Grissom knew he had screwed up. Big time. He knew that this was probably the last nudge their relationship needed to be pushed down the cliff. He hadn't meant to sound insensitive when proposing an abortion four weeks ago. He just hadn't thought it through that much.
He never considered himself to be father-material. He came out of a broken home, work was his life, and there was of course the subject of otosclerosis, which was probably hereditary. He simply wouldn't put a child through what he went trough. The fear of losing your hearing. He for one loved music, and apparently so did Sara. If they were to have kids they'd probably like music as well, but maybe one day they wouldn't be able to enjoy it anymore.
He knew at this point he should give Sara a little time. He could understand she wanted to keep the baby even if it hadn't been the plan to get pregnant in the first place. She would be perfectly capable of raising a child, hormones started to race as soon as she got pregnant, and she was already in her mid-thirties, so time might be an issue too.
Don't be insane Gil! Even if she were a good ten years younger and had had a lot less money to support her -our- baby she would have wanted to keep it. She meant what she said about not being able to kill another human being and you have to agree that although she isn't very far along in her pregnancy the foetus is already alive.
Somewhere in a far corner of his heart he even felt a little proud. Proud of himself, because he had proven he had good sperm, and definately proud of Sara, for being able to go through the morning sickness did she have any? and for refusing to let him decide about the fate of their baby. She was right, it was after all her belly in which that little creature was growing.
Suddenly it hit him. He was going to be a father!
Whether he wanted to or not, he would always be at least genetically linked to that baby. It would always be half his. His input had decided whether it was going to be a boy or a girl, he realized.
This would link him and Sara for eternity. They had shared their genes and from that mix a wonderful little person would grow. There was at least a fifty percent chance that their child would have its mother's beautiful chocolate eyes.
He had always thought Sara was the most gorgeous woman in the world. If he was to have a daughter Sara would go to second place. He loved Sara with all his heart, but he would love their child even more.
But it would mean commitment for the rest of your life. Work can never come first anymore. Yeah? Well it's about time!
Grissom decided there and then that he was going to be a daddy. He wasn't sure yet about a relationship with Sara. He knew deep down he wanted to, but he wasn't sure she'd let him.
Sara had realized much earlier that it was a great thing to be able to have a child. You can decide you want children, but you can't decide to have them.
He got up from his chair, realising he had been sitting there for over two hours without getting any paperwork done. He had been avoiding Sara ever since their encounter at the musicstore. He had paired her with either Sofia or Greg. He was positive they wouldn't have been able to get any work done when working together.
The others, including swingshift had of course noticed something was off. You could cut the tension with a knife, a spoon might even do it.
He found Sara in the breakroom.
"Hey." He said.
She looked up at him with that dark look in her eyes.
"Grissom." She said coldly.
"Can we talk?"
"No."
"Come on. I'll buy you a cup of tea." He said.
She lifted up her cup.
"Got tea right here!" She said bitterly.
"Donut then?" He tried.
"Not hungry."
Grissom sighed. He didn't blame her one bit for her attitude. She had every right to be mad at him. He wasn't sure who was more angry with him. Sara, or him.
"I want to talk with you and I think it's best if we do it outside the office. I understand you're mad at me but I need for you to hear this."
"I'm not a slight bit interested in what you have to say anymore. I used to think things would get better. There were times when I thought there would come a moment when you wouldn't hurt me anymore with the things you say. I thought that moment had come when we... You know..."
He nodded in silence.
"But I was wrong. I was dead wrong! Really Grissom. I'm tired. I don't want this anymore." Sara laid her head in her hands.
Grissom felt a sudden urge to wrap his arms around her. To comfort her and protect her from the things that had hurt her. But he was the one that did all this to her.
"Please come for coffee Sara."
"If you have anything to say. Say it here. I don't care what anybody thinks anymore."
Grissom sighed. He wanted to keep his personal life personal, but he also wanted to tell Sara he wanted to be there for her and for their baby. The latter won, people would find out anyway.
He placed a chair opposite hers and he put his hands on the table.
"Okay... Here's the thing... I know I've hurt you so bad and I am so sorry."
Sara stared at her tea cup.
"I know I can't take back the things I said and did." Grissom continued.
"But I want you to know that I realise what a jerk I have been. The tought of commitment scares me. Not only commitment to you, but also to a child. The lasting kind of commitment. I never thought about having children and I just assumed neither had you. To me at the time abortion was the obvious thing to do."
Sara stared at him, her glare a mix of anger and sadness.
"I have thought about this baby a lot over the past few weeks and I have decided that although a relationship between us will probably not work out, I want to be here for this child."
"You're too late." Sara responded.
"Please don't say that. I know what I said earlier, but I will love this kid so much. I want to see him or her grow up, I want to play baseball in the park..."
"Baseball?" She asked.
"Yes! I want to go for long walks by the lake and excursions into the desert. I want to teach this baby everything I know."
"It's not going to happen Gil."
He stared at her in disbelief.
"Why not? I mean, Sara I know that you're so angry and you have every right to be. But please let me be a part of his life!"
"You can't." Sara's voice shivered.
"I think I can."
"No."
Sara stood up.
"There's not going to be a baby. I miscarried."
Sorry, more angst! But look at it this way. There's no way but up from here! Lynn