AN: ...I actually didn't want this chap to be "sad" or something like this...but my little brotheris in hospital since yesterday and they still don't know what's wrong with him, so I somehow was a little...I wouldn't say depressed...just not in the hyper fun mood. I promise the next chapter will be funny:)

Greets to Alex, Meggie and Pip: ) Thanks to you I am feeling so much better! I really don't want to know how depressed I'd be without you!

Summary: Sara is "moving in" ...when Grissom mentions that they have to buy a Christmas tree Sara reveals something about her past...

chapter 3

Sara wiped the sweat from her forehead. "Grissom this is going to…Grissom? Where to hell are you?", she glanced around the living room. No trace of him. "Argh!"

She carefully stepped down from the back of the sofa, feeling much better when her feet were back on the ground. "Grissom?" It drove her crazy that he didn't seem to see any importance in answering her. "Grissom!"

"What?", he asked innocent, his voice coming out of the bedroom.

"I need your help with this."

"I actually see no reason why you're putting all this stuff in here. I mean, this is only going to take 3 or 4 days and you brought your whole apartment with you.", he said slowly walking over to her.

"You want your mother to believe you that you're living here with me, don't you?"

Grissom rolled with his eyes. "She doesn't know your stuff."

"But she knows all this stuff that every woman owns! Like…candles, pictures of human beings and not only butterflies and bugs and…whatever, insects. And…"

"Sara, calm down.", he said laughing softly.

"This is not funny!"

"I should be the one who's totally overreacting and nervous, not you. Why are you taking this so serious."

Her mouth dropped open. "I am not overreacting! You asked me to do this for you…you said it would break your mother's heart if she would find out that you lied to her. And now you criticise me, because I am trying to give one hundred percent and…"

Grissom swallowed hard. "You…got a point there."

Now Sara rolled with her eyes, she sat down on the sofa, leaned back and closed her eyes. How can a man be so…I can't even find a word for it…

Grissom sat down next to her a couple of moments later. "I'm sorry.", he whispered.

A smile flashed over her lips. "Okay.", she said softly.

They remained in silence for a while, until Grissom began to speak again. "I'll pick Mom up at the hotel in two hours…we should maybe talk about some things before."

Sara opened her eyes again and turned to him. "Things?"

"Do you know my favorite meal?"

"You always pretend that it's a medium salad with strips of turkey breast, but in fact it's fillet steak gratinated with shrimps, carrots glazed with butter sauce and fried potatoes…"

"Howcan you know that?"

Sara shrugged. "I just know it…after all you're just a man…and once , when you wanted to order it, Cath said something about high cholesterol and then you ordered the salad, telling everyone how much you would love these salads. It was quite obvious to everyone that you were only pretending…"

"…what do you mean with 'after all you're just a man' ?"

Sara chuckled. "Let's not go down that route."

Grissom swallowed the words he wanted to say now, for a while he just sat there, looking at Sara.

She could feel his eyes on her, usually this made her nervous, usually she felt observed, felt more than uncomfortable because she always tried to be perfect in his eyes…and she knew that she wasn't…and always she feared that he would find out.

This time it was otherwise. Now she knew something about him. She knew that he, Gil Grissom, the man that had been on a pedestal for her for so long, was not perfect at all…though she still couldn't decide if lying to his mother about this whole relationship thing made him a better or a worse person. He lied to her because he loved her, because it made her happy…but on the other hand it was still a lie.

Sara wouldn't lie to her mother. But she didn't love her mother either.

"Damn.", Grissom suddenly whispered, leaving his seat, walking over to the kitchen counter where he had left his jacket.

"What's wrong?"

"We need a Christmas tree."

Sara raised an eyebrow.

"It's Christmas…we're celebrating Christmas together, like a family, we need a Christmas tree…"

"You didn't know your mother would show up, you can tell her that…"

"No I mean, you and me. Officially. I mean, she thinks we're a couple, living happily together. She expects happy couples to have a Christmas tree."

"I don't think that a happy relationship can be defined by the fact that couple has a Christmas tree on Christmas or not."

"For her, it can." He glanced around the room. "Have you seen my keys?"

She shook her head.

"You don't have any trimmings at home, do you?"

"Nope.", she said softly. She didn't know why this thing with the Christmas tree made her feel this weird, she couldn't help it. She couldn't stop this feeling that rose up in her…this feeling of sadness.

Grissom noticed that something wasn't right. He slowly walked over to her and sat down on the sofa once again. "Sara?…what's wrong?"

"Nothing.", she almost whispered.

"Did I do something wrong? I…I didn't mean the things I said, they were supposed to be funny. I can't express in words how thankful I am that you're doing this for me…and I know that we need this 'woman stuff' in here to make my mother believe that we're living in here together…"

"You didn't do anything wrong Grissom.", she said, staring down at her hands.

"What's wrong then?", he asked concerned.

"I didn't celebrate Christmas since I was five years old.", she said with such a sad tone in her voice that Grissom thought his heart would break right then. He felt as if there was nothing he could say. He couldn't tell her that Christmas was nothing special, he couldn't tell her that you didn't have to celebrate Christmas to be a happy family, he couldn't just tell her that it didn't matter. Because it did matter. It mattered to every little girl, every little boy…and someone had ignored that it mattered to her.

"When I was five my father started drinking…he spent most of the time in the pub, when he got home he fought with my mother, preferring to use his fists instead of words. My mother started drinking half a year later. My brother and I were too young to realize what was really going on. In the first year we just had no Christmas tree, Mom gave us some gifts, not much, I think it were sweets or something like this, I can't remember. The year after Dad hit my brother when he asked him after gifts, Dad said that we'd not celebrate this day anymore, it would be a waste of time and money…I remember my mother shouting at him, telling him that his alcohol addiction would be the bigger waste of time and moneythanChristmas. I didn't know what it meant, I only saw my mother running around with two black eyes and a broken nose for weeks afterwards. I never dared to ask neither her nor anyone else about the meaning of those words. I just accepted that after the holidays I was the only-one who had no new shoes, no new clothes, no new teddy bears or dolls…I accepted that…I accepted too much when I was a child, but back then I didn't know what it meant. I realized it when I was older, when I wasn't living with my family, if you can call it one, anymore…then I was in foster care…but that wasn't any better…most people were doing it for the money …and they weren't buying us any presents, they usually called a babysitter when they went out to celebrate Christmas with their relatives and left us alone at home. At least they didn't hit us, they didn't fight…and in college, I was always the only one who stayed there for the winter holidays, I was the only one who locked herself in the dorm with a couple of science books…", Sara had been staring on her hands all the time, now she turned her face to Grissom. She stopped talking for a moment, the feeling that rose up in her when she saw the heartbroken expression in his eyes overwhelmed her. "Hey…it's okay. I learned to deal with it. I learned to live with it. I always pretended that Christmas was just a usual day, just like every other day of the year. I…"

"It's not okay Sara.", Grissom said softly, sounding shocked.

Sara faked a smile, reaching up for his cheek. She softly caressed it with her thumb. "I'm okay."

"It's not fair that you had to go through such a hell.", he said, his hand reaching up to hers. He took her hand into his and squeezed it softly. "It's so unfair Sara."

"It was. But… I can't change the past.", she said and sighed. It hurt to see him like this. She didn't want him to feel pity for her, she didn't want him to be this shocked about her past…

"I admire your strength.", he said softly.

A soft smile flashed over her lips. "Let's go and buy a tree…and trimmings." She didn't know why she was changing the subject …on the one hand it felt better now when he knew about it, on the other hand her heart hurt, she had pushed all these thoughts away, had locked them out of her mind…now they were all coming back…

She knew she couldn't go on and pretend that all this had never happened, because now someone knew about it. Grissom knew about it. But somehow she could feel that he wouldn't let her go through this alone, somehow she felt that he would take care of her…maybe it had been the expression in his eyes, maybe it had been the way he had been holding her hand, the way he had been looking at her…she didn't know, maybe she would never find out what it was, so she decided to not try to do so, she would accept it. And if she'd be wrong then she'd accept it too.

For now all that count for her was that he held her hand while they left the house, while they searched for a tree, while they bought the trimmings, while they talked about all the things she needed to know about him before his mother would come to his house and they had to pretend to be happily engaged...he held her hand and this helped her to be strong.

TBC

hell I hope that this chap didn't suck as much as I think it does. I promise the next chap will finally bring Mrs.Grissom back into the story...and it will be funny! I promise!