A/N This is an emotional angsty chapter so be forewarned. It came to 12
pages so I ended up cutting it in half and separating it into two chapters
so here is chapter 34, chapter 35 will be along shortly after. Please
review.
Chapter Thirty Four
"Where are we going?" Kat asked curiously as Jack helped her slip on her jacket. Her shoulder was still giving her problems, which made dressing rather difficult.
"You'll see," he held open the door and reluctantly she followed.
"Eric," Kat grabbed his arm as he passed in front of her. "I've been trying to talk to you all day. I just wanted to tha-"
"Sorry Kat," he pulled his arm away. "I'm really busy right now, I have to do these reports to do and like a dozen calls to make, I'll-I'll talk to you later okay?"
"But.Eric." her voice trailed off as he walked away from her.
"Kat, let's go," Jack steered her towards the elevator.
Eric glanced over at the elevator locking eyes with her just before the doors closed.
~ ~ ~
They drove in silence. At first Kat was awake as out of the corner of his eye Jack watched her wipe the tears from her eyes slightly angered at Agent Weiss' rather rude brush off. He knew she was confused about the whole thing and he had to admit that so was he. He found the younger agent to be rather immature at times but he did his job well and was not the type of person to quickly dismiss someone. The next time he looked over at her she was asleep. Her forehead rested against the glass window, her head tilted at an ungodly angle. She was exhausted; she hadn't slept well or long the night before. He could hear her hiccuped cries long into the early hours but didn't go to her. She wouldn't have wanted that. Everything had happened so fast, her rescue, the discovery of The Contessa, all the events of the past three days were pooled together and sometimes he had to stop what he was doing just to realize that it was all real.
His daughter was alive, although, she wasn't happy about being his daughter but at least she was alive. She'd saved her mothers life; the very thought of it perplexed him. Granted she'd had no idea who was under the mask at the time but still. Kat hadn't said a word about Irina's involvement and Jack knew he wouldn't have to tell her not to but in the same token he wanted her to say something to him. He'd felt Kat pull the gun from his gunbelt. She'd tried to cover his ears with her arms as she aimed and pulled the trigger, firing off three quick rounds. Everything seemed as if it were happening in slow motion. He turned looking at Kat her eyes were wild, fearful, full of adrenaline and then he saw Irina. She lay unmoving on the ground and the first thought that had come to his mind was that Kat had killed her mother. Then she lifted her head, her eyes locking with Jacks first. As she stood he could see Viktor Melnikov under her, a bloodied knife lying just inches from his outstretched hand; blood pooled from the holes in his chest. Irina turned to her daughter. Kat's hand shook as she still held the gun pointed at her mother, her face blank in shock. Slowly she'd lowered the gun and Irina pulled down her ski mask, but it was too late. Kat had already seen her.
Kat hadn't told Irina of her knowledge about The Contessa. She'd flat out denied any knowledge of it all together. The image of the first time he'd seen Irina when she'd turned herself into the CIA was burned in his memory. He had no doubt that his daughter's image of seeing her mother for the first time in twelve years would be burned into her memory for all eternity, along with the image of Irina leaving her daughter bleeding to death in the convenience store. When Kat had come to in the van he wasn't sure that she had recognized her mother, that thought hadn't lasted long. He watched the two women staring at each other. Alike in almost every way, the same eyes, same nose, same hair, but so different. He'd seen the hatred in her eyes. He knew Irina had seen it as well. Fury, anger, confusion but most of all hatred. Hatred for the woman who had given her life, hatred for the woman who had abandoned her, hatred for the mother she never really knew.
He'd actually believed Kat when she'd told Irina, that she didn't know what The Contessa was. He knew Irina had believed her as well. Their daughter was a damn good liar; the question was did Irina still believe the lie.
Slowly he pulled the car off to the side of the road. Kat woke as he turned off the engine.
"Where are we?" she asked sleepily rubbing her eyes.
"Come with me," Jack got out of the car and then went to her side to help her out. They were stopped in front of a flower shop and Kat was surprised as Jack walked up to the clerk and purchased two small bouquets of white roses. He handed one to her and took her hand as they crossed the street and stopped just outside two black iron gates. Kat didn't need to read the sign to know where they were. She followed behind him as they weaved in an out of headstones and memorial markers until they reached a newly dug grave. Tears filled her eyes as she read the words on the headstone.
Kathryn Anne Sullivan July 19, 1986 - April 9, 2003
"Rest Now Where Angels Soar"
Jack cleared his throat before speaking. "Kat, Katy, Katarina. You can be anyone that you want now, but you can't be Kathryn Sullivan anymore. You understand?"
Kat bit her lip nodding. Seeing the marker with her name on it; everything seemed so much more real now. Even though she wasn't the one buried in the ground, this girl with her face was. Her life had changed so much in the past four months and she knew in her heart that things would never be the same again. But it was this moment that she realized that everything she thought was real, everything she'd known and believed her entire life was instantly questioned and she wondered if she'd ever learn the truth.
"Kathryn was good to you for a long time," Jack continued. "But she was never real, you tried to make her real but you and I both know that it can't continue. Kathryn was just an alias your mother created."
She understood what he was saying and she bit her lip trying to keep the tears from falling down her cheeks.
"As far as the world knows, Kathryn Sullivan died on April 9. She was seventeen years old and this is where she was buried." He looked over at Kat briefly and then swallowed hard. He placed one of the bouquets of flowers next to the headstone. He awkwardly placed a hand on her good shoulder rubbing it slightly.
"Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Kat nodded and knelt down in front of the grave. She rearranged the various bouquets of white roses remaining silent.
"I know this is all very confusing for you, but please trust me when I say that you're not the only one who is confused." Jack watched her as she rearranged the roses. There were dozens and dozens of white roses there. Some wilting having sat for several days, others fresh having been left the morning before by Carrie Bowman. "I know how it feels to be betrayed," he offered. "Your mother deceived me just as she deceived you." He watched her fiddle with the flowers, an obvious attempt to keep herself busy. "You don't have to accept me Katarina, but you do have to accept the situation."
Kat nodded and curiously pulled a bouquet of blue roses out of the pile. "Do you know who brought these?" she asked standing.
"No," Jack shrugged and shook his head. "There were only white roses at the funeral."
"Blue roses are my favorite," she said softly. "Only my mother knew that."
Jack watched the flowers fall from her hand as she realized the possibility that they were brought by her mother. He didn't doubt that possibility to be correct.
"Who was she?" Kat asked softly, referring to the girl that was buried there.
"We don't know," Jack shook his head. He reached out and touched her shoulder once more. "We need to go now, it's not safe for you here."
Kat nodded. "She died for me, she died because of me."
"This wasn't your fault, you had no control over the situation. This girl, whoever she was, was as good as dead the moment she came into contact with Petrov Khasinau."
"I know," she nodded. "But she died so I could live, that doesn't make it any easier." Jack began to walk away and she knew it was time to go. She picked up one of the white roses from the bouquet Jack had bought and laid it on top of the headstone. Kissing the tips of her fingers she briefly touched the smooth rock and whispered the only words she could think of, but not ones that could do the girl justice. "Thank You."
~ ~ ~
Jack began driving back to the JTF but suddenly changed his mind and took an earlier exit. Kat was asleep once more and from her lips came whispers of Cleo. He tried to remember who Cleo was he knew she'd mentioned the name before. Cleo was her cat, he recalled. Although he'd told her they didn't know what had happened to her cat, but it was probably being taken care of by a kind neighbor. In reality The Covenant had killed it when they abducted her four months before.
Kat awoke as the car pulled to a stop once more and she opened the door stepping out. She looked around confused and then looked to Jack following him through the empty fairgrounds to an old carousel. Her fingers trailed along the old ironwrot fence as she moved to stand beside Jack waiting for an explanation.
"Your mother and I, we used to bring Sydney here when she was a little girl, it was her favorite place." He looked over at her seeing the expression on her face at the mention of her mother. "I would have brought you here too, had I known."
She nodded understanding his words.
"You're quiet today," he observed figuring that he was partly responsible as she was alone with him, but there was something else. She didn't have the usual fire behind her eyes, the drive that kept her on her guard. She was empty
She shrugged and pushed open the fence walking up to the old carousel. She stepped up on the platform and circled the ride finding a bench she sat down and waited for Jack to join her. "Why are we here?" she asked. "What's the purpose of this little excursion?"
"We need to discuss something," he sat down beside her. "Your mother came to see Sydney the day before you were taken. Their discussion was the reason why Irina decided to reveal the truth about you, and I. She felt it was important that we both knew the truth."
"Well perhaps she should have kept it to herself-" Kat muttered.
"Her reasons aside, she told the truth." Awkwardly he reached for her hand but she pulled it away staring in the opposite direction.
"Do we really have to talk about this," she asked her voice showing a hint of anger and Jack could almost see the invisible protective shield she'd built around herself go up.
"Yes we do," he stated firmly. "I want you to listen to me. You are my daughter and I am your father. There were signs, similarities, I should have seen them, but I had no reason to doubt that Alexander Khasinau was your father, so I didn't see them."
"What do you want from me?" she cried finally looking at him. "I know this wasn't your fault alright, I don't blame you, so what do you want from me? A stupid piece of paper doesn't make you a father. It's just paper it doesn't mean a damned thing." Jack remained silent allowing her to continue. "I don't have anything left in me to give."
"I know," he said calmly. "I'm only asking for a chance. A chance to earn your trust again, not as Sydney's father, but as your own." She looked to him confused not expecting what he'd said. "You were right, I was never a good father to Sydney. After Laura died, I spent six months in solitaire. My superiors couldn't believe that for ten years, six of those having been spent married, that I didn't know I was married to a Russian spy." Jack stared straight ahead his fists clenched at his sides. "I felt exactly the way you did when you found out about your mother. When I got out, every time I looked at Sydney I saw her mother the woman who'd betrayed me, who'd deceived me. I couldn't raise her, so I hired a nanny. I wasn't around much but when I was it was easier, but I still missed her. When I met you, well you're more like your mother than you know. As Sydney got older, she resented me and my absence in her life more and more and it was too late, I didn't know how to change things."
"It's never too late," Kat interrupted. "Not when you're alive."
"Sometimes it is too late. I was too late to stop Sydney from being recruited into SD-6; I was too late to stop Danny Hecht from being killed. I was almost too late to stop her from being killed herself-"
"But you weren't. You told her the truth, about SD-6 about the CIA."
"I had hoped to recruit her into the CIA myself after college. A desk job, maybe at the Long Island office, somewhere away from SD-6 away from Arvin Sloane."
"Sydney was never cut out for a desk job," she smiled slightly.
"I know," he nodded. "But I could have hoped." He smiled faintly. "But once again, I was too late. Since I told her the truth about SD-6 and her mother, since we took down the Alliance, things are different. We're closer than we've been in a long time."
"Jack, what I said on the plane to Spain, I really didn't mean it, I was just, just angry. I had no right to say what I did and it wasn't true. I was just angry that you didn't have any faith in me. That you thought I couldn't do it."
"You're wrong," he said. "I knew you could do it, that's why I didn't want you to go."
"What?"
"I promised Sydney that I would look after you. I didn't want you to go on that mission, because I knew you'd be good. I didn't want you to enjoy it and want to do it again. I promised Sydney, I promised your mother that I would keep you out of this life-"
"Like she gives a damn," Kat sighed. "What was she doing with you in Russia anyway. Why was she there?"
"You were never supposed to see her," Jack explained. "She was helping to secure your release."
"But of course all she really wanted was to know what The Contessa is."
"No, Katarina," Jack shook his head. "Your mother provided the Intel as to your whereabouts. If not for her, we probably never would have gotten you back-"
"I don't believe you," Kat stated. "Irina Derevko doesn't give a damn about me, because if she did, she wouldn't have left me the way she did. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She might have the rest of you fooled, but not me. I can see right through her. "
"She explained to me why she did it," Jack said hesitantly not sure how much of the story he wanted to tell. He decided to just tell her the truth, to just tell her everything.
Kat sat in silence as Jack explained to her what had happened. About Project Christmas, how Alexander Khasinau had trained her unbeknownst to Irina as she was continuously sent out on missions and how Irina's informant regarding her daughter had been compromised and was feeding her false information. "If your mother hadn't done what she did, you would probably be working for K-Directorate or The Covenant or who knows by now. In the debriefing you mentioned there was another man there. He wasn't involved with Melnikov or Khasinau?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "He was there but just for a few minutes, he caught me when I tried to escape, he called me Sydney. Kind of a jerk but he wasn't out to hurt me, he didn't know who I was at all."
"What did he look like?"
"Tall, blond, British, cocky as all hell-"
"Mr. Sark?"
"Yeah," she nodded slowly recalling the name. "That was what Viktor called him, what does he have to do with Irina?"
"At one time he worked for your mother, he may still. It's likely that he was her source. Your mother saved your life, and you saved hers."
"Am I supposed to thank her?" Kat asked bitterly. "I should have just aimed that gun a little higher and ended everything."
"Don't say that," Jack shook his head. "Whatever you think of her Katarina, she is your mother, and I know you could never do that."
"Don't underestimate me Jack. She ruined my life," Kat wanted to scream. "She should have just ended it before I was born. Would have saved us all a lot of pain."
"Don't you say that, don't you ever say that," Jack said angrily. "Despite what you think of me, do you really think your sister would have wanted that, do you really think I would have wanted that?" Her face was blank revealing her answer. "Despite your feelings of hatred towards me, don't think that that is what I would want."
"I don't hate you," her voice trembled. "I never meant for you to think that. Yes at times I didn't like you, but I never hated you." Kat stood turning to face him. "You have to understand, I've been on my own most of my life. I've been taking care of myself since I was five-years-old and then all of the sudden, everything's wrong, mixed up and there's this.this. man," her eyes filled with tears and her voice trembled as she spoke. "And he's telling me what to do, like he's my father, but he's not. He's her father, and I was jealous of that. She seemed to have everything that I had missed out on, a real family. As screwed up as it was, it was everything that I had wanted that I had prayed for my whole life. She was giving it to me, She was my family but it wasn't enough. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but there you were telling me what to do, how to act, how to feel and I got so confused and then you started to remind of him and I got scared and it was just easier to keep you away."
"I reminded you of who?" Jack asked reaching for her hand but she pulled it back wiping the tears from her eyes. She didn't want to answer him, he could see that but he had to know. "Who did I remind you of?"
"It, it was. It was Mr. Caldwell," she blurted out immediately regretting the words as she saw the shocked expression on his face.
"If I've done something.I-" Jack didn't know what to say as he struggled for words unsure of how or why he had reminded her of her former foster father.
"Not in that way," she shook her head ashamed that she'd even said it. "You reminded me of him, but before he started doing things to me." She watched Jack seeing his jaw clench up and his hands tighten to fists at his sides. "He liked me to call him Dad, and he always called me Kathryn, not Kat or Katy always Kathryn, you always called me Kathryn."
Jack watched the tears well up in her eyes again. Her hands shook, her voice trembled; she could barely breath.
"He was tall, like you; he had dark hair it was going gray. Dark eyes, his voice was low, and he was nervous around me. He watched me a lot, what I did, what I said. I liked his wife and she really liked me, I missed my mom so much and she was nice, and I think he resented that." She was beginning to loose control. "His hands," she reached out and opened Jack's palm placing her hand against his. "They were so big, like yours and I remember how he touched me-and-I" She pulled away abruptly about to completely break down.
Her back to him Jack watched her struggle to regain control and then looked to his hands, Kat's look of excruciating pain playing through his mind as she'd held them.
"Look, I know you're not him, but I can't help what I feel," she turned around to face him once more. "Are we done here? Have we put each other through enough pain for one day? Can we just go?" She didn't wait for his answer and walked as quickly as she could manage with the cane back to his car.
"Kat," Jack grabbed her hand as she neared the iron gate. "I need to know why you lied to me last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Last night," Jack didn't let go of her hand and he forced her to look him in the eye. "I asked you if they raped you, you looked me right in the eye and you lied to me?"
-----
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Thanks for reading Erin
Chapter Thirty Four
"Where are we going?" Kat asked curiously as Jack helped her slip on her jacket. Her shoulder was still giving her problems, which made dressing rather difficult.
"You'll see," he held open the door and reluctantly she followed.
"Eric," Kat grabbed his arm as he passed in front of her. "I've been trying to talk to you all day. I just wanted to tha-"
"Sorry Kat," he pulled his arm away. "I'm really busy right now, I have to do these reports to do and like a dozen calls to make, I'll-I'll talk to you later okay?"
"But.Eric." her voice trailed off as he walked away from her.
"Kat, let's go," Jack steered her towards the elevator.
Eric glanced over at the elevator locking eyes with her just before the doors closed.
~ ~ ~
They drove in silence. At first Kat was awake as out of the corner of his eye Jack watched her wipe the tears from her eyes slightly angered at Agent Weiss' rather rude brush off. He knew she was confused about the whole thing and he had to admit that so was he. He found the younger agent to be rather immature at times but he did his job well and was not the type of person to quickly dismiss someone. The next time he looked over at her she was asleep. Her forehead rested against the glass window, her head tilted at an ungodly angle. She was exhausted; she hadn't slept well or long the night before. He could hear her hiccuped cries long into the early hours but didn't go to her. She wouldn't have wanted that. Everything had happened so fast, her rescue, the discovery of The Contessa, all the events of the past three days were pooled together and sometimes he had to stop what he was doing just to realize that it was all real.
His daughter was alive, although, she wasn't happy about being his daughter but at least she was alive. She'd saved her mothers life; the very thought of it perplexed him. Granted she'd had no idea who was under the mask at the time but still. Kat hadn't said a word about Irina's involvement and Jack knew he wouldn't have to tell her not to but in the same token he wanted her to say something to him. He'd felt Kat pull the gun from his gunbelt. She'd tried to cover his ears with her arms as she aimed and pulled the trigger, firing off three quick rounds. Everything seemed as if it were happening in slow motion. He turned looking at Kat her eyes were wild, fearful, full of adrenaline and then he saw Irina. She lay unmoving on the ground and the first thought that had come to his mind was that Kat had killed her mother. Then she lifted her head, her eyes locking with Jacks first. As she stood he could see Viktor Melnikov under her, a bloodied knife lying just inches from his outstretched hand; blood pooled from the holes in his chest. Irina turned to her daughter. Kat's hand shook as she still held the gun pointed at her mother, her face blank in shock. Slowly she'd lowered the gun and Irina pulled down her ski mask, but it was too late. Kat had already seen her.
Kat hadn't told Irina of her knowledge about The Contessa. She'd flat out denied any knowledge of it all together. The image of the first time he'd seen Irina when she'd turned herself into the CIA was burned in his memory. He had no doubt that his daughter's image of seeing her mother for the first time in twelve years would be burned into her memory for all eternity, along with the image of Irina leaving her daughter bleeding to death in the convenience store. When Kat had come to in the van he wasn't sure that she had recognized her mother, that thought hadn't lasted long. He watched the two women staring at each other. Alike in almost every way, the same eyes, same nose, same hair, but so different. He'd seen the hatred in her eyes. He knew Irina had seen it as well. Fury, anger, confusion but most of all hatred. Hatred for the woman who had given her life, hatred for the woman who had abandoned her, hatred for the mother she never really knew.
He'd actually believed Kat when she'd told Irina, that she didn't know what The Contessa was. He knew Irina had believed her as well. Their daughter was a damn good liar; the question was did Irina still believe the lie.
Slowly he pulled the car off to the side of the road. Kat woke as he turned off the engine.
"Where are we?" she asked sleepily rubbing her eyes.
"Come with me," Jack got out of the car and then went to her side to help her out. They were stopped in front of a flower shop and Kat was surprised as Jack walked up to the clerk and purchased two small bouquets of white roses. He handed one to her and took her hand as they crossed the street and stopped just outside two black iron gates. Kat didn't need to read the sign to know where they were. She followed behind him as they weaved in an out of headstones and memorial markers until they reached a newly dug grave. Tears filled her eyes as she read the words on the headstone.
Kathryn Anne Sullivan July 19, 1986 - April 9, 2003
"Rest Now Where Angels Soar"
Jack cleared his throat before speaking. "Kat, Katy, Katarina. You can be anyone that you want now, but you can't be Kathryn Sullivan anymore. You understand?"
Kat bit her lip nodding. Seeing the marker with her name on it; everything seemed so much more real now. Even though she wasn't the one buried in the ground, this girl with her face was. Her life had changed so much in the past four months and she knew in her heart that things would never be the same again. But it was this moment that she realized that everything she thought was real, everything she'd known and believed her entire life was instantly questioned and she wondered if she'd ever learn the truth.
"Kathryn was good to you for a long time," Jack continued. "But she was never real, you tried to make her real but you and I both know that it can't continue. Kathryn was just an alias your mother created."
She understood what he was saying and she bit her lip trying to keep the tears from falling down her cheeks.
"As far as the world knows, Kathryn Sullivan died on April 9. She was seventeen years old and this is where she was buried." He looked over at Kat briefly and then swallowed hard. He placed one of the bouquets of flowers next to the headstone. He awkwardly placed a hand on her good shoulder rubbing it slightly.
"Do you understand what I'm telling you?"
Kat nodded and knelt down in front of the grave. She rearranged the various bouquets of white roses remaining silent.
"I know this is all very confusing for you, but please trust me when I say that you're not the only one who is confused." Jack watched her as she rearranged the roses. There were dozens and dozens of white roses there. Some wilting having sat for several days, others fresh having been left the morning before by Carrie Bowman. "I know how it feels to be betrayed," he offered. "Your mother deceived me just as she deceived you." He watched her fiddle with the flowers, an obvious attempt to keep herself busy. "You don't have to accept me Katarina, but you do have to accept the situation."
Kat nodded and curiously pulled a bouquet of blue roses out of the pile. "Do you know who brought these?" she asked standing.
"No," Jack shrugged and shook his head. "There were only white roses at the funeral."
"Blue roses are my favorite," she said softly. "Only my mother knew that."
Jack watched the flowers fall from her hand as she realized the possibility that they were brought by her mother. He didn't doubt that possibility to be correct.
"Who was she?" Kat asked softly, referring to the girl that was buried there.
"We don't know," Jack shook his head. He reached out and touched her shoulder once more. "We need to go now, it's not safe for you here."
Kat nodded. "She died for me, she died because of me."
"This wasn't your fault, you had no control over the situation. This girl, whoever she was, was as good as dead the moment she came into contact with Petrov Khasinau."
"I know," she nodded. "But she died so I could live, that doesn't make it any easier." Jack began to walk away and she knew it was time to go. She picked up one of the white roses from the bouquet Jack had bought and laid it on top of the headstone. Kissing the tips of her fingers she briefly touched the smooth rock and whispered the only words she could think of, but not ones that could do the girl justice. "Thank You."
~ ~ ~
Jack began driving back to the JTF but suddenly changed his mind and took an earlier exit. Kat was asleep once more and from her lips came whispers of Cleo. He tried to remember who Cleo was he knew she'd mentioned the name before. Cleo was her cat, he recalled. Although he'd told her they didn't know what had happened to her cat, but it was probably being taken care of by a kind neighbor. In reality The Covenant had killed it when they abducted her four months before.
Kat awoke as the car pulled to a stop once more and she opened the door stepping out. She looked around confused and then looked to Jack following him through the empty fairgrounds to an old carousel. Her fingers trailed along the old ironwrot fence as she moved to stand beside Jack waiting for an explanation.
"Your mother and I, we used to bring Sydney here when she was a little girl, it was her favorite place." He looked over at her seeing the expression on her face at the mention of her mother. "I would have brought you here too, had I known."
She nodded understanding his words.
"You're quiet today," he observed figuring that he was partly responsible as she was alone with him, but there was something else. She didn't have the usual fire behind her eyes, the drive that kept her on her guard. She was empty
She shrugged and pushed open the fence walking up to the old carousel. She stepped up on the platform and circled the ride finding a bench she sat down and waited for Jack to join her. "Why are we here?" she asked. "What's the purpose of this little excursion?"
"We need to discuss something," he sat down beside her. "Your mother came to see Sydney the day before you were taken. Their discussion was the reason why Irina decided to reveal the truth about you, and I. She felt it was important that we both knew the truth."
"Well perhaps she should have kept it to herself-" Kat muttered.
"Her reasons aside, she told the truth." Awkwardly he reached for her hand but she pulled it away staring in the opposite direction.
"Do we really have to talk about this," she asked her voice showing a hint of anger and Jack could almost see the invisible protective shield she'd built around herself go up.
"Yes we do," he stated firmly. "I want you to listen to me. You are my daughter and I am your father. There were signs, similarities, I should have seen them, but I had no reason to doubt that Alexander Khasinau was your father, so I didn't see them."
"What do you want from me?" she cried finally looking at him. "I know this wasn't your fault alright, I don't blame you, so what do you want from me? A stupid piece of paper doesn't make you a father. It's just paper it doesn't mean a damned thing." Jack remained silent allowing her to continue. "I don't have anything left in me to give."
"I know," he said calmly. "I'm only asking for a chance. A chance to earn your trust again, not as Sydney's father, but as your own." She looked to him confused not expecting what he'd said. "You were right, I was never a good father to Sydney. After Laura died, I spent six months in solitaire. My superiors couldn't believe that for ten years, six of those having been spent married, that I didn't know I was married to a Russian spy." Jack stared straight ahead his fists clenched at his sides. "I felt exactly the way you did when you found out about your mother. When I got out, every time I looked at Sydney I saw her mother the woman who'd betrayed me, who'd deceived me. I couldn't raise her, so I hired a nanny. I wasn't around much but when I was it was easier, but I still missed her. When I met you, well you're more like your mother than you know. As Sydney got older, she resented me and my absence in her life more and more and it was too late, I didn't know how to change things."
"It's never too late," Kat interrupted. "Not when you're alive."
"Sometimes it is too late. I was too late to stop Sydney from being recruited into SD-6; I was too late to stop Danny Hecht from being killed. I was almost too late to stop her from being killed herself-"
"But you weren't. You told her the truth, about SD-6 about the CIA."
"I had hoped to recruit her into the CIA myself after college. A desk job, maybe at the Long Island office, somewhere away from SD-6 away from Arvin Sloane."
"Sydney was never cut out for a desk job," she smiled slightly.
"I know," he nodded. "But I could have hoped." He smiled faintly. "But once again, I was too late. Since I told her the truth about SD-6 and her mother, since we took down the Alliance, things are different. We're closer than we've been in a long time."
"Jack, what I said on the plane to Spain, I really didn't mean it, I was just, just angry. I had no right to say what I did and it wasn't true. I was just angry that you didn't have any faith in me. That you thought I couldn't do it."
"You're wrong," he said. "I knew you could do it, that's why I didn't want you to go."
"What?"
"I promised Sydney that I would look after you. I didn't want you to go on that mission, because I knew you'd be good. I didn't want you to enjoy it and want to do it again. I promised Sydney, I promised your mother that I would keep you out of this life-"
"Like she gives a damn," Kat sighed. "What was she doing with you in Russia anyway. Why was she there?"
"You were never supposed to see her," Jack explained. "She was helping to secure your release."
"But of course all she really wanted was to know what The Contessa is."
"No, Katarina," Jack shook his head. "Your mother provided the Intel as to your whereabouts. If not for her, we probably never would have gotten you back-"
"I don't believe you," Kat stated. "Irina Derevko doesn't give a damn about me, because if she did, she wouldn't have left me the way she did. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. She might have the rest of you fooled, but not me. I can see right through her. "
"She explained to me why she did it," Jack said hesitantly not sure how much of the story he wanted to tell. He decided to just tell her the truth, to just tell her everything.
Kat sat in silence as Jack explained to her what had happened. About Project Christmas, how Alexander Khasinau had trained her unbeknownst to Irina as she was continuously sent out on missions and how Irina's informant regarding her daughter had been compromised and was feeding her false information. "If your mother hadn't done what she did, you would probably be working for K-Directorate or The Covenant or who knows by now. In the debriefing you mentioned there was another man there. He wasn't involved with Melnikov or Khasinau?"
"Yeah," she nodded. "He was there but just for a few minutes, he caught me when I tried to escape, he called me Sydney. Kind of a jerk but he wasn't out to hurt me, he didn't know who I was at all."
"What did he look like?"
"Tall, blond, British, cocky as all hell-"
"Mr. Sark?"
"Yeah," she nodded slowly recalling the name. "That was what Viktor called him, what does he have to do with Irina?"
"At one time he worked for your mother, he may still. It's likely that he was her source. Your mother saved your life, and you saved hers."
"Am I supposed to thank her?" Kat asked bitterly. "I should have just aimed that gun a little higher and ended everything."
"Don't say that," Jack shook his head. "Whatever you think of her Katarina, she is your mother, and I know you could never do that."
"Don't underestimate me Jack. She ruined my life," Kat wanted to scream. "She should have just ended it before I was born. Would have saved us all a lot of pain."
"Don't you say that, don't you ever say that," Jack said angrily. "Despite what you think of me, do you really think your sister would have wanted that, do you really think I would have wanted that?" Her face was blank revealing her answer. "Despite your feelings of hatred towards me, don't think that that is what I would want."
"I don't hate you," her voice trembled. "I never meant for you to think that. Yes at times I didn't like you, but I never hated you." Kat stood turning to face him. "You have to understand, I've been on my own most of my life. I've been taking care of myself since I was five-years-old and then all of the sudden, everything's wrong, mixed up and there's this.this. man," her eyes filled with tears and her voice trembled as she spoke. "And he's telling me what to do, like he's my father, but he's not. He's her father, and I was jealous of that. She seemed to have everything that I had missed out on, a real family. As screwed up as it was, it was everything that I had wanted that I had prayed for my whole life. She was giving it to me, She was my family but it wasn't enough. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore but there you were telling me what to do, how to act, how to feel and I got so confused and then you started to remind of him and I got scared and it was just easier to keep you away."
"I reminded you of who?" Jack asked reaching for her hand but she pulled it back wiping the tears from her eyes. She didn't want to answer him, he could see that but he had to know. "Who did I remind you of?"
"It, it was. It was Mr. Caldwell," she blurted out immediately regretting the words as she saw the shocked expression on his face.
"If I've done something.I-" Jack didn't know what to say as he struggled for words unsure of how or why he had reminded her of her former foster father.
"Not in that way," she shook her head ashamed that she'd even said it. "You reminded me of him, but before he started doing things to me." She watched Jack seeing his jaw clench up and his hands tighten to fists at his sides. "He liked me to call him Dad, and he always called me Kathryn, not Kat or Katy always Kathryn, you always called me Kathryn."
Jack watched the tears well up in her eyes again. Her hands shook, her voice trembled; she could barely breath.
"He was tall, like you; he had dark hair it was going gray. Dark eyes, his voice was low, and he was nervous around me. He watched me a lot, what I did, what I said. I liked his wife and she really liked me, I missed my mom so much and she was nice, and I think he resented that." She was beginning to loose control. "His hands," she reached out and opened Jack's palm placing her hand against his. "They were so big, like yours and I remember how he touched me-and-I" She pulled away abruptly about to completely break down.
Her back to him Jack watched her struggle to regain control and then looked to his hands, Kat's look of excruciating pain playing through his mind as she'd held them.
"Look, I know you're not him, but I can't help what I feel," she turned around to face him once more. "Are we done here? Have we put each other through enough pain for one day? Can we just go?" She didn't wait for his answer and walked as quickly as she could manage with the cane back to his car.
"Kat," Jack grabbed her hand as she neared the iron gate. "I need to know why you lied to me last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Last night," Jack didn't let go of her hand and he forced her to look him in the eye. "I asked you if they raped you, you looked me right in the eye and you lied to me?"
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