I remember a time when it was he who kept saying "I love you", over and over again, so many times a day. I can't even imagine that now. It doesn't feel as though any of this should have happened. The change is staggering. Back then, I could never, in a million years, believe things would be as they are right now.
But you can't look back. You can never go back. You can never undo the present to regain the past.
You can never go home. That innocence, that feeling, is forever lost.
And the Sandman knows.
Subaru was shocked to discover that both the priest and the old lady were alive when they exited the confessional, that the church was void of the essence of the sakura, and that the priest—who was still vacuuming and did not notice Seishirou's cigarette—had not heard the grille break. Now he and Seishirou stood behind the church in the violet-clouded dusk, Subaru pressing on his arm through his coat to stop the bleeding and their slippers exchanged for their outdoor shoes, staring at one another properly for the first time since exiting the confessional. Seishirou had a half-amused, half-preoccupied smirk, watching Subaru with his cigarette dangling loosely by his side, smoke curling and dissipating around his hand. He had put on his sunglasses at some point after exiting the confessional, which was just as well, since Subaru knew if he could see Seishirou's eyes the ice behind which he had obscured the full, confusing well of his emotions would shed; so long as Seishirou was wearing those damn glasses, Subaru found it easier to focus controlled, simmering anger.
Seishirou was consistent, if nothing else. Every time they met he seemed unaffected, guiltless and free as he had been for eight years, an alien satellite content in his anonymity. He was wearing the same enveloping, black trenchcoat and black suit he had worn since Subaru had known him for who he truly was—aside from the colorless attire and an additional, sadistic edge, shorter, straighter hair and no eyeglasses, there was no difference between the man standing before Subaru now and the flirtatious, corny veterinarian Subaru had run into in a subway eight years ago. Subaru loathed the consistency. The lack of lines made trying to chart Seishirou's true nature and intentions all that much more impossible, working on the same principle that the best liars are such because they truly believe their own lies.
Does he see me as any different than I was nine years ago? Who am I—who have I always been to him; what part of me makes me still me? What part of me has he always seen as defining 'Sumeragi Subaru', that part of me that makes me 'me' no matter how much else changes?
Does the man who never changes know the meaning of 'identity'?
"—we are what our experiences have made us—"
"…and we can never go back," Subaru mumbled, watching Seishirou, who was taking a drag of his cigarette. Smoke plumed and curled around his face.
"What?" He exhaled smoke when he spoke.
"Why did you call yourself the Sandman?" You can't have been at the Opera House; I would have sensed you in an instant—can't have been in Paris, I would have known—but he eluded you in the confessional snuck in you said "Are you all right?"—
Seishirou smiled cryptically and edged a cigarette out of its nearly-full box with his thumb, then offered its end to Subaru. Subaru pulled the cigarette out and fished in his pockets for a lighter, sifting past Erik's bunched necklace and half-disappointed when he actually found one, and held the cigarette between his teeth, lighting with one hand and shielding the flame with the other. Rain was coming; the underside of the leaden sky was dark indigo, and the wind carried the scent.
"How have you been doing, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru took a long drag of his cigarette, exhaled, and watched the smoke dissipate in wispy clouds. "…as well as could be expected." Answer the question, Seishirou-san. I don't want to dance around this all afternoon.
Seishirou made a small noise of amusement. "That's good. I'm glad to hear that."
They stared at one another and smoked for a long time, Subaru uneasily, angrily, and trying to collect his thoughts, clutching his bleeding arm, Seishirou amusedly with his head cocked, thinking. Seishirou had long since smoked his cigarette to its filter and had seated himself on a low wall jutting out from the church, sweeping his coat under him and stretching his long legs, tapping his toe to some mental beat. He leaned back on his arms and inhaled the stormy air.
"Ahhhh. Lovely weather we're getting this time of year, wouldn't you say?"
"Have you always been so brutal, Seishirou-san?"
"Hm?" Seishirou said to the sky.
"When did you…" Subaru paused, collecting his thoughts. "…become like you are? Unable to feel. Did… something happen to you somewhere along the way to make you the way that you are?"
Seishirou sat up. "Something been on your mind lately, Subaru-kun?"
"Why won't you answer anything today?"
"You're adorable, you know, Subaru-kun."
"Seishirou-san…"
"Yes, I've been this way as long as I can remember. Why do you ask all of a sudden?"
"You're sure nothing happened… I don't know, in your childhood? As a teenager? Something you don't remember?"
Even as he said it, Subaru knew how ridiculous it sounded. Seishirou started laughing.
"Well, Subaru-kun, as soon as I remember something I don't remember, I'll be sure to tell you."
What's the point? He'd lie anyway unless it made him look good.
"Why?" said Seishirou. "Are you trying to find 'some real me' somewhere beneath the surface of that big, bad Thing that made poor Seishirou-san so cold and heartless? Is that is, Subaru-kun? You're not going to find him. He doesn't exist."
"He's not…"
Subaru paused, hoping Seishirou had not heard what he blurted. Seishirou was waiting patiently, leaning forward on his arms.
"…he's not the veterinarian you knew nine years ago, Subaru-kun." Seishirou smiled. "But it's cute that you think that could possibly be how I actually feel. I'd think you'd know better by now, after what I've done to you."
"And you still don't feel a thing?"
Seishirou was still smiling. "Not a thing, Subaru-kun."
Subaru seethed and clenched his fists, fighting the urge to whack Seishirou across the jaw with the back of his fist. A white-hot, sick monster was uncoiling in his stomach, churning and making him taste metal in his saliva. Seishirou cocked his head.
"Something wrong?"
"It's unbelievable—" Subaru took a deep breath to collect his words and organize them. The monster lurched sickeningly."—you can't even begin to fathom the hell you've put me through, the nights and days and weeks and nights of agony, from the moment you told me you'd been the one who had killed that girl in the tree—when you took Nee-san—you bastard, you completely wrecked my life, and you don't even know what that means—" The words were coming out in a whispered rush now, things Subaru had said before, in various forms, in varying degrees of hysteria and rage, things that always ended up being regarded with the same amused scorn. "—you don't know—that you've completely and utterly changed me beyond recognition; I don't even remember what it's like to be in my old skin anymore, not since you broke my heart. I don't remember happiness, or content, or belief in good things in life. Everything is consumed by you." Subaru choked back a whispered sob, still standing up straight and trying to stare through Seishirou's sunglasses. "Everything… in this entire life that could hold even some small degree of desire for me is consumed by you. And yet, you haven't changed at all. You haven't changed at all—you haven't changed at all—I haven't been a force to change you at all, and you've wrecked my identity, rearranged it, made it something completely new—"
"Shhhh."
"Take off your glasses."
Seishirou stared for a moment before removing his sunglasses, folding them and putting them in his coat pocket. Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath, staring straight into Seishirou's mismatched eyes, one living and aware, the other a dead, resin orb. If Subaru did not know Seishirou better, he would say that Seishirou was concerned; but, he knew the closest Seishirou could come to that emotion was pity, and the idea made the monster in Subaru's stomach tear sickeningly at its cage.
"Subaru-kun, didn't your grandmother teach you to ask nicely for things?"
"Would you, for once in your life, listen to me? I'm trying to say something!"
"Nothing that is news to me, Subaru-kun."
"How can you just sit there like that and say things like that to a—a guy you—you—"
Subaru's speech was disintegrating into whispered, barely-controlled sobs. He clenched his fists defensively as Seishirou stood and walked over to him, slowly, seeming to savor Subaru's internal conflict as he drew closer.
"You—you—" Subaru took a deep breath and turned his back on Seishirou in a panic, straightening his spine. His train of thought had long since derailed and crashed. "—a guy that you—"
"Shhhh."
Seishirou wrapped his arms around Subaru and pulled him back into his chest, resting his lips on the crown of Subaru's head. Subaru closed his eyes and shuddered, all coherent thought halted. They must have made an ethereal picture at that moment, Subaru thought: framed by the darkening clouds and distant lightning to one flank, and a break in the clouds brilliantly splashed with sunset pinks and oranges to the other. The cool wind stirred Subaru's bangs and brushed his face. Seishirou was warm and enveloping against his back, his silk-lined coat lapping around Subaru's sides with the white edges of Subaru's own, lighter coat. He smelled like cigarettes and cologne, oddly, not so much like blood and sakura as one would think.
"Hey, Su-ba-ru!" Hokuto leaned back in her seat at the kitchen counter, looking up from a ladies' journal. Her huge, butterfly-banded top hat fell over her eyes; she pushed it back up. "Did you know that anger and the sex drive are pretty much the same primal emotion?"
"…WHAT?"
"You heard me! You just need to get Sei-chan good and mad at you! Too bad he's so mellow…"
"Nee-san, what are you reading…"
—that's been the story of my life for the past nine years, Nee-san—
"You don't eat enough, Subaru-kun." Subaru shuddered; Seishirou was stroking his flank with the thumb of one hand and tracing the back of Subaru's hand with the other's fingertips. "You're so thin."
"…I wonder why that is."
Seishirou laughed silently and pulled Subaru more possessively into his tall frame. "I wonder."
Subaru closed his eyes and took a shuddering gasp. The conflict was becoming unbearable; his entire world was holding him at the moment, a sensation so rare and all-consuming that he coveted it, nourished on one instance for months; he replayed it in his mind with his comforter pulled around his body, curled on his side, pretending the heavy blanket was Seishirou's enveloping weight holding him, pulling him against his chest as Seishirou was now. Sometimes Subaru pressed the comforter to his mouth and kissed it: long kisses, then several fevered pecks, nuzzling it and kissing it softly, lovingly, pretending the heavy fabric was various planes of Seishirou's anatomy. But this was the real instance. Subaru always wanted to run away, to wander around to draw out the length of the experience, pacing to collect his thoughts and his sanity, and come back, like an artist breaking away from his work during a heightened frenzy to pace around the studio, gesturing out his idea. His heart was pounding as it never could do with mere imagination; he knew he was not nearly as steady as he thought he was.
He knew it would end the way it always did: he standing alone, his back and cheeks equally exposed to the cool wind, the possessive warmth, heartbeat, familiar cologne, and fingertips on the backs of his hands gone. And then, Subaru became aware of the rest of the world again; the city moved around him, millions of citizens buried in their own lives, separated from him by the cool wind. Sometimes Seishirou stayed for hours, and sometimes for minutes; sometimes they kissed, sometimes they fooled around against walls half-antagonistically, Seishirou pinning Subaru with his large frame and torturing him with rough treatment, but they had never gotten all the way to a bedroom...
"Do you honestly think if you'll kiss me, I'll never again commit an act of violence?" said Seishirou. Subaru stood up straight in shock. "Is that idea somewhere in your criminology textbook?"
"…how did you get into the Opera House undetected?" Subaru whispered. Seishirou nuzzled the side of his neck with his lips; Subaru's stomach dropped out. The white-hot monster lurched eagerly.
"Poor Subaru-kun. Poor, innocent Subaru-kun." Seishirou sucked the crook of Subaru's neck. Subaru shuddered. "Of course you won't change me. You don't mean enough to me to change the geometry of my identity at all, no matter how much love you show me." He raised his head, dragging the tip of his nose along Subaru's neck, and whispered in Subaru's ear. "I'd step on your corpse and move on. Do you know why, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru closed his eyes, squeezing tears down his cheeks.
"Because, in the end, you've meant nothing to me after all," said Seishirou. "And you mean nothing to my identity. There is nothing in me that is anything in you."
Subaru sobbed and bit his fist, shaking his head weakly. The monster was burrowing a hole through his stomach. Seishirou made soothing noises and rubbed Subaru's shoulders. Subaru could feel Seishirou's smile; he was torn between wanting to rip Seishirou's face off and wanting to turn and fall to his knees to beg for—something, any sort of mercy, for Seishirou to say he was lying—holding himself up with Seishirou's coat. My GOD, don't you see what you're DOING to me? This is emotional agony, Seishirou-san, emotional hell—but you know you don't know what emotional means you must know deep down but how could you—
"…then…" Subaru said haltingly. "…prove it."
"Hmm?"
"Somebody once told me that when you kiss somebody with your heart behind it, a piece of each person is exchanged forever." Subaru fought to keep his voice leaden and steady. "You can never get that piece of your soul back, and you can never rid your own soul of the other person's essence. Even if you don't notice it, it's always there, that piece of them… that piece of you in them."
"Is that so…? And I assume the further you go with somebody, the more you… what was it, exchange soul pieces?"
Subaru narrowed his eyes. He knew what tone was coming. "Yes."
"Really." Seishirou thought for a moment, stroking Subaru's sides. "…it sounds like complete metaphysical bullshit to me, idealized, innocent, immature nonsense you took from a fourteen-year-old girl and desperately want to believe. Let there be no illusions between us, Subaru-kun."
"And you know so much about existing without illusions."
"I'm the dealer, not the addict, Subaru-kun."
"You're a liar."
"Not at the moment."
"You're so wrapped up in your own illusions that you've lost all perspective and touch with reality." Seishirou snorted in amusement; Subaru growled quietly. "You think this is cool and tough, Seishirou-san? I think you're a coward. A childish, immature coward with... without the courage to face the hell emotions can put us through like everybody else in the world. Because that would make you vulnerable. That would make you common—what is so funny?"
Seishirou stopped laughing and kissed the top of Subaru's head. "You're cute, Subaru-kun. You know that, right?"
"What is so funny?"
"You, Subaru-kun. You and the immature, half-baked theories you keep throwing at me because you're so desperate to believe them. Because you're too weak to face reality unless you've got a shield of false hope around your angst. Let me tell you something, Subaru-kun." Seishirou held Subaru more tightly, whispering. "I made a bet with you out of curiosity, because I wanted to feel, was curious to find that sensation. I was ready to embrace it with open arms and courage, ready to be another of the billions of feeling people in this world. I would accept all of that about myself in an instant if it were true."
"But—maybe something made you—"
"An emotionless sociopath? Made or not, Subaru-kun, that is what I am now. And you can't turn that back. You can run around in circles looking for what made people the way they are, looking for a 'true' version of themselves you desperately want to bring out, as if you can shed people of the events in their lives that make them who they are. But we are just as much nurture as nature, Subaru-kun, and the events that shape the course of our lives are just as much a part of our core identity as the nature with which we are born."
Subaru was silent for a moment. "…I think, Seishirou-san, the source is worth something… even if it's not much. It's always there as much as anything else."
"You're cute, Subaru-kun. Cute."
Subaru seethed quietly and leaned back into Seishirou, closing his eyes and organizing words for what he desperately wanted to get across. Seishirou was ghosting his fingertips across Subaru's hands. Seishirou was particularly infuriating when he was convinced that he was right; there was zero point in trying to convince him further.
Verbally.
—NO. You're out of your mind, Subaru. Stop it. It's just an excuse for you to—it might work. Just because it's an excuse doesn't mean other good may come out of it. It's really the only reason I'd—liar, Subaru, you know it's hopeless, an exercise—
"What are you thinking, Subaru-kun?"
"I'm thinking of going back to your apartment with you."
Subaru said the words before he realized who had said them. He cursed and seized up as Seishirou froze for a moment, catching himself, and laughed quietly.
It was a split-second, illusive waver, like a flicker beneath water, but Seishirou seemed almost nervous.
"That's incredibly forward of you, Subaru-kun. What are you implying we do at my apartment?"
"Don't play dumb, Seishirou-san. What else would… we do?"
"I honestly don't know. Talk like old friends? Eat? Smoke?"
Subaru sighed. I absolutely cannot believe I am doing this. This is going to be a disaster.
No turning back. He already knows what you want. Best way to redeem yourself is to be forward.
"We would sleep together."
"Huh. That's it?" Seishirou released Subaru and turned him lightly, pushing him back to get a better look at him in mock surprise. "Well, if you needed a place to crash, you could have said something earlier. My couch is always open—"
"You know goddamned well what I mean, Seishirou-san."
"I'm afraid I don't."
"I want to sleep with you. In the sense where there's no sleeping going on."
"Oh, like a slumber party? I could rent movies—"
"SEISHIROU—"
"Look, Subaru-kun." Seishirou tapped Subaru's nose. Subaru fought the urge to snap his finger off. The monster was scrabbling and boiling. "We're both adult men now. If you want to have sex with me, you could come right out and say that. If you're not comfortable enough even saying the word, or asking me directly, you're certainly not ready to actually perform the act. Tell me, are you a virgin, Subaru-kun?"
"You know I'm a—it's just a vulgar word and I don't like the sound of it."
"Sex is vulgar. It's incredibly vulgar. It's awkward and messy and vulgar and disgusting." Subaru winced. "If you're not comfortable with that concept, you might as well drop this idea right now, Subaru-kun."
"…how can you treat this so lightly?"
"Because unlike you, I'm not investing in exchanging souls with somebody or some other such nonsense. It's just a physical act."
"…you bastard."
The monster wanted blood. Subaru took a deep breath and stared Seishirou down, clenching his fists and fighting to keep his calm. –did you know that anger—
"…all right," Subaru said quietly. "I'll make a bet with you."
"Hmm." Seishirou smiled. "Sounds interesting. What is it?"
"You—we'll—sleep together—"
"That doesn't sound promising—"
"—have sex, fuck, screw around, whatever—" Subaru swallowed, drawing blood in the palms of his hands with his nails. "—and you'll go into it with a completely open heart and mind. And I'll do my best to change you. If you really do have nothing to fear, you have nothing to block from me, Seishirou-san."
Seishirou stared at Subaru, thinking. Subaru's fists were shaking with the effort of keeping them at his sides. He stared back at Seishirou, trying to read what the other man was thinking. The wheels were definitely turning upstairs, but to what end, and by what process, Subaru had no idea.
Subaru had yet to figure out what made Seishirou tick at all.
And I'm sleeping with this guy? This is suicide—do you think you'll figure him out by this, Subaru? This is madness—
"…and if I win?" said Seishirou.
"What?"
"A bet has to have conditions, Subaru-kun. What will you do if I win?"
"…I don't know." Subaru took a deep breath. "What would you want?"
"Hmm." Seishirou thought for a moment. "…this really is an unfair bet, Subaru-kun. You're re-fighting a battle you already lost. Miserably."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I won't take a condition. But… let's say that if you win—and I'll be honest—I will uphold my original promise to you if you win any bets between us. How does that sound?"
—but we can never go back to the way it would have been if I had won nine years ago, Seishirou-san. Never—
"…deal."
Seishirou nodded, thought for a moment, and reached for one of Subaru's fists. Subaru drew away defensively and glared; Seishirou smiled.
"You're going to have to trust me to get a lot closer to you than that if you want to do this."
Subaru watched him for a moment and reluctantly gave Seishirou his fist. Seishirou uncurled Subaru's bloody fingers and ran the tip of his own finger across the scours from Subaru's fingernails. Subaru hissed.
"There's a lot of bacteria under your nails, Subaru-kun. You really shouldn't do this. You'll get an infection."
Subaru was silent. Seishirou stroked at the bloody hand for a moment, seemingly transfixed by the vibrant red drying on Subaru's palm, and a slight grin marred his smile, revealing his canine teeth. Like Subaru, he had startlingly white teeth for a chain-smoker.
Seishirou started licking the wound.
Subaru jerked back in shock, jarring against his sore shoulder. Seishirou was lapping heavily with the full length of his tongue in long strokes, drawing saliva onto his tongue to liquefy the blood. Subaru half-expected his tongue to feel hot, but it was only lukewarm: wet, powerful, and textured. He shuddered and rested his hand on the back of Seishirou's head, gripping his thick hair, half-wondering why the hell Seishirou was doing this.
…he's doing this just to freak me out. Bastard.
"So…" Subaru caught his breath. "…you've gotten into vampirism now?"
Seishirou chuckled and drew Subaru's loose hand further toward his mouth, and started licking and sucking lightly on Subaru's fingertips. Subaru gasped sharply and locked his knees to stay upright, the blood rushing out of his limbs. For a moment, he almost blacked out. Seishirou felt the tug against the fingers and gripped Subaru's wrist more tightly, pulling him upright and drawing Subaru closer with a strong hand on the small of his back. Subaru was fighting to control his breathing; Seishirou seemed to find this amusing, and slid Subaru's forefinger further into his mouth, grating through his teeth, up to the first joint.
Subaru stood up straight, glaring. He was pulled close enough to Seishirou that the front of his sweater brushed Seishirou's suit jacket, and Seishirou was maintaining an iron hand on his back, not allowing Subaru to back away, pulling him closer to his heat. Every time Subaru wavered a millimeter closer, Seishirou's hand followed, and that new distance became the new allowed minimum. If Subaru stared straight ahead, he saw Seishirou's necktie; if he looked up, he saw the underside of Seishirou's jaw and the heel of his own palm, finger between Seishirou's teeth.
"Seishirou-san…"
Seishirou released Subaru's finger and caught Subaru's hand with his own, kissing the back, interlacing their fingers, and dropping their hands to their sides, pressing his skin into Subaru's open wound. He drew Subaru even closer and stared at him.
Subaru swallowed and steeled himself.
"What?"
"You're so tense, Subaru-kun." Seishirou stroked the small of Subaru's back with his restraining hand. Subaru shuddered involuntarily. Seishirou seemed half-perplexed, half-amused about something. "…you've got to loosen up if you want to have any fun."
"Fun?"
"First…" Seishirou brought their interlocked hands up, allowing Subaru's coat sleeve to fall and reveal the wounds from the confessional. "You need to get mopped up. I don't want you bleeding all over the place."
This is the worst idea I have ever had in my life. Subaru, what are you doing?
Subaru winced as Seishirou pulled a stitch tighter and pushed the needle through Subaru's cleaned skin. They were kneeling in Seishirou's living room with opened gauze packages, surgical thread, and a used syringe spread across the coffee table around Subaru's forearm. Seishirou was wearing his eyeglasses, and had removed his overcoat and suit jacket and had rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. Subaru had hung his bloody, white trenchcoat in the hall closet, which was vacant save for Seishirou's trenchcoat. Before arriving at the apartment, Seishirou had stopped by his office and retrieved a local anesthetic, packages of gauze and dressing, antibiotic ointments, and material for stitches, claiming that it was fine to use on humans.
"…you've never dressed my wounds since..."
"I'm opening my heart to you, Subaru-kun."
"Seishirou-san, come on…"
Subaru held still while Seishirou tied off the final line of stitches, washed his newly-closed wounds with a strong disinfectant, and wrapped his forearm in gauze and ace bandage. Seishirou stood and gathered up the discarded packaging, walking to the kitchen trash can.
"The anesthetic will wear off soon. Don't panic if you can't feel things for an hour or so."
Subaru stood up slowly and waved his arm experimentally. Seishirou had done a good job with the bandage; it was sturdy and would withstand a great deal of motion. And not for one moment had Subaru forgotten just why he was in Seishirou's apartment.
…I've made a huge mistake…
"…thank you."
"You're welcome."
Seishirou washed his hands and returned to the living room, removing and folding his glasses and setting them on the table, and sitting down on the black leather couch. The apartment, though a new location, had the same furniture and furnishings it had during The Year, but now felt sleek-and-modern as opposed to warm-and-modern. It was much larger than Seishirou's old apartment, almost a penthouse and worth more per month than an average family's annual income. Now that Seishirou was not pretending to be a humble veterinarian, he was at leisure to dip into his family's coffers.
"Do you want a cigarette?" said Seishirou.
Subaru stared down at him, arm still outstretched. "…I'm fine."
"You sure?" Seishirou nodded toward the opened Mild Sevens box beside a crystal ashtray. "This is your last chance for a while."
Subaru snapped his arm down in disbelief. "…how can you be so casual about this?" he whispered. "We've never done this before."
Seishirou shrugged. "Am I not being seductive enough for you? You're welcome to leave if you don't think you'll be able to get it up."
Subaru gaped. Seishirou started laughing.
"Oh, please tell me you at least know how this is going to work."
"Of course I know how this is going to work," Subaru snapped.
"Well, then." Seishirou settled back into the couch and spread his arms across its back. "Do you want to begin?"
"…I cannot believe you."
"We have to start somewhere, Subaru-kun. Let's just start where we left off in front of the church, before we spoiled the mood with more mundane concerns."
"Um."
Subaru watched Seishirou for a moment, gauging the other man's position and intentions, decided that they were relatively straightforward, and leaned down nose-to-nose, bracing himself on the back of the couch over Seishirou's shoulders. He licked his lips and took a stabilizing breath, shaking, subconsciously tipping his head, barely grazing Seishirou's lips with his own in the process and feeling the heat off of Seishirou's face. Though Seishirou was still, Subaru felt a jolt pass through them at the touch. They were breathing into each other's mouths in short, shallow bursts, both fighting to keep control. Subaru licked his lips nervously and steeled himself.
No turning back now, Subaru. This is the point of no return. Go for it.
"No inhibitions," Subaru whispered on Seishirou's lips. "That's part of our deal."
Seishirou exhaled through his nose in amusement, blowing on Subaru's cheek. "…and if you win, this is your last time to talk to Sakurazuka Seishirou as you know him, right?"
"You talk too damn much."
Subaru kissed Seishirou softly, parting his lips to see how the dark onmyouji would react. Seishirou opened his mouth further and pulled Subaru onto his lap with his hand on Subaru's narrow lower back, stabilizing Subaru and deepening the kiss. Subaru wrapped his bare arms around Seishirou's neck and pulled himself against Seishirou's chest, straddling Seishirou's waist and gasping into Seishirou's mouth as his crotch ground against Seishirou's, awkwardly given that Subaru could not maneuver his legs on the couch so that the two men would be flush with one another. They were both starting to get erections; the friction sent spasms up Subaru's spine. Subaru closed his eyes and ground harder against Seishirou's crotch, making undulating, circular motions, sucking air through his teeth as Seishirou hissed softly and scooted further to the edge of the couch, pressing Subaru more completely against him.
Seishirou chuckled softly. "What did you expect to happen, Subaru-kun?"
"I thought I told you to shut up."
Subaru stood, still straddling Seishirou's thighs, and tilted Seishirou's head up, running his hands through the older man's hair. As Seishirou stood Subaru traced the sides of his head with his fingertips and caught his arms around Seishirou's neck, craning his neck and pulling Seishirou down into a deep, devouring kiss. Seishirou moved one of the hands on Subaru's lower back up the bony curve of Subaru's spine, stroking with his thumb, as he pulled Subaru against his body, grinding enough to make Subaru groan into his mouth and go momentarily blind.
"Good?" Seishirou gasped around their kiss, then hissed as Subaru seized him by the hair.
"Are you just in love with your own voice, or are you doing this to drive me insane?" They were both breathing heavily, chests rising and falling against one another's. Seishirou gave Subaru an open-mouthed smile.
"…sorry. I won't say another word."
"Good."
Subaru pulled Seishirou back down into another hungry kiss and released him slightly, kneading the taller man's scalp and savoring the smooth, clean texture of his hair and the devouring movements of his jaw against his mouth and tongue against his own. Seishirou kneaded Subaru's lower back and pulled Subaru hard into his body, forcing Subaru's legs to part slightly around his and supporting Subaru as Subaru moaned—again, gods, man, what were you expecting?—and moved against Seishirou unconsciously, pulling the taller man down so forcefully that he almost fell flat on his back. Seishirou caught him and followed his momentum down, still devouring and lapping Subaru's mouth, then suddenly shifted Subaru onto his upper arm and swung Subaru's legs out from under him, lifting the white onmyouji in his arms with a grunt.
Subaru thought he was going to have a heart attack. Seishirou adjusted Subaru's weight and started laughing.
For a moment, Subaru desperately wished he had a hat to pull over his face.
"You've gotten bigger, but this still feels about right, doesn't it, Subaru-kun?"
Subaru rested his head in the crook of Seishirou's shoulder and closed his eyes, quietly catching his breath and fighting the urge to curl up and nuzzle against the taller man. Seishirou carried Subaru down the cool corridor into the bedroom, which was ill-lit with the last purple light of sunset filtered through the storm-clouds. He dropped the younger man onto the bed and fell on top of him; Subaru caught his shoulders suddenly and used his own momentum to flip their positions, pinning Seishirou's shoulders to the soft bed and glaring down at him, centimeters from his face, trapping Seishirou's thighs between his knees. Subaru licked his lips and took a deep breath.
"Things have changed, Seishirou-san." He licked his lips again. Seishirou was arching his eyebrows. I'm hungry. I'm so hungry, Seishirou-san. "I've changed."
"…I can see that." Seishirou trailed his hand up Subaru's spine from his rear and applied pressure to the small of Subaru's back, pushing the ends of their erections together through their pants and thrusting up slightly, just enough to nuzzle Subaru's with his own. Subaru took a sharp breath as Seishirou repeated his cycling, grinding motion, the latter smiling slightly at Subaru's reaction and taking quiet, open-mouthed breaths. He trailed his fingertips lightly over Subaru's lower abdomen, teasing around the hem of his sweater and making Subaru close his eyes and clutch harder as molten fire surged through his core, fueling the erection that was already being ground. Subaru opened his eyes dizzily and forced himself to focus on Seishirou's eyes, trying to gauge the man's thoughts as he stared back, breathing quietly and heavily. Intermittently either man would close his eyes for a moment or take a deep breath, both trying to make the undulation in their concentration as slight as possible.
Seishirou licked his lips slightly and traced his fingertips across Subaru's abdomen to his lower back. Subaru's spine tensed; a familiar, crooked smile was tracing the corners of Seishirou's mouth—
"…didn't you say 'no inhibitions'?"
He pulled Subaru down hard, grinding up as hard as he could at the same time and gasping, closing his eyes for a split second as Subaru barked in shock, the latter digging into Seishirou's shoulders with his nails and screwing his eyes shut in pleasure. Subaru released Seishirou's shoulders and rested his forearms on the soft bed, weaving his good arm under Seishirou's shoulder and pulling the latter closer to him, grinding his own hips and panting, kissing Seishirou softly, repeatedly. Their erections were being squeezed between their groins, awkwardly rolling around at the movement; the underside and tip of Subaru's cock were being rubbed against the fabric of his boxers. He carefully moved his injured hand down between Seishirou's back and the bed and slid it into the hem of Seishirou's pants, playing with the hem of Seishirou's boxers and lightly fingering the small of his back. Seishirou arced into Subaru's groin and purred slightly, catching one of Subaru's soft kisses and nipping at Subaru's lip, encouraging Subaru to kiss him deeply. Subaru unwound his arms from under Seishirou's body and cradled Seishirou's head, running his fingers deeply through the other man's hair and stroking beside his temple with his thumb. Seishirou ran his hands to rest along Subaru's back, one upper, one lower, and rubbed the younger man's shoulders, kissing Subaru softly between deep, hungry kisses.
I wish I could die before I wake up from this. Seishirou-san, do you know how happy you would make me if you killed me right now? This is the happiest day of my life.
And the Sandman was under Subaru's skin, noting every sensation and word, every sound and detail, every emotion and rush. Tears leaked out of Subaru's eyes onto Seishirou's cheeks.
And Seishirou gently brushed them away with his thumb.
I love you, Seishirou-san.
You can never go home.
"I can't imagine a guy that doesn't like ghost stories, Subaru."
Thunder shook the apartment complex. It was pitch-dark and turbulent, heavy curtains drawn over the windows. There was no power.
"I work with ghosts all day, Nee-san. There isn't much you can tell me that will spook me."
"Come on!" Hokuto held a flashlight under her chin and made a hideous, grinning face, wagging her tongue menacingly. "The devil's going to eat you, Su-ba-ru…"
"All right, Nee-san…"
The door closed. Subaru heard Seishirou toe off his shoes and walk down the hallway. Subaru curled up slightly in his corner of the couch. Sitting in the living room with his sister while Seishirou was out checking the fuse box was cozy and…cohesive, safe… in a way he could scarcely articulate to himself, let alone anybody else. He had been trying to think of a way to talk to Hokuto about the feeling, but Seishirou had returned too soon.
"The fuse box isn't doing us any good." Seishirou padded into the room and sat down between the twins. "It's really coming down out there."
"Sei-chan, do you have any good ghost stories?"
"Do I? Is that what you guys are doing?"
"Don't tell me you're a killjoy like Subaru."
"Of course I'm not!" Seishirou snatched Hokuto's flashlight and flashed it under his own chin, cackling. Hokuto whacked him with a pillow.
"You're not scary at all, Sei-chan! There's nothing intense or scary about you no matter how hard you try!"
"You're breaking my heart, Hokuto-chan."
"Well, what's your story?"
Seishirou took a deep, dramatic breath and closed his eyes, mock-serious. Thunder exploded and shook the apartment again. Subaru looked at him over his shoulder, fighting to keep from smiling.
He was afraid when Seishirou made him feel like smiling. Afraid because he was giddy.
"In another dimension, just on the other side of this one… maybe through your mirror or in your closet, there's a door to this dimension…" Seishirou took a deep breath and whispered, barely audible over the downpour outside. "…is a sakura tree that drinks the blood of the corpses beneath its roots."
"Oh, come on, Sei-chan—"
"I'm not done yet." Seishirou took another deep, dramatic breath, and paused for effect. Subaru, still curled up on his end of the couch, stared at the wall.
Where have I heard this—
"…countless people have been buried beneath the tree as its victims, its food… and their blood colors the blossoms pink." Seishirou leaned over to Subaru and whispered in his ear. "Do you know why sakura blossoms are pink, Subaru-kun?"
"Because they drink the blood of the corpses below," Subaru said vaguely, still staring at the wall. His cheeks were getting hot. A young man with dark hair and a cold, wild smile, staring at him, asking him 'Do you know—'
"Nobody can be free after having been captive of the sakura," said Seishirou, straightening. Subaru took a deep, stabilizing breath. "The souls it catches remain trapped in its branches for eternity—"
"…do not let the sakura seduce you, Subaru-san. Never. Never allow them to confuse your mind and heart."
"—You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
Subaru caught his breath, vaguely listening to the thunder as Hokuto argued that those lines were from an American rock song, and that Seishirou was not being scary at all, as was par for the course for him. This was the second time Seishirou had mentioned sakura trees in conjunction with blood or corpses; this was one of the few times Seishirou-san had gone ice cold and alien…
"…do not let the sakura seduce you, Subaru-san. Never. Never allow them to confuse your mind and heart."
Obaa-chan, is this what you were talking about? It can't be. Seishirou-san's not… anything to be afraid of, is he? He's just Seishirou-san. That's all.
"Fine, do you want me to make it scary, Hokuto-chan?"
"YES, I want you to make it scary."
"Scary enough to scare Subaru-kun?"
"Yes, scary enough to scare Subaru! He needs to be shaken out of his shell. You remember; we talked about this."
"Talked about what?" Subaru blurted.
Seishirou looked at Subaru out of the corners of his eyes for a long time, during which Subaru edged into the corner of the couch and watched him warily. Seishirou looked dead serious, almost scornful. Subaru swallowed.
"What, Seishirou-san?"
Seishirou stared.
"Seishirou-san, what—"
Seishirou attacked Subaru and tickled his flanks and stomach, almost hard enough to bruise. Subaru yelled in shock and tried to jump away, pulling both of them off the couch onto the floor. Hokuto screamed in delight and pulled her legs up onto the couch as Subaru frantically tried to worm away from Seishirou, begging and laughing hysterically, eyes watering, but Seishirou grasped his shoulders and pulled him back underneath, flipping Subaru onto his back and tickling even harder, grinning. Subaru thrashed and pounded Seishirou's shoulders, screaming at Seishirou to stop, that he was ticklish, that this wasn't fair, please, please stop, but Seishirou laughed and pushed his attack further under Subaru's shirt, onto Subaru's chest and upper back, deliberately rubbing Subaru's nipples alternately with his flanks and sides. Subaru screamed and arced into Seishirou's hands, writhing, his back wracking with spasms. It was maddening; Subaru was sure that he was going to go insane if Seishirou did not stop, but by the same token he desperately wanted to drown, even if he went mad and blind. The alternating sensation was so shockingly intense, conducted by his already agitated nerves to a frightening level. Subaru was sure he was going to explode or black out.
"You're captive, Subaru-kun. You're mine."
"Go, Sei-chan! Go! Wooo!"
"—Seishirou-san, please!—"
Seishirou stopped and pinned Subaru's shoulders to the floor, leaning nose-to-nose with Subaru and staring as Subaru panted and collected his shot nerves. As Subaru's vision re-defined itself and his back unwound he realized how close Seishirou was; he stared back and tried to worm away weakly, unsuccessfully. He felt that Hokuto was holding her breath.
His heart started pounding. Seishirou's smile was gone.
"Have you ever kissed anybody before, Subaru-kun?"
"N-n-no—"
"Good. Because I'm determined to be your first and only one."
Subaru was not sure whether or not he heard Hokuto squeak. He took a deep, stabilizing breath and stared, afraid to lick his lips lest it break the fragile silence. His heart was pounding in his ears. Seishirou tilted his head slightly to fit his lips against Subaru's, barely brushing them with his own. Subaru closed his eyes and parted his lips slightly, heart hammering, and breathed in Seishirou's breath—
Seishirou jerked away and started tickling him again, laughing madly. Subaru howled in shock and grabbed at Seishirou's hands, curling into a ball and trying to trap the fingers under his body, vaguely hearing Hokuto scream that Seishirou was a pussy. Subaru did not know if his eyes were tearing up from the sheer physical sensation, or from a crushing feeling of anticlimax, some sort of forlorn longing, something that was denied to him.
Something he wanted, but he did not yet understand what exactly it was.
"I'll win you over yet, Subaru-kun. For the sake of our love! You belong to me!"
"Sei-chan, you IDIOT!"