Chapter 9
SEE PROLOGUE FOR DISCLAIMERS, ETC.
AJ Roberts wasn't a happy boy. He hated his little brother Jimmy because Jimmy had ruined three of his best comics. He hated his twin brother and sister because they took all of Mommy's time and he couldn't tell them apart most of the time anyway unless Mommy dressed Nicolette in pink. He hated that Daddy had a fake leg because Daddy wouldn't play basketball or baseball with him very often. He hated that Auntie Mac and Uncle Harm were leaving because they were the only adults who treated him like a real person instead of a little kid.
Most of all, he hated being a little kid because he could never stay mad for long before someone made him laugh, and today he just wanted to stay mad.
He was playing by himself with his imaginary friend Lou in the front yard when Auntie Mac and Uncle Harm pulled up in Uncle Harm's very cool Lexus SUV. That was another thing he hated – the family minivan. Everybody had green minivans. He wanted a silver Lexus like Uncle Harm. Maybe Uncle Harm wouldn't need his Lexus in London and he would give it to Daddy.
Uncle Harm got out of the Lexus and walked around to Auntie Mac's door. He opened it, then he leaned in. Auntie Mac's arms came out of the car and wrapped around Uncle Harm's back.
AJ hated watching adults kiss. It was gross. The only thing worse than watching Uncle Harm and Auntie Mac kiss was watching Mommy and Daddy kiss. Especially because kissing made yucky babies. Or sometimes kissing was part of making babies. Mommy and Daddy hadn't been clear about that when he asked before the icky twins were born.
Wait a minute! Lou screamed at AJ in his head. Uncle Harm and Auntie Mac are kissing?
That was new.
That was big.
That was absolutely awful.
AJ knew he couldn't marry Mommy, even though he didn't understand why. But he really, really, really wanted to marry Auntie Mac.
If Uncle Harm married Auntie Mac, AJ didn't think Uncle Harm would share nicely.
This was turning out to be as bad a day as the one in his favorite book, Alexander's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.
Or maybe even worse, because whoever was getting out of Uncle Harm's car was most definitely not Auntie Mac.
For one thing, Auntie Mac's legs were always smooth and had a nice shape to them. This person's legs were hairy like Daddy's good leg and shaped more like Uncle Mikey's legs than Auntie Mac's legs.
For another thing, Auntie Mac only came to right under Uncle Harm's chin. This person, who was clearly a man, came to just under his nose.
And Auntie Mac's eyes were brown. Not just any brown, but the same brown as the raw umber crayon in his box of 64. He knew because he had tried every brown in the box until he got it just right, according to Lou. This man's eyes were green.
He was wearing Auntie Mac's clothes, though. The t-shirt was one AJ and Jimmy had made with their very own iron-on hand prints for her birthday, though Mommy wouldn't let AJ put Lou's hands on it. It didn't look as nice on the man as it did on Auntie Mac. And the man certainly didn't look as good in those jean shorts as Auntie Mac did.
"Hey, AJ! How 'ya doin'?" Uncle Harm shouted at him.
"Um, okay, Uncle Harm." But it looked very weird for Uncle Harm to have his arm wrapped around a man dressed in Auntie Mac's clothes. Lou agreed.
Uncle Harm and the man who wasn't Auntie Mac stopped long enough to hug and kiss him, then walked up the lawn toward the front porch. AJ turned to watch.
Whoever was in Auntie Mac's clothes didn't look as good from the back as Auntie Mac, either, Lou told him.
A man dressed in ugly, bright clothes appeared in front of Uncle Harm, but Uncle Harm walked right through the man.
"Hey, watch where you're going there, Captain!" the new man shouted. He turned around.
AJ watched the man blow a smoke ring while he punched buttons on the calculator in his hand. "Hey, mister, you better get off our lawn before my daddy sees you."
The man looked up and jumped backward through a bush. "Maybe dropping by for lunch wasn't such a good idea after all."
"I told you so." That was Auntie Mac's voice, AJ was positive.
"Auntie Mac! Where are you?" he shouted. Lou shouted, too.
The man wearing Auntie Mac's clothes came running out of the house just as Auntie Mac's voice said, "It's a long story, AJ, and one you wouldn't believe anyway."
"I'm right here, AJ. What's wrong?" The man knelt down to face him.
"You're not Auntie Mac. Who is he and why can I hear Auntie Mac when I can't see her?" AJ pointed to the man in the ugly, bright clothes. Lou made a face at the man.
AJ heard both the man dressed in Auntie Mac's clothes and Auntie Mac sigh. Then they both said, "Oh, boy."