Not A Pretty Girl: Alchemy Dream
Okay, well, no one said they were bored, so off I go again. Thank you all for your reviews, they are as always, appreciated and fun to read.
Summary: Okay, so J.T. earned a 1-Up with the pranking and making Emma smile, but Emma begins to wonder if she's lost her priorities. She's coming up on being 16 weeks now. Almost halfway through her term. Meanwhile, Jay is trying his best to disregard J.T., deciding that Emma can do whatever the hell she wants. But do his actions suggest the same mentality?
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Jay quietly unlocked the front door, holding the end of the keys to keep them from jangling. Turning the lock, he crept into the house, immediately looking on the DVD player for the time.
4:30 a.m.
He winced to himself. His brother had always been lenient, but not this lenient. He kicked his shoes off, deciding that it would be best to move with socks on the hardwood entrance rather than his clunky sneakers. Closing the door, he began walking towards what he thought was the hallway, in the dark. He could hear the wind causing their little house to groan. As he reached the opening to the narrow hallway, he was blinded by light. After allowing his retinas to adjust, he turned, holding and arm up to block some of the light. Shawn laid on the couch, outstretched to the table lamp. He was fully dressed, and he looked angry. He looked at Jay for a minute, expecting some sort of explanation, or apology, but getting nothing, spoke.
"You know what time I got home tonight, Jay?" Jay sighed. Shawn was in the mood for a knockdown drag out fight.
"What time?" Jay said.
"12:45. Do you know what time I go to work today, Jay?"
"No..."
"6:00." Shawn looked at Jay for a minute. "I stayed up all NIGHT waiting for you. I didn't know what happened! You won't answer your goddamn phone, either!" he shouted.
"Look, I'm sorry, Shawn."
"What the hell is going on with you? Where's your head! I laid down the rule. 12:00 a.m., you are home. Here. Not out on the highway, not with your friends, but here, at my home, that I pay for every month!"
"Why? You're always out at night, what difference does it make?" Jay spat, turning to go to his room. Shawn jumped up from the sofa and chased Jay halfway down the hall, before spinning him around.
"Because I have to be, Jay. To pay these bills. I have to be." Jay looked at Shawn. Shawn was never able to hang onto a girlfriend, since he was always gone at night working to afford their small house. The girls always decided that Shawn loved working on cars more than working on their relationship, and never questioned his reasons. Marissa was the latest bailer, leaving the Hogart 'home' over the summer. Jay had felt bad for both of them, Marissa for having to eat can ravioli every night that he cooked, because Shawn was still at work, and Shawn because of how she had left, keying his El Camino and trashing the little house before leaving without a goodbye. In Shawn's eyes were the hopes for a better future, for him and Jay. Jay knew this. He knew that Shawn and his mom were the only ones who didn't think he was a lost cause. Jay pulled off his parka and slumped into the cushy brown velvet chair in their living room. On the table was half of a cold turkey sandwich. Shawn sat on the sofa, sighing.
"Look, Jay...I'm sorry, it's just..." Jay took a deep breath and spoke.
"I have a girlfriend."
"Well, okay...I'm glad." Shawn said, matter-of-factly. "Alex?"
"No. Not Alex. Emma."
"Wasn't that a chick flick? Alex & Emma?" Shawn's mind wandered to which ex he'd seen that with. "Clarisa?"
"No, Amanda, I think. Anyways." Jay continued. "We uh, we went all the way. Last spring, after the graduation ceremony. We had hooked up before, and abstained from seeing each other, but it just...felt right. It's weird, I thought she hated me."
"Does she?" Shawn said, lighting a cigarette.
"You know, even now...I don't know." Jay pulled out his own cigarette. "Gimme a light" he said, the cigarette bouncing between his lips as he spoke. Shawn tossed him the lighter.
"You need to stop smoking. Don't get like me. It's tough to quit."
"So she gets outta Degrassi, I find out by chance, and when I do..." Jay hesitated, blowing the grey smoke out of his lips, coughing a little. It had been a while. Shawn urged him on.
"She's pregnant." Jay looked down, afraid to meet Shawn's gaze.
"Some other dude knocked her up?" Shawn said, incredulously.
"No, you retard, I did!" he shouted. His brother looked at him blankly. Jay's guess on the Shawn-emotiometer was halfway between furious and concerned. After a long silence, he spoke.
"What are we gonna do, man?" Jay put the butt out in the empty ashtray, running a trembling hand through his dirty brown hair.
"I don't know, Shawn, I mean, I know I have to get a job, but like, where can we live? How can I help her with the medical costs and stuff? How am I gonna graduate when there's no one to help take care of it?"
"Well, you can live here if you need to, but what about her folks?"
"They hate me. They don't even know that I gave her gonorrhea, and if they ever find out..."
"Gonorrhea! I didn't even know about that! Did you get treated?" Shawn shouted.
"Yeah, I used that check mom sent." His heart fell, remembering those few months last spring, when he was universally hated for bullying Rick, and soiling his relationship with Alex and Emma both. Jay looked out the window, his top lip shaking, barely noticeable. Shawn walked over and put an arm around his terrified baby brother. For once, he saw Jay as vulnerable and confused, scared and alone. Trying to keep his composure, Jay spoke.
"I..she doesn't even want me around, but I have to fork out all this cash. She doesn't even want me, and..." Shawn brought him a glass of water from the kitchen.
"Shawn?" Shawn nodded.
"I don't want to have a kid."
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Pulling her grey VRA shirt on, Emma stood in the shower room pre-volleyball match. She had been looking forward to this all day. The real match against Porter Girl's Catholic School was coming up in a month, and she needed the practice. Also, after Tuesday's incident with Jay, she needed a way to rid herself of the pent up frustration. Pulling her skirt off and folding it neatly with her cardigan and shirt, she stuffed them into her small locker with her shoes and socks and purse. Lindsay, Rowan and Irene huddled at the sink, sharing turns with the waterproof mascara and sunblock. Emma rolled her eyes.
"Hey, guys, we're the only ones still in here. Let's go, it's not even that sunny outside." She looked at the clock. 11:42.
"Yeah, but like, you can get UV rays through the clouds that are just as damaging to your skin as when then sun is up at noon." Rowan said, putting on lip gloss in front of the mirror.
"Yeah, but isn't a tanning bed just as bad? Emma said, smiling.
"Who says I tan? I'm just naturally dark."
"That isn't what your boyfriend told me." Emma retorted, smirking. Lindsay gasped and busted out laughing. Rowan smiled, good humouredly.
"Bitch."
She had gotten used to the girls and their wit. Especially Rowan, who hated her at first. She had learned to fight fire with fire. Irene put her hand up for a high five. Emma was about to comply when her locker beeped. She strode over, turning the combination, and fished through her purse for her little flip phone.
1 New Message.
Emma opened the message, smiling as she read.
Lunch on the steps with the old
crew. Want me to pick you up? - J.T.
She bit her lip. Punching
the buttons, she replied.
You bet.
"Emma, you goodie-two-shoes, you coming? Irene shouted, emerging out into the sand court with the other team mates. Emma looked at her, and nodded 'no.'
"No, got other plans for lunch." she smiled and quickly got dressed.
"Your boyfriend?" Irene asked, before getting decked in the gut with the ball. In the distance, she heard Rowan shouting angrily. Suddenly, Emma had a bad feeling in her stomach, her smile disappearing. Why did she keep forgetting about Jay? Was it because he just wasn't ever around? Or was it because she was running away from him when he was?
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Jay shuffled his feet as he went through the line, grabbing his usual pudding and chocolate milk. He knew he should start eating better, but he needed some sugar to keep him awake after his all nighter. He had driven around the TO area, just thinking, grabbing coffee from convenience stores, visiting the tourist station and grabbing tons of little brochures to look at. He had met his old friend Josh at an all night diner, and talked about nothing. Josh had been a friend from back in Montreal who used to be his pot hook-up, until Jay had quit last month. He had wanted to see Josh, mostly to confirm what he didn't want to be, which was a 24 year old drug trafficker with an eternal five o'clock shadow. Just looking at him made Jay want to take a shower. He waved goodbye to Josh around 3:00 a.m., and drove around, finally heading home around 4:00 a.m. He was a wreck. A sharp elbow jabbed his side as he reached into his coat to pay for his meager sugar fix.
"Hey, did you get my message? Practice at my place around 5:00. You there?" Craig pushed his tray towards the register, speaking faster than Jay could comprehend. He turned to look at him, momentarily forgetting what Craig was talking about. Craig saw this and spoke.
"Uh, band practice, dude. Remember, you agreed to it last Tuesday."
"What's today?" Jay asked, confused.
"Uh, Monday. Are you okay, man?" Jay gritted his teeth, wondering why he'd wanted to do this.
"Yeah. What equipment you got?"
"I got a Kurzweil...it's a little old, but it's programmable and it's really good for sampling."
"Who's all coming?"
"Well, I'm playing guitar, I got Marco to work the bass, and uh...you."
"That it?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, princess, this ain't a lounge. Move along.", said lunch lady, in her characteristically crotchety manner.
"No drums?" Jay paid and got out of the line, letting Craig pay.
"No drums. Hey, but we can program the keyboard."
"No, man, we gotta have drums."
"Well, if you can find us a drummer, then I'm all for it." Craig balanced the tray in one hand and pulled out a map to his house, handing it to Jay.
"Gotta go. 5, okay? I'll bring some chips or something." With that, Craig went to go sit with his posse, hoping Jimmy didn't notice him and Jay.
Jay looked around the cafe, trying to find a place he fit in. So many people had come and gone at Degrassi. He noticed the popular table had replaced Ashley Kerwin with Alex. She was now best friends with Ellie and Marco. Amy sat with the outcasts. He didn't want to be near her. He noticed the geek squad was nowhere to be seen. Of course, we speak of J.T., Toby and Manny. Deciding he didn't fit anywhere, he turned to go eat lunch in his usual spot. The front steps.
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Emma laid back on the front steps on her elbows, eating her sack lunch. Manny laid her head in Emma's lap staring at the clouds that were beginning to clear.
"That one looks like a begonia."
"What's a begonia?" J.T. asked her, taking a bite out of his cold pop tart, searching for the cloud in question.
"It's a flower. I figure you'd know, since you can sew and bake." Emma joked. He punched her in the knee, and she pushed him over. Toby laughed a little.
"Does anyone want this pie?" he asked, pulling out a piece of lemon meringue pie. An arm clad in a black sleeve reached down and grabbed it.
"Mmm. I do. I love pie." Toby looked back, wide-eyed, to see Jay, looking particularly scary, what with the dark circles and all. He jumped, scooting further away by instinct. Jay took a bite and smiled. "Mmm, this is great Issacs. Did your mom make it, or your girlfriend?" he said, mussing J.T.'s hair roughly, antagonistically. Emma felt embarrassed, and shot back at him.
"Stop it, Jay. Leave him alone." Jay looked at her, his eyes wide in mock surprise.
"Oh! Emma, I didn't even see
you! Wait a minute! Don't you go to Volta
Redonda Girl's Academy?
Then...then why are you here? To see your boyfriend?" He shot an
angry glare at J.T., who shot one right back.
"She can see
whoever she wants." he said.
"Shut the fuck up, J. Crew. This is between Greenpeace and me." he said, purposely using the outdated nickname she hated.
"I thought I was your boyfriend, Emma. I thought you wanted that. You asked me to be there." Emma looked at J.T., embarrassed.
"Jay, can we please go somewhere..."
"No, I want him to hear me." the anger in his voice died down. He sighed, glancing around at the group who was looking on. He reached into his pocket and took out a crumpled folded slip of paper from his wallet. "Look, I'm just...I'm tired. If you don't want what you asked for, fine. Here's some money, use it as you see fit, and just...call me if you need me or whatever. Bye, Emma." Jay got up, cramming the rest of the pie into his mouth. As he walked away, he pulled his keys out of his pocket to leave. Manny looked at Emma strangely, nodding her head towards the building. Emma picked up her bag and followed Manny to the girls' washroom without a word to J.T. or Toby.
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"Okay, so you asked him to be your boyfriend, Em, but you'd rather be with J.T.?"
"I didn't really ask him, I just sorta implied that it was the right thing to do. I mean, he got me pregnant, Manny!"
"Well still, I mean, he's Jay, the lowest denominator of pathetic loser, but still, he has pride. If he, Jay Hogart, agreed to be your boyfriend, and you go hanging all over J.T., of course he's going to be pissed." Manny pulled her shiny black hair into a bun and watched her best friend as she fiddled with the faucets. On and off, on and off. Emma didn't speak as tears fell from her eyes. Manny walked over, her brown clogs clicking and echoing in the washroom, to Emma, putting a comforting arm around her shoulder.
"Look, Em, I know what you're going through. I mean, I didn't get as far as you have, I mean, how far are you?"
"Sixteen weeks. And two days." Manny smiled, knowing how meticulous Emma was. Try as she might, she couldn't hide the fact that she was shaken by the pregnancy.
"You can't run from it, Emma. You decided to keep it, didn't you?"
Emma nodded, reaching up to wipe away a tear.
"Well, do you want Jay to be the father? Or do you want to raise it on your own?"
"No...I've thought about it, and I don't want to continue the Nelson legacy." She let out a sarcastic laugh.
"Well, do you want him? I mean...do you..."
"Love him?" Emma offered. Staring into her own eyes in the dusty mirror. She thought about how many times she'd been in this exact washroom over the last 5 years, pining over some boy. First Sean, then Craig, then Sean again. After that came the Chris period, and finally, last spring, her Jay phase.
Only it hadn't been a phase. It flooded back to her now, standing at the exact same sink.
"I think I do, Manny."
"But he gave you gonorrhea, got you pregnant...are you sure?" Manny said softly.
"Well, I was a player in those 'activities' too. I couldn't get pregnant without, well, you know, having sex with him. And you know, Manny? I don't regret it." Manny looked at her incredulously.
"Why not?" Emma picked her bag up.
"Do you still love Craig?" Emma asked, randomly. Manny blushed. Emma had hit the target.
"Then you understand." Manny looked away, deciding to avert attention back to Emma.
"Well, Em? What are you gonna go? He didn't look too happy with you." Emma pushed the washroom door open and began walking to the front of the school, hoping Snake wouldn't see her.
"I don't know, but I think it's time we had a long talk." she said, walking with her friend into the warm sunshine.
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Jay was already irritable from his practice with Craig and the fairy when he got the text.
Need to talk. Come to my house tonite at 10. Come around to side – theres a window at your feet.
The last thing he wanted to do was talk (argue) with Emma. He just wanted to go home and take a long nap. Like, one that would last about 20 years. But he had said to her that he would be there if she called. Slipping into his seat, he started his car, turning the stereo all the way up. Regardless of his mood, it should be noted that he bought two chocolate milks at the convenience store after he got the message.
He felt the bass massage his butt through the seat, and leaned his seat back, resting for a minute. Pulling out his Trig book, he stared at the problems, wondering again why he'd decided to take an upper level math course when he could have just gotten away with a cheese class.
Maybe Emma can help.
Jay tried to shake his conscience away. He lit another cigarette.
You know you want to see her. And you should stop smoking.
'You're the fucking reason I have to smoke.', he said out loud to himself.
Haha, you dork, you're a mess.
Jay revved his motor, frustrated, and looked at the clock.
9:55 p.m.
Well, it's now or never. Time to decide.
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Emma laid on her bed, looking at the clock. Her parents had gone to sleep a couple of hours ago in front of the TV watching Lifetime. She had snuck out to make some popcorn when she'd seen Spike holding on to Snake as some random girl was dying from cancer. Snake was almost in tears. She had laughed at him to herself for a moment before remembering why he was probably crying. He had almost died from cancer. Sometimes Emma forgot that he was more than an intruder in her family. He was a real life human being with feelings and fears. She looked in the mirror at herself.
She had thought it was strange, she wasn't even showing yet. She almost didn't feel pregnant anymore. She wasn't really concerned about it though. She was still slender, her skin still tan and healthy. She was dressed in a pair of boxer shorts and a white tank top. Walking over to the nightstand, she picked up her little tub of face cleaning pads and began to wipe her face down. Just then, she heard a light tapping at her window. Walking over to the window, she undid the latch and opened the hatch. She looked up to see Jay handing her one of the two half gallons of chocolate milk.
"Hey." she said, taking the jug. "Thanks. Come in. Oh, and be quiet, my parents don't know you're here. Where did you park?" Emma stretched her hand out to help him into her bedroom. Jay took her hand, sliding under the window onto the crate she had propped under it.
"On the curb, a few houses down, didn't look like they were home. I uh, brought a trig book, I need some help and I figured you could do this crap." Emma smiled.
"Why are you taking trig?"
"I'm good in math. I'm pretty bad at everything else, but math is...objective, so I know I'm either right or wrong most of the time." Emma nodded.
"That makes sense. I uh, made some popcorn." Jay sat down on her bed instead, looking at her.
"So, what's up that you'd call li'l ole me?" Emma took a seat next to him and gathered words.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry. For the way I've acted. It wasn't right that I demanded you to be with me somehow and then spent all my time with J.T." Jay went into wounded-pride mode.
"Yeah, well, if you love him..." Jay snorted.
"I love you."
Jay looked at Emma in shock. Did she just say...what he thought she did? She loved him? His jaw fell, and his voice cracked as he spoke.
"You love me?"
"Yeah, I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't. I mean really..." she looked into his blue eyes. "You haven't slept, have you?"
"I'm fine." Jay yawned and leaned back on her bed, mentally relaxing when his big hard head made contact with her soft pink coconut scented pillow. Her room was exactly what he had always thought, warm, comforting, Emma. "I was thinking, have you seen a doctor yet?"
"No, not yet. My mom's pressing me, but...I wanted you to come too. I want you to be part of it all." Jay suppressed a groan for her sake.
"Can you get an ultrasound yet?" Emma smiled at the thought of seeing her baby inside her with Jay for the first time. A lot of times, for men, a baby is an intangible idea, something they can ignore, until they see it on the screen, feel it kick, see the belly (which she didn't have).
"Yeah, I could have gotten one months ago. I'm already almost halfway through the pregnancy, Jay." Jay looked panicked.
"I haven't found a job yet, I mean, I wanna work at the Dot, but I thought I'd see if I could get a job at an auto shop first, but...I'll do that soon. What about insurance?"
"Do we have to worry about that? I mean, I'm still a minor, and so are you until your birthday. When is your birthday, anyways?" She laid down next to him.
"February 12th. I guess we can go over that later, I mean, we're covered for now, and my car insurance isn't too much, since I've been driving for a couple of years and I've never had an accident." Emma shifted to look at him.
"What if it's a girl?" she smiled.
"I dunno, what if? There are only two choices."
"No, I mean, what would we name it? We should start getting prepared." Jay smiled and pushed her over.
"Why do you get to worry about the fun stuff?" Emma laughed softly.
"No, really. What would you name her?"
"I dunno, what would you name a boy?" Emma thought for a minute, looking at the stack of books on her desk.
"Jason Taylor Nelson." she stated.
"Not 'Jason Taylor Hogart'? He kidded.
"That would mean that you'd be my husband."Jay pretended to be repulsed.
"Eww, 'Jason Taylor Nelson' it is." Jay poked her in the side. "I've got it."
"What?" Emma said.
"A name for a girl." Emma urged him on. " Ember. Ember Rhiannon."
"Ember Rhiannon Nelson...that's really nice. I hope it's a girl." Emma looked at him, her brown eyes full of excitement, for the first time. Jay noticed and smiled.
"I want popcorn." He got up and grabbed the popcorn. Under the bowl was a book, upside down, holding a page no doubt. He picked it up, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
"The Tayo Te Ching?" he inquired. "What's this?" He took his seat back next to her.
"Oh, it's for my Spiritual Studies class at VRA. I'm studying Taoism. I have a book on Shinto, too, but I haven't read it yet."
"Lost me at Taoism." He skimmed the book.
"Well, this guy, Lao Tzu formed this school of thought that went against the Confucianists, or as I call them, the Confusionists, and the Buddhists, saying that the problem with mankind was not that they weren't in sync with heaven, as the Confucianists thought, or that we were attached to desires and worldly things and needed to suffer more, as Buddha taught, but that we were not obeying the laws of nature, we were obeying the laws of man. See, 'Tao' means 'the way', and 'Te' means 'Virtue'. He said not to turn away from the 'world of dust', but to become one with the 'dust of the world'. I love the writings. In fact, you're kinda like the uncarved block our uh, teacher told us about."
"So you're saying I'm stupid?" Jay said.
"No, I'm saying you're simple-minded."
"I knew it, you are saying I'm stupid." He tossed a pillow on her, and went back to skimming the verses. Emma groaned in irritation. "I like this one." Jay began to read the verse out loud.
Because he is constantly filling his being with nonbeing, he can
travel the wilds without worrying about tigers or wild buffalo, or he can
cross a battlefield without armor or weapon.
No tiger can claw him.
No buffalo can gore him.
No weapon can pierce him.
Why is this so?
Because he has died, there isn't any more room for death in him.
"That's beautiful." Emma said, crawling under her blankets.
"What are you doing?" Jay asked, putting the book down.
"Going to bed. I'm cold." Jay looked at her in mock annoyance. He removed his brown hoodie and tossed it at her. She smiled, and slid it on over her tank top. It was big, warm and roomy. "You staying the night?" Jay looked at her, taking a drink of the chocolate milk.
"You want me to?" he asked, slipping under the warm, pink covers with her. Her bed was big enough for him to stretch out a little, which he did. He laughed as she shut the light out, watching the glow-in-the-dark stars come into view on the ceiling.
"I asked you, didn't I?" she shuffled around, getting comfy, setting her alarm.
"I dunno, I'll say I will, and you'll have J.T. in here sleeping in my spot." he joked. Her fist cam pounding down on his stomach and he groaned. "Joking!"
"So can I take you to the doctor, maybe next week?"
"Yeah, sure. Go to sleep."
"Is there something they can give you to minimize moodiness?" Another soft blow came into contact, this time on his shoulder.
"Jeez, night." He buried humself in the blankets next to Emma for a much deserved night of sleep.
Emma smiled as she inhaled his scent on the hoodie, the musky smell of sandalwood, smoke, soap and waterfalls she had dreamed of.
This is how it's supposed to be.
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Just as an extra, there are the songs that have sorta inspired each chapter, Thought maybe you'd be interested, since I haven't really made them songfics. Some of the choices are funny, I think, I mean, Bobby Brown!
Chapter 1 - "We're Going To Be Friends" - The White Stripes
Chapter 2 - "Coming Up" - Ani Difranco
Chapter 3 - "Milkshake" - Kelis
Chapter 4 - "Something For Windy" - Bonobo
Chapter 5 - "Love Thing" - Joe Satriani
Chapter 6 - "Portions For Foxes" - Rilo Kiley
Chapter 7 - "Collide" - Howie Day
Chapter 8 - "It's Been Awhile" - Staind
Chapter 9 - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy
Chapter10 - "Don't Be Cruel" - Bobby Brown
Chapter11 - "As Lovers Go" - Dashboard Confessional
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Hope you liked it! I'm so tired, I'm gonna post this and go to sleep also. As always, let me know what you think! XOXO