Hi, It's me again! I would go on about how sorry I am about the wait, but
I'm sure you're all sick of that, so I'm gonna skip it. Besides, this
chapter is over 12,000 words, so it should be enough to make up for it.
Huge thanks and hugs to Karen, as always, for keeping me on the straight and narrow and making this legible. Also thanks to all you kind reviewers, I'm glad you're all still interested.
Enough of my twittering, on with the story.
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Where the River Flows, Chapter X
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24th July:- I love you.
Goodbye.
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"But wat if I don't make it? What if I flunk?" I glare up at Ash as he looks down at where I'm sat on the ground.
"You won't, I trust you. You need to trust yourself." I bat away his helping hand and pick myself up shakily, bringing my revision book with me.
"Every minute counts, I can't just waste time. I've wasted enough as it is." I re-open the book and begin scanning the page.
"But you can't trek through a forest with a book in your face. That's twice you've tripped over tree roots." I don't bother listening, just going through a few more Magikarp bits and pieces. "Besides, what's so wrong if you don't make it? Sheez, I achieved my goal at the third attempt! So long as you don't give up you never lose."
("He's right Misty.") Pikachu pipes up from behind me, far too cheerily. ("We've been beaten too many times to count. But keep on coming back. No reason for you not to do the same if you don't get there this time.") I don't really want to hear this. But the words are getting blurry, and stumbling yet again, I give in to the inevitable, and slide the book into a side-pocket of my backpack.
"My family history has never accepted failure, no matter what." No-one seems to hear that, so I go back to musing the morning. Damn him, damn Ash. Why didn't he just force the food down my throat by hand and have done with it? I was doing so well too. It'd been twenty-four hours plus since I'd last ate, I was going to get to lunch at least. And then being such a bastard about us leaving straight away. Trying to not give me time to get rid of my stomach's unwanted occupant. If I didn't know better, I'd think he did. But I'm sure he suspects. Thankfully he doesn't know I didn't swallow the food, just stored it like a hamster in the cheek he couldn't see and spat it out when I went out of the camp.
"You all okay?" The man in question turns around and looks first to me, then past me to the others languishing behind. I take it as a mark of victory that, despite my meagre diet, I manage to leave them in my wake. Through hunger and exhaustion still keeping pace, a real example of victory. Mind you, he really is pushing ahead today, and I'm starting to lag myself.
("Just.") Pikachu huffs, trailing a few yards back with her sauce bottle dragging from one arm.
"If I said I wasn't, would it make any difference?" Hazel whines pathetically from much further away, Chikorita breathing heavily as well.
"Not much." Ash replies cheerily, returning to his walking. I could kill him. Breezes into the group this morning, acting like nothing has happened. Like it was only a little spat. Like a night of fitful sleep is enough to heal the wounds.
Like everything was perfectly normal.
Is it hell. My world shook with the force of that explosion. Leaving rubble and ashes. The fact I pushed the button is irrelevant. I doesn't matter who lit the fuse in the first place when the bomb goes off. I settle back into my walking daze, gaze fixed on Ash's backside. It makes sure I don't get lost, and it's also worth watching.
("Misty, put your tongue back in.") Pikachu snorts, having caught me up.
"It's not out. Why don't you go back to trying to outwit your sausage?" She gives me a look which could kill, and drops back again.
"Good stuff guys, we're getting there. Another half-hour and we'll stop for lunch." Ash says loudly, brushing a few twigs aside. He lets go of them as I reach the branch in question, and they spring back to smack me in the face. Bastard!
"Thank you Ash, I needed that." He cranes around to see me, the obvious question on his face. I just shake my head and say "it's nothing" and go back to hiking in silence. We are getting close to Cerulean, I've felt the breeze that comes off the sea on my face since we started travelling this morning. Yet at the moment, it feels so far away. I almost wish I would never reach my hometown. It's the toss of a coin, what will happen. Pass or fail, it's impossible for me to say. I haven't done enough revision lately, not since Hazel barged into my life. Either too tired, to ill or too distracted. Or just plain busy. Or maybe there was some other reason I don't want to accept.
("Yes!") Pikachu chirrups in success and I look back to her. She's poked the offending meat roll occluding the bottleneck right through into the body of the bottle, freeing the way for sauce to flow. She upends the bottle, grinning in anticipation. The smile turns rapidly into a scowl again as the sausage slides down ahead of the sauce and lodges neatly in the bottle neck once again.
"Pride comes before a fall....." I call to her, taking pleasure from the further darkening of her expression in response. Returning to the matter of walking, I notice Ash has pushed ahead and up the pace to catch him. I don't know if it's my mind wandering or the heat, but everything seems sort of vague at the moment. Like looking through someone else's glasses at the world, objects are there but not clearly defined. Fatigue rests heavy on my shoulders and I rub my face briskly to shake it off.
"Here comes the sun, doo do do dooo, here comes the sun and I say, it's alright....." My raven-haired love starts singing idly, and only half in tune as he follows the path, making hefting a heavy bag look easy. Mine is starting to drag me back, I'm having real trouble keeping up. My stomach gurgles in complaint at my ignorance of it's needs for a moment before lapsing back into silence. To quell the growing boredom and take my mind off hunger, I start quizzing myself on common injuries to Marril. I get to dislocated tail joint before a bout of dizziness causes me to stop for a second. It goes as quickly as it arrived, but I reach around to grab my water bottle nonetheless. I twist the top off the blue container, spit out the cloying mucus stuck in my mouth and take a long draw. Receiving only a mouthful of air. Nuts. I spin the cap back on but decide to keep the bottle to hand, just in case. Not sure what case. Looking back up, it seems that Ash is still keeping his pace up, now further in front of me. Also, Pikachu has passed me too, shaking the ketchup container for all she's worth. Strange, I must have lost concentration.
("Blasted human things, didn't they design these with the possibility of sausage obstruction in mind?") She curses, slamming the thing on the ground in frustration. She also picks up her pace, and I fight to match it. Sheez, everyone is in a rush today. I take another swig from my empty drink bottle, imagining the feel of water on my tongue. It's such a strange day, I don't think I'm really with it. My mind wanders while I put my head down to push harder. I don't believe I said what I said yesterday. Of all the stupid things, telling the love of your life to leave it. I know I was on edge, at a loose end, but that's no excuse. And that fact isn't making me feel any better, that's for sure. All the same, Ash is really confusing me this morning. I saw it clear as day when I insulted him, brushed him away, that he was devastated. The snapshot of those chocolate eyes leaden with anguish will haunt me for aeons. Yet this morning, not a word, not a look, not a change in attitude. Excepting the sausage incident of course. What has he done in twelve hours, what has been done, to erase that horrible moment? He's not a bad actor, but I can read him well. Like a book with big, big letters in. Everything about him, eyes, elbows, voice, toes, tells me he's forgotten, that he's focused on tomorrow, not yesterday. Always tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, what day is it tomorrow? God, that's irritating. When I'm feeling rotten, I want everyone else to share a piece of it, just to make it feel better. Like spreading a big lump of jam all over the bread so everyone gets a taste of the marmalade. Mmmm, marmalade. Haven't had it for absolutely ages. I have another blurry moment, seemingly cured by a draught on my air-filled canteen. Too much to think about. My studies, my relationships, my history, my breakfast, my blisters, my panties, my spoons.
"Hey Misty, you're slowing down." Hazel's blunt but not unkindly voice, like something blunt but not unkind, maybe an iron, again wakes me up, to see her matching me stride for stride. Maybe a toaster would be kinder than an iron. But maybe not.
"Maybe. Maybe everyone else is speeding up." I snap my retort, not feeling like talking much. She frowns at me, and then pulls ahead herself. Great, trying to make a point are we? I put some more effort into travelling and keep up with her, examining her stolen trainers. For some reason they're becoming very interesting. Maybe the shopkeeper hasn't noticed their absence yet. Maybe he's gone to pick potatoes off trees. Seems perfectly reasonable to me, if someone kept stealing my shoes, I would want to go and take vegetables from trees for a living. It would keep me fit, trim down my flabby belly too. So long as I didn't keep eating the produce. I snort with laughter at the thought of how many potatoes there would be growing in this forest if I came back and planted a potato tree in place of every prickly one. About 782,923 potatoes. Before potato tax and theft of course, and manky ones that I couldn't sell.
("Misty, you're slowing down.") Chikorita catches me, repeating Hazel's message. Or was it Pikachu's message? Can't remember.
"No I'm not." I giggle for a moment. "I'm running in slow-motion 'cause it looks cool. When I speed time up again I'll be ahead of everyone!" She gives me a puzzled stare, and I grin madly back.
("You all right?") I nod serenely, before blinking away drowsiness from my eyes.
"Fine like a badger." I tilt my head up to look ahead, and receive a third, more prolonged spell of dizziness. Heh, I must have forgotten my contact lenses. Or something. My mind seems cloudy, and I realise I've stopped. When did I stop?
("Misty?!") Chikorita seems a distance away. Probably left her behind when I stopped. It feels so hot, so warm, so steamy. So sleepy.
"Hot, sun, water....." A mouth mumbles from somewhere. Don't know whose. Chikorita seems to shout, and a split-second later, I feel two pairs of hands touching me. At least I think so.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I think that was Hazel, or almond, or whatever nut she's named after.
"Nothin', just need a lil drink." I tip the bottle, and failing to feel any water escaping, throw my head back to let me tilt it just a little more.
And then darkness.
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("Ash!") I turn around curiously at Chikorita's worried voice, to see her stood looking at a stationary Misty. Well, her feet are stationary, but her body is swaying. I start making my way back, dropping the sauce bottle to the floor. Hazel, who was closest to the two, is already there. Ash catches up to me as I reach the others, and he's looking concerned.
"Hot, sun, water." Misty slurs, almost overbalancing.
("She's gonna fall!") Chikorita hurriedly yells, wrapping a vine around the wavering red-heads waist, bright locks contrasting sharply with an unusually pale face. Ash dashes to her and holds her shoulders, and after a moment Hazel follows suit.
"Hey, what's wrong?" She asks, almost to the world in general.
"Nothin' just need a lil drink." To my shock, Misty tips her head right back, raising the canteen, and instantly slumps backwards. The other three bear her gently to the floor, until she's lain comatose and white as a sheet on a bed of moss and dirt, while I look on stunned.
"Is she pissed or something?" I glare at the Cerulean girl who had just suggested Misty was drunk. But at the same time, there aren't many other reasons for collapsing like this that I can think of.
("I don't think her bottle is full of gin or vodka. Not unless rivers up here flow with alcohol when Misty approaches.") I finish my sentence and look at Chikorita, anxious thoughts begging me to release them somehow. ("And just in case you're unsure, they don't.") My rival bristles visibly, and I feel my fear ease a little. It's something sadistic and cheap, but picking at her is a nice vent for emotion sometimes.
("But for you they'd run with wine, yes little-miss-smartass?") She snaps back, and it catches me by surprise. ("I'm not stupid you know. Looks like you're the person who needs to learn, not me!") My mouth stops flapping like a beached guppy and forms a reply.
("Let me tell you - ")
"Ladies, please!" I snap out of the angry haze at the sound of Ash's proclamation. "This is not the time. Cut it out." Pretending to not notice that the two of us have squared up, I hop over to where my second-favourite person is spreadagled.
("What do you think it is? Is she dehydrated?") Chikorita asks, and I bite my tongue to stop myself asking Chikorita if she knows what the word actually means.
"I don't know, her canteen is empty." Ash upends her container, and not a drop of liquid emerges. "Yep, it's bone dry. Looks like she forgot to fill it this morning, so I guess she is. I think she's a bit hypoglycaemic, too." What?
"It means she's got low blood sugar." I turn to Hazel, in sync with everyone else. "Hey, my gran was diabetic. She told me all about it, before she, she....."
"Well, Misty hasn't been eating enough recently. She's probably short on sugar, and on a day like this with all the travelling, there doesn't need to be much wrong." Did I hear him right?
("But she's been having meals with us. She hasn't been refusing food, well not until this morning, that is.") I think back to the seemingly innocuous conversation earlier which I only half-listened to, and my worry eases up a couple of notches. And now, I look clearly at Misty for the first time in a long while. Seeing wrists which are thin and bony. A once snug shirt hanging loosely from narrowed shoulders, breasts hardly causing a swell in it as it lays limp across her torso. But how, how didn't we notice? I just had that little mental picture of Misty I've always had since I met her in my mind, and sort of superimposed that onto her whenever I talked with her. Sometimes you really never see what is going on right in front of your eyes.
"For a few weeks now, she's been finding ways to dispose of those meals." The meaning of those darkly spoken words sink in as I examine his eyes. They're not just worried, they're scared. He's staring at his beloved with fearful intensity, still kneeling, motionless. Then, slow as a tree falling, he bends forward and puts his arms around her, resting his head gently on her chest. The motion seems to bring the bowing of a mourner to my mind, the very pose and reverence. Quite an eerie image.
("Shit.") Chikorita has caught the truth in the words too. From my angle, at his side, I can't see my trainer's face, so I look up at Hazel opposite me. She's watching him closely, about a million different emotions fighting a pitched battle. I can see jealousy there, for sure. And worry, worry for Misty in spite of herself.
"Misty, can you hear me?" Ash's voice sounds half-broken, words crackling. No response. I remain silent. For some reason, it seems that my image of mourning isn't so inaccurate after all. He's doing what he wishes he could do all the time, wrap his arms around the one he loves, get so close their noses touch. And there is a sense of loss, strangely. Loss of that ideal he had of Misty as a strong, happy, vibrant girl, the picture he loved and cherished for so many years. Replaced by the stark naked truth of reality, and a frail, vulnerable young woman.
"I'm going to get some water, back in a flash." Hazel scurries off to the river, which has grown wide and sluggish as we near it's mouth. We're a couple of minutes away since the vegetation is pretty thick around it's banks.
"Why, Myst? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why? You were beautiful as you were, you're always beautiful to me....." I look back to the scene in front of me. Ash still has his head resting on Misty, almost as if he's listening for the beating of her heart to affirm that she is still with him. It's like something out of Romeo and Juliet. And if someone were to walk in on us, they could be forgiven for assuming that the worst had happened.
("Hey Ash, take it easy. It's not like she's died or anything.") I gasp in shock as Chikorita's blunt words pierce the little bubble we're in with the ease of a dagger. Ash slowly eases himself off Misty, hands brushing at his eyes, and gets up.
"You're right, you're right, I should be doing something, not blubbering like a baby." He grabs his bag and heads off towards the river himself, for what purpose I don't know. I watch him go still struck dumb, but soon as he vanishes from sight, the spell evaporates. Leaving the biting memory of Chikorita's last statement.
("What the hell are you playing at?!") Chikorita's head snaps around to look at me.
("What do you mean?") She sounds confused, but I don't care.
("That! That thoughtless, foul statement, could you be any more tactless?!") She glares at me, moving to face me down again.
("It wasn't tactless, someone had to tell him! No point in him crying over Misty when she needs some help. Hell, it's not like she's dead!") I growl at those words, forepaws tensing with frustration.
("Are you totally stupid? Don't you see what this is doing to him? His beloved has just collapsed, and she's been either dodging or throwing up all her meals for the last god knows how long! Plus, he's got to deal with trying to hold back all the things he feels for her, and the only chance he gets to hug her is when she's laying comatose on the floor!") I swipe fiercely at the grass below my feet in emphasis. Chikorita recoils at my furious action, but then gathers herself to reply.
("Jesus Pikachu, he needed reminding that she isn't the be-all and end-all of his life! He probably would've lain there with her until she comes around or he dies of starvation!") She stamps a foreleg and glares at me, eye to eye. ("If your determination to be a goody-goody and keep your place at his right hand with a silver spoon in your mouth is that strong, you can damn well have it. But I won't be such a lap-dog, only speaking when spoken to. I'll tell him what he needs to know!") My whole body stiffens, and I can feel it getting ready to pounce. The worst thing about what Chikorita is saying isn't her piercing voice, but the fact that she's not completely wrong.
("Bull! I could see what that moment meant to him. You'd have to be blind or ignorant not to.")
("But it was a moment. Moments end, Pikachu.") I've lost the argument, I know it already. But I don't give a shit. Chikorita is stood but inches away, and I want, no, need to hurt her. With words or actions, I don't care which. Just to attack, to feel the satisfaction of adrenaline and superiority.
("So you had to end it, before it's time was up. You insensitive bitch. Some friend, tearing your way into that with the grace and delicacy of a crowbar. I should give you a damn good thrashing for it. Maybe I should give you one just for being you!") She stands her ground, eyes flashing in readiness.
("Well I guess that you just needed an excuse.") I feel the months of idleness, the adrenaline and aggression unused, creeping through every cell in my body, a spring coiling in readiness. I can see it in Chikorita too. ("An excuse to let your mean little mind vent. You still haven't forgotten last time, have you? Still can't let go of the humiliation of being beaten by one you see as 'inferior'. Well, prepare for a vivid recollection.") The red mist sinks across my vision, claws emerge from my fingertips, like knives from their sheaths, ears flatten and hair bristles. I'm ready, and primed. Chikorita takes up a low crouch, visceral growl seeping from her throat. I stare her down, mind already in the fight. But I still have this tiny seed of doubt, nestling in the corner of my mind, telling me that no matter how many times I win, I'll never be victorious.....
("Don't make cheques you can't cash.") With that sneering line, I leap. Two pairs of claws slice through an empty space where my adversary had just stood.
("Don't get me started Pikachu, or didn't you learn the lesson last time?!") I spin to face her again, scouring for any sense of weakness. None to be seen.
("Screw lessons, this is for real.") I shape to go left, but it's just a feint. Her weight shifts left as I hurl myself right, slashing cruelly into her side before she can adjust. Three lines of red greet my eyes before she smacks a vine into my temple, sending my world spinning. I get back to my feet, shaking off the attack, and grin as Chikorita winces at her wound. But I don't attack. This is just the start. I want this feeling, this satisfaction of battle to last.
("You bastard.") Chikorita glowers at me, red eyes narrowing into crimson slits. ("You're going to pay. Pay with all you have.") She lashes out with a creeper, trying to snag an ankle and drag me down. Too slow. I slide sideways and give her a sneering look. One which is smashed off my face by her other vine, following up. The surprise becomes shock, and then rapidly fury. Fury at being tricked, fury at the pain, fury at my opponent mimicking my sneer.
("That's it!!") The mist of instinct descends. No time for thought. Gaze glows and flickers as I charge my lightning.
Flash. Chikorita grounding a vine in the dirt. Eyes shut tight as the electricity earths.
Leaves slicing towards me. Must dodge! Clips my face.
Rolling away. Bleeding.
Thud, a vine landing square in the small of my back.
Must win. Must win. Launch thunder.
A scream, barely heard. She charges me.
Agility. World slows. Move aside.
She misses. Turn, slash as she dives past. Another scream. Use speed.
Double team, she looks confused.....
Crash. I send her tumbling. She rises slowly. Keep the pressure. Chase her.
Vine lashing at me, can't avoid! Eyes spin, first seeing grass, now sky.....
Blow to my chest. Winded, must breathe! Must recover, must get up.
She approaches, hear her running. Can't get up.
Charge body. Thunder wave.
Thud. Another blow. No pain. A shriek, sensed not heard.
Up. Get up. Thunder.
Vision fringes white. She's shuddering, trying to ground a vine.
Current strikes. A wrenching scream. Keep the pressure, more thunder.
Scream becomes a wail. Winning. Keep going. Wail grows louder.
Stop, take her down. Attack. Crunch as I strike her ribs. A sweet sound.
She lies still. Now fights to rise. More thunder. Aim for her leaf.
Strike. A cry, she struggles on. Again.
Another wail, now choking sobs of agony. Stil fighting to get up.
A take-down to her damaged ribs. A screech.
Stand back. Thunder again. On target. More of a whimper than a scream. Still won't lie still.
More energy. Lie still, damn you! No. Smouldering fur, bleeding, still struggling.
Strike. Strike now. Everything. All you have. Put her down.
A sound. A sound in the hiatus.
Crying.
She's crying.
She's at my mercy. Dragging herself to face me. To stare defeat in the face.
A small shock, more taunt than attack. She jolts, falling onto her damaged side. A long, plaintive wail.
Still she pulls up. Lain on her belly, eyes tight shut, rivers of fluid gushing from them. Teeth gritted. Brave, yet stupid.
Strike now, end it.
The determination clamping her jaws together gives. I charge up for an attack.
A high, piercing wail. Stuns me from launching. It dies. She's crying again. Racking great sobs, each one squeezing her broken ribs. Crying her very heart out.
Strike! Now!
Her red eyes open, bleary sight fixing on me. Bleeding, broken, beaten, unbowed.
Thunder! Strike her down!
She struggles for footing, rises up, but falls back onto her chest. Another sickening cry.
Strike! Now! Win!
Why?
Why?! What am I doing?!
Her eyes screw up, squeezing yet more tears from each of them. Tears I brought forth. I. I did this.
I did this.
The adrenaline haze lifts as mist under summer sun. Abandoning me to the reality it created. And Chikorita's infantile crying echoes all the louder. And I hear the crashing of someone running through woodland, getting closer and closer.....
"What the hell!" Ash hurtles back into the clearing, and takes in the scene. A look of abject shock takes over.
("A-Ash! Help, please.....") He rushes over to my victim, taking a scope of her injuries.
"Who did this?" My heart leaps to my mouth. The bruises I have taken seem to swell in size, bleeding nose and cuts marking me as guilty without the need for trial.
("Pikachu-") She gasps sharply, and stops speaking. Ash reguards her critically for a second, and then gets up. He turns around to face me, face querying. It's pointless to deny the fact, pointless to even wait for the question.
("We had a fight.I, uh, won.") He frowns darkly.
"I don't think anyone has won." He looks over his shoulder at Chikorita, still lain like a beached fish, before returning his sight to me. "But that's damn disgusting. I hope you're ashamed of yourself. I should be screaming at you right now, but I don't have the time or the energy. Now I've got two people lying on the floor that I need to take care of." A few dismissive words and he returns to Chikorita's side, doing a more detailed search for injury. And I slump in my place, the hands of shame gripping me tight. I have to fight to stop myself adding to the sobs which are echoing from Chikorita. Why? I didn't want this. I glance at Misty's silent form, thankful that she was untouched by the battle. I guess I'm lucky this time. And I paused before I took up my desire to 'end it'.
Or did Chikorita stop me?
I don't know. But I had to stop her, since she might not have stopped herself. I think back to that time, three years back. Well, more than that now. Things had started so simply. A little private feud between Chikorita and myself. Just being possessive over Ash. In the end, it was a turf war in Pallet Town. I found that she had one hell of a temper. When she loses it, she loses it completely.
"Come on, we're at least a day from Cerulean. You'll be a lot more comfortable in your pokeball, I don't want a punctured lung on my hands if you move too much. Please?"
("No! I'm not going in there!") Ash's cajoling words are rebuffed by Chikorita, who is shouting loud as she can in her current condition. Strange, but that is what I remember most, the pokeball. It was a Sunday, just after lunch. Some events went on which pushed the boundaries too far, and Ash said he'd had enough. One of us would have to go into a pokeball, until we learnt to get along.
And that was what lead to our hospitalisation for a couple of months.
It wasn't intended for him, what happened. Truth be told, it was intended for me. But he got in the way. We both took the consequences. And by the time he got out of hospital, and I from the Pokecenter, Chikorita and I had wordlessly resolved to never mention what had happened again, and to try getting on. And we have.
"Okay, if you insist." Ash gives up on his attempts at persuasion, and carefully picks Chikorita up, to move her next to Misty. Hazel re-appears with water, and on Ash's suggestion, puts some of our sugar supply in it to give to his comatose counterpart, who is beginning to stir. And no-one is paying me the slightest bit of attention.
I was right. No matter whether I beat Chikorita or not, she's always victorious.....
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I brush more twigs away from my face, re-tracing my earlier steps to the Cerulean River. I came out here for a bit of privacy, a wash, and if I'm being blunt, a pee. Lunch was manky. Really bad. So I cooked it, big deal. I blame the ingredients. And the utensils. But Ash was busy treating the sick and wounded, and Pikachu seemed well out of it. Who else was going to do it? At least Misty ate some of it. She tried to spit it back out, but Ash wouldn't let her. When he tasted it, he realised why, but ate it anyway with an encouraging grimace on his cute face. How was I to know that using sugar instead of salt would make such a difference? I decided to get out of there before the silence became deafening. Chikorita and Misty aren't ready to travel for a while, so I decided to follow Ash's lead and kill time in my own company.
Splash!
I stop dead, craning my neck to see what had made the noise. At first I see nothing, but then an arm rises, and jerks forwards. Silence, then a plop. My eyes gradually make out a shape with black hair sat with his back to me, throwing things out into the sluggish river. Ash, Hmmm? Now, I wonder how I can get him to blush this time. I've done the towel trick, the accidental- walking-in trick, so now what? It's really nice to see him blush, also kinda naughty too. I know that it's not a socially agreeable thing to do, but I'm used to it. Hell, I grew up with it, and it wasn't that bad. Almost the one part of my life that was bearable, at least until it began to develop. So, what next? An appearance, and disrobing feigning ignorance at his presence?
"Sheez, just when you think life can't get any worse....." Mutterings float into my ears, and I stop my plottings and listen. Silence, and then the sound of a larger stone landing in the river, hurled with some force judging by the splash. More silence. Then, was that a sniff? Nothing follows it for several seconds. I'm about to make my presence known when he stars talking loudly, almost as if he's addressing the river itself. "I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but the punishment can't be worth the crime, can it?" I freeze, interested. I've not heard Ash speak a word on what has gone on, so I crane closer to listen as he continues. "Feuding friends, a love who seems to hate me, an anorexic, an obsessive and a bloody abused criminal case all relying on me. And my confidant leaving as he can't take it any more. What if I can't? What do I do?" Keenly, I lean forwards to hear more. And step on a twig, which breaks with a resounding crack. The quiet aura returns, but I know it's pointless to hide any longer. Ash isn't going to say a word now he thinks he has an audience.
"Ahhh, time for a quick dip." I step out to the bank, ignoring the fact he's here. I move to pull my shirt over my head, and hesitate. This isn't the time. Hearing his words has taken all the energy out of the idea. So, I turn around and feign surprise as my eyes meet an almost identical pair. Seconds pass, the only noise that of the breeze, as I search them for any hint of red or wetness. It just seems important to me, to know if he's been crying. Don't know why. Perhaps it's so I know my ears weren't deceiving me. Or maybe just so that I know he's finally showing a weakness. The side that I've never seen, the secret part, the bit which he keeps hidden.
"I'll leave you to it." Ash breaks the standoff, his tone emotionless, and gets up stiffly. "The river's all yours." He strides quickly towards, and then past me, heading the way I'd come.
"No, wait!" I feel this irrational need to keep him here, and it shows in my voice. But it does stop him.
"What?" He sounds irritated, and I fight to find an excuse for calling him.
"I, uh, I don't mind you staying. Really." It's an honest statement, but it's more trying to stop him leaving until I think of a good reason.
"Hazel, don't you want some privacy?" He turns around to face me, face questioning. I shake my head definitely.
"No, it's not a problem. I'd like someone to talk to while I'm swimming." Now he looks puzzled.
"But doesn't it bother you, having someone.....see you?" More head shaking.
"Not at all. Especially not you! Now, come and chat." I move to take my shirt off again, only to see him turning his back, and beginning to walk away. "Hey! Where are you going? I told you it doesn't bother me!" He stops again, but doesn't turn.
"It bothers me. I don't think I should be watching a teenage girl undress and swim naked. Now, if you'll excuse me....."
"I only want a chat! Come on, you can sit with your back to me if you have to."
"I'm not in a chatty mood." Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
"I heard you talking to yourself! What did you mean?" That stops him dead. Time passes slowly, my breath unconsciously held.
"What do I mean by what?" He revolves to face me again, voice deadpan.
"Everything!" We stare at each other for the third time in about a minute. Then, he makes his way back to me.
"I didn't mean anything. It was just the bored ramblings of a tired mind, best if you forget them." Yeah, right. I'm not an idiot.
"So that's what you really feel, huh? Fed up of all of us are you?" I glare at him, tone becoming waspish. "Well nice of you to pretend otherwise in our presence." I turn away, stepping back out onto the riverbank.
"Hazel, it didn't mean anything. You probably misheard me, that's all." Damn, I'm good at trapping people. There is genuine fear in his words, and I decide to push the matter.
"So I misheard you calling me an abused criminal case?!" This time, the bitterness and misery in my voice are very real. Of all the people who I thought could think that way, I'd never have believed Ash would! I can already feel myself welling up, damn it, I've become such a wuss since meeting him, it's all his fault I'm in this state.
"Sorry." A warm hand grasps my right shoulder, and I follow it up it's arm to the face of it's owner, who is peering into my eyes with deep regret. I just gaze right back, waiting for him to continue. "I've just been a bit worn down recently, y'know? What with Cyndaquil leaving, Pikachu and Chikorita fighting and Misty, well, you only know half the story." I note silently that he left me out of his list, before asking the big question on my mind.
"Half?"
"Well, uh, I'd rather not talk about that." To keep pushing or step back? I think I'll let it rest, for now.
"Okay, if you insist. But the least you can do now is stay and chat to make up for your 'ramblings'. Yes?" I give him a huge grin, grabbing his hand with one of mine. He falters, but probably guesses that he's trapped.
"Yeah, I guess so." I nod to him, grin becoming cheeky.
"Great!" With that, I unceremoniously pull my shirt off fully, and feel a gush of satisfaction wash over me as Ash reddens and turns away. I finish stripping, and am about to dive straight in, when I spy a large rock near my feet. Hmmmm. Ah, yes. I can be so devious sometimes! I crouch, heave it up onto my shoulder quietly as I can, and lob it into the river with a massive splash. Half a second, a second, two..... "Okay, you can look now!"
"Right." Ash turns around, and his eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. I giggle with satisfaction, and slip him a wink. I love creating a scene, and he looks so cute when he's embarrassed.
"Enjoying the view?" God, I think he's going to pass out. I want to hug him until he can't breathe!
"H-Hazel, uhm, please get in the water....." I can't help but notice that he can't tear his gaze off me, and it makes me swell up with joy. Seeing someone appreciate me in such a way, a good way. At least it seems to be a good way to me.
"So long as you're through looking?" I stick my tongue out cheekily, and still glowing with pride, take a running dive into the water.
C-O-L-D!!!!!
"AAAAAGHHHHHH!" I re-surface with a scream, and pedal frantically for a few seconds until I regain feeling in my skin. Truth be told it's much warmer down here than higher in the mountains, but it's still cold!
"Uhm." Ash is still in some sort of trance as I paddle back over to the bank. I enjoy it for a moment, and then break him out of it.
"You can really open your eyes now." The sneaky smile my mouth is sporting broadens further as he just watches me open-mouthed until something finally clicks.
"I think it's best Misty doesn't know about this one." He chuckles, and I join in.
"Mind you, she's no better, from what I've heard she didn't just see, she went looking." I pause, still grinning. "I heard about it from Chikorita, but I get the feeling that she missed bits out. Mind if I hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak?"
"I don't see why not." He settles back, and I rest my arms on the bank to listen. "I decided that it was a warm day, and felt like a swim. The Cerulean river is just about the cleanest and purest water in Kanto, so it is always a pleasure. Well, I went ahead and just dived in, not realising that I'd forgotten my towel. Misty found it after I'd left."
"How did she find it? Was it in your bag?" My interested voice makes him break off, and smile.
"Yes, it was. So, first mystery, what the hell was she doing in my bag? I don't know the answer to that one, she was probably just being nosy. Anyhow, she found it, and put two and two together. I think that there was a bit of curiosity in her mind when she decided to try and find me." He laughs, more to himself than anyone else. "I was practising my underwater gymnastics when she first reached the river. I get the feeling she was about to rush out and save me from whatever was keeping me down there for so long. I eventually re-surfaced, and did something you would see in a really crap shampoo advert, flicking my wet hair back and running fingers through it. I love the feeling of hair, especially when it's freshly washed. So, for some reason, Misty decides not to announce her presence."
"It's probably because of your six-pack." I giggle flirtily. Don't know if that's really a word, but it's perfect.
"Well, I wasn't going to say so myself." I watch his handsome face shape into a grin, and feel my heart flutter. I'm stark naked only a few feet away from a drop-dead-gorgeous guy who is telling me a funny story. Try describing how that feels. "But obviously, from the bank, you can't really see much. So, she spied a large, very leafy tree nearby. Somehow, her curiosity, and probably her hormones, overrode her sanity. Climbing the tree seemed like a damn fine idea to her."
"She thought you wouldn't notice?" I'm cracking up here, it's so much more bizarre than when Chikorita told me the tale.
"I don't think it crossed her mind." If Ash was any more deadpan he could be a funeral director. "Of course, I heard her climbing the tree. She may be awesome at aquabatics, but climbing trees is not her forte. She used about twenty curses just getting onto the lowest branch."
"So you knew the whole time?" I'm stunned by that. From what I'd heard, it all seemed innocent. But nope.
"Yeah. And, of course, I'm not stupid. I knew, deep down, exactly what Misty wanted to see of me more than anything else. I decided to tease her, sheesh, she was trying to spy on my nude figure, she could damn well wait until I chose to expose myself. And I mean wait." He starts sniggering helplessly, shaking his head. "I drew out the charade for twenty minutes! All the time, walking into the shallows, just up to a point..... and turning around and diving back in. She'd probably seen enough of my backside to run a series of seminars on it, y'know?" I'm sniggering too, I didn't quite realise how suave Ash could be when he wanted to be. I'm impressed.
"So what was she doing?" All the details, it's little details that make life interesting!
"I couldn't tell you exactly, since I was trying to pretend she wasn't there." Kinda like me!
"But I guess you saw something."
"Mmm-hmmm. She just kept on going higher and higher. Ever looked into a pool from ground level? The image is all distorted and irregular by the angle and ripples. The higher you go the clearer the resolution. So, by the time I got bored of playing around and decided to get out, she was a good fifteen feet up. I think that I could've stood with the water around my waist for a little too long, I saw her lean forwards out of the corner of my eye."
"And?" I egg him on keenly.
"The branch sagged and she fell off it, and then bounced off a few others on the way down. She eventually landed on her ass about ten feet away." He grins broadly at the memory as my girly giggling grows louder. "I stared at her. She stared at me. And then she turned around, plucked a twisted sheet of fabric from where it was hanging from the lowest bough. Turned again to face me. Another staring match. I could see in her aqua eyes that she was completely stunned. Disappointed too, and embarrassed. It was kinda cute. Then she woke up, and just said 'you forgot your towel'. Handed it to me without a word, and then walked off. And the whole time I was trying like hell not to crack up, when she left I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated. She didn't catch my eye for the rest of the day, until she was about to hit the sack that night. She just came over to me, whispered 'nice butt' in my ear and went to bed." I throw my head back and let go of the bank, throat roaring with laughter, eyes streaming with mirth.
"Glub!" And start drowning as I sink below the surface, laughter inhaling a lungful of water. My arms thrash in reflex, pushing me back up, where I gag on the cold fluid filling my chest. Then coughing it up, each agonising wrench pushing more fresh water out of my body, and more salty water from each eye. Eventually the trauma is over, and I flop half-onto the bank, gasping as a beached fish but growing stronger, not weaker, with each attempt at inhalation.
"You okay?" Ash asks me, crouching at my side, worried. I nod slowly, regaining my sarcasm.
"Yeah, 'cept for the fact I just drank the whole Cerulean river and spat it back out again." My breath wheezing, I lift my head gingerly to look at him. "Any assistance would be greatly appreciated."
"Like?"
"Well that Hindlick thingy would work well."
"It's the Heimlich manoeuver, and it's not really needed now." He pauses, and grins. "Besides, how would it look if I stood behind you, wrapped my arms around your body and made violent thrusting movements? That wouldn't just look dodgy, it'd probably be illegal." I chuckle the best I can with airways that still feel like they're taped shut, but entertain the image for longer than maybe I should.
"At least you've loosened up a bit, you prude." He shrugs it off.
"Seeing The Little Mermaid half-drown takes the mind of other things." We both laugh idly this time, recovering from the surprise of my sudden underwater trip. "Seems like everyone I'm around ends up getting waylaid. Cyndaquil storming off, Chikorita getting beaten up by Pikachu, Misty passing out, you drinking through your windpipe, sheesh, it must be my turn next." I giggle loudly at this, stopping a bit quicker when I notice Ash isn't. He inwardly shrugs, and looks me in the eye. "How are you feeling about getting back to Cerulean City?"
"Fine." The automatic defence system kicks in before I have a chance to think, out of habit. But he doesn't ask me again or call me a liar, he just sits and watches me. I realise I haven't thought about it that much. So I do, and what is actually going to happen soaks like acid through my skin. I'm going back to my home town. Where he lives. I'm going to be back within sight, within hearing, within touching distance. A shudder that isn't due to the cold water still rippling past my submerged legs starts deep down and passes outwards, despite all efforts to conceal it.
"Hazel?" The way he's looking at me, no, into me, is somehow reassuring. I don't feel afraid to say I'm afraid any more.
"I'm scared. Really scared. What if he finds me? Will he try to attack me? Will he drag me away? Will he make advances? And even if he ignores me, I'll still know he's there, somewhere, and how can I pretend he isn't?" I sink back gradually into the river. "He's done much more than injure me. What he has done is impossible to forget. I can't forgive, let alone forget, and I'm scared....." I just can't help it, realising the fears that face me has brought out my weakness. Dread. Ever since I left Cerulean last, one thing has occupied me, what will await my return?
"Don't be." I tug my body out of the water, airways clearing.
"Why? Why shouldn't I be frightened? My devil is waiting for me, and I keep walking to meet him." Foolish steps, or strides of defiance? Don't know.
"I'm here. I'm not going to let you get broken up by some bastard who should be locked away." I'm stunned by his courage, the very idea of him taking on the ogre who had dominated my life.
"But you don't know what he's like, what he's capable of!" Ash shakes his head slowly, long black bangs swinging gently across his cheeks.
"All I know is he attacked a child, and that's not the action of a strong man, it's the action of a coward and a bully." I gape at his words, knowing he's really going to defend me. "I've had my fair share of battles in the past, and I've won most of them, some against real fighters. And my Pokemon will back me up too. So don't you worry, I won't let him lay a finger on you." He almost seems to glow in my eyes. Ash, my knight in shining armour. I really really want to just glomp him with a full-body hug and smooch, but it's like a new part of my mind has just awoken, telling me that I shouldn't. Telling me that I should really show how much this means to me, how much he means to me.
"Ash?" I get up onto my feet, and step gracefully towards him.
"Yes?" He gets up himself and watches me approach, and I mean watches. The pleasurable glow in my mind becomes even brighter as I reach him, and look into his brown orbs for a timeless moment. Then, I crane up onto my toes.....
"Thank you." And I kiss him. Straight on the lips. "For protecting me, for loving me. Thank you." I kiss him again, and to my surprise, he accepts the kiss. I wrap my arms around him, marvelling at the sheer brashness of my actions as well as the glittering of my lips as they caress his, almost seeming to meld together and link us beyond comprehension.Time slows, the sunlight seems to fade to grey, once random birdsong now serenading us. A red flush rising in my face, my hands grasping for a closer hold, Ash returning my impassioned actions with equal vigour, our contact deepening, butterflies flittering in my stomach and mind as my mischievous tongue slips furtively into his mouth, his eyes meeting mine, two identical hues locking. His irises flash with passion, and I feel a further surge of longing from them. My hands grab at his shirt, his green shorts, his raven hair. His fingers rub my naked back, dropping a little lower each second, and I grasp at his chest, his ass, and then my wandering palm brushes his crotch.....
"Hazel!" The lip-lock breaks and with it the frenzied air, and I stare at his astonished expression, now acutely aware of his touch barely above my hips, the sheer closeness of our bodies, my arms around him. He blinks a couple of times, but I can sense, can feel his desire, in more ways than one. But here and now, with him, it doesn't scare me, it excites me.
"I want this, I want you....." I sink back into his embrace, skin glowing with pleasure at every point of contact. Placing kisses on his face and neck, sliding hands inside his shirt, letting them ride over his smooth skin, the ridges of muscle, exploring every inch of his torso. Again I feel him respond, returning a few of my pecks, caressing my back warmly. Held there, surrounded by him, I feel so safe, so secure, but I want more than his care, I want his love, his heart, his body. A strange, almost chilling sensation shoots through my body as I realise that only a layer of clothing lies between us and the most intimate of contact. Even the sweet meeting between my lips and his fades into insignificance as the thought floods my head. Just half a centimeter of fabric. All that there is. Nothing more. I feel a cold, no freezing warmth spreading throughout me, focusing in my hips and breast. It's so possible, so easy, it's already been decided. I want it, the true intimacy, to breathe, to feel I'm alive. I reach for his shorts -
"No!" He backs off from our contact, pulling away with frenzied speed. The crystallised ideal, the image of what was to occur in our next moments cracks, a crazy-paving of fractures filtering throughout it, and then shatters. Lust's blindfold slips from it's place. And the full impact of what I was going to do lands on me like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, uhm, Ash, I'm. I'm, oh, I don't know." I'm assaulted from every side by panicked thoughts all screaming to be heard above each other. But what screams loudest to me is Ash's horrified face, eyes already locked into bitter self-recrimination and disgust.
"No, I shouldn't have, why did I, what was I thinking?!" He spins away, head in hands. "What was I doing? What was I doing?! What could I have done?!"
"No, it was me, I wanted to, I tried to -" I can't say what it was I wanted, not aloud, not now that my shame has taken hold of my mouth.
"Damn it, damn it!" To my shock, Ash lunges forward and hits a tree so hard it shakes the whole trunk. "How could I even think of doing such a thing!" I move to grab him before he does himself more damage, but a thought stops me dead.
"Think of doing what?" My desire freezes, arm drawn back, fist clenched, poised for another attack on the tree.
"Of.....of kissing you like that." His arm drops to his side, and he just stands staring at the tree he just assaulted, refusing to look back. I feel some sort of optimism rising in my chest. That's an outright lie. Maybe, just maybe, my dreams might be in reach.
"But I enjoyed it! And so did you. Why didn't you break off then, when that's all it was?" Silence is once again his response. "What were you thinking of? What was it that you wanted to do that you didn't? 'Cause it wasn't kissing."
"Don't ask, please don't ask." So there is something more.
"It was me, wasn't it?" He flinches, and my heart takes a leap. I was right. "You were thinking of me. Of how you could have, have....." I fade out, waiting to see his reaction as breath catches in my throat.
"Yes. Yes, damn it." Raw frustration just oozes from his tone. "I could have, and god fucking help me I wanted to." But he just won't say the words.
"I wanted it, I wanted you. I was prepared to take it from you." Seems like I can't say the words either. "With or without your permission. And I'm sorry." I really, really am. I'm surprised again as Ash shakes his head.
"I should have stopped it before it got that far. I feel like I've let you down, led you on." His voice drops to dull monotone, devoid of direction.
"I did the leading here." Anger floods my system. There's no way I'm having him blame himself for this on top of everything else he blames himself for. "Sheesh, Ash, I was all over you like a rash. And there was nothing more I wanted than to make love to you." I pause to reflect on what I've said. There, it's out in the open. "And I felt the same from you, in more ways than one. Don't feel upset about it, I'm a nice looking girl, aren't I?"
"Yes, yes you are." Hope rises like a bubble in my body at his agreement. "But don't you see the important part? You're a nice looking girl. Girl. You're Thirteen, Hazel. Thirteen. And that makes me a criminal." The bubble bursts.
"Why should my age matter? It's my decision to make, it's not like I'll use you or report you to the police or anything." Already I sound like I'm pleading. Hell, I am. But I don't want to give up, not yet.
"But think about it for a minute. One, we didn't. Two, pregnancy. Three, betrayal. How do you think I would feel, having promised to look after you, protect you, if I went straight ahead and had unprotected sex with you, under-aged and vulnerable, right here and now?" He makes sense, he really does. But the way he puts it really bristles me. Like I'm a porcelain doll or something which he has to wrap in cotton wool.
"I would be just as responsible as you. More. I knew what I was attempting to do, and I was prepared for it. Don't try and pretend I'm an innocent in all this. I wanted to feel something, anything which would make my life seem worthwhile, and you're the only one who makes me feel alive. I wanted to be loved, to really be touched, to feel wanted, feel affection. Is that too much?" His neck has bowed as he listens to my impassioned speech, and stays that way for five seconds. Ten. Twenty. And then he turns around to look me in the eye.
"That's it, you see. There are a million ways to give and take affection. Thousands to show how much someone is wanted. Any number to touch another deeply. But that one thing is something I want to save, for when it is right. Both with the right person, and at the right time. And this is not the time." I bite my lip as I feel it quivering, the sadness of rejection surfacing. He sees this, and sighs gently. "Don't you get it now, Hazel? You're still immature in a lot of ways, and so thought that we could just do what we wanted to, and then go on back to life as normal." He breaks off my protests by placing a finger on my lips, before continuing in the same dulcTt tone. "I couldn't. It means a lot more than that to me. It's not something I would do to show that I like or love them a lot. I'd have to be certain, dead certain, that I wanted them to be with me forever. Maybe I'm placing too much emphasis on a simple act, maybe not. But it's not something I would do on a whim either. Now, maybe you don't quite understand that, but I hope you can accept it." I think deeply for a second, and then another. He's right, I don't quite understand. Maybe I can think about it for a while. But I realise enough to see that there is no point in disagreeing right now.
"Okay, I see." He smiles at me, and I feel a weak grin reply for me. Too much, too much to process for me to say anything else. The conversation, the story, the feeling of his warmth, and most blinding, whatever the hell happened to me in those moments where I nearly went over the edge.
"I'm heading back, you get dressed and ready, see you in five. We're heading out." I nod in reply, letting him leave as I pick up my clothes, having already relieved myself in the river while he was telling me the story. (Another thing that made me feel, well, naughty is the word I would use, although I'm thinking after the last few minutes that there's more to it than that.) Suddenly, something clicks in my head, and I call out to Ash's retreating figure.
"You said that it's not the time. This isn't the time."
"Yes?" He calls back.
"But you didn't say that it wasn't the person, did you?" A second of quiet. I hold my breath.
"No, I didn't. And I'm not going to say that either, not yet." With that he resumes walking, and in a second, he's out of sight.
"He didn't. I might still be the one. I might still be the one!" I resist the urge to scream with joy at the top of my lungs, instead starting a wild, impromptu dance on the riverbank, physically jumping for joy.
My dream may still come true yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------
Breathe in. Ow. Breathe out. Ow. In. Ow. Out. Ow. Oh boy, are you going to pay for this Pikachu.
"Feeling okay Chiko?" Ash asks me from just above, and I grin the best I can at him while wincing with every inhalation. Well, say no, and he might just decide to try and make me go in my Pokeball again. I don't have the energy for an argument, not with broken ribs, dozens of cuts and mild burns.
("Yes.") I'm comfortable enough in his arms anyway. Being carried sure beats walking. He's even making sure he doesn't put any pressure on my chest.I think I'll just go back to plotting my revenge. They say that it's a dish best served cold, but I disagree. I prefer to let it chill, nice and slow. Then have it stand for a while, to let everything mature. Then, start cooking on a slow heat. Simmer for a while, taking care not to burn. Stir regularly, and add any spice thought necessary. Then, bring to the boil for fifteen minutes, and serve plentifully and piping hot, preferably at two hundred miles an hour from a great height.
"You know, I really wish you'd re-consider."I feel like Ash is opening the great debate again, so I slam it shut on his fingers.
("No. I'm not going in there.") No negotiator need apply. I think back to the first time I went into a Pokeball. It wasn't too bad, just a flash, a strange sensation which can't be compared to anything in the physical world, and then, well, not a lot. I think I dreamed, but it was like sleeping without the rest, not really feeling anything at all, but destined to re-emerge at a later time and place in pretty much the same state as I'd gone in. Any dreams I did have vanished upon awakening. So, for a while, all was well. Until one time.
I'd been playing around a field on a summer day, not unlike today has been. The sun was high, immense sky littered with puffy white clouds. Not a day unlike my first, the first I breathed the sweet air. We had been there for hours. Ash had let us all out to enjoy the day. At that time, Cyndaquil was still a quiet enigma, he spent his time if not asleep then feigning it. Totodile was skipping around, dousing everyone with his water gun. Noctowl floating around on air currents, sometimes landing to preen her feathers. Donphan, I think it was, had been basking in the sun, occasionally trying to stomp Totodile flat for his random showering. Pikachu, I can't remember where she was. Ah, she was with Misty and Brock. They had gone to see some film or other, Misty as she'd been waiting to see it for 'years' (it had only been out four days) and Brock to try and pick up a girl and a back-row seat. Didn't quite understand the bit about the back row. Pikachu went with them, since she had heard Misty raving about the film for all of a week and was interested. But Ash told them that there was no way he was sitting in a dark cinema watching a film he didn't want to see. Cue a 'discussion' (argument) and a slightly painful bruise, and the result was him taking the rest of us for a stroll in the countryside. And he'd sat there for ages, below a solitary tree, smiling as he watched us all. All was going well, I'd spent so much time going over every daisy and dandelion in sight. The sun had slowly been sinking, and all too soon I heard him say "time to go everyone". Each of the others had returned to him, and been welcomed by a red flash of light, until I was the only one left. And I wasn't ready to go just yet. I'd baulked at the sight of my Pokeball, and proceeded to lead him on a merry chase. But I pushed it too far. He'd been trying to persuade me to come back, but I thought it was all a big joke. Until he shouted at me to stop, and told me that he'd have to bring me back against my will unless I returned. At that time, he wasn't quite who he is today, now he won't force anyone to stay with him or in a Pokeball against their will. Back then, he still had a bit of Trainer to Pokemon superiority, not nearly as bad as most, but still some. So, I ignored him, pretending to make a break for freedom, expecting him to follow me. What I didn't expect was a call of "return!" before the red glow contained me, stopping me in my tracks. I turned to face it, fought the pull, but couldn't get on top of it, and slowly got drawn in. The last thing I saw before darkness was a snapshot of blue sky, shrinking smaller and smaller, with the silhouette of Ash framed against it, until it slipped from vision.....
And returned to that cell, the place I never wanted to be again. The next time I emerged I nearly bolted. The thought, the very thought of being there, away from life, the grass, the sky, the honeyed air. The nightmare of maybe being lost, forgotten or discarded and forever being trapped in that dark hole, only a fading memory of the world to sustain me in a seemingly everlasting sleep. Pretty soon after that I persuaded Ash into allowing me my freedom. He accepted my desire without ever really knowing my real reasons. But I guess he never needed to.
"It'll be getting dark soon." Hazel says, from behind me. She's been shoulder to shoulder with Ash since lunch, with a pretty cheesy grin pinching her mouth all afternoon. I don't think it's just a co-incidence that they spent so long at the river together earlier. They haven't told me they did, but I can put two and two together.
"Yeah, ten minutes and we'll set up for the night. It's only a few miles to Cerulean now. Okay by you, Misty? Pikachu?" I crane to look past my carer and back down the trail. Pikachu grunts in response, a few paces behind and staring at the floor. Misty, bringing up the rear after many loud protests that she doesn't need to be looked after like some pathetic invalid and that she wants her own company for a bit, doesn't even respond. She looks so drawn, wasted. As if she'll collapse if the wind blows.
("Sounds good.") I intone, settling down and allowing my tired mind to entertain images of supper and sleep. I realise how puffed I feel after the events of the day, and smile. Yes, sleep will be good.
"What's for tea?" Hazel asks idly, flicking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"The usual." She nods, and flashes us a cute smirk.
"So it's salt, not sugar? Five kilograms, yes?" Ash sighs and chuckles, and I fight the urge to do the same, knowing full well it'll be pretty agonising to.
"Hazel, the usual is never the usual if you're cooking it. I think I'll take over those duties tonight, ne? Perhaps you could cough up some more water for me to save a trip!" They both laugh out loud at that, why I don't know, but my suspicions of something going on are piqued further. Looking back again, I see Misty shoot a glance up at us. Before I might have called it venomous, or even deadly, but now it's more despairing or even helpless.
"Come on, this looks like a decent place." A spread of flat land, between the thinning trees, floor lined by a welcoming quilt of short grass. Ash sets me down on a nice patch, and I roll over onto my good side, watching them set to work. Pikachu ignores me and I return the favour as she goes burrowing in a dropped pack for something or other. Misty draws into the clearing last, slides her bag off and sits down, staring at nothing. Then, she gets a tattered book out, and begins reading it. Probably doing revision. And writing in it. Yeah.
Well, it's none of my business, really.
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11.45 PM, 20th July:
Dear diary, it's night time now, but it doesn't make much difference to me. Nothing makes much difference to me right now. Logic says sleep, my body says sleep, my mind asks me "But what if I don't wake up?" And then it asks "Will it make much of a difference? Will it matter?" I can't answer that. And nothing worse than the question you are always asking yourself, but never able to answer. Especially one such as this. I know it will make a difference to the ones I travel with, but at the same time, how much? They'd still have one another, and one of them never seems to notice the outside world right now, not in the form of people. Always what will happen next, and where. Not what is happening now, or who it is happening to.....And the fire has just gone out. I hope that I'm still writing on the lines. It doesn't matter really. What does? That question again. It's a draught, a breeze which pushes a glass, my glass to the edge of the table, where it teeters on the brink. To be seen by a caring eye, or to slip from the edge and shatter on the floor? Or can it be seen, but the eyes are uncaring? Or do they assume the glass will not break? Can't they see the glass is fine as moonlight, the ground hard and unforgiving? I'm babbling now, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What does?
I shut the book carefully, and set the pen down. And read the shiny gold lettering on it's front in the sparse moonlight.
The Diary Of Misty Kasumi Williams.
A present from Ash last Christmas. Even getting my name inscribed on it's front for me. At the time he said that I needed something to remember things by, with my dreams being what they were. I didn't think it'd become what it has. A book of days, charting spiralling decline and escalating despair.
But it has. And no more so than tonight. I reflect silently on what I have just written, considering if I meant the words my hand has crafted. It's a book, no reason to lie to it. So why am I uncertain? Perhaps I'm just scared that my innermost thoughts, the ones I have tried to hide from for what seems to be forever, are now naked in black ink, there for me to see. No escaping them. Anyone else could come and read them, but I don't care any more, it doesn't matter. It seems if anyone cared enough for me to care for what I've written they would have seen me sinking below the surface before now.
So, it doesn't matter if I leave the book here, open, for prying eyes.
Then why am I putting it away? Why am I burying it in my bag? I cast haunted eyes around the sleeping group, searching for consciousness. It seems that there's no point leaving things like this open, as some may feel duty bound to interfere with my shroud of comforting melancholy. I just want to be left in peace.
To forget about everything. It doesn't matter, not to me, nothing matters any more.
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At LAST! After a year and 80,000 words, I finally manage to make the link back to where I started. And there's probably still another 6 chapters or so to go. ^_^;;
Ah well, at least I'll have something to do next easter.....
Thanks for reading!
Dan.
Huge thanks and hugs to Karen, as always, for keeping me on the straight and narrow and making this legible. Also thanks to all you kind reviewers, I'm glad you're all still interested.
Enough of my twittering, on with the story.
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Where the River Flows, Chapter X
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24th July:- I love you.
Goodbye.
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"But wat if I don't make it? What if I flunk?" I glare up at Ash as he looks down at where I'm sat on the ground.
"You won't, I trust you. You need to trust yourself." I bat away his helping hand and pick myself up shakily, bringing my revision book with me.
"Every minute counts, I can't just waste time. I've wasted enough as it is." I re-open the book and begin scanning the page.
"But you can't trek through a forest with a book in your face. That's twice you've tripped over tree roots." I don't bother listening, just going through a few more Magikarp bits and pieces. "Besides, what's so wrong if you don't make it? Sheez, I achieved my goal at the third attempt! So long as you don't give up you never lose."
("He's right Misty.") Pikachu pipes up from behind me, far too cheerily. ("We've been beaten too many times to count. But keep on coming back. No reason for you not to do the same if you don't get there this time.") I don't really want to hear this. But the words are getting blurry, and stumbling yet again, I give in to the inevitable, and slide the book into a side-pocket of my backpack.
"My family history has never accepted failure, no matter what." No-one seems to hear that, so I go back to musing the morning. Damn him, damn Ash. Why didn't he just force the food down my throat by hand and have done with it? I was doing so well too. It'd been twenty-four hours plus since I'd last ate, I was going to get to lunch at least. And then being such a bastard about us leaving straight away. Trying to not give me time to get rid of my stomach's unwanted occupant. If I didn't know better, I'd think he did. But I'm sure he suspects. Thankfully he doesn't know I didn't swallow the food, just stored it like a hamster in the cheek he couldn't see and spat it out when I went out of the camp.
"You all okay?" The man in question turns around and looks first to me, then past me to the others languishing behind. I take it as a mark of victory that, despite my meagre diet, I manage to leave them in my wake. Through hunger and exhaustion still keeping pace, a real example of victory. Mind you, he really is pushing ahead today, and I'm starting to lag myself.
("Just.") Pikachu huffs, trailing a few yards back with her sauce bottle dragging from one arm.
"If I said I wasn't, would it make any difference?" Hazel whines pathetically from much further away, Chikorita breathing heavily as well.
"Not much." Ash replies cheerily, returning to his walking. I could kill him. Breezes into the group this morning, acting like nothing has happened. Like it was only a little spat. Like a night of fitful sleep is enough to heal the wounds.
Like everything was perfectly normal.
Is it hell. My world shook with the force of that explosion. Leaving rubble and ashes. The fact I pushed the button is irrelevant. I doesn't matter who lit the fuse in the first place when the bomb goes off. I settle back into my walking daze, gaze fixed on Ash's backside. It makes sure I don't get lost, and it's also worth watching.
("Misty, put your tongue back in.") Pikachu snorts, having caught me up.
"It's not out. Why don't you go back to trying to outwit your sausage?" She gives me a look which could kill, and drops back again.
"Good stuff guys, we're getting there. Another half-hour and we'll stop for lunch." Ash says loudly, brushing a few twigs aside. He lets go of them as I reach the branch in question, and they spring back to smack me in the face. Bastard!
"Thank you Ash, I needed that." He cranes around to see me, the obvious question on his face. I just shake my head and say "it's nothing" and go back to hiking in silence. We are getting close to Cerulean, I've felt the breeze that comes off the sea on my face since we started travelling this morning. Yet at the moment, it feels so far away. I almost wish I would never reach my hometown. It's the toss of a coin, what will happen. Pass or fail, it's impossible for me to say. I haven't done enough revision lately, not since Hazel barged into my life. Either too tired, to ill or too distracted. Or just plain busy. Or maybe there was some other reason I don't want to accept.
("Yes!") Pikachu chirrups in success and I look back to her. She's poked the offending meat roll occluding the bottleneck right through into the body of the bottle, freeing the way for sauce to flow. She upends the bottle, grinning in anticipation. The smile turns rapidly into a scowl again as the sausage slides down ahead of the sauce and lodges neatly in the bottle neck once again.
"Pride comes before a fall....." I call to her, taking pleasure from the further darkening of her expression in response. Returning to the matter of walking, I notice Ash has pushed ahead and up the pace to catch him. I don't know if it's my mind wandering or the heat, but everything seems sort of vague at the moment. Like looking through someone else's glasses at the world, objects are there but not clearly defined. Fatigue rests heavy on my shoulders and I rub my face briskly to shake it off.
"Here comes the sun, doo do do dooo, here comes the sun and I say, it's alright....." My raven-haired love starts singing idly, and only half in tune as he follows the path, making hefting a heavy bag look easy. Mine is starting to drag me back, I'm having real trouble keeping up. My stomach gurgles in complaint at my ignorance of it's needs for a moment before lapsing back into silence. To quell the growing boredom and take my mind off hunger, I start quizzing myself on common injuries to Marril. I get to dislocated tail joint before a bout of dizziness causes me to stop for a second. It goes as quickly as it arrived, but I reach around to grab my water bottle nonetheless. I twist the top off the blue container, spit out the cloying mucus stuck in my mouth and take a long draw. Receiving only a mouthful of air. Nuts. I spin the cap back on but decide to keep the bottle to hand, just in case. Not sure what case. Looking back up, it seems that Ash is still keeping his pace up, now further in front of me. Also, Pikachu has passed me too, shaking the ketchup container for all she's worth. Strange, I must have lost concentration.
("Blasted human things, didn't they design these with the possibility of sausage obstruction in mind?") She curses, slamming the thing on the ground in frustration. She also picks up her pace, and I fight to match it. Sheez, everyone is in a rush today. I take another swig from my empty drink bottle, imagining the feel of water on my tongue. It's such a strange day, I don't think I'm really with it. My mind wanders while I put my head down to push harder. I don't believe I said what I said yesterday. Of all the stupid things, telling the love of your life to leave it. I know I was on edge, at a loose end, but that's no excuse. And that fact isn't making me feel any better, that's for sure. All the same, Ash is really confusing me this morning. I saw it clear as day when I insulted him, brushed him away, that he was devastated. The snapshot of those chocolate eyes leaden with anguish will haunt me for aeons. Yet this morning, not a word, not a look, not a change in attitude. Excepting the sausage incident of course. What has he done in twelve hours, what has been done, to erase that horrible moment? He's not a bad actor, but I can read him well. Like a book with big, big letters in. Everything about him, eyes, elbows, voice, toes, tells me he's forgotten, that he's focused on tomorrow, not yesterday. Always tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, what day is it tomorrow? God, that's irritating. When I'm feeling rotten, I want everyone else to share a piece of it, just to make it feel better. Like spreading a big lump of jam all over the bread so everyone gets a taste of the marmalade. Mmmm, marmalade. Haven't had it for absolutely ages. I have another blurry moment, seemingly cured by a draught on my air-filled canteen. Too much to think about. My studies, my relationships, my history, my breakfast, my blisters, my panties, my spoons.
"Hey Misty, you're slowing down." Hazel's blunt but not unkindly voice, like something blunt but not unkind, maybe an iron, again wakes me up, to see her matching me stride for stride. Maybe a toaster would be kinder than an iron. But maybe not.
"Maybe. Maybe everyone else is speeding up." I snap my retort, not feeling like talking much. She frowns at me, and then pulls ahead herself. Great, trying to make a point are we? I put some more effort into travelling and keep up with her, examining her stolen trainers. For some reason they're becoming very interesting. Maybe the shopkeeper hasn't noticed their absence yet. Maybe he's gone to pick potatoes off trees. Seems perfectly reasonable to me, if someone kept stealing my shoes, I would want to go and take vegetables from trees for a living. It would keep me fit, trim down my flabby belly too. So long as I didn't keep eating the produce. I snort with laughter at the thought of how many potatoes there would be growing in this forest if I came back and planted a potato tree in place of every prickly one. About 782,923 potatoes. Before potato tax and theft of course, and manky ones that I couldn't sell.
("Misty, you're slowing down.") Chikorita catches me, repeating Hazel's message. Or was it Pikachu's message? Can't remember.
"No I'm not." I giggle for a moment. "I'm running in slow-motion 'cause it looks cool. When I speed time up again I'll be ahead of everyone!" She gives me a puzzled stare, and I grin madly back.
("You all right?") I nod serenely, before blinking away drowsiness from my eyes.
"Fine like a badger." I tilt my head up to look ahead, and receive a third, more prolonged spell of dizziness. Heh, I must have forgotten my contact lenses. Or something. My mind seems cloudy, and I realise I've stopped. When did I stop?
("Misty?!") Chikorita seems a distance away. Probably left her behind when I stopped. It feels so hot, so warm, so steamy. So sleepy.
"Hot, sun, water....." A mouth mumbles from somewhere. Don't know whose. Chikorita seems to shout, and a split-second later, I feel two pairs of hands touching me. At least I think so.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I think that was Hazel, or almond, or whatever nut she's named after.
"Nothin', just need a lil drink." I tip the bottle, and failing to feel any water escaping, throw my head back to let me tilt it just a little more.
And then darkness.
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("Ash!") I turn around curiously at Chikorita's worried voice, to see her stood looking at a stationary Misty. Well, her feet are stationary, but her body is swaying. I start making my way back, dropping the sauce bottle to the floor. Hazel, who was closest to the two, is already there. Ash catches up to me as I reach the others, and he's looking concerned.
"Hot, sun, water." Misty slurs, almost overbalancing.
("She's gonna fall!") Chikorita hurriedly yells, wrapping a vine around the wavering red-heads waist, bright locks contrasting sharply with an unusually pale face. Ash dashes to her and holds her shoulders, and after a moment Hazel follows suit.
"Hey, what's wrong?" She asks, almost to the world in general.
"Nothin' just need a lil drink." To my shock, Misty tips her head right back, raising the canteen, and instantly slumps backwards. The other three bear her gently to the floor, until she's lain comatose and white as a sheet on a bed of moss and dirt, while I look on stunned.
"Is she pissed or something?" I glare at the Cerulean girl who had just suggested Misty was drunk. But at the same time, there aren't many other reasons for collapsing like this that I can think of.
("I don't think her bottle is full of gin or vodka. Not unless rivers up here flow with alcohol when Misty approaches.") I finish my sentence and look at Chikorita, anxious thoughts begging me to release them somehow. ("And just in case you're unsure, they don't.") My rival bristles visibly, and I feel my fear ease a little. It's something sadistic and cheap, but picking at her is a nice vent for emotion sometimes.
("But for you they'd run with wine, yes little-miss-smartass?") She snaps back, and it catches me by surprise. ("I'm not stupid you know. Looks like you're the person who needs to learn, not me!") My mouth stops flapping like a beached guppy and forms a reply.
("Let me tell you - ")
"Ladies, please!" I snap out of the angry haze at the sound of Ash's proclamation. "This is not the time. Cut it out." Pretending to not notice that the two of us have squared up, I hop over to where my second-favourite person is spreadagled.
("What do you think it is? Is she dehydrated?") Chikorita asks, and I bite my tongue to stop myself asking Chikorita if she knows what the word actually means.
"I don't know, her canteen is empty." Ash upends her container, and not a drop of liquid emerges. "Yep, it's bone dry. Looks like she forgot to fill it this morning, so I guess she is. I think she's a bit hypoglycaemic, too." What?
"It means she's got low blood sugar." I turn to Hazel, in sync with everyone else. "Hey, my gran was diabetic. She told me all about it, before she, she....."
"Well, Misty hasn't been eating enough recently. She's probably short on sugar, and on a day like this with all the travelling, there doesn't need to be much wrong." Did I hear him right?
("But she's been having meals with us. She hasn't been refusing food, well not until this morning, that is.") I think back to the seemingly innocuous conversation earlier which I only half-listened to, and my worry eases up a couple of notches. And now, I look clearly at Misty for the first time in a long while. Seeing wrists which are thin and bony. A once snug shirt hanging loosely from narrowed shoulders, breasts hardly causing a swell in it as it lays limp across her torso. But how, how didn't we notice? I just had that little mental picture of Misty I've always had since I met her in my mind, and sort of superimposed that onto her whenever I talked with her. Sometimes you really never see what is going on right in front of your eyes.
"For a few weeks now, she's been finding ways to dispose of those meals." The meaning of those darkly spoken words sink in as I examine his eyes. They're not just worried, they're scared. He's staring at his beloved with fearful intensity, still kneeling, motionless. Then, slow as a tree falling, he bends forward and puts his arms around her, resting his head gently on her chest. The motion seems to bring the bowing of a mourner to my mind, the very pose and reverence. Quite an eerie image.
("Shit.") Chikorita has caught the truth in the words too. From my angle, at his side, I can't see my trainer's face, so I look up at Hazel opposite me. She's watching him closely, about a million different emotions fighting a pitched battle. I can see jealousy there, for sure. And worry, worry for Misty in spite of herself.
"Misty, can you hear me?" Ash's voice sounds half-broken, words crackling. No response. I remain silent. For some reason, it seems that my image of mourning isn't so inaccurate after all. He's doing what he wishes he could do all the time, wrap his arms around the one he loves, get so close their noses touch. And there is a sense of loss, strangely. Loss of that ideal he had of Misty as a strong, happy, vibrant girl, the picture he loved and cherished for so many years. Replaced by the stark naked truth of reality, and a frail, vulnerable young woman.
"I'm going to get some water, back in a flash." Hazel scurries off to the river, which has grown wide and sluggish as we near it's mouth. We're a couple of minutes away since the vegetation is pretty thick around it's banks.
"Why, Myst? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why? You were beautiful as you were, you're always beautiful to me....." I look back to the scene in front of me. Ash still has his head resting on Misty, almost as if he's listening for the beating of her heart to affirm that she is still with him. It's like something out of Romeo and Juliet. And if someone were to walk in on us, they could be forgiven for assuming that the worst had happened.
("Hey Ash, take it easy. It's not like she's died or anything.") I gasp in shock as Chikorita's blunt words pierce the little bubble we're in with the ease of a dagger. Ash slowly eases himself off Misty, hands brushing at his eyes, and gets up.
"You're right, you're right, I should be doing something, not blubbering like a baby." He grabs his bag and heads off towards the river himself, for what purpose I don't know. I watch him go still struck dumb, but soon as he vanishes from sight, the spell evaporates. Leaving the biting memory of Chikorita's last statement.
("What the hell are you playing at?!") Chikorita's head snaps around to look at me.
("What do you mean?") She sounds confused, but I don't care.
("That! That thoughtless, foul statement, could you be any more tactless?!") She glares at me, moving to face me down again.
("It wasn't tactless, someone had to tell him! No point in him crying over Misty when she needs some help. Hell, it's not like she's dead!") I growl at those words, forepaws tensing with frustration.
("Are you totally stupid? Don't you see what this is doing to him? His beloved has just collapsed, and she's been either dodging or throwing up all her meals for the last god knows how long! Plus, he's got to deal with trying to hold back all the things he feels for her, and the only chance he gets to hug her is when she's laying comatose on the floor!") I swipe fiercely at the grass below my feet in emphasis. Chikorita recoils at my furious action, but then gathers herself to reply.
("Jesus Pikachu, he needed reminding that she isn't the be-all and end-all of his life! He probably would've lain there with her until she comes around or he dies of starvation!") She stamps a foreleg and glares at me, eye to eye. ("If your determination to be a goody-goody and keep your place at his right hand with a silver spoon in your mouth is that strong, you can damn well have it. But I won't be such a lap-dog, only speaking when spoken to. I'll tell him what he needs to know!") My whole body stiffens, and I can feel it getting ready to pounce. The worst thing about what Chikorita is saying isn't her piercing voice, but the fact that she's not completely wrong.
("Bull! I could see what that moment meant to him. You'd have to be blind or ignorant not to.")
("But it was a moment. Moments end, Pikachu.") I've lost the argument, I know it already. But I don't give a shit. Chikorita is stood but inches away, and I want, no, need to hurt her. With words or actions, I don't care which. Just to attack, to feel the satisfaction of adrenaline and superiority.
("So you had to end it, before it's time was up. You insensitive bitch. Some friend, tearing your way into that with the grace and delicacy of a crowbar. I should give you a damn good thrashing for it. Maybe I should give you one just for being you!") She stands her ground, eyes flashing in readiness.
("Well I guess that you just needed an excuse.") I feel the months of idleness, the adrenaline and aggression unused, creeping through every cell in my body, a spring coiling in readiness. I can see it in Chikorita too. ("An excuse to let your mean little mind vent. You still haven't forgotten last time, have you? Still can't let go of the humiliation of being beaten by one you see as 'inferior'. Well, prepare for a vivid recollection.") The red mist sinks across my vision, claws emerge from my fingertips, like knives from their sheaths, ears flatten and hair bristles. I'm ready, and primed. Chikorita takes up a low crouch, visceral growl seeping from her throat. I stare her down, mind already in the fight. But I still have this tiny seed of doubt, nestling in the corner of my mind, telling me that no matter how many times I win, I'll never be victorious.....
("Don't make cheques you can't cash.") With that sneering line, I leap. Two pairs of claws slice through an empty space where my adversary had just stood.
("Don't get me started Pikachu, or didn't you learn the lesson last time?!") I spin to face her again, scouring for any sense of weakness. None to be seen.
("Screw lessons, this is for real.") I shape to go left, but it's just a feint. Her weight shifts left as I hurl myself right, slashing cruelly into her side before she can adjust. Three lines of red greet my eyes before she smacks a vine into my temple, sending my world spinning. I get back to my feet, shaking off the attack, and grin as Chikorita winces at her wound. But I don't attack. This is just the start. I want this feeling, this satisfaction of battle to last.
("You bastard.") Chikorita glowers at me, red eyes narrowing into crimson slits. ("You're going to pay. Pay with all you have.") She lashes out with a creeper, trying to snag an ankle and drag me down. Too slow. I slide sideways and give her a sneering look. One which is smashed off my face by her other vine, following up. The surprise becomes shock, and then rapidly fury. Fury at being tricked, fury at the pain, fury at my opponent mimicking my sneer.
("That's it!!") The mist of instinct descends. No time for thought. Gaze glows and flickers as I charge my lightning.
Flash. Chikorita grounding a vine in the dirt. Eyes shut tight as the electricity earths.
Leaves slicing towards me. Must dodge! Clips my face.
Rolling away. Bleeding.
Thud, a vine landing square in the small of my back.
Must win. Must win. Launch thunder.
A scream, barely heard. She charges me.
Agility. World slows. Move aside.
She misses. Turn, slash as she dives past. Another scream. Use speed.
Double team, she looks confused.....
Crash. I send her tumbling. She rises slowly. Keep the pressure. Chase her.
Vine lashing at me, can't avoid! Eyes spin, first seeing grass, now sky.....
Blow to my chest. Winded, must breathe! Must recover, must get up.
She approaches, hear her running. Can't get up.
Charge body. Thunder wave.
Thud. Another blow. No pain. A shriek, sensed not heard.
Up. Get up. Thunder.
Vision fringes white. She's shuddering, trying to ground a vine.
Current strikes. A wrenching scream. Keep the pressure, more thunder.
Scream becomes a wail. Winning. Keep going. Wail grows louder.
Stop, take her down. Attack. Crunch as I strike her ribs. A sweet sound.
She lies still. Now fights to rise. More thunder. Aim for her leaf.
Strike. A cry, she struggles on. Again.
Another wail, now choking sobs of agony. Stil fighting to get up.
A take-down to her damaged ribs. A screech.
Stand back. Thunder again. On target. More of a whimper than a scream. Still won't lie still.
More energy. Lie still, damn you! No. Smouldering fur, bleeding, still struggling.
Strike. Strike now. Everything. All you have. Put her down.
A sound. A sound in the hiatus.
Crying.
She's crying.
She's at my mercy. Dragging herself to face me. To stare defeat in the face.
A small shock, more taunt than attack. She jolts, falling onto her damaged side. A long, plaintive wail.
Still she pulls up. Lain on her belly, eyes tight shut, rivers of fluid gushing from them. Teeth gritted. Brave, yet stupid.
Strike now, end it.
The determination clamping her jaws together gives. I charge up for an attack.
A high, piercing wail. Stuns me from launching. It dies. She's crying again. Racking great sobs, each one squeezing her broken ribs. Crying her very heart out.
Strike! Now!
Her red eyes open, bleary sight fixing on me. Bleeding, broken, beaten, unbowed.
Thunder! Strike her down!
She struggles for footing, rises up, but falls back onto her chest. Another sickening cry.
Strike! Now! Win!
Why?
Why?! What am I doing?!
Her eyes screw up, squeezing yet more tears from each of them. Tears I brought forth. I. I did this.
I did this.
The adrenaline haze lifts as mist under summer sun. Abandoning me to the reality it created. And Chikorita's infantile crying echoes all the louder. And I hear the crashing of someone running through woodland, getting closer and closer.....
"What the hell!" Ash hurtles back into the clearing, and takes in the scene. A look of abject shock takes over.
("A-Ash! Help, please.....") He rushes over to my victim, taking a scope of her injuries.
"Who did this?" My heart leaps to my mouth. The bruises I have taken seem to swell in size, bleeding nose and cuts marking me as guilty without the need for trial.
("Pikachu-") She gasps sharply, and stops speaking. Ash reguards her critically for a second, and then gets up. He turns around to face me, face querying. It's pointless to deny the fact, pointless to even wait for the question.
("We had a fight.I, uh, won.") He frowns darkly.
"I don't think anyone has won." He looks over his shoulder at Chikorita, still lain like a beached fish, before returning his sight to me. "But that's damn disgusting. I hope you're ashamed of yourself. I should be screaming at you right now, but I don't have the time or the energy. Now I've got two people lying on the floor that I need to take care of." A few dismissive words and he returns to Chikorita's side, doing a more detailed search for injury. And I slump in my place, the hands of shame gripping me tight. I have to fight to stop myself adding to the sobs which are echoing from Chikorita. Why? I didn't want this. I glance at Misty's silent form, thankful that she was untouched by the battle. I guess I'm lucky this time. And I paused before I took up my desire to 'end it'.
Or did Chikorita stop me?
I don't know. But I had to stop her, since she might not have stopped herself. I think back to that time, three years back. Well, more than that now. Things had started so simply. A little private feud between Chikorita and myself. Just being possessive over Ash. In the end, it was a turf war in Pallet Town. I found that she had one hell of a temper. When she loses it, she loses it completely.
"Come on, we're at least a day from Cerulean. You'll be a lot more comfortable in your pokeball, I don't want a punctured lung on my hands if you move too much. Please?"
("No! I'm not going in there!") Ash's cajoling words are rebuffed by Chikorita, who is shouting loud as she can in her current condition. Strange, but that is what I remember most, the pokeball. It was a Sunday, just after lunch. Some events went on which pushed the boundaries too far, and Ash said he'd had enough. One of us would have to go into a pokeball, until we learnt to get along.
And that was what lead to our hospitalisation for a couple of months.
It wasn't intended for him, what happened. Truth be told, it was intended for me. But he got in the way. We both took the consequences. And by the time he got out of hospital, and I from the Pokecenter, Chikorita and I had wordlessly resolved to never mention what had happened again, and to try getting on. And we have.
"Okay, if you insist." Ash gives up on his attempts at persuasion, and carefully picks Chikorita up, to move her next to Misty. Hazel re-appears with water, and on Ash's suggestion, puts some of our sugar supply in it to give to his comatose counterpart, who is beginning to stir. And no-one is paying me the slightest bit of attention.
I was right. No matter whether I beat Chikorita or not, she's always victorious.....
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I brush more twigs away from my face, re-tracing my earlier steps to the Cerulean River. I came out here for a bit of privacy, a wash, and if I'm being blunt, a pee. Lunch was manky. Really bad. So I cooked it, big deal. I blame the ingredients. And the utensils. But Ash was busy treating the sick and wounded, and Pikachu seemed well out of it. Who else was going to do it? At least Misty ate some of it. She tried to spit it back out, but Ash wouldn't let her. When he tasted it, he realised why, but ate it anyway with an encouraging grimace on his cute face. How was I to know that using sugar instead of salt would make such a difference? I decided to get out of there before the silence became deafening. Chikorita and Misty aren't ready to travel for a while, so I decided to follow Ash's lead and kill time in my own company.
Splash!
I stop dead, craning my neck to see what had made the noise. At first I see nothing, but then an arm rises, and jerks forwards. Silence, then a plop. My eyes gradually make out a shape with black hair sat with his back to me, throwing things out into the sluggish river. Ash, Hmmm? Now, I wonder how I can get him to blush this time. I've done the towel trick, the accidental- walking-in trick, so now what? It's really nice to see him blush, also kinda naughty too. I know that it's not a socially agreeable thing to do, but I'm used to it. Hell, I grew up with it, and it wasn't that bad. Almost the one part of my life that was bearable, at least until it began to develop. So, what next? An appearance, and disrobing feigning ignorance at his presence?
"Sheez, just when you think life can't get any worse....." Mutterings float into my ears, and I stop my plottings and listen. Silence, and then the sound of a larger stone landing in the river, hurled with some force judging by the splash. More silence. Then, was that a sniff? Nothing follows it for several seconds. I'm about to make my presence known when he stars talking loudly, almost as if he's addressing the river itself. "I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but the punishment can't be worth the crime, can it?" I freeze, interested. I've not heard Ash speak a word on what has gone on, so I crane closer to listen as he continues. "Feuding friends, a love who seems to hate me, an anorexic, an obsessive and a bloody abused criminal case all relying on me. And my confidant leaving as he can't take it any more. What if I can't? What do I do?" Keenly, I lean forwards to hear more. And step on a twig, which breaks with a resounding crack. The quiet aura returns, but I know it's pointless to hide any longer. Ash isn't going to say a word now he thinks he has an audience.
"Ahhh, time for a quick dip." I step out to the bank, ignoring the fact he's here. I move to pull my shirt over my head, and hesitate. This isn't the time. Hearing his words has taken all the energy out of the idea. So, I turn around and feign surprise as my eyes meet an almost identical pair. Seconds pass, the only noise that of the breeze, as I search them for any hint of red or wetness. It just seems important to me, to know if he's been crying. Don't know why. Perhaps it's so I know my ears weren't deceiving me. Or maybe just so that I know he's finally showing a weakness. The side that I've never seen, the secret part, the bit which he keeps hidden.
"I'll leave you to it." Ash breaks the standoff, his tone emotionless, and gets up stiffly. "The river's all yours." He strides quickly towards, and then past me, heading the way I'd come.
"No, wait!" I feel this irrational need to keep him here, and it shows in my voice. But it does stop him.
"What?" He sounds irritated, and I fight to find an excuse for calling him.
"I, uh, I don't mind you staying. Really." It's an honest statement, but it's more trying to stop him leaving until I think of a good reason.
"Hazel, don't you want some privacy?" He turns around to face me, face questioning. I shake my head definitely.
"No, it's not a problem. I'd like someone to talk to while I'm swimming." Now he looks puzzled.
"But doesn't it bother you, having someone.....see you?" More head shaking.
"Not at all. Especially not you! Now, come and chat." I move to take my shirt off again, only to see him turning his back, and beginning to walk away. "Hey! Where are you going? I told you it doesn't bother me!" He stops again, but doesn't turn.
"It bothers me. I don't think I should be watching a teenage girl undress and swim naked. Now, if you'll excuse me....."
"I only want a chat! Come on, you can sit with your back to me if you have to."
"I'm not in a chatty mood." Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
"I heard you talking to yourself! What did you mean?" That stops him dead. Time passes slowly, my breath unconsciously held.
"What do I mean by what?" He revolves to face me again, voice deadpan.
"Everything!" We stare at each other for the third time in about a minute. Then, he makes his way back to me.
"I didn't mean anything. It was just the bored ramblings of a tired mind, best if you forget them." Yeah, right. I'm not an idiot.
"So that's what you really feel, huh? Fed up of all of us are you?" I glare at him, tone becoming waspish. "Well nice of you to pretend otherwise in our presence." I turn away, stepping back out onto the riverbank.
"Hazel, it didn't mean anything. You probably misheard me, that's all." Damn, I'm good at trapping people. There is genuine fear in his words, and I decide to push the matter.
"So I misheard you calling me an abused criminal case?!" This time, the bitterness and misery in my voice are very real. Of all the people who I thought could think that way, I'd never have believed Ash would! I can already feel myself welling up, damn it, I've become such a wuss since meeting him, it's all his fault I'm in this state.
"Sorry." A warm hand grasps my right shoulder, and I follow it up it's arm to the face of it's owner, who is peering into my eyes with deep regret. I just gaze right back, waiting for him to continue. "I've just been a bit worn down recently, y'know? What with Cyndaquil leaving, Pikachu and Chikorita fighting and Misty, well, you only know half the story." I note silently that he left me out of his list, before asking the big question on my mind.
"Half?"
"Well, uh, I'd rather not talk about that." To keep pushing or step back? I think I'll let it rest, for now.
"Okay, if you insist. But the least you can do now is stay and chat to make up for your 'ramblings'. Yes?" I give him a huge grin, grabbing his hand with one of mine. He falters, but probably guesses that he's trapped.
"Yeah, I guess so." I nod to him, grin becoming cheeky.
"Great!" With that, I unceremoniously pull my shirt off fully, and feel a gush of satisfaction wash over me as Ash reddens and turns away. I finish stripping, and am about to dive straight in, when I spy a large rock near my feet. Hmmmm. Ah, yes. I can be so devious sometimes! I crouch, heave it up onto my shoulder quietly as I can, and lob it into the river with a massive splash. Half a second, a second, two..... "Okay, you can look now!"
"Right." Ash turns around, and his eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. I giggle with satisfaction, and slip him a wink. I love creating a scene, and he looks so cute when he's embarrassed.
"Enjoying the view?" God, I think he's going to pass out. I want to hug him until he can't breathe!
"H-Hazel, uhm, please get in the water....." I can't help but notice that he can't tear his gaze off me, and it makes me swell up with joy. Seeing someone appreciate me in such a way, a good way. At least it seems to be a good way to me.
"So long as you're through looking?" I stick my tongue out cheekily, and still glowing with pride, take a running dive into the water.
C-O-L-D!!!!!
"AAAAAGHHHHHH!" I re-surface with a scream, and pedal frantically for a few seconds until I regain feeling in my skin. Truth be told it's much warmer down here than higher in the mountains, but it's still cold!
"Uhm." Ash is still in some sort of trance as I paddle back over to the bank. I enjoy it for a moment, and then break him out of it.
"You can really open your eyes now." The sneaky smile my mouth is sporting broadens further as he just watches me open-mouthed until something finally clicks.
"I think it's best Misty doesn't know about this one." He chuckles, and I join in.
"Mind you, she's no better, from what I've heard she didn't just see, she went looking." I pause, still grinning. "I heard about it from Chikorita, but I get the feeling that she missed bits out. Mind if I hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak?"
"I don't see why not." He settles back, and I rest my arms on the bank to listen. "I decided that it was a warm day, and felt like a swim. The Cerulean river is just about the cleanest and purest water in Kanto, so it is always a pleasure. Well, I went ahead and just dived in, not realising that I'd forgotten my towel. Misty found it after I'd left."
"How did she find it? Was it in your bag?" My interested voice makes him break off, and smile.
"Yes, it was. So, first mystery, what the hell was she doing in my bag? I don't know the answer to that one, she was probably just being nosy. Anyhow, she found it, and put two and two together. I think that there was a bit of curiosity in her mind when she decided to try and find me." He laughs, more to himself than anyone else. "I was practising my underwater gymnastics when she first reached the river. I get the feeling she was about to rush out and save me from whatever was keeping me down there for so long. I eventually re-surfaced, and did something you would see in a really crap shampoo advert, flicking my wet hair back and running fingers through it. I love the feeling of hair, especially when it's freshly washed. So, for some reason, Misty decides not to announce her presence."
"It's probably because of your six-pack." I giggle flirtily. Don't know if that's really a word, but it's perfect.
"Well, I wasn't going to say so myself." I watch his handsome face shape into a grin, and feel my heart flutter. I'm stark naked only a few feet away from a drop-dead-gorgeous guy who is telling me a funny story. Try describing how that feels. "But obviously, from the bank, you can't really see much. So, she spied a large, very leafy tree nearby. Somehow, her curiosity, and probably her hormones, overrode her sanity. Climbing the tree seemed like a damn fine idea to her."
"She thought you wouldn't notice?" I'm cracking up here, it's so much more bizarre than when Chikorita told me the tale.
"I don't think it crossed her mind." If Ash was any more deadpan he could be a funeral director. "Of course, I heard her climbing the tree. She may be awesome at aquabatics, but climbing trees is not her forte. She used about twenty curses just getting onto the lowest branch."
"So you knew the whole time?" I'm stunned by that. From what I'd heard, it all seemed innocent. But nope.
"Yeah. And, of course, I'm not stupid. I knew, deep down, exactly what Misty wanted to see of me more than anything else. I decided to tease her, sheesh, she was trying to spy on my nude figure, she could damn well wait until I chose to expose myself. And I mean wait." He starts sniggering helplessly, shaking his head. "I drew out the charade for twenty minutes! All the time, walking into the shallows, just up to a point..... and turning around and diving back in. She'd probably seen enough of my backside to run a series of seminars on it, y'know?" I'm sniggering too, I didn't quite realise how suave Ash could be when he wanted to be. I'm impressed.
"So what was she doing?" All the details, it's little details that make life interesting!
"I couldn't tell you exactly, since I was trying to pretend she wasn't there." Kinda like me!
"But I guess you saw something."
"Mmm-hmmm. She just kept on going higher and higher. Ever looked into a pool from ground level? The image is all distorted and irregular by the angle and ripples. The higher you go the clearer the resolution. So, by the time I got bored of playing around and decided to get out, she was a good fifteen feet up. I think that I could've stood with the water around my waist for a little too long, I saw her lean forwards out of the corner of my eye."
"And?" I egg him on keenly.
"The branch sagged and she fell off it, and then bounced off a few others on the way down. She eventually landed on her ass about ten feet away." He grins broadly at the memory as my girly giggling grows louder. "I stared at her. She stared at me. And then she turned around, plucked a twisted sheet of fabric from where it was hanging from the lowest bough. Turned again to face me. Another staring match. I could see in her aqua eyes that she was completely stunned. Disappointed too, and embarrassed. It was kinda cute. Then she woke up, and just said 'you forgot your towel'. Handed it to me without a word, and then walked off. And the whole time I was trying like hell not to crack up, when she left I laughed so hard I almost hyperventilated. She didn't catch my eye for the rest of the day, until she was about to hit the sack that night. She just came over to me, whispered 'nice butt' in my ear and went to bed." I throw my head back and let go of the bank, throat roaring with laughter, eyes streaming with mirth.
"Glub!" And start drowning as I sink below the surface, laughter inhaling a lungful of water. My arms thrash in reflex, pushing me back up, where I gag on the cold fluid filling my chest. Then coughing it up, each agonising wrench pushing more fresh water out of my body, and more salty water from each eye. Eventually the trauma is over, and I flop half-onto the bank, gasping as a beached fish but growing stronger, not weaker, with each attempt at inhalation.
"You okay?" Ash asks me, crouching at my side, worried. I nod slowly, regaining my sarcasm.
"Yeah, 'cept for the fact I just drank the whole Cerulean river and spat it back out again." My breath wheezing, I lift my head gingerly to look at him. "Any assistance would be greatly appreciated."
"Like?"
"Well that Hindlick thingy would work well."
"It's the Heimlich manoeuver, and it's not really needed now." He pauses, and grins. "Besides, how would it look if I stood behind you, wrapped my arms around your body and made violent thrusting movements? That wouldn't just look dodgy, it'd probably be illegal." I chuckle the best I can with airways that still feel like they're taped shut, but entertain the image for longer than maybe I should.
"At least you've loosened up a bit, you prude." He shrugs it off.
"Seeing The Little Mermaid half-drown takes the mind of other things." We both laugh idly this time, recovering from the surprise of my sudden underwater trip. "Seems like everyone I'm around ends up getting waylaid. Cyndaquil storming off, Chikorita getting beaten up by Pikachu, Misty passing out, you drinking through your windpipe, sheesh, it must be my turn next." I giggle loudly at this, stopping a bit quicker when I notice Ash isn't. He inwardly shrugs, and looks me in the eye. "How are you feeling about getting back to Cerulean City?"
"Fine." The automatic defence system kicks in before I have a chance to think, out of habit. But he doesn't ask me again or call me a liar, he just sits and watches me. I realise I haven't thought about it that much. So I do, and what is actually going to happen soaks like acid through my skin. I'm going back to my home town. Where he lives. I'm going to be back within sight, within hearing, within touching distance. A shudder that isn't due to the cold water still rippling past my submerged legs starts deep down and passes outwards, despite all efforts to conceal it.
"Hazel?" The way he's looking at me, no, into me, is somehow reassuring. I don't feel afraid to say I'm afraid any more.
"I'm scared. Really scared. What if he finds me? Will he try to attack me? Will he drag me away? Will he make advances? And even if he ignores me, I'll still know he's there, somewhere, and how can I pretend he isn't?" I sink back gradually into the river. "He's done much more than injure me. What he has done is impossible to forget. I can't forgive, let alone forget, and I'm scared....." I just can't help it, realising the fears that face me has brought out my weakness. Dread. Ever since I left Cerulean last, one thing has occupied me, what will await my return?
"Don't be." I tug my body out of the water, airways clearing.
"Why? Why shouldn't I be frightened? My devil is waiting for me, and I keep walking to meet him." Foolish steps, or strides of defiance? Don't know.
"I'm here. I'm not going to let you get broken up by some bastard who should be locked away." I'm stunned by his courage, the very idea of him taking on the ogre who had dominated my life.
"But you don't know what he's like, what he's capable of!" Ash shakes his head slowly, long black bangs swinging gently across his cheeks.
"All I know is he attacked a child, and that's not the action of a strong man, it's the action of a coward and a bully." I gape at his words, knowing he's really going to defend me. "I've had my fair share of battles in the past, and I've won most of them, some against real fighters. And my Pokemon will back me up too. So don't you worry, I won't let him lay a finger on you." He almost seems to glow in my eyes. Ash, my knight in shining armour. I really really want to just glomp him with a full-body hug and smooch, but it's like a new part of my mind has just awoken, telling me that I shouldn't. Telling me that I should really show how much this means to me, how much he means to me.
"Ash?" I get up onto my feet, and step gracefully towards him.
"Yes?" He gets up himself and watches me approach, and I mean watches. The pleasurable glow in my mind becomes even brighter as I reach him, and look into his brown orbs for a timeless moment. Then, I crane up onto my toes.....
"Thank you." And I kiss him. Straight on the lips. "For protecting me, for loving me. Thank you." I kiss him again, and to my surprise, he accepts the kiss. I wrap my arms around him, marvelling at the sheer brashness of my actions as well as the glittering of my lips as they caress his, almost seeming to meld together and link us beyond comprehension.Time slows, the sunlight seems to fade to grey, once random birdsong now serenading us. A red flush rising in my face, my hands grasping for a closer hold, Ash returning my impassioned actions with equal vigour, our contact deepening, butterflies flittering in my stomach and mind as my mischievous tongue slips furtively into his mouth, his eyes meeting mine, two identical hues locking. His irises flash with passion, and I feel a further surge of longing from them. My hands grab at his shirt, his green shorts, his raven hair. His fingers rub my naked back, dropping a little lower each second, and I grasp at his chest, his ass, and then my wandering palm brushes his crotch.....
"Hazel!" The lip-lock breaks and with it the frenzied air, and I stare at his astonished expression, now acutely aware of his touch barely above my hips, the sheer closeness of our bodies, my arms around him. He blinks a couple of times, but I can sense, can feel his desire, in more ways than one. But here and now, with him, it doesn't scare me, it excites me.
"I want this, I want you....." I sink back into his embrace, skin glowing with pleasure at every point of contact. Placing kisses on his face and neck, sliding hands inside his shirt, letting them ride over his smooth skin, the ridges of muscle, exploring every inch of his torso. Again I feel him respond, returning a few of my pecks, caressing my back warmly. Held there, surrounded by him, I feel so safe, so secure, but I want more than his care, I want his love, his heart, his body. A strange, almost chilling sensation shoots through my body as I realise that only a layer of clothing lies between us and the most intimate of contact. Even the sweet meeting between my lips and his fades into insignificance as the thought floods my head. Just half a centimeter of fabric. All that there is. Nothing more. I feel a cold, no freezing warmth spreading throughout me, focusing in my hips and breast. It's so possible, so easy, it's already been decided. I want it, the true intimacy, to breathe, to feel I'm alive. I reach for his shorts -
"No!" He backs off from our contact, pulling away with frenzied speed. The crystallised ideal, the image of what was to occur in our next moments cracks, a crazy-paving of fractures filtering throughout it, and then shatters. Lust's blindfold slips from it's place. And the full impact of what I was going to do lands on me like a ton of bricks.
"Oh, uhm, Ash, I'm. I'm, oh, I don't know." I'm assaulted from every side by panicked thoughts all screaming to be heard above each other. But what screams loudest to me is Ash's horrified face, eyes already locked into bitter self-recrimination and disgust.
"No, I shouldn't have, why did I, what was I thinking?!" He spins away, head in hands. "What was I doing? What was I doing?! What could I have done?!"
"No, it was me, I wanted to, I tried to -" I can't say what it was I wanted, not aloud, not now that my shame has taken hold of my mouth.
"Damn it, damn it!" To my shock, Ash lunges forward and hits a tree so hard it shakes the whole trunk. "How could I even think of doing such a thing!" I move to grab him before he does himself more damage, but a thought stops me dead.
"Think of doing what?" My desire freezes, arm drawn back, fist clenched, poised for another attack on the tree.
"Of.....of kissing you like that." His arm drops to his side, and he just stands staring at the tree he just assaulted, refusing to look back. I feel some sort of optimism rising in my chest. That's an outright lie. Maybe, just maybe, my dreams might be in reach.
"But I enjoyed it! And so did you. Why didn't you break off then, when that's all it was?" Silence is once again his response. "What were you thinking of? What was it that you wanted to do that you didn't? 'Cause it wasn't kissing."
"Don't ask, please don't ask." So there is something more.
"It was me, wasn't it?" He flinches, and my heart takes a leap. I was right. "You were thinking of me. Of how you could have, have....." I fade out, waiting to see his reaction as breath catches in my throat.
"Yes. Yes, damn it." Raw frustration just oozes from his tone. "I could have, and god fucking help me I wanted to." But he just won't say the words.
"I wanted it, I wanted you. I was prepared to take it from you." Seems like I can't say the words either. "With or without your permission. And I'm sorry." I really, really am. I'm surprised again as Ash shakes his head.
"I should have stopped it before it got that far. I feel like I've let you down, led you on." His voice drops to dull monotone, devoid of direction.
"I did the leading here." Anger floods my system. There's no way I'm having him blame himself for this on top of everything else he blames himself for. "Sheesh, Ash, I was all over you like a rash. And there was nothing more I wanted than to make love to you." I pause to reflect on what I've said. There, it's out in the open. "And I felt the same from you, in more ways than one. Don't feel upset about it, I'm a nice looking girl, aren't I?"
"Yes, yes you are." Hope rises like a bubble in my body at his agreement. "But don't you see the important part? You're a nice looking girl. Girl. You're Thirteen, Hazel. Thirteen. And that makes me a criminal." The bubble bursts.
"Why should my age matter? It's my decision to make, it's not like I'll use you or report you to the police or anything." Already I sound like I'm pleading. Hell, I am. But I don't want to give up, not yet.
"But think about it for a minute. One, we didn't. Two, pregnancy. Three, betrayal. How do you think I would feel, having promised to look after you, protect you, if I went straight ahead and had unprotected sex with you, under-aged and vulnerable, right here and now?" He makes sense, he really does. But the way he puts it really bristles me. Like I'm a porcelain doll or something which he has to wrap in cotton wool.
"I would be just as responsible as you. More. I knew what I was attempting to do, and I was prepared for it. Don't try and pretend I'm an innocent in all this. I wanted to feel something, anything which would make my life seem worthwhile, and you're the only one who makes me feel alive. I wanted to be loved, to really be touched, to feel wanted, feel affection. Is that too much?" His neck has bowed as he listens to my impassioned speech, and stays that way for five seconds. Ten. Twenty. And then he turns around to look me in the eye.
"That's it, you see. There are a million ways to give and take affection. Thousands to show how much someone is wanted. Any number to touch another deeply. But that one thing is something I want to save, for when it is right. Both with the right person, and at the right time. And this is not the time." I bite my lip as I feel it quivering, the sadness of rejection surfacing. He sees this, and sighs gently. "Don't you get it now, Hazel? You're still immature in a lot of ways, and so thought that we could just do what we wanted to, and then go on back to life as normal." He breaks off my protests by placing a finger on my lips, before continuing in the same dulcTt tone. "I couldn't. It means a lot more than that to me. It's not something I would do to show that I like or love them a lot. I'd have to be certain, dead certain, that I wanted them to be with me forever. Maybe I'm placing too much emphasis on a simple act, maybe not. But it's not something I would do on a whim either. Now, maybe you don't quite understand that, but I hope you can accept it." I think deeply for a second, and then another. He's right, I don't quite understand. Maybe I can think about it for a while. But I realise enough to see that there is no point in disagreeing right now.
"Okay, I see." He smiles at me, and I feel a weak grin reply for me. Too much, too much to process for me to say anything else. The conversation, the story, the feeling of his warmth, and most blinding, whatever the hell happened to me in those moments where I nearly went over the edge.
"I'm heading back, you get dressed and ready, see you in five. We're heading out." I nod in reply, letting him leave as I pick up my clothes, having already relieved myself in the river while he was telling me the story. (Another thing that made me feel, well, naughty is the word I would use, although I'm thinking after the last few minutes that there's more to it than that.) Suddenly, something clicks in my head, and I call out to Ash's retreating figure.
"You said that it's not the time. This isn't the time."
"Yes?" He calls back.
"But you didn't say that it wasn't the person, did you?" A second of quiet. I hold my breath.
"No, I didn't. And I'm not going to say that either, not yet." With that he resumes walking, and in a second, he's out of sight.
"He didn't. I might still be the one. I might still be the one!" I resist the urge to scream with joy at the top of my lungs, instead starting a wild, impromptu dance on the riverbank, physically jumping for joy.
My dream may still come true yet.
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Breathe in. Ow. Breathe out. Ow. In. Ow. Out. Ow. Oh boy, are you going to pay for this Pikachu.
"Feeling okay Chiko?" Ash asks me from just above, and I grin the best I can at him while wincing with every inhalation. Well, say no, and he might just decide to try and make me go in my Pokeball again. I don't have the energy for an argument, not with broken ribs, dozens of cuts and mild burns.
("Yes.") I'm comfortable enough in his arms anyway. Being carried sure beats walking. He's even making sure he doesn't put any pressure on my chest.I think I'll just go back to plotting my revenge. They say that it's a dish best served cold, but I disagree. I prefer to let it chill, nice and slow. Then have it stand for a while, to let everything mature. Then, start cooking on a slow heat. Simmer for a while, taking care not to burn. Stir regularly, and add any spice thought necessary. Then, bring to the boil for fifteen minutes, and serve plentifully and piping hot, preferably at two hundred miles an hour from a great height.
"You know, I really wish you'd re-consider."I feel like Ash is opening the great debate again, so I slam it shut on his fingers.
("No. I'm not going in there.") No negotiator need apply. I think back to the first time I went into a Pokeball. It wasn't too bad, just a flash, a strange sensation which can't be compared to anything in the physical world, and then, well, not a lot. I think I dreamed, but it was like sleeping without the rest, not really feeling anything at all, but destined to re-emerge at a later time and place in pretty much the same state as I'd gone in. Any dreams I did have vanished upon awakening. So, for a while, all was well. Until one time.
I'd been playing around a field on a summer day, not unlike today has been. The sun was high, immense sky littered with puffy white clouds. Not a day unlike my first, the first I breathed the sweet air. We had been there for hours. Ash had let us all out to enjoy the day. At that time, Cyndaquil was still a quiet enigma, he spent his time if not asleep then feigning it. Totodile was skipping around, dousing everyone with his water gun. Noctowl floating around on air currents, sometimes landing to preen her feathers. Donphan, I think it was, had been basking in the sun, occasionally trying to stomp Totodile flat for his random showering. Pikachu, I can't remember where she was. Ah, she was with Misty and Brock. They had gone to see some film or other, Misty as she'd been waiting to see it for 'years' (it had only been out four days) and Brock to try and pick up a girl and a back-row seat. Didn't quite understand the bit about the back row. Pikachu went with them, since she had heard Misty raving about the film for all of a week and was interested. But Ash told them that there was no way he was sitting in a dark cinema watching a film he didn't want to see. Cue a 'discussion' (argument) and a slightly painful bruise, and the result was him taking the rest of us for a stroll in the countryside. And he'd sat there for ages, below a solitary tree, smiling as he watched us all. All was going well, I'd spent so much time going over every daisy and dandelion in sight. The sun had slowly been sinking, and all too soon I heard him say "time to go everyone". Each of the others had returned to him, and been welcomed by a red flash of light, until I was the only one left. And I wasn't ready to go just yet. I'd baulked at the sight of my Pokeball, and proceeded to lead him on a merry chase. But I pushed it too far. He'd been trying to persuade me to come back, but I thought it was all a big joke. Until he shouted at me to stop, and told me that he'd have to bring me back against my will unless I returned. At that time, he wasn't quite who he is today, now he won't force anyone to stay with him or in a Pokeball against their will. Back then, he still had a bit of Trainer to Pokemon superiority, not nearly as bad as most, but still some. So, I ignored him, pretending to make a break for freedom, expecting him to follow me. What I didn't expect was a call of "return!" before the red glow contained me, stopping me in my tracks. I turned to face it, fought the pull, but couldn't get on top of it, and slowly got drawn in. The last thing I saw before darkness was a snapshot of blue sky, shrinking smaller and smaller, with the silhouette of Ash framed against it, until it slipped from vision.....
And returned to that cell, the place I never wanted to be again. The next time I emerged I nearly bolted. The thought, the very thought of being there, away from life, the grass, the sky, the honeyed air. The nightmare of maybe being lost, forgotten or discarded and forever being trapped in that dark hole, only a fading memory of the world to sustain me in a seemingly everlasting sleep. Pretty soon after that I persuaded Ash into allowing me my freedom. He accepted my desire without ever really knowing my real reasons. But I guess he never needed to.
"It'll be getting dark soon." Hazel says, from behind me. She's been shoulder to shoulder with Ash since lunch, with a pretty cheesy grin pinching her mouth all afternoon. I don't think it's just a co-incidence that they spent so long at the river together earlier. They haven't told me they did, but I can put two and two together.
"Yeah, ten minutes and we'll set up for the night. It's only a few miles to Cerulean now. Okay by you, Misty? Pikachu?" I crane to look past my carer and back down the trail. Pikachu grunts in response, a few paces behind and staring at the floor. Misty, bringing up the rear after many loud protests that she doesn't need to be looked after like some pathetic invalid and that she wants her own company for a bit, doesn't even respond. She looks so drawn, wasted. As if she'll collapse if the wind blows.
("Sounds good.") I intone, settling down and allowing my tired mind to entertain images of supper and sleep. I realise how puffed I feel after the events of the day, and smile. Yes, sleep will be good.
"What's for tea?" Hazel asks idly, flicking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"The usual." She nods, and flashes us a cute smirk.
"So it's salt, not sugar? Five kilograms, yes?" Ash sighs and chuckles, and I fight the urge to do the same, knowing full well it'll be pretty agonising to.
"Hazel, the usual is never the usual if you're cooking it. I think I'll take over those duties tonight, ne? Perhaps you could cough up some more water for me to save a trip!" They both laugh out loud at that, why I don't know, but my suspicions of something going on are piqued further. Looking back again, I see Misty shoot a glance up at us. Before I might have called it venomous, or even deadly, but now it's more despairing or even helpless.
"Come on, this looks like a decent place." A spread of flat land, between the thinning trees, floor lined by a welcoming quilt of short grass. Ash sets me down on a nice patch, and I roll over onto my good side, watching them set to work. Pikachu ignores me and I return the favour as she goes burrowing in a dropped pack for something or other. Misty draws into the clearing last, slides her bag off and sits down, staring at nothing. Then, she gets a tattered book out, and begins reading it. Probably doing revision. And writing in it. Yeah.
Well, it's none of my business, really.
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11.45 PM, 20th July:
Dear diary, it's night time now, but it doesn't make much difference to me. Nothing makes much difference to me right now. Logic says sleep, my body says sleep, my mind asks me "But what if I don't wake up?" And then it asks "Will it make much of a difference? Will it matter?" I can't answer that. And nothing worse than the question you are always asking yourself, but never able to answer. Especially one such as this. I know it will make a difference to the ones I travel with, but at the same time, how much? They'd still have one another, and one of them never seems to notice the outside world right now, not in the form of people. Always what will happen next, and where. Not what is happening now, or who it is happening to.....And the fire has just gone out. I hope that I'm still writing on the lines. It doesn't matter really. What does? That question again. It's a draught, a breeze which pushes a glass, my glass to the edge of the table, where it teeters on the brink. To be seen by a caring eye, or to slip from the edge and shatter on the floor? Or can it be seen, but the eyes are uncaring? Or do they assume the glass will not break? Can't they see the glass is fine as moonlight, the ground hard and unforgiving? I'm babbling now, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. What does?
I shut the book carefully, and set the pen down. And read the shiny gold lettering on it's front in the sparse moonlight.
The Diary Of Misty Kasumi Williams.
A present from Ash last Christmas. Even getting my name inscribed on it's front for me. At the time he said that I needed something to remember things by, with my dreams being what they were. I didn't think it'd become what it has. A book of days, charting spiralling decline and escalating despair.
But it has. And no more so than tonight. I reflect silently on what I have just written, considering if I meant the words my hand has crafted. It's a book, no reason to lie to it. So why am I uncertain? Perhaps I'm just scared that my innermost thoughts, the ones I have tried to hide from for what seems to be forever, are now naked in black ink, there for me to see. No escaping them. Anyone else could come and read them, but I don't care any more, it doesn't matter. It seems if anyone cared enough for me to care for what I've written they would have seen me sinking below the surface before now.
So, it doesn't matter if I leave the book here, open, for prying eyes.
Then why am I putting it away? Why am I burying it in my bag? I cast haunted eyes around the sleeping group, searching for consciousness. It seems that there's no point leaving things like this open, as some may feel duty bound to interfere with my shroud of comforting melancholy. I just want to be left in peace.
To forget about everything. It doesn't matter, not to me, nothing matters any more.
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At LAST! After a year and 80,000 words, I finally manage to make the link back to where I started. And there's probably still another 6 chapters or so to go. ^_^;;
Ah well, at least I'll have something to do next easter.....
Thanks for reading!
Dan.