"Oh, good glavin," Frink grumbled. "That's the wrong helmet!" He quickly snatched the metallic device from Alan's head, and the boy shook his head and awoke from his trance.

"Huh?" said the confused Alan. "What just happened?"

"That was too close," said the professor as he shut off the helmet's power. "Another second and you might have turned into the zombie slave assistant I've always dreamed of having."

While Alan tried to register what Frink had said, the scientist grabbed another helmet of the same size and composition, and laid it over the bear boy's head. A slight dizziness passed through Alan's brain, but as far as he could tell, he still had possession of his free will.
While Fern and Buster sipped orange juice from the same carton through separate straws, Binky and Francine sat across from each other at a nearby table, enjoying their lunch of vermicelli with beef. (Vermicelli with mystery meat had been phased out after Mrs. McGrady's relevation that it wasn't meat at all, but soy protein.)

"I thought maybe you could help me with something," said Binky to the monkey girl.

"Sure, what is it?" was Francine's response.

Binky glanced in both directions before going on. "You know the boy who replaced Fern as the voice of Mini Moo?"

"No, I don't know him," Francine answered.

"He's gay," Binky told her. "At least he thinks he's gay."

Francine said nothing.

"I said, he's gay," Binky repeated.

"And…?" was all Francine had to say.

"You were gay once," Binky recalled, "but you're not anymore."

"Thank you so much for dredging that up," said Francine.

"But I've been thinking…"

"Be careful, it might become a habit."

"I've been thinking, maybe you weren't really gay. Maybe you were just confused."

Francine smiled slightly. "Yeah, I've thought about that too."

"Like I told you, I have to work with this gay kid," Binky continued. "To tell the truth, it's kinda uncomfortable. There I am dancing around in my cow suit, and there he is sitting in a glass booth, where he can see all my graceful movements."

"I can see how that would be a problem," said Francine sarcastically.

"So what I want to know is, is this kid really gay, or is he just convinced that he's gay? And if he is gay, is there a way to make him not gay?"

Francine stared disapprovingly at him.

"Okay, I'll let you think about it for a while, if that's what you need," said Binky.

"I'm not thinking," Francine informed him. "I'm staring disapprovingly."

Binky lowered his pupils.

"You should treat him like you treat anyone else," said Francine. "My uncle Max is gay, and we're all right with that. He can't help what he is, any more than Beat can help liking boys."

Binky looked over his shoulder at the table where Beat was seated, and noticed that the rabbit-aardvark girl was gazing wistfully at him. Realizing that she had been detected, Beat quickly turned her eyes downward to her meal.

Later that day, the kids poured out of the school building after a long day of being educated. In the parking lot, Mrs. Read pulled the family car up to retrieve Arthur and D.W. The aardvark siblings sat on either side of Kate, who was fastened into a baby seat.

"Thanks for picking us up, Mom," said D.W.

"No problem, sweetie," said her mother. "I didn't want you to be late for your first lesson with Dr. Fugue."

"Is it too late to take back my 'thank you'?" said D.W. gloomily.

Elsewhere, Fern was bidding farewell to her boyfriend, Buster. "I wish I could come over and help you look for Alan," she said, giving the rabbit boy a peck on the lips. "But I've got a prior engagement with Sue Ellen."

"That's news to me," said the cat girl, who stood nearby.

As the pair of girls walked toward Mrs. Krantz' house, Sue Ellen remarked, "If you're meaning to talk to me about Alan, I don't know anything."

"No, it's not about that," Fern told her.

"And if you want to ask me how I feel about finding out I'm really an alien, there's a good article in the Frensky Star."

"It's not that either," said Fern. "I just want to hang out at your place until April shows up."

"She doesn't know anything about Alan either," said Sue Ellen. "And if you want to ask her how she feels about finding out she's really an alien…"

"Drop it," said Fern.

The girls filled in crossword puzzles for fifteen minutes before Mrs. Krantz and April arrived. "Hi, Fern," said April with a knowing grin. The older cat girl had begun to differentiate herself from Sue Ellen by wearing a red pantsuit and letting her curls hang.

"Got a minute or two?" the poodle girl asked her.

"Sure," said April, and she and Fern disappeared into a bedroom.

"Let's keep it down," whispered April after closing the door. "Sue Ellen knows nothing about our plans, and Iwant it to staythat way."

"All right," said Fern. "So, what's new?"

April sat down on her bed and began to report. "Still no clue as to Alan's location. We haven't seen or heard from Clive, either. We never did find out what his powers are—I hope he doesn't endanger anyone. No new ideas for rescuing my parents from the Thrags. There's good news—the Los Cactos Superior Court decided to drop all charges against me over the crystal theft, but I'll bet you anything the FBI is listening to us at this moment."

"You think the room is bugged?" said Fern with alarm.

"Relax," said April. "My dad was totally paranoid about surveillance. I've chosen not to worry about it at all."

Fern swallowed. "I've come to ask you a favor."

April's eyes brightened.

"I'd like to borrow your invisibility stone," Fern requested.

April grinned, reached into her pocket, and drew out a round sapphire-hued stone. "Going spying, are you? Good luck with that. I don't need to show you how to use it, since I saw you use it once before—or should I say, I didn't see you use it."

"Thanks, April," said Fern as she plucked the stone from the cat girl's fingers.

"Who're you spying on?" asked April curiously.

"Prunella," Fern replied. "She's got to know something about where Alan's hiding."

D.W., in the meantime, had just taken a seat on the piano bench in front of Dr. Fugue's baby grand.

"Hey, I know him!" the girl exclaimed, pointing at a framed portrait on the wall. "That's Yo Mama!"

The old rat man sighed with frustration. "His name is Yo-Yo Ma."

"But he doesn't have a yo-yo," D.W. observed.

"Yo-Yo is his name," Dr. Fugue pointed out.

"That's a stupid name," said D.W. petulantly. "His Ma didn't name him very well."

"Less talking, more Baching," snapped the piano teacher. "We'll start with the C Major scale. To help you recognize the notes, I've attached stickers to the keys in the scale."

"This isn't right," said D.W. "A and B come before C in the alphabet. I know that, and I'm in first grade."

"Silence, little girl!" Dr. Fugue roared. "You will do exactly what I say when I say it, and you will not speak unless spoken to."

D.W.'s first piano lesson went downhill from that point.

In Springfield, Alan tried to conceal himself in Lisa's room while the girl welcomed her playmates into the Simpson home.

"Hey, Alan," Lisa called quietly to him, "some of my friends from school are here. Would you like to meet them?"

"No, thanks," replied Alan, who was reading one of Lisa's books on jazz notation.

To his chagrin, two of Lisa's companions had already spotted him through the doorway.

"Look, Sherri!" said one of the identical blue-haired girls. "There's a boy in Lisa's room!"

"I didn't know you were married, Lisa," joked the other twin.

Hoping to drive away the unwanted attention, Alan jumped down from the bed and confronted the twin girls. An odder pair he had never laid eyes on.

"You're not seeing double," said the two girls in unison.

"But I'm hearing double, apparently," Alan remarked.

"Alan, these are my friends, Sherri and Terri," Lisa told him. The twins giggled.

"Which one is Sherri and which one is Terri?" Alan asked.

"We don't know," said Terri, shrugging.

"We look so much alike," added Sherri, "even we can't tell us apart."

Another girl walked up, a blonde with a short skirt and barrette. "New boyfriend, Lisa?" she said girlishly. "What happened to Thelonius?"

"He's not my boyfriend, Alison," said Lisa. "He's…my cousin. Yeah, that's right."

"But he doesn't look like you," Alison observed.

"He looks like a big teddy bear with legs," said Sherri and Terri together.

"I said, he's my cousin," said Lisa sharply. "That means he doesn't have to look like me. Now if you'll pardon us, we need to talk about something in private."

"Okay," said Alison. "But first, Sherri and Terri have something to tell you." The twins snickered.

"What?" asked Lisa.

"You have a big butt," said Sherri and Terri.

Lisa closed the door with an exasperated groan. "Those twins creep me out," Alan told her, "the way they giggle and talk together all the time."

"And there's a pair just like them in Bart's class," said Lisa.

As they conversed, Professor Frink was busy in his laboratory, examining the scans he had made of Alan's brain.

"Fascinating," he said with reverence. "Bumpy, but fascinating."

In Elwood City, on the roof of the Westboro apartment building, Francine was pounding out a melody on her drum kit when a woman's voice called to her.

"I can hear you from the first floor, Francine. Could you please turn down the volume?"

Francine raised her sticks, turned around, and was pleased to see Augusta Winslow and Dolly Green standing in the access doorway.

(A/N: For those readers starting the series at this point, Augusta was originally Angus Winslow, a curator/alchemist who was magically transformed into a woman by Dolly. Dolly Green was originally Dolly Proctor, a rat girl from the 17th century who materialized in modern times, magically transformed Angus into a woman, and was herself magically transformed into a boy, Dudley. Later, Dudley was body-switched with an alien cat girl and once again became Dolly, much to her elation. I know this is probably very confusing. I don't care.)

"Sorry about the noise," said Francine. "Hey, Dolly, I love your new body."

"Why, thank you," said Dolly with a slight curtsey.

"What brings you back here?" Francine asked the blond cat girl.

"Join us downstairs for peanut butter cookies," Dolly offered, "and you'll find out."

"Okay," said Francine, rising from her drums. "Uh, the cookies aren't magic, are they?"

"Only magically delicious," said Augusta.

Francine followed her and Dolly to her first-floor apartment, where she saw the usual assortment of potion ingredients on the shelves. One thing, she noticed, had changed—the old, rather tacky furniture had been replaced by a brown leather set.

"It looks a lot nicer than before," Francine said to Augusta.

"I redecorated," said the blond rabbit woman. "You see, not long ago I admitted to myself that I enjoyed being a woman as much as I had enjoyed being a man. On top of that, since I've been both male and female, I understand both genders very well. In short, what Dolly did to me was a blessing, not a curse."

"Uh-huh," said Francine, not fully comprehending.

Augusta lowered herself into an easy chair and sighed. "There's just one problem facing me—how do I find a mate? Even though my own witch powers have been removed, I'm confident that I can pass them on to my daughters, if I ever have any."

"That's where I come in," said Dolly.

"I understand men too well for my own good," Augusta went on. "I can spot their flaws, because the same flaws caused me to fail in my first marriage. The only thing is, they're all flawed."

"That's where I come in," said Dolly.

"You know what they say," said Francine. "Nobody's perfect, especially men."

Augusta chuckled. "Just yesterday, I had another epiphany. You remember how I fell in love with Maria, and proposed to her, because of the potion Dolly made? I said to myself, what if lightning can strike twice? Instead of being extra-selective, why don't I use her potion to make myself fall madly in love with an acceptable man, then abandon myself to whatever follows? That's where you come in, Dolly."

"She asked me to make another batch of love potion," said Dolly. "I don't have witch powers anymore, but the recipe's simple enough that I don't need them."

Francine nodded for a moment, then spoke up. "Okay, but is that really love, when you use magic to make yourself fall in love?"

"Before I answer that," said Augusta, "I have a question or two for you. What's the opposite of true love?"

Francine became pensive. "Uh…false love?"

"Is true love the only good kind of love?"

"Um…uh…well, no, I guess not. If I have a crush on a boy, that's not true love, but it's not a bad thing, either. It could turn into true love someday."

"So false love isn't always bad," Augusta concluded, "because it can turn into true love. Do you see my point?"

"Not really," said Francine. "But what if you use the potion to make yourself love a man, and then he uses you, and deserts you?"

"That's the risk," Augusta acknowledged. "I'd have to choose a man who's a perfect gentleman."

"Hmm," said Francine thoughtfully. "The only perfect gentleman I know is Bailey, Muffy's old chauffeur. He won't even take a lady by the hand without asking permission."

"Yes, I've met Bailey," said Augusta. "Muffy introduced me to him, but I found we had nothing in common. Yet if you say he's a perfect gentleman…"

"I remember something he told Muffy and me," Francine mused. "'A man should stand tall and erect in the defense of his virtue.' I think that's how it went."

Then a sudden inspiration struck her. "Dolly," she asked, "this may sound like a funny question, but what if you gave the love potion to a gay person?"

"Then the person would become gayer still," Dolly replied. "You're right, that is a funny question."

"No, that's not what I mean," said Francine, gesticulating. "What if you used the potion on a boy who's attracted to other boys?"

"Oh, sweet heavens," said Dolly with disgust. "Such things were unheard of in the New England I came from, but they're dreadfully common in this day."

"I'm serious," said Francine. "Would he fall in love with the first girl he sees, or the first boy?"

"I'm ashamed to admit I don't know," was Dolly's response.

Francine grinned mischievously. "Then what do you say we find out?"

to be continued