Chapter Six: Down the Falls in a Barrel... Or Not

February 18, day 3 of the ceaseless rowing

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream... hah!

My arms are so sore they can barely move. I keep telling myself that they'll get better, but they haven't. So I'm in my unhappy place right now- right behind the Sues and their putrid hair. For safety's sake, I sit behind them in the first boat. They can't kill me without risking drowning, since they'd have to turn quickly enough that I and my new reflexes couldn't block them, and so Legolas, Aragorn, or anyone else could hurl a projectile at them; such a quick turn would probably upset the boat and they would drown with their heavy skirts. Ah, thank the Valar for small favors- like pants!

Bad news: I just realized that I must have dropped one of my three pens while in Moria. At least it was the one I had used up the most ink in.

February 19, day 4 of the ceaseless rowing

Thank Ulmo for current, thank Ulmo for current, thank Ulmo for current. Man, without that stuff, my arms would have filed for abuse from having to row all the time.

February 20, day 5 of the ceaseless rowing

I have a suspicion that someone saw something last night and didn't tell me. Oh well, nothing interesting to report.

February 23, day 8 of the ceaseless rowing

We had the first interesting event in days. Unfortunately, it was a bunch of orcs, or yrch, depending on your language preference. And then the rapids of Sarn Gebir. Oh joy.

We had intended on portaging around the rapids when those stupid yrch archers attacked. Then we were forced onto the river. Unfortunately (I seem to use that word a lot) there were orcs lining both banks, so we couldn't land anywhere close or go off into the woods. At some point on our downstream voyage, someone (cough, me, cough) hunched down in the boat and tried to look as log-like as possible. The other boats caught on, including the two idiots in front of me, who were screaming really loudly when an arrow came within three feet of them. No changes in the totals, since Legolas was too busy being a log for him to shoot anyone. Sue One was very disappointed that her obsession did not prove his superiority to ugly dwarves again.

Once we got far enough away from the last orc attack to satisfy Aragorn's paranoia, we evaluated the damage. No one died- unfortunately for all us non-Sues. One arrow had gone through a loose part of Aragorn's cape, another had to be cut out of the gunwhale of the third boat, and another pierced through the cloak, jacket, and shirt of Frodo, but didn't hurt him since he had on the mithril coat. Of course, it was my job to mend the hole in Aragorn's and Frodo's capes and the jacket, since I am the only one who can mend a tear decently. It was pretty funny.

February 25, last day of ceaseless rowing!

Oh. My. Goodness.

The Argonath are beyond huge. They are humongous. I have no idea how they were made, considering the tools that would have been available, but evidently there is some sort of way that that could happen. I remember watching a television program on public TV where they would investigate ancient structures like Stonehenge and obelisks and try to figure out how they were made. If Middle-earth ever gets televised media, I am so going to suggest it.

Anyways, the first thing Legolas did when we got to the falls of Rauros was take out his old bow and insist I learn how to use it. I had tried archery twice in Lorien as an exercise to improve my mid-range vision. That was when I discovered why the insides of my sleeves are extra long and are lined with leather. The elves who showed me how to actually hold a bow said that I was "passable for a novice," meaning that I stunk but might improve if given five hundred years. So Legolas was ready to start his five hundred year investment- it isn't as if I don't have the time. Valar, because of this species change I have eternity.

So within my first hour of instruction, I managed to hit the "target" about a third of the time, which was a circle a handspan wide etched into a dead tree. But Legolas said- very gently- that my chances of killing an unaware orc are about one in ten and my chances of wounding him are one in five, and my chances of hitting a moving target are about the same as the stars outshining the sun. So now I am sentenced to daily practice. Yes, I must practice every day we can fit the time in until my failure rate is obliterated. No misses are allowed. I, of course, believe this is totally unfair. Last month I could barely walk, and now I am expected to learn every weapon that they can find to shove in my hands. There is just so much information that a girl can absorb, people!

I guess I'm being unfair. This skill will probably end up saving my life, what with Sues One and Two.

February 26

Today was the day. Yes, I mean that day- the one where everything falls apart.

We were just sitting in camp when someone (I can't remember who) noticed that Frodo and Boromir had gone- bad sign number one. So they all went off in search of Frodo and Boromir- except me, because I tripped and fell on my face. That was a major surprise, since I didn't expect it. Moreover, why didn't my new eyes see what I tripped on, and why didn't my new balance help me? But I didn't really have time to contemplate the contradictions of this world when my new reflexes saved me from certain death by Sue sword. I jumped up and faced my attackers, drawing my sword in the process.

Surprise, surprise.

"We're sick of you getting all the attention!" hissed Sue One. "It's time you learned some respect for those who're better than you!"

"Older, yes, better, no," I replied with a mocking grin. I remembered what Haldir had taught me about fighting back in Lorien- "When you become angry, you lose control, like a leaf in a strong wind. If you stay calm as a fully grown tree, you will still be able to think." Cheesy, but accurate. If my theory was right, I'd gain an advantage, which I desperately needed. If I was wrong, there were going to be some very happy carnivorous fish in that lake and some very happy people on the shore.

I was right. Sue Two lunged for me with her ridiculous katana and tried to stab me. What she forgot in her anger was that her particular katana was even worse at stabbing than my sword. So I twisted my sword around and hacked off the blade as if it were aluminum. Miracle: I actually did it.Sue Two stared at what remained- the hilt- in shock. Then Sue One tried to get me with her heavier blade. This was a bit trickier, since I couldn't cut her blade in half. I tried to think of something else. Then another Haldir phrase came to mind. "There are other forces besides you and your foe in a battle. The trees may choose to trip you or your rival; the water may sweep away you or the enemy..." Okay, he was really talking about respecting the environment in a battle situation so it wouldn't turn on you, but hey, it applied. So I figured that I had to force the Sues into the water so they and their ridiculous skirts would be dragged over the falls of Rauros. (Un)fortunately, behind Sue One, Sue Two was running for the river. I prayed that the current would hate her as much as I did, and I swung towards Sue One.

As expected, she blocked it. But in doing so, she had to take a small step back. One step closer to the water. A female scream came from over where the falls dropped, so I smiled in satisfaction. One down, one to go. Just me and HER.

SHE tried to stab me, but I knocked her blade out of the way. In order to regain her balance from such a forceful swing, SHE stepped back again. There were about three steps to go before her boots would get wet. There were some blows and parries exchanged there, neither moving. I then swiped atHER with my fingernails, tearing off that stupid talisman and necklace, forcingHER to take a giant step back. But I felt my berserker blood rising- yes, I was three quarters berserker before this evil species-changing thing- and I let out a maniacal laugh.

That scared HER- badly. She fairly ran backwards; the water was nearly halfway up her calf, but seeing as her skirts were ground length and very heavy, SHE was already struggling not to lean with the current. I ran towards her, SHE ran back into knee-high water. "It's over, wench, admit it," I snarled. By that time, I was no longer a sentient being. I wanted revenge for taking my whole previous life; I wanted to rend the flesh that had tried to rend mine.

SHE said, trying to be brave, "Not yet." ShHE then went farther into the water, sword forgotten, until it was up to her waist. SHE then tried to swim across the rest of the way. SHE played right into my hands. In the middle, the current got so strong that it simply picked upHER by the skirts and pulledHER over to the falls. Right before the drop, her head bobbed up- just enough to see her eyes narrowed at me in utter hatred- and thenSHE was gone.

I was so relieved- I had managed to survive the Sues. Then I felt another sort of draining- my energy levels had totally been used up in controlling that bloodlust that my berserker blood held. I knelt in the freezing water, not caring about the biting cold water. Then I felt someone tap my shoulder- Frodo. He'd watched everything. I think he wanted to ask what just happened, but I shoved the talisman into his hands and said, "Frodo, when you go to Mount Doom to toss the Ring in, chuck this in too. It's just as dangerous." Frodo simply nodded and went across the river/lake.

I just stayed there for a very long time looking at the water, trying to get myself under control. I would have fallen face-forward into theriver since I was so tired, but finally someone came up and grabbed my shoulder and dragged me to shore. More Haldir quotes ran through my head: "The aftermath may be as bad as the battle." So I listened to that dude, give me a break. Anyways, when I was dragged back to the bank, I finally realized that the water was freezing cold. Not just your ordinary unheated- swimming- pool cold, your freshwater- spring cold. Well, duh, it was February after all; spring doesn't really start until March at the earliest. I sat shivering in a little huddle on the shore. Then I looked up. Everyone who was supposed to be here was here- Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn. Only I wasn't supposed to know what happened to the others. "Where is Lord Boromir? And the Halflings?"

Aragorn looked uncomfortable, Gimli shifted his weight, and Legolas just stood straighter. I answered for them. "Lord Boromir is dead."

What remained of the Fellowship nodded in their own manner. I didn't notice it before, but elves nod by moving their head up or down once, kind of like body language reticence. Aragorn then said, "The two younger hobbits have been taken by orcs." It was only then that I noticed that the bank was peppered with short orc arrows.

I decided to play the idiot once more. "And the Ringbearer and Samwise?"

"They must have crossed the river during your battle, on the far side. You did not notice them?"

I snorted. "Well, in case you didn't notice, I was trying to stay alive while fighting a magically enhanced person who is at least five years older than me and has had a lot more practice. That takes concentration."

And thus started the lectures, mainly from Legolas since Aragorn and Gimli went to go get Boromir's body. You should stay alert of your surroundings, yada yada, if they had been orcs you would have been dead, yada yada, are you actually listening, yada yada. I dozed off after the first hour, but this was very anti-Legolas, to be verbose. Okay, so I'm not being fair. But it was really long!

At that point, Aragorn and Gimli returned with the corpse. I had never seen one before, so this was a big, huge, major shock. He looked like a rather unfortunate pincushion at first glance. But when you looked closer, you could see that he was very pale, and his black hair contrasted horribly. I couldn't look after that and went promptly into the woods to throw up and cry. Okay, I had known Boromir would die. But he had been like the older brother I never had. You can't blame me.

When I got back, one of the boats was missing, and so was the body. Aragorn and the others were emptying bags and choosing all of the really necessary stuff to go in the four small knapsacks that they had chosen. Then everything was explained to me- that we were going in search of orcs. I also got my new instructions. If I saw anything, anything at all, that looked like an orc, I was to give a signal, and retreat. However, if we were close to a town, I was to run as fast as my new legs could carry me and hide there. So now we go on that famous 45 league trek that takes four days. I hope I can survive this, considering how long I've known how to run with these new legs. Valar save my broken body!

Reviewer responses:

Cainwen the Warrior: It's a long story, why Arien ended up with those two THINGS. It was a return favor-thing. And she has regretted it.

Tera Earth: Well, my first thought on the ear-thing was that they were human-shaped, then I read The Lost Road and Other Writings, where they said something about ears being leaf-shaped. So in desperation I went on a walk to collect every shape of leaf I could find. For some reason, a maple leaf was on the pavement, so I picked it up. I found some ear-shaped leaves- water oaks- so that's what I gave Legolas. And I was desperate for something NOT like Peter Jackson elves. So the Maple-Leaf ear was born. And I think the Sues will indeed be sleeping with fishes- for a while anyways.

Anonymous Reader: If you read Appendix F, you find out that all elves in any locationEXCEPT those related to Galadriel and Glorfindel have black hair. They also all (no exceptions) have grey eyes.

lior-a: I think Haldir deserves a bit more attention; don't you? Everybody thinks of him as "that elf that dies," but he's way more important than that.

Laer: The Fellowship would actually be blinded by ugliness if the Sues looked like they really do. Oh, and chocolate milk? That sounds good; I'll take glass.

Elven Bunny: There's a banquet scene in Imladris where Elrond, Glorfindel,and Gandalf stand up together. Elrond, who has a little human blood, is significantly taller than Glorfindel. And there's some mention of height somewhere else, but I've got to find it.

KurleyHawk2: Why thank you! Have a cookie. Sugar or chocolate chip?

Thank you reviewers! For my other readers, please review if you have anything to say! I even respond to anonymous reviews!