Chapter Thirty Five
"Kat," Jack grabbed her hand as she neared the iron gate. "I need to know why you lied to me last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Last night," Jack didn't let go of her hand and he forced her to look him in the eye. "I asked you if they raped you, you looked me right in the eye and you lied to me."
She tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let her, "Jack-I don't know what you're talking about."
"I need to know why," he said. "We're not going anywhere until you tell me why you lied."
"I didn't," she looked everywhere but at him but it was unavoidable and her eyes met his again. "Not exactly."
"Tell me," he asked.
"He didn't do it, but I think he would have. I was asleep and I woke up, Viktor, he was on top of me, he was drunk. He wanted to do it. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't breath. Everything that I was supposed to do, I couldn't. I swore it would never happen again, but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I mean I could have stopped him, he was drunk. I'm sure I could have overpowered him but nothing would work. My legs wouldn't kick, my hands wouldn't move. So I pretended like I wasn't even there. I let it happen, I couldn't stop him and then.."
"What happened?"
"Papa," her voice broke. "I mean Khasinau he came in, and he pulled him off me."
"So it never got that far?"
"No," she shook her head. "The point is I was going to let it happen. I didn't care. You all thought I was dead, you weren't coming, I didn't want him to do it, but I didn't care anymore. I just gave up-"
"Kat it's alright, you were scared, there's nothing you could have done."
"You don't get it," she cried. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her chin trembled. "I gave up. I told him. He showed me pictures, pictures of my funeral, pictures of you, of Sydney. I tried not to but I thought it didn't matter any more. He broke me. You weren't coming for me. I didn't know what to do. He kept asking me and asking me and asking me and I didn't care. I just wanted him to stop! I wanted it all to stop! And Viktor I was going to let him do it because I didn't care anymore, nothing mattered. I gave up."
She was fighting him now. Sobbing uncontrollably. Her fists pounded his chest, but not hard, she was far too weak and she crumbled to her knees. Jack went down with her; his hands firmly held her shoulders, just so she wouldn't hurt herself. He was confused. He tried to process her words, to understand what she was saying. But was she saying what he thought she was? What had she told Khasinau? But more importantly what did she mean by giving up?
"I gave up!" she screamed. Her pounding fists worked even harder. "I gave up hope, I gave up, I gave up on you." His eyes met hers and he could see the pain and regret in them. She was ashamed of herself. "I'm sorry. I gave up on you, I'm so sorry." Her fists stilled against his chest and her forehead leaned in as she sobbed. "I'm sorry I gave up on you, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Daddy."
Jack stiffened as she apologized to him; her voice was muffled into his jacket but he still heard her words. He tightened his hold on her and she collapsed into his chest. It was awkward at first but his arms relaxed around her and she sobbed into his chest her entire body shaking as she gripped the material of his jacket in her fists.
"I'm sorry Daddy."
"It's alright." He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. "Shhh, It's alright sweetheart."
Her arms stretched around his body holding tight, never wanting to let go. It was this feeling, the same one she'd felt when he'd carried her out of the house in Russia, the same feeling she'd had when he'd held her hand so she could fall asleep after she'd been attacked at the safehouse. She'd felt like he was the strongest man in the world and she was safe. It was the safety she'd craved for the last four months, hell the safety she'd craved for the last twelve years. The safety only a true father could bring.
He held her, rocking her in his arms until her breathing returned to normal and her cries subsided into choked hiccups. She fit in his arms, just right. It was the same as when he'd carried her out of the house in Russia. She was seventeen, but it hadn't felt like that. Whether it was her size or the adrenaline, it didn't matter, in his arms she'd felt like a ten-year- old child, his ten-year-old child. But today she wasn't a ten-year-old child. She was a grown woman, who'd been through and experienced more in her seventeen years than anyone should ever have to. But she was his child. He'd never seen her so damaged like this, so broken. He didn't know she could get like this. The tough exterior she portrayed hid everything, and it was now that he realized just how deep that exterior ran. She was far beyond compartalization. She'd observed a lot in her time. She knew when she was supposed to cry, to laugh, to smile, to show her feelings to others, but most of it was a façade. She was a robot; she didn't know how to feel. She pretended and fooled most people but she didn't know how to truly feel things, to let others know how she truly felt. Over the years she'd built walls around herself, with locked doors and vaults to protect herself from being hurt and they'd never been penetrated until now. She was exposed, vulnerable, raw, and for the first time, Jack saw her true being. Seeing her like she was now, he realized that those walls were beginning to break down. He'd seen it first in Spain. After Agent MacGyver had kissed her good bye, she'd been lost in her own little world. She was opening up and she was beginning to learn how to feel again.
Several minutes later she slowly pulled away her chin still trembling, her eyes red and swollen looking apologetic. Jack helped her stand, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and wiped her cheeks. "You're all right sweetheart, you made it." Her face crumbled again and she flung her arms around his neck. Jack held her close, kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back lightly carefully avoiding the painful abrasions. "When you're ready, I need to know what you told Khasinau about The Contessa," he said softly.
She nodded, her face muffled in his shirt as she struggled to stop crying. Eventually she pulled back turning away from him. When she faced him again, she was composed, her cheeks dry, her eyes clear. She gave him a brief smile and adjusted his collar. Jack took her hand and led her to a bench just outside the gate. He sat down and waited for her to begin.
Kat studied her hands for a long while before speaking. "After Khasinau came in and pulled Viktor off me, he said he wanted me to go somewhere with him. After that it's a total blank. The next thing I knew, we were on the roof and I was walking along the peak. I don't know how I got from that room to the roof. I don't remember taking those steps. There are a few things that are just blanks to me. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got that burn on my arm. I just looked down and it was there. I don't know how I ended up with paint all over my clothes; I don't know how I got on the roof. I was just there, with Khasinau." She swallowed hard picking at her fingernails before continuing. "When I first saw him.. I woke up and I was in this room. I had new clothes on and I was in a bed, at first I thought you'd come for me and I was safe. And he came in, I still thought I was safe. He was my father, my Papa. And my Papa wouldn't ever hurt me right. I didn't understand, I watched him die but there he was, he was alive and he was real-I touched him, and he kissed my cheek. It was like a dream come true. Then he asked me about The Contessa and I knew he wasn't there to save me. He wasn't there to help me at all. He just wanted what they all wanted I wouldn't tell him, he tried to make me but I wouldn't, I couldn't." She watched as Jack slipped his hand in hers and held it gently as he waited for her to continue.
"When we were on the roof, it was like I just opened my eyes and I was there, but in reality, I never closed my eyes. I was in the middle of the peak facing him, he was holding out his hands to me. There was a lot of wind and I almost fell but I didn't. He told me to tell him what The Contessa was and he'd help me walk to him. I said no. I wouldn't tell him what it was. I'd rather die than tell him. He walked towards me; I thought he was going to help me but he grabbed my hands and knocked me off the roof. He held me there. He said he'd pull me back up if I told him, but I said no, I couldn't. He let go of my one hand and I thought I was going to fall. Then he started to tell me about Sydney. She was at home, in her room reading Alice in Wonderland. She was drinking coffee and Will was there, he was downstairs watching a hockey game with Vaughn. The leafs were winning. He said he'd kill her if I didn't tell him right then. I begged him not to but he wouldn't listen. He took out his phone and he dialed and he told the person on the other end the target was Sydney Bristow. He told them to complete the plan. I didn't think he'd actually do it but I-so I told him. I didn't know it was a bluff, I didn't know you were there." She paused momentarily to catch her breath.
"What did you tell him?"
"I-I lied. I didn't know what else to do so I told him it was a book that's all I knew that it was just a book. I swore that's all it was. He believed me. He pulled me up and then he was gone and I was left with Viktor. He wanted to know where it was now. I told him that I didn't know. He didn't believe me, so he beat me." She looked up at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let him hurt Sydney so I lied. I thought when Papa found out that I lied, he might have just killed me. I almost wished that he would. No one was waiting for me; no one was coming for me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore."
Jack put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against his chest. "You're alright now, you're safe," he whispered. "You made it."
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear. "Thank you for everything."
"Your welcome," he managed a quick smile.
"Not just for yesterday, or today," she shook her head. Her voice shook as she continued and said the words that were hard for her to say. "He was never a real father to me. Now, I think most of my memories aren't really memories at all. Just vague pieces I've put together over the years and used my imagination to fill in the blanks. Jack, you've been more of a father to me in the past four months than he ever was in the four years that I had him. Maybe I'd like that to continue."
If there was a slight hesitation in his voice, he hoped she didn't notice. He knew it had taken a lot for her to say that, to leave herself open to be hurt, but he had no intentions to do that. "So would I," he nodded solemnly.
She smiled briefly but her expression turned sour. "I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but-"
"Yes."
"I need to see Arvin-"
"No, absolutely not," Jack shook his head.
"Jack come on please-"
"No, I will not allow you anywhere near that man-"
"Listen to me," she pleaded. "Jack please. I have questions, that only he can answer. I need answers, I need to know why."
"Arvin Sloane is not the kind of man who will give you answers just because you want them. He will only give you answers if it serves to be in his best interest or if it hurts someone he dislikes. And I am not willing to take that chance. I will not allow you to take that chance."
"And what if you're wrong." She sighed rubbing her eyes wearily. "What if he'd tell me something that he wouldn't tell you. Jack, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering why, or how, or when, or what his plans were for me. I need to see him face to face. If he won't tell me than I will have to accept that, I'll have to find my answers elsewhere but I have to at least try-"
"Katarina you don't understand-"
"No Jack, you don't understand," she shook head. "You chose this life-You chose to do what it is that you do. I never had a choice; I never had the chance to make a decision for me. People have been molding me into who knows what since I was four years old and I just want it to stop. I need this. I need to know if my son is in any danger. What if you came with me?" she suggested. "What if you came so that I wasn't alone but you can't talk, you can only listen. Please," she begged. "I really need this Jack."
"I'll talk to Devlin," he relented. "I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," she said gratefully.
"We should get going," he stood. "I still have to get you to medical services."
"Jack," Kat caught his hand and pulled him back to the bench. "Before at the cemetery, you told me that I could be anyone that wanted."
"Yes."
"When I was in Russia, I started to remember things. Jack, I remember being Katarina."
"What do you remember?"
"Just being her. Mom called me Katy, Papa called me Katarina, Alexander called me Katarina, and someone. someone called me Katya, but I don't remember who that was. I just remember being her, but that was before I was Molly Stevenson, Elizabeth Mitchell, Elena Roderiguez and Kathryn Sullivan. We moved around a lot before New York; Canada, Chicago, Ohio, Mexico. We got around a lot," she smiled. "But if it's alright with you, I'd like to be Katarina again. Katarina Bristow, Kat."
"That would be fine," he said softly and she thought she saw a hint of a smile on his face.
"Good," she smiled. "Let's-" she was interrupted by his cell phone.
"Bristow. Hi Sydney, yes we're heading back now. Yeah she's fine, everything is fine." Jack stood and they began walking back to the car. "We saw him before we left, roughly and hour ago. Well let me know when you find him. See you in a bit. Bye honey."
"Who were you talking about?" Kat asked as they neared the car.
"Agent Weiss," Jack explained. "He left the office, he's not answering his phone, no one can seem to get a hold of him."
"Oh," she said concerned. She was about to get in the car but stopped. "Jack?"
"Yes."
"Will you take me somewhere first?"
"Sure." He started to get in the car and then stopped. "Katy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really proud of you."
She didn't respond but Jack saw a slow smile trace her lips as she got in the car. Maybe, just maybe, they had a chance.
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"Kat," Jack grabbed her hand as she neared the iron gate. "I need to know why you lied to me last night."
"What are you talking about?"
"Last night," Jack didn't let go of her hand and he forced her to look him in the eye. "I asked you if they raped you, you looked me right in the eye and you lied to me."
She tried to pull her hand away but he wouldn't let her, "Jack-I don't know what you're talking about."
"I need to know why," he said. "We're not going anywhere until you tell me why you lied."
"I didn't," she looked everywhere but at him but it was unavoidable and her eyes met his again. "Not exactly."
"Tell me," he asked.
"He didn't do it, but I think he would have. I was asleep and I woke up, Viktor, he was on top of me, he was drunk. He wanted to do it. I tried to stop him, but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't breath. Everything that I was supposed to do, I couldn't. I swore it would never happen again, but I couldn't do anything to stop him. I mean I could have stopped him, he was drunk. I'm sure I could have overpowered him but nothing would work. My legs wouldn't kick, my hands wouldn't move. So I pretended like I wasn't even there. I let it happen, I couldn't stop him and then.."
"What happened?"
"Papa," her voice broke. "I mean Khasinau he came in, and he pulled him off me."
"So it never got that far?"
"No," she shook her head. "The point is I was going to let it happen. I didn't care. You all thought I was dead, you weren't coming, I didn't want him to do it, but I didn't care anymore. I just gave up-"
"Kat it's alright, you were scared, there's nothing you could have done."
"You don't get it," she cried. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her chin trembled. "I gave up. I told him. He showed me pictures, pictures of my funeral, pictures of you, of Sydney. I tried not to but I thought it didn't matter any more. He broke me. You weren't coming for me. I didn't know what to do. He kept asking me and asking me and asking me and I didn't care. I just wanted him to stop! I wanted it all to stop! And Viktor I was going to let him do it because I didn't care anymore, nothing mattered. I gave up."
She was fighting him now. Sobbing uncontrollably. Her fists pounded his chest, but not hard, she was far too weak and she crumbled to her knees. Jack went down with her; his hands firmly held her shoulders, just so she wouldn't hurt herself. He was confused. He tried to process her words, to understand what she was saying. But was she saying what he thought she was? What had she told Khasinau? But more importantly what did she mean by giving up?
"I gave up!" she screamed. Her pounding fists worked even harder. "I gave up hope, I gave up, I gave up on you." His eyes met hers and he could see the pain and regret in them. She was ashamed of herself. "I'm sorry. I gave up on you, I'm so sorry." Her fists stilled against his chest and her forehead leaned in as she sobbed. "I'm sorry I gave up on you, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Daddy."
Jack stiffened as she apologized to him; her voice was muffled into his jacket but he still heard her words. He tightened his hold on her and she collapsed into his chest. It was awkward at first but his arms relaxed around her and she sobbed into his chest her entire body shaking as she gripped the material of his jacket in her fists.
"I'm sorry Daddy."
"It's alright." He kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. "Shhh, It's alright sweetheart."
Her arms stretched around his body holding tight, never wanting to let go. It was this feeling, the same one she'd felt when he'd carried her out of the house in Russia, the same feeling she'd had when he'd held her hand so she could fall asleep after she'd been attacked at the safehouse. She'd felt like he was the strongest man in the world and she was safe. It was the safety she'd craved for the last four months, hell the safety she'd craved for the last twelve years. The safety only a true father could bring.
He held her, rocking her in his arms until her breathing returned to normal and her cries subsided into choked hiccups. She fit in his arms, just right. It was the same as when he'd carried her out of the house in Russia. She was seventeen, but it hadn't felt like that. Whether it was her size or the adrenaline, it didn't matter, in his arms she'd felt like a ten-year- old child, his ten-year-old child. But today she wasn't a ten-year-old child. She was a grown woman, who'd been through and experienced more in her seventeen years than anyone should ever have to. But she was his child. He'd never seen her so damaged like this, so broken. He didn't know she could get like this. The tough exterior she portrayed hid everything, and it was now that he realized just how deep that exterior ran. She was far beyond compartalization. She'd observed a lot in her time. She knew when she was supposed to cry, to laugh, to smile, to show her feelings to others, but most of it was a façade. She was a robot; she didn't know how to feel. She pretended and fooled most people but she didn't know how to truly feel things, to let others know how she truly felt. Over the years she'd built walls around herself, with locked doors and vaults to protect herself from being hurt and they'd never been penetrated until now. She was exposed, vulnerable, raw, and for the first time, Jack saw her true being. Seeing her like she was now, he realized that those walls were beginning to break down. He'd seen it first in Spain. After Agent MacGyver had kissed her good bye, she'd been lost in her own little world. She was opening up and she was beginning to learn how to feel again.
Several minutes later she slowly pulled away her chin still trembling, her eyes red and swollen looking apologetic. Jack helped her stand, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and wiped her cheeks. "You're all right sweetheart, you made it." Her face crumbled again and she flung her arms around his neck. Jack held her close, kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back lightly carefully avoiding the painful abrasions. "When you're ready, I need to know what you told Khasinau about The Contessa," he said softly.
She nodded, her face muffled in his shirt as she struggled to stop crying. Eventually she pulled back turning away from him. When she faced him again, she was composed, her cheeks dry, her eyes clear. She gave him a brief smile and adjusted his collar. Jack took her hand and led her to a bench just outside the gate. He sat down and waited for her to begin.
Kat studied her hands for a long while before speaking. "After Khasinau came in and pulled Viktor off me, he said he wanted me to go somewhere with him. After that it's a total blank. The next thing I knew, we were on the roof and I was walking along the peak. I don't know how I got from that room to the roof. I don't remember taking those steps. There are a few things that are just blanks to me. I don't know what happened. I don't know how I got that burn on my arm. I just looked down and it was there. I don't know how I ended up with paint all over my clothes; I don't know how I got on the roof. I was just there, with Khasinau." She swallowed hard picking at her fingernails before continuing. "When I first saw him.. I woke up and I was in this room. I had new clothes on and I was in a bed, at first I thought you'd come for me and I was safe. And he came in, I still thought I was safe. He was my father, my Papa. And my Papa wouldn't ever hurt me right. I didn't understand, I watched him die but there he was, he was alive and he was real-I touched him, and he kissed my cheek. It was like a dream come true. Then he asked me about The Contessa and I knew he wasn't there to save me. He wasn't there to help me at all. He just wanted what they all wanted I wouldn't tell him, he tried to make me but I wouldn't, I couldn't." She watched as Jack slipped his hand in hers and held it gently as he waited for her to continue.
"When we were on the roof, it was like I just opened my eyes and I was there, but in reality, I never closed my eyes. I was in the middle of the peak facing him, he was holding out his hands to me. There was a lot of wind and I almost fell but I didn't. He told me to tell him what The Contessa was and he'd help me walk to him. I said no. I wouldn't tell him what it was. I'd rather die than tell him. He walked towards me; I thought he was going to help me but he grabbed my hands and knocked me off the roof. He held me there. He said he'd pull me back up if I told him, but I said no, I couldn't. He let go of my one hand and I thought I was going to fall. Then he started to tell me about Sydney. She was at home, in her room reading Alice in Wonderland. She was drinking coffee and Will was there, he was downstairs watching a hockey game with Vaughn. The leafs were winning. He said he'd kill her if I didn't tell him right then. I begged him not to but he wouldn't listen. He took out his phone and he dialed and he told the person on the other end the target was Sydney Bristow. He told them to complete the plan. I didn't think he'd actually do it but I-so I told him. I didn't know it was a bluff, I didn't know you were there." She paused momentarily to catch her breath.
"What did you tell him?"
"I-I lied. I didn't know what else to do so I told him it was a book that's all I knew that it was just a book. I swore that's all it was. He believed me. He pulled me up and then he was gone and I was left with Viktor. He wanted to know where it was now. I told him that I didn't know. He didn't believe me, so he beat me." She looked up at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let him hurt Sydney so I lied. I thought when Papa found out that I lied, he might have just killed me. I almost wished that he would. No one was waiting for me; no one was coming for me. Nothing seemed to matter anymore."
Jack put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against his chest. "You're alright now, you're safe," he whispered. "You made it."
"Thank you," she whispered in his ear. "Thank you for everything."
"Your welcome," he managed a quick smile.
"Not just for yesterday, or today," she shook her head. Her voice shook as she continued and said the words that were hard for her to say. "He was never a real father to me. Now, I think most of my memories aren't really memories at all. Just vague pieces I've put together over the years and used my imagination to fill in the blanks. Jack, you've been more of a father to me in the past four months than he ever was in the four years that I had him. Maybe I'd like that to continue."
If there was a slight hesitation in his voice, he hoped she didn't notice. He knew it had taken a lot for her to say that, to leave herself open to be hurt, but he had no intentions to do that. "So would I," he nodded solemnly.
She smiled briefly but her expression turned sour. "I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but-"
"Yes."
"I need to see Arvin-"
"No, absolutely not," Jack shook his head.
"Jack come on please-"
"No, I will not allow you anywhere near that man-"
"Listen to me," she pleaded. "Jack please. I have questions, that only he can answer. I need answers, I need to know why."
"Arvin Sloane is not the kind of man who will give you answers just because you want them. He will only give you answers if it serves to be in his best interest or if it hurts someone he dislikes. And I am not willing to take that chance. I will not allow you to take that chance."
"And what if you're wrong." She sighed rubbing her eyes wearily. "What if he'd tell me something that he wouldn't tell you. Jack, I can't spend the rest of my life wondering why, or how, or when, or what his plans were for me. I need to see him face to face. If he won't tell me than I will have to accept that, I'll have to find my answers elsewhere but I have to at least try-"
"Katarina you don't understand-"
"No Jack, you don't understand," she shook head. "You chose this life-You chose to do what it is that you do. I never had a choice; I never had the chance to make a decision for me. People have been molding me into who knows what since I was four years old and I just want it to stop. I need this. I need to know if my son is in any danger. What if you came with me?" she suggested. "What if you came so that I wasn't alone but you can't talk, you can only listen. Please," she begged. "I really need this Jack."
"I'll talk to Devlin," he relented. "I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you," she said gratefully.
"We should get going," he stood. "I still have to get you to medical services."
"Jack," Kat caught his hand and pulled him back to the bench. "Before at the cemetery, you told me that I could be anyone that wanted."
"Yes."
"When I was in Russia, I started to remember things. Jack, I remember being Katarina."
"What do you remember?"
"Just being her. Mom called me Katy, Papa called me Katarina, Alexander called me Katarina, and someone. someone called me Katya, but I don't remember who that was. I just remember being her, but that was before I was Molly Stevenson, Elizabeth Mitchell, Elena Roderiguez and Kathryn Sullivan. We moved around a lot before New York; Canada, Chicago, Ohio, Mexico. We got around a lot," she smiled. "But if it's alright with you, I'd like to be Katarina again. Katarina Bristow, Kat."
"That would be fine," he said softly and she thought she saw a hint of a smile on his face.
"Good," she smiled. "Let's-" she was interrupted by his cell phone.
"Bristow. Hi Sydney, yes we're heading back now. Yeah she's fine, everything is fine." Jack stood and they began walking back to the car. "We saw him before we left, roughly and hour ago. Well let me know when you find him. See you in a bit. Bye honey."
"Who were you talking about?" Kat asked as they neared the car.
"Agent Weiss," Jack explained. "He left the office, he's not answering his phone, no one can seem to get a hold of him."
"Oh," she said concerned. She was about to get in the car but stopped. "Jack?"
"Yes."
"Will you take me somewhere first?"
"Sure." He started to get in the car and then stopped. "Katy?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really proud of you."
She didn't respond but Jack saw a slow smile trace her lips as she got in the car. Maybe, just maybe, they had a chance.
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