Letting Go

SUMMARY: Matt's dead in a car accident, with Jeff at the wheel… the guilt, the pain, the knowledge that no one will look at him in the same way again… what will happen?

SONGFIC

Song: 'Letting Go' (Song is in bold italics)

Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the Hardy brothers, their family, their friends, etc. This is a work of pure fiction.

A single tear slipped down the cold, pale skin on his face as he just stared… just stared. It didn't seem possible that things could get any worse; that life couldn't be as cold and dark and as hostile to the beating of a heart, as it was now. In fact, the world was dead to him. Unmoving. Unchanging. Unnerving. Unforgiving. It didn't seem to acknowledge the warmth of a hug, or the tenderness of a kiss, or the joy of a child's smile, or the laughter resulted from a joke. Whatever had made the world turn for him had died. Ever since the accident, nothing seemed to matter – all the sympathetic words and smiles and hugs were all worthless and did nothing to heal his broken spirit.

Jeff stood in the snow on the cold Sunday morning in January, wearing a black suit and tie, a black trench coat, and his tears… that's all anyone could see. No one could read him anymore, and he had shut himself out the world. He had lost not just his brother, but also any sense of humanity left within him – he could cry no more tears, or scream anymore words of anger, or even lay anymore blame on himself. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally, he was nothing but an empty void and it was growing ever deeper; ever wider. The tear that was sliding down his cheek now, was the last ounce of emotion and humanity he could muster… anything else would kill him, for the grief was so overpowering that it began to numb him like when a person went into shock from a sudden wound or blow, or whatever.

Letting go,

When the day comes that I must say goodbye to you…

His breathing deepened and became more rigid, as if he was struggling to find where his next breath would come from. The funeral service was over and everyone had left, including his family, his friends, and his girlfriend. He didn't care if they stayed or not, because, as it was stated, that he had no ounce of emotion left in him, including that of the ability to care. His mind; his soul; his heart; his warmth had disappeared the moment he realized what had happened. The memories remained vivid in his mind, and Jeff wasn't prepared to forget anytime soon… as bad as it sounds, a part of him didn't want to forget. Because it was that memory that would keep him from feeling; keep him from loving… keep him from finding humanity and emotion that would attach him to other people, and he couldn't take the risk of losing someone else and going through the pain all over again. So he was quite prepared to keep a strangle hold of the moments when he realized his brother was dead because of him. That's right. Matt Hardy was killed when he was traveling with Jeff down the highway from the airport in Charlotte, North Carolina, back to their hometown of Cameron. Jeff didn't want to move on and forget the moment when he killed his older brother; the brother who had loved and defended him with everything he had. I know it sounds strange, a man wanting to hold onto the most excruciating moment in his life at the time when he lost his brother, but this was how it was… the guilt that Jeff was feeling had consumed the hole in his heart and was the only thing that kept him awake; alive. Guilt kept him alive. Guilt kept him from killing himself. He wanted to feel it; to live with the pain… he wanted to hurt just as much as he had hurt Matt… but the thing was, as much as he wanted to feel it, he couldn't. He couldn't feel anything. But his desire to feel it was kept him going. Matt had lingered in pain for four days, consciously, before, on that fourth night, he slipped into a coma and died three hours later.

He stood in front of the grave site, just in front of the brown casket that was covered in flowers, with his hands clasped firmly in front of him; despite the overcast weather, he wore his sunglasses so no one would have to look into his empty, cold, scary eyes. Lifeless eyes were more terrifying than evil ones, because they hid the truth… people are more afraid of the unknown rather than evil, because with the unknown they don't know what to expect and thus can't prepare themselves. And Jeff's eyes hid an unpredictable, undeniable, unforeseeable torment that threatened his very existence.
Jeff paid no attention to his surroundings and just stood as still as a statue in front of the casket, and the newly placed tombstone that read Matt's name, birth date, and date of death. The date that was forever burned into Jeff's mind. And also, a small, appropriate prayer was carved into the stone… one that was also on their mother's grave, just next to his.

It's the last thing in life I'll ever want to do.

I know it has to be,

But it's so hard for me…

The cemetery itself was covered in snow; the whiteness of it contrasted harshly against the dark grey and bronzed stone markers and tombstones and statues that covered the grounds. The trees were stripped of their leaves and colours and the whole atmosphere was eerily peaceful, in a disturbing manner, and the barrenness of it all; the quietness… it all seemed to be a perfect place to meet death and meet those who had already been consumed by it. But it was peaceful. Ironically, Jeff found more peace there than anywhere else in the past two weeks – it had taken two weeks for the funeral to take place, because of the investigation into the crash. It was concluded that it was an accident. Jeff has fallen asleep at the wheel, despite Matt's protests.

Jeff rubbed his hands together and inhaled, sharply. An impending storm was looming. Perfect.

Letting go,

Facing up to the truth,

That it is time to part…

Giving way to the day that well may break my heart…

It's not a thing I choose,

To in I have to lose…

He coughed and continued breathing deeply. Coming down with a cold, perhaps?

FLASH BACK – 2 WEEKS EARLIER

"I'm serious Jeff," Matt snapped, holding onto the armrest on the door for dear life as Jeff stepped on the accelerator pedal. It was 1:36 AM and very cold, despite the fact that the car's heater was going at full strength.

"Pull the fucking car over, I'll drive!"

"It's cool, Matt," Jeff smiled, charmingly, before yawning. He was tired, but they were only about twenty minutes outside of Cameron. The road wasn't as slippery as either one of them anticipated and Jeff was usually a responsible driver. But it was late. They wanted to get home and get to sleep, so he was about ten mph over the speed limit. No big deal, right?

"I got it, man. Quit bitchin',"

"Just slow down at least!" Matt complained. He was always the more responsible one, and he didn't usually complain about Jeff's driving. The only reason the younger hardy brother was driving now was because Matt was still recovering from his match the night before, at a WWE pay per view. Jeff had joined him and visited a few of his friends that he made during his time with the company. Matt had gotten pretty beaten up earlier that night, losing his match at SummerSlam to Edge, which burned him. His first PPV match back and he had to lose to his enemy, the son-of-a-bitch who slept with his girlfriend and almost cost him his career.

"Jeff!" he snapped louder, trying to get through to the multi-coloured haired brat.

"Matt, calm down, bro!" Jeff continued to reassure him and turned up the radio a little. Despite being tired and really anxious to get home, he was in a relatively good mood and that probably came from two things: 1) seeing his friends in the WWE again and hanging out with the old crew, and 2) the prospect of getting home to his beautiful girl, Beth, was enough to make him happy and cheerful enough. He was also back in TNA, so everything was starting to look up for the younger Hardy, as well as things for his brother starting to pan out and settle down. As disappointed as he was that Matt had not joined TNA, he was glad that his older brother was doing what he wanted on his own terms. That's all that mattered.

Matt tensed up and gripped the side of the car even more so. Jeff could be crazy at times; even stupid. This was just downright reckless and insane. Then, he could feel Jeff speed up a little more in attempts to get home quicker.

"Jeff," his voice was soft; his tone in a warning manner. "Come on, bro, don't be fucking stupid!"

"Matt, we're almost there!" Jeff was growing agitated. He was a good driver, and there was no reason for Matt not to trust him. But wanting to diffuse the tension between them, he lifted his foot off the gas and slowed the car to the speed limit, which allowed Matt to relax a little.

"Happy?"

"Very."

"Whatever."

They fell silent and the drive continued for another ten minutes. Then, Jeff had to squint and turn the windscreen wipers up a bit more, as snow began to fall at a much faster rate.

"Fucking snow," he muttered and switched on the high beams for his 2004 black corvette. It was a sweet ride and there was no way he would risk hurting it… not after what it cost him. But he just wanted to get home. They passed a sign, indicating that the next town, Cameron, was only a few miles away.

"Be careful, bro," Matt warned.

"I know, I know. Matt, calm down man… I know what I'm doing."

But suddenly, Jeff felt the steering wheel lock. His heart started to race and Matt sat up straight, wondering what was happening. At the speed they were going, it was easy for Jeff to lose control, but everything went fast.

"Jeff—"

"Fuck!"

He slammed on the breaks as he felt himself losing control of the car – he continued to press down on the break, but everything was freezing up and there was nothing more he could do. Matt's eyes widened and he realized what was about to happen. The wheels of the car began to shake uncontrollable, before the car itself began to spin off to the side of the road.

"JEFF!" Matt screamed, and then it was done. All Jeff could do was grab his brother's arm, and felt Matt grip his back as the car slid off the road, and with a sickening crash, landing straight into a telephone pole, on Matt's side. Everything went blank. In a twisted mangle of metal, blood, and flesh… everything fell silent into the darkness of the cold night.

END FLASHBACK

Jeff had suffered a broken arm, a few broken ribs, and a semi-serious bump to the head, but had made a full recovery. Two days after he had awoken, his tear-stained father had given him the news of Matt's death. Jeff had been unconscious five days. Even after only two weeks, he was feeling much better and in control of himself a lot more. But he still could not let go.

Letting go…

Moving on in my life into the time to come.

Day by day; page by page,

Sure of what I've become…

I'll bet you always knew

That's what I had to do…

He knew he had to let go and move on, but there was something other than guilt (or his desire to feel guilt), that was preventing him. Jeff couldn't remember much about the accident, other than it had been his fault – despite the courts finding him legally not responsible, due to diminished and unexpected weather conditions.

He looked around to see no one else with him, expect the ever foreboding presence of death and the supernatural, whatever that may be. He then stared intently back at the grave and let his fingers gently trace over the delicate carvings around the edges of the casket.

"Matt…" he whispered; his voice was hoarse. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't cry. "Matty…"

The mention of Matt's name seemed to float on the air, as a gently yet cold breeze then swept through, brushing against Jeff's entire body, as if Matt had heard him and was right there. Jeff closed his eyes behind those dark sunglasses and inhaled deep, cold air through his nose and just held it in his lungs for what seemed like ages. The coldness of the air was liberating, to an extent. Even comforting. It's not like he wanted to feel empty as he did, but things were different. He wouldn't let himself feel the pain he so desperately wanted to… because as soon as he did, he'd open a floodgate of emotions and he wasn't ready for that. Not now.

Jeff opened his eyes and looked down at his brother's casket. He took off one black glove and let his finger touch the surface of it, which sent shivers down his spine when he did. It was freezing cold.

For I know, the only way to grow

Is just by letting go.

Letting go,

When the time comes I know, I shall return someday

But til then, this is when I have to find my way

It's a fact of life,

Though it isn't fair

He couldn't hold it anymore. Jeff swallowed the growing lump in his throat, which hurt as it had grown large in his attempts to not let himself feel anything. His heart was beating so fast, and somehow he just wanted to rip it out of his chest and throw it away with the garbage. Besides with it being anatomically impossible, Jeff found himself not disconnecting with his heart, but rather finding in it a sense of comfort – like it was the only thing that could keep him from becoming inhuman. A monster. He killed his own brother, but he didn't want to die. Otherwise he would've just tried to commit suicide or something. So that must mean that deep down, he knew that there was some part of him that knew life was worth living – that there was something about his existence that was worth all this pain and turmoil. What that was, he wasn't sure… but it was there. He just wouldn't admit it to himself.

His breathing became shallow and his eyes darted around the empty cemetery, wanting to find the nearest exit, but finding himself glued firmly in that spot. He wanted to leave, but couldn't. Not without saying goodbye. Not without letting go. Maybe after that, the healing process could begin. Maybe.

"Matt…" his whispered again, before coughing. Yep, he was definitely catching a cold out here, but he didn't care.

"Matt…" was all he could say. The last look he got of his brother that he could remember was one of sheer terror and panic. That wasn't a memory he wanted to keep – one of terror and Matt's terrified expression; helpless and even innocence.

There will always be,

All the love we share…

Before he knew it, he could feel a cold tear blur his vision and he had to blink it away. Nothing could prevent the wave of emotion now… and for Jeff, it was finally time. No longer could he deny himself the feelings that he wanted to feel ever since the accident. Ever since he woke up. But somehow, he managed to keep his composure… sort of, and dropped to his knees.

"Oh God," he cried softly. "Matty… I'm so…" he paused and a small sob was released from the depths of his soul. "I… I'm so sorry, bro…"

A gentle breeze continued to rustle the few remaining leaves that were on a couple of trees; the rest were stripped of life, which was fitting for a cemetery. The only sounds was of the pained sobs of a heartbroken brother who was finally embracing the emotions that he struggled to allow himself to feel. He wanted to feel the feelings, but was scared. Now, he couldn't control it.

Still, the hardest thing is letting go…

The hardest thing is letting go.

Jeff sat up and his eyes widened, startled, when he felt something brush against his neck, and he turned his head but saw nothing there. Not thinking much of it, he turned back to the casket and kissed it, before standing up. Now, his big brother was gonna be laid to rest next to their mother, Ruby, who had died when he (Jeff) was just nine, and Matt was twelve.

Finally, he got to his feet and looked to the sky, like he was trying to seek answers to the all important questions that were running through his mind as emotions swept through him, so now was the time when Jeff suddenly felt like he was human again. After two weeks of pure hell, he knew it wasn't about to get much easier for him… but there was enough pain and sorrow to last him a life time, and now was the moment when he had to let go… let go of his guilt.

His lips parted and he could taste the bitter cold taste of the damp air rushing into his mouth and massaging his tongue, before being drawn into his lungs. Blinking away more tears, he took a deep breath.

"Letting go…"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hope you like it! It was just a one-shot thing and one of my first attempts in a long time of a serious, angst/tragedy story involving the Hardy brothers. So I hope you enjoyed it. Constructive criticism is welcome, but please be gentle. Again, I hope you enjoyed it and let me know what you think by reviewing.