Authors Note: Thanks Lore2, cmbarrytx and emilygilmore for your reviews. I really appreciate them. Please keep them coming – there is no bad review, every review tells me that you're still reading this and I wasn't sure that you still are (except my fellow Trollops of course ) ). Hope you enjoy this one.

Chapter 13: Emily's Dream

"I wish I would be a princess."

"Me too."

"Then we could wear those fancy big dresses. Mine would be blue."

"Mine too."

I laughed. Hope and I were sitting outside on the grass talking about our dreams. I wasn't angry that Hope always wanted to have the same things I wished for myself. I've always loved my little sister.

"When I'm grown up I want to marry a handsome man, he has to be tall and rich – just like a prince."

"Oh yes, I want to marry a prince, too."

"Well too bad there are no princes in America." I sighed.

"Why are there no princes in America?"

"Because we have no monarchy. That's why we don't have those great castles either. I loved Neuschwanstein. I'm so glad Mom and Dad took us here."

"It was beautiful. Just like I imagined Cinderella's castle to be."

We were picking flowers both lost in our dreams.

"What are you thinking about Em?"

"About my future family. I want to have two little girls – just like us. That would be fun."

"Oh me too."

I smiled at my sister. I wouldn't know what to do without her.

"Emily! Hope! Where are you?"

My mother was coming up the hill.

"Oh no – you're sitting on the grass. Your dresses will be dirty. A lady never sits on the grass Emily, how often did I tell you that? You really should be a role model for Hope."

"I'm sorry ma'am."

"I'm sorry, too mother."

"We wanted to pick you some flowers." I continued.

Hope and I stretched our little hands out to give her our flowers.

"Thank you. They're beautiful." Her face softened.

"You're welcome mother. Are our dresses really dirty?" I asked a little unsure.

My mother took a closer look at us.

"Well – no I don't think so. You were lucky. We have to go back. Your father is waiting for us."

"Are you mad at us Mom?" I asked shyly.

I admired my mother. She was so beautiful – a real lady. Someday I wanted to be like her. I didn't want my mother to be mad at me (or worse Hopey).

"No I'm not. I just wish you would behave more like a lady. I know you're still a child, but it's never too early to learn."

I looked up at the castle which had brought back this memory to me. We are on our way down to the hotel – Rory can't stop talking about the beauty of the castle and the mysterious Ludwig II. I have to admit that I'm lost in my own thoughts, so Hope is mainly answering her.

Rory and I are back on track. Sometimes the atmosphere is still a little weird, but mainly it's just like this ugly incident in Stockholm had never happened. I'm so relieved.

I'm thinking about my memory again. I wanted to have a handsome man – which I got – but now…

I wanted to have two little girls – which I didn't get.

It still pains me to only think about the time before I'd gotten pregnant with Lorelai. Two miscarriages – I don't know what was harder: to lose my unborn babies or my 17 year-old daughter (including my baby-granddaughter).

I've waited so long for Lorelai. I was desperate to have a baby. I guess that's the reason why I've been overprotective of her. (Perhaps that's even the reason why I was so strict with Rory in Stockholm – losing the people I love most – my greatest fear.) I wanted to have another baby, but the birth of Lorelai wasn't easy (nothing was ever easy with her). The doctors told me to not get pregnant again. It would be too dangerous for me. At first both Richard and I agreed to this, but later I lost my fear and wanted to convince him otherwise.

"Please Richard, let's just try again – only one more time."

"No Emily. It's too dangerous. You heard what they told us."

"I always wanted to have two little girls – so that they can have the same relationship Hope and I have. Please. And don't you want to have a son to carry on the Gilmore name? Your mother certainly would love that."

"Emily stop it. I don't want to discuss this. And please don't bring up my mother. This is not about her, it's about you. I think we've agreed on this a long time ago. It's too dangerous. Please leave it alone."

I wanted to be angry with him but I couldn't. I saw the fear in his eyes. He was coming towards me, taking my hands in his.

"Please Emmy. If something would happen to you, I don't know how I could survive. I need you. I love you more than anything. Don't you understand?"

"Yes I do." I replied softly.

I know I would surrender soon. He rarely uses this term of endearment – never in public.

"We have Lorelai. Let's be grateful for that."

"I am grateful for her, it's just…"

I looked up at him and decided to stop.

"Whatever you want Richard."

"Thank you Emily."

He bend down to me to give me a gentle kiss.

"Emily? – Is everything alright with you?"

"Grandma? Grandma, is something wrong?"

Slowly I recognize that they're talking to me. Even some of the Japanese people who are going up the hill to visit the castle are staring at me.

"Yes everything is alright. I've just thought about something. Let's go."

Hope is watching me suspiciously.

Back in our suite we're enjoying the panorama of the Alps. Hope and I decide to go on a little evening walk. Rory has decided to stay home. She told me she just found out that her favourite TV-series is on air in Germany, too and that she wanted to learn some German by watching it. But perhaps that was only her excuse to give us some more time.

The countryside is beautiful. I enjoy being here with my sister. Tomorrow we'll be visiting Linderhof. Those castles are truly amazing. After that we'll spend some quiet days at a lake. Sight-seeing is great, but exhausting. A little rest will be good for all of us.

"What were you thinking up there, Emily?"

"Pardon me?"

"When you didn't even hear our voices – you had a strange look. What was it about?"

"Oh that – I just remembered the day we were sitting out on the grass talking about how we imagined our future lives to be, when Mom came and scolded us for being so careless with our dresses. Do you remember?"

"Hm – no I don't think so."

"Well you were very little. We talked about princes and how we wanted to have two girls, just like Mom had us. – Silly dreams of little girls."

"I don't think they were so silly – well perhaps the part with the prince, but the other…"

She stops when she sees my pained look.

"I'm sorry Em, I didn't mean to bring back bad memories. I shouldn't have asked."

"It's okay." I'm nearly whispering the words.

"You know you can be lucky."

"Can I?" I ask her bitter.

"You have Lorelai … and Rory - she's wonderful. And you two never seem to fight."

"We did."

"Excuse me?"

"In Stockholm. It was terrible, she was missing and I freaked out. When she finally got home we had a horrible fight, it was like I was talking to Lorelai. I'd never expected her to talk to me like that."

"But now you seem to be ok."

"Yes, we talked."

"See, then she's not like Lorelai. Fighting is normal Emily. You know that. Don't make it worse than it is. The main thing is that you've reconciled and that you did. She's lovely."

"I know. It's just – the memories I had up there weren't all pleasant and I… let's talk about something else ok?"

"Have you talked to Richard?"

My other favourite topic.

"Yes, I'm calling him once a week."

"That's good. And?"

"Nothing. I ask about him, he answers in telling me about his business. He hasn't changed."

Hope gives me her look while we're about to sit down on a bench.

"What? It's not that easy. – Have you ever seen such a beautiful sunset?"

"Have you ever seen such a beautiful sunset, Emily?"

Richard is coming to me, his hand on my shoulder. I'm not looking at the sunset. I don't want to see beautiful things. I've just lost my baby.

"What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing. Every 10th woman is having a miscarriage."

"Do you honestly think those statistics will help me?"

"I'm sorry. It's just - such things happen."

"Twice? I must have done something wrong. I hate myself for it." I say bitter.

"Emily Gilmore you will stop that immediately. It's not your fault and you know that. You've followed every advice they've given you." he says firmly.

He's turning me around, touching my chin to make me look at him.

"Please, try to think of something else. I've brought you here, out of Connecticut, to see something else. The landscape is beautiful – the mountains, the sunset…. Please Emily, life has to go on."

"How can it? That was my dream. Those two babies I've lost, they were my dream since I was a child. You don't understand Richard, but I don't want to notice the beauty of this place. There is no beauty in my life."

"Yes there is. The doctors said that we can try again after some time. They haven't forbidden you to get pregnant again. There's hope Emily. You just have to see it. Please try – for me."

I'm looking at him. I can see his concern and his love. But he doesn't understand. He's not the one, who'd felt the baby inside his body. I want to try for him, but I can't. Not right now. I'm grateful that he brought me here. I couldn't bare all the whispering and glares back home. But he doesn't understand.

"Please leave me alone, Richard." I whisper.

I can see the hurtful look in his eyes. Another thing for which I hate myself. He's kissing my forehead before slowly turning around.

"Richard?"

He's looking at me again.

"Give me some time."

He nods. "I love you Emily." Then he's gone.

I'm staring at nothing. I have no more tears. I have no hope. – Hope. I need Hope. Not that she's able to understand me, she hasn't had any miscarriage herself, but I can tell her everything I feel without feeling guilty. I know Richard would do everything to help me, but they were his babies, too. He's also suffering and I don't want him to listen to my sad thoughts. They would only hurt him more.

When I'm going back into our suite he's standing by the window, looking into the sky.

"Please call Hope. I need her here."

As soon as I've spoken these words he's picking up the phone to call her.

Why are these thoughts coming back to my mind? To show me how much Richard and I went through? To tell me how trivial our recent problems are? But they're not trivial. He of all people has to understand how important my relationship to Lorelai is. My precious girl, for whom I've waited for so long. And he's risking that.

But why then? Is it because of the similar landscape? Or to remind me of how much he cares for me? But that was a long time ago. What do I know if that's still the case.

Hope is still sitting beside me. The sun is gone. She's not saying anything, we're just sitting on the bench next to each other. She always knew when to be quiet and when to speak. She was the one who gave me back the ability to see the beautiful things of life. I don't know what I would've done without her back then – and now.

I'm turning towards her.

"Hope?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being my sister. For being here. For knowing how to handle me."

She takes my hand and smiles at me. We don't need words to understand each other.

Okay I was really thinking of whether or not writing about her past, but then I just did it – please tell me how you like it.