The air was shaking with the heat of a summer's day and it seemed like the streets were paved with mirrors reflecting the cars that were driving through them.
She longed for the cold winters at Harvard, or at least the water she had in Tamales Bay. Something to escape the excruciating heat of the city they called Las Vegas; 'The Fertile Valleys'.
Fertile. Something she didn't want to think about at this moment. Grissom, their baby, the loss, the pain. She missed both of them. Although she was still mad at Grissom she could understand what moved him, which made it all so hard.
She wanted to get out of the city, if only for a week. She needed a diversion, something different than here. She wanted Grissom to be with her.
A faint knock on the door caught her attention. She got up, put her book away and went to open it. There was nobody there. She looked at the floor, maybe there had been some sort of delivery. There was nothing there either.
Great Sar! Now you start imagining things because you want to see him.
She closed the door and stared at the phone. Could she? Should she?
She decided she would. She picked up the phone and dialed Grissom's cellphone number.
"Grissom."
"Hey. It's Sara."
"Hi..."
"I want to go away."
"What?" Grissom sounded shocked.
"I want to leave."
"Sara, don't do this! I'm coming over!"
"I won't let you in. I only want to go for a week or so. I need to get away from here. Away from the pain." Away from you.
"I'm coming over anyway. Wheter or not you'll let me in, I'll be there in twenty minutes."
Sara sighed.
"Be right there." Grissom hung up.
Sara wandered through her apartment restlessly. She didn't find the peace to sit down again, knowing that she would see the man she loved -in spite of everything- in a few minutes once again.
Hurt had fed her anger but studying the situation from a distant point of view she realised being mad wouldn't change what happened.
This time the knock on the door was real and despite the fact that Sara told Grissom she wouldn't let him in she couldn't help walking to the door and opening it for him.
"Don't go!" Was the first thing he said.
"Hello to you." Sara replied grimly.
"Stay."
"It's just for a week Grissom."
"Can I come in?"
"I don't think that is a very good idea."
"Please, Sara, we need to talk."
She sighed, but let him in nevertheless.
Grissom sat down on her couch without taking his eyes off her.
"I want to know." He said softly. "I can only imagine the pain, both emotional and physical you went through. I want to know."
"It's in the past, I don't want to talk about it."
"Although the pain is in the past, one wonders why it seems to last."
"What... Shakespeare?"
"Gil Grissom." He answered shortly. "I want to know Sara. Please tell me what you went through. I am so sorry I wasn't there for you to ease the pain."
"Nothing could've made this right."
"I know honey."
Sara looked at the sincerely worried look in his eyes and lowered herself on the coffee table opposite him.
"Okay. I'll tell you." She looked down at her hands.
"I woke up one morning -maybe a week after you found me in the music store- and I felt terrible. I had a major headache and I had cramps like I'd never felt them before. I knew something was wrong."
Sara took a deep breath.
"I called my OBGYN because I would have an appointment with her two days later. She told me what I already feared; that I was probably miscarrying. I could go to the hospital or just stay at home and wait."
Her voice was so soft Grissom could barely make out the words. He reached for her hand.
"I suddenly lost a lot of blood and I went to the bathroom and just sat there. For hours I think. And I held it, you know. It was so small -only an inch or so- and it looked so bizarre. And then I did something I know I shouldn't have. Please don't be mad at me."
"I couldn't." Grissom said. "What did you do?"
"I took a little bit of tissue from the placenta and I ran it through DNA..." She admitted.
Grissom's eyes widened. "You know you aren't supposed to do that." He said with a hint of surprise.
Sara glared at him.
"I needed to know what it would have been. I just... I needed to."
Grissom squeezed her hand. "Would you tell me?"
"It was a girl." Sara's voice broke. "We would have gotten a girl."
She broke down in tears and Grissom -who felt them prickle behind his eyes as well- pulled her next to him. He wrapped his arms tightly around her and together they cried over the loss of their baby girl.
After what seemed like hours they broke apart.
"I burried her." Sara sobbed. "I needed to... She deserved to be returned to nature."
"Have you named her?" Grissom asked quietly.
Sara looked at him. "No, I never thought about..."
"Will you name her with me?"
"Yes... That would be nice." Sara agreed.
"She needs to get a name worthy of her. Something that tells who and how she was."
Sara swallowed. She turned her head towards the window and nodded, painfully aware of Grissom's hands still holding hers.
"How about Eve?" She said softly.
"Eve..." The name escaped Grissom like a breeze. "I think that's beautiful sweety... Eve..."
"Eve means 'to live' -she will always live in my heart- and Eve was the first woman and our first child."
Sara blushed as she realized what she was saying.
"She was our first." Grissom agreed, understanding very well why Sara had suddenly turned red.
Sara looked up at him.
"I don't know if I can... Do this. It's too soon. You hurt me."
"I know honey and I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you in this way. I have always been a bit scared of 'us'. Sleeping with you was a big step forward for me in a way."
Grissom's eyes darted back and forward.
"And then... I don't know what happened. I guess it all became too real for me and I suddenly realised you had come closer than anyone ever had. I distanced myself for a while to get used to the idea and then you turned out to be pregnant. I was just so confused."
He looked Sara in the eyes, softly rubbing her knuckles with his thumbs.
"I'd never have wanted for you to get an abortion. I wanted this baby to be born. It's just that the thought of becoming a father had never crossed my mind and I just assumed you wouldn't want a child either, seeing that we're consumed with our work. It took me too long to realise what a jerk I was and now it's too late."
A single tear rolled down his right cheek. Sara followed its path with her eyes. She watched it slowly descending the slopes of his face, coming to a daring rest at the edge of his jaw. She couldn't help but wipe it away.
The chemistry was still there -her body could tell her that much should she ever wonder- but the craving couldn't ever make her forget the pain this man had caused her.
He looked up at her at the soft touch of her fingers and he saw the conflict in her eyes.
"I don't expect you to and I don't want you to." He said softly.
"Oh." She said, her voice now mingled with disappointment and relief.
"No, don't get me wrong. I do want you to but not now."
"Deja vu." She stated with a sad smile.
"Perhaps." He agreed. "Only this time I won't screw up."
Let me know if you want me to continue or you want the story to end this way. I was planning on continuing to be honest, but as I was writing the last part of this chapter I suddenly felt this ending would suffice as well. Tell me in reviews! Lynn