Disclaimer: If I owned Fullmetal Alchemist it would suck. So, no, I don't own it.
A/N: I role-played this on my xanga site, and I thought it would make a spiffy fanfic. Oh and if you don't like shounen-ai/yaoi don't read the fic. It's based around the Envy/Edward pairing, and there's a lot out-of-characterness, particularly for Envy. So um, on with the ficcie!
Sentences in italics - Envy's thoughts
Operation: Rescue Chibi-san
A knock on my door diverts my attention away from the wall and to the door. I glare at it. Whoever's knocking has a death wish.
I ignore the second knock and go back to staring at the holey wall. Yes, it's holey. Very holey. You want to know why? 'Cause I throw knives at my wall. It relieves stress. But sadly, all my knives were taken away and hidden. So now I can only stare at it while I do nothing but think about my dirty little Chibi-san. If he thinks he can get away with what he did he's wrong…
"Envy?" someone asks. I look up. Lust's staring at me like I've lost it. Well… I guess that understandable. I am hanging upside down off my bed. It's not something I normally do. Wrath is the one who usually does it, but I'm bored. And pissed. So I'm hanging half off my bed with my head dangling upside down while staring at the wall. Something wrong with that? No? Thought so.
I glare at her. "What?"
"Um… you've been acting sort of… strange lately," she says, choosing her words carefully. "Normally, you're the first one to volunteer to do a mission that involves the Elric brothers. But lately… you've been…," she trails off.
"I've been what?" I reply as I sit upright on my bed.
"Well… You haven't left your room in quite awhile… Dante has some things she wants you to--"
"I don't care," I interrupt her as I lay back on my bed, already bored with the conversation.
"Did something happen between you and Edward?" she asks. That caught me slightly off-guard. Does she know…?
"What do you mean?" I ask nonchalantly.
She sighs. "Never mind."
"Is that all you wanted to say? If so, leave."
"At times, you're more sulky than Wrath. You should really make-up with Edward."
I bolt straight up. "What?" I ask her, but she already left the room. Nosey bitch… I lay back on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. Why would I want to 'make-up' with the stupid shrimp? There's nothing to make-up! He was just someone I was using for amusement. Nothing more. Then why am I so angry about what I caught him doing? Why do I want to wrap my hands around both their necks and squeeze and squeeze until they turn blue?
I roll onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. "I'll kill them both," I mumble into it while clenching my fist. "They'll pay… I'll make sure they both die painfully and slowly… I'll make Ed scream for forgiveness…"
-
Just what did Edward Elric do that infuriated me so much? You really want to know? I suppose I'll start at the beginning then…
I was bored out of my mind at our hide-out. Dante hadn't given us any orders to do anything so we, and by we I mean me, Lust, Wrath, Sloth, and Gluttony, were lazing about doing nothing. I was sitting in an armchair, throwing things at Wrath. I know what you're thinking: 'That's so immature! You shouldn't throw things at people!' Well I do. Deal with it.
The brat started crying after I threw a rather large knick-knack at his forehead, making a slight trickle of blood flow out. Whoops… The brat ran over to Sloth and clung to her as if she were his mother.
Lust was gazing out the window. Who knows what she saw out of it. There was nothing but fields outside. It's boring. She needs a hobby. Like chibi stalking. Oh wait… that's my hobby.
My attention drifted over towards Gluttony, who was eating a rat. Yes, a rat. He probably found it tasty, but I'll assure you, it certainly did not look appetizing. I cringed slightly at the crunching of the bones. Yeah sure, I'm rather cruel myself, but the sound just sent shivers down my spine. The rodent started squealing and blood started spewing from it's mouth-- okay, I'll stop right there. Ugh, I can be too descriptive at times. Back to the story!
"Yo, fat ass," I said to Gluttony. He looked at me with a 'Who me?' expression on his face. Yes you! Stupid dumb ass. Do you see anyone as fat as you around here? When I was sure I had his attention I said, "Eat Wrath."
Wrath squealed like a little bratty pig. Well, I guess I can't blame him. If I saw a body with rolls upon rolls of fat wobbling over towards me with a gaping mouth I'd probably squeal too for fear of being absorbed by the slimy fat rolls. But it'd be a more dignified squeal. Not like a bratty pig, that's for sure.
Heh heh, it was really funny. I wish I had taken a picture. The brat was screaming and crying as he jumped from one couch to the other. Lust even stopped staring out the window to view the strange spectacle of a midget boy being chased by fat rolls. Sloth was trying to persuade Gluttony not to eat the brat, but Gluttony really had his eyes set out on the boy. Now what was I doing during all this? Cracking up of course! It was funny!
It's gets even funnier though! Gluttony had managed to get a hold of Wrath. The boy was sobbing hysterically. He couldn't use any alchemy since Glutt' was holding him tight. So what else could the brat do? Cry! Hehehe… Gluttony swallowed him whole. How? I really don't know, but he did. Wrath was crying the whole way down too. Now here's the part I wasn't expecting, well actually I really didn't expect Gluttony to catch Wrath either but whatever. Wrath performed alchemy inside of Gluttony, turning his arm into a pointy blade. So he sliced and diced through the many fat rolls and managed to escape the horrors of Gluttony's stomach! It was hilarious. The look on Gluttony's face was priceless!
Sloth and Lust were both glaring at me as they tried to calm the hysteric Wrath. Hey, what did I do wrong? I was bored, so I did something to entertain myself. If they didn't take away my knives that might not have happened. So it was their fault! Not mine! Hmph…
Sensing that the others were angry at me, I left the place. What's the point in staying in a place with angry killer homunculi? There is none. Now one question remained: Should I go find Chibi-san? I was a little uneasy with that thought. The last time I checked he locked himself up in Central with his books. It was weeks since I last saw him too! You'd think he wouldn't mind if I stopped by for a while but he does!
Okay, listen up. Before I continue my story I want you to know how my chibi treats me. You'd think I'd be the mean guy in the relationship, right? Well I'm not! It is so him!
Being a bit bored, I visited my chibi in Central. We had an interesting night, and the shrimp didn't want me to leave. So I ended up staying the night. Man, was that military person surprised when he barged into Chibi-san's room and saw me lying in the shrimp's bed... You should have seen the look on his face! His jaw dropped wide open, and he all but ran out of that room muttering apologies about barging in without knocking. Hmph, I was pretty pissed. I reeeally don't like be woken up at ten o'clock in the morning. Stupid military people. I wanted to resume sleeping, but Chibi-san refused to let me. I guess I can understand why though. If that Mustang saw me, a known killer, in bed with the shrimp he'd flip. So Chibi-san pretty much pushed me out the window as soon as that one officer ran out of the room. I felt so loved.
Now that you understand what a cruel pet Ed can be, I'll resume my story. Hmph, pushing me out the window… I was peeved about that for quite some time… Sorry, I'll continue now.
I was strolling down the path headed towards Central. It was a few hours walk, so it left me with plenty of time to ponder on what to do. I remembered Chibi-san saying specifically not to visit him for a while. He doesn't want something like what happened before to happen again. Hmm… Speaking of that, I wonder what happened to that guy who caught me in the shrimp's bed? Oh well, it's not important.
One of the reasons why Chibi-san told me not to visit him was because Armstrong was keeping an eye on him lately instead of the usual lackeys. That gave me a good enough reason to stay the hell away from Ed. Why? Because that guy creeps me out. He's too… sparklie…
Then it hit me. I stopped dead in my tracks and stared into nothingness. My chibi was taken hostage by The Sparklie Man! I had to save my chibi! My eyes lit up at the thought. If I could do that… Then Chibi-san would be so grateful. So grateful that he'd… I continued to drift off into Happy Land when someone tapped me on the shoulder. Huh? I turned around to see a worried-looking man staring at me.
"You okay, ma'am?" he asked me. "You looked a little out of it."
How dare he interrupt me while I was in my Happy Land! "Yes, I'm fine. Now go away." I continued on my march to Central, but the man followed me. The nerve of that human…
"You going to Central, miss? A pretty lady like yourself shouldn't be walking there on your own. I'll accompany you to make sure--" My fist collided with his cheek bone, causing him to go flying. I hit pretty damn hard and there was no doubt that that man noticed.
I walked over to him and kneeled down, getting right up in his face. "Do I look like a fucking woman to you?" I snarled, angry about being mistaken for a woman.
"Y-You mean you're n-not?" he replied.
"Of course I'm not!" I said, as I smacked him upside his head. I stood up and kicked him. Then I continued my march.
"B-But you wear… a skirt…," he said. The guy's pretty persistent, isn't he? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that I'm a man? Geez… I turned around to face him, giving him a rather fierce death glare.
"You think I'm wearing a skirt? Are you blind or something?" I asked him, while walking back towards him. Needless to say, the man was trying to crawl away.
"Y-You mean you're n-not?" he stuttered.
I lifted the flap of my shorts and yelled at him, "Does this look like a goddamn skirt?" …In case you're wondering, no, I did not flash the man. I do in fact wear shorts. That probably surprises many of you, doesn't it? Or you could call it a skort. Whatever. Just not a skirt. 'Cause it's not.
After beating the man to a bloody pulp, I continued my march to Central for the third time. I was intent on saving my chibi from the evil clutches of The Sparklie Man.
-
I finally arrived at Central in the early evening. The sun was just beginning to set, leaving the sky a purplish orange color; the perfect time to begin Operation: Rescue Chibi-san. Before I headed towards the library I had to prepare a few things. Like what to wear? Hmm… It was a tough decision, but I settled on the ugly uniform that all the military dogs wear. And believe me, I made that uniform look good. Now for the next preparation. What should I do with my hair and face? Hmm… Another tough decision. I decided on changing them so that I looked completely different from my usual form. Shoulder-length black hair, dark blue eyes, and a lovely nose and mouth. I looked pretty damn good. Although, it's not exactly completely different from how I usually look. A pity I couldn't go in there in my usual cute form though, but oh well. As long as I rescued my chibi I'd be happy.
Now for the next question. How do I get into the library? I scoured the perimeters of the building and found that all the windows were locked. Damn. So that left me with one other option. I'd have to make my own entrance.
With my super stealthy skills I managed to infiltrate the building by punching the brick wall in the back, causing it to crumble. Sneaking in through it, I glanced around. No one's seen me. Good. I got a good look around the place and realized how big it was. It didn't look so big from the outside though… Chibi-san was nowhere to be seen. I was but one homunculus, it could take days to scour the place! But this didn't set me back. I wanted my chibi, and I would have my chibi. So I began my search!
My search proved fruitless. Chibi-san could not possibly be in the library for I had scoured it quite thoroughly. I looked through every aisle of books, behind every door, underneath every table, and I even checked inside all the drawers! So where could my Chibi-san be? Did... he get him? I thought. There's no way! I really hoped that The Sparklie Man didn't capture my chibi, because if that was the case then I'd have to face The Sparklie Man and his sparkles.
At this point I was close to giving up. But when I passed a door on my way back to my super sneaky entrance; I heard a slight shuffling of footsteps from that door… It also sounded like a scuffle was taking place behind it.
The Sparklie Man had caught my Ed! He was in that very room doing unspeakable things to my chibi! I was repulsed. My poor, poor Chibi! I barged into the room with my super stealthy skills and gasped at what I saw before me. It wasn't The Sparklie Man in that room with my Ed… It was… Colonel Mustang!
I felt like murdering both my chibi and the Colonel right then and there. I still do! How could my chibi do this! I'll kill him! I was struggling for words. What would you say after seeing something like that! Mustang was all over my chibi on top of a desk full of books! I felt like stabbing the bastard. How dare he do those things to my Ed! He's mine! All mine! He does not belong to Colonel trash! He belongs to me! And the bastard's lips were locked to my Chibi-san's lips! Those lips belong to ME! Those sweet, delicious lips are mine! I was furious.
The two broke away when they noticed me in the doorway. Mustang glanced over at me rather nonchalantly and asked what I was doing here. I was shaking with rage. He had the nerve to fix himself up and act like nothing happened! I looked over at Ed to see an odd expression on his face that I can't quite name. Was it pleasure? Joy? Guilt? I was hoping that it was guilt. It better be guilt. His cheeks were tinged pink in embarrassment, and his lips were bruised from Mustang's kisses. That infuriates me. No one can bruise Chibi-san's lips but me!
I mumbled some things under my breath and left the room, slamming the door behind me. What should I do? I asked myself while leaning against the door. Should I kill them both right here and right now? Or should I plot a horribly slow and painful death for the two? Yes… Plotting sounds good… Plotting sounds very good.
So I left. That's all there is to tell. At this very moment I'm wondering what I should do. I haven't talked to Ed in a few weeks. I wonder if he knows that it was I who caught him and Mustang together. I doubt it. He's probably praising the lords that I haven't visited him in so long. Oh he will pay so badly… I don't care what excuses he makes! He will die. And he will beg for forgiveness. But until that happens I have to decide on a suiting death. It has to be slow, it has to be painful, and it has to be gruesome. The same goes for Mustang, but his will be worse. Much worse. The chibi-theiving bastard.
I'm still locked up in my room, and yet I can't figure out the right death for them. Maybe the bag of Pixie Stix that I have stashed away will help? Yes… that will most definitely help…
-
A/N: That was fun to write.Sorry for the shortness, but I thought that was a suiting place to leave off. I'm not sure if I should continue this or not… Please review though, and tell me if I should!