Redemption

Chapter Fifty Five

The night was ablaze with coloured lights and musical sounds. It seemed the entire city of Los Angeles was on the pier that night. The smell of popcorn and hot dogs filled the air and the screams of children on the ferris wheel resonated through the night. It was a perfect night for the fair. Or it would have been, had the fifth member of their party not been so depressed.

While Weiss and Carrie argued about the benefits of sitting in the front versus the back of the roller coaster car, Marshall chattered on about the velocity and power of the different rides to no one in particular and Will followed close behind. He glanced back several times to see Kat lagging behind. Her heart was just not into having fun. "Kat, Kat," he called her name several times but she didn't respond. Her mind was elsewhere that night. The others stopped at a hot dog vendor and he waited for Kat to catch up. She nearly walked right into him.

"Katy are you hungry?" Will asked as she regained her bearings.

"No," she shook her head and sat down on a nearby bench.

"You've been pretty quiet tonight," he commented lifting his foot onto the bench to tie his shoe.

"Just tired," she shrugged.

He knew that wasn't it. "The show tomorrow should be great."

"What?" she asked slightly confused and then remembered that she was going to see the musical Chicago with him the next night. Originally he was supposed to go with his girlfriend Christa but they'd broken up the week before and Kat was going with him rather than let the tickets go to waste. "Oh the play sure, I've never seen a real show before."

He nodded and stood upright. "Be right back Katy." He left her on the bench and walked over to the others. "Weiss, what's going on with her?" he asked.

"What makes you think I know?" he said innocently his mouth full of a hot dog.

Will gave him a look. "You always know what's going on with her."

"She is abnormally quiet," Marshall pointed out though it was obvious to everyone there.

"She's going through a rough time." Weiss was evasive. Kat was the only one who could give the reason as to her present condition. With respect to her privacy, it was not his place to divulge any information. "She's adjusting to being back, worried about starting work on Monday and… Kat?" Weiss dropped the hot dog he had been eating and scanned the crowd. The bench where she had been sitting was vacant. "Kat! Kat!" he turned around in a circle searching the crowd for her. She could not be found. He craned his necking looking above the crowd, not that it would have done much good. Kat was smaller than the majority of the people and would have easily been lost. Carrie and Marshall had immediately tossed their hot dogs as well and went in different directions searching for her.

He could feel the panic starting to rise in his chest. He couldn't seem to catch his breath. He'd had her for less than twelve hours and already he'd lost her. Weiss had to wonder if this was the feeling parent's felt when they lost sight of their child in a crowded store or on the beach even for a second. It felt like darkness enveloping his entire being, pulling him down and suffocating him.

"I can't see her anywhere," Carrie returned to the bench where Kat had last been seen. "You don't think someone took her?"

Will shook his head and stood up on the bench to try and see over the crowd of people. "We would have heard something. She has to be here somewhere."

Marshall hurried back to them expressing his lack of luck as well. Kat seemed to have just vanished into thin air.

Weiss pulled out his phone and dialled the CIA number. His finger hovered over the talk button, but he was unable to push it. Mentally he agonized over the choice. On one hand he knew he should. The CIA could have a full team searching for her in less than ten minutes if she'd been taken. On the other, he had a feeling that she was okay and had just wandered off. He pressed the red button ending the call. Kat would never forgive him if he called it in.

"She couldn't have gone far. Do you see anything?" he asked Will who was still standing on the bench searching the crowd.

"No." Will changed directions and glanced down briefly at Weiss. "What game is she playing? Why did she take off?"

"She doesn't always have an ulterior motive Will. I doubt she did it intentionally." He was certain of that. She wandered off and he would bet any money she hadn't even realized she'd done it. Since their meeting with Jack earlier that afternoon she'd been slipping inside herself. Blocking out the outside world and living solely in her mind without speaking to anyone unless forced to. It was how she dealt with pain, by making it impossible for anyone to reach her. He hated when she got like that. It was impossible to know what was going on in her head. She got angry and reckless when in that state of mind. It scared him.

A flash of red caught his eye. No it wasn't her shirt, she was wearing pink. It was a sea of red balloons being held by a vendor on the pier. Immediately he knew where she was.

After spending several hours at the beach, the excitement if being back in LA had vanished and Jack's visit had put a damper on Kat's once good mood. He'd taken Kat back to his apartment where she'd spent the rest of the afternoon drawing red balloons on a pad of paper. It had always amazed him how she could continuously draw the same objects over and over again without losing interest.

Weiss took off pushing through the crowd until he broke free from the mass of people. He stopped short when he saw her purchasing a red helium balloon from the vendor. Perfectly safe not harmed in any way. That was when the fear subsided and the anger set in.

Carrie, Marshall and Will caught up quickly and they watched her with great interest as she handed the balloon to a blond headed youngster of about three or four. He was shabbily dressed in a pair of worn overalls and a ripped t-shirt with a mop of blond curls covering his head. It was clear the child and his mother were homeless or living in very difficult conditions.

"She's fine," Carrie said relieved that they had found her so quickly.

"Of course she is." Weiss was not particularly impressed with the stunt Kat had just pulled whether she'd knowingly done it or not. The little boy happily ran back to his mother, a smile from ear to ear and toting a bright red balloon. She watched him go with a small wave and then walked to one side of the pier looking out over the ocean.

Weiss walked over to her and grabbed her arm roughly turning her around to face him. "Don't ever do that again."

Kat's mouth formed a surprised 'oh' and her fist solidly connected with his jaw. Stunned she ran to the other side of the pier in tears.

Instantly Weiss regretted his actions. She was crying and he'd allowed his anger and fear to overpower his common sense. Rubbing his jaw with the palm of his hand he watched her repeatedly grip the wooden railing with her hands as she tried to control her anger. He turned back to the other three who stared at him in shock. "We'll catch up."

"But Weiss?" Will protested quickly taking a sideways glance at Kat.

"We'll catch up," he repeated firmly and waited until Carrie had pulled the other men away in the direction of the ferris wheel before he approached Kat.

"Kat?" he touched her shoulder and as expected she recoiled from the gesture. "'Shiner come on," he tried again and stepped in front of her so she couldn't back away. "I'm sorry, I should never have yelled at you like that. Kat?"

"Leave me alone."

She caught him off guard with a quick shove. He stumbled back and grabbed the railing to steady himself. Kat's were shut tightly; her cheeks streaked with tears and her breaths came in short shallow gasps.

"I was worried when we couldn't find you." He tried to explain his actions but she was neither listening nor did she care. "I thought maybe someone took you."

"Please Eric, she begged through closed lids. Please. Leave. Me. Alone."

"Come on 'Shiner, this is the game that we play." He stood back slightly in case she decided to hit him again. "You get mad. You yell at me. I tell you everything is going to be okay. We argue and then you know how it will end. "How 'bout we just skip everything in between and get right to the end?

"I just want to be left alone."

She turned the opposite way and tried to make a run for it but Weiss was expecting it and he grabbed her arms pulling her back to him. He ignored the shocked and concerned looks he received from curious onlookers and concentrated on getting Kat under control.

"Kat stop." Weiss narrowly avoided another angry punch directed at his jaw and used it to his advantage to grab her by the waist and haul her back to him. Strong arms encircled her body turning her to face him and holding her tightly against him. "Kat please stop," he requested.

Weiss' arms were locked around her body preventing anything but small movements. Kat tried to wriggle out of his arms, but it was useless. She was trapped. She tried to push and punch her way out of it, but he stood strong. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her breaths came in gasping heaves. Stubbornness eventually evaded her and she surrendered to his strength. Looping her arms around Weiss, she held tight and struggled to keep breathing.

"That's my girl," he said softly rubbing her back. Her face was buried into his chest and his shirt already half soaked with tears. "Let it all out, and just breathe. Cry for him all you want," he whispered in her ear.

She managed to nod in between gasping breaths and his words only made the tears come harder. "Jack says I'm obsessing over him," she said through broken cries.

Inwardly Weiss groaned, 'brilliant Jack, smart move.' "Are you?" he gently asked wiping some tears from her cheek.

"He's all I think about. Constantly. I wonder what he's doing or if he's safe and happy. I dream about him. What he looks like and sounds like, if he likes pre-school and I wonder if maybe he's anything like me."

Her words were muffled into his chest and he had to lean down to hear properly. Her arms were like a vice grip around him and he used the opportunity to rub her shoulders and upper arms until they relaxed slightly giving him some relief. "That's not abnormal 'Shiner. He's your son and you love him-"

"But that's just it," she cried out frustrated and angry. "I don't know if I love him. I don't know if I love him, or if I just feel this way because I think it's how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know if I'm capable of loving anyone."

"Kat-"

"It's true," she defended herself and looked up at him. "Eric I don't know if I love my own son."

"Stop that Kat," Weiss admonished her. "Of course you love him. Love is still even at its most complicated a basic human emotion. Every person on earth has the capacity to love someone and everyone does some just more than others."

"But-"

"You know what I think Shiner," he relaxed his grip on her and leaned his back against the railing. He didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "I think that for the first time since you were child, you're letting down your guards. You're allowing yourself to feel real emotion for the first time in so long and it scares you. If you didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt this much and you wouldn't cry this much. And that's okay. You had no other choice but to give him up. It was the best thing for everyone, but that doesn't mean that you don't love him, or don't want to be with him. Especially today." He looked down feeling her pull away slightly; her eyes were full of surprise and confusion. "Yes 'Shiner, I know exactly what day it is," he said softly and tightened his hold on her when she did the same.

"I can't believe it's been five years. Joshua is five years old today." she whispered and pulled away from him after a few moments. She turned to face the ocean and he followed. Standing directly behind her, he allowed his arms to be pulled over her shoulders and clasped on her chest. It was nearly dark and the last remains of the summer's sunset could be seen over the horizon as they faded into blackness. He felt a splash of moisture on his hands and knew instantly that she was crying again. Even after so many months of knowing her, it still mystified him that she was so comfortable with him. With others she would not allow herself to become this vulnerable, but with him, she let her guard down.

"When I think about it, I can still remember how much it hurt and how scared I was. It felt like this tiny little baby was tearing my body in half," she confessed.

"I thought they put you to sleep?" Weiss asked.

"They did," she clarified. "Only it was too late." She waited a few moments to gather her thoughts before continuing and telling him the whole story. He'd heard bits and pieces before but never the full version in her own words. "I was too young, too physically immature and too small to have him. The doctors knew that from the beginning. When I went into labour, I was stupid. It was too early and I was so scared. I just wanted it to stop so I pretended like it wasn't happening. What I did could have killed him," she admitted shamefully.

"At the time I was living in this group home for pregnant teenagers and I missed dinner. By the time someone came up to check on me, I was too far-gone for the doctors to try to stop the labour and keep him inside me. They took me to the hospital and I wouldn't let them touch me until Arvin came." She looked up at Weiss seeing the dark look cross his face at the mention of Arvin Sloane. "I know you don't like him and he's done horrible, terrible things to others, and to me. But back then, he was all I had. He was my knight in shining armour. He always made everything okay. When he got there, the baby was so close. They gave me something to stop the labour to do a c-section because I was too small and it hurt so badly. It was too late and what they gave me didn't work. I was so tired and all the different medications were putting me to sleep, but I had him. I was awake the whole time. I remember hearing him cry a little and the nurse took him right out, I never saw him. It hurt more than I could ever say and right after he was born they gave me something else and I was asleep." Her hands abandoned his for a moment as she wiped away angry tears and then rested on her stomach rubbing it slightly as she remember what it had felt to have a baby inside of her.

"I needed surgery to repair what was broke. He's why I can't have any more kids. I was too young, too small, too damaged and having him hurt me. I waited too long. When I woke up, that's when Arvin told me the baby died. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling some relief. I was thirteen years old, I wasn't supposed to have a baby. I spent the first week of its life believing that my selfishness and my stupidity had killed my child. Finally Arvin told me the truth. My baby had been adopted and that I didn't have to worry any longer. By having him, I ruined my chances of ever having another child. It was my fault. If I hadn't waited so long when I went into labour, I might have been able to prevent the damage. It's probably best this way anyway. I couldn't be a very good mother, either to Joshua or another child."

"Kat, that's not true-"

"Over time, you'd think I'd have given up, but I haven't." Kat interrupted him and leaned back against Weiss feeling very protected in his arms as she relived a horrible nightmare. "I think about him every day. I wonder what he looks like, sounds like, acts like, what he likes to do, what he likes to eat, his favourite colour, everything."

"It's not uncommon Kat, he's a part of you. You won't ever forget him. I think you'd be a really great mom." His hands moved up and rubbed her shoulders gently as he spoke. "I think your dad is right too. By moving on with your life, you're not forgetting him, but it will make remembering him less painful."

"I'm afraid of forgetting him," she admitted.

"I promise you won't." Weiss turned her around to face him. He used the pad of his thumb to wipe the residual tears from her cheeks. "I know you won't allow yourself to forget, but I'll make sure you remember anyway." He hugged her quickly threading her hair through his fingers. He pulled away smiling at her. "I have an idea."

"What?" She asked curiously.

"Write him a letter, two letters, three, as many as you want and tell him everything you want to. Tell him how much you love him. How much you care about him. Tell him the truth. Why you gave him up, how he came to be in this world. Tell him anything you want and maybe someday when he's grown up, he can read those letters and know how much you love him. What do you think?"

"I think that maybe I'd like to try." She smiled slowly as she thought more about Eric's suggestion. "I do want to be happy and my father is right. When I think about Joshua, I'm not happy, because I miss him and I've never even seen him. When I think about him, it's like I can't think about anything else. I feel like there is this hole inside me and I'm drowning or suffocating and I get angry and mean. I say things I don't mean. Do things I shouldn't. Hit people-" Gently she ran her fingers along his jawline grimacing slightly. "I'm sorry."

"No sweat." Weiss smiled as he pulled her hair back away her face. She was finally being honest with herself and that was the important thing. "I think you're making the right decision and I'll help you however I can."

"You always know what to do, or what to say. You know, you'd make a good head shrink," a smile played across her lips. "You could give Barnett a real run for her money."

He laughed. "Nah I just know you. I think I'll keep my psychiatric counselling to eighteen year olds who like to hit me."

"I am sorry." Her face blushed crimson red at the memory of the solid punch she'd landed squarely to his jaw fifteen minutes earlier.

"I was just teasing," he grinned although his jaw hurt like proper words could not describe. "Wait here a minute," he instructed.

She nodded and watched him walk away before turning back to the endless ocean. The warm breeze flitted through her hair and she lifted the mass of curls off her neck for some momentary relief from the heat. The night was black with a bright half moon and millions of stars decorating the heavens.

Somewhere out there
Beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of you
And loving you tonight

Weiss suddenly appeared over her shoulder pointing out at the open sky. "Look, make a wish."

Following his gaze she saw the falling star travelling across the blackened sky and closed her eyes making a wish. "The stars out here, are almost as bright as the lights in Manhattan," she said with a wistful smile. She did miss her home, and her life back in the city, but there was no way she'd ever trade her life now for it.

Turning around she saw Weiss smiling and holding something behind his back. To her surprise he produced a bright red balloon and handed her the string.

Somewhere out there
Someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another
In that big somewhere out there

"I'd like to think his favourite colour is red," she explained taking the string and winding it around her index finger.

"I know."

"Do you think—could I have a few minutes by myself?" she asked hesitantly.

"Of course. I'll wait for you at the bench." Bringing his hands up he tucked her hair behind her ears and framed her face. Her hands reached up covering his. His thumbs brushed away any remnants of tears from beneath her eyes. Leaning down his lips kissed both her cheeks and then her forehead. "It is good to have you home Kid."

She closed her eyes as he kissed her skin and opened them when he spoke. She watched him go. His voice was quiet, honest and gentle. It was the voice that lulled her to sleep after she woke screaming and the one who always told her that everything would be all right. He seemed to have a kind of faith in her that she could not find in herself.

He was right; it was the game they played. She didn't want to play that game anymore. She didn't want to hurt him anymore. Perhaps she took him for granted. He was always there, no matter what she'd done or said, he kept coming back for more. She didn't deserve a friend like him. But he was always there and she was determined to pay him back for it.

Holding tight to the balloon she walked the horizontal length of the pier trailing her fingertips across the worn railing and just thinking, about everything. She thought of the things she would tell Joshua. She'd have to be selective about what she told him. There were things that could not be explained in a letter. Even though he'd probably never read them, she'd write with the hope that some day he would.

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Holding the balloon in her right hand, she leaned against the railing and raised her hand towards the sky. "Happy Birthday Joshua," she whispered allowing the ribbon to thread through her fingers until it was free. She watched unblinking until the bright red balloon was a mere speck and disappeared from her view as it was caught in a breeze pulling out over the ocean.

She turned and walked over to the bench where Weiss sat, determined to have fun for the rest of the night. As she approached she saw he was talking to Will and their conversation ended abruptly as soon as she spotted.

"Hey," Will stood as she neared them. "Are you alright?"

She glanced quickly at Weiss before answering. "No." A smile passed her lips and she nodded at Weiss in a silent thank you. "But I will be." Taking their hands she pulled them away from the bench. "Come on, let's go have some fun."

Somewhere out there
If love can see us through
Then we'll be together
Somewhere out there
Out where dreams
Come true

Kat adjusted the strap of her sandal before sliding out of Will's car, already regretting that she'd chosen the navy blue ones with the heel. She hated heels. "Are you sure I'm not dressed alright for this show?" she asked taking note of Will's slightly less formal appearance as he slammed her car door shut. She glanced down at the dress, Sydney had insisted she buy her during one of their early shopping expeditions. It was a navy blue silk print with spaghetti straps and black ribbon crisscrossing the front and tying in the back. It ended mid calf and flattered her figure quite nicely. Her hair hung loose and curled with the side and front pieces twisted back and held by a clip.

"I'm positive," Will took her hand. "You look very pretty."

"I've just never been to a real show before," she explained.

"Seriously?" he was surprised having thought that she'd have been to many while living in the city. After thinking about it for a moment he wanted to kick himself. She may have been living in the city that never slept, but she'd started out on her own as a fifteen year old kid finishing high school three years early and working as a waitress barely earning enough money to cover her rent.

Kat looked up at the un-illumintaed sign on the building that read Francine's. "Is it weird being back here?" she asked seeing the slightly pained look on his face.

"Not weird, just difficult. I'm glad Amy is going to open it up again though. It's what Francie would have wanted."

"Are you sure she's here?" Kat eyed the barren parking lot and darkened restaurant.

"Yeah, I'm sure she's just parked around back. She said the front door would be open. I just need to drop off these papers and then we'll go to the show." Will tucked the file folder under his arm and pulled out the front door which was indeed unlocked as promised.

"Oww." Kat cried out as she banged her knee on a sturdy wood object. "Will, where's the light, I can't see anything?" she stretched her arms out in front of her searching for something to hold on to.

"SURPRISE!"

A/Nà

The song used was Somewhere Out There and I appologize I have no idea who the original lyricist for the song was. Also I can't remember if Francie's restaurant was ever given a name, so if I'm wrong, please let me know!
Feedback has been kinda slow lately so I might hold off on posting the next chapter for a little.

Review Replies
Alia-- Sorry there won't be a sydney/vaughn wedding in this fic but maybe the sequel!

Eyghon-- I'm happy you found my story and liked it so much. It's always exciting to get new readers when your on Chapter 50. I really enjoyed writing the chapter with Kat and Irina in St. Petersburg. It was fun to write because Kat was a total witch (with good reason mind you lol) I tried to e-mail you for the update for Illusion of Sin but your mail box was full so my e-mail was returned. I think if you use the add author to favorites function, you'll receive e-mails when I update. JJ???? Guess you'll have to keep reading!

Agent Flamingo-- You said you figured out what day it was and who Jack and Kat were talking about in the previous chapter, were you right?

Landi/Anna/Mbells thank you as always for reading!