Thank you to Teegs for betaring.
Chapter Twenty-Three
As they made there way slowly back to their quarters Max held Alec's hand her body pressed along his side so he knew where to walk. Biggs was on his other side and the rest of the Unit were ranged around them.
"We must look like a circus procession huh Max?" he asked her quietly.
"Pretty much," she replied unable to keep the affectionate amusement out of her voice.
"Yeah, well they won't be staying they know I have to eat and sleep, like now." He stumbled wearily against her.
The medic had explained how a male X's bodies could summon an inexhaustible supply of testosterone in a battle situation and their bodies would continue to manufacture enough adrenaline to meet their needs. But once the need to fight had passed and they had stopped dropping testosterone, if they had used significant adrenaline then their bodies would shut down until they had replenished their supplies.
He'd told her Alec would need to sleep for at least eight hours and should really rest up for a couple of days. But she knew that wasn't possible. In just over 24 hours they had Units in the field and he couldn't miss that. But he had a good twelve hours and a transgenic's body could do a lot of repair work in that time.
His body was already starting to shut down she realized as he stumbled through the door after her and headed straight for the bedroom. By the time she'd followed him to the door he was already lying uncomfortable on the edge of the bed fast asleep.
She heard Biggs voice from behind her. "He'll probably only sleep for a few of hours and then he'll need food. I'll have someone send some over Max."
"Thanks Biggs but we've got our rations for the week. We've got enough."
"He'll need a hell of a lot of food, Max, probably five times what he normally eats."
"Five times," she echoed incredulously, thinking how much he normally ate. "Yeah okay, Biggs then you better send some over then. Thor's females, where are they now?"
"Still in lockdown. What do you want me to do with them?"
"Release them and I'll see them tomorrow morning."
"Yeah okay."
He's a mess she thought surveying Alec's bruised and battered body as he slept the sleep of the dead. Not spread-eagled across the bed as he usually was but awkwardly on the edge with one foot still on the floor. Carefully she lifted his leg onto the bed and pulled his boots off. His face was so swollen it was unrecognisable. One of his eyes was completely swollen shut and the other partially, his nose was broken and taped to his face, his ribs were broken and strapped as was his collarbone, and three of the fingers on his right hand were also broken.
She pulled a chair up to the side of the bed, thankful for the quiet calmness after the hectic noise of the alpha fight. She still had the persistent musky smell of testosterone in her nose. Prior to today it had been a smell she had associated with her heat, pleasure and Alec. After today…she pushed the image of Thor's ruined face from her mind.
She flinched as her eyes touched his face. It was hard to look at him like this. His face so swollen and distorted that he didn't really look human. Her gaze wandered down to his uninjured hand where it rested on his stomach, large, strong, capable hands, gentle when they touched her. She pushed the image from her mind of his hand on Thor's head as he had forced his neck around.
She thought about what the medic had told her about the differences in the male and female transgenic physiology. She'd naively assumed that all Transgenics were like her. She hadn't stopped to consider that there might be differences between the sexes. How dumb was that? she asked herself, thinking about the difference between human sexes. When the medic had explained that the male cocktail contained more animal DNA than the female she'd been really surprised. But it made sense and certainly explained why male Transgenics seemed to be so much more instinctively driven than female and it would also explain the hugely more aggressive response to threat that she had seen today.
It was fascinating the difference in their body compositions. Female X's, although they had testosterone present in their bodies they couldn't call it up at will. Therefore they didn't have the same adrenalin highs and lows and never ran them their stores as low as males.
What had happened at the alpha fight had taken her by surprise. Because she'd left Manticore when she was a child, she'd never seen a large group of male Transgenics in a tense or confrontational situation. So today the level of aggression and their readiness to fight had been disorientating, a shock. Just managing them and keeping control had been a battle in itself. Not a job for the faint hearted, or the ambivalent she realized thinking about how decisively and efficiently Alec had done what was needed and kept control of an explosive situation.
She'd meant it when she'd told him she understood that in fighting Thor he was only doing what had to be done. She knew him well enough to realize, he took no joy in killing for its own sake. But her understanding had now expanded to an appreciation of why any male who sought to control transgenic males would have to be physically dominant. Seeing their instincts in play today had left her in no doubt of that. They would definitely need strong leadership once they hit the streets of Seattle as an army.
What else is different for him? She wondered uneasily her eyes lingering on his face. She remembered what Kat had also said about how he often didn't know what to do if something was outside his training or he doubted his instincts. At the time she hadn't given it much thought but she was now. If Kat was right and these were the times Alec had turned to her in the past, and she had not only been unhelpful but unaware. Then she had a problem. She needed a much better understanding of male instincts. Hell she needed a much better understanding of her own instincts.
"Max, we've just put the extra rations in the kitchen."
"Hey, Kat, thanks."
Pulled out of her musings, Max smiled at Biggs and Kat as they hovered in the doorway. Her eyes quickly back on Alec, he was normally so alert, but he hadn't even heard them enter the apartment, he hadn't even stirred. Even his instincts have shut down, how physically exhausted is he, for that to happen? She frowned.
"He's used to sleeping around us, like he is you. He trusts us, his instincts won't wake him for us, but they still would for a stranger. He's fine Max. It's normal for a male X's body to crash like this."
"Yeah, thanks Kat," she answered doubtfully, closing the door of the bedroom and followed them into the living room.
"Thor's females have they been released yet?" She asked Bigg's.
"Yeah, they've gone back to quarters. We've put his males back into lockdown until Alec can deal with them tomorrow. So there won't be any more confrontations before we've had a chance to sort it out. There'll be a couple of the Unit outside until Alec's on his feet again. If you want anything just ask them. I'll see you tomorrow then."
"Yeah, thanks Bigg's." She waited until the door had closed on his departing back.
"I'm sorry about calling the alpha fight barbaric, Kat. I didn't mean to criticise Alec or any of the other males. Sometimes I talk before I think."
"Yeah, well, Alec isn't just my CO, Max, he's my pack. The guys got the name calling a lot worse than we did and I guess I'm just sensitive about it but if I overreacted I'm sorry to," she said.
"Why was that, Kat?" she asked curiously.
"I guess because most of the brass, and the majority of ordinary military personnel at Manticore were male. Maybe, because once the males started to hit puberty and their instincts started to dominate, they just saw them as more of a threat than us. Who knows? Or maybe, the males were just more of a personal threat to them than the women. But male trangens were called animals as often as they were called soldiers."
"Kat, Today at the fight, Alec, only just managed to keep control. Nobody behaved like I expected. In Manticore we just did what our CO's told us."
"Only when we were children Max," she smiled. "What you saw today was normal behaviour for adult male transgenics. You wouldn't have seen it before, because you were separated from your own kind before puberty. Prior to puberty males don't drop testosterone like that. But once they hit puberty, what you saw today is the one and only male response to threat, and that is to kill it. Its their physiology, and beyond their control. And yeah, it makes them extremely hard to control."
"Don't worry that, Alec can't control them, Max because he can and has been since we were teenagers. He knows what he's doing. Alec leads the males, both as their commander as Manticore trained them, and as their alpha, because he's dominate."
"Our instincts dictate that we follow an alpha. We select them on their suitability and their dominance, both our male and our female alpha's alike. For females, Alec is our military Commander, and we will follow him because he is the best Manticore trained but he is not our alpha. In all things that are not military, we follow our own alpha. It used to be me, now, it's you."
"What happened here today was normal in the sense of being typical male behaviour. But it was also an aberration in that the Units are always integrated, they're never usually without women. Normally Unit leaders would never have permitted their males to congregate like that, without females being present."
"We don't drop testosterone, our range of response to threat is greater, and our heads are clearer. When we're present males are calmer, and their instinct to protect us overrides their instinct to fight. Unless they're in their instincts, they don't act on their own, so if we don't see the need to fight then things generally stay calmer."
"The territorial instinct is the strongest instinct transgenics have. We protect our own before we do anything else."
Max didn't even have to think about it, she knew it was true. Her own protection of Ben flashed immediately into her mind, and Zack who had shot himself to save her. She nodded in agreement.
"Once we started to hit puberty, Manticore discovered that the old controls no longer worked. The Units started to protect their own, above anything else regardless of orders. To some extent we'd always done it anyway, but we'd been discreet about it. Once the males hit puberty they protected each other and us automatically, their instincts wouldn't let them do anything different and discretion for them was no longer an option."
"Puberty also made them more aggressive, their instinct to rank each other in terms of dominance, also came to the fore, and they started to fight amongst themselves to establish ranking order. That also meant they started to measure our ordinary Manticore handlers against a dominance-based criteria. When the handlers came up lacking they started to disobey them. Started to behave like a bunch of 'uncontrollable animals,' as Manticore brass described it."
"Manticore tried to bring them into line with punishment, but it didn't work. I think that at that age, most of the guys just saw that as a direct male-to-male challenge, and resistance became greater. Discipline became such an issue for males, that it was affecting the day-to-day business of Manticore," she laughed cynically. "In the end they had the brilliant idea of separating the males from us, so that the discipline problem, as they perceived it, wouldn't spread."
"So they separated us, and reformed the Units on a same sex basis," she laughed again. "The only trouble with that was that at that time we weren't particularly obedient either. We were just less aggressive about it and we weren't always in the handler's faces. For three months we were moved into different segregated areas of the compound while they worked to get the problem as they saw it under control."
"It was a really bad time for all of us. It was the first time the Units had all been separated for any length of time, and we were not only worried about each other, we discovered that we didn't function as well separated. In the field on our own, we weren't as effective without males because we didn't have the aggression, or the same physiological ability to keep fighting indefinitely. During that time Manticore only attempted to field one all male combat unit and it was such a discipline disaster that over the rest of that three months, there were no male units in combat."
"That time was also bad for woman, in that without males distracting the handlers with their shit, they had much more time to concentrate on us," She grimaced ruefully. "I spent nearly as much time in discipline and punishment over that three months, than I had in total before then."
"The males fared far worse than we did. Once they separated them from us, the handlers found they had even less control. At least within their Units we could control them if their shit annoyed us too much or they were in danger of taking it to far and getting themselves shot. We'd also always controlled the fights for dominance because they annoyed the hell out of us; the handlers couldn't stop them. So without us there they also went unchecked. For the most part, males don't talk about the methods Manticore used, to try and subdue them, over that time, but from the condition they were in when they amalgamated us again, we knew it had been bad."
"We were threatened by our handlers that if we behaved like animals then we would be treated like them, just as the males were. I guess that is a bit of an indication of how they treated them. They don't talk about it now that they're older, but they were different when they came back. They all had hang-ups about their instincts that weren't there before. Some women, myself included, believe that their secretiveness and self consciousness about male stuff, isn't instinctive, but stems from embarrassment and insecurity, that had its roots in whatever they did to them, over that time."
Max could well understand that. She had developed a loathing for heat, purely as a result of negative experiences around it. How much worse, would that loathing have been, if she'd been ridiculed and tortured because of it? Puberty transgenic style, she reflected sadly.
"So how did Manticore manage to get them back into line then Kat?"
"Manticore only had one response, and that was punishment. When that didn't work, they put them into 24/7 lockdown. Then one day, when we went to roll call the males were there waiting for us," Kat swallowed as her mind flashed back to the shock of seeing them that day. "They were in a pretty bad way, they hadn't been feeding or exercising them and they were starving, physically weak and filthy, and many had quite severe injuries, which hadn't been treated."
"We were told that since they didn't know how to behave like soldiers, they would in future be treated like the animals they were. At that same roll call, we were introduced to two animal behaviourists, who we were told would be working in conjunction with the handlers, on male discipline."
"How old were you all then, Kat?" Max asked quietly.
"Thirteen to fifteen."
"We were told, that in future, we wouldn't be individually punished for our own insubordination. Instead, another member of our unit would be shot for every infraction. If it were a unit leader who disobeyed then two of his Unit would be shot. They, the behaviourist knew that given our DNA our strongest instinct was to protect our pack and so they harnessed that. Manticore had re-established discipline and gained back control, before lunch," she ended bitterly.
"Those two behaviourlists worked alongside the handlers to control us up until the end. For the most part, they left the females alone as we were less instinct driven anyway and they had more than enough work controlling male behaviour. They worked up a profile of weaknesses on every male and that combined with their knowledge of their instincts was what they used to control them. The guys purely hated them. The males in our Unit were actually searching for them as Manticore burned. So were other Units, they were the most hated of all of Manticore's officials."
"Alec, was the first to find them, but he was gone by the time the Units did. We knew it was Alec because he'd told them both how he'd kill them when they'd forced him to choose two of our unit to be shot, when he'd failed a mission. He'd been seconded out of our unit, over that time, and Steve was officially our Unit leader so we shouldn't have been punished for Alec's failure. But the behavioralists ordered it anyway. We left them how we found them. Hopefully, they took a long time to die," she ended contemptuously.
The Berrisford mission, so not only did he lose Rachel, they also killed two members of his pack, to mark his failure, Max thought sadly. Alec hadn't been kidding, when he'd told her, it got harder as they got older.
"I guess, we need to talk about what we're going to do about the females in Thor's unit. Any ideas?"
"Not really, I knew what they wanted prior to Thor dying, but I don't know what they want to do now. There are ten of them and twenty males. They used to be Cloud's unit but he was killed escaping Manticore. A few months ago, they joined up with Thor's Unit and accepted him as their Unit leader. The females weren't happy with Thor and they wanted to form their own Unit with Dale as their new Unit leader. Dale wasn't really keen and wanted to wait and give Thor a chance. So they agreed to stay another three months with Thor and see if things improved and if the females still weren't happy then they would form their own Unit."
"The male who killed in the mate fight was Dale. He was Clouds 2nd and the one they wanted as their new Unit leader. The female he was fighting for was Leah. She's the alpha female in that Unit. She'll not want to work with Dale now he's killed her chosen mate, which creates a huge mess because they're a Unit and none of them will want to split away from each other either."
"Plus, there's Grey screaming blue murder because his male was killed. That is for Alec to deal with but…it's interesting. We don't know what that's about because we've never been privy, to any discussion over mate fights."
"But, Steve, has told us that Thor fucked up over this mate fight. So my guess is that Thor maybe violated some of their protocol round mate fighting and that is why Grey also has a grievance," she rolled her eyes.
"Sarah is the alpha female in Grey's unit isn't she Kat?"
"Yeah, she's already indicated, that she's a grievance she wants addressed."
"Make sure she's there, with her females tomorrow morning as well. We may as well hear their grievance at the same time."
Thankfully, we won't have to worry about it until morning, she thought, as she closed the door after Kat.
Climbing across Alec, she lay on her side beside him, and propped her head on her hand. Even, after only a couple of hours, the swelling in his face was starting to subside, and he looked more like himself. Smiling with relief, she stroked her fingers gently across his cheek. There was still a fair amount of bruising but the swelling around his left eye had almost gone. He should be able to see out both of them when he wakes up she thought with satisfaction, thankful for their speedy transgenic healing powers.
The broken ribs and broken collarbone were another matter. His ribs and his collarbone were all taped, and it would probably take a few days before they were no longer sore. However he was alive and safe now and he would be okay, she thought with relief. Indulging her need to feel him warm and alive she leaned over, and brushed his swollen lip, with a feather soft whisper of a kiss.
When he opened his eyes, a couple of hours later, she was still in the same position.
"You're awake?"
"Yeah," he replied in a husky voice.
"How are you feeling? Is there much pain? The medic gave me some pain killers, do you want them?" she asked in a rush.
"I'm okay Max, it's just good to be able to see again."
"I'll get you a drink and some food. You must be starving by now? I'll be right…"
As she swung across him, Alec grabbed her wrist, ignoring the ache of pain in his ribs.
"I'm okay, Max, just stay here for a bit."
She didn't look convinced, but she settled back down beside him, on her side again. He didn't let go of her hand, but settled it on his stomach, rubbing his thumb in a slow circle over the back of her hand. He turned his head and studied her intently, his gaze running over her face lingering on the inviting softness of her mouth and back to her eyes.
"So then, what do you think about me now? Now that you've seen how I live my life. Pretty basic, pretty animal, huh Max?"
She could see a mixture of uncertainty and wariness in his eyes. Unsure, of what he wanted her to say, she stared back.
"Why do you say that Alec?" she ventured cautiously.
"Cause it's true, I'm an instinct driven animal," he shrugged. "I don't have a problem with it, Max, but I thought you might. If you'd stuck around Manticore longer, you would know how it is, for us. But since you didn't, I thought getting a glimpse of how I live may have been a shock for you. Thor's, death was ugly," he ended, his eyes moving past hers.
"You did what you had to do, Alec, it was him, or you, nobody, would blame you for his death,"
"Wouldn't they?" he asked quietly, his eyes sad and old. Once again, Max felt the bite of regret for all the things she hadn't understood.
"No," she answered softly. She looked down at their joined hands were they rested on his stomach. "So don't blame yourself Alec. You only did what had to be done."
"Thor, wasn't always like that, Max. It was Manticore that fucked his head. They did the same things to my head. I could so easily have been the crazy one instead of Thor. Maybe I am as crazy? After all, I just got into a ring and beat one of my own kind to death. That's not exactly sane is it?"
His voice sounded cold, but his eyes weren't, and she felt a painful twisting in her gut, as she stared helplessly back at him. She knew the pain of being forced to kill. Alec might always seem on top of things, and always able to do what was required, but at what cost? She wondered, staring back at him.
"You aren't crazy," she said fiercely. "You did what had to be done for the good of everybody. There was no other way in the time we had. But after we've fought and won our right to survive out here, we can change things. We don't have to do the same as we did in Manticore, it's different out here. We're different out here." She could see his doubt and scepticism as he considered her words.
"We've already changed things, Alec, you and me, just by being together and being happy. By having this baby we've changed things." Gently, she moved her hand in small circles on his stomach. "We've changed Manticore's plan for us, and we're going to keep on doing that. We're making our own lives now, and we can change whatever we fucking well like. Manticore knew nothing about our instincts or us. We don't even know about them ourselves. You told me yourself we're all on a learning curve so our future and who we are isn't mapped out, its fluid and its up to us to decide how we live it. And if you're an instinct driven animal Alec then all I can say is that every transgenic female should be so lucky to have one just like you," she added fiercely.
"They can Max, they're all like me," he answered impassively.
"There's only one of you, Alec, and you're all mine, and I aim to keep it that way." Her expression hot and possessive, she leaned in and kissed his shoulder.
When she pulled back he was grinning at her, that genuine, nothing-held back, dazzling grin that transformed his face and always made her breath catch in her throat. When his smile faded he continued to hold her gaze his eyes searching and intense.
Max, couldn't look away, so many emotions tightened her chest as she looked at him. His face was still battered and bruised, but the swelling was mostly gone, he looked like Alec again, he was alive and safe, and she was so thankful for that.
"Do you mean that, Max?" he asked his face a mix of pleasure and hesitant acceptance. He wanted to hear her say it again. It was so good to finally have her approval after trying so hard and so long for it. Until her heat he'd despaired of her ever looking at him like she was now.
"Yes, you're mine," she repeated possessively. "And I don't care if you turn into a werewolf at the full moon, I am most definitely keeping you."
She watched the confusion of emotions flick across his face. How could she ever have believed he didn't care about what she said to him? She watched him struggle for something to say. He does love me, maybe he doesn't know it yet, but he does, she told herself with certainty.
Alec felt a rush of delicious pleasure as she claimed him. Her words washed over him and left him floundering as he tried to sort through a surge of emotion. "So you're happy with me, Max?" he finally asked, already knowing the answer. He'd known she was happy with him right from the start of her heat. But she'd never said it, and he wanted to hear her say it.
"Have you ever been so happy, Alec, that you're afraid it can't possibly last? Because you know you've never done anything to deserve to feel this good," she answered, her lips quirking in hesitant self-mockery and her eyes filled with emotion.
"Yeah, Max," he agreed huskily, feeling a peculiar tightness in his chest. We're so alike, he thought ruefully, searching her anxious soulful gaze. Ignoring the pain in his body he reached up and caressed the nape of her neck stroking his fingers across her barcode, "I won't do anything to fuck it up, Max," he whispered huskily, as he guided her head down to his. Not intentionally anyway, he vowed silently, as his lips touched the soft warmth of hers.
"You only have to stay alive, Alec," she whispered back, thinking it wasn't him she was worried about fucking it up.
"Yeah, Max," he agreed. He had her, he was free, and so was his unit. They couldn't kill him when he'd had a lot less to live for than he did now.
The touch of her lips were gentle and too fleeting. His hand on her neck he guided her back for another deeper taste. She jerked back as his mouth found hers again.
"Your lip it's split! I don't want…"
"It's healed already. Feel." he murmured into her mouth. He waited until her tongue had gently explored his lips before he opened his lips over hers and sucked her tongue into his mouth.
He'd been kissing her for so long that when he pulled away she lay there, her eyes fluttering languidly. Max watching him as he watched her saw the emotion shadowing his eyes as they roamed her face. "What Alec? What's wrong? Are your ribs hurting?" she asked anxiously, after a long silence.
He wanted to tell her he loved her, but he could feel that hard ball of reluctant fear forming in his gut.
"Huh, Max, no I just…I was just thinking, I love kissing you, " he mumbled, feeling like a fool. Who would think telling someone you love her would be this hard?
She smiled brilliantly at him "I love you kissing me too." Her eyes fell to his mouth before returning slowly to his eyes. "So, why did you stop then? The low teasing huskiness of her voice sent a bolt of awareness and desire through him.
His stomach rumbled loudly.
"Ah I see you're obviously hungry for something other than me?"
"I'm too weak to handle you at the moment," he teased against her throat, suddenly aware of how light-headed he was feeling. "How about I eat and get my strength back and we pick up from where we left off?"
"How about you eat and then you rest?" she disagreed decisively. "Just like the medic told you," she added, bracing her hands against his ribs as he sat up.
"With a little help I could do both," he ventured, his eyebrow raised in hopeful expectation.
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Alec leaned back in his chair grinning as he rubbed his now full stomach.
Max, her elbow leaning on the table and her chin propped on her hand had been watching him in amazement as he'd consumed the vast amount of food Biggs had left for him. Where the hell had he put it all? Running her stunned eyes over the array of empty ration containers she peered at his flat stomach and washboard abs. Certainly not in there.
"Don't even tell me what that was all about Alec?" she said rolling her eyes.
"Okay," he laughed. "Did, Steve, say what he'd done with Thor's males?"
"Yeah, they're in lockdown until tomorrow."
"I'll sort them out once I've had a couple more of hours sleep."
"They'll keep until tomorrow. Tonight, you're doing what the Medic ordered Alec. Resting."
"Thor's females where are they?"
"They've been released and are back in quarters until Kat and I see them tomorrow. Steve told me that Thor fucked up over this mate fight."
"Yeah, that's right Max," he agreed levelly. "I think I'll go back to sleep for a couple of hours. Wanna come and keep me company?" he suggested, smirking hopefully at her.
"Yeah, okay," she agreed. The medic had said he had to rest until his adrenaline stores had regenerated and she was determined that was exactly what he was going to do. Even if it meant anchoring herself to his side all night. Hardly a hardship, she thought, a smile quirking her lips as her eyes ran over his bare footed Jean clad figure as he walked slowly and stiffly into the bedroom ahead of her.
And after he'd slept she wanted to find out what he knew about this mate fight and what he planned to do about it.
"How long before you can use your arm again?" she asked, her eyes on his taped collarbone.
"Four or five days at least. Same for the ribs," he sighed. "This couldn't have happened at a worst time. I wanted to be in the field the first time we deployed the new fighting Units. These guys are used to working in their own familiar Units with their own pack watching their backs. They've never been in combat without women before, either. "
"Surely, Manticore didn't always work them in their original Units," she asked curiously, as she settled herself on her side beside him.
"Yeah, in combat situations we were always deployed in our Units. Manticore discovered very early that we functioned best in our familiar Units. Fewer casualties, plus it was the only way they could control us. If you fucked up they punished the other members of your Unit, which ensured nobody fucked up."
"The behaviourlists figure that out?" she asked.
His eyes snapped to hers. "Who told you about them?"
"Kat, is there a reason she shouldn't have?"
"No," he answered defensively, his eyes sliding off hers.
"She said they were the most hated of all the Ordinaries at Manticore."
He didn't answer, and she could tell he was uncomfortable.
"Does it bother you, that they called in animal behaviouralists to control us?" she guessed.
"Not that they called them in, but that it worked. Those bastards were able to control us just because they knew how to manipulate our instincts. Male instincts, Max, not yours. They didn't bother with females, you aren't as instinct driven as us. No matter how hard I train and discipline my mind and body, it means nothing when my instincts come into play."
"We're both instinct driven animals Alec. I used to worry about it when I lived with Ordinaries and had to hide the real me. But I don't now. Not since my heat and I stopped hiding from my real self. And yeah, Manticore did use our instinct to protect what is ours to manipulate and control us, and maybe they managed to taint them for us. But we're free of Manticore now they no longer have power over us. So now, we're free to appreciate our instincts and everything else that makes us different from Ordinaries." She thought about her heat, something despised until she had enjoyed it with him.
"I like who you are, Alec, and a big part of you is your instincts." She didn't see his sceptical expression as she nuzzled his ear. "I like you just the way you are, every hot, sexy, animal inch of you," she breathed throatily in his ear, as she traced its delicate inner workings with her tongue.
She felt the gentle tug of his hand in her hair as he tilted her head back so he could look at her. His sceptical eyes searched hers, "You like me just the way I am, huh? Then why have you spent the last year bitching every time I didn't know how to act like an Ordinary?"
She felt her heart plummet. Why indeed? she asked herself helplessly.
"Can I plead insanity?" she offered tentatively.
He stared at her for along moment. "Are you thinking perhaps to offer to make it up to me with sex?" he asked, his eyebrow raised in teasing inquiry.
"I could be," she answered thoughtfully, pretending to consider it and feeling a huge wash of relief that he was only teasing her. "Would it work?" she asked imitating his teasing tone.
"It just might, after you'd convinced me you really do like me just the way I am." He'd tried to make a joke of it, but he found himself blurting what he really felt before he could stop himself.
His tone was still light and teasing but his eyes weren't. They were watchful and vulnerable she realized in panic. This wasn't a joke to him. It was important. Frantically she searched for something, anything, she could say to convince him.
Was this her chance? The moment she'd been waiting for. Was this the right time to tell him she loved him? Or would he just dismiss it, dismiss her. Could she actually say the words through her clogging fear?
He scented her fear. Okay, so she'd said, 'she liked him just the way he was' it was just a throwaway comment, why the hell did he have to make such a big deal of it?
"What are you afraid of Max?" he asked her quietly, immediately wanting to call it back afraid of what she was going to say.
His question finally penetrated her panic. What was she afraid of? "I'm afraid that I'll say or do something else wrong and that I'll fuck everything up," it rushed out of her. In her panic it was said before she'd really had a chance to think.
It was his own fear verbalised and tossed back at him. He stared at her silently for a long time and her sense of helplessness incompetence grew. His face now wore that bland, closed, expression she hated.
"There's nothing to be afraid off. I was just teasing you. Let's just drop it it's not important."
"Yes, it is Alec! One off the best things about having you in my life, right from the start, was the fact that you accepted me for who I was. I didn't have to be always on my guard worrying about whether I was human enough to be acceptable when I was with you."
"I never ever, ever, meant to make you feel it wasn't okay for you to be yourself," she said emphatically. "The only adult males I'd ever had anything to do with were human and you were so different, and sometimes when that made me uncomfortable I did treat you badly. You know I'm sorry for that."
"Yeah, I know you are, Max and really it doesn't matter. I don't even know why I brought it up. Let's just forget it, huh? Just come over here and let's try and get some sleep."
She moved carefully under his arm and into his side and settled her head on his shoulder.
"You're wrong, Alec, if you think I didn't like who you were. I always did, and I do now."
"Yeah, I know Max, it's okay, just go to sleep." He moved his shoulder and settled her further down so she could no longer see his face.
It wasn't okay he didn't believe her. How could he not believe her? Everyday, she tried to show him how much she loved him. She might be new to this relationship stuff and not to good at it, but she wasn't so bad that he couldn't know she at least liked him for himself. This was his shit, not hers. Impatiently she jerked upright moving to his side until she could see his face again. She folded her legs in front of her and glowered at him.
"It's not okay, Alec, it pisses me off that after two months of sleeping in your bed and being your mate you still think I don't like you. Why the fuck do you think I'm here? Why the hell would I mate with someone if I didn't like who he was?"
She couldn't be so incompetent he didn't even know she liked him, she thought despairingly.
"I'm tired, and I'm going to sleep, Max." Why the fuck, couldn't he just keep his mouth shut. He closed his eyes, hoping against hope that she'd just let it drop.
"You're so fucking immature, Alec."
She watched his eyes snap open. Ha, that always pissed him off she thought in satisfaction. And when he's pissed off he at least talks.
"I'm not immature, Max," he ground out. "I'm tired and I need…"
"Tough," she bit out. "You're just going to have to suck it up and listen to what I've got to say."
She watched his eyes narrow and immediately knew she'd miscalculated. He hated to be told he had to do anything. He sat up stiffly, using his abs to pull himself upright. She scooted into him, her thighs on either side of his as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"No, wait please, Alec?" She leaned her body against his stiff back and slid her arms around his waist from behind. "I don't want to fight."
"Me neither, I just want to sleep."
"Just answer me one question?"
His body was tense against hers but he hadn't tried to move way from her. It was easier talking to him like this. Easier when he wasn't looking at her.
"So, tell me then, Alec, we've been together for nearly three months now and every single day I've been happy with you and everyday I've tried to show you that I, that I…how I feel, but I've made such a bad job of it you think I don't even like you for yourself."
"I didn't say I thought that. I know you're happy with me. I know you like it in my bed. But you like the human side of me. You don't know my other side. That's all I was saying. I didn't mean to bring up old history."
He felt her stiffen and her body withdraw until only their thighs were touching where they rested along the outside of his.
He thinks, I just like to fuck him, she thought numbly. She'd thought everything was going so well between them. Every day she felt closer to him and all along he'd thought she was only with him because she liked to fuck him. Not only that she'd had absolutely any inkling that he felt like that. Her thoughts in turmoil she slid out from behind him and started to change her clothes.
He watched her quietly. At first he'd thought she was angry, but it wasn't that he realized not able to gauge what she was feeling because she wore that still emotionless mask he loathed. She'd asked him, and he'd told her. It was the truth. She didn't know him but it had also been the wrong thing to say. He could tell that by how she'd withdrawn. And where the hell was she going? He wondered uneasily.
She did know him her numb mind told her.
"I always knew you were there right from the start Alec," she said, as she pulled her jeans off.
At first, he didn't know what she was talking about.
"My instincts may not be as keen as yours but I was always aware of you. I always knew if you were around, all those times you had my back when I was doing Logan's crap."
She glanced emotionlessly at his surprised face.
"When I was in hospital that time I knew you were there, so there was no point in calling you. I never said anything when you ranted at me for not calling you because there didn't seem much point." She pulled her cargo pants on. "I knew you were just doing what you had to do. Protecting me just like Zack and my brothers and sisters had. Just looking after your own, as your instincts dictated."
She knew he was just doing what his instincts demanded he repeated in his head, as he watched her rummage through her drawer.
"So, how is that not knowing you Alec?"
"I knew when you weren't there too. Like when Zack tried to kill Logan and him and I fought. And earlier on today when Kat was telling me about the mate fighting, I figured out why you weren't there,"
His head came up and his eyes locked in challenge with hers.
"Yeah, I remembered how I didn't see you for a few days over that time, and when I finally did you had some inexplicable injures very similar to these." She ran her eyes over his body. "And if I remember correctly you were really defensive about them. I would have realized you'd been fighting at the time if Zack had also been injured."
He shrugged as he remembered how quickly Zack's body had repaired its injuries. He met her eyes unwaveringly. He would have preferred she hadn't figured this out and it was embarrassing that she had, but he'd done nothing wrong. He had nothing to be ashamed off. He'd challenged for her in the proper way. He'd approached Zack as her Unit leader to stake his claim. Zack had refused him and staked his own, so they'd fought.
"So who won then?" she asked curiously as she changed her top.
Might as well tell her he had nothing to loose. He watched her pull her bag out from the bottom of the wardrobe. "We were too evenly matched. One of us would have had to kill the other. Neither of us were prepared to do that so we fought each other to a standstill," he replied tonelessly, remembering how keen Zack had been to do just that.
"So, what did that mean exactly?"
"It meant, that unless he tried to put his scent on you, Max, I wouldn't have fought him again. Is that why you're leaving?" So much for her liking every, animal, inch of him, he thought bitterly, watching her jam her clothes into her bag.
"No," she sighed. "I figured that out before the alpha fight and it's got nothing to do with anything. I just need some time to think." She didn't need to see his sceptical face to know he didn't believe her. "The only one trying not to kill anyone in that fight would have been you, Alec. I know how fucked up Zack was then. Contrary to what you think in some ways I know you very well."
In all the ways that count, anyway, she thought sadly. "If you and, Zack, were fighting then I'm sure it was only because you couldn't see any other way." She could see his shock and confusion.
"So, why are you leaving then?" he asked, even more confused.
"I need to think so I'm going to stay with Cece, for a few days."
"So, is this going to be what happens whenever I say something you don't like? You're just going to leave like a sulky little girl. And you're the one always telling me I'm immature," he scoffed. "Yeah right."
He only said it to piss her off. Once he got her angry she wouldn't leave. She'd want to rant at him and he'd have time to figure out what to do.
Don't let him piss you off she told herself as she shoved her clothes into her bag.
It was never very hard to annoy her and he was good at it. He tried again, "So, where are you going to be staying then. Outside of TC now you'll be a liability to us, a security risk," he told her patronisingly.
"I'm not leaving TC," she said mildly. "I'm just going to Cece's for a few days. I don't want to argue with you, Alec."
He watched her zip her bag up in total panic. He could always make her angry. Why wasn't it working?
"So you're leaving because of what I said then?" he asked, in a panicked effort to get her to stay and talk to him.
"No, it has nothing to do with what you said, " she replied tonelessly, her back to him as she opened the door. It's not what you said, it's what you feel, she thought sadly.
"I just need some time on my own to think about things. That's all, its nothing you've said or done it's just about me."
Bullshit, he thought as he leaned over her and pushed the door shut. "Everything was fine before I said you didn't really know me, Max," his hand was still leaning on the door. "Isn't this a little bit of an over reaction. Just packing your bag and leaving because I've pissed you off?" he demanded.
He was angry now. Everything had been fine. Less than half and hour ago she'd been telling him how happy she was, and now she was leaving without even caring enough to say why. His eyes raked her still emotionless face as she stood quietly, her gaze fixed firmly in front of her. God, how he hated that face! Furiously he grabbed her bag and threw it across the room.
"That would have to have hurt your ribs, Alec." Calmly she retrieved her bag.
Fuck yes, it had. Feeling like an idiot he stood there as she ignored him and quietly waited for him to move away from the door.
"I'm sorry for…"
"Don't apologise. I've already told you there's nothing to apologise for. I just want some time to myself. What's so hard for you to understand about that?" she asked in frustration.
"Yes, there obviously is something wrong. What I said pissed you off or you wouldn't be leaving me," he shot back in frustration.
He was really starting to annoy her now. "I'm not leaving you," she enunciated carefully like she was speaking to a child. "I'm just going for a few days to think about things." Reaching around him she tried to open the door.
"I'm not moving Max. I want to at least know why the hell you're leaving me and don't give me any more bullshit about how I haven't done anything, 'it's about you,'" he mimicked angrily.
"And what the hell isn't about you anyway?" he added furiously.
"I'm not leaving you, you great oaf," she shouted, completely loosing any grip she had on calm. Who the hell did he think he was?
"I just want some time to think about things," she reiterated through clenched teeth. What the hell was wrong with him? If she wanted to leave she damn well would.
"You can think about things here," he glowered furiously.
"I'll think about things where I fucking well choose. Not where you tell me!" she yelled back. "After all, you can't fuck me for a few days so there's not much point to me hanging around anyway. Is there?" she demeaned angrily. Oh god, why did I say that?
Groaning inwardly in horror, she felt her anger draining away. That's the first time, he'd ever done that she thought as she watched him flush.
Relieved he'd at least got a reaction Alec glared back at her his flare of anger gone. Furious Max he could handle. Calm unreachable Max he couldn't. He knew he'd fucked up. Argued with her about nothing when she'd only been trying to be nice to him. So she didn't know him very well. Big deal. He knew she was trying her best. And he sure as hell hadn't meant to give her the impression he only wanted her around if he could fuck her, he thought guiltily.
"Look, Max, I shouldn't have said what I said. I don't know why I did," he said truthfully. "I know you were only trying to be nice to me. I'm just strung out cause I'm tired. I don't want you to go tonight. Not like this. Let's talk about it and if you still want to go in the morning, you can."
"Don't tell me what I can or can't do. I can go now if I want to Alec. You can't stop me. Who the fuck do you think you are?" She wasn't angry any more but he wasn't telling her what she could or couldn't do either.
"Yeah, you can," he agreed, moving stiffly away from the door. "But please don't. Stay until the morning. I really need to sleep tonight and if you go like this I won't. I'll worry about you."
He knew if was blackmail but he didn't care as long as it kept her here and gave him a chance to talk to her. It seemed to be working he thought hopefully as she stood indecisively in the middle of the room swapping her bag from hand to hand. If he just said, nothing else she might…with a sinking heart he watched her head for the door.
"There's nothing to worry about I'm not leaving TC. I'm just going to Cece's."
"I told you I wouldn't do anything to deliberately fuck it up Max. Why are you?" He'd done all he could. If she still wanted to leave without telling him why then so be it.
She just needed to be on her own to think about her failure, to think about what she was doing wrong and what she needed to do differently. Why couldn't he understand that and just let her go?
"I'm not, I just…"
Preoccupied with thinking about how to explain her need to lick her wounds in private, her eyes absently roamed his face. The tape across his nose was white against his skin.
Suddenly it all felt wrong. What was she thinking? Forgetting his sore ribs Alec turned away to quickly. She saw his involuntary grimace of pain when his hand automatically went to brace his side.
Her thoughts went to the other time he'd been injured and had needed transfusing. She'd been going to leave him then too so she could see Logan. This was the same thing. When he'd told her how he felt and she'd realized things between them weren't going as well as she'd thought, it had scared her. As usual her first impulse was to run away like a coward. Leaving him injured and thinking he'd done something wrong, when his only crime had been to tell her what he was feeling. The unwelcome, but all too familiar feeling of inadequacy swamped her again and she looking longingly at the door. Dropping her bag she followed him back into the bedroom.
He glanced at her in surprise, "I thought you were leaving?" he asked impassively. He wasn't going to argue and make it any worse. If she didn't want to stay with him she had a right to leave without him trying to make her feel bad, or guilty about it. He wasn't Logan. At least she would be safe in TC and he could talk to her tomorrow.
"I'm sorry, I overreacted. I guess I'm just jumpy cause I need sleep. Your right, if you want to go to Cece's for a few days its no big deal," he lied. It was a big deal to him and it felt wrong. But then he was new to this and maybe time apart to think was a good thing. Just because he had nothing to really think about didn't mean she didn't.
"No, you're right Alec we've both got a lot on tomorrow it would be stupid…" she trailed off, not really having any explanation and suddenly feeling like an idiot. How did she explain she'd just done what she always did with him? Let her fear act, instead of her head or her heart. Tried to run away again the minute the going got tough. Okay, so things between them weren't as good as she would have liked. She could think about what to do about it just as easily here, as somewhere else.
Alec felt the tension he hadn't really been aware of leave his body in a rush. He couldn't believe his good luck. A minute ago she'd been angry and ready to march out the door. Now she was standing awkward and subdued in the doorway. He hadn't the faintest idea what had changed her mind but he gave silent thanks for whatever it was. Wearily he leaned back against the headboard. One thing for sure with Max around things were never dull.
"It's been a really stressful day I guess we're both just tense and strung out. Let's just try and get some sleep, we'll both feel better for it."
"Yeah," she agreed, feeling inadequate and foolish. Relieved that he hadn't asked her why she'd changed her mind she knelt on the bed to swing across him. His hand on her arm he stopped her. Sitting on her heels, her knees on either side of his thighs they were eye to eye. His hand cupping her face he guided her down until their noses were touching.
"I'm glad you stayed Max."
"Yeah," she agreed, her eyes sliding off his. "Sometimes I can be immature too," she offered with a quick rueful grin.
He grinned back, as she swung across him.
"You don't look very comfortable Alec?" she ventured watching him slowly manoeuvre onto his back.
"Yeah I am," he assured her. "It's only movement that hurts. My arm is okay as long as I don't jerk it around. Just don't jolt me," he said, as she settled tentatively against his side.
It was still early evening and although she was mentally and emotionally exhausted she wasn't really sleepy. So she had plenty of time to think. She'd known right from the start it wasn't just sex for him. He really did care about her. What was she doing wrong that he didn't feel she cared about him awas only with him because of the great sex?
They may have got together because of her heat, but sex on its own wouldn't have been enough to make her stay with him. She'd done everything she could to show him she loved him. She'd tried to treat him with the same care he treated her. She'd even watched Kat with Steve to see what she did. She just didn't know where to go from here.
TBC
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