Weakness of the Past
He sat Draco down on his feet and turned on the water, "Change it until it's perfect for you."
Draco caulked his head slightly to one side, "What if it's too hot for you?"
Harry smiled, "That doesn't matter to me. I want you to be happy above all things."
Draco frowned slightly and was about to say something when Harry placed a finger over his lips.
"What makes you happy makes me happy. Your happiness is mine. Remember that but above all I want you to be yourself, if you can."
Draco nodded, blushing lightly. He wasn't sure how to act around Harry. Affection wasn't something he knew how to react to or how to show to someone. He didn't know how to be happy or how to be himself. But he would try, he would learn.
He turned to the shower and turned the knobs slightly, letting the water pour of his hand. Finally he got it just right and turned. Harry was watching him; his eyes seemed sad and almost lost but when he noticed Draco looking at him he smiled again and the warmth came back in his eyes.
Harry stepped around him and into the shower, not even flinching when the hot water hit his skin. He took Draco's hand and pulled him gently in. Draco sighed lightly when the water hit him. Hot water, it was as close to a loved one's warm embrace as he had ever thought he would get. The real thing was so much better.
Harry's hands ran over his shoulder and arms, on his chest. He cupped one hand around his neck and with the other traced along his cheek. Draco was so overwhelmed by emotions that he couldn't even begin to understand and Harry looked at him with such tenderness and affection.
"You're so beautiful." Harry whispered.
Draco felt his eyes begin to ache and he just smiled and blushed; not knowing what else to do.
Harry washed his hair and then lathered Draco's. His fingers were gentle; they lulled Draco, just as he had been when Harry dried his hair. It reminded him of something he couldn't quite remember. It was a memory, so close he could almost feel it. Scent's drifted off the memory and a feeling of happiness but for just then it evaded him.
Hot water fell over his face and he could taste soap on the edges of his mouth. Once the soap was gone he opened his eyes and looked up at Harry. Draco leaned against him, gently touching him. He was so strong. Could he be strong enough to protect him? More importantly, could Harry protect his heart now that he had finally found it. He was so scared of being hurt; he had been that way his entire life. He was so scared but he wanted to trust Harry, he wanted to more than anything.
The water was suddenly gone and he shivered. Harry took him by the hand and led him from the shower. He wrapped a towel around him as he had before and carried him back out. He sat him on the bed and dried his hair while he himself stood naked, wet and shivering in the cold air.
"You'll get sick." Draco protested, pushing the towel from his head to Harry's chest.
Harry smiled and took the towel, briskly drying himself off and sat beside Draco on the bed.
"May I ask you something, Draco?"
"Sure." Draco nodded, suddenly feeling nervous.
"What are these?" He asked softly, running his hand across Draco's back, across the long thin scars that were scattered across the pale flesh.
Draco flinched and pulled the towel up over his back He looked embarrassed and scared, he had forgotten about the scars. It would be more accurate to say that his forced himself to forget. It had taken a long time to achieve the state of ignorance he had had. He didn't want to remember, not now, not ever.
He looked away from Harry and covered his face with his hands.
He heard a voice far away calling him and it took a while for him to recognize the voice. He suddenly realized that he wasn't seeing and opened his eyes. Harry was in front of him, holding his wrists looking at him in concern.
"Draco?" He whispered.
Draco swallowed, he felt light headed and his throat and chest hurt, "What happened?"
Harry let a slow breath, "You were hyperventilating and shaking. You wouldn't open your eyes. Oh god," He engulfed Draco in his arms, "you scared me. I'm so glad you're ok," he pulled back and ran his hands over Draco's cheeks.
Draco just looked at him in shock.
Harry bit his lip, hesitating to speak.
"What is it?" Draco asked.
Harry shook his head and stood up, "We should get dressed."
Draco stood and found his clothes; they had been cleaned and neatly folded, probably by the house elves. He couldn't help feeling that as Harry still wanted to ask his something or say something. He was probably afraid of causing the same reaction but the silence had a hungry, anxious feeling to it.
He ran his fingers over the green and silver striped tie and carefully put it on. He didn't feel as though he should be wearing it anymore but he didn't know what else to put on. The tie was part of the uniform and he'd get in trouble if he didn't but he wasn't a Slytherin anymore, nor was he a Gryfindor. He wasn't sure he belonged to any group anymore.
He sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, running his hands over the bedspread. He watched Harry through his hair watching him as he buttoned his shirt with sure strong hands.
"It was my father." He murmured.
He watched as Harry stopped mid button, he looked up at Draco with the saddest eyes Draco had ever seen.
"Your own father?" He asked softly.
He walked over to the bed and sat down by Draco. He took his hand and squeezed it once gently; "I don't want you to think about it if it's going to hurt you."
"I don't remember the details. I just remember that I was in the dungeon torture chamber and that there was a whip. A whip my father was holding…I can't remember what I did to make him so mad. I think I could if I tried-"
"Don't." Harry's grip tightened on his hand, "not yet. It will come in time. Don't force it."
Draco nodded and took a deep breath.
Harry gently cupped Draco's hand in his own, "I wish I could kill him for you."
Draco looked up at him in shock. He said it so seriously, so darkly. It was that other facet to Harry's personality, the dark and silent, so incredibly silent. It scared Draco, it scared him because it reminded him of his father.
"Don't say that, don't ever say that. Humans shouldn't kill each other, it doesn't matter how much you hate or what the person's done. There are other ways, there are always other ways." He was shaking again and he couldn't stop, his eyes were aching again.
"I'm sorry," Harry said suddenly, he softened again and became the Harry Draco loved, or at least he thought he loved. He wasn't quite sure what love was.
A bell chimed, it's tone softened through the walls.
"Oh, class is starting!" Draco jumped to his feet, "Come on!" he grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him to his feet.
Harry just looked at him with mild amusement and allowed himself to be manhandled. Draco pulled him to the door, picking up his bag without a second thought to how it got there and handing Harry his.
Draco let go of his hand, "We have completely different schedules for today so I'll see you at lunch, ok?"
He was about to leave when Harry pulled him back hugging him tightly.
"Harry! I'm going to be late!" Draco complained.
Harry rolled his eyes, "Shut up and kiss me, then I'll let you go."
Draco frowned but nodded. Harry took his chin and tilted it up, gently kissing him.
Harry hugged him once more, whispering in his ear, "I love you, Draco."
Then he let him go.
Draco blushed bright red, his voice was strangled and hesitant, "Do you mean it?"
Harry just smiled, "You're going to be late for class."
Draco paused just a moment longer then bolted, sprinting down the hallway to him next class. From there the day passed quickly. Draco tried to pay attention but he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened and what Harry had said to him. Twice a teacher called upon him for an answer to a question and twice he told them that he had no idea what the answer was. He couldn't wait for lunch.
When the bell finally rang he ran all the way to the dining hall and when he got there Harry was waiting for him. They sat at the very far end of the lunch table so that they could be together and left alone. They didn't talk much at first, they were both ravenous having missed lunch. Harry was the first to speak once they had eaten their fill.
"Draco may I ask you something about your parents?" He tried to sound casual but his tone suggested that had been thinking about the question a lot.
Draco shrugged, "You can ask me anything you like, that doesn't mean I'm going to answer it."
Harry laughed, "Well I guess I don't have to worry about you softening to much."
"You don't like me all warm and fluffy?" Draco teased.
Harry laughed again, "It's not that, I like you however you are but I like it when you bite back a little too. That quick wit of yours is one of the reasons I fancied you in the first place."
Draco smirked but it was a bit more like a grin than his old evil smirks. It just didn't have the same sting in it.
"So what do you want to know about my parents?"
Harry took his hand, tracing his fingers absently, "Did…did they love you? I can't remember my parents but at least I knew that they loved me. It's one of the things that kept me going. I know I have no right to ask…" he chewed his bottom lip guiltily.
"My father didn't but I don't think he's capable of the emotion," he sighed, "but mother, mother loved me. She was the only one who did when I was young. She had to be careful that my father didn't see, he didn't approve of such things like emotions. He told me once that 'Emotions are weakness and love is the greatest of weaknesses, never allow yourself to be weak'" He laughed, "If he could see me now he would be so angry. He'd probably leave even worse scars…no," his voice suddenly got soft, "no, he'd put me under the Imperus like he did mother. I can't even remember what my mother looked like when she smiled. She had the most beautiful smile…"
Speaking about it out loud, he had never told anyone what his father had done to his mother. It made his chest ache because now that he had said it it made the pain even more real.
"I'm so sorry, Draco. There's got to be a way to get her back, she's just under the Imperus so if your father is caught then-"
Draco cut him off, "Then he would kill her and even if she escaped, most people that have been under the Imperus for as long as she has either come out of it insane, or they kill themselves."
Harry frowned, "But, Draco, if there's even a chance…"
"No." Draco said shortly, "no, please, don't raise my hopes."
The bell chimed softly over head and Draco pulled away, "I'll see you at dinner." And left.
Draco forced himself to focus in his classes. He didn't want to think. Harry made him think so much. Before he had met him he had been able to shut off his thoughts to simply run on autopilot and not worry about the world around him because in the end it didn't matter. He was his father's puppet one way or another. It wasn't bad that he thought so much now, not really, he just wasn't used to it. But he didn't want to think about his mother, his didn't want to think there was a chance only to have his hopes dashed once again.
This time, when the bell rang for dinner he didn't run. Harry was still there, though, still waiting for him. Seeing him Harry smiled that gentle open smile. Just seeing Harry made Draco smiled in return. Everything was going to be all right. It had to be.
"Hey. How were your classes?" Harry asked once Draco was closer.
"They were ok, a little boring but that's to be expected I suppose." Draco replied.
"Should we sit in the same spot?"
Draco nodded. God he loved him. No one else could ever compare with how Harry made him feel. He just hoped that he could get up the nerve to tell him, someday.
"Harry, my boy!" Dumbledore called out from behind them.
Harry turned, Draco followed suit.
"Yes?" Harry asked.
Dumbledore smiled that irksome little smile, "I was wondering if I might speak with you before dinner. Alone." He said the last part very pointedly at Draco.
Draco frowned.
Harry turned to him and shrugged as if to say 'what can I do?', "I'll meet you at the table, ok?" He was about to leave when he suddenly turned back and ran his hand along Draco's cheek and smiled at him. Draco blushed and resisted the desire to grab his hand and pull him back.
Draco nodded and watched as Dumbledore lead Harry off around the corner. He knew that he should go but part of him worried that Dumbledore was out to break them up, to take Harry away from him. He knew he should expect this, he done nothing to make them think he could be anything but the poster boy for the 'join the deatheaters' campaign.
He slipped around the corner and down the hall. He stopped short at the next corner and listened.
"It's glad to here you're well. I didn't get a chance to talk to you when you arrived."
He could hear Dumbledore's robe as it rustled across the floor, could hear the cloth whispering as he shifted or gestured. He could eve hear him breathe. He couldn't hear Harry. He could only feel the silence that surrounded Harry, that dark, unnatural silence that made his skin crawl.
"It was probably better that way." Harry replied, his voice was so dead and emotionless.
Draco shivered.
"Have you learned anything about him? About them?"
Draco froze. What was he saying? What did he mean?
"I've found something that could put Lucius right into our hands."
Draco didn't understand.
"What about, Draco?"
How could his voice be so calm and mellow?
There was a long pause.
"No. Nothing about him."
"He's well protected. I'm surprised you learned anything but if we can lock Lucius away it would give us an advantage. Especially if he'll sell out some of the others. I must say your method was quite unorthodox. I thought we agreed that you were going to try becoming his friend?"
Draco couldn't breathe; it felt like there was something caught in his chest.
"I did what I had to do to get the job done."
His eyes ached and them burned and when he blinked drops, hot and wet rolled down his cheeks. He tasted salt in them. Tears. He hadn't cried since mother went away, that was the last time. He had…forgotten the feeling. His chest was so tight, his heart hurt. He couldn't stop crying. He couldn't hear them anymore. He knew they were talking but just didn't want to hear them anymore. He pressed his hand tighter over his ears. Tears dripped off his chin.
He was such a fool! He was such a god damn fool! How could he ever think that someone could love him? He wanted to die right there. It just hurt too much. A sob broke free from him breaking through the silence.
They suddenly appeared around the corner. Harry looked at him, those cold eyes, that lying mouth. He touched him with those hands.
Draco ran. He ran until he couldn't run anymore. He slipped into the library and went as far back as he could, collapsed into a corner and cried himself to sleep.