I should probably mention that I don't own any of the Zelda characters or the games.

Chapter 4: LonLon Ranch

[We see Link slowly heading for LonLon Ranch. His eyes are starting to get very droopy].

Link: I can't believe this crap. I can't get any sleep! Malon is a quiet girl. I can probably get some sleep at her place (walks into LonLon Ranch and finds Malon singing in the field).

Malon: FAIRY BOY! I'm glad you can come and visit me!

Link: So tired.

Malon: I heard that you were at Zelda's a little bit ago.

Link: I was looking for a place to sleep. She tried to seduce me so I left.

Malon: (smiles sweetly) Awww. You are choosing me over Zelda!

Link: I'm ten years old! I don't want a girlfriend right now. I just want to sleep.

Malon: I can supply you with a bed.

Link: That would be great.

Malon: You can sleep in my bed!

Link: As long as it is comfortable and in a quiet area of the house.

Malon: Anything for you Link (leads Link to her house and to her bedroom).

Link: (climbs into bed) Thanks.

Malon: Goodnight Link.

Link: (lets out a loud sigh).

Malon: (leaves the room) If I let him sleep in my bed and keep things quiet so he CAN sleep, he will fall madly in love with me and we can get married someday. Heehee.

Link: This is what I call peaceful. No noise or anything.

KAWK A DOODLE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Link: (sits up quickly) What was that?!

Malon: (outside) SHUTUP YOU STUPID ROOSTER. MY LINK IS TRYING TO SLEEP!!

KAWWWWKKKK A DOODLE DOOOOOOOOO!!!

Malon: IF MY EVIL PLAN FAILS BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AND HAVE YOU FOR DINNER!!

Rooster: (gulps).

Link: Hopefully that will be the last of the noise.

[Everything is quiet for a few minutes, when suddenly the sound of an argument is heard right outside Link's door].

Talon: You can't take over the ranch!

Ingo: I can and I will! The great ganondorf gave me permission to take over.

Talon: Ganondorf is locked in the sacred realm!! How can he tell you that you can take over the ranch?!

Ingo: Incase you didn't hear. I great Ganondorf has escaped.

Talon: (gasps)

Ingo: That's right! The Queen of Hyrule let him free. She apparently got upset with her husband about something and did it out of spite.

Talon: You can't kick me out! I work my butt off here! I do much better work now.

Ingo: I know. I just feel like owning the ranch again. It's a sense of freedom and tyranny I get when I can own something.

Talon: You're a horrible person.

Ingo: (grinning) I know! Now get the hell out of my ranch. (chases Talon out with a sword).

Link: (lying awake) Oh goddesses. Not this again. Lets see now. 3. 2. 1.

Malon: (bursts into the room) LINK! Ingo kicked my father out of the ranch again!

Link: So I heard.

Malon: You must do something! I don't want to suffer again!

Link: Too bad. (turns over to try to sleep).

Malon: FINE! If you won't help me then I won't help you.

Link: How have you ever helped me?!

Malon: Letting you sleep here. (flips the bed over).

Link: (hits the ground) OOF!

Malon: Now get out of here.

Link: FINE! I was going to go steady with you but now I don't! (storms out of the ranch).

Malon: (gasps) I'M SORRY LINK!!! COME BACK!!

Link: No.

Malon: Can you at least bring my father back!

Link: NO!! (heads for Death Mountain).