Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER TWO

Harry woke up when an icy cold bucket of water was unceremoniously dumped all over him. He let loose a frightened shriek and leapt out of bed.

Lionel smiled happily holding his now empty bucket. "Morning, Harry. Sleep well?"

A shivering and timid Harry said "Wh-wh-why did you do that?"

Lionel shrugged and said, "Well your morning sail was flying at full mast and I thought I'd save you a bit of embarrassment while waking you and solving that problem at the same time."

Harry was rubbing up and down his arms for warmth. "Oh. Thank you, I guess." And seconds later Harry was grateful for Lionel's methods when a gorgeous young blonde came into the room carrying a baby.

"Good morning, Harry. Nice to see you dealt with your raging boner." She said with a smile. "Breakfast is ready, Daddy."

Harry was blushing and still acclimating to the openness of the Lovegoods.

Lionel exclaimed. "Wonderful! You hungry, Harry? Luna made her specialty: Pancakes with chocolate chips and peanut butter chips."

Harry nodded and thought that sounded real good. "Sounds great. Let me just change into dry clothes, and then I'll be right out."

Luna and Lionel both looked at him oddly before shaking their heads mournfully and going to the kitchen. Baby Luna gurgled out something that sounded like "moo."

Harry felt a little nervous trying to think what he just said that would warrant the looks he was given and came up with nothing. He was beginning to think he just wasn't logical enough for the Lovegoods but he was going to try and get better.

He arrived in the kitchen to the delicious aroma of melted peanut butter cups and pancakes. He was a bit surprised to see these were not the pancakes he was used too. But were actually two full pans, filled with batter and baked into large cakes with frosting. They were cutting them into slices and baby Luna was in a highchair clapping and cheering.

Harry asked if there was anything he could do to help.

Lionel responded. "Eat up, son. You're going to need your strength. We're going to begin our trip just after breakfast."

Harry was a big fan of 'cake for breakfast' and served himself a healthy slice. He saw two different jugs of milk on the table and was scared to drink from the wrong one. "So how are we getting there? And where are we going?"

Lionel frowned ever so slightly. "I know you're not a fan of them, but we've got an authorized international portkey to take us to the outskirts of the DFA Magical Forest in Sweden. We're beginning our search there."

Harry nodded and ate his cake, just waiting for either Luna or Lionel to drink milk from one of the jugs.

Lionel smiled and said "Luna tells me you have a nice wand and know how to use it?"

Harry swallowed his bite of cake and his mouth was drying up more and more. "Umm, yes sir. I'm fairly proficient at Defense."

"Excellent! Because as international travelers, things like Underage Laws will not affect us, and we may need to fight off the occasional blood-thirsty rampaging beast or two. I know Luna has perfected a violent and occasionally fatal non-clotting castration hex ever since she could lift a wand, and I'd rather you were able to take care of yourself as well."

Harry's mouth was beginning to itch it was so dry now. "No problem sir. I've had to take care of myself many times and should be just fine."

"What's with these sirs? Last night it was Lionel or Bald. Why are you so formal this morning?"

Harry looked at Luna, who was feeding baby Luna a bite of cake. "No offense sir, but that was before your daughter commented on my boner. And before you mentioned her violent castration skills as well, sir."

Lionel smiled. "I think I like you, lad. Milk's in the fridge if you wanted some to drink."

Harry smiled gratefully and got up and poured himself a glass. He asked the others if anyone else needed a beverage and received negative replies.

Harry began tentatively, "Umm, sir?"

"Please call me Lionel or something less formal."

"Okay Lionel, if the milk is in the fridge, what's in the two jugs?" Harry said pointing at the jugs on the table.

"Glue in this one and white paint in the other. You can tell a lot about a man through his glue and white paint preferences." Lionel happily explained.

Harry just nodded and confused himself by thinking that made sense.

As they were all finishing their cake, Luna asked, "Daddy, could you watch me for a bit? I was hoping to speak to Harry alone."

Lionel seemed to have an idea about what Luna was going to tell him and agreed. "Of course sweetie. Call me if you need anything."

Luna handed the baby to her father and grabbed Harry's hand. "Come, Harry. We have much to talk about."

Harry was quite confused and followed her back to her own room. "Sure Luna. So, umm, what's up?"

Luna sat on the edge of her bed while Harry pulled the chair away from her desk and sat facing her.

"My father told you about when I ate the time turner as a baby."

Harry nodded.

"And that's why I'm here and going with us on the trip."

Harry nodded.

"What you don't know though, is that the time turner is a big reason for why I am the way I am."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Luna looked up at Harry with wide open and honest eyes. "It affected me. That magical an object mingling with so young a magical person has effects on their development."

Harry nodded indicating he understood.

"And I'm pretty sure, that it's because of that, that I get impressions of the past and future." Luna explained with her head turned down now.

Harry's eyes were wide. "You get visions?"

Luna shook her head. "Not really visions. Just general feelings and ideas that are stronger than instinct but I trust as much as my instincts. I'm not sure why, but they're never for the present time. Sometimes it's of moments or minutes or hours past, and other times it's of the near future."

Harry had a sad smile. "I think I can understand you better than most. Voldie's been sending me visions for a while now. Well, he was until we went…you know, there."

Luna smiled. "I know you can empathize with me. And I want you to know I can empathize with you too. I was nine when my mom died. It's not the same for you and Sirius but it's enough to empathize with."

Harry got a little teary-eyed. "I miss him a lot. But he'd kick my arse for moping. It doesn't exactly work to force yourself to be happy."

"I know what you mean. Your feelings are beyond your control. But before we went I just wanted you to know part of why I am the way I am. And I wanted you to trust me. Sometimes I may have an impression of the future and it does not pay to dally and argue about them." Luna explained.

Harry smiled. "If you say so, I'll trust you."

Luna smiled brightly. "Excellent. Now I can tell you have some questions you've been reluctant to ask me. So go ahead."

Harry exhaled with a bit of relief. "You're nursing yourself! That seems so impossible. And kinky! Why? How? What's it like?"

Luna looked thoughtful. "I need it. I knew I had been breastfed for almost all of my infancy and I was the only working pair of milkalicious boobs around to offer. I insisted, once I realized I was here. Daddy supports me."

Harry was just getting more intrigued by this situation the more he heard about it.

Luna interrupted him before he could ask anything else and said, "As for your next question, the answer is: It varies, but for this first time I'm more than happy to swallow."

Harry was a bit confused what she was talking about until she dropped to her knees and her hands made it quite clear what she was talking about. Harry was going to correct her when he very quickly realized that now that was in fact the next question he was going to ask. Good lord that should have been his first question.

Before he could even pose his next question, Luna came up for breath and assured him that this was Luna and the baby's room, hence the silencing charms still up from the night before.

Harry wondered what he did to deserve this when his pleasure reached a crescendo and he embarrassingly passed out.

Lionel cast an Ennervate on the unconscious young man. He didn't know exactly what his daughter had told him, but it certainly seems to have sufficiently surprised the young man.

Harry slowly returned to consciousness and was shaking the cobwebs from his mind. He had yet to open his eyes even. He was trying to remember what happened when it all came back to him. Harry began giggling he was smiling so much. He felt like Hagrid had just told him that magic was real. The experience he had just had was absolutely incredible and no mere adjectives could describe the wonders he had felt.

His elation quickly left him when he opened his eyes and saw a very curious Lionel Lovegood watching the emotions on his face. Harry blanched frightfully. Luna was behind her father, swishing a large mouth full of liquid in between both of her cheeks. Harry seemed even paler and despite the fear on his frozen face and sealed shut mouth, an 'eep' was heard coming from the region of Harry's throat and upper abdomen. He gulped and remained impassive. Luna was now gargling the liquid in her mouth quite loudly while Lionel just kept watching Harry come up with new shades between soft yogurt colored pink and sheet white.

Lionel broke the silence. "Luna mentioned she wanted to brush her teeth before we go. Please use any facilities you may need as I do not want to set up camp until nightfall."

Harry jumped at the opportunity to be away from a father's gaze.

A few minutes later, they were all packed up and ready to go. Harry had two large baby product filled bags and his trunk in his hands. Lionel had some hunting and camping gear. Luna was holding the quietly gurgling baby Luna. The portkey activated and they all reappeared behind a large rock just a few feet from some park trail.

Harry was trying to carry everything and keep up with the Lovegoods, but he was having trouble with two oversized bags and his trunk. Harry felt a bit sheepish when he saw Lionel was no longer carrying anything and Luna just had some sort of sling on and both hands free, with the baby sleeping draped across her belly. Harry caught on, shrunk the things he was carrying, slipped them into his pocket, and caught up with the Lovegoods.

"Sorry bout that. Forget I'm a wizard sometimes."

Lionel waved him off. "It's okay. I forget to breathe at least twice a day, myself."

Luna extended an arm. "Come, Harry. I won't reward you if you dawdle all day."

Harry snapped into action and was more than willing to follow any of her orders without question. Lionel was a bit curious at the control his daughter seemed to have over the young man.

The three were walking deeper into the forest while baby Luna slept quietly surrounded by a small silencing charm so they wouldn't wake her.

"So, umm, Lionel. What are we hoping to see? I mean are we looking for tracks? Or trails left by them? Signs of their droppings maybe or rumored nesting locations?"

Lionel didn't even pause in his strides. "If you see anything like those, please tell me. But there is very little known about the Snorkack. I'm not sure we would recognize tracks or trails or droppings." He paused for a second and added "Or Snorkacks."

Luna smiled at Harry whenever she caught him looking at her.

"So why did you choose this forest to look for them? And what is this forest anyway?"

Lionel replied. "Luna thought this sounded like as good a place as any to start. And this is the DFA Magical Forest."

Luna whispered to Harry. "I always wanted to see Sweden."

"DFA? Does that stand for anything?"

Lionel considered and said. "Good question. And yes it does. It is the Death From Above Magical Forest. But I'm sure they don't really mean that."

Harry sighed. He briefly wondered if there would be truth in Lionel's statement. Harry really felt most people would be able to enjoy this forest for what it is and never worry about things like aerial attacks on their lives. Not two seconds later a bird crapped in his hair just to remind him that he was still Harry Potter.

Luna explained, "Harry. You have bird crap in your hair."

Harry shrugged. "Yes. I do. And it's fresh."

"Aren't you going to clean it out?"

Harry scoffed. "And invite them to crap in it again? Oh no. I won't fall for their tricks."

Lionel said, "Now you're just being silly, Harry." And cast a cleaning charm on the small present in Harry's hair.

Harry shrugged and didn't really mean it when he said, "Thanks."

Two seconds later, Harry looked up and dove to the side pulling Luna on top of him. A giant steaming pile of excrement landed with a loud splat where Harry had been standing. It may have been enough to drown the poor boy if he had caught a direct hit.

"Oh dear" Lionel said slightly apologetically. He quickly cast a bird crap charm in Harry's hair.

Harry frowned a bit and helped the two Luna's up. Baby Luna was now awake having been sufficiently jostled. She cried out loud for no other reason than to upset Harry. At least as far as Harry could figure.

Harry looked up and asked, "Are there dragons in this forest? Or giant eagles?"

Lionel shook his head. "Not to my knowledge."

Harry looked at his near death experience. "Some thestral got some seriously rotten meat then." Quiet snickering could be heard from the tree tops.

Luna calmed baby Luna down and gave her a bottle. Baby Luna took great pleasure in throwing the bottle at Harry and refusing the poor substitute. Harry certainly couldn't blame baby Luna on her attitude. When compared to Luna's breasts, a bottle is just plain insulting. Luna gave in, and lifted the flap covering her right breast's nipple. Baby Luna lunged for it and seemed contented with the juice fresh from the keg rather than a pale imitation in a bottle.

Harry quickly took a few steps in front of Luna and walked ahead of her refusing to look back.

Lionel was enjoying the little playful tortures the young man provided. "Harry?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Back to sir again?"

"Sorry, Lionel."

"Do my daughter's breasts bother you, Harry?"

"Before I answer, Lionel. Are you asking me this to make me feel uncomfortable?"

"More for my own amusement, but your discomfort is a welcome side effect, yes."

"Thank you for being honest, Lionel. I will do the same. They do not bother me on their own. But in conjunction with your presence, that is two competing forces that my brain cannot deal with at a single moment in time. When you're not around, her breasts provide me with untold amounts of pleasure. But in your presence, Lionel, they provide me with anxiety to the point of panic attacks. Did that make sense?"

"Yes, Harry, it did. And you're ruining my fun now."

"Sorry, Lionel. In that case I won't mention any of my personal reactions to her vagina then."

Lionel felt he was losing what little control on this conversation he had to begin with. "I appreciate that, Harry."

Luna added in "Can I still tell you my vagina's reactions to Harry, Daddy?"

He smiled weakly at his daughter. "Of course, sweetie. You can tell me anything."

"Thank you Daddy. Because wet and tingly are just about all I-"

Lionel did not think he would appreciate the young man overhearing this conversation. He subtly sent a small bit of magic out his wand and into baby Luna, who in turn bit down hard.

"Oww! Stupid me! My tits aren't chew toys!" a surprisingly irate Luna exclaimed to her other self.

The young man leading them whimpered a bit like a dog that just lost his favorite chew toy. Lionel pretended not to notice.

Luna was still a bit angry. "Why must I be teething while I'm still breastfeeding myself?"

Harry briefly wondered if anyone since the dawn of time had ever even thought that sentence before and doubted it.

Lionel said, "You've no one to blame but yourself," while Harry added, "It's not your fault."

Luna relaxed. "You're right." Both Harry and Lionel smiled and knew they were right.

"It's just ever since you showed up, Harry, my nipples have been hypersensitive." Luna explained.

Harry suggested, "Have you tried a numbing charm? It's not really a solution but you won't feel the biting at least."

Luna shook her head. "Won't work. We've tried. I refuse to drink from a numbed nipple."

Lionel added, "Which may be a bit bothersome now, but is still a good habit for all of us to have."

Luna halted them. "Actually, let's hold up for a second. I can smell that I'm about to crap." Harry stopped and turned around and saw all three people staring at him. It was a bit disconcerting seeing a baby with wide eyes watching him intently. Particularly with the corner of its mouth wrapped around a nipple.

"Here, Harry, could you hold the baby for a second?" Luna said as she extricated her breast from her baby mouth.

"Umm, me? Are you sure that's…I mean I've never…I don't, I don't even know how to hold a baby." Harry stammered out.

Luna handed him baby Luna and quickly took off the path and into the bushes several yards away. On her way she yelled out, "You got to see my breast, it's the least you can do."

Harry was holding the baby like a diseased piece of wood away from his body. Baby Luna just stared at him curiously. She was surprisingly quiet, but that certainly didn't make Harry any more confident. Harry was watching her intently and saw the baby smiling at him. Harry began to think this wasn't so bad when Lionel stepped up behind him and said "Harry."

This startled Harry significantly at which point he jumped, and whipped around drawing his wand on the threat behind him. When he realized who it was, he began apologizing profusely. "I am so sorry, Lionel. Oh my god! The baby!" Harry looked down at the ground behind him and saw baby Luna was quite dirty and certainly not smiling at Harry anymore.

Harry quickly picked her up and began brushing off bits of dust and bark. He tried to calm the baby and was quietly whispering apologies and begging her to not cry. If he were more experienced with babies, Harry might have noticed she wasn't in fact crying and was just staring at Harry a bit coldly.

"I was hoping we could make it through a day without you dropping my daughter on her head, but I see it was a vain hope." Lionel said quietly. "For both of our sakes, let's not mention this to Luna."

Harry nodded fearfully and was holding baby Luna quite a bit closer now. Baby Luna took advantage of this and bit Harry through his shirt right on his nipple. "Oww!" Harry exclaimed and saw the baby was smiling innocently now.

Luna came back, "Are you okay, Harry? I thought I heard you scream."

Harry smiled nervously. "Fine. Just fine. No worries. Hehe."

Lionel wanted to progress more and asked, "Are we all set to go now?"

Harry asked. "Umm, don't we need to change baby Luna's diaper? I thought you said you were about to crap?"

Luna looked at Harry oddly. "Yes I was about to. That's why I went into the bushes. Did I soil my diaper while I was over there?"

Harry was still getting used to the Lovegoods. "Oh sorry. I misunderstood you. No. I don't think baby Luna has, but I can't-"

Baby Luna still smiling innocently in Harry's arms interrupted him by sticking out her tongue and saying "Pbbthpt!"

Apparently this was a signal Harry was unaware of, and he was surprised to feel her diaper get warmer and fuller. "I think I spoke too soon." Harry finished.

And thus began Harry's first lesson in learning how to change a diaper. Aside from his one exclamation of "Oh dear Lord, she must have lost at least 5 pounds!" Harry found it to be quite informative and disgusting. Harry convinced them it was in his best interests to just study the theory of diaper-changing at first, and perhaps observe it a few more times before moving on to any attempts at the practical applications of his developing skill. Lionel seemed delighted by the entire sequence and seemed to have plans for the impressive bowel movement. A few wipes and some cleaning and they were back on the move deeper into the DFA Magical Forest.

They continued their trek into the heart of the forest for a few more hours. Baby Luna slept for the majority of it, though Harry was both disconcerted and delighted when she needed to feed again. The sun had set and the forest growth was thick. They had very little light now and Lionel elected to set up camp. Harry used his wand to clear off the loose brush and provide them with a smooth level surface to pitch their magical tent. Lionel pulled out a particularly scary looking bust of a caricature of someone's head. He set it on the ground and gave the tongue that was hanging out a firm pull. The tent popped and expanded into what appeared from the outside to be a simple 2-3 person tent. Inside was a complete small cottage with a living room, small kitchen, and a single bedroom with an accompanying bathroom. Harry was expecting this but it still amazed him a bit.

"Lionel, will it be okay if I set up a campfire?" Harry asked.

"Should be fine. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I just wanted to make sure we wouldn't attract anything dangerous with a fire. Whenever I imagined going camping it always included a campfire at night to keep warm and cook marshmallows or hot dogs around."

Lionel nodded. "Well we've got some marshmallows I know, but we don't have any dogs. And even if we did, it'd probably be a pet and something we would frown upon you cooking."

Harry thought about explaining hot dogs to him but realized he wasn't all that sure just what sort of meat actually went into one.

Luna smiled. "Oooh! We can huddle around the fire and tell bloody visceral googamooga stories!"

Harry asked, "Those anything similar to muggle ghost stories?"

"Almost identical," Luna explained. "Except there aren't any muggle ghosts, and there's usually a lot of painful tearing of flesh."

Harry smiled. "I think I'd like to hear one of those."

Lionel had the fed and content baby Luna and took her into the bedroom to put her to sleep. Harry used his wand and assembled a small circle of rocks around an area. When Luna didn't know any good hole digging spells, Harry just decided to juice up a Reducto and cast it into the ground. The explosion that followed uprooted a few trees and cleared a good ten foot deep, thirty foot wide crater.

Lionel had just changed baby Luna into her jammies and was holding up his adorable and precious baby daughter. He was unprepared for the explosion or the resultant shock wave. And for the second time, on just the first day of their trip, baby Luna was dropped on her head.

"What in the bloody blue blazes happened? Are you two alright?" Lionel came out carrying the crying baby Luna.

"Yes Daddy. We're fine. Harry's just having some minor control issues." Luna explained.

Harry was still a bit scared and embarrassed and just nodded to Lionel.

Lionel was holding the quietly crying baby and was giving his daughter the evil eye.

Unsurprisingly this didn't have the slightest effect on Luna. "I haven't even taken any of my breasts out." Luna explained. "Yet."

Harry couldn't stop a smile from blossoming.

Lionel quirked his lips for a bit and just said, "Be careful you two. I'm going to try and put baby Luna down again. Please, let's leave all further major excavations for the morning."

Harry had a very serious face and was still nodding at Lionel.

Harry levitated a large chunk of rock out of where it landed after the blast. He decided to use the indentation it made for a fire pit rather than try casting at the ground again.

Luna thanked Harry for rocking her world.

What seemed like mere minutes later, the pair was sitting next to each other watching the flames of their campfire flicker under a dark sky filled with stars.

Luna finally broke the pleasant silence that had descended between the two teens. "Do you think anal sex hurts the first time?"

Harry sent a silent prayer to whoever was responsible for Luna's incredible conversation skills. "Can't say that I've ever tried it, but I would expect it's one of those pains you get used to."

Luna seemed to be considering the prospect. And Harry was ready to swear he could feel her clenching and unclenching her adorable little bottom.

"Wait…is this some sort of lead-in to a googamooga story? Because I don't think I want to hear about that sort of painful tearing of flesh."

Luna looked over at her silly friend. "Don't be ridiculous, Harry. Googamooga's don't have anuses."

Harry was watching Luna. She seemed more open and honest than usual. He smiled and asked, "What exactly is a googamooga?"

Luna resumed her usual slightly glazed over look. "You mean you don't know?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you do either."

Luna looked intently at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Harry challenged her. "It means you're still trying to make up something for a googamooga."

Luna looked a bit sad and turned her head to the sky. "I'm used to no one believing me."

Harry didn't mean to hurt her feelings. "I never said I didn't believe you."

Luna showed a slight bit of frustration. "You said I was making something up."

Harry smiled. "True. But that doesn't necessitate disbelief."

Luna frowned in confusion.

"How am I to know if you tell me googamooga are anusless small mammals that feast on the soft tissue of earlobes. You're a brilliant witch. You've already traveled 15 years through time. You could create googamoogas and send them back to the past, even if you haven't ever actually seen or made one yet. You're still making it up. And still I believe you."

Luna couldn't stop a blush and smile no matter how much she tried to fight it.

"Luna, in case you haven't noticed, with some of the pretty fantastical things you've told me about, I always believe you unless I have a specific reason not to."

Luna leaned over and rested her head on Harry's shoulder.

"I mean like the idea of Fudge commanding a heliotrope army? I'm sorry, Luna, but I have way too much respect for heliopaths to honestly believe they would follow a goblin-pie baking buffoon of a man like Fudge."

Luna giggled happily and just sat there watching the fire.

The two teens heard a quiet click, a sigh, and a mumbled "Dammit."

Lionel had just finished putting the baby to sleep and quietly walked towards the door of the tent. He saw Harry sitting quite close to his daughter and they were both just silent. He could see Luna working up the courage to speak and was a bit startled at her conversation opener. As soon as he spotted the smile on Harry's face he summoned one of his hunting rifles and made sure it was loaded. He wasn't about to let anyone hurt his pride and joy and he was waiting for his opportunity. He saw his daughter get upset and the young man seemed to be smiling while he was hurting her feelings. He had lined up the young man in his sights, which wasn't too difficult considering he was barely 15 feet away. Unfortunately, Harry turned out to be a very good friend and he saw the joy his daughter was exuberating. Harry cracked a joke and further showed his knowledge of the Lovegoods and The Quibbler. When he saw his daughter's contentment and heard her giggling, he knew he couldn't hurt the young man.

He clicked the safety back on his rifle, sighed loudly, and muttered "Dammit!"

Lionel walked out to join the two teens around the fire. "How are you kids holding up?"

Harry was briefly startled and tried to lean away from Luna. Luna just grabbed onto Harry and wouldn't let him slink away. "We're doing great, Daddy. How are you?"

"I'm doing good, sweetheart. You're sleeping soundly now, but I've got an inverted silencing charm and mild Sonorus surrounding baby Luna at the moment. How bout you, Harry?"

Harry smiled. "Just fine, Lionel. I was thinking about roasting a marshmallow or two. You guys interested?"

Luna smiled brightly. "I've never roasted one before! Do they scream?"

Harry considered. "Pretty sure they don't but I never paid that close attention to it."

Lionel was watching his daughter and thinking. He eventually said, "I think I'll leave the marshmallow murders to you two. I'll keep an eye on baby Luna, and have a night in. Harry, would you come with me for a second and I'll give you guys a pair of dinners. That sound good?"

Luna ran up to her father, kissed him on the cheek, and hugged him. "Thank you, Daddy."

Lionel walked back into the tent and Harry followed after him. Harry asked, "You sure you don't want to join us, Lionel? I bet you'll like the marshmallows."

Lionel looked over at Harry. "Harry, did you know the most important thing to a father is his daughter's happiness?"

Harry gulped. "I'd imagined so, sir. But I haven't had much positive family experience to back that up."

Lionel sighed. "No I suppose you haven't. You've had all three parental figures in your life die for you."

Harry looked away.

"But I just want you to be aware, and I'm sure that this goes for your parents and godfather too, that most parents would also kill for their children."

Harry looked Lionel straight in the eye now. "I'm not sure what is going on between me and Luna, but first and foremost she is my friend. And I would die for my friends."

Lionel sighed. He had a resigned look on his face. After ten seconds of silence he burst out, "Oh what a bunch of malarkey!"

Harry was confused. "Pardon me, sir?"

"You take the fun out of being an overprotective father, Harry." Lionel explained.

"Sorry 'bout that, sir."

"Bah! Here take a couple sandwich dinners. Marshmallows are in the far right cabinet. In between the cotton balls and the condoms full of cocaine. Help yourself. Tell Luna I expect her to sleep in the bedroom. And tell her I love her. Good night, Harry."

"Good night, Lionel." Harry responded and walked back outside with a couple of sack lunches and a bag of marshmallows.

"Alright, Harry?" Luna asked.

"Peachy, Luna. Though I'm supposed to tell you I love her." Harry responded.

Luna paused and asked. "Who's 'her'?"

Harry shook his head. "Dunno. Your father told me to tell you I love her."

Luna furrowed her brow.

"Oh and also, I expect her to sleep in the bedroom."

"Well it doesn't sound like baby Luna." Luna thought for a moment. "I'm all for Daddy dating again, but I wish he would tell me her name."

Harry just shook his head unsure about Lionel. He handed Luna a sack lunch for dinner and said "Here, let's eat first, and then stuff ourselves with marshmallows for dessert."

The pair polished off their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bags of crisps. Now Harry was teaching Luna all about roasting marshmallows. The young friends took turns stabbing marshmallows to death and then burning their delicious creamy corpses. Naturally, they'd let them catch fire, and then blow them out so they'd have a bubbly brown thin crisp coating, but not quite blackened. Only once did Harry forget to blow his out before eating it. But then again that's exactly the sort of mistake that you learn from.

He then attempted to cast a charm to grow back his roasted eyebrows. And again, he learned from his mistake when his eyebrows hung down to his chin. They talked amicably about nothing of importance. Seemingly neither wanted to address the developing tension between them and their own burgeoning relationship. And neither noticed any of the animals that had been attracted to the fire and the roughhousing the two young adults were doing. So of course they didn't notice the Swedish magical Forest Ranger. Nor could they possibly have known that he was reporting to far more than just his position's superior.

The two smitten and happy young adults yawned simultaneously and decided to call it a night. Harry was taking the couch in the living room, while Luna went into the bedroom where her father and baby other self were sleeping. She was mildly disappointed to see no female love interest for her father, but decided he would talk about it when he felt up to it. She had some plans for the morning, but right now fell into a blissful sleep watching the baby drooling everywhere.

Deep in the heart of an evil castle, a proud young hatemonger ran up to his Master. "My Lord! I have news for you!"

The Dark Lord looked down at the young man before him. "This better be good. You're holding up a muggle screaming contest."

"Of course, My Lord. I just thought you would like to know that Potter is away from the muggle-loving fool. He appears to be camping with his blonde girlfriend. And I think they were alone."

"Dumbledore isn't guarding his little golden boy? This is curious…" Voldemort pondered. "And a blonde girlfriend? The Lovegood girl from the Ministry last month?"

"I do not know, Master. I have a friend who works as a Forest Ranger who just happened to have spotted him in the DFA Magical Forest." The scared young man explained fearfully.

"This news pleases me. You have done well. You may stay for the contest if you wish." The Dark Lord calmly replied. "Bella! Bring on the contestants!"

"Thank you, My Lord and Master, you sexy beast, you! First off, from Australia, we have Stan! Everyone give Stan a round of applause!" Bella bellowed. She took her wand and quietly cast 'Accio nuts' and a scared young Stan was forcefully pulled in a particularly painful manner into a circle of cheering and laughing Death Eaters. "Our next contestant, from the good old U. S. of A., we have Randy! Randy, come on down." An intentionally miscast Wingardium Leviosa shot Randy twenty feet into the air before he landed with a painful loud splat right next to Stan.

Many observed the Dark Lord smiling and politely clapping along.

Bella continued, "Our final muggle toy of the night comes from right here in the Great land of Britian. His name is Ed. Ed, get your arse down here!" Ed having seen what happened to Randy and Stan quickly waddled over to the two others before anything propelled him through the air. Considering he was tied up in ropes, it was a mildly impressive feat.

The Dark Lord stood up and everyone quieted. "I want to see some nice, clean muggle torture. Round 1 is limited to mild pain at most. Round 2, you can extol as much pain as you like, but try to leave no lasting marks. Round 3, of course, anything goes."

Bella was paying close attention and smiling. She stuck her hand in the air and was waiting to be called on.

"Yes, Bella?" the Dark Lord asked.

"What about Severus?"

"Ah yes, Severus. Well, Severus, I restricted Round 1 to mild pain, so you may not take off your pants until at least Round 2." The Dark Lord clarified.

Bella was muttering about unfair advantages.

"If there are no more interruptions…" the Dark Lord said with an angry snarl.

Peter Pettigrew said, "Excuse me, Master, but-"

The Dark Lord just rolled his eyes and cast a Cruciatus at the idiotic sniveling worm who quickly fell to the floor screaming in pain.

"You really do seem to get stupider with age, don't you, Peter? As I was saying, tonight's secret ingredient is: Rusty razor blades!" Voldemort exclaimed with glee. He whipped a sheet off a giant cauldron revealing it full of old used razor blades. Voldemort smiled evilly a bit, took out a softly boiled baby head and bit a healthy chunk out of it. After swallowing and smiling he exclaimed, "Let's get it on!"

Needless to say, when Round 2 rolled around and the pants came off, Severus managed to scare two of the three muggles to death immediately, and was the undisputed winner with their withering death knells.