Chapter Four: Eru Save Us
Note: For this chapter, I highly recommend getting a cup of spice tea and a cookie for comfort food, since this has the Gandalf death scene in it. But I hope that it's still funny.
January 12
We took a vote for which direction to go in: towards the Gap or towards Moria. Only two people voted for Rohan: Boromir and Legolas. Boromir obviously wanted to go somewhere humans lived and not somewhere where dwarves lived, and no self-respecting Elf would go within leagues of a Dwarf residence if he had any choice whatsoever. I didn't vote because I am not supposed to be here, and SHE voted, along with everyone else, for Moria. I have a bad feeling that SHE intends to attempt to cleanse the Fellowship of problems- namely, me. Gimli was nearly beaming when the totals were announced, well, as far as his dwarven-ness would allow. I kind of felt sorry for him; his uncle is living down there somewhere- or was. I don't even want to think about that.
January 13
I've decided to keep count of the Legolas-Gimli totals, since I know they'll want them later. So far: Legolas-1 Gimli-0. And the crowds go wild! A Warg came into camp today, and said elf got him in the throat. All they really are are huge wolves- they come up to my shoulder. Not pleasant.
--
Would someone remind me why the dwarves had to hide their doors? It took us forever to find them, and we were already tired out from killing all those wargs. Update on the Legolas-Gimli contest: Legolas:12 Gimli: 9. Legolas got the leader; he lost one arrow though, but the tip is intact.
And now we wait for Gandalf to figure out the password. He's tried some Elvish rhymes, some Khuzdul, and some words I don't think I was supposed to hear. And now he's just sitting there. I was pacing until Boromir said, "Patience is a virtue," with nearly criminal placidity.
"One I am fast losing," I grumbled. I know the password, but Gandalf has to say it. Can't he hurry up? I mean, come on, the password is written on the door. If Gandalf just read the inscription aloud phonetically he would open the door. But no, he can't consider the hobbit's suggestions.
--
I just thought of something: what am I going to do once I complete my mission? Is that godmother going to come and send me back right where I left off? Or is something more complicated going to happen? I actually don't know whether, if given the choice, I'd like to go back. Frankly, the only thing that was going right was school. But that sort of success only stretches so far.
--
Wait, what is that I hear? Is it the dulcet tones of the password? Finally!
January 14
If you've read the books, you know what comes next. If you've watched the movies, you know what comes next. And though I have read the books and watched the movies, I was scared stiff when those tentacles shot out of the water. They first went for Frodo- duh. The guys rushed for the tentacles- that is to say, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Gandalf, and Boromir rushed for the tentacles to destroy them; the other hobbits just stood there in shock, waiting to be crushed by the flailing tentacles. Thinking fast (upon reflection, not thinking at all, which if you ask anyone like Mhera or Lisa or Milla or Alex, you will find is not something I do often) I grabbed the back of their collars and pulled them out of the way as a tentacle came crashing down where they had been. I then pulled them into the mines. What possessed me to run into a place that will soon be shut in that is full of rotting dwarves is beyond my thinking, but I did. It must be some sort of maternal instinct to protect beings smaller than me.
If it is, it's the stupidest thing ever imprinted in the female mind.
--
Yay, we're trapped. And Erusave us, I'm going to die.
Why you ask? Because there are two of THEM.
It happens, every once in a while in Mary-Sues. THEY can call in reinforcements if need be. And now, we have two Sues. Miriel and Alquawen. I am seriously considering borrowing Legolas' knife and slashing my wrists completely open. Well, I would if I wasn't such a wimp. Gods above: what have I done to deserve this?
How Sue Two got here is beyond my imagination, but she suddenly appeared after the doors crashed down. Sue One made a stupid excuse about why Sue Two is here (something about a sixth sense fit in there somewhere) and the Fellowship actually believed her. Again, I resisted the urge to impale myself on one of those dwarven pikes that seem to be everywhere.
And may I mention that rotting dwarves smell really, really bad? I literally had to find a corner and lose my supper because of the stench. At least everyone (besides Sues One and Two) was sympathetic. The hobbits look genuinely green, but I don't think that Morgoth himself could make a hobbit give up his food, especially when it is as scarce as it is here. And I feel really sorry for Gimli. He was looking forward to meeting his uncle and cousins, and he comes and finds that they are all dead.
--
Did I say that I was going to die? Well, I was incorrect.
I am so close to death it is not even funny.
Yup, the first stop we got, Sues One and Two started planning my demise. They found a rather secluded ledge that you couldn't sneak up to without being seen, nor could you hear what was being said on it anywhere near it. But the cavern we were in was like the Basilica- in the particular part where I was standing I could hear the most private of conversations (only in the Basilica it's usually confessional you can hear, not murder plots, unless you have a really weird murderer who confesses his plans). "We've got to get her out of the way," whispered Sue One. Even though I couldn't see her, hearing her nasally voice every day for the past few months has nailed it into my memory permanently- I'm scarred by her for life.
"Yeah, but how? That smelly dwarf and Boro- whatshisname like her. And Leggy won't help us, or Arrie." I nearly laughed at those ridiculous nicknames, but if I could hear them, they could hear me.
"Simple- we can just push her off a cliff somewhere. There are plenty of opportunities if I remember the movie right. There's even a bridge thing, I think."
I moved out of my little spot so I could think aloud, well, cry aloud into my sleeve. Unfortunately, a certain elf heard me. "Are you all right?" he asked.
My smile was watery. "Of course. Though the two cats," our code word again, "have finally decided that I am too much of a liability for them."
"So they plan for your elimination?"
I nodded. "That's one way of putting it. I ought to have an unfortunate accident, most certainly fatal, before we leave the caves."
He stood up. "I must tell Aragorn. It is not safe for you here."
"No!" I hissed, standing up. "If the cats end up harmed, or worse, dead, the one who sent them will end up most certainly killing me in revenge. And I don't think that you can stand up to a star."
"A star sent you?" He cocked an eyebrow. I have noticed over the past few months in Middle-Earth that elves tend to express all of their emotions via eyebrows. Their mouths and eyes don't change a lot, but they have a surprising amount of eyebrow dexterity. I know it sounds weird, but it's true.
"That's what I think. It's either that or she swallowed a Silmaril."
He laughed slightly but then grew serious. "If they try anything, anything, you must tell Gandalf. Swear it." Then he did something completely unexpected and unpleasant- he loomed. And trust me, you do not want an Elf looming over you, because it is downright scary. It makes the loom-ee lose all common sense.
"All right!" I squeaked. "I swear!" Gods I've never heard of, I'm a wimp. But hey, he stopped looming, so it's not all bad.
Still January 14, or maybe 15; I don't know
Dwarrowdelf today! It actually makes you feel absolutely miniscule, and it's made by dwarves. I think the sight would have even Alex slack-jawed, and that's saying a lot. Miles and miles of columns that you cannot see the tops of filled the hall. And apparently this is just part of the city- it was a lot bigger earlier. Though I have trouble imagining this stark hall actually being a trade center or any place you might find living creatures that weren't lined up ready to march on a foreign army.
Oh, great, Gimli's found a passage. It's Balin's tomb, I know it.
January 15
I knew it would happen.
It is in the books; it is in the movies. It had to happen or a lot of things would be messed up.
Why then am I so upset?
I know; it's because I am human. I feel for people because I belong to the stupid species. The hobbits were probably hit the hardest, since they thought that as long as Gandalf was with us, we would come to no harm. Even our hardened Elf warrior broke down and shed some tears. But Aragorn stood firm, because he couldn't cry. He was now the leader of our group, and his sadness was overweighed by a terrible sense of fear- he doesn't know what to do.
--
I should probably start nearer the beginning. The passage Gimli found did lead to Balin's tomb. Sue One and Sue Two were looking around. I heard Sue Two ask Sue One, "Where's that well? We can push her down it in the fight." Well, guess what girlie, there isn't a well in the tomb. Tough luck for you.
Right after the whole book bit (I really don't understand how anyone could read it- it had been literally soaked in orc blood) there was this cockroach- y sound from outside. And that's when I saw my first orc.
Orcs are about two inches taller than Gimli- in short (hah, a pun!) a lot smaller than I would expect. They really looked like cockroaches standing on their hind legs. And unfortunately, they wanted to squash me. So I had to squash them first- so to speak. When I cut through the first one's neck, it made this horrible sound like brittle plastic breaking. And trust me, I was feeling so sick that if I wasn't overtaken by terror I would have thrown up everywhere. So being the world's worst wimp is coming in handy after all.
After a lot of plastic breaking sounds and screaming (some unmistakably from Sue One and some probably from Sue Two) there came in this horrid walking talking rock- to be more specific, a walking, bellowing rock. I heard Aragorn hiss some words I definitely was not supposed to hear, and he launched himself at it. I couldn't look after that, because I was busy trying to squash another overgrown cockroach. And as soon as it started, it was over. The troll was on the ground, the orcs were either dead or run away. And then we heard some odd sounds. So we started running for the bridge.
Down steps.
Down steps made for dwarves.
Yup, the whole thing was very steep. And I was aided in my decent (or very nearly so) by Sue Two neatly bumping into me so that I might have accidentally been tossed over the edge if Legolas hadn't grabbed my arm and pulled me back up. Thank you, guardian angels. The score is now You: 2, Sues: 0. Anyways, we finally made it to the bridge, and frankly, it really, really needed handrails. As soon as we got to the other side, Boromir pushed me ahead, saying, "GO!" so I ran for the exit. I saw neither Balrog nor fall of Gandalf, but I could see terror and grief wrought on every sensible being's face. The other two faces (Sues One and Two) were sickeningly pleased.
I got to see Sue Two really for the first time. She has raven black hair, green eyes, and carries a katana- yes, one of those Japanese swords. How and why she brought it into Middle-earth is beyond my imagination, but then again, she is a Sue. She is beyond things such as common sense and rules.
Update on the elf-dwarf contest: Legolas: 29, Gimli: 30. Way to go dwarf!
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