Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

CHAPTER FIVE

With the grace and poise of a seasoned veteran of portkey travel, Harry managed to roll with his fall and save his tailbone a bruise. He looked over and saw Lionel, Luna, and Luna all smiling at his typically impressive landing. Harry looked around where they ended up, and it was a clear sunny day, the air was perfect, and thick with magic. This forest was not nearly so dense, and lacked the scary ominous feeling of the DFA Magical Forest.

"Where are we?" Harry asked Lionel.

Lionel was looking all around. "Damned if I know. This was supposed to be a portkey to the Enchanting Forest, but this isn't it. This is definitely a magical forest, but I don't even recognize the trees. And those mushrooms are humongous."

Luna was carrying baby Luna and thought aloud, "Maybe the Snorkacks are trying to bring us to them."

Harry didn't put much faith in that possibility but felt no need to voice this. "Are you guys feeling okay? Should we just set up camp and let you rest?"

Lionel shrugged. "I'm ready to hike for a ways, see what we can find. Luna?"

Luna nodded. "Sounds good to me. I think we should head that way." She finished pointing in the direction of the largest collection of trees.

"Is this a sort of premonition thing?" Harry asked. "Gut telling you something's that way?"

Luna shook her head. "No. I just don't feel like walking towards the sun. It's pretty warm out here."

Harry nodded and realized he had no reason to choose any other direction. "Here," Harry said. "This will help." And he cast a cooling charm around Luna.

Luna shivered at the brisk drop in temperature, and baby Luna took the opportunity to go for the now protruding nipple near her mouth. "Oww!" the unprepared grown-up Luna yelled. "You did that on purpose."

Harry confusedly looked at Lionel and back at Luna. "Yes I did. You'd just complained about the heat, and me casting a cooling charm in your direction would be a pretty amazing coincidence if I hadn't done it on purpose."

Luna nodded as she lifted a nipple flap on her shirt. "True."

"That shirt is incredible." Harry commented still in awe at the myriad of ways people can make boobs more accessible.

Lionel frowned. "Stop your drooling, young man."

Harry snapped out of his stupor and shook his head. "Sorry." Harry shyly mumbled. "It's just… not something I'm used to."

Luna smiled while baby Luna drank greedily. "That's okay Harry. I find it flattering that my milky white heaving breasts can give you a boner so quickly."

Harry vehemently denied any such accusations, but wanted no part of a discussion, with her father present, that was teetering on the edge of dirty talk for Harry. Harry weakly suggested, "Why don't I lead for a bit, and you two can take it up the rear?"

"Excuse me?" Lionel asked with a raised eyebrow, while at the same time Luna responded, "Okay."

Harry looked away. "I just thought, sir, it would be less distracting for you and me, if I were to be facing forward away from any alleged heaving while you two followed my behind."

"Sounds good to me," Luna replied, while her father frowned again. Lionel ordered, "You lead, we'll follow. And no more ass discussion."

"Oh poo," Luna pouted.

"Honey," Lionel warned. "What did I just say?"

Luna frowned, before quietly ending "…crap."

Lionel looked at his daughter and her baby self and narrowed his eyes a bit. Grown-up Luna smiled happily back at him.

The slightly grumpy quartet continued walking, occasionally remembering the large Death Eater force that had been slaughtered earlier, but mainly observing this strangely familiar forest. Everything seemed so exact, and crisp it had to be the magic.

Within twenty minutes baby Luna was sleeping peacefully and grown-up Luna's breast flap was snapped shut. Harry was dearly tempted to ask if they made underwear with snap flaps like those, but was unsure how that question would be received.

Shortly thereafter, with no warning from any of Harry's senses, a very high-pitched voice called out, "Halt!"

They all stopped and looked around for the source of the voice. They could see nobody. Lionel asked, "Is someone there?"

And from behind a bush, out came what was unmistakably an elf like they'd never seen before. "My name is Legolas. Now what are you doing in the Enchanted Forest?"

Voldemort heard the accounts from the four survivors of the last attack on Potter. What they told him was not good news. Normally, he would be furious with rage and cursing anyone and everyone for any reason he could find. But at the moment, he was calm, collected, and considering the next step. Like any good commander, he swiftly and emotionlessly killed the only survivors. Their story was not one he particularly wanted repeated.

"Severus!" the Dark Lord called out. "Did I ever tell you, you're my number one guy?"

Severus face stayed blank. "Lucius and Bellatrix got killed?"

Voldemort grinned sheepishly. "Certainly looks that way."

Severus shrugged. "Shame."

Voldemort agreed. "Pity."

"Terrible tragedy."

"Enh… I won't miss them any."

Severus smiled a little. "Who would?"

Voldemort shook his head at his Potions Master's indifference. He reached and out grabbed Snape's arm and fed his magic into Snape's Dark Mark sending out the call for an immediate meeting. If you don't mind the other man's screaming, this was an extremely useful and effective piece of magic.

As soon as everyone who was coming had appeared, Voldemort stood up. "My loyal Death Eaters, disloyal spies in the Death Eaters, and all the rest of you namby-pambies who are just here because you're scared, thank you for coming. There are factors beyond our control changing and we are going to change with them. I trust most of you know the first attack on Potter led by Nott, failed miserably. After this attack, I received a communiqué from my new War Advisor. He indicated that I should not pursue a further attack on Potter this summer and presented me with some legitimate arguments why not to. I ignored his advice and now the second attack has failed miserably as well. I'm sorry to say everyone on that mission individually failed miserably by letting themselves get killed."

More than a few gasps were heard as it became apparent that all the people missing from this meeting were dead, including Bellatrix and Lucius.

"It was a mistake ignoring good advice, and it is not one I will make again. Until at least September all attacks and hostile missions are suspended. Until then, you are to review all your plans and missions and identify ways they could fail. The security around Potter becomes wasteful when we don't attack him. It will be the last thing they suspect. A complete ceasefire will just leave them all on edge, and the anxiety of not knowing when the next attack will come will further our cause just as much as actually attacking would. But without any risk to us."

Voldemort paused and surveyed all those present. "I will no longer tolerate failure. And by this autumn, the wizarding world will either have relaxed so much as to make attacking that much easier, or they will be so on edge that they will be incapable of confronting their fears or fighting back." Voldemort was punctuating his statements with lots of fist clenching and hissing of words.

"Prove yourselves worthy of being Death Eaters, and stop all attacks!" Voldemort finished and thrust his hands in the air in victory.

The crowd of marked followers all threw their hands up and cheered though they occasionally looked at each other wondering why they were cheering or when they should stop.

Severus stood when Albus asked him for his report. He sneered at all the pitying looks he always received. "I have some very distressing news." Snape paused just to be an asshole. "It appears the Dark Lord has a new War Advisor. No one knows who it is. Other than it is some exceptionally well informed Slytherin mastermind."

Albus frowned. "He's taking advice from outside council? Who could it be?"

Severus frowned and explained. "The Dark Lord has long been unreachable through magical methods of communication. I doubt anyone here could locate or communicate with him, but this person did. And it was a standard post owl that merely delivered a letter. The letter was warning him not to attack Potter again."

"What? Harry's in trouble?" Molly Weasley exploded.

"What do you mean 'again'?" asked Tonks.

"That's just it. No one else other than those involved even knew of the first attack." Severus snarled.

Albus was shaking his head. "I knew leaving the blood protection was a bad idea. Well, obviously Mr. Potter survived if there was a warning not to attack again. What happened in each of these attacks?"

Severus winced. "In the first attack, Nott and Mulciber were leading four younger Death Eaters. Exactly what happened, no one is sure. All six are now dead, and from what I'm told Nott's nose was smashed up into his brain and Mulciber was stabbed through the heart with the snapped pieces of his own wand. Disregarding the advice he received, the Dark Lord ordered a second attack and sent off Bellatrix and Lucius with another twenty-three Death Eaters." Severus paused again, just to remind everyone he wasn't worthy of their respect. "It is my belief that they are all dead as well. I'm almost completely certain Bellatrix and Lucius are both dead."

"What!" Remus exclaimed, half excited to hear Bellatrix is dead, and half angry that he didn't get to help.

"Who could be so strong?" Minerva inquired.

"Nice work," Moody quietly mumbled.

Albus frowned at Mad-Eye. "Why are so sure they're dead?"

Severus smirked, "Because he called me his number one guy."

"What are we dealing with here, Albus?" Arthur asked. "Is this some rogue group shadowing and providing Harry security? Or even just one really strong wizard?"

Albus shook his head and frowned. "I do not know. Severus, is there anything else you know about these attacks? Was Harry involved?"

Severus frowned at the reminder of a Potter. "I sincerely doubt Potter would be able to stand up to a competent Death Eater, let alone over thirty of them."

Moody snorted. "Right. Because the Department of Mysteries with a dozen of them, nearly all inner circle, against six school kids was really all the work of Longbottom." Moody chuckled. "Or maybe it was Lovegood. And now on her vacation, she's taken up the habit of slaughtering rabid beasts, particularly those with ugly skull and snake tattoos."

Moody shook his head. "Nah, if Albus didn't have any extra tail or security…" Moody looked towards Albus for confirmation.

Albus was still frowning and shaking his head.

"Then I'd bet galleons to gobstones, that those idiots just pissed off Potter." Mad-Eye chuckled in fond remembrance. "I haven't seen pent up rage like that in a long time. If he found something worth fighting for, I bet he could focus that anger real well."

"You cannot honestly believe Potter is capable of defeating those forces?" Severus incredulously snapped back.

"You saw how pissed he was at Albus." Moody reminded.

"I remember a childish tantrum or two." Severus corrected.

"He was glowing and floating and sounded like an angry vengeful god." Kingsley pointed out.

Remus smiled. "I seem to recall Severus, that you were extremely eager to leave that evening."

Severus frowned before sarcastically replying, "Oh yes, I'd rather stick around and talk about the Boy-Who-Lived-For-Attention."

Tonks suggested, "You know someone has already killed thirty some odd Death Eaters from the sound of it. Be a shame if there were more."

Severus just growled.

"Enough!" Albus yelled. "Now is not the time to bicker like children."

Remus bit his tongue wanting to ask when the time to bicker was but couldn't contain his chuckle when he heard Severus muttering to himself. "I'm not a child. You're a child, you big baby. Biggest baby I've ever met, you big baby."

Mad-Eye asked Kingsley, "You were there the night Potter left his relatives. You think it's possible he's just defended himself from these attacks?"

Kingsley thought about it and replied, "Were it anyone else short of Albus, I'd say no immediately. And his attitude when I saw him last, leaves me doubtful. But given the nature of his expedition, I'd say it's highly likely he found something worth fighting for and we shouldn't rule it out as a possibility."

"What do you mean 'found something worth fighting for'? Why would he need to find something?" Molly asked.

Tonks explained, "Harry was upset, frustrated, and seems to deal with his grief by channeling it into anger. Mainly at Albus, the last I saw."

Kingsley elaborated, "He had a pretty dismal outlook on his life. And I suspect on this trip he's discovered something important to him."

"What's that?" Arthur asked

Kingsley chuckled. "Well she's blonde, about 5'3", and sprouted a watermelon patch in her third or fourth year from what I'm told."

"What?" Molly shrieked.

Remus smiled and explained in layman's terms, "She turned a couple of molehills into mountains."

"Huh?" Arthur asked.

"A Double-D doesn't always mean Doubly Dreadful." Kingsley stated with a smile.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Minerva asked.

Tonks shrugged. "Luna McJigglies Lovegood. And often."

Molly and Minerva both gasped, though Arthur was giving a thoughtful nod.

"Lovegood!" Snape exclaimed.

"And plenty." The muggle-informed Remus replied.

"Lovegood!" Amos Diggory yelled.

"Evil bad." Kingsley snickered.

"Lovegood?" Minerva asked.

"It's alright." Moody sniffed. "Certainly not great."

Tonks was waiting patiently for someone else to exclaim Luna's surname. "Come on! No one else? But it's my turn." She whined. "I got some zingers here. Work with me people!"

After a long pause that just frustrated the anxious pink-haired auror, Dung exasperatedly said, "Tonks."

"But no Tonks," Remus interrupted with a smile. "We've had enough, Tonk you very much."

That one seemed over the line and got nearly an entire room full of groans. Moody briefly entertained the idea of beaning Remus with his magical eye. All except for Albus who couldn't keep his face from twitching in restrained laughter.

"As enjoyable as this is, we need to discuss what can be done to protect and prevent any further attacks." Albus stated as he steered the Order meeting back on track.

"Actually, that may not be necessary." Severus interrupted with a smirk. "The Dark Lord's War Advisor has convinced him to halt all further attacks until at least September. Apparently he wants all plans and missions double and triple checked now."

"He's… taking off the rest of summer… from… his reign of terror?" Albus inquired.

Moody grumbled. "Lazy Dark Lords these days. Taking a vacation."

Severus shrugged a bit. "That's what he called a mass meeting to announce. He felt you would be confused and unprepared to deal with… having nothing to deal with. Merlin, that plan is so stupid on the surface, that it's brilliant. That Advisor is a genius."

"Yes, it is worrisome," Albus replied. "Before we could always count on a certain need for showmanship from Voldemort. He had a behavioral pattern that could be roughly predicted and planned for. But coupling a strategic mastermind with Voldemort's sheer power and flair for dramatics does not bode well for us at all. We must determine a course of action and prepare!"

The majority of the Order watched Albus numbly, exchanging a few uncertain looks.

"Umm, Albus?" Kingsley asked. "Didn't we just discover that thirty-one of the Dark Lord's followers, including many of his key ones have all been eliminated? As well as received a reprieve and free pass for the rest of summer?"

"Oh… right." The Headmaster weakly agreed. "Well, if Voldemort gets a vacation, I suppose we should to. Meeting dismissed! And next weeks' meeting will not be mandatory unless something changes. So until next time, remember: Evil bad, love good. And plenty. And often."

"And hard and fast." Tonks added.

Albus nodded. "Yes, of course. Tonk you, Nymphadora."

"Enchanted Forest! Of course." Lionel exclaimed. "I thought it was a portkey to the Enchanting Forest. How silly of me."

Harry just stared with a smile and was holding back a chuckle.

Luna saw Harry wasn't going to respond to the question and stated, "Hello Legolas. I'm Luna. Forgive me if I sound rude, but what sort of elf are you?"

Legolas straightened himself to stand prouder and taller. He forcefully intoned in a very high-pitched squeak, "I'm a high elf."

And it was like a dam burst as Harry just began laughing out loud, unable to contain himself, despite being aware he could be offending the 'high' elf.

Legolas smiled seeing someone else happy enough to laugh and squeaked out, "We are a race of peaceful elves who haven't been seen by most wizards or witches in centuries."

Harry just giggled more. He was mumbling, "Maybe they just weren't looking down."

Lionel smiled at the diminutive 'high' elf. "Hello Legolas, I'm Lionel. Now I've met a house elf before, but you certainly look different from them. So how does an elf become high?"

Harry was snickering into his hand trying to compose himself. "My money's on the massive mushrooms."

"Oh, heavens no!" Legolas eeped in a voice nearly as deep as Flitwick's. "These toadstools are our homes."

"You live in a toad stool?" Luna asked. "Doesn't that smell?"

Legolas shrugged and smiled. "Only like what you'd expect it to."

"What do I expect it to smell like?" Luna asked.

Legolas had no idea how to answer that question and was saved by Lionel explaining, "Like a mushroom, sweetie."

"Eww!" Luna yelped. "That's worse than I was imagining."

Legolas shrugged and nodded happily. "I must be used to it, because it smells like home to me."

Harry was still smiling and quietly chuckling at the little high elf.

"As for house elves, well, they are to us, as Giants are to you," the small giddy feller explained.

Harry frowned, thinking about the stereotypical impression of Giants. "Hello Legolas. I'm Harry. But I'm not sure I like your comparison, as I have always been impressed with house elves, and there's one in particular I respect highly and would call a friend."

"I think they're pretty great too!" Legolas cheerfully replied. "I was just trying to illustrate that they are more than twice our size."

Harry mumbled again, "And a little less colorful too."

Legolas nodded eagerly. "That's true. We're cheerier, we're elfier, some might even call us festively flamboyant. And, of course, our skin tone has a touch more blue in it."

And there was the crux of the matter. Gleeful, freakishly happy, electric blue, little creatures that were apparently 'high' elves to the 'house' elves two times their size. Further proof that Mother Nature has an absurd sense of humor.

"Hey Luna! Hey Lionel! Hey Harry! You guys want to come see our elf village?" Legolas excitedly asked.

Harry looked at Lionel who looked at Luna, who looked back at Lionel, who looked back at Harry. Harry asked, "Is it just a bunch of giant toad stools?"

"Of course not! They're high elf toadstools." Legolas cheerfully corrected. "I think I confused you earlier if you're thinking I'm a Giant."

Luna, still holding the sleeping baby Luna, as well as Lionel turned to give Harry a look questioning his mental acuity. Or at least his knowledge of Giants.

Harry pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He blearily said, "Alright, Legolas. We'd love to see your elf village."

Legolas squealed in excitement and clapped his little blue hands. "Follow me!" He began skipping through the forest and chirped a song to skip to. "La lah, la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la. La lah, la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la, la, la."

Harry groaned as he and the Lovegoods slowly walked to keep up with the tiny skipping blue creature. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Would an antacid help?" Luna asked.

"No. But thank you." Harry replied. "I know I'm not exactly a Ravenclaw, but aren't high elves an ancient, noble, extremely powerful, magical race?"

"Yes," Lionel nodded. "I believe they're historically attributed to predate wizards by countless millennia. But I don't recall any… physical descriptions of them."

Luna nodded. "You'd think someone might have mentioned they were blue. Or barely a foot tall."

"Hey," Harry suggested. "You could get some pictures and write a heck of an article."

Lionel paused and considered the idea. "Naw," he said shaking his head. "We'd have a better shot convincing the wizarding world that Muggles made it to the moon. Or we could even use that stock piece where the Boy-Who-Lived denies he's gay. Yeah, like that will help our credibility."

"Oi! I am not gay!" Harry indignantly yelled.

"Oh," Lionel realized forgetting Harry was the Boy-Who-Lived. "Right. And of course yelling it louder will convince those who doubt you."

Harry was grumbling angrily while Luna piped in, "It's true, Daddy. He freaked out when I wanted to wear the penis." Luna nodded thoughtfully and turned to Harry. "You know you might be homophobic."

Harry sighed. "I have no problems with gay people. I just happen to not be one. Same thing with women. No problems with them, but not one of them. If people were claiming I was a female I'd be yelling just as indignantly, insisting that I am not a woman."

Luna backed up her man. "It's true, Daddy. He's not a woman. I've got some pictures from when Harry was soundly sleepi-"

"I believe you, sugar dumpling." Lionel interrupted his daughter and looked at Harry. "Of course, indignantly yelling you're not a woman may be the cause of some of your gayness."

Harry sighed again, knowing he didn't want to know about any pictures of him sleeping or think about his own personal lack of masculinity.

Legolas smiled up at them, and in a high-pitched squeak suggested, "If it helps, I'm extremely gay at the moment, and so is probably everyone in the village."

"Really?" Lionel asked.

Legolas nodded happily. "Oh yes. High elves are usually noted for being super gay, and excitable, and giddy, and about as merry as you get. We're like the kings of gay."

"And queens," Luna added.

"And queens." Legolas giggled and nodded at Luna. "Heavens to Murgatroid, the sun is shining on a beautiful day, and I've met some wizards and a witch for the first time in my life. Who wouldn't be gay!"

Lionel shrugged. "Maybe the Boy-Who-Lived?"

Harry gave Lionel a less than pleased stare.

"What?" Lionel replied to the unspoken glare. "According to sources, he's a bit touchy about the subject."

Their venture through the woods was near its end, as the Lovegoods and Harry all heard happy whistling just over the next rise. And sure enough, there was a relatively clear area with dozens and dozens of gigantic mushrooms. Little blue creatures were whistling as they bustled around back and forth. None of them had spotted their approach yet, and Legolas stuck his thumb and forefinger in his mouth and whistled loudly to attract the village's attention.

All activity stopped as the high elves looked up at the massive newcomers.

An entirely too eager little female elf came bounding up. "Oh my sweetness! You're wizards!"

"Hello," Lionel stated. "I'm Lionel, this is my friend Harry, and my daughter Luna and the baby Luna. How do you do?"

The cheery feminine elf jumped in joy and chirped. "I'm Arwen and I'm in a really gay mood! You can call me Elfette, though. That's what everyone in Elf village calls me. Papa! Papa!" She ran forward and tackled another elf in a hug. "This is Papa Elf, but he's also my daddy."

"How do you do?" the dignified but cheery little blue man stated with a bow. "I am Elrond, or Papa Elf, if you prefer."

"It's a pleasure, Papa Elf." Luna said with a one-handed curtsy and a smile.

The dignity Papa Elf carried with him was lessened as he began bouncing happily a bit. "So what brings wizards into the Enchanted Forest today? I wouldn't have thought it was possible for you to even reach this forest, unless you were the Chosen…" Papa Elf's eyes widened as he took in Harry's appearance. He fell to his little elf knees and began to bow. An adorable little high-pitched whisper carried through the village. "It is you."

Harry grumbled and turned to Lionel and Luna. "I told you I had a bad feeling about this, and see. You see what happened? Fate's taking another crap in my hair."

"The Chosen One from the ancient scriptures," an exceptionally nerdy looking elf stated almost reverently. The rest of the high elves all let out gasps of awe.

Harry just stared at the ground and was kicking the dirt, grumbling to himself.

"Why do you think Harry is the Chosen One? And who are you?" grown-up Luna asked.

The little blue elf with the glasses blushed. "Sorry. My name is Celeborn. But everyone around here just calls me Brainy Elf." The nerdy little feller puffed out his chest with pride. "And we recognized him because the ancient scriptures warned of the coming of the one with 'The Untamable Ratty Nest of Hair'. There was some mention about a scar too but for ages the children hear the legends about The Untamable Ratty Nest of Hair so it's kind of hard to miss."

Harry was trying to smooth down his hair while he was frowning at all the looks people were giving him. "It's not that bad."

"We've long been waiting for the opportunity to help the Chosen One," Papa Elf added. "And if we may be of any assistance you need only ask, Oh Chosen One."

Harry frowned. "My name is Harry. None of this 'Chosen One' stuff please. And I doubt it's me. I'm having a bad hair day. It's just a bit gnarlier out camping and all this sun damage. I haven't conditioned in weeks and… oh who am I kidding."

"The ancient scriptures!" Elfette chirped waving her little blue arms in the air. "If he is the Chosen One, they will have revealed the rest!"

"My wife has the scriptures," Brainy Elf pointed out.

"To Granny Elf's!" Papa Elf cheered, and led a near-violent little Elf stampede towards a toadstool deeper in the forest.

Knowing the difference in the size of the steps they took, Luna, Lionel, and Harry followed at a lackadaisical pace easily keeping up with the rampaging little high elves.

Legolas hung back a bit to speak with the wizards. He voiced a question aloud he'd been meaning to ask. "Harry, I can sense the evil magic in your scar, and it feels slightly old, like it's been there a while. I'm wondering why I sense it weaker but newer on the bab-"

Harry's lackadaisical pace including an accidental kick-out that sent the tiny Legolas flying. "Whoops. I must not have been paying attention there. Sorry Legolas."

Legolas brushed himself off and got back up with a smile. "No apology necessary. It was probably my fault. I mean they don't all call me Clumsy Elf for nothing." He got moving quickly again and caught up to them. "As I was saying, about the bab-"

Harry's leg flung out again in a completely innocent fashion sending Clumsy Elf flying. "Aw crud, I'm sorry Legolas. Looks like you tripped again. You alright there, buddy? Alright, great." Harry didn't wait for any response and quickly turned to the Lovegoods. "So… ancient scriptures, eh? What do you guys think is on them?" Harry asked with a less than sincere smile as he encouraged them to pick up their pace and get going.

Lionel looked at Luna and shrugged. "It could be anything, and I doubt we could even speculate. But I must say I find the high elves willingness to do anything you ask them something useful to have."

"Yeah, lovely," Harry grumbled. "Ten to one odds, those scriptures are going to tell them to kill me and anyone with me."

Lionel nodded with understanding. "Of course. I forgot about that possibility. Well, I guess we'll find out."

They approached the area where Granny elf came out carrying some scrolls that were as big as the high elves themselves were.

"Greetings, Chosen One." The imperious looking older female elf stated. "I am Galadriel, but around here they call me Granny Elf. I have longed for the day to meet and assist you in any way possible." She finished with a bow quite low to the ground.

"Nice to meet you Granny Elf," Harry said warmly. "Please call me Harry. And this is Lionel, Luna, and Luna. Have the scriptures revealed the rest of their message, or perhaps is this a case of mistaken identity?"

Granny Elf shook her head. "Oh we aren't mistaken at all. They have indeed changed. Only not into anything any of us can read, as far as I know. They're in a language I cannot identify, but have clearly changed into a distinct… sort of squiggly mess."

Lionel seemed to be thinking about something while Harry said, "From the sound of it, maybe we're close to being chosen, but just not quite. It's probably someone else."

"No," Granny Elf intoned forcefully with a smile. "It is you."

"Perhaps," Lionel interrupted, "The scriptures can only be read by the Chosen One."

"Of course!" A number of little blue high elves cheered and waved their arms in the air. "Give him the ancient scriptures!" a squeaky voice yelled. A few more echoed the sentiment, "Yes, the scriptures!"

Harry turned to Lionel and frowned. "How the hell am I supposed to be able to read them?"

Lionel smiled and shrugged. "No idea. But if they say to kill us, just… well, I'd lie to them if I were you."

Harry took the offered ancient scroll. He unrolled it a little bit and quickly rolled it back up. "Oh God dammit." Harry showed the top of the scroll to Luna and Lionel and asked if they could understand it. They both shook their heads and reiterated what the high elves said: that it was just a squiggly mess.

"How the hell is that a written language?" An irate Harry yelled.

"You can read it?" Lionel asked.

"It looks like English to me." Harry nodded with a frown. "Except all the letters are made from the bodies of snakes."

"Ancient Parseltongue scriptures!" Luna stated excitedly. "Oooooh!"

Lionel explained. "Parseltongue is a magical language, so there aren't really any rules on it."

The high elves were all kneeling around Harry and the Lovegoods, which was making Harry decidedly uncomfortable.

Luna was getting impatient. "Well, come on. These fine elves have been waiting a long time to know what's on their ancient scriptures. What do they say?"

Harry unrolled it slowly and began reading it aloud, "It says, 'Harry, you need to change…'" At this Harry paused and looked towards Luna and baby Luna. Baby Luna smiled back at Harry, stuck out her tongue, and said "Pbbthpt!"

"…the baby." Harry finished anticlimactically and rolled his eyes. "Gods above, I hate prophecy."

Lionel smiled joyfully. "And no has to be killed. I love happy endings."

Harry just grumbled and handed the ancient scripture back to Granny Elf. "Whoever made these ancient scriptures was not a particularly useful Seer." He took baby Luna from grown-up Luna and knew he would have no choice but to be the one to change her diaper. "I can't believe Fate and Destiny put into motion thousands of years ago, a bloody reminder that it's my bloody turn to change a bloody diaper."

As Harry walked back into a clearing away from the high elves and their homes, he set about changing the freshly filled diaper.

The little high elf voices carried back to Harry as they all began cheering the Chosen One completing his duty. Harry was about to snap back angrily at them when he realized they weren't saying "doody."

Harry and the happily mooing baby Luna came back to the crowd and received a raucous cheer from the high elves. In his absence, apparently it was unanimously decided to throw a party in the Chosen One's honor, including a scrumptious high elf feast.

Just like their bastard cousins, the high elves knew how to make a delicious meal. Naturally, in ridiculously excessive amounts. Granted they were celebrating the Chosen One's appearance after millennia of waiting, so a certain degree of excess is expected.

Everyone was digging into the yummy oddly colored meats and the high elves kept poking fun at Harry and the Lovegoods oversized portions. Lionel asked Papa Elf, "I thought the high elves left the world behind and made their own home in a magical dimension? We're still in Europe, aren't we?"

Papa Elf smiled back and nodded. "Yes, yes, we're in a very well concealed area of Sweden here. I doubt you could find this place, were it not for Fate's call to our Chosen One. But you are correct. We did leave this dimension and escape to our own magical world, but we left ourselves with an easy avenue back into this world. And more often than not, now almost all of us spend our time in this world."

Lionel's ears perked up at this. "Is our world improving? You're becoming more willing to accept the grievous harm wizards and humanity do?"

Papa Elf shook his head vigorously. "No, no. Nothing like that at all. I cannot see that sort of gross behavior ever being excused."

Lionel frowned. "Well then… why are you back so much more often?"

Papa Elf bowed his head in shame. "We are highly magical beings and capable of things wizards could only dream of, but sadly some things are beyond even our control."

Lionel was still puzzled and was waiting for a more thorough explanation when Elfette piped in, "For all the things we can do with magic, we cannot find a way to get cable in our magical dimension."

Lionel raised an eyebrow. "Cable?"

Elfette grinned widely. "We're addicted. There's so much good stuff these days."

Luna whispered to her father about some new magical narcotics, one of which must be this 'cable'. Lionel nodded and probed no further into what was obviously a sensitive subject with Papa Elf.

Papa Elf smiled happily and added, "Yes, yes, there is that. But also, the Dark Lord Gargelmort passed away, and without him… well, without him we didn't have so much to do."

"Dark Lord Gargelmort?' Harry asked curiously. "I don't think I've ever heard of him."

Papa Elf nodded. "He wasn't as bad as he sounds. He was a Giant, so his nefarious schemes and plans weren't always particularly well thought out. More often than not, we ended up saving him from a disaster of his own making."

Brainy Elf shrugged. "But it gave us something to do."

Elfette nodded proudly nearly bouncing out of her seat. "And now we have cable to fill that void!"

Harry looked around at all the elves and could just imagine the joy continuous television programming would provide them. An involuntarily shudder rippled through his body.

"So what happened to him?" Luna asked curiously.

Granny Elf smiled and responded, "Well, he just passed away of old age. We found his familiar acting a little lost. He wasn't near as angry or playful as he should have been. It was only then that we discovered the Dark Lord Gargelmort had died a few days earlier."

"A Giant had a familiar?" Harry asked surprised.

"Oh yes," Clumsy Elf responded. "Azrael went everywhere Gargelmort went. Those two went together like peas and carrots! We held a high elf burial ceremony for the Dark Lord Gargelmort, and brought Azrael back into this dimension. I bet he even still lives in a cave deep in the Enchanted Forest."

"What kind of animal would be a familiar to a Giant?" Harry asked.

Papa Elf cheerfully answered, "Azrael? Well, Azrael's a Snorkack."

Harry was not prepared for this and began choking on his food, while Lionel spilled the drink he was holding. Sadly, Luna was the least prepared and accidentally dropped baby Luna. Baby Luna smashed her head on the table and flipped over to land again on her head. She rolled over and just stared up at grown-up Luna looking deeply betrayed.

Author's Note: Consider this a disclaimer in case anyone seemed to think I may have inadvertently borrowed ideas characters or names from either Tolkien's Lord of the Rings or Hanna-Barbera's The Smurfs. Completely accidental and unintentional. I wouldn't know how anyone would draw those comparisons. But just in case, I'll say that they're not mine.