The Muppet Show Revamped!
It's kinda hit me how hard of a job I'm taking on. The Muppet Show? Classic, timeless, still funny after all these years. And I'm trying to write something like this? Especially since I haven't seen the show in tact for 9 YEARS! All I have are those little piece-together Muppet videos that takes little bits and pieces of episodes and sticks them together. Expectations are high, man!... Okay, let's go!
Jack strutted back onstage, shielded from the lights by a stylish pair of sunglasses that he pulled out of his pockets. "Hello, everyone! Captain is still recovering from being launched out of the bed, so I ha-"
"Jack!"
"Huh?" Jack began to look around, searching for whoever called him. "Hello? I'm introducing the show here, an-"
"Jack, there you are!" Oh, it was Sally, and she was coming from stage left!
Jack turned to face her, throwing his arms out for a hug. "Sally, how a-"
Sally was wearing a purple flower-print gown pulled tightly at the waist and sliced halfway up the skirt, leaving most of Sally's leg exposed. The sleeves were short, puffed out like a church-dress, and the neckline stretched to and from the tip of each shoulder and fell well below where Sally's normal dress would (nothing past K+ there, folks). From her lower back sprouted a fan of golden feathers tipped with snowy-white puffs of down, tied tightly to their wearing by a red sash around Sally's middle. Part of her hair was pulled back with a red hiabiscis flower.
Sally got a few wolf whistles from the audience, along with a lot of appreciative murmurs and scattered applause. Johnny Bravo appeared from backstage and took Sally's hand. "Hey, mama-"
Johnny was grappled by Captain soon enough, who began to carrying him backstage. "Get out of here, Johnny, you don't have an act until the sequel!"
Jack paused to recover; with a snap of his wrists, he had flipped the sunglasses off and slipped them back in his pocket. "Um, Sally, what are you doing here dressed like that?"
"Well..." Sally seemed to laugh inwardly as she spoke, even though her obvious glee was only hinted to be a wry smile. "Me and the town were watching through the cauldron and Sadir the Werewolf said, 'Hey, somebody should go and surprise Jack'. So, at first, Lock, Shock, and Barrel volunteered, but when we got to the stage, we found out we couldn't get in unless we were invited or we had an act. That's when I remember I knew this cute little song that I liked, so I got in, got dressed, and got out here. Any questions?"
"Um..." Jack rubbed his head, still not taking his eyes off Sally. "I guess not..."
"I've gotta do my thing now." Sally craned her neck and Eskimo-kissed Jack, who blushed in response (and a blushing skeleton made the audience giddy with laughter). "This one's for you, Jack."
&&&
The Smurfs, all dressed in parkas, danced onstage to a trumpet fanfare.
Smurfs: A heatwave flew right into town last week.
The trumpets blared in response.
Smurfs: She came from the island of Martinique.
Again the trumpets sang while the Smurfs continued dancing.
Smurfs: The can-can she dances will make you fry.
Trumpets and Smurfs.
Smurfs: The can-can is really the reason why!
The trumpets played the scale up. The Smurfs parted. The tempo of the music dropped. Sally walked out of the middle, bowing politely before starting.
Sally: We're having a heatwave.
A tropical heatwave.
The temperature's rising,
It isn't surprising.
The Smurfs shot in front of her in a wave.
Smurfs: She certainly can!
Can-can!
Sally rudely kicked one of the Smurfs out of the way before walking towards the audience, making sure to swing her hips.
Sally: I started the heatwave.
By letting my seat wave.
She giggled to herself. "This song's goofy."
Smurfs: And in such a way that
Her customers say that-
Sally: I certainly can.
Can-can.
Sally stepped backwards as the Smurfs glided over the stage, perfectly in sync with one-another.
Smurfs: Geeeeee.
Her anatomyyyy
Made the mercuryyyy
Jump to "93".
Yes, sir!
We're having a heatwave!
Sally spun on her heel, turning her back to the audience.
Sally: Oh, what a heatwave!
Smurfs: A tropical heatwave!
The ragdoll looked over her shoulder at the audience, smirking like there was no tomorrow.
Sally: (growling) I'm in a heatwave!
Smurfs: The way that she moves, that
Thermometer proves that
She certainly can.
The trumpets built up. Sally turned back to the audience, jutting out her hip.
Sally: And you bet I can!
Trumpets again.
Smurfs: She certainly can-
There was an interlude with the horn section, building up to the big finishing note.
Sally and Smurfs: Can-caaaaaaaaaaan!
&&&
The set was a science lab, decorated with various flashing lights and test tubes. Wanda the fairy and Dexter each sat behind a desk made for a normal-sized human (which meant that they were standing on boxes to see above it). Wandy cleared her throat.
"Hello. Dr. Wanda deFairy welcoming you to Muppet Labs-"
The audience roared with applause, not letting Wanda finish. It took a full three minutes for them to calm down enough for Wanda to continue.
"Thank you-"
"And I am Dexter, don't forget I'm Dexter!" Dexter interrupted.
"Yes, we all know." Wanda cleared her throat again, but her gruff tone signalled to Dexter that this was a warning to not interrupt again. "Today, we introduce to you our newest invention, the Magi-Stretch Elevator shoe, made to add those all-so-vital inches to short, stubby people like Dexter here."
Dexter's eyes snapped open. "What!"
"Allow me to demonstrate." Wanda held up her wand, which glowed and twinkled for a split second before Dexter rose into the air by three inches, whimpering all the way. "Up."
"Put me down right now!" Dexter whined. "I don't like being this tall!"
"All right, you big weenie." Wanda shook her wand again. "Do-"
"HEY!" called an audience member. "I SAW THIS ON THE MUPPET SHOW ALREADY!"
Wanda sighed grumpily. "Oh, don't you start up with me!"
Unfortunately, Wanda saying "up" made Dexter's Magi-Stretch shoes reach for the skies, carrying Dexter along with them. Enough through Dexter's pitiful cries for help with outrageously loud, Wanda ignored him and shouted back to the audience member. "Listen, buddy, you try coming up with original skit material! It's hard!"
"Well, the LEAST you could do was change the dialogue a little!"
"We DID!"
"I meant a little more!"
"Look, we're admitting we're copying the Muppets to begin with!" Wanda began to explain. "The fanfiction is called 'The Muppets Revamped', for crying out loud! It's not a bad thing; it's like a movie novelization or something! I mean 'The Flintstones' copied a lot of the stuff from 'The Honeymooners'! 'Digimon' and 'Monster Rancher' copied 'Pokemon'! 'Bloom County' got Bill the Cat from 'Garfield', although that is kind of a stretch. And 'Juniper Lee' copied 'Jake Long' copied 'Danny Phantom'!"
"THEY DID WHAT!" yelled a teenaged voice from the back.
"Copying isn't the most terrible thing in the world, it's plagiarism that's illegal, remember?" Wanda rose her finger in triumph. "We're not saying that these are all our ideas, so we're not in trouble. Besides, what do the reviewers care? It's not like they're not laughing. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to my skit."
Wanda turned around and walked straight into a pair of striped socks. "What the- DEXTER! OH NO!"
The nervous fairy turned to the audience, discreetly tipped Dexter towards the left stage, and said, "Um... that's all for today from Muppet Labs."
"AAAH!"
CRASH!
&&&
Captain clutched the phone tightly as it rang in his ear. "Come on, come on, pick up!"
"You stole my show!" Danny Fenton screamed. Jake Long dodged it swiftly and caught Danny by the arm with his tail.
"Woah, slow down, yo! I didn' steal yo' show, lay off me!" Jake pointed accusingly to Juniper Lee. "What about her? She stole my show!"
"I did not!" Juniper Lee wailed. "My show is totally different from yours!"
"Please, children, calm down!" Captain cried from the phone. "I'm trying to make a phone call here-"
The phone clicked over the speaker. "Hello?"
The relieved Gundam snapped his attention back to the receiver. "Zero, is that you? It's Captain."
"Captain!" screamed the telephone (or rather, Captain's friend Zero from the other side of the telephone). "I've been watching you from the television! This show's hilarious!"
"Zero, please, I need some encourag- excuse me."
"Look, in your show," June explained, pointing to Danny, "You change into a more powerful form in order to protect the world from evil creatures." She then pointed to Jake. "In your show, you change into a more powerful form in order to protect the world from evil creatures."
"Magical creatures ain't evil, yo!" Jake Long hollered. "Besides, you have a title like I do! And an annoying younger sibling! AND A TALKING, WISE-CRACKING SIDEKICK DOG THAT'S OVER A-HUNDRED YEARS OLD! YOU HAVE FU-DOG!"
"Hey, at least-"
"QUIET, I'M ON THE PHONE!"
The three teenagers shrunk under Captain's explosion. The Gundam shook himself and darted back to the phone. "Zero, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown here! I'm yelling at the actors! What should I do!"
"Wow, this is serious..." Zero could be heard drumming his fingers in thought. "Did you try some breathing exercises? Maybe have a cup of coffee?"
"How is caffeine supposed to help me relax!"
"At least I don't have to change shapes to whoop butt," June remarked under her breath.
"June, quiet," Captain warned, "I'm trying to talk here."
"Sure you change shape," Danny smirked. "You change from a kick-butt monster fighting machine to a whiny, teenaged girly-brat!"
"THAT'S IT!" Juniper took a shot at Danny, but instead hit Jake square in the chest.
"No, that's it! Dragon up!" Jake switched to dragon form and tackled June, only to get knocked away by an ectoplasm blast from Danny Phantom.
"You're so gonna get it, dragon-"
"ALL OF YOU BE QUIET OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING YOUR STAGE TIME! NOW, SIDDOWN!"
There was silence on the phone. "Hey, Captain, I'm gonna call back later, okay?"
Captain fell onto a nearby chair. "Sure, you do that. Bye, Zero."
&&&
The entire stage was a perfect replica of Squidward Tentacles' backyard. A plunkety, bubbly tune played its intro as Spongebob hopped outstage as happy as a clam. Spongebob drifted through the stage as if he were underwater (which he actually was, thanks to some of Wanda's magic and the audience's suspension of disbelief).
Spongebob: I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus' garden
In the shade.
An window opened on Squidward's tiki head, and a shadow loomed within the house as Spongebob kept singing cheerfully.
Spongebob: He'd let us in,
Knows where we've been:
In an octopus' garden in the shade.
I'd ask my friends to come and see
An octopus' garden with me.
Spongebob cheerfully bobbed around and around as Patrick hopped out from behind a rock.
Spongebob and Patrick: I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus' garden
In the shade.
Squidward popped out of the shadows and jammed his head out the window. "Okay, I'm sick of this now. Spongebob, Patrick, get out of my yard."
Patrick: We would be warm-
(Spongebob: La la la la!)
Patrick: Below the storm
(Spongebob: La la la la!)
Patrick: In our little hideaway
Beneath the waves.
(Spongebob: La la la la, la la la la!)
Squidward's frown worsend, and he leaned heavily on his shoulders. "Patrick, Spongebob, this is not your property. Please leave."
Spongebob: Resting our heads
(Patrick: La la la la!)
Spongebob: On the sea beds
(Patrick: La la la la!)
Spongebob: In an octopus' garden
Near a cave.
(Patrick: La la la la, la la la la!)
Squidward's angry face turned deadpan, and he turned back to his house. "I'm calling the police."
Spongebob: We would sing and dance around
Patrick: Because we know
Spongebob and Patrick: We can't be found.
I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus' garden
In the shade.
Spongebob and Patrick each began to giggle outrageously and dance around like idiots. Squidward re-appeared in the window, his expression now vaguely annoyed. "Okay, for some reason, there's no furniture in my house. I've talked to the robot in the back, he said that as soon as the song's over, we can go home. Can we try to speed up the process?"
Spongebob and Patrick just kept laughing.
"HELLO!" Squidward tried in vain to get their attention.
"Squidward, it's an act!" Spongebob giggled. "Don't you wanna have fun with it while you can?"
"No."
Patrick shrugged. "Oh well."
Patrick: We would shout
And swim about
On the coral that lies
Beneath the waves.
There was another short musical interlude. Squidward turned to the audience and mused. "I apologize in advance for this behavior."
Patrick and Spongebob: We would be
So happy, you and me,
With no one there to tell us
What to do.
I'd like to be
Under the sea
In an octopus' garden
With you.
In an octopus' garden
With Yooouuu!
&&&
Suddenly, the closing curtains burst open, and Jake Long flew through the air and into the opposite wall! Danny Phantom hovered above him, hands glowing green and ready. "Ready to admit that you stole my show now?"
"Dragons don't lie, dog." Jake bounced to his feet. "Dragon fire!"
A bolt of fire shot from Jake's throat, just scathing Jake's hair. Distracted by his flaming hair, Danny Phantom was drop-kicked in the back by Juniper Lee, who bounced off of him and went flying at Jake, who went dragon and dodged the attack. "Copier!"
"ME!" Jake pointed an accusing claw at Juniper from the ceiling. "You have a 'Fu-Dog'!"
June didn't respond with words, she instead went for a flying punch. Danny pounced at her and slammed her into the wall, and Jake smacked them both down with his tail.
The audience thought it was great! Captain rushed to the fighting teens as fast as he could, followed swiftly by Krypto the Superdog, and tried to pry the children apart.
"Guys, please!" Krypto moaned. "Can't you settle this without fighting?"
"He stole my show!" Danny screamed at Jake.
"She stole my show!" Jake screamed at Juniper.
"Why is everyone picking on me?" Juniper screamed at the sky.
"Guys! It's not about who stole what! Nobody stole anything! Sure, you guys' ideas are similar, some in more ways than others, but it's not how alike things are that makes them enjoyable. It's how you interpret the ideas that makes them great!"
Krypto's wise words hushed most of the audience. Captain smiled approvingly. "That's the best thing I've heard all day."
"Well..." Juniper Lee lowered her head. "I suppose that makes sense."
"Yeah..." Jake Long fizzled back into human form. "I'll be good."
"Me too," agreed Danny.
There were scattered "aaw"s among the audience and a little applause. Captain picked up Danny Phantom like a child would lift a puppy and carried him back to the stage, the other two teens following under the watchful eye of Krypto.
"You still don't get your stage time back."
"AW, MAN!"
&&&
Lilo and Stitch stood onstage, each holding eachother's hand. Lilo puffed out her chest proudly. "We're gonna sing a song for you now!"
"Ih!" Stitch nodded manically. "From Sesame Street!"
"Sort of."
"Re-wrote it."
"Yeah, so it'd fit us better."
Stitch: Stitch like coffee beans.
Lilo: Coffee beans?
Stitch: Coffee beans!
Stitch like coconuts.
Lilo: Coconuts.
Stitch: Coconuts!
Stitch like smashing stuff!
Lilo: Smashing stuff.
Stitch: Oh yeah, I do!
Lilo: Well, Stitch, you know
I really don't like many of those things.
But I like you.
Stitch clasped his hands together. "Thank you!"
Lilo: I like to hula dance.
Stitch: Hula dance!
Lilo: Hula dance.
I like vampires!
Stitch: Vampires!
Lilo: (creepy-like) Vampires!
I like jelly beans.
Stitch: Jelly beans? BLECH!
Lilo: Oh, yes, I do!
Stitch: Um, Lilo,
You know Stitch does not like much of those things?
Lilo nodded. "I know."
Stitch: But Stitch likes you!
Lilo whispered to the audience. "He's so sweet!"
Lilo: I listen to The King at night.
Stitch: I know.
Stitch likes to go downstairs
And watch TV.
The tiny one raised her finger. "And you know what?"
Lilo: I like to trumpet at the elephants in the zoo.
Stitch shook Lilo roughly.
Stitch: Oo, Lilo, guess what?
Lilo: What?
Stitch: Stitch likes that too!
"Really?"
"Really!"
"YEAH!"
Lilo: I like comic books!
Stitch: Comic books!
Lilo: Comic books.
Stitch: Stitch like EATING books!
Lilo: Eating books!
Stitch: Eat the books!
Lilo: I like cotton shirts.
Stitch: Stitch like polyester!
Stitch and Lilo: Yes I do!
Lilo: But though I don't like everything-
Stitch: That I like,
Lilo and Stitch: I still like you.
Lilo: Though I'm not too crazy 'bout the things you eat.
Stitch: And you're really whiny, but still real sweet!
Lilo and Stitch: I
Like
You!
You!
Betty Boop trotted across the stage.
Betty Boop: Boo-boop-be-doop!
Lilo and Stitch shared a confused glance before leaving.
&&&
Wanda and Cosmo waved to the audience. "Hello, and welcome to Muppet Labs!"
The audience went nuts again, their cheers reaching into 5 minutes before Wanda threatened to zipper their mouths shut like she did with Cosmo.
"Today on Muppet Labs, we are proud to introduce the Insta-Poofer 2000. Now you can poof from Istanbul to Constanstinople with the ease of a fairy with 8,000 years of training at the fairy academy!"
Cosmo tried to point out Wanda's inaccurate choice of countries, but his mouth was zippered shut, so all that came out were strange squeaking noises.
"Allow me to demonstrate." Wanda raised her wand and instantly poofed something that looked like a 12-foot mechanical egg onto the middle of the stage. "Cosmo, if you would please?"
"Mee merr mee-meme mermer me mer!" Cosmo beeped.
"Whatever!" Wanda abruptly took Cosmo by the hair and threw him into the Insta-Poofer 2000. There was an odd popping noise, and suddenly Cosmo was gone. "As you can see, Cosmo is now completely de-materialized. By pressing this button-" (She pulled a remote control out of her pocket.) "I will bring Cosmo back, safe and sound."
Wanda pressed the button. The Insta-Poofer made the popping noise again, and Captain Planet wa-
CAPTAIN PLANET!
"The power is yours!" said the strange, blue man.
"Oops!"
Wanda hurriedly pressed the button again, and this time Gonzo popped into the Insta-Poofer! "I'm not supposed to be here, right?"
"Right!"
Wanda presed the button AGAIN, and Jem appeared!
"Jem is my nam-"
POP! Charlie Brown? "Good grief."
POP! Goku? "Ka-ma-ha-"
POP! Green Lantern? "What the he-"
POP!Captain Gundam!
"Wanda, please!" Captain Gundam jumped out of the Insta-Poofer before Wanda could press the button. "I'm trying to run a show here! What are you doing zapping the actors out of the theatre!"
"I'm on the verge of a scientific breakthrough!" Wanda whined.
"Yes, but I am on the verge OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!" Captain screamed back, making the tiny fairy jump. "You stop poofing every single cartoon you can think of into the theatre and get Cosmo back here, or so he-"
The terrified Wanda poofed Captain away with her wand, replaced the nervous Gundam with Cosmo. "Hey, I found Cosmo!"
&&&
Captain stepped onstage once again (covered in vines and wearing a parrot on his head for some reason). "All right, everyone, thank you for joing us this time. We're going to have another intermission, but remember to come back, because we have more acts and a special guest star to look forward to! Now, if you'll excuse me." He turned around and began walking back backstage. "WANDA!"
The Eclectic Bedlam played the Muppets ending theme, and the audience went to intermission.
DONE! Okay, notes: You can still suggest cartoons, but you're not going to see most of them soon. I've planned out all of the chapters, all the cartoons in the chapters, and I'm afraid I can't fit in all of them. Don't worry, though: I'M THINKING ABOUT A SEQUEL.
Cartoons seen in this chapter that weren't in the last two:
Jem
Peanuts
Captain Planet
Justice League (or Super Friends)
Lilo and Stitch
Betty Boop
Krypto, The Super Dog
Life and Times of Juniper Lee
American Dragon; Jake Long
Danny Phantom
Spongebob Squarepants
Johnny Bravo
Later.