He was sitting in the same alley Balthazar had pulled him into, crouched down against the wall his breathing heavy as his senses caught up with his mind.
Balthazar had... he was about to rape Chas.
Everything was complete chaos, he was sobbing, begging the demon to stop and then he had passed out.
Everything had gone dark and quiet and finally he had peace.
It was like going to sleep after a very long day, a relief.
When Chas came round he was alone in the dingy alley, the sun just beginning to set casting a warm orange glow around him, calming him.
He was in pain, his head was spinning but there was no sign that he had been raped.
What had happened? Why had he just snapped like that? He was ready to give up... he HAD given up.
Look's like God gave a damn after all.
Slowly the teen pulled himself to his feet, shaking violently he grabbed on to the wall.
This could have turned out very different. Things could have really got bad... but they hadn't and Chas had absolutely no idea why.
Walking into the street Chas felt like he was seeing everything for the first time, that he was a child looking out at the word, a blind man seeing after a lifetime of darkness.
The feeling was so surreal, so pure stealing his breath away at the simplistic beauty of everyday life. He had lived here his whole life, walked these streets for so long but today he was looking at everything with a new understanding.
All the pain he had felt when Balthazar had him trapped against that wall, all the doubt, the angst and the self loathing... all of it was gone, being replaced by the calm lightness he felt now.
He began to walk with a new purpose in life, only one thing occupying his mind.
John.
John had only ever tried to help him, tried to show Chas the feelings he had for the teen and that couldn't have been easy.
Chas had let his past take over his life. What had happened was done and dusted and now he finally felt like he had buried that particular hurt in a 6 foot grave.
His feet moved effortlessly, following an invisible line, leading him straight to the bowling alley.
The BOWL BOWL BOWL sign shinning brightly, the neon lights casting its strong colours on the sidewalk and on the boy standing beneath it.
That sign was a breath of fresh air. It was the familiarity he associated with the exorcist that resided above the bowling alley, it was that sign which made him smile, his first real smile in a long time.
For two years Chas Kramer had seen the negative side of life. His glass was always half empty, there was no silver lining in his clouds and there was no bright side to his life.
Things were bad.
His confidence was non-existent, he was lonely and in pain.
Chas had hated himself so much he had cut himself off from the world around him and in a way today was the first day he felt alive.
He was Chas Kramer again.
He was that care free, crazy kid and it felt phenomenal.
He looked down at the scars on his wrists a small frown crossing over his face. What had drove him to do this to himself? What had been so terrible in his life?
In LA alone so many people had lives so hard his didn't compare. So many people had been mugged, raped and so much more. What was it about him that had made him fall apart so desperately?
What had happened today, what had changed in him?
Pushing this to the back of his mind he entered the building, heading straight upstairs to John's apartment.
Would he be home? Did he want to see Chas?
Chas was physically trembling by the time he reached that oh so familiar heavy wooden door, the frame ridden with strange symbols and incantations.
He raised his hand knocking softly on the door.
John was at the table, drinking... again.
Since Chas had left that night all he could think about was how the teenager must have felt.
How HIS actions had effected Chas in such a negative way.
Of course at the back of his mind he had know, when Balthazar told him Chas had a secret... he had known deep down.
Why couldn't he have listened to that voice? If he hadn't been so stupid he could have avoided the whole mess.
What was he thinking?
For Christ sake he fell for an 18 year old kid! How could anything ever turn out okay?
Now what was he supposed to do? Chas was his apprentice and as much as he hated to admit it he had begun to rely on him.
There wasn't just the physical attraction, there were the jokes, the light banter between them...
When Chas was around the atmosphere changed for the better. John would stop smoking to talk to the boy, laugh... smile every once in a while.
Without him... everything was just so empty and cold.
There was a knock at the door disrupting John's thoughts. He took a final gulp of the amber liquid standing up to walk slowly towards the door.
"John." Chas said softly looking up as the older man pulled the door open reluctantly.
"Chas"
Chas smiled a little at the look of disbelief on his mentors face.
"You gonna gawp at me all day or can I come in." He asked cocking his head to one side.
John didn't say anything, instead he retreated back into the apartment in silence taking a seat at the table, motioning for Chas to join him.
"Look kid, about the other day..." John started looking at Chas guiltily.
"No." Chas said raising a hand to silence him.
"I don't want you to apologise and I don't want you to pity me. I just want you to listen John"
John stared finally nodding he poured himself another drink.
"I was raped two years ago and my whole life changed. I wasn't Chas Kramer anymore... I don't know who I was. Somewhere deep down I was still the same guy but he was buried too deep, he just couldn't get out. Sometimes when I was with you... I could be myself if only for a few hours. Then something happened, Balthazar"
"BALTHAZAR? What did he do?" John interrupted.
"John, It doesn't matter okay I just want you to LISTEN!" He said a little impatiently.
He wanted to get this out, all of it.
John scowled however he didn't interrupt again.
"I ran into Balthazar, he told me I had nothing to live for and I had no use... I believed him. I finally snapped John and in that instant I didn't give a fuck about my life or what happened to me because I was broken... I was so far inside myself I didn't exist, then something changed. I don't know what and I don't know how or why but something changed. I don't want to live the way I've been living. I don't want to have a nervous break down everytime a man comes near me, I don't want to hurt myself, or drink myself unconscious... I don't want to shy away when you touch me..." Chas said trailing off his eyes meeting John's.
"I love you." He finished his mouth suddenly very dry.
John didn't know what to say.
He didn't know how to react because he had never had someone spill so many of their intimate secrets to him.
John Constantine wasn't exactly the type of guy you 'talked' to.
"Chas..." He said standing up and walking around the table.
Chas rose to meet him so desperate to have some physical contact, ANY kind of contact after two years of nothingness.
John reached out, his arms going out around Chas' waist pulling the boy closer towards him. His lips meet the teen's in a bruising kiss, moaning when Chas' hand found his ass.
Chas moaned his free hand running softly across John's cheek as he pulled back tears in his eyes.
John stopped.
"Chas... We don't need to do this"
Chas shook his head laughing lightly.
"S'not that." He said wiping a salty tear with the back of his hand.
"I'm just so happy." He said with a smile kissing John's cheek affectionately.
Raising an eyebrow John chuckled lightly.
"Your crying because you're happy?" He asked incredulously.
"Damn straight." He said a huge grin spreading across his face as he took John's hand leading him to the bedroom.
He was Chas Kramer and NOTHING would ever change that.