Chapter 4

It had only been 9 months, a week, one day since the defeat of the Sorceress that threatened the world.. Yet as the Shumi once said, "There are things in life that will forever change, the only thing that you can count on is change itself."

This is by the way a flashback of sorts…

---------------------------------

Change…

That was the only word that swirled around my brain as I watched them, again from afar.. Like before, alone. Okay.. so technically I'm not alone, considering I'm with a few of my childhood friends.. Childhood friends meaning those I hung out with during my cadet days. You may think I never talked to anyone, but trust me I did… I wasn't much of a loner then.

People always loved exaggerating stuff, and I was a victim of that... I mean.. Seriously, I was chased all over the garden once by those annoying fan-girls. Now any guy would love to have a few people who liked them here and there.. but Stalkers.. That's a different story.. First it was just Jake.. but then the stupid stalkers saw me and well…

Well.. Let's just say they made me become the common misconception of antisocial… as well as the real one.

Do you what it means? Antisocial- A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. Antisocials tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often aggressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.

Maybe they were right in calling me antisocial, cause I sort of am. Just not the antisocial they believe me to be. I mean after all, I always did hurt the people around me.. It's pretty amazing that Jake and the gang can stand me..

Hey I'm not really complaining about Quistis or anything.. I mean if anything, I would have thought her to give up on me years ago, back when me and Seifer were on the same side… Clarification: Me and SeiferFormer Best friends. It's just that we've always been so competitive. I mean the only reason we really stopped being best friends because I challenged him on getting Quistis. Yes I know.. Doesn't seem like me from what you know…

But I told you, we were competitive. When I did get Quistis, he got mad at me for no reason… That's what I thought.. Until I heard from Sara, or rather Alexa, as I now call her, that he actually had feelings for Quistis… It really ain't my fault.. He should have actually told me that he did the moment he knew...

Another example of competitiveness between us, have you noticed we have the same kind of weapons? I mean, there are tons more weapons that I and Seifer could have used, but no, we wanted the hardest weapon to wield, the rarest weapon to use especially if you were a complete beginner.

So yeah.. We were competitive. I'd love to say that even Rinoa was a trophy at some point, except that changed, I did like her. Just not as early as she thought I did. Wanna know something? I'm pretty sure you may have guessed this one already.. I'm just confirming it. You know that I went and rescued her from that Sorceress Memorial, I only started liking her then. Well.. whether she knew about that little fact or not, she got her revenge already anyways…

Oh and one more clarification, I didn't forget my past or theirs, if anything the GFs made me remember them, at least one GF did so. What was this GF, I can't tell you, all I can say is that only I know of it for very complicated reasons. Reasons I will not be explaining to you anytime soon.

So telepath, you must think I'm crazy for talking to myself, right? Cause I'm not supposed to be able to know that you're in my mind, right? No I'm not paranoid, I just have that GF equipped right now.. Hell I always have it equipped, How do you think I knew what I needed to get Doomtrain out? Or that I could draw Siren out?

Please, I'm not that much of a guesser.. I would have thought that you would've noticed that I'm calculating. That's probably the one and only real thing about me that you know… I mean the whole loner thing? That was an act.. A tactic… Still part of the competitive thing okay? Seifer was the bad-ass, I was the loner.. I mean who could resist that? I'm an asshole I know, too bad I don't much of give a shit. At least I used to.. Love to say it was Rinoa and the gang that changed me, made me care, but that would be lying. It was Jake, Alexa, James and Jamie, my childhood friends. I mean at some point, specifically when they left me, that just made me even more closed, more insensitive, more of an asshole. Oh and a bastard too…

And I know you're wondering why they were ever really mad at me in the first place… I know bad grammar, but do I care?

No it wasn't because I told them about the bet, the trophies or anything… It was more of betrayal really… I'm not that sure, but what I do know that Irvine started it. At least that's what Selphie said.. It was somewhere along the lines of using them.. It was true. Take not of that, was. I wasn't using them anymore. Life taught me better than that already. But it seems that Irvine's stuck in the past.. I guess I should have never told him about the bet me and Seifer had..

I guess life kicks you in the ass once you're out of the high and mighty phase, just to get you back into the frigging phase it's been nagging us to get out of. Ah the irony.

One question, have you ever been alone in a crowded room? A lot of people would have said yes to that question, but apparently not me, no matter how much of a loner I almost became. Not because it was a crowded room, but more of the fact that I always had regrets on me. Funny thing is I took pride in saying that I never regret anything. But in truth, I might as well regret my whole life. Cause everything was a mistake. A damn mistake.

I was never supposed to be a SeeD. I was just supposed to be some bored-out-of-his-wits-guy in Winhill… If only that idiot Laguna stayed back home. I was never supposed to be alive in the first place.

I was never supposed to be hired by the Damn Forest Owls. I should have walked out or something! Anything!

I should have never accepted the Commander position.

I never should have given in to the world's demand to save them from the Sorceress Queen they themselves made and helped.

Those regrets.. They're not even a quarter of what's always going around my mind.. Just imagine, everywhere you look you see something that'll remind of you of something you missed, something you weren't able to be there for.

Someone you couldn't… No, someone you could never be.

--------------

Imagine your whole life as something seemingly perfect.

I can't.

Just do it.

Okay.. I'll try.

What would it be like?

A normal life. Military wars, sure, but mental wars.. no.

Why? Did people ever play mind games on you?

No. I played the mind games.

I can't help but think what would have happened…

When? Your childhood?

Yeah.. but more on the decisions I had to make.

So, basically what you're trying to say is that you were never really given a choice?

Oh sure I was given a choice, save the world or watch it be destroyed, of course with the whole world breathing down my neck.

Ah.. Sarcasm, Jake told me that you were like that.

Jake? He put you up to this?

No, I found you interesting..

So what? Now I'm a test subject or something? From world hero to lab rat… Great.

Labrat? What are you talking about?

You said I was interesting, Shrink. Come on, with the mind games I play, I understand every single word played down just so you won't end up insulting anyone. I'm a lab rat, don't deny it. I mean how many SeeD-involved-with-sorceress-saves-the-world-from-sorceress's can you ever talk to?

…

I'm right, ain't I? Of course I am.