Authors Note: Thanks cmbarrytx for your review. I love hearing your thoughts.
Chapter 18: Lonely and Jealous
I'm back for about a month now. Richard and I haven't changed. Sometimes I'm rereading Hope's letter, but I can't bring myself to go to him. And I haven't figured out my mistake – to be honest I haven't given it much thought, too. Perhaps I'm afraid to find out that all of this really is my mistake.
I've talked to Hope a few times on the phone, but we rarely talked about my problems – I didn't want to.
I'm living for the Fridays again. Friday I won't have to eat dinner all alone. I hate eating alone. Not that I never did when I was married – Richard was away very often, but I knew he would be back soon. Now it's different. I've even changed the background music from instrumental to actual singers – just to hear someone else.
I'm about to go downstairs for another lonely dinner, when I'm thinking about another time where I was afraid to go to this table, but for a different reason.
Richard and I had a terrible fight back then. He wanted me to join a group of women, because Mrs Stiles was the lead member there. But I knew that many friends of his mother were in it, too. I thought she would get them to spy on me even there. So that she would have influence over my life even when being in London. Richard had called me paranoid and hysteric. We were yelling and I came up with some horrible names for him – a lot worse than spineless jellyfish.
He left for work when we were still fighting – then he came back very late and went straight to his study. I remember all of this as if it had happened yesterday.
I'm in my bedroom. I've heard Richard coming home – 6:30. Almost dinner time. He's not coming upstairs or calling out my name. I knew it – he's still angry with me (and I can't blame him for it). I can understand why he wants me to join this group. It would be very good for his career. But I'm really concerned about the part Richard's mother and her friends are playing in it. And what bugs me the most, is that he's not understanding my feelings. He's not even trying - just calling me paranoid.
7:00 – I'm slowly walking down the stairs – now I have to face him. I don't want to continue fighting, I wonder whether he'll say anything. I said terrible things to him this morning – to be honest, I lost my temper.
I'm going to the dining-room. On my plate is a little package. Richard is already sitting in his chair. I can't read his face at all. I look at the package suspiciously. Slowly I'm unwrapping it. And there it is, the beautiful necklace I've seen a few weeks ago, when we were in NYC together. He must have bought it, without me noticing. Why is he giving it to me – now – when we're fighting. Did I miss an anniversary? – No, I don't think so.
"For me?" That's all I can say right now.
"Yes."
"I don't know what to say."
"Try 'Thank you'."
I'm swallowing.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"But why? I don't deserve this."
At least not right now.
"That's unimportant. I love you, that's what counts."
Again I don't know what to say. I said terrible things to him only a few hours ago and now he's telling me that he loves me. - And I love him, so why can't I attend some stupid meetings when he's asking me to do so? I feel so ashamed. I'm looking at the necklace.
"It's beautiful. Will you help me to put it on?"
"Sure."
I'm going towards him. The maid wants to serve the salad but I'm sending her away. Not now. He stands up and takes the necklace. When he's finished he turns me around.
"It is beautiful. You are beautiful."
How can he be so nice to me? Right now I'm thinking his mother was right. I'm not good enough for him. I was wrong in our fight. If nothing else his behaviour now is showing that to me. I look into his eyes. They're not angry at all – I can see only love in them – love for me. I feel like I'm about to cry.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"No it's not. I said terrible things. You don't know how ashamed I am right now. - Forgive me, Richard."
"I already have."
He's bending down to kiss me.
"If you really don't want to join this group then I'm not saying anything about it anymore. I never thought it would be this big a deal. I think I just didn't expect you to say no."
"I will join it – I'll call Mrs Stiles tomorrow."
"You know I'm not forcing you, and I wouldn't be angry –"
"I've made my decision – I love you Richard and I'll call her tomorrow."
"Thank you Emmy."
He's kissing me again.
"I can't say that I'm very hungry right now." he says with a certain smile.
"But dinner is ready. We have to eat."
"You're probably right."
I can see the disappointment in his eyes. Why has everything to be on schedule? I mean it wouldn't hurt anyone if we'd eat a little later, right?
"I'll be right back."
I'm heading to the kitchen.
"Rosa? Mr Gilmore has an important phone call to make. It will probably take half an hour. Try to keep dinner warm."
I'm returning to the dining-room.
"I just got us half an hour." I say to him – winking.
He takes my hand in his, and we're heading upstairs.
How I wish to find another package on my plate right now, telling me that he's still loving me, but nothing. I wonder whether he remembers all these things either. I guess not. I think men are different when it comes to romantic memories.
I've picked a Tony Bennett CD for tonight. That's the only sound I'm hearing – that and myself chewing. I'm not very hungry so I'm finished soon.
"Madonna Louise!"
She's coming immediately – I have her for over a month now.
"Can I get you some dessert, Mrs Gilmore?"
"No, thank you."
"Very good, Mrs Gilmore."
"And don't run the dishwasher. It's not full."
"I won't, Mrs Gilmore."
She's about to leave when I continue talking. I really need to speak to someone.
"I smelled something funny earlier in the northeast corner of the kitchen."
"I sprayed for ants this afternoon."
"Oh, Madonna Louise, I told you, you never spray that poison all over the place. You simply have to kill the scout ants so they don't go back and tell the rest of them where the food is."
"I know Mrs Gilmore."
Well when you know this, why did you do it? But at least I've something to talk about.
"You kill the scouts, or you use the chalk that we bought in Chinatown last month."
"Okay, Mrs Gilmore."
She's about to leave again – probably escaping my scolding.
"Madonna Louise?"
"Yes, Mrs Gilmore?"
"It was a lovely omelette."
"Thank you, Mrs Gilmore."
That brought a smile to her face. I guess I'm not saying this very often but it's the truth - the omelette was good. I would've eaten more, but I'm not very hungry.
Now it's 7:30 – what to do with the evening? I have nothing to do. I'm thinking about calling Rory, but then I don't want to disturb her. I'm a little annoyed that she's only calling me once in a while, I would've thought after we'd spend that much time in Europe together she would call me more often but then I shouldn't be unfair. It's not that she's sitting home alone every evening not knowing what to do with herself. I guess she has a lot going on right now with Yale and everything. And I'm seeing her every Friday – she's never missing our dinners. So I'll see her soon.
I'm standing up to blow out the candles on the table. Then I'm wandering over to the living-room. I see my new book lying on the table – I could read it. I'm placing the pillow to make it more comfortable and pick up my book to start reading.
I can't concentrate. I'm unsatisfied with myself. For a tiny moment I consider going over to the pool-house to talk to Richard – but about what?
I'm putting the book down. Perhaps I should just go to bed and watch some of the DVD's Lorelai has bought for me. I really love those musicals. I've never said to her how much I appreciate them. All I could do was criticize her, when she brought them over. I don't even know why I did this. Or why I never told her how often I've watched them already. I'm thinking about telling her soon, but I just know that I won't do it - again.
Why is it that I want to say so many things to the people I love most, but when it comes down to it I always back off. Why can't I tell them what I'm feeling? - I don't know.
Just when I'm about to go upstairs I hear a noise. A car – Richard's car. What is he doing, driving around that late? I'm walking over to the window – it really is his car. I'm hiding so that he's not able to see me. He's not supposed to know that I'm interested in his whereabouts.
I can't believe that he's driving away this late – and where is he driving? A business meeting? I highly doubt that. Pennylin Lott? I hate that this thought is coming to my mind. I really don't know what to think of this. But one thing is clear – even if I had gotten myself to the point to go over to him this evening, we wouldn't have solved anything – cause he's away.
I so need to talk to someone right now – but who? No one knows about the separation except – Lorelai. Yes, I'll call her.
I pick up the phone and dial her number – of course that damn machine. Well I'm not talking to the machine I'm not that desperate. And who knows who would hear it anyway. I try her cell phone – I hope she's taking the call. I'm still standing next to the window – somehow I can't leave this place – I have to know when he's coming back. Oh please Lorelai take this call. I really need to talk to her and I know that sometimes she's just hanging up when she sees my ID – she'd never admit that to me, but I know it's true.
She's picking up – great.
"Hello?"
"Lorelai? Oh, thank God I found you."
"Hi, Mom."
"The most bizarre thing has happened. At 7:30 at night, I had just finished my dinner. I was about to go upstairs and read, and I suddenly heard a car."
"Uh-huh."
"I ran to the window just in time to see your father driving away"
"Uh-huh."
Isn't she getting it? And please stop saying Uh-huh.
"He was driving away at 7:30 at night."
"Uh-huh."
"Lorelai!" I say exasperated.
"Was he driving backwards or with his feet?"
"Where was your father going at 7:30 at night?"
"Well, maybe he had a business meeting."
"At 7:30 at night? What, has he suddenly become a bootlegger?"
"Mom, I'm sorry. I'm about to go into a thing. Can we talk about this later?"
Sure – no time for me – how could I ever expect something else?
"Oh, absolutely. Far be it for me to intrude on whatever vague event you're going to."
"Great! Thanks, Mom. Bye."
I don't believe it – she hung up on me! She's not taking me seriously. I'm tempted to call her again, but she wouldn't take it now – I just know.
Great – I wanted to talk and when I need her, she's not there for me. I'm wandering around restlessly through the room. I certainly can't enjoy a musical right now (and again I've told her I wanted to read – not to watch her DVD's). I'm sighing. Even Madonna Louise is checking in on me, asking whether she could do anything for me – well she can't, so I send her away.
Finally at 8:30 he's coming home. I wonder where he was for the last hour. I'm watching him going over to the pool-house, just when I've decided again to go upstairs he's leaving it again and drives away – AGAIN. Why? And where?
I really feel stupid – standing by the window waiting for him to come home. If he's going away – I'm going away, too. It's not that I can't have fun without him. So I'm getting into my car. But where to go? Suddenly I remember the lovely place where I always ate when being in college. I haven't been there for ages. It should be fun to see it again.
It's not there anymore – I don't get it, everything has changed so much (including me). Again I don't know where to go. I'm driving around. I decide to try and call Lorelai again. She has to feel that I need to talk to her. Just this once. I'm calling her.
"Hello?" she says quietly.
Perhaps she really has a meeting. Or she's acting extremely well.
"Your father came home at 8:30. He went inside the pool-house for five minutes, and he got back in his car, and he drove away again."
"Mom, this is really not a good – "
"Traipsing all over the place at all hours of the night."
And don't interrupt me when I'm telling you about my evening – you will listen to me this time.
"Uh-huh. Mom, where are you? You sound very far away."
"Park Road."
"Park Road. Why?"
"I'm not going to be the one that sits at home alone in the dark like an Italian widow. If he can go out, then I can go out, so I went out."
"Well, good for you."
"I figured I'd have dinner. I already had dinner. But if Richard's having two dinners, then I can have two dinners, so I went to a place I used to eat at when I was in college. And do you know what I found? It's a 'Lube-And-Tune' with an X-rated T-shirt store next door."
And don't say that's childish – I know it is (especially if you're not hungry) but that's the way it is.
"Mom, this is silly. Why don't you just go home?"
"I'm not gonna be the first one back."
"Well, how long are you gonna drive around?"
She's not getting it, isn't she?
"Until I'm sure your father came home. Let him worry about where I was all night."
"Mom look, I can't talk right now."
"Well, I'm not done."
"I'll call you later."
"I could be dead later."
Perhaps a little unfair – but doesn't she hear that I need her right now?
"Call one of your friends."
Very clever.
"No one knows about the separation except you and Rory."
"Well, I'm sorry, Mom. I'm in the middle of something very important."
And this isn't? I wonder what can be that important.
"Well, this is important, too. Meet me for a coffee."
Coffee – the miracle word when it comes to Lorelai.
"Mom, I can't, and Rory just moved in, and she's at school getting settled, so if you really can't talk to one of your friends, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to finish this later."
"Fine."
I'm hanging up this time. She's not meeting me. I was nearly begging her and she turned me down. I'm driving around a little more – wait what did she say about Rory? She's getting settled at Yale? Well I think she's got herself some help right now. Why not pay her a surprise visit? And when she's out, at least I'm not driving around aimlessly anymore.
I arrive at her dorm – it's crowded, seems as if a party is going on here. I see Rory – she's talking to someone on her cell phone. I'm heading over to her.
"Rory."
She's turning around – surprised to see me here. I'm waving at her. She's coming towards me.
"Grandma."
"Well what is going on here?"
"I have to hang up now. - Bye" she's saying into her phone.
Then she turns to me.
"Wow, this is a surprise."
"Well I simply had to get out of the house and your mother told me you were home, so I thought I'd come by and say hello."
I'm looking around.
"Why are there pictures of Asher Fleming everywhere?"
"This is a wake for Professor Fleming. He died."
A wake? And I thought a party – and why hasn't Richard told me – he must have known about this. Another sign for how unimportant I am to him now. I can't resist to mention that to Rory (though I know I shouldn't).
"Well you'd think your grandfather could have mentioned that to me, but no. I bet he'll make me go to that insufferable man's funeral, though."
"He was cremated."
"Oh, thank God."
Suddenly Paris is running towards me and she's – hugging me. I don't know what to think of that. But then she always was a little - weird.
"Emily! It means so much to me that you came."
Huh? Was she expecting me? I wonder what's upsetting her so much – the death of a teacher? But then – she's – well - weird, I don't know how else to describe it.
"Well, yes. Asher was very devoted to his students."
And now she's starting to cry. I guess I have to comfort her a little (it's not that Rory or someone else is doing it and - well I don't mind – gives me something to do).
"Oh, now, there's no need to cry. Yale is full of excellent teachers."
We're sitting down on the sofa next to us and I try to calm her down. As soon as I've accomplished that, I reverse our roles. After me listening to her, she can really listen a little to me, too (well no one else is). So I'm talking to her about Richard, about this evening and him being away so late – I don't even know why. She's the first non-family person knowing about this, but perhaps she's not even listening because she's lost in her own crazy thoughts. I don't mind, I just have to speak to someone – anyone.
After I've told her everything I'm feeling a lot better. Perhaps this was even better than to tell Rory everything. I don't want to put her in the middle. Where is she anyway? I'm searching for her, but I can't find her. Finally someone is telling me, that she left some time ago. Well she really could've said goodbye to me. I don't know what got into her.
I'm driving back home. Ha - I've made it – he's home before me. Did he wonder about my absence? Did he even notice it? I guess I'll never find out.
Finally I'm going upstairs to go to sleep. When I'm putting my jewellery away I see a certain necklace – the one Richard gave to me when we were fighting. I quietly begin to cry.
Why can't he do this again? Why can't he tell me - in whatever way he would choose - that he still loves me? So that I can be sure of it, cause right now I'm not. I don't even know where he's spending his evenings.
But perhaps the painful truth is that he's not loving me anymore. That would explain why I'm not getting any signs from him.
Tonight I'm crying myself into sleep for the first time since our separation.
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