"Will you wake me up at 3 pm – then I don't have to set the alarm."
"Yes ma'am."
That's the way she's addressing me the whole morning. We did a little sightseeing, but something has changed. I think she's mad at me. I hate this distance between us, but she has to understand that I had to be strict.
"Thank you. Think about what you want to do this afternoon."
She nods. I'm leaving for my room. I really need my nap, always waking up in the night made me tired. I'm not 40 anymore.
4 pm. What? Why didn't she wake me up? I'm going to our living-room to find her on the couch reading a book.
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
"You looked so tired, I thought some sleep would do you good."
"But now we have one hour less of our afternoon program, you really should have woken me up."
"That's not important. We don't have to do anything big today."
"Is everything alright Rory?"
"Yes ma'am."
I sigh. Then I'm turning for my room to get dressed. I don't know what's going on, or how to solve it. She's polite to me – over-polite – but I can't complain about that, can I ? Is she really angry at me, because she's not allowed to go outside? Can't she understand that I wouldn't have one quiet minute knowing she's out there alone, always wondering what could happen to her?
Two days have passed since our fight. Things haven't changed. She rarely calls me grandma anymore – mostly ma'am. I wish she would change that. We're returning from dinner. I'm sitting down to write a few letters to my friends back home. She's reading a book. After I've finished my letters I'm about to go to bed.
"I think I'll go to bed now. Goodnight Rory."
"Grandma?"
I look at her a little surprised. I can't hide my smile. Something in her voice makes me wonder, she sounds so insecure.
"I'm going to ask you something. You don't have to answer me tonight. Please listen and think about it."
"I will."
"I want to ask you to please let me go outside on my own again. I know I've scared you and I'm sorry I did, but that won't happen again. I promise. We only have three days left in Sweden and you don't want to punish me forever, right? I mean, I will accept every decision you're going to make, I just wanted to ask you to please give me your permission again. Please. – Just tell me tomorrow."
"I will."
"Thank you. Goodnight Grandma. Sleep well."
"Goodnight Rory."
I'm returning to my room and begin to slowly undress myself. I knew this would happen someday. And she's right I can't lock her in here forever. But I know that I wouldn't have one quiet minute until she'll be back.
She was very polite while asking me. She said she would accept everything I would decide. So if I would say no, there would be no discussion. At least I think that she was serious while saying this.
Deep in my heart I know that I have to say yes. She isn't a kid anymore and I have to learn to let go. But I have to make one point very clear when I'll give her my permission again. This wasn't about punishing (well at least not only about punishing), this was about me feeling safe. About me being awfully scared that something bad could happen to her. About me not trusting her enough to let her go again immediately. I know I have to give her the opportunity to win back my trust.
And she'll stop to call me ma'am. She'd have no reason for it anymore. Everything would be the way it was before we came here. I wish this whole incident would never have happened.
I've made my decision, I will give her my permission again. Shall I tell her now? Or wait until tomorrow, just to make sure I haven't changed my mind overnight? She told me to wait until tomorrow so she's not expecting me to come. It would be interesting to see, if she would ask me again or if she would wait patiently for my answer. But then wouldn't it be punishing her, not to tell her – to let her wait? I'm thinking this over and over. Finally I decide that when I'll still see light in her room I'll go to her to inform her of my decision.
There is still light in her room. I'm knocking at her door.
"Come in."
"Do you have some time Rory? I want to talk to you."
"Yes ma'am."
I'm so glad this will be over soon. I'm sitting down on her bed.
"Rory you have to understand that I haven't done this to punish you. Well at least that's not the only reason. I know that from the moment you'll be out there on your own until you'll come back I won't have one quiet minute. It won't be time to rest for me. I will sit there, watching the clock waiting for you to come home. I needed some rest."
She's just looking at me so I continue.
"But you're right, you're not a kid anymore and I have to learn to deal with it. My trust in you is broken –perhaps not entirely, just a little - but I know I must give you the opportunity to repair the damage. And since you've asked me politely I came to the decision to give you my permission. Tomorrow and the days after you're allowed to go outside on your own again."
"Thank you Grandma." she says looking relieved.
"You're welcome."
"I will repair it. My battery is full – look."
She's showing me her mobile phone. I can't help to smile a little.
"You can call me whenever you want."
"Perhaps I'll do that. Rory if something is happening that prevents you from coming back in time, just call me. It's not that bad to be late, just tell me that everything is alright with you."
"I'll do that. I promise."
"Well it's late, we should get some sleep."
Especially because I won't sleep tomorrow after lunch. I just know it. I'm standing up, ready to leave the room.
"Grandma?"
I'm turning around to face her again.
"Thanks again. And thanks for telling me tonight."
"I saw no good reason to wait. I want you to have a good nights sleep. So why letting you wait, when I've already decided it."
"Thanks anyway. Goodnight Grandma."
"Goodnight Sweetie."
I'm going back to my bed. Suddenly I recognize, that I haven't called her Sweetie for the last days either. I'm so glad that we've overcome the distance.
"Are you ready? Then let's go down to get some breakfast."
"Yes, ma'am."
Huh? I thought we'd overcome this phase. Isn't she trusting me? Does she think that around noon I'll announce that everything was a joke and I'll say she has to stay here? Or am I paranoid? I mean she did address me that way before, too – every once in a while. I'll wait how it all plays out during the day.
I'm lying in bed now – of course not sleeping. The morning was weird. She did address me as ma'am several times – but also as Grandma. I don't know what to think of it. I hope it's gone when she'll be back. I mean it's not only the word that's bugging me, it's the distance it creates. I still can feel some distance.
For a moment I'm thinking about calling her just to make sure she's alright, but I decide against it. I have to let go. But if she's not back at 3 pm I'll call her immediately.
2:45 pm. I hear her coming. I'm so relieved. Now I could sleep but I'm getting up. I want to enjoy our afternoon together.
Tomorrow we're leaving for Neuschwanstein. I can't wait to see Hope again. Rory and I haven't changed during the past 2 days. I was hoping everything would go back to normal but it isn't. I want to solve this, but I don't know how. I'm scared of talking to her. I always was scared of these conversations – with Lorelai (I don't know when we had our last decent in-depth conversation) with Richard (that's one of the reasons why we're at the point we are currently at) and now with Rory. Perhaps I should just try it. But I don't know how, I don't understand what's wrong with her. Why is she still mad? Why isn't she telling me about her problems?
I have everything packed. I'm going to her room to see if she needs some help.
"Have you finished packing?"
"Yes ma'am."
And there it is again.
"Good. So you don't need my help for anything?"
"No I'm fine – but thanks for asking Grandma."
"You will love Neuschwanstein. It's like a fairy-tale castle."
"I'm sure I will. Will Aunt Hope be there before us?"
"Probably yes. If everything's going as we've planned it. - I would like some hot chocolate right now. Do you want some, too?"
"Yes, ma'am."
I'm about to turn around to get the phone, but I don't. I can't take this anymore. We need to talk.
"Rory please – tell me what's going on."
"What?"
"Tell me why you're mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you. Why should I?"
"Because you're acting that way."
"Pardon me?"
"Oh please Rory no games. I'm tired of this. Just tell me. I can handle it. Everything is better than what I'm receiving now."
"I'm sorry Grandma – I don't know what you're talking about."
Honestly? Hasn't she noticed anything.
"Then please describe our relationship."
She's looking at me – totally confused. Right now I wish I hadn't started this. But I did, so I have to continue.
"I'm waiting Rory."
"But I don't know what you want to hear from me. You're my grandmother what else is there to say?"
So she really has no clue what I'm talking about.
"Yes I am your grandmother. And I always thought we had a good relationship. Granted we never were like your mother and you, but we enjoyed our time together. Don't you think that something has changed since our very first fight on this trip?"
"Well – "
"Come on Rory."
"No – honestly Grandma I don't know what you're talking about."
"The distance – don't you feel it? Am I imagining this?"
Am I imagining this?
"What distance?"
"You addressing me as ma'am nearly all the time? That's what I'm calling distance."
Tears are coming into her eyes. I hate myself for that. She must have some major problem to get all teary just because I said this.
"I only wanted to be respectful. In our fight you indirectly accused me of being disrespectful – which I was. Yelling at you can't be called respectful. I'm sorry for this. I wanted to make sure that you know that I'm respecting you. That's why I addressed you as ma'am. Because that's the respectful way isn't it? But it seems that I can't do anything right."
The tears are rolling down her cheeks right now. My heart goes out to her. So it was all a misunderstanding. I'm going to her and embrace her.
"I'm sorry Rory. Seems we're not communicating very well."
Must be a Gilmore disease.
"You don't have to cry. It was a misunderstanding. I thought you were still mad at me – hence the reason of your behaviour. It never occurred to me that you're doing this out of respect. Please stop crying Rory."
Slowly her sobs are fading. I'm giving her a handkerchief.
"Thank you. - You thought I would be mad at you? Why should I?"
"Because I'd forbidden you to go outside on your own."
"But you gave me permission again."
"That was confusing me, too. I didn't know why you would still be mad at me. I just want us to be the way we were in Paris, Barcelona and London."
"I wasn't mad at you Grandma. Well perhaps a little at first, but I understood why you did it. Please stop worrying about it."
"I will."
"I'll stop addressing you as ma'am if you want me to."
"You can call me that every once in a while, but I prefer Grandma."
"Okay – Grandma. Finally I know why you were looking at me so strange all the time."
"So you did notice something had changed."
"Yes, but I thought you would be watching me. That perhaps you would still be mad at me."
"I told you I wasn't. - I'm glad we've solved this."
"So am I. And we'll be like we were before."
She hugs me and gives me a kiss on the cheek – her way of convincing me that she's right.
"I love you Grandma."
"I love you too, Rory."
Since you don't seem to like the Emily-Rory chapters (reviews anyone? – you can tell me what you dislike) the next chapter won't be Rory centric. Hope will come back though - everyone loved her, right?