The Muppet Show Revamped!
Ready for ANOTHER change of pace! It's chapter 2! Watch Ash harrass Misty outside the balcony, Dr. Zoidberg dressed in leaves and bones, and Homsar go crazy with curtains! I'm using a few of the suggestions left by Sebastian1, more in the next chapter than this one (I've got every chapter planned out on paper), thank you Sebastian!
Sliding back onstage after the theme song, Misty bowed to her plentiful audience. "Thank you, thank you, you can stop your applause now." She waited; the applause died rather quickly. "Yeah, just shut up right away. Thanks alot. I'm sorry to say that our dear Captain can't come out and host right now, as he is still recovering."
"Recovering from what?" Ash asked from the balcony.
"Probably over-exposure to bad acting," Mandy quipped.
"Or bad exposure to over-acting!" Ash counterred, breaking out in a spirited laugh.
Misty shook a threatening fist at Ash. "I swear, Ashy-poo, if you weren't my boyfriend, you'd be so dead-"
"PI-PI!" (MISTY!)
Without warning, Misty was suddenly tackled by Ash's Pikachu, who grappled her around the neck and began showering her with kisses. "Pika pika pi pi pikachu pikapika pi kachu pika pika chu, Pi-Pi!" (You just disappeared on us, and I was so worried about you, Misty!)
Amidst the laughter of the audience, Misty began to blush and push Pikachu away. "Ash, what's your Pikachu doing here! Come and get her!"
Ash shouted into Misty's ear, "HI, MISTY!"
"WAH!" Misty, out of fear, grappled Pikachu to her chest. "How'd you get down here so fast!"
"I'm a cartoon, what'd you expect?" Ash plucked Pikachu off of Misty's chest and began snuggling the troublesome Pokemon. "Aw, is dah widdle Pikachu missin' her ma-ma?"
Misty's jaw hit the ground. "I AM NOT THAT PIKACHU'S 'MA-MA'!"
Pikachu's eyes got dewey, and her lip began to quiver. Ash snuggled her under his chin and stroked her while cooing, "Aw, is Ma-Ma een a bad mood, Pikachu?"
"STOP CALLING ME 'MA-MA'! I AM NOT THAT PIKACHU'S 'MA-MA'!"
"That's not what the tests said."
The crowd ate it up. Misty looked ready to explode, and Ash tried hard not to burst out laughing. "We (snicker) we gotta go soon Pikachu. Ma-Ma, say goodbye!"
"NO!" Misty screeched.
"Aw, come on, say goodbye!"
"No!"
"Say bye-"
"No-"
"Just a quic-"
"No!"
"Come on, say i-"
"No!"
"Say 'oody-boo-boo-boo'."
The half the audience fell out of their chairs laughing. Misty's eyes snapped open as wide as an anime character's could. "WHAT!"
"Come on, say 'oody-boo-boo-boo'!" The dark-haired one eskimo-kissed Pikachu, but continued talking to Misty. "Just give dah bay-by one widdle 'oody-boo-boo-boo'!" He held Pikachu by the armpits in front of Misty's nose. "Oody-boo-boo-boo!"
Misty's entire face wrinkled into the nastiest picture you could imagine. "Oody-boo-boo-boo, NOW WILL YOU GET OFF THE STAGE!"
Ash turned away from the crowd, his face bright red (and his lungs about to burst from withheld laughter). After regaining his composure, he patted Pikachu's head again. "Okay, Pikachu, say good-bye to Ma-Ma now. Say 'bye-bye'!"
"Pi chu!" squeaked Pikachu.
&&&
Ash carted Pikachu off the stage, passing Captain, Jack, and Lois in the back room. They were all about to collaspe from laughter.
"Ooby-boo- what the he-" Jack just managed to whistle out before he fell back into his evil-sounding laugh.
Ash grinned in triumph. "I'll be in the balcony."
&&&
The Eclectic Bedlam, aka Strong Bad, Strong Mad, Strong Sad, Homestar, and The Cheat, all appeared in barbershop quartet outfits as the curtain opened, Strong Mad and Strong Sad looking particularly ridiculous in their red pin-stripe suits and hats. After a quick musical intro, the group began to dance.
Group: Another op'ning, another show
In Philly, Boston, or Baltimo',
A chance for stagehands to say-
Homsar's head poked out from the side-stage.
Homsar: Hello!
There was the sound of a rope snapping, and suddenly-
SMOOFMPH! The curtain slammed shut!
Group: Another op'ning of another show!
Strong Bad wiggled through the thick velvet, waving his boxing gloves around in a feeble attempt to grab the audience's attention.
Strong Bad: Another job that you hope at last-
By now, the rest of the Eclectic Bedlam had found there way back to the foreground.
Group: Will make your future, forget-
SMOOFMPH! There went another curtain! The five "men" struggled to wiggle past the now-blue velvet.
Group: You past. Another pain where the ulcers grow
Another op'ning of another show.
SMOOFMPH!
Homestar popped to the front first.
Homestar: Four weeks, you rehearse and rehearse-
SMOOFMPH!
Strong Sad gave up trying and sang through the curtain, although barely audible.
Strong Sad: Three weeks, and it couldn't be worse.
SMOOFMPH!
Once again, Strong Bad bounced through the curtain, this time tripping over his foot and falling onto the floor.
Strong Bad: Two weeks, WILL IT EVER BE RIGHT!
Group: And out of the hat, it's the big first night!
SMOOFMPH!
Group: The overture is about to start-
SMOOFMPH!
Group: You cross your fingers, and hold your heart.
It's curtain time, and away we go:
Overjoyed that the curtain hadn't shut on them yet, the Eclectic Bedlam began to really belt out the notes.
Group: Another op'ning of- Another op'ning of annoooootheeeeer shooooooooooow!
SMOOFMPH! Right on their heads! Strong Sad could be heard moaning, "Well, at least the sandbags didn't drop like in rehearsal."
&&&
"What happened back here-"
Captain was met backstage by the sight of Homsar and Bubs tangled within the curtain ropes.
The Gundam shook his head. "Forget I asked."
&&&
"You know, I really liked that..."
Mandy nodded to Ash's statement. "Me too."
"Are we in the right theatre?"
Ash broke out into a strong belly-laugh.
&&&
Penny Proud took the stage, dimming the house lights and adjusting the microphone to her height. "Raven, a parody of Edgar Allen Poe."
"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over a many magazine I had forgotten on the floor-
While I nodding, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'It's the pizza that I called rapping at my bedroom door,
Only this and nothing more.'
The mood inside my room came tenser, the air around my nose came denser,
The smell of dollar store perfume that I had never smelled before.
'Twas Raven Baxter down the hall; I never talked to her at all,
And now she had come up to my bedroom, knocking on my painted door.
'Just need sugar, nothing more.'"
The audience chuckled a bit. Penny got an evil look in her eye.
"'If you need sugar, I decree, why did you want it all from me?
Go back to your Dollar Store and buy yourself some sweets galore.
Although I suggest something better; you're fittin' tight inside your sweater.
Maybe eat some Lean Cuisine so you can fit back out the door.
Don't eat those Hostess cakes no more.'"
There was a mixed reaction; some people burst out laughing, some booed with disdain, and one particular voice cried out above the rest, "RAVEN'S NOT FAT!"
Penny Proud tossed back her hair.
"Raven said, 'Alright I give, for the only reason that I live
Is to borrow, if I may, some of your great talent galore.
Mine's underfed and overdone. In truth, in fact, I do have none
And-'"
"BOO!" the audience (even those who laughed before) were now appalled by Penny's big-headed, shameless re-write of the classic poem. Rotten tomatoes and spoiled fish flew from the seats and began pelting Penny in the face, forcing the girl to retreat from stage.
&&&
Captain called to Penny as she ran past, "That's what you get for bad-mouthing Disney!"
Lois calmly watched as Penny ran to her dressing room crying, taking Jack's usual place beside Captain. "Hmph. Now there's the pot calling the kettle black if I've ever seen it."
Captain twitched exaggeratedly and "sshhh"ed the red-headed one. "Lois, no! We'll make the Proud Family fans mad!"
Dexter popped out from underneath Captain's desk. "Hey, Captain, since Penny's been booed, can I go on now?"
"Oh, Captain," Lois smiled, waving off the comment. "This is a humor fanfiction in the 'Cartoon Crossovers' section. These are not the type of people who get overly-offended by this kind of thing."
Dexter tugged on Jack's pant leg. "Can I go on now?"
"Then..." Captain drummed his fingers quickly. "Where are all those people?"
"On the message boards at that TV website, remember?"Lois patted Captain's back. "Besides, those kinds of small-minded flame-happy types always leave anonymous reviews. They can be deleted from your account after you log in."
"Can I go on now?"
"Yes, you can go on now! Just hurry!" After Dexter left, Captain put his head back down again and sighed. "We're gonna make a lot of people mad."
"No, that's Tom Cruise's job."
&&&
The Eclectic Bedlam played Dexter's intro again as the tiny boy shuffled onstage... in a top hat and cape. "Thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I am now going to be entertaining you with the-" (he pulled his cape over his face like Dracula) "-mysterious powers of MAGIC!"
With a flap of his cape and a fake thunderclap, Dexter pulled a magic wand out of his sleeve, tapped his hat, and-
Our fell a nun's habit.
"Uh..." Dexter put his hat back on. "That was supposed to happen. Okay! Now, somebody, pick a card out of my hand-"
The cards flew out of Dexter's sleeve with the force of a hurricane. The tiny boy, propelled up by the card, kept getting farther and farther and farther up until he was out of the theatre...
But then he fell back down, landing on his glasses. He wiggled back to his feet, his voice warbled and his eyes spinning. "That was supposed to happen..." He began to wave his hands. "And now I will make my lovely assistant disappear..."
He snapped his fingers. POOF!
He was gone.
"Wow, a hat trick," Mandy droned.
Ash wanted to laugh, but didn't know what to laugh at. "Huh?"
&&&
Captain walked back onstage, his arm in a sling. "Hi-ho, everyone! I hope you're enjoying the show so far!"
The audience welcomed him back onstage with their cheers. Captain blushed and looked at his feet. "Thank you. I didn't know I was missed."
"No, but our aim is improving!" Ash called.
The Gundam laughed. "I like that, that's funny. Anyway, I'm proud to introduce our next two acts. All the way from the Gamecube, everybody, it's Donkey Kong and Mario!
&&&
Candy sat on a box onstage, Donkey Kong standing next to her with a cane in his hand.
Donkey: I told the witch doctor I was in love with you!
Cranky appeared next to Donkey Kong in a ridiculous witch doctor outfit. "Hi, Candy."
"Hi, Cranky," answered Candy.
Donkey: I told the witch doctor I was in love with you.
Candy yawned.
Donkey: And then, the witch doctor, he told me what to do.
And he said-
Cranky heaved a sigh and recited, without emotion, rythmn, or tone.
Cranky: Oo, ee, oo aa aa.
Ting, tang, balla walla bing bang.
Oo ee, oo aa aa,
Ting-tang, balla-walla bang-bang.
Donkey Kong smiled knowingly at Candy, who ignored him (at first).
Donkey: I told the witch doctor you didn't love me true.
Candy then startled. "What!"
Donkey: I told the witch doctor you didn't love me nice!
The female ape covered her mouth in shame. "Where'd you here that?"
Cranky growled low, "It's a song, Candy."
Donkey: And then, the witch doctor, he gave me this advice.
And he said-
Cranky: Oo ee, oo aa aa.
Ting, tang-
Cranky interrupted his verse. "Donkey Kong, this is the stupidest thing I have ever done! And they always make the monkeys do it!"
"Cranky, shush!" Donkey warned, wrapping back around to Candy.
Donkey: You've been keeping love from me
Just like you were a miser.
I'll admit, I wasn't very smart.
Candy scoffed. "Like you were ever smart to begin with."
Donkey: (a little annoyed) So I went out and found myself
A guy that's so much wiser.
Donkey hooked his cane around Cranky's neck and pulled him close, knocking off his wacky witchdoctor headress in the process.
Donkey: And he taught me the way to win your heart.
Cranky mumbled low. "I told him nothing, I swear."
There was a silence; Cranky still wasn't singing his part.
Donkey Kong gave up. "Never mind..."
He left stage, Candy and Cranky watching him from their places.
&&&
Donkey Kong remarked to Ami and Yumi on the way out (in Japanese (the game IS from Japan). "You try to stay in character, and what do you get?"
"At least you have character," Yumi scowled. "I'm just the grumpy one, and she's just the happy one." (She pointed to Ami).
"Don't blame yourself," Ami encouraged. "After all, it was the French people who made the TV show that made Candy not like you, not you."
Donkey Kong rubbed his forehead in a desperate attempt to make the depression go away. "Oh, what a day."
&&&
Mario stood in the middle of a cute little kitchen set, standing rather high in relation to the counter (he must've been on a stool). He held up two wooden spoons and clacked them together as the intro music played.
"Vi rendero' un certo alimento!" he sang in Italian. "Avremo oggi di-ver-TI-MEN-TO!" On "TO!" he threw his spoons back behind himself, where one switched on the burner on the oven behind him and the other landed ON the lit burner, bursting into flames within seconds. Mario didn't notice and continued with the scene.
"This-a morning-a, we're-a gonna make-us a nice-a cream-a soda!" Mario reached into a drawer and pulled out a cup of ice, a blender, some club soda, and strawberries. "Now, we gotta find-a de place-a to plug-a it in-a. Let's-eh see-a..."
Smoke was billowing from the wooden spoon behind him. The audience began to murmur with worry as the fire spread towards the cardboard set wall.
"Found-a de out-a-let-a!" Mario plugged in the blender. "Okey-dokey, now-a we just-a gotta to set eet on-a high-a for a few minutes-a..." He stood up straight and sniffed the air. "What's-a dat smell?"
SHOOMPHF! THE ENTIRE BACK WALL BURST INTO FLAMES! The audience screamed as the stage was suddenly stormed by water Pokemon! Mario rushed to the back while the Pokemon went to work putting out the flames.
&&&
Gonzo caught Mario by the arm as he ran to the fire exit. "Wow, Mario, you were great! You should come cook at MY house sometime!"
The blue one let Mario go and decided to check on Captain. Captain, it seemed, what not doing so well; his arm was still in a sling, he was sweating, and his eyes were as big as dinner plates. "Why does SOMETHING always have to go wrong JUST before the last act!"
Shute rubbed Captain's shoulder, staying well to Captain's side for some reason. "Sshh, it's okay."
Jack tried his hand at consoling the Gundam, hovering just above his four-foot-friend's back. "Shute's right. See? The stage is almost put completely out now."
Captain rubbed his head angrily. "How am I ever supposed to explain to Kermit how I put a huge crater in the stage and caught the backdrop on fire all in one night? And what about the last act! It was supposed to be Pepe le Pew and the Prancing Pyromaniacs! How can I do a fire act if the stage has just caught on fire! The audience'll-"
Without warning, Captain doubled over in pain. Gonzo, Shute, and Jack each rushed forward, but Shute wound up pulling him up.
"Is he sick?" Gonzo inquired.
"No, his stomache's messed up 'cause of the pain medicine," Shute explained.
This reminded Gonzo of something. He laughed a devilish laugh and grabbed Captain's arm. "It's perfect! Captain, get onstage! Shute, round me up all the doctors we have backstage! This'll be great!"
&&&
Captain was confined to a hospital bed, Hello Nurse from Animaniacs watching over him closely. The set around him was dull and bland... for now.
Hello Nurse: Doc, he bought a coconut.
He bought it for a dime.
His friend, he had another one.
He paid it for a lime.
Dr. Katz (if anyone remembers him) stepped in soon after and began harmonizing with Hello Nurse.
Hello Nurse and Dr. Katz: He put the lime in the coconut,
Drank them both up.
He put the lime in the coconut,
Drank them both up.
Captain mused to himself through his clenched teeth. "This is embarrasing..."
Hello Nurse: He put the lime in the coconut,
Drank them both up.
He put the lime in the coconut.
Dr. Katz: He called the doctor, woke him up, said-
Captain: Doctor, ain't there nothing I can take
I said, Doctor! to relieve this belly-ache?
I said, Doctor, ain't there nothing i can take
I said, Doctor! To relieve this belly-ache.
Dr. Zoidberg burst out from under the bed, much to the delight of the audience. Captain jumped back in horror.
Dr. Zoidberg: Now let me get this straight.
You put the lime in the coconut.
You drank them both up.
You put the lime in the coconut.
You drank them both up?
Captain turned to Hello Nurse and Dr. Katz to ask for help, only to find that they were both wearing bone necklaces and face paint!
Hello Nurse and Katz: Put de lime in de coconut,
He drank 'em both together.
Put de lime in de coconut,
Den you feel better.
Put de lime in de coconut,
Drink 'em both up.
Put de lime in de coconut,
And call me in de mornin'.
Captain, in shock, hid under the covers of his bed. "Maybe I took too much Tylenol..."
He pulled the covers away; the office had been changed into a green, leafy jungle!
Hello Nurse, Dr. Katz, and Dr. Zoidberg each danced across the stage, every one of them dressed in some sort of weird witch-doctory outfit (it looked like Dr. Zoidberg was wearing the same outfit Cranky had worn in the last act!). The crazy doctors danced around Captain as all sorts of snakes and tigers hissed from the foliage (nearly scaring Captain out of his wits in the process).
Group: Doctor, ain't dere not'in' he can take,
We say, Doctor! To relieve de belly-ache?
We say, Doctor, ain't dere not'in he can take,
We say, Doctor! To relieve de belly-ache?
Group and Captain: You "pud" de lime in de coconut,
Drink 'em bot' up.
You "pud" de lime in de coconut,
Drink 'em bot' up.
You "pud" de lime in de coconut,
Drink 'em bot' toget'er.
"Pud" de lime in de coconut,
Den you feel better.
Well, if you call me in de mornin'
I'll tell you wha' to do.
Well, if you call me in de mornin'
I'll tell you wha' to do.
Well, if you call me in de mornin'-
Suddenly, everything was gone. The set was back to the doctor's office, Hello Nurse and Dr. Katz had disappeared, and Zoidberg was "normal" again. "If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do."
Zoidberg left the stage. Captain leaned back in his bed. "I need to talk to my HMO."
&&&
"Kim Possible here for a Muppet news flash. The bed used in the famous 'Lime and Coconut' bit on The Muppets Revamped is being recalled today. The beds were made on an assembly line formerly used to make pop-up toasters. These beds are-"
SPROING! "YAAAAAH!"
Captain crashed through the news desk, taking Kim Possible down with him. Captain lifted Kim Possible up out of the rubble, then collasped onto the remains of the ex-desk. Kim and Captain shared a look and said in unison, "Why me?"
No offense to Proud Family OR That's So Raven fans. I'm kinda mean to all of the stars in this fic. I mean, look what I've done to Captain! Also, I tried as best as I could to translate what Mario's singing into Italian, so if I'm off, I'm sorry.
I had to shorten the "Lime and Coconut" number, sorry. So much repetition, EUGH!
Cartoons featured that WERE NOT in the last chapter:
Proud Family
(If you want to count it) That's So Raven
Donkey Kong Country
Super Mario Brothers
Animaniacs
Dr. Katz
Futurama
And MORE to come!