Er, yes you are right. You have waited long enough. Sorry I will be quicker with the next chapter.
Chapter Twenty-FourMax slowly became aware of her surroundings. Waking up was getting harder as her pregnancy advanced. She was nearly three months and had never needed to sleep as much as she did. Unfortunately tonight she'd been awake for most of the night anyway. She lay quietly orientating herself, the events of yesterday rushing into her mind, along with the anxious nag of dread that had been with her when she'd finally fallen asleep.
At least Alec had slept in fact he hadn't stirred all night. Lying here like this so close to him physically she had never felt so alone or distant from him. What if she never managed to convince him that their relationship wasn't just about sex for her? How long would he be happy to stay with someone whom he thought not only didn't love him but who didn't even like him? Not long she thought her dread growing as inadequacy swamped her. Why would he settle for that when he could have anyone he wanted?
She had never been surer of anything than she was that she loved him, she knew without a doubt. Who would have thought it would be this hard to show him. How incompetent was she? Not only did he not know she loved him but he felt she didn't even like him. How could she have gotten it so wrong? She'd tried so hard to show him but not only had she failed miserably, she'd been completely oblivious to the fact he thought she was only with him for the sex. What if it wasn't just Alec she thought she didn't love him? What if she couldn't show her baby that she loved it either? What if she failed there as well? She fought to blink back the tears of shame and failure and to push down the deep and terrible fear that engulfed her.
Alec's eyes snapped open, he'd become used to the scent of Max's tears. Both her heat and her pregnancy had meant that her emotions were closer to the surface. She was just as likely to cry if she was happy, as when she was sad. He knew it annoyed her how quick she was to tears and even though he knew it was just hormones he found it disconcerting as well. Without thinking he tightened his arm around her and tried to roll onto his side towards her. The pain in his ribs was immediate and excruciating and he groaned in agony.
Max froze her liquid, brown eyes found his her hand involuntarily moving to his taped ribs. "It's alright Max, I forgot and moved to fast that's all," he assured her his eyes searching her face. This wasn't just pregnancy hormones he could smell her fear she was really upset about something. Ignoring the dull ache in his side he pulled her closer as she anxiously tried to hold herself away from his injured ribs, her tears momentarily forgotten.
"Alec, you'll hurt your-"
"What's the matter Max," he interrupted, his worried eyes moving over her face. "Last night I was a jerk. I know you were only trying to be nice to me. I'm sorry, if that's why you're crying…" he trailed off suddenly doubtfully. If that's why she was upset, how come he could smell fear? Why would she be afraid?
"Nothings the matter, you didn't do anything last night, its just pregnancy hormones that's all," she mumbled, feeling foolish as she vainly tried to hold back the unwanted tears once again sliding down her face. "I wouldn't have left you injured, like this" she assured him gravely, her eyes large, liquid and intent on his. "I didn't leave you the last time either."
He didn't know what to say, he knew she was talking about the last time he'd been injured, and it was true she hadn't left him then or this last time either, but she had been going to, both times. He didn't really understand what she wanted him to say but she needed him to say something, he realized as he watched her eyes grow more distressed as he stared silently back wondering what she wanted from him.
"No you didn't Max," he agreed cautiously. That was pretty innocuous. It can't make anything worse. He smiled optimistically, at her. It had though, he acknowledged at a loss, his smile fading as he watched more tears slid down her cheeks. The smell of her fear was getting stronger. He hated that smell on her. "Tell me what's wrong, Max? If you don't tell me I can't fix it," he coaxed, frowning. "It can't be just hormones or you wouldn't be afraid."
"I'm not afraid," she denied irritably, "It's just my stupid hormones." Scrubbing her eyes she glared balefully at him. "I suppose you think I'll be a useless mother don't you?"
What the fuck? He gazed at her in bemusement, how the hell had they got to this? Is that what was worrying her?
"I think you'll make an excellent mother, Max," he assured her without hesitation.
At least he didn't have to think about that one for half and hour she thought angrily before she registered exactly what he'd said. Her eyes swung to his. "You do?" she asked suspiciously. "Why? I'm obviously not good at showing people I care about them. What if I'm no good at showing the baby I love it either?
"What makes you think that?" he asked frowning, totally at a loss.
She was really worried about this. She'd stopped crying and had calmed down but the scent of her fear still lingered. "All the important people in your life know you love them Zack, Cindy, Joshua…Logan," he added grudgingly. His eyes flicking momentarily off hers before returning to hold her gaze. "Why would the baby doubt it?
Max returned his gaze her eyes steady her mind working furiously. He was right. Of course he was right she realized her relief overwhelming. Zack and Cindy and Joshua all knew she loved them, and she'd even managed to convince Logan she loved him when she didn't. So why the hell couldn't she convince Alec who she really did love she wondered in frustration?
"Why do you leave yourself off the list off important people in my life, Alec?" she asked him quietly. She could tell she'd taken him by surprise as she watched a range of emotions shadow his eyes. Feeling his stomach muscles clench under her hand as he prepared to pull himself upright, she slanted her leg across him to keep him there.
"I want to know why you'd run through a list of people important to me Alec and include Logan but leave yourself off. What the hell is up with that?" she demanded.
"Nothing is up, Max I think I'll get up and get up an early start," his hand on her leg he tried to move it off him.
She resisted. "Not this again Max," he sighed in exasperation as he subsided back onto the bed, his eyes on the ceiling. "Look, I don't want to fight with you, okay. I didn't mean to leave myself off 'the list.' I meant nothing by it." He didn't want to talk about this he thought uneasily, he'd only end up saying something he'd regret and probably piss her off again.
"Then why did you include Logan?" she persisted into the silence.
She can't argue with herself if he just said nothing maybe she'd just forget it and let it drop, he thought knowing it was a forlorn hope.
"You've been on my list of people I care about since I met you. I care more for you than I do for anybody else and certainly more than I ever did for Logan."
His head swung to hers. As his eyes locked with hers she saw the shock and raw emotion, before he blanked them and she was looking into the bland emotionless face she hated. He smiled that empty meaningless grin that went with the hated face.
"Yeah, okay Max," he agreed emotionlessly, as he slowly and stiffly started to sit up.
Surprised at his withdrawal, without thinking Max reflexively slid her bent leg up and pushed him back down again. Horrified she saw him flinch as he fell back his grip on her leg crushing. "I' I'm sorry Alec I didn't think I didn't-"
"Why do you like to hurt me, Max," he interrupted his voice raw and full of emotion.
Max instantly knew they weren't talking about his ribs. She stared wordlessly back at him, in that moment realizing that just trying to show him she loved him was never going to be enough. They had too much between them for that to ever be sufficient. He was not only going to need to hear it she was going to have to convince him she meant it.
Sighing, she belatedly realized she was no longer afraid of telling him and regretfully lamented when she'd thought her own fear was her only obstacle. It wasn't her fear but his fear she'd have to overcome if she was ever going to convince him she loved him. Her eyes scanned his face as he stared stonily in front of him. One of the biggest barriers to that was he wasn't ready to hear it she reluctantly accepted.
"I would never hurt you, intentionally," she answered simply.
He'd known that she hadn't hurt him deliberately. Why the hell was he such a jerk to her? He knew that if he talked about this he'd end up saying something he'd regret, and true enough he already had. He hadn't deliberately left himself off the list of people she cared about. He knew she cared about him, but he'd just been hesitant to include himself towards the top of her list. That was all.
When she'd said he was up there with Zack, Cindy and Joshua, for a fleeting moment he'd thought she was saying she loved him, but then she'd gone on with all the nonsense about caring more for him than she'd ever cared for Logan, and he'd known that it was just more of the emotional confusion she'd been in since her heat.
He knew she was doing her best. A lot had changed for her in the last three months, who could blame her if she was still off balance and hadn't sorted her feelings out. But having that fleeting moment of hope and then loosing it had still hurt. Swallowing past the lump he hadn't realized was in his throat, he became aware his preoccupied staring was making her uncomfortable.
So okay, convincing Alec she loved him wasn't going to be as easy or straightforward as she would have liked. Nothing ever had been with Alec anyway she reflected, her lips quirking involuntarily. That was one of the best things about him; nothing was ever predictable or uncomplicated when he was around. He needed to know she loved him, wether he realized it or not she thought determinedly. In time he would grow to accept that she did and maybe his care for her would grow into loving her in return. Soon, she hoped, it was scary feeling this way on her own she acknowledged uncomfortably, growing increasingly more self conscious as he silently held her gaze.
Finally unable to bear his scrutiny any longer she broke their gaze and nuzzled his ear. Immediately his hand went to her head and he wove his fingers in her hair.
"If you don't want to piss me off, Alec, then don't ever leave yourself off a list of people I care about again," she told him quietly her lips on his ear.
His hand in her hair he turned her face until their eyes caught, gently he rubbed his nose on hers. Good, she thought as she watched his lips quirk in a quick smile and she gazed back into his once again unguarded eyes.
"I like the way things are between us Max, I'm happy and so are you. Right?" he asked, his eyes questioning on hers. Smiling when she nodded in agreement, he again nuzzled her nose with his. "So, its okay to leave things as they are? Right?" he asked, his expression quizzical his eyes again wary as he waited for her to answer.
"Yeah," she agreed softly, regretfully, knowing it would have to be left where he needed it to be left. Her heart ached both with the need to tell him she loved him, and from the pain of knowing he didn't want to hear it.
"Okay," he murmured huskily, nibbling her lower lip. "How about we pick up where we left off yesterday then?" he murmured sucking on her lower lip."
She sighed heavily. Doesn't he have any common sense whatsoever? He could hardly move. There was no way they could do what he'd just whispered in her ear. Not without jolting his ribs anyway. Never the less she couldn't help but admire his resolve. Sighing again her eyes drifted closed as his mouth closed over hers. She returned his kiss with the same fire and passion he offered her until she felt him try to move, and he groaned in pain into her mouth. Guiltily, her own desire rapidly abating she pulled back and looked at him.
"We can wait a few days until your ribs are better and you're not in pain Alec."
"I don't wanna wait," he murmured, nuzzling the warm scented hollow behind her ear. "Let me worry about my ribs Max they're fine," he answered as he carefully pulled her compliant body closer.
He looked at her in surprise as she removed his arm from around her and moving away from him she settled herself on her back beside him. She slid her arm under his neck turned her head on the pillow beside his and smiled brightly at him. She tried hard to suppress her amusement as he appraised their new position; his eyes darting quickly back to hers.
"So no sex then Max?" he sighed despondently.
"Not while you're hurt, Alec, it won't kill us to wait a few days," she told him not sure whether she was more exasperated or amused.
Sex would be better but this wasn't too bad either he thought, as her hand stroked soothingly across his temple and through his hair. Surprisingly good in fact. His eyes drifted closed. Too bad they had to be up in an hour. Even without sex her touch was just as good. Comforting he thought nuzzling his face into her neck.
A few days abstinence won't kill us. His body was repairing itself at a rapid rate anyway. He should be as good as new in a few days. Baring the tape on his nose his face was virtually normal again and all the swelling and bruising had gone. "Your body repairs itself a lot quicker than mine. Is that just you in particular? Or is that another gender difference," she asked running her fingers idly through his hair.
"Another gender difference Max we're built for different things."
Yeah, she thought appreciatively, Viva la difference.
"Kat and I are seeing Thor's women this morning. Did you know that they had wanted to leave Thor's Unit and form their own Unit with Dale as their CO? His warm breathe on her neck was distracting, she thought as she played with his hair.
"Yeah, I knew that, Max, but Dale wasn't to keen he's only young, Tav's age. It's a big responsibility taking on a Unit. He wanted to give Thor a chance first before he made a decision."
He wasn't as worried about her being involved in sorting this out as he had been. The way she'd handled the alpha fight had astounded him. She'd not only accepted it but she'd tried to comfort him. Plus she'd also accepted he'd fought Zack for her. He was coming to trust she was beginning to understand and accept the way it was for him. Maybe even starting to accept who he was.
"The fact that both Dale and Leah the female he was fighting for, are from the same Unit, adds another complication to what is already a nightmare to try and sort out.
"So who will take command of the Unit now then?"
"Dale will have to Max, he's the only one suitable. The only one in that Unit with the allegiances to take over."
"What," she sputtered horrified. "He's killed Leah's chosen mate. Not only are you not going to punish him you're going to make him her CO. What the hell is that about Alec?" she demanded, her hand stilling in his hair.
"Dale is the only suitable CO within that Unit. If he doesn't take command then we'll have to amalgamate them under another CO. The Unit won't want that, and we have nobody available that can take responsibility for 30 extra bodies, anyway," he answered, sensing her growing annoyance and regretfully thinking she was going to stop touching him soon.
"Dale is the only chance they have of staying together Max. They've been together since they were children they won't know how to split up."
"What about Leah? She won't want to be in the same Unit with him let alone work with him as alpha female. She's the victim here, not, Dale, and she's certainly not going to be further victimised by being torn away from her family."
"Pack, Max," he corrected her, disappointedly realizing she'd definitely stopped touching him. A shame, for some reason it was always easier to talk to her when she was touching him. She didn't seem to get so pissed off with him.
"Yeah whatever, I don't care what we call them. It just isn't happening!" she insisted, moving away from him until she was lying on her side beside him.
"There is a possible solution?" he suggested neutrally, thinking it probably the only solution. "Grey's had a male killed illegally and I have to compensate him. His Unit is very short of females and he would take Leah gladly. According to Grey his male had no intention of going to Thor's Unit, Leah wanted to come to his Unit. Since Leah was intending to go to Grey's Unit anyway she may still be prepared to do that."
"Do alpha females usually transfer units?" Max asked doubtfully.
"Not usually, no, that has been puzzling me to, but Grey was adamant that was the situation." Alec replied shrugging.
"Well she would have been intending to go with her mate, Alec. Going alone to a strange Unit is not the same thing. That's not a solution that's making a sacrifice of Leah. No, she won't be doing that," Max decided her eyes determined as they met his. "A women's mate has been killed illegally Alec, what are her rights," she asked impatiently.
"She's entitled to compensation. The male killed was her mate so she has first claim on his killer. Her Unit can demand that the killer is released to them and they would normally kill him. However in this case it would be pointless because it's his own Unit, they won't kill him, nor will they let her."
"Grey also has the right to ask for Dale to be turned over to his Unit but he isn't asking because he knows the fuck up was not Dale's fault. This situation is Thor's responsibility. Every male in TC knows that and there isn't one who would allow Dale to be disciplined for it."
"Grey has had a male killed illegally and he is asking for compensation, which I will provide as best I can." He'll probably want the equivalent of my firstborn child Alec thought with resignation. "You'll have to sort out if there is some way to compensate Leah." He knew as he said it how inadequate it was but he had nothing more to he could offer.
"How do you compensate a
woman for the senseless killing of her mate?" Max demanded indignantly. "How the hell can you kill someone and not
be responsible, Alec?" she asked angrily. "That's just ridiculous."
Alec snorted humourlessly at her naivety. "Very easily Max and that is what happened here." His face was closed and wary and his eyes unwavering as they met hers.
"Alright then tell me why he's not responsible? Tell me what happened? If we can convince Leah that he is blameless then maybe they will be able to continue to work together." Dubiously she waited for him to answer.
"Even if I wanted to Max I couldn't tell you, it's male business." Women finding out about mate fighting was every transgenic males worst nightmare. Their instincts were their own business they had to deal with them and they preferred to do it privately.
Male business indeed she thought impatiently as his eyes moved past her and fixed on a point just past her shoulder, "Not anymore Alec it's now every bodies business. It may have been male business when it was secret but now it's women's business as well. The women in Grey's Unit want justice for their pack mate. The women in Thor's unit don't want to loose either Dale or Leah."
"This particular incident is no longer private male business. It now involves women with grievances and when I meet them this morning they will be demanding the full facts. To ensure that justice is served and more importantly that the best outcome is achieved for everybody, they will have to have those facts. I think you know that, Alec?" she added quietly.
"Yesterday after the alpha fight I had women demanding to know why you were all gathered together without us prior to the fight. There isn't a woman in TC who'll settle for anything less than the full facts. I understand mate fighting has always been male business in the past," she ventured carefully. "However women know about this fight, and Dale has killed a woman's chosen mate, if it isn't straight out murder then the reasons for that have to be made known."
Alec eased himself carefully onto his back, his expression closed as he stared impassively in front of him. Disappointment sliced through him as he stared bleakly at the ceiling. She's got no idea. He'd been mistaken in assuming she was beginning to understand 'the way of it' for males, let alone accept it.
"He was protecting what was his Max," he replied tonelessly.
It had been a mistake to stop touching him she realized anxiously feeling the distance and disconnection between them even thought they were only inches apart.
"This can't be swept under the carpet. The women directly involved won't be fobbed off without answers and nor will the rest of us Alec. We have a right to know," she ended." Immediately she knew it was the wrong thing to say she could tell by the muscle now ticking in his jaw even if she couldn't smell his anger.
"What about our rights Max? Our right to not be pushed into coming forward before either you or we are ready. What would have happened if you had found out Zack and I were going to fight for you, huh?" he demanded angrily.
"I would have chose you as my mate, Alec," she replied knowing it was true but also knowing he wouldn't believe her. Her eyes narrowed in furious irritation when he laughed uproariously.
"Max, you would have bitched me out, mocked me and probably never have spoken to me again so don't give me that bullshit," he answered cynically.
She glared at him in angry frustration. Instinctively reaching out to pinch him she stopped when she remembered his ribs. He raised his eyebrow mockingly as he realized her thwarted purpose, which made her all the angrier so she pinched his waist below the strapping anyway. He grabbed her hand and held it in a crushing grip his eyes angry on hers.
"Don't you dare fucking tell me what I would have done," she ground out furiously. "I would have taken you as my mate I would never have let you and Zack fight over me. One of you would have had to explain it all to me of course because hey I'm not a fucking mind reader. Unlike you who knows what's going on in my head better than I do," she raged jerking her hand free.
"I'm sick and fucking tired of you doubting whatever I say. When the hell have I ever lied to you? What the fuck is wrong with you?" she hissed furiously as she moved to roll of the bed.
She felt his arm around her waist as he pulled her back.
"What? You're leaving again? Running away because you don't like what I've said," he demanded.
"No, I'm not," she shot back immediately. I'm not running away she repeated in her head feeling herself start to calm down. She was flat on her back and he was he was lying beside her his arm around her waist and his body partially on top of hers restraining her.
He was still angry; really angry she realized her eyes drawn to that muscle ticking in his jaw. What the hell was happening that they couldn't spend five minutes without fighting? They'd been talking about Dale and Leah and suddenly they were arguing about their own personal stuff. They had fought more in the last twenty-four hours than since her heat had started. She didn't want to fight. I hate fighting with him.
"We have to sort this out, without letting our personal stuff get in the way." It had seemed harmless enough when she said it, but it wasn't she realized, as she watched the little muscle ticking in his jaw speed up. His angry eyes found hers again.
"That's just it Max that's what you don't get. To me it is personal. Killing when we're in our instincts is transgenic business not military and is adjudicated between the alpha's." he answered angrily. "Killing our own when we are on war alert is a breach of discipline punishable by death. That is why every male in TC was in the car park prior to the alpha fight. They knew women had found out about this mate fight, and they had come to make sure that Dale was dealt with fairly, because we all know that one day that could be us."
Max's eyes flicked between the ticking muscle and his angry eyes her mind running over everything. She remembered what Kat had said about transgenic males all being the same except for their faces, and also what Alec had said about all other transgenic males being exactly like him. Preoccupied with her thoughts she rubbed the palm of her hand absently on the ball of his shoulder.
She was rubbing his shoulder and it was annoying, distracting him, making him focus on her instead of what she was saying. Carefully accommodating his ribs he shifted again making sure his weight wasn't heavy on her. She was right he grudgingly acknowledged he had to do the best he could for Dale, and the meant everybody understanding that he had killed in his instincts. The killing was therefore an illegal killing not a breach of discipline.
He was all too aware he only had one vote when it came to transgenic issues. Both he and Max would have to be in agreement for any resolution. This wasn't the time to air his personal stuff with her. Not that he wanted to do that anyway; he acknowledged cursing his new inability to keep his mouth shut. The sooner his ribs were healed and he could go back to sex instead of talking the better as far as he was concerned.
He jerked his shoulder away from her hand bringing her focus back to him. She noticed the absence of the ticking muscle, still angry, but calmer she decided. Ignoring his pointed irritated glance at her hand she continued to rub his shoulder. One thing she'd discovered very early on about Alec was that touch connected him like it connected her. Since her heat she'd also discovered that when he was touching her it brought her focus straight to him and she started thinking about him and not what had made her angry. It always calmed her down and she thought it was probably the same for him.
Yeah, definitely working. He's much calmer and less tense she congratulated herself as she felt his angry tension subsiding as she continued to rub his shoulder. Her glance flicked from his ribs to his eyes as he shifted again. "I'm not going anywhere Alec, if you're not comfortable lie on your back," she splayed her hands across his ribs to brace them in readiness for him moving.
"They're fine much better, I'm just trying not to be too heavy on you, Max."
"You're not," she assured, reaching up and pulling his head down. "If I promise not to apologise, will you?" she whispered her cheek against his.
"Yeah," he agreed smiling. "You're right. If we're going to sort this out properly we have to keep our own personal stuff out of it." So far easier said than done he admitted ruefully to himself.
"If you tell me that Dale's not responsible Alec, I believe you, because I trust your judgement. That's not even an issue for me." As she said it she realized how true it was. If he believed Dale should not be held responsible then she trusted him completely, but she still needed to know what had happened.
"However the women involved will still need a full explanation." She couldn't tell what he was thinking and his expression was odd but his eyes were on her and he was listening.
"Leah has lost a mate and she's now about to loose a pack member. Don't you think she deserves to know what happened? Do you think if it was you who'd been killed that I would let your death go un-investigated and your killer go free without an explanation? So you think I would just let myself be shunted into a strange Unit and forget about you? Do you think the other women in your Unit would tolerate that either? She noted his silent agreement.
"No. We wouldn't. We would demand answers and if we didn't get them we would go looking for them ourselves. This morning I meet with the women in Grey's unit as well as Leah's and they will be demanding answers. If you don't provide them Alec they will go looking for them themselves?"
She had a way of cutting right to the heart of an issue he acknowledged and she was absolutely right. If the illegally killed male had been from his Unit his females would be demanding answers and if they didn't get them they would go looking for blood. Grey's females will be the same, but to explain Dale's situation he would have to explain the mechanics of mate fighting and how that operated for males.
The implications of that were much bigger than this one incident, but what other choice was there. She was right this was no longer just male business She was still rubbing his shoulder but it wasn't annoying him now, in fact it felt good. His eyes roamed her face absently as he thought about her words.
Max could see his indecision. He doesn't know what to do she realized as she looked into his conflicted eyes. He's a good leader and he wants to do the right thing but his instincts are telling him to keep this to himself. Or maybe it's his Manticore experiences and conditioning telling him its safer not to trust.
"This mate fight has resulted in what appears to be a needless death. It's left a lot of angry women with very real grievance. Out here things are different. You don't need to hide who you are like you did in Manticore. Maybe its time for you to trust us? You're all our brothers and our mates Alec we need to understand what is going on for you. None of us are going to judge you anymore than you judge us for our heat. If we no longer have to hide from Manticore why would we choose to hide from each other?"
His eyes were fixed intently on hers and she could see him mulling her words. She couldn't read what he was thinking but he was listening to her. He was no longer angry, and her feeling of disconnection from him had gone.
"I know the least of any of the women about any of this, Alec, and I've accepted without question that your instincts dictated you fought with, Zack. If it is the same for Dale then the other women will accept it as well. The best way to work this out is for you and me to work together."
He continued to appraise her wordlessly weighing up her words. She could tell when he decided to trust her before he began to speak.
"For a male to claim a woman in our way, he has to register his interest with his CO, who goes to the CO of the female. If there are prior claimants her Co tells his. He decides whether or not he's prepared to fight for her. If he is prepared to fight, his CO arranges it with her CO, and he fights. Whoever wins has first claim to her and fights all challengers for as long as he wants, or until she chooses a mate."
"If women know nothing about this then what if the female choose a male who isn't fighting for her."
"That's only ever happened when women are either in heat or there's been a screw up as in Dale's case." Alec shrugged. He didn't quiet understand why it always happened like this.
"We never deliberately step over another males claim our instincts don't allow it. Sometimes a woman will have strong interest in a male who doesn't have first claim to her. In that case the CO's will talk and the first males CO will do his best to persuade him to give up his claim. If he won't as is most likely the case, then both males are ordered to make themselves known to the women within a certain timeframe and her decision is accepted as final."
"What if she doesn't want either of them?" Max asked, her mind furiously running through the implications of this for women.
"To my knowledge that's never happened. What almost always occurs is that the woman picks the male with the first claim anyway, even though she has shown strong interest in the other male." We've never been able to figure out why that is."
Max felt like laughing out loud at his puzzled thoughtful expression.
"The system works well for us. It's well organised and it avoids the uncontrolled situation that Dale found himself in, thanks to Thor's incompetence."
Watching his discomfit and unease as he talked Max realized what an incredible leap of faith he was making in telling her any of this.
"When Dales unit joined Thor's, he registered his claim to Leah with Thor, like he was supposed to. All males interested in alpha females know there is going to be other interest, so the males in the females unit often fend of a lot of casual enquiry themselves. This is what had been happening in Leah's case. Dale had fought four challenges for her. That signalled to any other male with interest that Dale already had an emotional connection to her, and he was probably prepared to kill to keep his claim. So unless they knew they were much better fighters, or they also had an emotional attachment, they wouldn't have challenged him."
"Grey's male unfortunately, didn't enquire casually through the Unit. If he had, he would have been told of Dale's claim and in my opinion he wouldn't have challenged for her because he definitely didn't fight in Dale's class. He made his approach to Grey, who approached Thor, as is the way of it. Unfortunately, Thor either because he was fucked in the head and genuinely did forget, or for some mischief of his own didn't tell Grey about Dale having first claim. In the meantime I sent Thor's and a couple of other Units into the hills looking for stray transgenic children. Leah stayed back with her injured second."
"Grey's, male thinking there was no other interest moved on Leah. In the two weeks her unit were away she obviously accepted him as her mate. When the unit came home, Dale was a few minutes ahead of the others." Probably eager to see her, poor bastard.
"He met Grey's male unescorted, in the stairwell of his territory with the smell of the female he already considered his mate all over him. Grey's male wouldn't even have known what hit him, only that he was fighting for his life. Dale would have been in his instincts from the moment he scented, Leah. His instincts would have gone for a kill. The whole thing probably wouldn't have taken a minute. When the rest of Dale's Unit got there, the other guy was already dead. It took them a while to get Dale off him and by that time Leah, and the other females in the Unit knew what was happening."
"The whole thing was a comedy of error and misfortune. If the other male had know Dale had prior claim then he would not have put his scent on Leah nor would he would not have been in another Units territory unescorted. If Dale had known she'd chosen the other male as her mate he would not have been anywhere he would make contact with either Leah or that male until he had things straight in his head. When he encountered Grey's male not only in his territory but also with the smell of his female on him, the outcome was a forgone conclusion. The whole sorry fuck up was down to Thor not looking after Dale's interests and failing to give Grey the right information so he could look after his males interests".
This was nothing like she'd imagined Max thought in bemusement. Mate fighting had seemed so primitive and frankly ridiculous when Kat had first told her about it. But the organization and common sense to it given what she was coming to understand about male instinct made perfect sense. At least form a male perspective. She would need to think on it for a while before she decided if it worked from a female perspective. "So are you saying that Dale is blameless because he couldn't control himself," she asked in clarification.
"No Max. I'm saying Dale is blameless because his territorial instinct responded, not him. He didn't summon the response and he couldn't send it away. His instincts responded in exactly the same way every other Transgenic male would have in that same situation. His instincts sent him after a kill. The only thing that could have prevented him killing Grey's male was if his Unit had been there and able to forcibly prevent it, and he would have fought them. We have as much chance of controlling our territorial instinct Max as you do of stopping your heat from coming."
A powerful comparison. It certainly helped to put it all in context she thought as she struggled to digest it all. It now made perfect sense why Alec would think Dale was blameless.
Telling her hadn't been easy but now he had he felt a lot better. All she had to do was understand how it was for males, she didn't even have to accept it, just understand it so they could sort this mess out as best they could.
She knew that trusting her with this hadn't been easy for him and his eyes were weary and guarded as he waited for her to respond. Her hand lingered as she tucked his hair behind his ear. His eyes flicked to her hand and then hesitantly back to her eyes.
He saw the flicker of something he couldn't decipher in her eyes but they weren't mocking and she wasn't angry any more, in fact, her expression was warm he decided. She understands he realized feeling a painful wash of relief.
"So we have to figure out a way to keep the Unit together with Dale as the CO but without disadvantaging Leah?" Max summarised. "No small task," she added smiling ruefully.
"Yeah," he agreed thinking how good it was to be able to talk this over with her. "That would be the ideal outcome but I don't see how it's possible. She's refused Dale as a mate and he won't be able to be around her until he's got his head straight and he's managed to disconnect his instincts from her."
"How long would that take?" Max asked curiously.
Alec shrugged, he thought about how long it would have taken him to disconnect from Max if she hadn't taken him as her mate and wondered if it was even possible.
"He won't be able to stay in the same Unit as her, Max."
"So far we know that Grey wants compensation but there isn't much else we can do until you've met with the women and we know what Leah wants. The important thing is we both agree that it's an illegal killing and not a breach of discipline."
"Right," she agreed her affectionate eyes roaming his face. He looked strained and tense again she thought her hand going to the tape on his ribs. "Are they sore Alec?"
"Nah, they don't hurt at all unless I move." It wasn't the ache in his ribs bothering him but the ache in his groin. She'd been touching him while he'd been talking. Not even in a sexual way but it had still made him horny and he wanted her. She shifted, her movement bringing them into more intimate contact and having an immediate effect on his already enthusiastic body. She hadn't missed it either he realized watching desire momentarily flare in her eyes before she banked it down again.
"We can't Alec there's nothing we can do that either of us would be able to keep still for. We're just gonna have to wait until your not so sore," she finished, smiling as he buried his face in the curve of her neck and groaned.
"We still have a while before we have to get up. Just talking is nice, too," she offered playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. Grinning from ear to ear she struggled to suppress her laughter as he grunted his unenthusiastic agreement against her throat.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Max looked around the table at the women gathered. Eleven women from Thor's unit including Leah, fifteen from Greys including Sarah his alpha female. There was a fair amount of tension between the groups. Understandable really. Grey's Unit had lost one of their males and Thor's thought they were about to loose Dale.
"Are their any women here going on the mission tonight?" Max asked scanning the room. Five hands went up no six. The female beside Leah lifted her hand up for her. A dazed and withdrawn Leah didn't even appear to notice. She looked as stunned and as shell-shocked as I would if it had been Alec who'd been killed as senselessly as this.
She wasn't tall probably about Max's own height but there was something about her, even quiet and lifeless like this she was beautiful. Given what Alec had told her surely Grey must have thought it odd that she had no other suitors. She had the same creamy skin, green eyes and red hair as Kat but hers was a lot curlier, she looked a bit like those pictures of the huge assed women in art books, in fact.
"Okay we'll hear Sarah's Unit first and then Leah's. Then Kat and I will tell you what we know."
As Sarah talked Max studied the women with her. Sarah didn't really tell her anything she didn't already know. What did come through was her that their male Canine had been a well-loved member of their Unit and they were really angry at his killing. Nothing less than Max had expected.
"What do the women in your Unit want to happen Sarah?" she asked when Sarah had finished talking.
"Grey has told us he's asked Sir for compensation for Canine's illegal killing. We've told Grey we won't accept that and he's not to do it on our behalf." Our Unit claims Thor's male in the normal way as is our right."
Out of the corner of her eye Max saw the woman next to Leah jab her hard in the side with her elbow. Leah, with the aid of her seconds elbow, started to take in what was happening.
"Let me get this straight Sarah your Unit cannot agree on what it wants here." Max felt the ripple of discontent from the women with Sarah.
"There are ten more males in our Unit than there are females. It usually doesn't matter when we vote because the males don't vote in a block. On this they did. We don't understand it. We don't like it. And we're not accepting it. It doesn't count," Sarah stated adamantly, to the murmur of agreement from her females.
"If Grey thinks that is how things are going to be done in our Unit he can fucking well think again," the woman beside her added heatedly.
"That's Mila she's Grey's mate," Kat whispered.
"I would also like to ask Leah why the hell she didn't tell me she had another male interested in her?" Sarah asked angrily.
Leah had shaken herself out of her inertia and met Sarah's eyes unwaveringly. "I didn't Know Sarah. If I'd known of course I would have told you and I would have told Caine and he wouldn't have been in our territory. I'm sorry, so sorry."
Her voice faltered and Max watched in sympathy as she struggled to hold back her tears. Max heard the murmurings of acceptance from Sarah's females.
"We accept what you say Leah and we understand you didn't know. That is the way of it." Sarah shrugged fatalistically. "We don't blame you the responsibility lies with Dale," she told a now openly crying Leah.
Well that's good at least the two Units will go away from here with no animosity between them Max thought leaning forward to talk to Leah. She felt Kat's hand on her leg in restraint. Not knowing what was going on she sat back and waited. Leah continued to cry and Max could feel the tension mounting as they all waited in silence.
"You have not acknowledged Sarah's words in the normal way Leah. Why is that?" Kat asked finally.
The woman who had been sitting next to Leah spoke, "The Unit has decided that I will speak for us on this."
"That's Kara, Leah's second," Kat explained.
"Speak then," Max, agreed.
"Leah wants to acknowledge in the proper way. We would all like to but we can't. It would be a lie. Leah didn't mate with Caine. She changed her mind."
Changed her mind Max thought incredulously. Could this get any more screwed up?
Sarah's eyes went from Leah to Kara. "She'd accepted him. She was coming to our Unit. It had been agreed," she said indignantly.
"Leah wanted Dale. She's always wanted Dale but he wouldn't come forward. We knew he was fighting for someone because he was being injured. Leah had convinced herself that he'd chosen Ser… somebody else and so she decided to accept Caine as her mate. However she changed her mind… before she mated with him. As is her right." Kara finished her gaze locking with Sarah's
Grudgingly Sarah nodded in agreement. "As is her right."
"When Dale encountered Caine on the stairs Leah had just told him she'd changed her mind and he was understandable angry. That was why she didn't escort him out of our territory herself. She didn't call me because our males were on recon and we weren't expecting them back for a few days. So she saw no need. We carry the responsibly for Dale encountering Caine unescorted and we offer our heartfelt apologises to Sarah and the rest of her Unit for our negligence."
Max noted the angry mutterings from Sarah's females.
"Even if Leah had changed her mind about mating with Caine it still wasn't a mate fight. It was a straight out breach of discipline in a war situation. Our Unit shouldn't have to ask for him. He should be executed it's a straight out military issue." The murmurs of agreement from Sarah's Unit had started before she'd even finished speaking.
"No it's still an illegal kill…" Leah interrupted, before Kara's elbow hit her hard in her ribs silencing her.
Yes its definitely better she doesn't speak Max thought as she noted the angry glares now directed at Leah. They don't want to hear here defending Dale.
"Our Unit challenges that." Kara continued. "It's not military business. Dale was definitely in his instincts. We were there. We all saw him. There are 30 witnesses to that fact. That makes it an illegal killing, and therefore transgenic business and it must be adjudicated by the alpha's, as is the way."
"Yeah, all witnesses from his own Unit."
Max didn't have time to look for who had spoken. Her attention was riveted on Leah and Sarah both on their feet now and facing off. She felt Kat's unnecessary restraining hand on her leg.
"Are you challenging the honour of my Unit Sarah? Are you calling us liars?" Leah asked in angry challenge.
Sarah stared at her for a long moment. "No. I'm not calling you liars. If your Unit says Dale was in his instincts then we do not question you."
"Do we?" she asked her own Unit her voice hard, her eyes still locked with Leah's.
Max assumed their silence was agreement.
"Then control your females." Dismissively Leah flicked her eyes off Sarah and sat back down.
Kara waited until the female Sarah had jerked her head at had left the room. "We know we were in the wrong for our failure to escort your male whilst he was in our territory," she continued.
"Had Caine had an escort
would it have made any difference to what happened?" Max interrupted Kara. Stoically she ignored the puzzled
expressions of the other women. No point in worrying about what they thought of
her lack of knowledge. If she didn't question she'd never figure things out.
"No. Breach of territory on its own doesn't send a male into his instincts. It was Leah's scent on Caine that did that. They would have fought wether we'd been there to escort Caine or not. However we still failed to do our job and for that we have offered our apologies."
"So do we have agreement here that this male was in his instincts and this is transgenic business and not a breach of military discipline," Max asked the assembled women.
It looks like Alec might get his ideal outcome Max thought as she watched Leah's tears of relief as the women in Sarah's group individually voted their agreement. At least she obviously still cares what happens to Dale.
"Do we also have agreement that this was a mate fight?" Max asked.
"We have no such agreement. We've accepted Dale was in his instincts when he killed Caine but Kara's Unit has yet to offer any evidence as to why that was."
She heard Kat sigh beside her.
Kara sighed. "The only evidence we can offer that Caine was fighting because he thought Leah was his to defend is that over the last eighteen months he's been seriously inexplicably injured three times. We all knew he was mate fighting for someone."
"Were their corresponding deaths in other Units?" one of the women in Sarah's group asked.
"Not to our knowledge."
"He's a good fighter," someone grudgingly commented. "If he'd fought as many as three mate fights you would think there would have been corresponding deaths."
"It means nothing. The better the fighter the less likely he is to kill unless he wants too. Dale would never kill his own kind unless he had no choice." Kara responded. "All the females in our Unit thought he was fighting for Leah. She's the only who doubted it" she added.
"Sometimes they hide it so well even we get it wrong. Kara." Sarah sighed. "That cannot stand as proof."
"Agreed. Sometimes they do. Dale however wasn't particularly good at hiding it. The only one who doubted it was Leah. Also his behaviour changed to Leah immediately following the fight. When he came out of his instincts she was crying and upset. He totally ignored her. Turned his back and pretended she didn't exist."
"Are you saying he'd started the distancing?" Mila asked.
"We all thought so."
"What is the distancing? Max asked. Again she ignored the looks.
"When a male has been rejected and a female has chosen someone else he has to try as best he can to sever his connection to her and disconnect his instincts. Out here it is easier. He can remove himself from her life. In Manticore that was often not possible so if a rejected male encountered a female who had rejected him he would act as if she didn't exist. Ignore her."
"Did that actually work Max?" asked incredulously.
"Nah, but it made them feel better."
Max laughed with the rest of them.
"What did work was physical distance and finding them another mate really quickly. Which is what the alpha females in the units do," Kat added.
"That is all the evidence we have," Kara continued. "We also offer the word of every female in our unit, except Leah, that we've always believed that Dale was fighting for Leah," Kara finished.
"We've heard the evidence from Kara and we understand and accept it" Sarah responded. "Its all stuff we would use to gauge if a male from our own Unit was mate fighting. But it's not enough. Caine is dead. If we decide Dale was in his instincts because it was a mate fight then we cannot discipline him and he goes free. "We have to be sure. Would this be enough evidence for your Unit to decide Kara?"
Kara's silence obviously meant it would not be Max decided. It would certainly not have been enough evidence if it had been anyone from their Unit who had been killed either she thought.
"And there are many other things that also don't add up," Sarah continued. "If this was an ordinary mate fight why were the males in both our Units fighting with each other after it? That has never happened before. Males protect each other over these stupid things regardless of their Units. So why were they fighting?
"Why does Grey want compensation if this was an ordinary fight? Compensation has never been asked for or paid as a result of mate fighting. Also why were the males from all the Units gathered prior to the Alpha fight? Unit leaders never allow them to congregate like that without us. That was insanity," she continued.
"Males from your Unit also hit the alpha Unit." Sarah raised her arm in the gesture of calm as Leah catapulted out of her seat again.
"We know the distinction between Cloud's old Unit and Thor's. We know it was not your males involved in that Leah. We are not saying that," Sarah assured, as Leah subsided back into her seat.
"What we're saying is none of this adds up to a simple mate fight and we're not agreeing it is until the male alpha has given us the full facts and reasonable explanations for everything," she ended, to the murmured agreement of not just her own unit but Leah's as well Max noted.
"Alec has already given me the full facts and reasonable explanations for all of those things. However I want the agreement of everybody here that what is said here stays in this room until after the mission tonight. Then we will all have a women's meeting to discuss this further. Until we do this information stays here. It's not to be discussed with anyone outside of this room. Are you clear on that?"
Catching the eye of each woman in turn Max went around the room until all had nodded in agreement.
"Dale has fought four mate fights not three for Leah. The males all know this and know without a doubt that it was a mate fight. They were all gathered prior to the alpha fight to ensure that because women knew about this fight it would be treated no differently than all the others." Max proceeded to run through a summarised version of what Alec had told her. "That is why your males voted in a block to ask for compensation for Caine's illegal killing. They know it wasn't Dale's fault and they will not kill him for it," she concluded.
Complete silence enveloped the room when she'd finished talking.
"Yeah I know how you're feeling," Max said into the silence. "It's a lot to take in and we all need to sit down together to decide what it means to us. We will do that after the mission tonight. For now this stays here with us. Agreed." She waited until the murmurs of agreement had died down. "Sarah your unit has heard the facts as I had them from Alec. Is it enough for you to accept that Dale was in his instincts because he was defending the mate he knew he had a prior claim too?"
Max waited as Sarah caught the eye of each of her women in turn. Good, unanimous she thought as the last women nodded in agreement.
"Yes. We agree that the killing was not Dale's responsibility and we withdraw our request for him to be turned over to our Unit. That is the way of it," Sarah ended formally."
"Thank you all for coming and for your patience while we've sorted this out. Those of you who are on tonight's exercise I will see later tonight. In the meantime Sarah's Unit is free to go but Leah's needs to remain." Max waited until Sarah's women had left the room.
"Thor is dead and you're now a Unit without a CO. Obviously that isn't workable." As she said it Max thought how true it was. If there was one thing she'd discovered since hooking back up with her own kind, it was that Transgenics needed the security and structure of the pack. They just didn't function well on their own. They needed strong leadership.
"Dale has been suggested as your new CO. I understand the males in your Unit still want this, but obviously it can't happen without your agreement. Before we meet with Alec and the males in your Unit we all need to be clear on what you want. Is it-"
"Thankyou for your help Max," Leah interrupted haltingly.
She hadn't said a word and had been quiet and withdrawn since Max had finished recounting what Alec had told her.
"I knew they wouldn't accept what Kara had as proof it was a mate fight. I thought they would insist on killing him. Thank you for that," she repeated her voice faltering with emotion.
"That's okay Leah," Max answered, thinking that keeping the unit together was looking like a real possibility. "So have you and the rest of the women talked about what you want to do now?"
"Yes. We want Dale as our CO," Leah answered without hesitation. "But I, but I …," she faltered.
The women around Leah shifted and Max could feel their tension.
"But? Max coaxed curiously after a long moment of tense silence.
"But I would like to request a transfer to another Unit," Leah rushed on.
For God's sake Max thought in frustration simultaneously hearing Kat's sigh of exasperation along with the audible discontent of the other women in the room.
"Let me get this straight, Leah? Kat asked. "You're about to get the CO you and the other females in your unit have wanted all along. You've just discovered that same male, who you've wanted to mate with, has been fighting for you? Why after all that has happened would you want to be transferred to another pack?"
"I would like to be transferred," Leah insisted stubbornly.
"Explain?" Max snapped at the end of her patience.
"I have shamed my Unit by not making sure Caine was escorted while he was on our territory. Because of my indecision and doubt Caine was killed and Dale could have been as a result of what he did. My Unit deserves a better alpha than me," she mumbled."
"Yes. Your Unit has breached protocol in allowing an unescorted male on their territory and it will pay compensation for that." Kat answered. "However it was Thor's incompetence that was responsible for the illegal killing not yours. It would have made no difference if you had been with Grey's male. Dale didn't kill him for the territory violation. Your doubt about whether he had interest in you was understandable. Dale wouldn't come forward so how were you to know. You've done nothing wrong here Leah."
"It doesn't feel like that," Leah replied desolately.
Kara stood up again "Leah is our alpha. We want no one else. We won't accept Dale as our CO if it means loosing Leah from our pack. We've all voted on that."
"He won't want to work with me after this. It would be to hard for me too. Its better for everyone I transfer," Leah insisted stubbornly."
"All right then Leah," Kat replied crisply, "We'll arrange a transfer for you and I'll take over as temporary alpha of your Unit. I will off course need to find Dale another mate as soon as possible. Does the Unit have any internal suggestion?" she asked casting her eyes quizzically over them.
"No," she confirmed when no response was forthcoming. "Well not to worry. I was thinking that Serita, from Drago's Unit, might be a good choice," Kat offered, trying to keep a straight face as she recalled the fight she'd disciplined both Leah and Serita for a few months previously. At the time neither had been forthcoming about its cause, Kat now had a pretty good idea what it had been about.
"No. Not her," Leah snorted in disgust. "She doesn't care about him. I told her he was fighting for her and she'd better mate with him pronto but she didn't care," she burst out indignantly, much to the amusement of the women around her.
"Leah. If Dale still wants to mate with you? Will you accept him as your mate and will you stay with your Unit,' Max asked.
"He won't want me, now," Leah mumbled.
"But if he does?" Max persisted patiently.
"Yes, but if he doesn't want me then I will transfer," she insisted determinedly.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It looks like Alec's going to get his ideal outcome Max thought with satisfaction as she, Kat, Leah and the rest of Leah's females made their way across the compound towards Alec and the group of males she recognised as Thor's old Unit.
Maybe not? she thought her eyes on Alec's tense face as he detached himself from the group and made his way stiffly towards her. She could see the lines of strain around his mouth and her eyes fell to the arm resting stiffly against his side. His collarbone is giving him trouble. He should really still be home in bed. "I'm going home to get those pain killers the medic gave me for you," she offered her eyes anxious as they met his.
"Tav's just got me some. I'm fine Max," he assured her his distracted eyes on Thor's Unit.
Max watched the large dark haired male standing beside Tav flick his eyes to Leah before he turned and stood with his back to her. That must be Dale she guessed. She could tell by the discontent tense faces of the other males that they weren't happy with whatever had been decided. "What's up Alec?" she asked quietly as he drew her aside.
"It looks like you won't have to worry about Leah not wanting to work with Dale. "He's refusing to take command of the Unit and is insisting on a transfer. So she won't have to," he said with resignation. "He doesn't think she'll want to work with him now he's killed her mate and he thinks it's best for all that he transfers. He'll be no problem to place; in fact, I think I'll take him into our Unit. However it means that after the exercise tonight Thor's unit will have no CO. I still have no one suitable to command them," he ended in frustration.
Her attention distracted Max watched Leah approach a stiff backed Dale and stop a couple of feet behind him. Forlornly she stood there hugging herself as she started to talk. Max couldn't hear what was being said but it was off to a good start she thought as she watched Tav hastily depart and Dale turn around.
"Dale's unit is a specialist Unit integral to tonight's mission he'll command them for that but after-"
"Leah didn't take Grey's male as her mate Alec she changed her mind at the last minute," Max interrupted, watching Dale tentatively put his arms around a distressed Leah.
"What do you mean changed her mind? A guy was killed and your telling me she changed her mind?" Alec echoed incredulously, his eyes following Max's to where Dale was comforting an emotional Leah.
"She didn't know he was fighting for her Alec. Had she known she would gladly have taken him for her mate, she loves him."
Suddenly overcome with the sadness of it all Max moved into Alec and put her arms around his waist. How are we supposed to know if you don't tell us she thought rubbing her check on his chest as she felt his good arm close comfortingly around her, the injured one more slowly?
"You okay, Max?" he asked his concern evident.
She hugged him back relishing his concern for her. Closing her eyes in appreciation she once again gave heartfelt thanks for the life she'd found with him.
"Yeah," she said softly, as he started to stroke her hair. "Leah will mate with Dale and stay with the Unit if he still wants her."
"He'll want her Max, he's climbed into a ring and risked his life four times because he wanted her. He'll still want her," he reiterated with conviction.
Yeah, she thought thinking about Alec and how he'd also risked his life fighting Zack for the right to approach her and then been to afraid to tell her how he felt. Afraid to tell me he loved me she thought sadly feeling a painful lump of emotion and suddenly knowing with absolute clarity the truth of it. All the things he'd done for her. All the times he'd been there for her, ran through her mind along with her own disdainful, intolerant, uncaring treatment of him. Who could blame him for being afraid? Her heart contracted painfully as she remembered the panicked vulnerability on his face when he'd admitted he had wanted to mate with her prior to her heat?
Her heart aching, tired of worrying about whether it was the right time, or if he wanted to hear it and just needing to tell him, she slid her hand across the back of his neck and pulled his head down until her lips were touching his ear. "I love you Alec," she whispered, feeling an instant flash of relief and happiness that she'd finally said it, finally told him.
It's how she felt and she needed him to know. It didn't really matter what he did with it she realized as she stepped backwards turned quickly and headed towards Leah and Dale. Did she just say she loved him Alec asked himself in bewilderment? His stunned eyes flicking to her face as she pulled away from him. She avoided his eyes and he was left staring after her retreating back as she headed across the compound?
TBC
Please review it reminds me to update.