~GUILT and SHAME and SORRIES and REGRETS~

After that time of passion and pleasure, Jill found herself looking into the mirror, thinking of she had just done with Carlos. She was standing in front of the mirror, still in Carlos's apartment. 'Did I really do that?' she asked herself. She out the door and saw Carlos lying down on the bed, asleep already from their night of passion.

'Guys never have the vitality to keep it up.' She said to herself, trying to cheer up, as much as she tried she couldn't find it in her to cheer up. She looked away from Carlos, his naked body lying there plainly on the bed, his back was facing hers. Jill looked back into the mirror and saw someone else, she saw a stranger, a stranger who had just slept with the man who survived with her throughout the entire Raccoon destruction.

She was confusing herself. She was getting lost in confusion. She was literally torturing herself with madness.

'Stop it!' she told herself. 'Stop it! You shouldn't be doing this to yourself! You slept with him…that may be worse than just kissing him but still, it was your choice!'

'But Chris…'

'Chris? You don't know a Chris anymore. You lost yourself to Carlos and there's no turning back the clock!'

'Chris…Chris is mine as well,'

'Not ANYMORE! Stop doing this to yourself! You're driving me crazy!'

'…I already am…I'm talking to myself…'

"What am I doing here?" she asked herself. Looking once again into the face of reality, she was disgusted with herself. How could she have done this? What was running through her mind when she did?

'Pleasure,' she thought. 'Passion, love…hate, disgust, pity…'

She ran these thoughts through her mind over and over, just making herself hurt more. She turned back to face Carlos and said, under her breath so that he wouldn't hear, "I used you so I could push away my fucked up life. I used you so I could runaway from reality and enter a world of paradise. But reality caught up and bit me in the ass again. I'm sorry Carlos…" she then closed the door and locked it.

Jill was just in her underwear so she simply took them off and got into the shower. She was hoping to wash away the dirt that she felt was cluttered all over her body as well as inside. She was just a dirty person using men as keys to paradise.

She turned on the shower and started scrubbing away at her body, rinsing it thoroughly with the sponge and soap. Then the sudden thought came to mind, a shocking and horrible one.

'He wasn't wearing…what if I'm…how am I gonna tell everyone if I am?' she just wouldn't stop it. More and more horrid thoughts popped into her mind, scaring her to the furthest extent of fear. She couldn't bare it any longer; it was eating away at her already crippled heart.

After finishing with her shower she dried herself and got out and opened the curtain to a great surprise.

"Carlos!" she exclaimed, quickly covering herself up with the towel again. "What are you doing in here?! I thought I locked the door!"

"You did its one of those locks where you don't need a key to unlock it. Anyway, I need to use the toilet. Plus, why are you so jumpy? It's not like I haven't already seen you naked, Jilly," Carlos said with a little smirk on his face.

"Don't call me that," Jill snapped back.

"Why not? Is there something wrong?"

"No, it's just that..." Jill froze for a while and then quickly lied. "Because my dad used to call me that. It hurts to hear someone else call me that especially…especially…" Jill choked; it was something her father had taught her in her youthful days as a thief. "…Especially when he's dead!"

"Jill," Carlos said, walking up to her, just in his boxers. "Jill I'm sorry," and then he hugged her, his body still as warm as it was not too long ago.

She paused in Time's hand as his arms wrapped around him. She then suddenly felt the urge to punch the guy in the gut, but she didn't, instead she…

"Get off of me!" Jill exclaimed, having that dirty sensation again. "I—I'm sorry Carlos," she quickly made a grab for her underwear and ran into the room, closing the door behind her. She immediately slipped on her underwear, and made a grab for her clothes that were splayed across the floor.

Right when she got her skirt on Carlos came out of the bathroom and saw that she was now fully clothed and said, in surprise, "Jill? What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Carlos, I—I can't—I'm sorry," and then with those final words she rushed out of the room, over the heaps of trash and out the door.

It was just turning dark; it should be about five o'clock by now, or at least five-thirty. She went to her car and was about to open the door but it was locked! She ran her hand through her pocket and found that her keys weren't in there.

'Dammit! It must still be with Carlos! He had it last,' she had no other choice if she wanted to go home…and face Chris.

She walked back towards the Carlos's apartment building and walked back up to the second floor and reentered his apartment. She walked over the heaps of trash again and walked down the hall where she found him sitting at the edge of his bed in front of the Jill shrine. The thing still freaked her out a bit.

"Carlos," she whispered, but it wasn't loud enough to catch his attention. "Carlos," she rasped. She walked further down the hall, stealthily walking up against the wall like she used to do in her youth and as a S.T.A.R.S. member. She walked into his room, still as silent as a mouse. She walked around the bed and in front of him. He didn't notice her immediately because it was semi-dark.

She caught a glimpse of what he was looking at…

Once Carlos noticed that she was there he immediately flipped the frame over and looked up at her. "Yes, Jill? I thought you left? Or did you wanna come back for more?" he said innocently.

Jill glared at him, her blood boiling up with rage. She was like a tea pot boiling to its maximum point with anger surging through the opening. She raised her hand and…

SMACK!

"You…bastard!" she said angrily, ready for a second slap. "You narcissistic, egotistic, bastard!"

"Jill, please," Carlos begged, but she wouldn't let him finish.

"When I leave you just bring in that picture and hope to get off it?! You don't do that to a girl you care about, especially if you had sex with her minutes before! You know what Carlos; I regret having spent that time with you! You, you," this time she wasn't acting. She burst into tears and fell into his lap, weeping.

"Carlos, how could you?" She said, pouring out her tears, drenching his boxers.

"Jill…Jill," he said more softly. "I have to tell you something,"

Jill looked up at him again, her eyes red and puffy and teary, her lips trembling with the rest of her body. She was ready to explode into tears again.

"Jill, before—just before today, about a week ago—Elaine and I…"

"Stop it." She said more strongly. "Don't tell me anymore, I—I can't hold it all together. Just give me keys and I'll go and leave you with your fantasies of Elaine!" Jill got up and looked down at him, her sadness gone and replaced with sheer anger. "Just give me my fucking keys, Carlos!" she said more demanding.

Carlos reached over to his nightstand and got her keys, but before giving it to her he said, "Jill, listen, I—"

"Just give me my fucking keys, Carlos! I don't want to be here any longer!" Jill demanded, sticking out her hand. Carlos placed the keys in her hands; Jill grasped them tightly, as well as Carlos' hands in hers. "I thought you weren't like all guys, Carlos, but you are! You're just another dog! You lousy mutt!" and then she took her hand and let go of his hand and dashed out of the room.

She unlocked her car and immediately got in and started the car.

"Jill, wait!" she heard Carlos cry form his window. She looked out her car window through the passenger side.

She did nothing but stared at him, but then after a long and cold stare she said, "Stay away from me Carlos! I don't want to see you again!" and then she drove off into the night, back to where another person she had to confront was waiting for her.

Carlos felt stupid. He didn't feel like a man anymore, but a little boy lost in a world of love. Carlos was afraid now. He still knew that Chris was out there somewhere, waiting for Jill to return to him. He didn't want that. He wanted her to be his forever, as partners, best of friends, and soon-to-be husband and wife.

"But I had to mess up, didn't I?" he said to himself. "I probably lost her forever now,"

Jill finally made it back to her apartment building, soon finding the courage to walk up to her apartment building. The lights in the living room were on. She opened the door, finding everyone sitting in front of the TV set watching a movie of some sort.

It had seemed that no one had noticed that she had opened the door so she stuck in quietly. And then…

"Hey Jill! You're finally back, what took you so long?" Rebecca turned her head and saw Jill walking toward the hall. Jill stopped and quickly said, "I did some window shopping too. Well, I'm tired, I gotta get some sleep." And she walked down the hall and into her room where she fell onto her soft virgin bed.

She soon found herself sleeping soundly, hugging on to her pillow as she did so. Dreaming of a happy life with the one, right man she would love and cherish forever until death may they part, the one man who would love her unconditionally no matter what the circumstances. She was still hurt from Carlos, but she still cared for him…she also still had feelings for Chris, the youthful marksman.

But she could only have her perfect man whilst she dreams, the one and only place where her heart cannot be broken, not even a crack or chip. It was her true paradise, her dreams, her sanctuary, her everything.

But then even her dream would be invaded by Shame and Guilt. Both attacking her once and only peaceful paradise of a dream and haunting her of her actions. Torturing her from within and soon breaking out, unleashing its full strength upon the ones she truly loves and cares for. She felt that the longer she kept it in the stronger it would get, it was all too true.

She didn't know how she would relieve herself of such a burden. She wanted it to go away bad but not in the form it wanted to come out. She was being raped of her sanctuary. It was no longer a safe and peaceful place again like it used to be; but now a horrible and haunting place to even step into. It was becoming reality, and reality always seemed to get a good grip on her, but she always managed to slip through its grasp and into the hands of happiness again…but just for a moment and no more.

Tomorrow is another day to try and slip past reality, but can she manage to skip it again like she's always been trying to do? Will it let her go? Well whatever it would do to her, she wasn't looking forward her comeuppance.

Next Chapter: VALENTINE'S DAY WITH REDFIELD