Authors Note: Thanks llanoestacado (someone changed her name) and emilygilmore for your reviews. It's good to hear that you're enjoying the flashbacks – I promise you'll get more of them (though not in this chapter).

Chapter 19: Secrets

It's Saturday and I'm returning from my DAR meeting. When I'm coming into the living-room Richard is standing there. I didn't know he was coming over – did I miss an appointment?

"Richard." I say surprised.

"Hello Emily."

"Did I miss something?"

"No – we need to talk. Do you have some time?"

"Yes."

I wonder what he's up to. He's looking very sincere.

"I'm sorry Emily – I'm sorry for the way I've treated you last year. I took you for granted, I know that was wrong. And I didn't mean to jeopardize your relationship to Lorelai, but Floyd was threatening to take everything away from us. I couldn't let that happen. I have to take care of you - of us. But I should've talked to you about this. I'm sorry, I didn't. I've missed you terribly. - Forgive me Emmy."

Finally, finally he told me everything I need to hear. Tears are coming into my eyes. I'm going towards him.

"I've missed you, too." I whisper.

Then I hug him and he kisses me.

Where am I ? It's dark – I'm in my bed. It's the middle of the night. It was a dream – only a dream. I'm getting sad. How I wish to hear those sentences from him – at least a little of it. I'm looking over to his side – he's not there, of course he's not. It was all a dream.

I feel so lonely. I've never lived alone. I've gone from my parents, to college to Richard. I wasn't even one day on my own. I feel so lonely.

And then it hits me – this is the way it will be from now on – I'll be lonely. It was only a dream – I'll never hear those words. If he would've wanted to say them to me, he had plenty of opportunities to do so. He didn't use them. I am lonely. That's not the way how I feel – it's how it is. I'm on my own.

I'm standing up – I can't sleep anymore anyway. I'm looking outside. Everything is dark – naturally. Wait was that a shadow? Is someone there? Did I hear something? I hate myself for this, but to be honest I'm scared. I'm scared of being alone in this house (except for the maid, but she is no protection at all). And I'm scared of the fact that Richard won't come back. Pull yourself together Emily Gilmore. I'm returning to my bed. I still can't sleep. I'm turning on the TV. I rarely do this, but I need entertainment. To forget my loneliness.

Just when I'm about to drift to sleep again, there's a commercial for a panic-room going on. A panic-room. One that would even stop a 9-millimeter shell. That's what I need. I'm writing down the number. I'll call there first thing in the morning. If Richard isn't here to protect me, at least I'll have a place to hide if someone is breaking in. With that thought in mind I finally manage to get a little more sleep (and deep inside me there's still a little hope that everything will work out between us – miraculously – I mean I'm dreaming about it, isn't that something)?

It's Friday night and I'm lying in bed thinking about the last days. The minister was coming over a few days ago. Luckily the panic-room hadn't arrived when he was there – don't know how I would have explained that. But I had something else to explain. Richard took away the whiskey – to be exact he took away the whole drink cart. The large one which is usually standing in our living-room. He must've stolen it when I was away. That left me with the little one from upstairs – which has no whiskey at all. So I couldn't give it to the minister which was embarrassing at least. He always gets this drink and I always have it there – I hate it when the guests aren't getting what they're used to. Of course I've apologized to him and he didn't make that big a deal out of it, but I've seen the disappointed face. Let's just hope he's not telling it around the neighbourhood. The good thing however is, that I could totally hide the fact that Richard and I have separated – he has no clue at all. I'm quite proud of that.

A little later the panic-room did arrive, but oh my I'll never buy anything from a TV channel again – the people were so dumb. Telling me I hadn't told them about the stairs (which is not true) and so it's standing in the middle of the foyer now – how inappropriate. It should've been upstairs. And the men were away so fast, I couldn't even complain properly. That's a first.

Today of course the girls came and because Richard is away – again – I've had them for the whole Friday Night Dinner. I knew Lorelai would make her comments about the panic-room and she did. Pretending she would be a burglar and trying to get me into it – very silly. Luckily Rory arrived and interrupted this. Both of them did mention Jody Foster though and I have no clue why. I hate when they reference to something which I know nothing about.

When we were about to sit down I wanted to give Lorelai her gin martini and of course there was no gin either. I was calling for Sara (the new maid, it didn't work out with Madonna Louise after all, and we had such a good start, well however) and told her to check the house for gin - we must have some somewhere. Not that Richard was there so that we could've solved this drink cart thing once and for all. Far be it if from him to be there when I want to argue with him.

Then I told the girls about how I never was alone.

"But, Grandma, you're not alone alone. Grandpa is only a few feet away."

"He might as well be a million miles away. I don't even know if your grandfather would look up from his stamp collection if he heard me scream."

"That's not true." Rory said.

She was constantly defending him. Typically. Well I shouldn't be unfair she loves her grandpa and our problems shouldn't change that.

"Unless his nose got stuck to the stamp in the book and he physically couldn't look up." Lorelai said.

Yes for you that's a big joke I know that. But not to me.

"He's gone so much, he's no protection, anyway. He just left on some business trip, and it was an afterthought that he even bothered to tell me about it at all."

"But he told you, so that's not an afterthought. That's a thought - a very thoughtful thought." Rory said - of course.

"I'm sure it was in some way for his own convenience." I replied.

Then Sara returned from her gin search.

"There's no gin anywhere, Mrs Gilmore."

"Oh, perfect."

After Lorelai made one of her inappropriate jokes which the maid didn't get at all I told Sara to check the study.

"Yes, ma'am."

"I should just call Richard myself - drag him away from whatever business meal he is having and make him tell me."

And I really should have done this – don't know why I didn't.

"It's okay. Mom doesn't need a martini. Right?"

"Yeah. Right. I'll take what you got. What's good enough for the minister is good enough for me."

Again Sara was returning – very quickly I highly doubt that she's searched thoroughly. From now on I remember every detail of the evening it was so upsetting. I'm relieving it again.

"Your hands are empty." I say to Sara.

"The door to the study is locked."

"He locked the study?" I say upset.

I can't believe this. First he's stealing my drinks and then he's locking the study? What does he expect me to do – to steal his business papers? I'm so upset right now.

"Mom, really, I don't need gin. I'll take whatever you have."

"I don't have anything. That's the problem. Come on."

I'm standing up to get the keys to the pool-house. That's it, if he's stealing the drinks from me on purpose I don't know why I shouldn't get them back. He's locking the study? For privacy or whatever? Well I guess he forgot that I still have the keys to the place he's currently living in, so there's no privacy for him. I'm going there right now.

"Come on where?" Rory asks.

"I'm not going to let Richard's business trip keep you from having the drink you want."

Bad enough that the minister didn't get what he wanted – that's not happening again.

"Grandma, wait."

Like hell I'm not. And they're following me – of course. No one can stop me right now. I'm entering the pool-house.

"Should we really be doing this?"

Oh please Rory don't be so afraid. I'm looking around – it's smelling awful.

"Oh, that he can live in this squalor."

"It's another Calcutta. Is that open sewage?" Lorelai says.

"It certainly smells like a sewer in here." I reply.

"It's his cigars. That's the smell." Rory explains.

"It's more than cigars. It's debauchery." I say turning to his desk.

Lorelai and Rory are saying things I don't pay attention to. I'm looking through his papers. Suddenly I notice his breath mints – it's five of them.

"He must have five packs of breath mints here. Why would a man need five packs of breath mints?"

"It could be the gorgonzola and onion diet he's on. It has its drawbacks." Lorelai says.

She can't take anything seriously. I'm opening his drawers.

"Grandma, I feel kind of weird snooping like this."

Oh please not that again.

"This is my property as much as his, and when we die, it'll be yours. We're all entitled here. He's got some new books."

I'm looking at his books. Lorelai has wandered over to the kitchen – at least she's not so timidly as Rory. And she's found something, too.

"Hey, my Petunia Pig plate and spoon. What's it doing here?"

"Oh, odds and ends wound up out here over the years."

"This is not an odd nor an end. It's my Petunia Pig and I'm taking it."

"It's not yours to take." Rory says.

"Dad's not using my Petunia Pig spoon."

"I say take it." I say.

Then I'm looking through his things again – not paying attention to the girls anymore. I'm wandering over to his closet. Lorelai has spotted me.

"Looking for skeletons?"

"I'm just looking."

And I can't believe what I've found.

"Oh, my God."

"What, did you really find a skeleton?"

"Oh, my God. Will you look at this?"

Shocked I'm pulling out a vest with the most ugly colourful sequins you can imagine.

"Bright." Rory says.

"And tasteful." Lorelai replies – sarcastically at least.

"It's a vest." I say upset.

"Grandpa has lots of vests."

"It's got glitter. It's a glitter vest." I say even more upset.

"So?" Lorelai asks.

"So? Where in the world would your father wear a vest like this? Certainly nowhere he ever would've taken me."

"Grandma, it's just a vest."

No Rory it's not.

"Yeah Mom. There's tons of places he would wear that."

"Name one."

"Okay, I'm at a loss." She admits.

Me too.

"This is insane." I continue.

"Mom, this is the place where unwanted things came to repose. Maybe it's a vest of his from the old days." she says trying to calm me down – not working though.

"Our days never included Richard dressing up like that gay fellow whose tiger tried to eat him. I have definitely, positively never seen this vest. This is a party vest." I say pointing to it.

"Okay, just put it back, Mom, and let's go."

"You put it back."

I don't want to have anything to do with this. Apparently I don't know him at all. I can't believe this. Lorelai takes the vest.

"You know, we've moved a lot of stuff around here tonight. We've got to cover our tracks." Rory says concerned.

I so don't care about that – I'm ignoring her.

"Where did you find it?" Lorelai asks.

"Squished in the middle, as if he was hiding it from me. - How dare he have a vest like that."

"Okay, the mints looked something like this, right?"

And if she's not stopping that soon I'm going to flip-out completely.

"That devious man." I mutter.

"Come on, Mom, let's go."

Lorelai is pushing me out of the pool-house. Apparently she'd put it back. I can't get it – what is he thinking, dressing up like that – and hiding it from me. I wonder what other secrets I would've found there, if I'd had more time.

I couldn't enjoy dinner because I was always thinking about it. All my thoughts were circling around that cloth of his and that was everything I could talk about. Lorelai tried to stop me saying things like Please Mom – not again. or Can't you stop thinking about it? That's paranoid and Rory tried to change the subject constantly but nothing worked. I can't get over it and what it means. My little hope that everything will work out eventually is getting smaller and smaller. I don't know him at all. We're not talking anymore and that's the result of it.

Today I tried to change the code of the panic-room but I couldn't. These stupid people who delivered it were away before explaining and whoever has written the manual must have had another sort of panic-room cause nothing – and I mean nothing – turns out as it is supposed to. After trying for over an hour I'm giving up. I will just have to take the code it came with.

Well someone has to know the code. But who? Certainly not Richard. He's not caring for me at all – he wouldn't even notice if I would be stuck in there. The maid isn't an option either (since I can't change the code) - within a year half of Hartford would know it. Other neighbours or friends – not an option too, I would've to explain the separation and I'm not ready for that. So this leaves Lorelai and Rory. I don't want to bother Rory with it – and she's at Yale, that's too far away anyway. So Lorelai it is. She's my daughter after all – she should be able to handle this. I'm picking up the phone to call her.

"Hi there."

"Lorelai, are you alone?"

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to give you the secret code to open the panic-room from the outside and I don't want to do it if you're not alone."

"Just hanging out here with my close friend Tex Watson."

That she can't take one thing seriously. I don't know where she got that from.

"This is not a joking matter. Can I trust you with this information?"

As if I have any other choice, but maybe she recognizes the importance of this now.

"Maybe not. Maybe you should give it to someone else, someone closer."

Or maybe not. What is she thinking?

"Well, I can't trust a neighbour."

"How about Dad?"

Great suggestion – were you even there on Friday?

"Oh, your father wouldn't come to my rescue if I was on fire. Besides, that vest of his is so loud he wouldn't be able to hear me screaming."

"Okay, Mom. Give me the code, and I will keep the code safe."

Finally.

"Okay. Here goes. Are you ready?"

"Pen is poised."

"1, 1… 1... 1, 1." I say seriously – hoping she will get the importance.

Since this is the code I'm stuck with I have to take it serious, but I know you - so go ahead – make your jokes I know they will come now (and to be honest I can't blame you this time – this is silly. I should be able to change it, but… I'm never watching those commercials again – gives you nothing but trouble).

"Is that the code it came with?"

Hey no joke at all – you're surprising me.

"Well, I don't know how to change it. The men were supposed to show me, and now it's the code I'm stuck with. Did you write it down?"

"Barring an aneurysm, I think I'll remember it."

Ok, that was late for you Lorelai - and tasteless (though most of your jokes are). But a joke nonetheless – I knew it.

"Well, factor in an aneurysm and write it down. This is important."

"Okay. I'm writing it down. 1, 1, 1, 1, 1."

"Don't say it out loud." I say upset.

Is she insane? Who knows who's overhearing her in that crazy town of hers.

"Our football team is so great, that we won, won, won, won, won."

"Everything's a joke."

"No, Mom, seriously. The mailman overheard. I gotta get off the phone and chase him down and whack him."

Yes that's my Lorelai – but now it's getting tiring so it's best to ignore her.

"Hide that number." I say seriously.

"I will. Goodbye."

„Goodbye."

Phone-calls with Lorelai really can be exhausting.

A little later that day I'm sitting at my desk writing some letters when I suddenly hear someone coming in.

"Who is it?"

I look up from my papers and see Richard coming in. I wonder what he's up to – telling me again that he's leaving for some business trip tomorrow? (For a moment I'm reminded of my dream, but no he wouldn't apologize – I just know it.)

"I hope this isn't a bad time."

"No, I was just catching up on some correspondence."

"I just wanted to let you know that our property tax bill is wrong this year. I'm contesting it. In case they call here, I wanted to let you know."

"Fine. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Of course it was something like that. We're only talking about these kinds of things. Never the really important ones. Never about what we're feeling or doing. Richard has turned around to leave and I'm returning to my letter.

"Oh, and I've joined a barbershop quartet." he suddenly says.

"Oh."

Well that would explain…

"Yeah, we do it up right. Dress in period costumes. These silly vests and things. We've performed a couple of times at charity events."

"All right." I say and I can't hide a little smile – so that's where he needs this vest for.

"It's part of a barbershop chorus. That's a group of about 30."

"Very good." I say still smiling.

"I guess I'll be going."

He turns to leave again, but suddenly I hear him stop. I'm turning around to see what made him stop. He's staring at the panic-room. Right he doesn't know about that either.

"I bought a panic-room." I explain.

"Very good." He answers – looking at me quickly before leaving.

I'm sitting there thinking about our short conversation. How a few words can change so much. Now I know what his vest is about and I have to admit that all my thoughts were silly. Perhaps he just forgot to tell me earlier. And to be honest he wasn't the only one with a secret – I never mentioned the panic-room to him either. So do we now know everything what's going on in the other ones life, or does he have more secrets? I don't know, but I want to believe that there are no more secrets.

At least he came to me to tell me something about him – not his business, but him. My hope that we will be able to solve our problems in some miraculous way I don't know about right now is getting a little bigger again.

My laptop crashed, so I can't update so often anymore the next time. But I really try to do it once a week when I'm home (no promises). However I would love to hear your opinion so click on the review button.