Yay, another update! Thank you for all the reviews, again. I may not reply to each one individually, but I do really appreciate every one of them! If you want a specific response to a comment you make in your review, please let me know and I'll send you an email.
This chapter's from Hiroshi's point of view. Of all of the POVs I used, this one was the hardest for me, so if it doesn't come across as quite right, that's why. I hope you all enjoy it.
Disclaimer: Me no own cute animated characters. Yada yada, blah blah.
Traust Faellan
Chapter Five: Hiro
I hate you, Yuki Eiri.
Well, maybe not. What I really hate is the way that Shuichi lights up only for you. I hate the way that one word from you can make Shu beam or make him cry. I hate it, that he doesn't see me as anything other than a close friend and band mate. He knows I love him, he knows why I kissed him that night… and he just wants you. He never even kissed me back. He was motionless under me only because he was too shocked to move, not because he was encouraging me… but you misunderstood and left him.
Are you happy? Shu's been so depressed that he barely even moves from home. Even K's threats couldn't inspire Shu to sing or write music or show up to do promotions. Are you glad that he's like this? I think somewhere you're probably laughing to yourself, that you can make him suffer. I know you know about it, because I was there when Mizuki came to collect your computer and I heard Shu begging for her to talk to you.
And I'm there when she returns the next day to report back. Her face is serious and now she doesn't overly sympathize with Shu, even though yesterday she was gushing and promising to get you and him back together. I think you've probably told her what happened, which surprises me. Why would you talk to Mizuki? You never tell anyone anything; you never even told Shu you cared about him.
I wonder if you do. You never let on… but I was there. I saw your face when you heard what Taki Aizawa did to Shu. People don't get that kind of expression unless they're furious and afraid for the person who's been hurt. People don't beat another person into a bloody pulp like you did Maa unless they feel something. But you've been with Shu for so long, and you always treat him like shit. You never show him you care at all, so maybe I completely misinterpreted that moment. Maybe you had that expression, and maybe you beat up Maa like that, because Shu's like some kind of pet for you. Maybe you were mad because Taki touched something you own, a sort of how-dare-you-lay-your-hands-on-my-possession kind of thing. Because from what I've seen you certainly don't value Shu as an independent person… more as a lackey whose mind and emotions you can fuck around with whenever you feel like it.
It hurts to see how desperate Shuichi is for information of you. He's jumping all over Mizuki like an eager little puppy. I wish he could be that crazy over me, but you're the one he loves. And, because of a moment of recklessness, I screwed that up. But Shu hasn't blamed me at all. He's focused all his attention on finding his beloved Yuki rather than yelling at me, and I think he blames himself anyway, which isn't how it should be but I'm too much the coward right now to force him to realize that the one he should be hating is me.
Mizuki won't tell Shuichi where you are. He begs and pleads and makes puppy-dog eyes at her, but she stands firm. "I promised him I wouldn't tell you," she says with a touch more sympathy.
Shuichi slumps back onto the couch again. He's crestfallen, depressed again so easily. He was so hopeful all day since Mizuki first told him she had contacted you, but now he's crushed again. You really like doing this to him, don't you? You like him to suffer. You're such a sado-masochist, and you love to see everyone else in pain, especially poor Shu.
Mizuki's eyes are on me; her expression is mournful. "You're…?"
"Hiroshi," I tell her. "I'm in the band."
I can almost see the light bulb turning on in her mind. Her eyes turn crafty. "Come with me," she orders, leading the way back down the hallway to what is, apparently, your office. I don't really know what to think, and I can't guess what she's planning, but I follow anyway, just because I don't want to see Shu looking all depressed again right now.
She turns on me the instant the office door is closed. "Hiro, right? I've heard a lot about you from Shuichi."
And I still have basically no clue who she is, other than the vague description that she's an editor. "Yeah," I reply, simply because she looks like she's waiting for one.
"I promised that I wouldn't let Shuichi know where Yuki is right now," she tells me," but I never said that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I'll tell you where he is, and you can go talk to him."
"Now hang on a moment!" I blurt out. No way. There's no way I'm going to do that, because I'm the reason this whole mess happened.
"You're Shuichi's closest friend," she babbles on, carried away with her idea. "And Yuki knows you. He'll listen to you."
Like hell you will. You never listen to anyone, not even Shuichi who's supposed to be your boyfriend. Why in the world would you listen to me, the person whom you think Shu's having an affair with? Besides, why would I want to talk you into getting back together with Shu? He's better off without you! He's better off—
The image of Shuichi crumpled up on the couch and flipping through TV channels in blank despair flashes into my mind. I remember the way that Shu screamed after you when you left, and chased you. And now he's shattered apart because he lost you.
Maybe… it's not better for him to be away from you. You're a son-of-a-bitch, you treat Shu worse than crap, but I never saw him like this when you two were together, not even when you pissed him off or hurt him so badly he cried. Maybe I really screwed up. I did it because I love Shu, because I want him to be happy, but I've made his life miserable instead. And all this time, instead of trying to help patch up your relationship, I've been hanging back and hoping that you two won't get back together.
I have every reason to want you guys to break up. You're cruel to Shu, and I love him. I want to be his boyfriend, instead of you who always tear him down verbally and emotionally. I want to be his lover… but he's in so much pain right now, and it's my fault, and it hurts to see him like this. It hurts even more than seeing you two together.
"Alright," I finally give in. "Tell me where he is. I'll go talk to him."
Looking relieved, she gives me the address. I sigh, and head out without another word. I send only a short glance over to Shu as I storm across the living room to the door. He's sprawled on the couch again, his eyes almost lifeless as he stares at the TV. A twinge runs through me, and even though I don't want to do this, it strengthens my resolve.
What an idiot I am. I'm going to go try to repair your relationship, when I love Shu. I love Shu so much that I'd rather put you two back together than try to pick up the Shu-pieces you left behind when you left. You're such a bastard, you know that? You don't deserve him. I can't understand why Shu loves you, loves to be with you, when you treat him like shit. You don't deserve him, everyone knows it! I just… don't understand.
It's not hard to find the hotel, although it's quite a ways off the beaten path. It's a good distance by subway. I don't bother to announce myself at the desk. I sneak up and to your room, and pound on the door.
It takes five straight minutes of knocking to even get a response. Finally, the door flies open with hostile force, and you snarl, "What do you want, Mizu—"
You realize who I am only then. We stare at each other. You're glaring at me with that same old indifferent expression… only it's not the same. Your expression is haunted rather than haughty. Your posture is slumped rather than straight and intimidating. And your eyes are red, as in weeping red.
And, seeing you looking literally a mess, with your hair all mussed and your fingers shaking as they hold a cigarette… only then do I wonder if maybe you haven't been ignoring Shu to punish him, but if you were really, really hurt by what happened, and you're staying away because Shu's "betrayal" hurts too much for you to face him.
Your eyes narrow. You're trying to look angry, but I get the unmistakable impression that you want to cry instead. Which, knowing the way you are normally, is really startling and even a bit scary.
"Yuki," I begin.
You slam the door in my face.
Well, you try to, but my reflexes are just barely quick enough. Without even thinking, I throw my hand out and get it in the crack between the door and the jamb right as you slam it.
"Shit!" I shout. Stupid reflexes. "Fuck!" I yank my hand back and hold it, too agonized to do anything besides stand there with tears pricking my eyes, screaming curses to the entire hotel.
Doors are starting to pop open along the hallway. You throw a glance at the heads peeping out. "Shut up," you order.
"You son-of-a-bitch!" I shout back at him. God, it hurts. Don't ever try to stop a slamming door like that. Trust me on that one. "Fuck!"
I suppose having my hand almost severed by a door was a successful way to get your attention, though, because you grab me up by my collar and drag me into the hotel room, slamming the door behind us. You don't want anyone to see you, it's clear. You don't like attention, Shu's told me lots of times in the past. Courtesy of your natural looks, I'd guess. Pretty silly to worry about being noticed now, though, since you've got your picture plastered on the backs of millions of books worldwide.
You shove me down into the chair and storm out with the ice bucket in hand. I sit, wincing, wondering how the hell I'm going to be able to play guitar when I can't even move my finger, and looking around the hotel room to distract myself from the pain. Your bed's unmade. Your laptop is quietly whirring on the table, surrounded by empty beer cans and flanked by a long-cold room service lunch that's clearly untouched. The ashtray has at least twenty butts in it, and I think I spot a few empty beer bottles by the bed. But don't you normally live like this? Things don't look too bad, so maybe I just mistook all that crap back at the door. Maybe you're just trying to punish Shu after all.
You stomp back into the room. Your face is set in an ill-tempered expression. You scoop ice from the bucket into a small towel, and throw it at my head. I barely manage to catch it without falling off the chair or getting pelted by ice. I grit my teeth to contain my irritation, and gently apply it to my aching hand.
"Now get out," you demand.
"Yuki—"
"Get. Out."
I firm my resolve. "I'm here to talk to you, dammit."
"You mean, to gloat," you accuse.
"Gloat about what?" I snarl right back. "Nothing happened."
You pace to the other side of the room with quick agitated steps. I've never seen you upset by anything before, and it's a shocking change. "Don't try to lie to me. I've know Shu asked—Shuichi—that brat—" You don't know what to call Shu. For a second, you look almost flustered. And I know then that you're not punishing Shu for some sado-masochistic reason. You're not punishing him at all. You're really not yourself right now. If you were, you'd be all glib comments and calm sarcastic indifference. But you're obviously upset right now, uncertain and confused and pained and distrustful. You hesitate, and then finally pick a word. "I know that brat asked you to come here to patch things up. But don't bother! You can have him. I don't want him anymore."
As though Shuichi really is some kind of possession to be tossed out once he's worn out. I narrow my eyes at you. "I thought you cared about him a little more than that." Setting aside the fact that I'm not even sure you actually care in the first place.
You seem infuriated that I'd dare to make such a comment. "You don't know the first fucking thing about me!"
"You're right." I roll my eyes. "And I really don't want to know any more. All I want to know is if you deserve him."
And you say again, "I don't want him! You can have him. You two seem to get along perfectly." A trace of your old sarcasm. But only a trace.
"Nothing happened," I repeat. "You misunderstood what you saw."
"Did I?" You seem completely disbelieving.
"I was drunk. I kissed him. Shuichi didn't want it. You're the only one he cares about in that way, Yuki," I explain flatly. It hurts so much to say it, but it's the truth.
You honestly don't know what to say to that. It seems silly that a writer, a master of language, should be at a loss for words. But you are, and you just stare at me.
"It's true," I say, more to break the awkward silence than to reassure you.
You take a quick puff of your cigarette, averting your eyes. Your hand shakes so much, and you suck on the cigarette in clear desperation for the calming nicotine. You breathe out a cloud of smoke, and then attack again, "So that's the story you're going with. It's a bit clichéd, don't you think? The old drunken idiocy routine. But what else could I expect from someone as unoriginal and uncreative as that stupid brat?"
"It's the truth," I growl again.
"Get out," you order, stepping back to leave me a clear path to the door. "Get out."
"You really have a low opinion of Shu, don't you." I don't move a muscle from the chair. You'll have to physically throw me out if you want me gone.
You make an irritated gesture with your cigarette. "A dumb idiot like him? Of course. He's not the brightest bulb in the—"
"That's not what I'm talking about!" I'm daring enough to interrupt you. Boldly I glare at you. I saw what Maa looked like when you were done with him. I know you could do the same to me. But you're not going to intimidate me, not until I've said what I came here to say. "Fuck knows I've got no reason to want you two together. You're mean to him and you hurt him all the time. But he loves you, for some odd reason, and I care about him enough for—"
"Yeah, I noticed," you cut back in. "I noticed exactly how much you care for each other."
"Shut up and listen to me!" I shout at him, lunging to my feet.
To my astonishment, you do. You look at me, silent and unmoving. Your expression is hard and cold. But the eyes are the windows to the soul, and in them I can see clearly how vulnerable you are in this moment. After what you saw, it's no wonder you think Shu betrayed you, but…
"Do you really have so little faith in him?" I ask. I'd meant to demand it, but it comes out sounding quiet and almost pleading rather than angry. "How can you not trust him? He's always loved you… why don't you trust him?"
"I don't trust anyone!" you retort. As though it's a fact to be proud of, that you don't think your own lover is worthy of being trusted and believed in.
"You're pathetic," I sneer, losing my patience. "You're a pathetic loser who loves to wallow in his own misery."
Your eyes flash. "Then why the hell are you trying to put us back together, if you think that?"
Who the hell knows. I wish someone would tell me the answer to that one. "Dammit all, you're treating him like he's been lying to you all along! You know Shu! You know he can't lie worth anything. You're a pathetic, paranoid monster! Shuichi doesn't deserve to be ruined by someone as twisted and heartless as you." I shake my head angrily. "You're right. I give up on trying to repair this mess you caused. I hope you go off and die somewhere, and leave Shuichi alone! He doesn't deserve someone like you!"
Your mouth opens. It's the second time I've made you speechless. For a long moment, you look weird. Then, finally, anger comes to save you. "You son-of-a—"
A cough interrupts you. You clap a hand over your mouth, wheezing into your palm. You pull your hand away, and I think I can see something red on your lip.
Grudgingly I ask, "You okay?" Trying to decide if I hope you are (for Shu's sake) or if I hope you aren't.
You spin away from me, not even answering, and go into the bathroom. The door slams behind you.
"Goddamn you," I snarl at the door.
"Get! Out!" You grit out then. "Get out!"
"Gladly!" I've already got the hotel room door open.
But the sound of more coughing, violent coughing, chases me when I try to make my getaway. I hesitate in the doorway. Shu would kill me if I just left when his lover needed help, but dammit all, I just don't like you.
Reluctantly I close the door again and tap on the bathroom door. "Yuki."
"Go AWAY!" You scream. And immediately dissolve into another coughing fit. It sounds really painful, actually. Maybe you are dying in there. I'm sure that was blood I saw on your lip before.
"Yuki," I growl at him. "Are you okay?"
You don't answer. You just cough. It sounds almost like retching now, you're coughing so hard.
"Yuki." I try the doorknob, but you've locked the door behind you. Shit. "Yuki, open the fucking door."
The coughing fit is dying down, but I can hear you wheezing for breath. Another moment, and then I hear the weak thud of a limp body hitting the ground.
"Yuki!" I pound on the bathroom door. What the hell is wrong with you? "Open up!"
There's no response, not even a shout to go away. I think you've fainted, and the damn bathroom door's locked. "Yuki!" You might be really sick, especially if that was blood I saw… and Shuichi's going to kill me if I brought this on. He'll kill me if you die of this, so you'd better not be dying in there, you idiot!
I start to slam my shoulder into the door then, worried enough to risk further injury in order to get the door open. "Yuki!" I call in between attacks on the door. "Yuki, answer me!"
But there's nothing, and in the end I have to force the door open by physically beating myself up on it. Eventually something snaps, and I stumble into the bathroom to find you crumpled on the ground, unconscious and covered with blood.
"Shit!" I knew it.
You're going to be the death of me, Yuki, because Shu's going to kill me for sure.
TBC