Authors Note: Thanks llanoestacado for your review. It's good to hear that you've enjoyed the panic-room, cause I wasn't so sure about it.

Chapter 20: Emily's Fear

It's Wednesday. I'm about to leave to have my hair done, when the phone is ringing.

„Hello."

„Hello Emily – it's Bitty."

„Bitty – how are you?"

„I'm fine, but I'm worried about you?"

Is that just a saying or are rumours getting around?

"Why? - I'm fine." I say cheerfully.

„Well I've just seen the guest-list for the dinner at the Children's Hospital and you're not on it."

Oh that, right – I thought people would get suspicious if we would attend separated too often – I guess they're assuming things anyway.

"Well you know that the girls are coming over for Friday Night Dinner."

"But you've always attended that Children's Dinner. Are you sure everything is alright?"

"Of course it is – that's the only time I'm seeing them and Richard is away on business again and I don't like to attend those functions without him."

"You did so in the past weeks." she says with a certain tone in her voice.

"I had to because his travelling increased, otherwise I would have missed everything." I explained.

I'm thinking of the time before he retired for the first time. Back then I stayed at home and missed a lot of what was going on in society.

"Then you can do it again – we all miss you terribly Emily. Some are even gossiping that you're having problems." she adds laughing.

"Of course we don't have – he's just busy." I say defending.

"That's what I told them – Richard and Emily – never. You two are made for each other. But please rethink it Emily – we would miss you, honestly. Can't you just cancel on the girls this one time?"

Seems that I have to give in. I don't want people to gossip and when I'm attending I at least know what's going on.

"Alright. If it's not too late, I'll be there."

"That's great, and you know quite well that it's never too late for Emily Gilmore. I'm so glad that you're coming. Without you everything is so boring."

"Not next Friday though."

"That's good to hear. My greetings to Richard."

"Thanks – give mine to Henlin, too."

"I will – see you on Friday Emily."

"Goodbye Bitty."

Oh my – she nearly got me. But I'm perfect at hiding those kind of things. And I really think that she believed me (or do I only want to believe it – I know I'm not the only one who can play this game).

So I guess I have to cancel on the girls later, now I have to leave for the hair-dresser.

It's Friday morning. To get through to Lorelai or Rory is impossible. Somehow they're not answering their cell-phones and I refuse to leave a message. When I'm not seeing them this week, I at least want to speak to them.

After I've tried several more times I decide to give up. So I'm telling Bob (honestly every time I've called the Dragonfly someone else was answering the phone) to tell Lorelai that Friday Night Dinner is cancelled. He promised to tell her, at least that's what I've understood – he has a terrible Spanish accent. I'm sure that Paris has understood me though – she'll tell Rory.

I'm driving back from the Dinner. We've raised a decent amount of money – that's good. The hospital needs it. But I didn't feel comfortable. People were staring at me, and even though I did explain that Richard is away on business (which is no lie) they were giving me strange looks. Even Bitty. I left as soon as possible. I don't know how much longer we can fake a harmonious marriage.

When I'm arriving back home I see Lorelai's jeep standing in the driveway. Didn't she get the message, or did something happen? I hurry to get inside. And I can't believe my eyes. Right on the living-room carpet are Lorelai and Rory with four pizza plates around them – two of them are already empty and they're eating the other two with their hands, from the paper plate - and they haven't even their shoes on.

"What on earth are you doing here?"

"Hi Mom."

"Hi Grandma."

"Answer my question."

"Mom, what would Miss Manners say to you coming in here, not even greeting us?"

Lorelai please – but if you insist.

"Hello Lorelai, hello Rory - what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Eating dinner." Lorelai answers.

"That's hardly dinner. And I swear if I find only one tiny stain of tomato sauce or whatever on my carpet you'll regret that you ever had this silly idea." I say looking to Lorelai.

"How do you know this was my idea? There are two of us here."

"Because I know you. – Am I right? - Rory?"

She's not saying anything.

"Rory?" I demand.

"Well - "

"Yes it was me, Mom."

"I knew it. What on earth were you thinking? Do you know how expensive the carpet is?" I say looking at it for stains.

"We were careful Grandma."

"I truly hope so – and get your shoes on – we're civilized people, at least I thought so."

Rory is doing like I told her.

"You're no fun." Lorelai is mumbling to her.

"Jane!" I'm calling for the maid.

"Yes ma'am?"

"Clean this mess at once."

"Yes ma'am."

With that she's picking up the paper plates.

"But I'm still hungry Mom."

"You can finish to eat this at the table with a knife and fork as I taught you 35 years ago. And get your shoes on. What are you two doing here anyway?"

They look at each other in disbelief.

"Eh Mom, it's Friday – you remember five years ago you invented something called Friday Night Dinner – we had to come here ever since, so the more appropriate question is, why weren't you here?"

"I had to attend the dinner for the Children's Hospital. It was impossible to catch you two, so I've told Paris and Bob to tell you."

"Bob?"

"Someone at the Dragonfly with a horrible Spanish accent – don't you know the people who are working for you?"

"Of course I do Mom – it's just he's not the one – never mind – he's fired."

For a moment I wonder whether this is a joke or if she really is like me.

"So no one told you?"

"No." they say.

"Why haven't you left a message on the answering machine Mom?"

"I don't talk to machines Lorelai – and how should I know that the people you employ aren't reliable?"

"Right – I shouldn't have asked. My bad."

"So stand up and let's finish dinner in a decent way. And get your shoes on Lorelai." I say leaving for the dining-room.

"Is everything alright Grandma?"

"Of course it is Rory. Why shouldn't it?"

"Well you seem tense."

"Does that surprise you – given the state you were in when I arrived here?"

"Sorry. We just – "

"Whatever. So let's finish eating your ‚dinner'."

The rest of the evening was tense. I know I shouldn't be that upset, but with everything going on before at the Children's Dinner I can't help it.

It's Tuesday. I haven't heard from Lorelai or Rory since Friday. I'm not sure whether Lorelai is coming, perhaps she doesn't want to after last Friday. But I need to have her here. I'm living for those dinners – I always have but since Richard moved out, I need them even more. I know Rory will come – after all we have a deal, but Lorelai… I decide to call her just to make sure that she'll be there.

She's not answering her cell-phone (I wonder why she has one – she never answers it – or is it because of me?) and she's not at home, either. So I'm trying the Dragonfly. It's Michel. Usually I like him, and he's always nice when talking to me, but today he's not paying attention at all. Fighting with the horse veterinarian – the horses must be sick or something. It's annoying – just when I'm about to give him a piece of my mind the phone is dead. If he thinks he's getting rid of me by hanging up on me, then he doesn't know me at all. I'm calling again.

Bob answers this time – so she hasn't fired him. I'm asking what he's doing there and he answers that he's the gardener and something else I can't understand, cause he has such a heavy Spanish accent - it is awful. That plus Michel still yelling at the vet in French makes it impossible to understand him. Honestly I doubt that Lorelai is able to run the Inn, when she hasn't even the phone covered with one sane person. Suddenly there's another man's voice.

"Who are you?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Emily Gilmore – Lorelai's mother."

"Oh I'm Kirk – the son of my mother."

Oh my why am I still calling there?

"And what are you doing at my daughter's Inn?"

"I'm delivering something."

Whatever. I don't even want to know why the delivery-guy answers the phone.

"Well I would like to speak to my daughter."

"Oh – well she's not here."

"Could you be so kind to tell me where she is or when she'll be back?"

I better don't leave a message again – they're not telling her anyway.

"Oh yes I can – she's probably at her boyfriend Luke Dane's house – you know the Diner, she's addicted to coffee your daughter."

What? Her boyfriend? Did I hear him correctly? I have to double check.

"So do you think that if I would call her boyfriend at the diner I would have a chance to speak to her?"

"I think so. I bet she's there – she always is."

So I did understand him correctly. Once again she hasn't told me about an important event in her life. Why does this still surprise me – and why does it still hurt so much? I hear Michel yelling again – I had totally forgotten that Kirk still is on the phone.

"Thank you – I'll try that."

"You're welcome Mrs Gilmore."

Then I'm hanging up. A mixture of feelings is raising inside me: anger, disappointment, pain and sadness. Why can't she tell me anything?

So she has a new boyfriend – I don't know since when, but at least I know who. Luke Danes – the Diner guy. I knew it from the beginning that they had a thing for each other – but she was in denial. I wonder whether he's special or just one of her relationships that won't last anyway. Lorelai never had a decent relationship, but some voice in my head is telling me that this time it is something special.

I wonder what excuse she'll use this time. I remember what she told me when I found out about her engagement to the Chilton teacher. She came over to apologize, because we had a terrible fight. I'll never forget her words.

I don't know how to tell you things Mom.

Yes that's right, you've proven this again. Is it really so difficult? To tell me 'Mom I have a new boyfriend – do you want to meet him'?

Um, I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but we don't communicate very well. When something good happens to me, I'm just afraid you're gonna make me feel bad about it. And when something bad happens to me, I'm always afraid you'll say 'I told you so.'

So is this the reason? Are you afraid of my reaction? But I'm allowed to have one, am I ?

I'm not sure if that's always fair, and I'm sure I share part of the blame for this circle we get into, but you think your words don't have any effect on me, but they do.

No it's not fair Lorelai – and sometimes I highly doubt that my words do have any effect on you, cause you're doing what you want anyway.

And, I just didn't want to feel bad about this, so I waited. And I really didn't mean to hurt you.

Then why are you doing this again? Why are you constantly doing this to me?

Luke Danes – what am I thinking about this? Nothing much when he's just one of her affairs, but what if she gets serious with him? Will she even need me then? Not that she needs me now, but he would be another reason that would keep her in Stars Hollow – maybe she won't even come to Friday Night Dinner anymore. My worst fear. To lose her again – I don't know how I would survive this – especially with the separation from Richard – he was the reason why I didn't give up 20 years ago.

"Emily?"

I'm lying in bed – Lorelai left us – with Rory. I can't believe it. They mean everything to me and now they're gone. And I don't even know where they are. It's killing me. The first night it was raining so heavily, that I imagined the worst things. Little Rory getting pneumonia and Lorelai being too proud to come back to ask for our help. But doesn't she know that I would always help her? No matter what she'd do, I would always be there for her. But she's too stubborn.

"Emmy?"

Slowly I'm turning my head. Richard is standing next to my bed – a tray with food in his hands.

"Please eat something."

I turn around again. I'm not hungry.

„Emily you haven't eaten properly in two weeks – you have to eat something. I got you some of your favourite soup. Please try."

I'm not saying anything – he doesn't understand. It's two weeks and I still don't know where they are. The police was no help either – at least from what I heard Richard telling me.

"Emily if you're not eating now I'll call Joshua."

I can't eat – don't you understand? The last times when he was threatening to call Joshua I gave in and ate a little bit - I don't want anyone to see me like this - only Richard is allowed to be in our room - but not this time, I just can't eat anymore.

"Well I'll leave the tray here. Please eat."

He kisses me on the cheek and leaves the room. His steps are slow and heavy – he sounds like a broken man. We're both broken.

"Emily – this is Joshua – do you recognize me?"

I nod.

"If you're not eating immediately you'll kill yourself – is that what you want?"

I don't know – do I want to die? Just when I'm about to decide that being dead wouldn't be bad at all I catch Richard's look. Tears are in his eyes. He's scared – he's scared of losing me too. Why haven't I seen this before? I have to live – for him.

„I'll give her an infusion Richard – otherwise she'll not survive this much longer."

"I want to eat."

Both men are turning their heads in surprise. Richard is hurrying towards me.

"Emily."

"I want to have some soup."

"I'll get you some."

With that he turns around and leaves the room. Joshua is coming towards me.

"You have to eat regularly Emily – your current state is very critical – Richard should have called me earlier."

"I didn't want him too."

"He needs you Emily – you have to be strong for him."

I know. Richard returns with some soup. Slowly I'm eating a few spoon-full. Then I stop.

"Please Emily – eat a little more."

"I can't."

"Emily – "

"No Richard – she has eaten so less during the last days, she can't eat more right now. Her stomach isn't used to it anymore. Emily you have to eat a little every hour. Do you promise to do so?"

I'm looking at Richard. His eyes are pleading. I nod.

"Good – I'll come back to check on you tomorrow."

Richard is bringing him to the door. When he returns he's bending down to kiss me.

"Thank you Emmy."

I smile at him – at least I try to.

This night is the first night that I hear Richard crying since they left. Is it about Lorelai? Rory? Me? I don't know – perhaps about all of us.

Slowly I'm reaching out to pet him. He turns his face towards me.

"I love you Richard."

"I love you Emmy."

We look at each other – what would I do without him?

"I'm hungry – could you get me some soup?"

"Of course."

He stands up and a little later returns with some soup. He's feeding me, since I'm still very weak.

From that day on I fought. I fought to get out of bed – to be there for him. Lorelai may not need me (or think so) but Richard does. After a month I managed to be up for a few hours. Then finally Lorelai called – it was only a short call, and she still wouldn't tell me where she was, but it meant the world to me. She was fine – and Rory too – she didn't get pneumonia after all. I remember that I could barely speak during that first phone call, because I was crying silently the whole time. I wonder if she knows about this.

Without Richard I just know that I couldn't survive losing her again. I'm afraid to lose her to Stars Hollow completely when she's getting serious with Luke. I have to know about this. I have to meet him. Next Friday Night Dinner I'll corner her.

So another flashback – please tell me what you think of this chapter.