(Author's Note: A long chapter. I'm sorry it had to end so soon. Maybe I'll do some follow-ups on this… "Mugen Gets Gas" or something of the like.
To Far Strider: Your review made me laugh. Do you REALLY think I'm THAT predictable? Ugh! I considered having Jin amuse people with stand-up comedy for about two seconds before I got sick with myself and realized what a TERRIBLE formulaic approach that was. Instead I tried something a bit weirder. I hope it worked. XD )
CHAPTER SEVEN
They expected to see Jin slashing like a madman in the midst of dozens of people: a dramatic scene of heroism and adversity and courage and conviction against the odds!
Instead, they saw several dozen people standing around looking puzzled.
"What's going on?" whispered Fuu. She didn't want to call attention to them, yet didn't want to leave without Jin.
"I don't—hic—know," whispered Mugen back.
"I can't believe this! Duped by the oldest trick in the book!" said one of the guards. He was waving something around. Fuu squinted. It looked a lot like… but no, it couldn't be…
There was another wave of sounds: people screaming and swords clanging and indistinct shouts and murmurs and crashing. It was a battle, exactly like the one Fuu and Mugen had heard. But no one was fighting. They were all just… standing there.
Fuu had to clamp her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing. "It's a tape recorder!" she whispered. "Jin left a tape recorder out and they followed the sound. That's brilliant!"
Mugen scowled. "He's not so—hic—smart."
"Come on," whispered Fuu. "Let's go before they notice us."
"I can't believe we fell for the tape recorder trick!" griped the guard.
"Well, it's not our fault, chief," said a man with a scar down his face. "We weren't expecting it. After all, there's no tape recorders in feudal Japan."
"That's true," agreed the leader. "But still… we should have known they'd try something like this. We all know Mugen is shrewd." He tapped his head.
Mugen stopped, mid-way through closing the door. He grabbed Fuu's sleeve and pulled her back.
"Mugen!" she hissed. "We have to find the real Jin!"
"Oh, yeah, I'm not saying Mugen's not smart," drawled the other man. "But—"
There was a slashing sound of steel grating on bone, followed by screams of, "my arm, my arm!"
"Anyone know how to turn this off?"
"No!" chorused all the guards in unison.
"Mugen, come on!" whispered Fuu urgently. She knew the longer they stood there in the doorway, the more likely the guards would turn away from the tape recorder and see them.
"But I—hic—know all these people!" whispered Mugen excitedly. "And they're—hic—saying I'm smart!"
"They want to kill you!"
"Boy, I sure can't wait to kill Mugen," said one of the guards, banging the tape recorder on the heel of his hand, trying to dislodge the batteries.
"Oh, yeah, I can't wait either. Remember that time his phone went off at the movies?"
"That was awful!"
"AAAA—" screamed the tape. There was a series of sword-swishing sounds, a sudden pause, and then Jin's monotone voice: "Please turn tape over to side B."
"Oh… I guess it stopped itself," said the leader. "We better go back to our posts, then."
"Aw, that girl isn't going anywhere. She's all tied up."
"You imbecile, Mugen is in this building right now looking for her! We can't afford to leave her all—"
"I'm a survivor… I'm not gon' give up…"
Every head in the immediate vicinity, including Fuu's, turned to stare at Mugen.
His pants were singing.
"Hic," he said apologetically, fishing into the pocket of his shorts while the music continued to play ("If I surround myself… with positive things… I'll gain pros-per-i-teee…"). He pulled out a cell phone and answered it, while the guards' faces knotted into expressions of deepest loathing. "Hello? Hic? If this is MCI, I don't—hic—want your stupid—hic—long-distance plan… oh. Hi, hic, Jin. Where are—hic—you? Oh. Hic. Me and Fuu are—hic—in a room with—hic—about twenty-five—hic—people. Yeah. We—hic—followed the sound—hic—because we thought—hic—you were in trouble. …no, I don't—hic—care about you. Hic. No! Look, I didn't know—hic—it was a dupe! …I know you said it was—hic—a distract—hic—a distraction, but I thought—hic—you'd actually be—hic—doing something instead of—hic—hey! Don't yell at me!"
He covered the mouthpiece. "Fuu, do you wanna—hic—say hi to—hic—Jin?"
She stared at him in disbelief. "Mugen, there's like fifty people who want to kill you for being a jerk. And you're being a jerk right now."
He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Hello, Jin? Hic. I can't really talk. Hic. I'm using my—hic—anytime minutes. And I think—hic—I'm roaming."
"No, no, Mugen. You're not roaming. I'm ronin," came Jin's voice from the phone. Fuu heard him laughing at the horrible pun when Mugen hung up.
Fuu buried her face in her hands. Every man in the room drew his sword. Mugen pulled his own.
"Mugen, for pete's sake, you're being stupid. You can't take them all on."
"Oh, yeah?" began Mugen.
"Yeah!" yelled Fuu. Fed up, she grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him from the room. The second they'd stepped into the hall, she let go of him and began running. Mugen ran after her grudgingly, his sword still with him, their enemies in hot pursuit.
"Where's…Jin?" panted Fuu, skidding to a stop and running down another corridor.
"He said—hic—he's in—hic—the basement—hic—in the second —hic—room—hic—on the right!"
"Then let's take that door," she said, pointing to a door labeled "BASEMENT."
"Sort of—hic—convenient how that just—hic—appeared out of nowhere," said Mugen thoughtfully.
"Yeah… it wasn't there before… well, never mind. It advances the plot." Fuu wrenched open the door labeled "BASEMENT" and went running down the steep, dark stairs. Mugen didn't bother; he jumped onto the handrail and slid down it, wobbling like an amateur surfer.
"Go! Go!" gasped Fuu, hearing the thundering footsteps of people coming after them on the stairs. She yanked open a door; several mops fell onto her head. She shrieked with surprise.
"He said second—hic—door!" yelled Mugen. He opened the door after Fuu's. A man jumped out at him with a "ha!" of triumph. Mugen squealed and slashed him across the face, tossing him back in and slamming the door shut.
"On the right!" yelled Fuu.
They opened the right door and tumbled in on top of each other, kicking it closed from their heap on the floor.
Jin was leaning against the wall in a chair, warming his feet by a small fire, seemingly unconcerned with the dark sliminess of his surroundings. He licked a finger and turned the page of the book he was reading.
"Hello."
"Jin!" hissed Fuu. "You've been down here reading a joke book while Mugen and I almost got killed because you didn't tell us your 'battle' was actually on a tape and we followed it and then you called Mugen's cell phone and called attention to us and we nearly got killed?"
"Sorry," said Jin with a shrug. He pushed up his glasses and rubbed his face with a sleepy yawn. "I also learned to juggle. Watch." He hummed drowsily while he juggled his swords. "Dee-dee, deedeedeedeedee, dee-dee, dee-dee…"
"Jin! You'll put an eye out! And this isn't the time for jokes!"
"Sure it is. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?"
"Jin!"
"Come on... guess…"
Fuu grabbed his arm to stop his juggling and dragged him toward the door. She peeked through a crack in the wood. "As soon as it's clear, we've got to escape."
"Guess!" insisted Jin.
"I don't know, Jin…"
"'Make me one with everything.' Get it?"
Fuu groaned. She grabbed Mugen and Jin's arms, kicked open the door, and went hurrying quietly up the stairs.
"Let's just find a window or a door or something, before one of those people finds us," she whispered. "I think most of them are in the basement, still looking, so unless one of us calls attention to ourselves, we should be completely—"
"HIC," said Mugen.
"HE'S UPSTAIRS!" shouted all the men in the basement. There was a stampede for the stairs.
"Crap," said Fuu.
"GET THEM!" came the cry from downstairs. The three turned and ran again as a swarm of people came over the top of the stairs and surged toward them.
"SPLIT UP!" yelled Fuu.
She, Jin, and Mugen took separate doors and slammed them shut just as Akio and Asa hurried into the hall.
Akio pointed to one door, then another. Asa nodded and smiled.
Akio yanked open his door; Asa yanked opened another; both disappeared.
Jin came out Mugen's door. "Mine just led into a passageway, I don't know about… hello?"
He opened Fuu's door and walked in as Asa came out Akio's. He paused and scratched his head, then tried Mugen's door. Mugen and Fuu both poked their heads out opposite doors.
"Mugen?"
"Fuu?"
"Jin?" said Jin.
"This place is like a stupid maze," grumbled Fuu. She closed her door. Jin crossed the hall and opened it, only to find Akio.
"Eek!" they both yelled, slashing with their swords and slamming the door shut. Asa poked his head out.
"I heard a yell?"
"What?" asked Fuu. "Oh!" She slammed the door shut. Asa hurried after her. Fuu came out Mugen's door, with Mugen in tow.
"Qu—hic—ick! In here!" said Mugen urgently, opening a fourth door.
"I'm not going in there with you!" she cried.
"Shut up, hic, Fuu!" He grabbed her and the two disappeared as Akio came out the same door he'd just gone in. Asa came out the door next to his.
"Why did we decide to put our secret ex-pirate headquarters here again?" asked Akio.
"Beats me," said Asa. "We lost like five people last week."
"Didn't we send a search party?"
"They never returned," said Asa gravely, hanging his (or her) head.
"Hmm."
Both of their heads turned as the sound of moaning from Fuu and Mugen's most recent door.
Akio smiled and pulled his sword. "I'll get them. You go after the third one."
Asa nodded and tried another door. Akio jumped into Fuu and Mugen's door, slamming it quickly behind him.
Jin came out Asa's door. "Hello? Fuu? Mugen?"
"Right—hic—here," said Mugen. Both heads turned toward Mugen and Fuu's door, where the moaning was coming from. "Wait. If I'm—hic—out here… and she's—hic—in there…?"
Jin pulled open the door. "Eww. Fuu!"
"What the—!" cried Akio and Fuu at the same time, jerking away and staring at each other in horror. "You're not Jin!"
"That's Jin's cue to exit," said Jin. "Good-bye." He swept back down the hall.
"Gross," grumbled Mugen with a hiccup. He slammed the door shut on Fuu.
"Wait! Wait!" squealed Fuu, squeezing out through the door and managing to slam it on Akio's fingers. "Where'd Jin go?"
"He went—hic—back that way." Mugen pointed, just as Jin, trailing at least nine people, came scurrying back toward them.
"Other way! Other way!" he yelled. Mugen and Fuu both sprinted away, followed by Jin and the mob.
Asa came out Fuu's door. "That one just led to a bathroom—" His (or her) eyes widened at the advancing mob, which promptly flattened him (or her).
"HEY!" yelled Akio, pounding from inside his door. "LET ME OUT OF HERE!"
The ex-pirates were too excited to obey their leader. They ran after their prey, waving their blades.
Fuu glanced behind her and wished she hadn't. There must have been a million of them, and they were advancing. Jin was just barely ahead of them… any moment now they'd get him…
Jin disappeared in the crowd. Fuu turned away, lowering her head as she ran. Then she realized he'd somehow reappeared by her side.
"How'd… you… catch… up?" she panted, gathering up her kimono as they hurried up a flight of stairs.
"Shut up. It advances the plot," said Jin.
"Hey! That's my line!"
"SHUT UP AND—hic—RUUUN!" yelled Mugen.
Following his advice, they wound their way through the dusty, maze-like building. Jin wrenched open a door, saw a guard, slashed his face, and slammed the door. "Wrong door!"
Fuu yanked open the one across the hall, saw a guard, and slammed it shut. A fraction of a second later they heard a dull "thud" from the outside, like a sword hitting the wood where Fuu's head had been. "Wrong door again! God, I hate this place!"
Mugen yanked opened a door. "CLEAR!" he barked. The three tumbled in and slammed it behind them.
It was empty except for a chair in the middle and some ropes lying around.
"You imbeciles! You took me back to the exact same place where we started!" yelled Fuu. "Some rescuers you are!" She whipped around and pointed to Mugen. "I had no idea you had so many enemies!"
"Yeah… hic… well… they're probably just—hic—jealous of my—hic—good looks."
"Window," said Jin, ignoring their bickering.
"There's no window, Jin."
"Yes, there is." Jin strode over to the wall and yanked up a shade. It had been so dusty, it hadn't looked like a window at all; it had blended it perfectly with the rest of the wall. When it flapped up, a cloud of dust filled the room. They all coughed and blinked in the sudden sunlight, while ex-pirates banged on the door, trying to get in.
"Ladies—hic—first!" said Mugen.
"What!" shrieked Fuu, looking out the window and seeing how far down it was.
"I was talking—hic—to Jin."
Jin scowled. "When we're on the ground again, I'll kill you," he promised, before springing onto the windowsill and jumping out.
Mugen jumped after him.
Fuu hesitated, and then followed.
"Umph, hic," said Mugen, landing on Jin.
"Oomph," said Fuu, landing on Mugen.
"Ow," said Jin, who had been flattened into the ground like a pancake.
They untangled themselves and went pelting across the field. Faces appeared in the window, but none of the people shouting at them were willing to risk the jump; they disappeared again, to take the long way down. By then, though, Jin, Mugen, and Fuu had cut through the city and were back on the road, laughing and cheering and congratulating each other.
"Woo—hic—hoo!" Mugen applauded himself. "That was—hic—great! It takes more than—hic—a crazy building—hic—and a lame trap—hic—to get me!"
"We escaped!" said Jin. "This calls for a joke…"
"No! Hic! No! Anything but—hic—that!"
"Why don't Buddhists vacuum in corners? Because they don't have any attachments."
Mugen ran a hand over his face, groaning and hiccupping.
"You saved me!" cried Fuu gratefully. "You came to rescue me! You actually saved me! I thought you were a selfish pig but—oh, Mugen, you really care!" She stood on the tip-toe of one foot, threw an arm swiftly around his neck, and pecked him of the cheek. Mugen turned deep red. Jin froze and his jaw dropped.
"Erm…" Fuu pulled away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry."
Mugen reached up and gingerly touched the place where she'd kissed him, looking shocked. "Hey… Fuu… look. Don't get any crazy ideas. I didn't want to rescue you. I just… you know… had to. I don't think you're hot or anything," he said awkwardly.
"No, of course you—Mugen!"
"What?"
"Your hiccups! They're gone!"
"Huh?" Mugen cocked his head and waited a moment, but no hiccups came. His face broke into a wide smile. He laughed.
"You're right! I don't have the hiccups anymore! Fuu, you…" He grinned to express his gratitude. "You did it! Man, that's insane." He laughed again. "And look… you completely messed Jin up!"
Fuu giggled as well; Jin was still standing there with his mouth hanging open. "I'm sorry Jin. I was just really happy to be saved…"
"Yo, Jin, snap out of it!" said Mugen, clicking his fingers in front of Jin's face. "Talk to us, man!"
"Jin! Say something!" cried Fuu.
"Hic," said Jin.
THE END