"This reminds me of the time when Dolly turned them into a two-headed…thing," Francine mused.
"I missed that," said Muffy. "I was a gold statue at the time."
Francine chuckled. "You're turning into a statue again. You can't take your eyes off them."
They were only two among the mob of kids who had gathered to watch Buster and Fern as they embraced and kissed fondly on a bench in the center court.
"It's so romantic," said Muffy wistfully. "It makes me look forward to the day when I'll cuddle up to a strong, handsome man…while we model Ralph Lauren's latest unisex fashions."
While coming up for air, Buster made an observation. "It's funny how we solved so many mysteries together, but the greatest mystery is why we didn't do this a long time ago."
"I guess I was afraid to make my feelings known," said Fern. "I'm the shy, quiet type, after all."
Among those missing the spectacle were D.W. and Nadine, who were wandering about the playground without a care.
"Don't you think we should be inside watching Fern and Buster kiss?" said Nadine.
"Naw," was D.W.'s response. "I brought the crowd together. My work is done."
Nadine's eye was attracted to something lying in the dirt by the wall. "Look over there," she exclaimed. "It's one of those Pukemon trading cards."
"Cool!" said D.W., running to the spot. Picking up and examining the card, she stated, "It's a Skunkasaurus."
"Wow," Nadine marveled. "Their stench is what made the dinosaurs go extinct."
"I've heard if you rip a Skunkasaurus card in half, a real Skunkasaurus dies," said D.W.
"Hey," said Nadine, "why is it getting dark?"
The two girls turned around, and learned to their horror that Rattles was towering over them with an expression of pure nastiness.
"I think it belongs to the big scary boy," said Nadine nervously. "Give it back to him."
"I don't want your stupid card," Rattles thundered. "I want your lunch money. Hand it over, or I'll set fire to your butts and smoke you."
"Smoking's bad for your health," said D.W. arrogantly.
Enraged, Rattles grabbed the collar of D.W.'s dress and started to shake her. "I'll show you what's bad for your health," he snarled.
As D.W. screamed with fright and Nadine backed away, a courageous voice was heard. "Let go of my sister, you big, ugly crock of crud!"
Rattles, holding D.W. suspended in the air, looked aside and saw Arthur marching toward him. Grinning, he dropped the little girl onto her rear end and put his hands on his waist.
"You're in trouble now," said D.W. as she clambered to her feet. "Arthur's the student body president. He has executive powers."
"You don't have any power over me," gloated Rattles. "I voted for the other guy."
Arthur felt his heart tremble as the larger boy glared down at the top of his head. I guess this is the first test of my presidency, he thought.
More than a dozen kids had stopped their recess activities to watch the confrontation between Arthur and Rattles, but as of yet, no one had stepped forward.
"Hey, that's Arthur Read, the student body president," a cat boy in a ragged T-shirt said to Zeke England. "I'll bet if you help him fight that bully, he'll give you a cabinet position."
"The Bible says, turn the other cheek," Zeke told him.
"The Bible says, you're a doofus," the cat boy responded.
"You've got to the count of three to take off your glasses," said Rattles, shaking a ham-sized fist at Arthur.
"Like you can count that high," D.W. mocked him.
As Arthur tried to remember just what had given him the idea that bullies would respect his authority, an idea came to him. He grinned sinisterly.
"One…two…" Rattles counted.
Arthur took off his glasses.
And dropped them on the ground.
And crushed them under the heel of his shoe.
"AAAARGH!" he wailed. "There's glass in my eyes!"
Rattles gaped. The kids in the playground gaped as well.
"Hey, he broke that kid's glasses!" cried a sheep boy.
"He'll go blind!" exclaimed a monkey girl.
"Let's go help him," said Zeke. "It's what Jesus would do."
The kids converged to Arthur's location as Rattles, fearing their indignation, slipped away quietly. He didn't get far.
"My office is that way, young man," said Principal Haney, pointing toward the school entrance.
"But…but…" Rattles stammered.
"Only a coward hits a boy with glasses," said Mr. Haney. "You're looking at two weeks' detention, if I have anything to say about it."
"But I didn't hit him!" the bully insisted.
"It's true, Mr. Haney," said Arthur, stumbling toward the misty blur that was the principal. "He didn't break my glasses. I broke them myself."
"That's the funniest story I've ever heard," said Mr. Haney.
Noticing the principal's incredulity, D.W. started to laugh riotously. "Oh, that's so funny! He broke his own glasses! Yeah, right!"
"I don't know what he threatened you with," Mr. Haney said to Arthur, "but you don't have to be afraid to tell the truth. I'll see that he doesn't give you any more trouble."
"Oh, man," muttered Rattles as the principal dragged him away.
Arthur bent over and began to collect the shards of glass from his broken spectacles. As he was working, a pink blob approached him.
"Arthur," asked D.W., "what's detention?"
The aardvark boy paused, taken aback by his sister's ignorance.
"Whatever it is, I hope it's really bad," D.W. added.
"Uh," said Arthur, straightening himself, "detention means you have to stay after school for an hour."
"That's it?" D.W. groaned.
Arthur nodded.
"Yeesh!" said D.W. disappointedly. "I've heard of revolving door justice, but this takes the cupcake."
"Are you okay?" asked Zeke, one of several kids who surrounded Arthur.
"Yeah," the boy replied. "But this incident proves what I've been saying ever since I started running for president…"
"This school needs a new spirit of camera-ready," Nadine chimed in.
"That's camaraderie, Nadine," Arthur corrected her. "It's time to make my posse program a reality."
"I've already got a posse," said the cat boy in the T-shirt. "Bullies don't dare mess with us."
"What about you, Zeke?" said Arthur. "Do you have a posse?"
"What's that?" asked the Pomeranian boy.
"It's a group of kids you hang out with."
"Oh," said Zeke. "I thought it was something dirty."
"Zeke is now a member of your posse," Arthur told the cat boy. "Is that all right?"
"No way," the boy answered. "Being around him is like going to church."
"Then we're agreed," said Arthur. "I'll see you in class, Zeke."
Turning about, he marched away and promptly ran into a wall.
At precisely eleven o'clock, Professor Frink appeared on the doorstep of the Simpson house.
"Are you sure this guy's on the level?" asked Alan as he watched Marge answer the doorbell.
"I can't understand a word he says," the blue-haired woman replied. "But I can tell he's sincere."
The man with the column-shaped head and pink jeans startled Alan with his odd appearance, and even more with his eagerness.
"I'm Alan Powers, sir," said the bear boy meekly.
"Oh, yes, I know," said Frink, rubbing his hands together in delight. "My lab assistant told me about you, and your amazing gift, ng'hoy."
"Can you help me get rid of it?" asked Alan hopefully.
"I'll certainly try, yes, I will," said Frink. "I'm not making any promises, but I can promise you this—if I can't help you, then there isn't a scientist in the entire lower east side of the Milky Way who can."
You've walked right into my hands, thought the scientist. But I won't turn you over to the Brainchildren, no, not yet—not until I've toyed with you a little.
Alan could feel his nerves grinding as Frink drove him along in the bizarre-looking pink sedan. Is this really what I want to be when I grow up? he wondered.
"You take your life into your hands every time you drive," Frink babbled, "with the traffic and the road rage and the orange cones that have yet to stop a car from running right over them. That's why I installed an artificially intelligent driving assistant. I call her Aida."
Leaning over, he pressed a button on the dash, and multicolored lights started to flash below the CD player. "Be careful, Professor," a female voice intoned.
"Thank you, Aida," said Frink. "I will be."
"Be careful, Professor," the voice repeated.
The journey became even more strenuous for Alan as Frink began to sing the aria Celeste Aida over and over.
After they arrived at the Springfield Heights Institute of Technology, Frink led his young charge down a stone stairway into a basement entrance. Several corridors later they came upon a bolted metal door, which Frink opened by pressing a series of numbers on a keypad. "Welcome, Professor John Frink," spoke a friendly woman's voice.
The inner chamber was packed with all manner of electronic gadgets, partially completed devices, and loose junk. Alan temporarily forgot his fear as he marveled at the display of technology.
"Welcome to Frinkyland, the most scientific place on Earth," said Frink proudly.
"Whooooaa," said Alan in wonder. Reaching for an object that resembled a hair dryer with exposed circuits, he asked, "What does this thing do?"
"Don't touch that!" Frink bellowed.
Alan sheepishly backed away.
"It's hot," the professor explained. "You'll burn yourself."
"Maybe you should put warning labels on some of this stuff," Alan suggested.
"That would be redundant," said Frink, lifting a metallic helmet from a table. "Everything you see is extremely dangerous. Now hold still, teddy bear boy."
"What is it?" asked Alan.
"It's a brain scanner," Frink replied as he lowered the device over the boy's head. "You may feel a slight tingling in the glavin…"
Alan did his best to stay calm as the scientist manipulated the helmet's controls. He heard a humming noise that lasted for a few seconds, then felt an odd sensation—as if darkness was falling all about him, and the only thing illuminated was Frink himself. Peace flowed over his mind as the image of Frink grew, encompassing the world, then the universe…
His eyes suddenly glazed over. "You are my master," he droned.
to be continued