(Author's Note: This is a really short chapter, sorry! I'll add more as I find more weird hiccup cures. Suggestions welcome.)

CHAPTER TWO:

The Reason Why Jin's a Samurai and Not a Doctor

"Really? Hic. I get to eat an entire spoon of sugar?"

"Yep."

Mugen's eyes shone. Obviously, he thought he was getting a good deal.

They were standing beside a small pond, because, Mugen had insisted, drinking water was the best way to cure hiccups. He'd drunk plenty (the only reason he'd stopped is that he'd accidentally swallowed a small, live fish, whole) and so far was hiccupping just as bad as before. At this point Jin had interjected with about eight different home remedies which all seemed to involve eating something. Fuu wasn't enthusiastic about sharing the meager supplies she was carrying with her. Then again, Mugen's constant hiccupping was grating on her nerves, so she'd agreed to try some of Jin's ideas. He guaranteed they would all work.

"This is so—hic—cool!" he said, as Fuu handed him a spoon. He put it in his mouth and immediately spit it out with several loud, squeaky, indignant hiccups. "That's—hic—salt!" he cried.

"Well, yeah," said Fuu. "We didn't think you'd take it if we told you it was really salt."

Mugen hiccupped with rage.

"Okay, okay, we'll try sugar." Mugen watched her carefully as she poured him another spoonful—this time, with real sugar. He took it happily, munching it like a horse.

"Hey! I think it work—hic. Never mind."

"Try salt again," said Jin.

"No!" whined Mugen as Fuu poured out another spoonful.

"You know, I don't have an unlimited supply," said Fuu. "Can't you think of a way to shut him up without using all my stuff?"

"It would've worked the first time if Mugen hadn't spit it all out," said Jin defensively.

Mugen took the salt grudgingly and ate it, gagging and hiccupping at the same time. "Why couldn't I—hic—have the sugar last?" he asked, grabbing Jin's sleeve and wiping his tongue on it. Jin yanked his clothes away crossly.

"Any other bright ideas?"

"Peanut butter."

"We don't have any."

"Lemons."

"We don't have any."

"Hot tea."

"I have some leaves."

"Let's try that."

Mugen sat on the ground hiccupping miserably while Jin gave him a long and boring lecture about how one prepares tea the "right" way. Fuu covered her ears and tried to block out Mugen's annoying squeaks.

Several minutes later, Mugen accepted a cup of steaming tea from Jin. He sipped it gratefully and spit it out even faster than the salt, spraying Jin in it.

"This is—hic—disgusting!" he shrieked.

"It would work, if you'd stop spitting it all out!" snapped Jin, yanking off his glasses to wipe them on his kimono.

"Hic. What'd you do, hic, poison it?"

"Drink it! It's good for you!"

"Hic! I'd rather—hic—die!"

"Stop being such a baby! It can't possibly be that bad!" Fuu took the cup and sipped it. She sprayed Jin in it too. "EWW. Jin, this is totally gross!"

"It's herbal tea!" said Jin, wringing out his soggy ponytail.

"It's a weapon of mass destruction, if you want my opinion," said Fuu. She dumped the rest of the tea in the algae-ridden pond beside them. As much as she hated Mugen, she thought it would just be cruel to force him to drink the rest of the tea. A few fish floated to the surface of the water.

Mugen and Fuu stared at Jin.

"Oh—come on! It wasn't that bad!"

"Hic. I notice you didn't—hic—drink any yourself!"

Jin glared at Mugen over the top of his glasses, and then said, "Fine. I have another idea. I need ginger root, a paper bag, something bitter, and a live toad."

While Mugen hiccupped his protests, Fuu went crashing into the forest to find everything Jin had asked for. She hoped that, by the time she found it, Mugen's hiccups would be gone. But when she returned, at sunset, he was still hiccupping bitterly.

"Did you get it all?" asked Jin.

"Yeah… I got a lot of stuff," said Fuu, handing Jin a sack of items.

"Where did you—hic—find peanut butter and—hic—vinegar in the—hic—forest?" asked Mugen skeptically, as Jin began pulling things from the bag.

"There's a Wal-Mart down the road."

"Oh. That's—hic—convenient."

"There aren't any Wal-Marts in feudal Japan," said Jin.

"Shut up. It advances the plot."

Following Fuu's very wise advice, Jin decided to ignore the idiocy of the situation and focus on ridding Mugen of his hiccups.

"Did it work?" he asked eagerly, as Mugen sucked a lemon.

"Hic," said Mugen.

"Are they gone?" he asked, as Mugen gargled vinegar.

"Hic," said Mugen.

"How about now?" he asked, as Mugen ate peanut butter.

"Mmpphhic," said Mugen.

After that, Mugen ate ginger root, put his fingers in his ears, breathed into a paper bag, and put the toad in his mouth for a full minute. Nothing worked.

He spit out the toad, watched it hop away, and hiccupped sadly.

"I'm—hic—screwed," said Mugen miserably.

"You just need a good jolt to your system!" said Jin optimistically.

"I'm not putting—hic—any more stuff—hic—in my mouth."

"I have more ideas."

Several seconds later, Mugen was balancing on his head, wobbling dangerously every time he hiccupped. "How long—hic—do I have to stay like this?"

"A few minutes," said Jin, crouching in front of Mugen and staring into his upside-down face. "You can't have hiccups forever."

A few minutes later, Mugen was still upside-down, and still hiccupping.

"Maybe we should feed him salt while he's on his head."

Mugen crashed to the ground with a massive hiccup.

He held his breath while Fuu and Jin discussed more ideas.

"We could scare him," suggested Fuu.

"Nothing'll—hic—scare me," said Mugen bravely.

"What about Jin naked? Would that scare you?"

"What!" cried Mugen in horror. Fuu knew he was genuinely horrified because he had a fit of rapid hiccupping. "No!" he managed to cry out.

Jin scowled.

Mugen hiccupped so rapidly he had to clutch at a stitch in his side. "Are—hic—you—hic—crazy?" he gasped out.

"That's a stupid idea," grumbled Jin.

"You only—hic—are—hic—l—hic—looking for—hic—an excuse—hic—to s—hic—see J—hic—Jin—hic—hic—hic—" sputtered Mugen.

"No, I'm not!"

"Hic!" cried Mugen in reply.

"Maybe instead of scaring him," said Jin quickly, trying to change the conversation, "we can just deliver a jolt to his system, like I mentioned earlier."

Without any other ideas, Mugen stood with his back bared to Jin, eyes tightly closed, while Jin gripped his sword.

"On three, okay?" said Jin. "One… two…" He swung his sword and smashed Mugen on the back of his head with the flat of the blade, following quickly with a blow to his back. Mugen went flying; he slid face-first into the ground and lay motionless for a moment before saying, "Hic."

"That was on two," said Fuu accusingly, surveying Mugen's lifeless body.

"It wouldn't be a jolt if he wasn't surprised by it."

"I don't understand how hitting him was supposed to get rid of the hiccups."

Jin shrugged. "Actually I made that up. I just always wanted to hit him."