Title: Everlasting
Rating: K+
Summery: Rose and the 10th Doctor stop off in London for Christmas just a few months after the regeneration has taken place. Both still adjust to each other has changed, as well as how they've changed themselves. (10/Rose)
Authors Note: Continuing with the theme of the last chapter, this is a bit of a darker chapter. Unlike the first where it was a happy perspective of the regeneration, the Doctor slowly notices the darker sides. Thank you all for reading, this story is truly written for you all. I've noticed that on my spaces between the times have disappeared. I will try to mend this error. In the meantime, here is your next installment.
Times changed, people changed, it was part of being alive. Being able to see the changes around you could be considered a gift by some, others a curse. To constantly notice how people and things changed, to notice they were different than the day before, to see they had changed back or changed from the point on.
Lately he believed it to be a curse.
He could stand there, just as he was, watching children play with their mothers and fathers in the snow filled park. The melting snow had freeze into ice crystals which hung from the swing set, casting the cloudy sun's beams into the snow below, making the substance glitter and sparkle. Moving out of the way from the children he strode over to the ice crystal and moved his fingers down slowly over the frozen water, the melting process beginning just as soon as he touched it. Melting without his wanting to or his consent, but happening because the universe was a cruel place.
He sighed, putting his forehead to the cool bars of the swing set, closing his eyes. It would always be a part of him it seemed, lying dormant in the back of his mind waiting its time to come and nip at him slowly, moment by moment, and fragment by fragment. He had hoped so hard that it hurt, hoped that the hideous memories would fall through time and never be remembered, just disappear, like the individual's histories through out the years. He wanted it to disappear, to never exist in anything, but it did. How could it not? They were all gone in one blazing inferno; there was no way to change time.
He had hoped it would disappear along with his previous incarnation. But it wouldn't.
Not as long as Rose was by his side. As long as she was there memories of his previous incarnation remained constant, the memory of blazing infernos pounded into his skull when he was alone. The numbing pain of feeling the noise in his head become quieter and quieter came back to him, making him stop and time seemed to freeze then just as it had then. He opened his eyes halfway, lifting them to watch the families that had gone from snowmen to a snowball war in moments played out before him. Like everything else it seemed to be a movie, a moment to treasure in the now, and slip through the shifting movements of time within an instant.
It was gone for him. All gone. The moments played out before with his family and friends and enemies all slipped through the cracks of time as if none of it existed ever, merely a dream that came to haunt the night and waking moments of solitude in the day. Now he remembered why, why he traveled alone, why he did not like to stay with family holidays. He suffered from it.
But he wouldn't impose his suffering on her. He never had, he never wanted to. She knew what she did from her persistence; he didn't want her to know his grief. It would spread and become part of her as well, time interlacing its fingers within hers and tying her to him forever. Long after she would leave her ghost would remain within the heart of the TARDIS, her voice and presence joining with the several others that lived within the walls and floors to remind him of days gone. Days he could never relive, he could never see again, save the moments that lived inside his hearts and mind.
He wished forever did not last just a day.
Her presence wasn't left unnoticed. He knew she had been standing beside him sometime, her gaze switching from the families he watched to his face. He knew that his eyes betrayed him, they always had. He could mask his emotions but they always leaked out through his eyes. He wished she wasn't there now, she could see it all in a moment. But if she was not here now, she might not be there then or later. Time was always changing, she could be there one moment and the next be gone, leaving him alone within the stream of time until he could no longer cheat death and die.
A shiver traveled through his arm and he glanced down, finding her hand slipping into his coat pocket where his lay dormant from the cold. Her hand was freezing; the glove had been removed from sometime as if she was battling with herself on taking his hand. Her hand found his and clasped onto it, over the moments becoming warm. His gaze traveled to hers, looking for an explanation of the action she had done. Didn't she know that this moment was only now and the rest of time would never know of it?
His silent question was answered by a weak smile, her eyebrows drawn together in a frown as she tried to understand. He wouldn't let her, he couldn't. She'd never be able to turn back, her presence would stay within the walls and floors like others had… others he had let to close. Her face changed suddenly, her mouth drawn into a line while her eyes softened and glistened with water. He knew then his eyes had betrayed him again. He quickly shut them and placed his forehead on the rail, gripping onto her hand that was in his pocket.
Why? The moment was going to just disappear. It would mean nothing within years, just a faint memory that would be a small reminder of the blond shop girl that lived within his ship; a ghost that would wander the halls of the TARDIS unseen by others that would follow her, but seen by him and felt. She would be dead but still alive like so many others before her; it was the TARDIS's way of trying to keep him happy by reminding him. However it was slowly chipping him away.
"Doctor." She said softly. His grip loosened just a bit, his thumb drawing small circles on the back of her hand as a way to expel his emotions. "Doctor, look at me, please." She said softly and so full of emotion. She was frightened and lonely, sad but curious. He took in a shaky breath slowly opening his eyes and turning his neck to look at her. She studied him, her eyes shaking as she tried to fight the water that threatened to fall at any moment, cascading down her face like water on rocks. Her mouth moved as she gulped, and gripped onto his hand tightly, as if begging him, pleading him for a silent request, one he refused to see. He looked away from her, and back at the families.
She was determined and shut her eyes before turning her gaze back to him. "Doctor." She said again, louder and constricted to keep her emotions away. "Doctor tell me." He seemed to freeze. "Tell me what's wrong. Tell me why you won't tell me anything now; after all we've been through. Please, tell me." He didn't answer, he was trying to block her out, and she knew it. She hated it. She hated when he wouldn't tell her, when he would enclose himself into his own little universe where only him and what he knew lived. It scared her. "Doctor." She said louder with more authority in her voice, more than she had felt. It was going wrong, all wrong.
"It must be the Time Vortex, that's all I can think." He said softly as if to himself, forgetting she was present with him. "Why else would it still be there? I don't understand, it shouldn't."
He didn't understand?
Who was this man and where was her Doctor? He always knew, he always understood, nothing in the universe would leave him confused and so disheartened. Her Doctor, no matter the appearance was not like this. Something was wrong, she needed to know. Rose stepped closer to him, standing beside him as she clutched onto his hand, her shoulder brushing against his forearm. His grip tightened as if he were going to fall and needed stability. He was tense himself, every muscle, even his energy and spirit he projected was tense, time itself seemed to tense as well. What had gone so terribly wrong in just one evening?
"Doctor." She managed his name, his title, through the tense time. It sounded so small, so unimportant, and in the moment following it was gone. She wasn't going to let that happen, let it slip away, let her feelings and worry just disappear, never. "Doctor." She spoke again, her unshed tears coming through her lips and voice as she began to tremble in fright.
"Do you feel it Rose?" he asked softly, his grip becoming tighter. "Time slowly changes. We change with it and it changes with us. There is no stopping the change, no matter how hard we try. Time is constant, never stopping. What is important one moment is not important the next. Your feelings will change by time and you, your memories and existence will slowly fade…." He trailed off, staring ahead but his eyes remained unfocused as if he saw something that no one else could see. "You will be nothing more than a ghost in time, something that was there but no longer remains. In ten years your presence will not matter, it will simply drift away and become faint images and sounds, the air and energy just having brief flashes of the existence you led."
"You're seeing it, aren't you?" she managed to say, trying to find the courage within the sea of fright that lay inside her. She was clinging to him now, afraid to loose him in the current. "You're seeing into time, like you always do, and it's scaring you isn't it? Why are you scared, Doctor? You're never scared." She turned slightly so half of her stood in front of him. "You're a Time Lord, how can you be scared of time?"
He slowly looked at her, his eyes flickering between the thousands of thoughts and emotions that clashed within his mind. She could read them all, understand them, and see them play out. Never before had he shared the feeling of time with her, the sheer intensity felt crushing and mind shattering, leaving her clinging to him to keep afloat. She knew he was clinging as well, but bit by bit his grip was being swallowed by the pressure of time, threatening to take him into its depths. She gulped again and tightened her jaw to keep from loosing herself within the sea of fright.
"Rose," he spoke softly. "The Time Vortex, it is time. It lives in us and we live in it." He closed his eyes and tried to get away, to let himself slip into the crashing waves but she held onto him, not letting him float away. His eyes found their way open again, facing her. "You feel it, can't you Rose? You can see time, feel it inside you, around others, flowing forever through everything that is and will be."
"Yes." She found her voice, but it was small and seemed to drown with the tides.
"I can too." His other hand took her gloved one, guiding her to stand before him. "The regeneration was altered by time, changed from how it is supposed to be. I can feel time and see it, but now it is so much clearer and vivid, its presence is overwhelming, enough to drive someone mad, Rose." He stepped around the swing pole, guiding her to follow him and she complied. "This moment, right here and right now is going to mean nothing within moments. It'll be lost forever, slipping through our fingers and the grasp of time as if it never happened; a ghost to come and remind us in the night when we aren't expecting it."
She bit her lip, holding his hands just a bit tighter, lowering her head slightly to keep the tears from coming down. She looked up then and swallowed, determination found its way through the black sea of fright.
"You're wrong." She said. His face became loose and his eyes dropped and his age showing through the youthful appearance. "I can feel it. I know its here, I know that it works, lives inside my head along with the TARDIS." She removed her glove hand and pulled the black fabric off her fingers with her teeth, tossing it aside. She slowly put her fingers under his chin, her thumb resting against his bottom lip as she lifted his head up slowly, seeing the water that had gathered in his eyes. She offered him a small smile. "I don't care about others that live in time or here. This matters to me. Therefore it'll always be in time because I'm inside it. Right here, right now, what is going to happen, and what has happened… it all matters to me. I don't want to miss it for anything in the universe, Doctor. I want to be here with you."
He wasn't convinced.
"You'll just fade." He said lowly with the expression drained from his voice. "Like the others before you, you'll become a ghost inside the TARDIS and inside my head, faint actions from others will remind me and I will relive that moment just briefly before the now captures me and the then slips away again. Others that come after you will know your presence and feel you there, they will leave their marks, and more will come. It's why they, my people, never traveled with companions."
She was hurt.
"You're saying I'm going…to just disappear?" she asked softly, blinking once and twice, tears slipping from her eyelashes and down her cheeks. They were warm and her skin was cold, the reaction to both burned her skin, searing the memory into her mind and the time that existed there. His face fell. "I'm not going to mean anything?" his gaze did not waver, assuring her that what she gathered was truth and fact. Her teeth bit on her lip hard, feeling her grip slip from his as the tides of time crashed into her, making her feel so small and insignificant. She didn't matter. No one mattered, not in the constant flow of time.
"Everyone means something." He answered softly.
"To what?" she countered. "What do we mean to others? We'll just disappear and history will change with time, we'll all be forgotten and nothing to remind others of us…I…" she trailed off to keep her voice in check, to keep the rest of her tears back. She was slipping, within moments she'd be lost in time just like the others, unwillingly to fight back and be a rock that the tides could beat upon. Only Time Lords were like that, and they were all gone, save one who was slipping and willingly to admit into the flow of time.
"I'll just become a ghost….a figment that walks back and forth inside and out of time, nothing more…." Her voice echoed his statement. Her hands slowly moved from his, admitting defeat. She wasn't strong enough to stand against time, she was just a shop girl who had her job destroyed and her life turned around. It wouldn't matter to anyone within the next few years.
His hands grabbed hers, startling her. She looked up; his eyes were fierce with determination that had been suddenly found. His hands guided her close, resting her head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, head resting against hers. Her hands found their way around his back, clutching onto his frame for support and strength that had been stolen from her. He held to her tightly, reassuring her he would not let her fall into the ocean and let her drown away into the ever shifting and moving tides.
"It matters." His voice echoed her statement. "You're absolutely right Rose Tyler, it matters." He pulled his head back, looking down at her as she looked up at him. "It means something to us. It'll stand out in time for us, even if history doesn't record it. You and me, we're falling through time, against the flow, back and forth. Just you and me." His forehead found hers and he closed his eyes, holding her tightly. Rose found herself no longer clutching, but being held to him.
Rose smiled, giving a twitch and a stifled giggle. He pulled up slightly, opening his eyes and blinked. Rose brought her hand up to his face, and moved his bangs from his forehead. He was perplexed over the matter, she wondered if he'd ever get used to her fidgeting with his longer hair. It dawned on him why she was giggling and he rolled his eyes at her girlish sense of humor. Heavens above forbid his hair be tickling her. He brought his hand to her face, moving the few tears that slid down her face off with one swift motion of his thumb.
"You're awfully warm." He mused softly, moving his hand from her cheek to her forehead, putting it against the skin and under the hair that had found its way into her face. A frown came to his lips and he tilted his head, looking her over. "You're a bit pale too, more than normal. Rose are you feeling alright?"
She nodded. He sighed; maybe the regeneration effects were starting to come on again. She noticed and took the hand from her forehead and held it tightly, assuring him that she'd be with him no matter how hard the tides decided to roar. He smiled at her and began to lead her back to the TARDIS, glancing down at her as she smiled back and put her head against his arm, a child in a toy store was the reflection given off by her eyes.
He raised their hands and kissed the top of hers, offering one of his dashing smirks. Rose laughed, it was just another change she found in him, besides his accent that had shifted slowly. She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed again, putting her head against his arm. The footsteps they left in the snow would stay until the next blanket overlapped them, disappearing in time.