Please keep the reviews coming!

Chapter 22

As the blond vampire walked into Buffy's office, Angel immediately stood. Spike was shocked by his Grandsire's appearance. He was much thinner than before, his hair was not gelled, and he looked older. Sadness emanated off him in waves.

"Will." Angel said quietly as he gazed upon his now male Grandchilde. He was still so beautiful. He looked the same except his hair was not slicked back. His locks were loose and somewhat curly and his big beautiful eyes shined brightly. Angel grew uncomfortable with the silence, so he continued to talk. "You look good." Spike had no expression on his face. "I've been looking for you." The blond vampire still did not respond for a time.

Spike eventually spoke. "Maybe I didn't want to be found." His face still was devoid of emotion. Inside, he was screaming.

"That's fair." Angel responded as they continued to gaze at each other. The dark vampire took a step closer to Spike.

"Don't." Spike said with a trembling voice as the facade he had created was starting to fail.

Angel sighed as he lowered his head for a moment. "I need to talk to you, Spike...explain some things...I know it can't necessarily make up for everything." He paused as he saw Spike mull over his comment. "Could I?" Spike nodded because he did not trust his voice.

Spike walked over to Buffy's desk and sat on it; he needed the support. His legs felt like jelly.

The dark vampire finally, after so long, had the opportunity to explain himself. Ironically, now, he did not know where to begin. His voice shook when he willed himself to commence. He ran a hand through his ungelled locks. "I went to Wolfram and Hart..." He abruptly stopped as he mentally kicked himself. "No, I need to start earlier. From the beginning." Angel said almost manically as he wrapped his arms around himself. Spike watched the display and wondered what had happened to Angel since he saw him last.

Angel turned to Spike. "When Dru made you, I was so angry." He chuckled bitterly. "I thought she went off and made herself the first idiot she ran into on the street." Angel saw Spike look away. "But, I soon saw the qualities that made her choose you: your grace and beauty was unparalleled. She unlocked a passion within you." He said quietly as Spike once again turned his eyes back upon him. His eyes appeared to water. "I wanted you so badly, Will. But, I had never been with a man before and well..." He trailed off.

Spike spoke, his voice rough with emotion. "Penn?" He said softly.

Angel shook his head. "It just wasn't done, at least not in our Family. But mostly, I couldn't because of Darla. She saw the attention I paid to you, and she was jealous. She could sense my arousal building every time you walked into a room." Angel seemed lost in his memories. "Many a night, she beat me for lavishing praise upon you." He said softly, the hint of his Irish brogue returning. "I don't think I understood what I felt for ya, and it made me angry." His eyes pleaded with Spike. "I took my frustrations out on you, Will." He shook his head. "Guess I do that a lot."

He sighed and continued. "Wolfram and Hart brought Darla back as human three years ago. I felt guilty for staking my Sire, so I tried to save her." He looked down. "But, I failed. They brought Drusilla and she sired Darla. " Spike's eyes were wide with that revelation, but he still said nothing. "They went on a killing spree through LA. I went crazy, Will. I did some things that are very regrettable." He closed his eyes at the memory of the lawyers in the wine cellar. "I wanted to punish Darla and Dru, so I set them on fire." He looked up at Spike at that moment.

The blond vampire sat up straighter. "Dru showed up in Sunnyhell with burn scars. That was you?" Spike hissed as he saw Angel nod his head.

"Eventually, I lost the will to fight. I alienated my friends and I could not stop Wolfram and Hart or the girls." He paused. "I wanted to lose my Soul, so I slept with Darla. But what happened with Buffy did not occur with Darla. My soul was safe." Angel could feel the tension rising from Spike. Angel knew how the blond felt about Darla. "She left after that. Things got better, but Darla showed up nine months later pregnant with our child." Again, Spike sat stunned.

"He had a Soul and it made Darla more human. She staked herself and Connor was born. I thought this was a reward. He was the most beautiful baby." Angel's voice choked as a tear slid down his cheek. "But, I should have known that my sins always follow me. Do you remember Holtz?" Spike nodded. "He somehow came to this dimension and manipulated a prophecy and my son was stolen by Wesley. He gave Connor to Holtz and they fled to a hell dimension. He was only a few weeks old." Angel had to stop as the memories of that time flooded through him.

Spike could feel the distress and sadness coming from Angel. He had a small urge to comfort him, but he refused to move.

"A few months later, Connor returned through a portal. He had grown to a young man of sixteen. He had survived such a harsh world and he hated me with every ounce of himself. Holtz had returned with him and eventually killed himself and made it look like I did it. Connor was so distraught that he locked me in a coffin and dumped me in the ocean. I was there for three months." Spike's eyes were wide as he realized what that would do to a vampire.

"Wesley saved me, but things only worsened. Connor was self-destructive and full of such hate." He paused. "While you in Sunnydale were fighting the First, we had our own Apocalypse with the Beast and his Master. They maneuvered and manipulated Cordelia and Connor. But, we prevailed. We had stopped a brainwashing Goddess and Wolfram and Hart came back into the picture and actually congratulated us for ending World Peace!" The absurdity of the situation hit him as he started to pace again. "They offered us the keys to the Palace. Why would I ever take it?" His voice quieted again. "H-He was going to kill himself and Cordelia. To save Connor, I took the deal with Wolfram and Hart. They gave him a new life, new memories, and wiped the memory of him from everyone."

Spike finally spoke. "Even your friends?" Angel nodded.

"I thought it was the only way. So, I made a deal with the devil and dragged my friends into it to save my son." He looked at Spike with tear filled eyes. "You should have seen him with his new family. He was happy, adjusted, and going to college. The deal gave him everything I couldn't." His voice became a whisper.

"There are always consequences to magic." Spike stated after some time. He had not moved any closer to Angel.

"I know..." Angel agreed with his head hung low. "I thought I could handle it. Fight from inside of the belly of the beast. Isn't that what you said?" He chuckled. "We were doing fine for a time, but I began to feel like I was getting swallowed whole. We were compromising our ethics and our mission for evil clients. And it was all my fault." He looked directly at Spike. "The only bright spot was you." Spike looked away.

"I dreamt that Cordelia came to me before she died. She told me that I was off track and she would help me find my way. I didn't understand what she meant at the time. After that, you changed into a woman and you were sick. I was so worried about you, Will. And after you improved, what we shared was so precious to me. I was so happy that if I could lose my Soul, I would have." He stopped when he saw Spike's cheek tremble.

The blond finally spoke. "Do you think that makes me feel good? You're such a bastard, Angel!" He began to pace. "The only reason why you were with me is because I reminded you of all your blond birds! So tell me, was I more like Buffy or Darla?"

"That's not true, Spike!" Angel implored. Spike snorted and turned away. "I've always cared for you..."

"Yeah, and the only time you showed it was when I was in the perfect, convenient package for you." His voice was full of venom. "Admit it, you loved looking like the big hero, swoopin' in and savin' the damsel in distress! Because let me tell ya, Angel, I'd been in trouble before and I didn't see you helpin' then! Just FUCKIN' admit it! You care too much what those around you think. Can't have the mighty Angelus lookin' like a big homo, RIGHT?" His eyes burned yellow.

Angel stood there nearly speechless. "I-I..." He shook his head. "I don't know..."

Spike covered his face with his hands and rubbed roughly at his eyes to will the wetness threatening to fall away. His voice was quiet. "Why...then...why were you acting like you were? I thought it was me..."

Angel's eyes burned with conviction. "No, Will. Don't ever think that! It wasn't you." He paused. "One night while I asleep, I had a vision. I think it was a last message from Cordelia. It scared me so much, Spike. It foretold of a big Battle and...and..." Angel could barely continue. "It showed me the images of true evil; but, it also showed me that everyone around me would fall." He looked at Spike to see if he understood. "If I didn't get away from Wolfram and Hart, all my friends would die. Including you, Will. I couldn't risk it."

"I-I don't understand." Spike stated.

"I felt that I was being watched at all times. By Hamilton, by others. I wanted them to think I relished the role of CEO; I was trying to get close to bring them down a notch. And I was hoping to alienate all of you, so you would leave. I saw no other way to keep you all safe."

"You could have talked to us." Spike said with some anger in his voice.

"And what? I know you. You would have stayed on to help fight tooth and nail."

"Well, it would have at least been my choice. So, am I supposed to be happy that you treated me like shit for a such noble cause!"

"I know I was an asshole. The more I played the role, the closer I got to try to bring them down. Sometimes I didn't know where it ended. I am so sorry how I treated you, Will."

"No, don't WILL me!" Spike fired back. "You did what you had to, right? Damned the consequences! You always do this, Angel. You choose the road to travel and drag everyone else behind you. You make the 'hard choice' for everyone, don't you? You think you're friends wouldn't have understood about Connor? Instead you dive in head first and make the choice for everyone around you! And you call me impulsive!" Spike shook his head. "It's your way or the highway!" He breathed heavily to regain his composure. "What we do contains risk, Angel. We all know that." A few tears fell from his eyes. "If you loved me, you could have shared your burden with me. I thought I finally could trust you. You were everything to me..." He lowered his head. "I just wanted your love, Sire."

"I do love you, Spike!" Angel stepped closer to him.

"I don't know how to believe you anymore." The blond said sadly. The silence in the room was stifling.

Spike took a deep breath and looked up at Angel. His voice was cool and calm, very businesslike. "What happened at Wolfram and Hart then?"

Angel understood that their previous discussion was over for now. He hesitated and then replied. "I infiltrated a secret society called the 'Black Thorn.' They are vessels for the Senior Partners on earth. I was able to take a few of them down covertly. I pissed Wesley, Fred, and Lorne off so much by then that they had left. Gunn was still there and I had him pour over the contract that I had signed. He found a much hidden clause and we left the firm. That was six months ago."

Spike looked at Angel. Once again no expression on his face. "Where are the others?"

"Gunn retained his lawyer upgrade and is helping the less fortunate in LA now."

"Does he know?"

"Yes, towards the end, I told him everything. I knew he was my only shot to get us released from our contracts."

"The others?"

"I think Fred and Wes are traveling. Gunn told them what happened, but I haven't really talked to them. Lorne reopened his club, but we're not really talking either." Angel lowered his head. "I spent a few months in hiding, because I was not sure if the Senior Partners would simply accept us walking away. After that time, I started looking for you."

Spike said quietly as he ignored the last statement. "Your son?"

"When the contracts were voided, all the memories flooded back to everyone. I met briefly with Connor. Some hurt feelings we there, but he ultimately appreciated what I did for him. He is going to stay with his family...where he belongs."

"Well, guess everyone is safe as houses then, eh? Job well done." He nodded his head and turned towards the door.

Angel ran after him. "Spike wait!" He put his hand on the blond's shoulder.

Spike shoved Angel's hand off his arm. "Don't touch me!" Spike briefly morphed into game-face. "What did you think, Angel? That you'd show up and all would be well? You must think I'm stupid!"

"I don't, Spike."

"I've had enough of 'kick the Spike'. I won't do it again. How can I trust you? It may have all been a charade, but it still hurt." Spike's eyes watered. "I've loved you all my unlife. And for most of it, all you showed me was disdain and annoyance. Guess you threw me a crumb for a bit...but then what? You treated me like shit all over again."

"I know..." Angel felt so shamed.

"No, you don't know. You showed me shades of Crazy Angelus, and that scared me. How do I know it won't happen again? I can't risk that. I can't ever risk my heart with you again."

"I love you, Spike."

"What is your definition of love? Pain? Suffering? Heartache? I've done this too many times. I can't be love's bitch anymore. Not with you...not with anybody." Spike's voice choked.

"I know I don't deserve it, but I just want the chance to start over. Even if it's just as friends." Angel pleaded with his Grandchilde.

"You know as well as I do that we can never be friends. Or, don't you remember what I told you and Buffy." His eyes grew cold. "And I was right then, too."

Angel sighed. He knew his efforts were fruitless right now. "Buffy offered me a job here and a place to stay." He could not look Spike in the eye.

Spike snorted and chuckled bitterly. "Of course she did," he mumbled under his breath. "Do what you want, Angel. I ain't your keeper." And with a cold tone of voice he said, "Just stay the hell away from me." He turned and calmly walked out of the office.

From Lover's Walk: BTVS Season 3:

"You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both.

You'll fight and you'll shag.

You'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.

Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work it's will.

I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it."

TBC...