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Chapter 33: Stubborn

While having breakfast I'm thinking about how nice it was yesterday to look at him during dinner. Now I'm only staring at an empty place. I decide to go over to the pool-house. Richard did already miss work because of the dog – it's not necessary that that has to happen again. And well things are going fine lately. I'm opening the door of the pool-house and a few seconds after I've done it I realize that I didn't even knock. Another sign that I'm feeling more and more comfortable to go here. Seems like he's about to leave for work – good that I came.

"Hello." he greets me.

"Hello, Richard. How are you?"

"Very good. And you?"

"Excellent. I was going to check on the dog. I was thinking of putting up some fliers around the neighbourhood. Fliers are tacky, but they work. And I thought you could look up on your computer where the best place to print them is."

A real good reason to explain my presence – I'm even a little proud of myself.

"The dog is gone."

What?

"Gone? He's gone?"

"She's gone."

She?

"I thought you said it was a boy."

"Well, apparently I misread what I saw."

Uhuh.

"She was very hairy down there." I admit.

"Your calls paid off. Some one you called called someone else, and somehow found the owner and she came and picked the dog up, late last night."

I can't believe that she's gone.

"I didn't even hear anyone come by."

"Well, I would have called to let you know but I didn't see a light on and I didn't want to disturb you."

"It wouldn't have disturbed me." I state.

I couldn't even say goodbye.

"Well, I'll know that for next time. Not that we'll ever find a dog in the yard again."

No probably not. I don't think that I like that we're dogless again. Pull yourself together Emily – it was only a dog.

"Yes. Well. I hope you told them to get an I.D. tag for it. It's irresponsible not to have one."

"I told them how much they put us out. I missed a half day's work, and you were inconvenienced even more."

"Yes. Yes, I was."

Was I ? So what to say now?

"Her name was Princess, by the way." he says – trying to find something to say as much as I am.

"Was it?- Princess?"

That can't be true. We're only able to talk to each other when a dog is around? But apparently that's the way it is. We're just staring at another now. For a second it looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. It's getting embarrassing – I have to stop it.

"Well, I should get back to the house. I've got a million things to do." I say rather harshly – but I can't help it.

"Uhuh I have to go to work." he says while I'm already on my way out.

We have nothing to say to each other – well that's not true, we have a lot to say to each other, it's just we don't know how to start. I mean I wasn't imagining the last days, it was going better and I swear that he felt that way, too. The way he looked at me before I practically fled from the awkward atmosphere that once again came up… Why was that dog found so quickly? I sigh.

I should focus on the upcoming trip to New York – it will be good to keep my mind away from Richard for a while. But it's not working. While thinking of New York I can't but remember the first time I went there with Richard and all the events that led to it.

It was the first year of our marriage – we just moved into the house – and it was our first big fight – and the first time I had to apologize, which was very very difficult for me.

I can't wait for Richard to come home. Today I finished picking out the new furniture for our living-room. I even decided on buying an armchair similar to the one his mother has – not because I like it that much, but because I know that he will love it. I can't wait to see his face when he's seeing it. I'm hearing the door, he's coming.

"What on earth is this Emily?" he says kind of rude, holding me a bill under my nose.

"It's a bill."

"Yes, I know that." he answers annoyed.

"Then why are you asking?" I answer similar annoyed, what the hell is going on?

"Because it's way too expensive – how could you spend this much money without asking me first?" he says upset.

"But I did ask you – "

"You didn't."

He's close to yelling at me.

"Yes I did – I asked you to redecorate the living-room and you agreed. What did you think it would cost?"

"You didn't ask me that."

"I did and when you haven't heard it, it's even worse. It shows you're not listening to me." I say – now I'm becoming upset as well.

"How could you spend this much money?" he yells.

"Mmh – let me remember: 'Here Emily is your credit card – I don't want you to have to ask for anything'."

"And I said that you have to ask me for the more expensive things – wouldn't you call this expensive?"

And again he's holding the bill in front of me.

"Of course I would and I did ask you, so stop shouting at me, will you?"

He turns around. I don't understand this – that is not my Richard.

"What's wrong anyway?" I ask calmer.

"We don't have the money for this." he quietly says.

"Pardon me?"

"We don't have the money for this." he yells after turning around to face me again.

"Why?" I'm asking – a little scared.

He's not answering.

"Why Richard – why?"

"Because I made a stupid investment." he slowly admits.

For a moment we're not saying anything. Not enough money? What does that mean – and why isn't he talking to me about this?

"So… what do you expect me to do now – cancel everything?" I ask hesitantly.

"I'll take care of that – you've done enough damage. Are there more bills?"

"I've done enough damage, are you hearing yourself? Is it my fault you made that investment, is it my fault you refused to tell me, is it my fault you didn't listen to me?"

He's looking at me – my voice has reached a level close to shouting.

"I'm sorry Emily – I should have told you earlier, I just… I'm sorry."

You should be. I'm not looking at him.

"Please Emily – I apologize."

Again I'm not looking at him – who does he think he is, coming in here shouting at me. I can hear him sighing.

"Are there more bills?"

I'm going to my desk to hand him some.

"I'll take care of that."

Yes, because I'm incapable to do it. Who do you think I am?

"Emily – please don't be mad at me. I…it's all my fault… I'm very sorry."

He's leaning in trying to kiss me – oh no, we're not making up yet mister. He sighs.

"Emily I've said I'm sorry. If you can't accept that, I'll leave you alone. God knows I've other things to do now."

He's looking at me, his eyes are pleading for me to answer – to say something, anything – but I don't. I'm just standing there, looking at him coldly. How could he not tell me those things?

"Just don't spend any more money – only in emergencies." he whispers.

Slowly he's turning around to leave.

He really left. Maybe I shouldn't have been so cold. He sounded devastated, and he did apologize, I shouldn't have ignored that. But well he'll come back.

He isn't coming back. Not that evening – not the next day. Why was I so stubborn? Why didn't I say that I would forgive him? I mean he probably was embarrassed to admit his mistake and … damn. And I know that I had forgiven him the minute he turned around to leave, why couldn't I say it? I should at least have called after him, when I saw that he really left.

The afternoon of the second day I can't stand it anymore so I call his office – of course he's there. Just hearing his voice makes the tears coming into my eyes. Why doesn't he come home? Doesn't he know that I need him? That I love him. That I'm sorry.

"Come home, please."

That's all I can say, before quickly hanging up. I don't want to discuss anything with him – I want him to be here. And I don't want him to hear me crying.

This evening I'm wearing his favourite dress and I told the maid to cook his favourite meal. I won't mention his outburst again. I'll be supporting – like I should've been. Not that he's right in yelling at me and in hiding those thing from me, but well he apologized. I'm waiting for him to come.

He doesn't. Why? Wasn't it enough to call him? I'm between anger and despair. I'm waiting for another day – no Richard. That can't be happening – I must be dreaming and when I'll wake up he'll be here, like he should be.

Did I push him away that much? I want him to be home, I miss him – I love him. I decide to go to his office myself. His secretary (a much too beautiful young woman by the way) tells me to wait. Honestly, what is he thinking? Letting me wait here like I am nobody. I'm his wife. Does he have to humiliate me that much? Finally I'm allowed to go in.

"Why didn't you come?" I say – colder than I intended.

"Why should I?" he answers – similar coldly.

"Because I've asked you to." I say softer while sitting opposite to him.

"You demanded – you didn't even wait for my response."

Because I was crying you idiot – and I added please, do you call that demanding?

"So you're not coming?"

"Not when you haven't anything to say to me."

You really want to humiliate me, do you? But no, I did enough. I'm standing up ready to leave. But I know that he won't give in this time. I can see it in his eyes. When I'll go now, I'll have to come back later, I just know it. We're both so stubborn. I try to rescue my last bit of pride.

"Doesn't it count at all that I came here?" I ask him facing the door.

"Not when you're leaving like that."

He really isn't making this easy on me. I slowly turn around.

"Then I'm asking you to come home now." I say to him – and this time my eyes are pleading.

He's just looking at me.

"I miss you Richard. I love you."

His face softens, but he's remaining in his seat – still not saying a word. I know what he's waiting for – I've never done it before – I never had to. Saying I love you or kissing him always got me out of it – until now. But one day this had to happen. Why was I so unforgiving – so cold?

"Forgive me." It's barely a whisper.

For a tiny moment he's looking like he wants to say that he hasn't understood me. My eyes are pleading with him not to make me repeat this – not to rob the last bit of pride I have. And he gives in. Thank God. He's standing up to walk towards me.

„Does that mean that you've forgiven me?" he asks taking my hands in his.

"Days ago." I whisper, a little louder this time.

He's placing his hand under my chin to lift it up to him, before kissing me. It's so good to feel his lips on mine. Slowly we're breaking the kiss to look into each other's eyes.

"What happened Richard?"

"I'll tell you later, I have some things to take care of right now."

"Did you handle the bills – because you know I'm not incapable of cancelling them."

"I know – I just didn't want you to feel obligated to do this – it wasn't your fault anyway. It's all taken care of."

The phone is ringing – I'm motioning for him to answer it. He's going over to his desk.

"So you'll come home tonight?" I ask before he's picking it up.

"Yes."

And he is. This evening he tells me everything. He had invested in the Dubliners Paper Corporation though his mother had warned him (why is he discussing these things with her and not me?) and in the end that bitch was right. Instead of earning a fortune, he lost the money he invested.

"I know it was risky – but I never imagined it would end that bad – I shouldn't have done it, Emily. I have to take care of you and this house, I'm sorry. That won't happen again, trust me."

"I do."

And I'm sincere – looking into his eyes I see that he learned his lesson. We talked for a long time. I told him, that I want to know about these things – that he can talk to me about his business.

For a long time this worked out – he asked for my advice, he consulted me - for everything. When did he stop? I can't tell the exact point, but somewhere we lost each other. I sigh, my thoughts are returning to the talk we had nearly forty years ago.

After promising me this, he told me, that he had to ask his mother to help him out. She of all people, but well.

"I guess she'll be coming over more frequently the next time Emily – to make sure that everything is alright. And I will have to work very hard – I don't want to be indebted to her for long. I know I'm asking a lot of you, but when she comes, could you please try to get along with her? I know that she's a little rough on you sometimes, but truth is without her I would have trouble to keep the house and well – "

"Don't worry Richard. I won't get into a fight with her. I promise."

"Thank you Emmy."

He kissed me. Though a little rough and sometimes were the understatements of the century, I kept my promise. I swallowed everything, I never once raised my voice to her. It was difficult, but I kept my promise. I know how important this was to him.

He worked very hard the next weeks – during which I rarely saw him - so that he was able to pay her back within two months. I don't know who was happier that this was over – me or him. As soon as he had paid her back, he presented me a gift.

"Emily, I know the last weeks were difficult for you. And I'm very grateful for everything you did. So here's a little gift for you." he said handing me a letter.

I still have it in my nightstand.

My dearest Emily,

I know I was away much too often during the last weeks and that you couldn't do the things you'd planned, because of me. Again I'm sorry. But the day will come, where I'll buy you everything you want to have. For now this little gift shall show you how important you are to me. I know you love New York and the Broadway. We never had time to go there, so let's go there next weekend. I don't know what I would have done without you during the last weeks. I love you more than I can say, more than any gift can show you. Thank you for everything.

Your loving husband Richard

I looked up to him – tears in my eyes.

"Oh Richard." I said while hugging him.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it – but you know, you don't have to buy me expensive things." I said concerned about the one sentence he wrote.

Sure I love expensive things – but I love him more.

"I know, but I want to."

"They won't change my love for you, I hope you know that. And our living-room – it can wait a little."

"But you've already picked everything out."

"That's not important. Spending a weekend in New York with you – that's wonderful. But do we have the money – because it's not necessary. Just being together with you, no matter where, that's the best present you could've made me."

"Don't worry about it. We have the money, and I want to go to New York with you – we both deserve it."

"Thank you Richard."

"You don't have to thank me."

"Not even with a kiss?" I said grinning slightly.

"Well – "

I pulled him towards me and kissed him.

"Maybe I was wrong and you should thank me a little more." he said winking at me.

"Maybe." I said while going upstairs.

Yes we were stubborn from the beginning on. Back then I had to swallow my pride. But the situation was different. He did apologize first.

I know that if he would come over and apologize to me, I would forgive him. But he's not coming. We're just not talking to each other. I sigh. Why has it be so complicated?

Somehow I wish the last months hadn't happened. That he would still sleep beside me, still have dinner with me… I miss him. Not only the Richard I fell in love with, but even the more and more absent Richard. It's difficult to admit – even to myself, but it's the truth. I want him back. If I could only tell him.

Another flashback. I hope you enjoyed it as much as the previous ones. Please tell me your thoughts.