Not A Pretty Girl

by alchemy dream

Transferred to an all girl's school for the fall, Emma follows her hushhush pregnancy stuck between peace, J.T., and passion, Jay, with spiritual help from the Tao. What path will she ultimately choose?

13. Heartbeat

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

A/N: I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed. I really appreciate it. I know this is a bad point in the story, but after this chapter, I will take a bit of a break from it for a few reasons.

-I've gotten kind of outdone with this story. I feel frustrated and burnt out on it right now, so I hope that this chapter won't suck. I do have every intention to finish this story, don't worry. But right now it seems very daunting, as it will in all likelihood be at least 10 more chapters to the finish. After a little while, I will begin again when it's a little fresher in my mind.

-I'm starting school very soon, and I really need to devote a great deal of energy towards the first couple of weeks. I imagine that once I know what to expect with my classes, things will plateau off a little, and I can enjoy non-priority things again.

-I am planning on pursuing a new genre of fanfiction that I've dreamed of : Star Wars. Yes, I am a hopeless Star Wars geek. If you are interested, and are pro-slash, or slash-tolerable, then look out for it! I'd be way thrilled if any of you read/reviewed it. I've got a couple of one-shots in mind. I hope to post the first before next week.

I thank you for your patience, truly. Enjoy the chapter, and as always, let me know what you think! Next chapter will possibly be the start of the 'M' rating, so be warned. Love you guys! XOXO - Sarah

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

4:44 a.m.

She shuffled her bare feet under the sheets, seeking the cool spots on the sweaty mattress. After a few tedious moments passed, Emma held a staring contest with the alarm clock, willing it to turn to another minute, another hour.

4:45 a.m.

She sighed loudly, grabbing a nearby ball of fluff from the little basket on her floor. Holding the animal up to the light, the moon illuminated Mr. Crispy, her old stuffed dolphin. He had been deemed Mr. Crispy after he had been set on fire during an environmental display for the science fair of 1996. A group of elementary school bullies had thought her display of the water's ecosystem was unworthy of receiving third place, and had crammed the stuffed dolphin (then 'Mr. Squeak') into Kristopher Kolar's volcano display and had used a lighter to create fireworks. Emma had cried for hours, scrubbing the 'lava' from his glass eyes, re-stuffing where the fire had ripped down one side. One side ended up Crispier than the other, and it became a mutant dolphin. Spike had insisted the thing go in the garbage, but instead, Emma hid him amongst her other stuffed toys from the past.

The silence was unbearable.

"Mr. Crispy, what am I gonna do...I can't sleep." She stared deep into the dolphin's glass eye (a pink button replaced the other).

"Call him." a transparent voice said tenderly.

Emma opened her eyes as wide as saucers. Had Mr. Crispy just spoken to her! Was she that tired? She shook the dolphin, waiting stupidly for it to speak again, but it was silent.

I'm imagining things...I'm imagining things...

The dolphin had a strange wild grin on its mutated face. Emma shivered and quickly shoved it under her bed, readjusting her blankets and turning to look again at the clock.

4:51 a.m.

She reached over and clicked her lamp on, wincing when the light flooded the silent room. She sat up in bed and stretched her long legs, yawning. She hadn't slept all night, and she had an appointment today. Deep inside, she wished the whole thing would just come and pass, get it over with so she could resume life. She was excited and fearful all at once.

Groaning aloud, she flung herself back on the bed. Again, she looked at the clock. Jay's last words hung in her mind.

"Just call me."

Emma bit her lip and reached over for her cell phone on the night stand. She flipped open the top, not forgetting to look at the time again, and then accessing her phone book, pressing 'enter' on Jay's name. For what seemed like hours, his number looked back at her on the phone, her finger hovering in anticipation over the 'send' key. She grew frustrated with herself and quickly snapped it shut, looking at it in her hands, and repeating the process.

He probably won't even answer.

He'll probably hang up, if he does...

Closing her eyes, she tapped the key, and listened as the phone rang.

It rang.

It rang.

It...

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Jay's blue eyes shot open as a loud noise jolted him into consciousness. He blinked for a moment, raising up on his elbows in his bed, swearing loudly. He reached blindly into his jacket pocket on the floor. Immediately the room was illuminated a little by the glowing white caller ID. Being that he couldn't make out the number on the phone through his sleep-laden eyes anyways, he pressed a button and groaned into the receiver.

"Mm..yeah?" he breathed.

"Jay, hi. I didn't think you'd answer." Jay grimaced and looked at the clock, trying to see the numbers, to no avail.

"Emma. Why did you call if you didn't think I'd answer?" he asked, logic coming back to him. There was silence on her end as she attempted to formulate an answer. Jay sighed.

"Never mind. What time is it?"

"Uhm..hold on. It's 4:59." she said sheepishly. Jay rolled his eyes. He choked back a snort.

"You nervous?" he asked her.

"Do you think you can come pick me up?" she said.

"Yeah, I told you I would. When?"

"Now."

"Now? Emma it's five in the morning!" Jay whined.

"I know, but...maybe we could drive around for a while."

"The appointment's not until two-something." Jay sighed, and shuffled about, propelling himself out of the bed. "What about your folks?" He picked up a pair of khakis that hung from the drawer. He was used to dressing in the dark.

"I'll sneak out. They won't know."

"Yeah they will, Em, you have to get past them to go to school, remember?" Jay said. He heard a long, drawn out sigh on her end and grinned. "Hey, hey. You're the boss. Gimme 10, ok?"

"Okay. Thanks. I uh..."

"Hmm?" Jay said, concentrating on the gentle hum of the fan above his head.

"Love you."

A moment passed and she hung up. Jay stared at the lit up phone for a moment, stunned. That wasn't fair.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The streets in Toronto were practically empty at this hour, a few early morning commuters speeding down the roads, headlights washing everything in white and yellow. Jay vigorously rubbed his face, trying to wake up, while shifting gears, adjusting the air temperature, choosing the radio station, simultaneously.

He pulled to the curb across the street from Emma's house, flickering the headlights, knowing she wouldn't see them from the angle he was parked at, but, well...it made him feel conspicuous like a spy. And he liked that.

A figure came padding quietly across the dewy lawn in the dark, and slipped into the seat, a vibrant smile on her face. She smiled at his disheveled face.

"Good morning."

"Hmph." he grunted, but then smirked a little bit. "Breakfast?"

"Why yes! Yes, I would love breakfast, how gentlemanly of you." Jay looked at her, noting the sarcasm, and nodded.

"So, are you awake?" Emma said, straightening her grey long corduroy skirt out, and propping her boots on the dash.

"Hey! I'm awake enough to know I don't want your feet on my newly waxed dashboard. Put those down." When she resisted, he pulled them off himself, nearly hitting another garbage can. Emma giggled a little.

"Are you awake?" he said.

"Yeah...I have been all night." Jay looked over at her, mildly concerned.

"Don't worry, Emma. It'll all be fine. Just chill."

"I never thought you'd be trying to comfort me." Emma said, trying to hide the smile creeping over her lips.

"Me either." He turned in to the first diner he saw with a neon 'open' sign and parked.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

After eating, the two sped up and down the roads, stopped to re-fuel, and fought over the radio station, finally making their way out of the suburbs onto the highway. The tentative couple seemed for the first time in history to be in perfect sync. Perhaps it was the waves of fatique that came over them that made them mentally desperate to just get along for one day, or perhaps there really was more there than either gave the 'relationship' credit for.

Emma pulled her feet into the seat and leaned back, enjoying the moment of peace. She enjoyed the feel of the cool headrest against her cheek as she looked out the window, the gentle blowing of the heat coming from the vents. The hum of traffic provided the background noise to her thoughts. The landscape of the highway whirred by, and the low sun was barely breaking through the treeline, creating an orange streak in motion across the sky.

There was a time, when everybody was around and I was dancing with you.

We all went down to the party Friday night and had a drink or two.

A what a hit, of your loving heartbeat, it's electricity!

Majestic sound! 'Round and 'round and 'round, glad you're next to me.

Feel my heartbeat, trembling to the beat like a symphony...

Feel my heartbeat, trembling to the beat like a melody...

A thumping dance song came on the station Emma had chosen (it had been her turn, after all) and she sang aloud with a light warble that was always slightly off-key, but still delicate and well, pretty. Jay looked over at her, the girl who had been the passenger in his car, the passenger who caused him all this trouble, for months. The only one he had wanted to be around, and he didn't know why. Her blonde hair drifted out the window, her toe tapping to the beat that made his bass rumble against the sound of air rushing in the car. She had a smile on her face, her brown eyes warm and tender, sleepy and aloof.

He couldn't put his finger on what it was exactly that made him feel so helpless. Perhaps the loose and shaky bond they had formed had been all due to that face that she was pregnant with his kid. That when he stepped in that office with her, it would all be decided, the fate would be sealed. He would be a father.

The connection had been formed.

They had been linked.

How iniquitous it all seemed, to have five minutes of good sex without a condom, and end up linked to another human being you didn't care all that much for at the time, for life.

A simple act had changed everything, the course of three lives.

A boy who drifted from one thrill to another without any responsibility, but to his car, who had put very little thought into the concept of the future.

A girl who was worlds apart from him in mental makeup, a girl who had come close to him in all the wrong ways, in what she considered the 'mistake of a decade', and now was being thrust just as violently into adulthood without warning.

A child whose existence may or may not be welcomed at this point, who may or may not have a good home, good parents...

He longed to break into her mind, see if she was as scared as he was deep down. He felt the need to say something, the search for words wasn't easy.

"Emma," Jay breathed.

"Yeah?" she said casually.

"Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" she questioned, glancing at him before directing her gaze back out the window. Jay focused on the diminishing tree line and road in the rear view mirror.

"That you uh, loved me." Emma stared thoughtfully at him.

"Yeah, I did."

"Well, you shouldn't." His voice grew rough.

"Why? They're my feelings, Jay."

"Because I'm not...you know, good for you." Emma looked at him, surprised. "Well, I mean, look at what happened last year."

"It was a mistake we both made, and every action has consequences." He scowled. This wasn't right, this was the part where she agreed, he retorted, and they both volleyed insults back and forth. Instead, she was being...mature. Damn her.

"Well, I don't think it was a mistake."

"Pardon me?" she said, incredulously. Jay swallowed, again, looking for the right thing to say.

"You're here now, aren't you?" he looked briefly at her, with bright blue eyes, before turning his attention back to the road.

"What?" he groaned internally. She was determined to make him elaborate.

"It's uh, open to interpretation." Emma smiled, knowingly and looked away, satisfied.

They made their way into lower metropolitan Toronto toward the lake shore. The dawn had broken about an hour ago, and the traffic was becoming heavier. Jay pulled to the curb by the lake front park. He looked at Emma, who held a questioning gleam in her eyes.

"I'm tired." he said, yawning.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

"Are you going to go to college?" Emma asked Jay as they laid on his jacket. She dug her peach coloured fingertips into the wet, dark sand, idly enjoying the crunchy feeling between her fingers. The peaceful sound of lapping water and joggers panting with their dogs echoed in her mind. The clouds were high, and she was happy it wasn't raining. Jay was silent for a moment, and she thought perhaps he had fallen asleep, until she heard his rustling around.

"I don't think so."

"Why not?" she said, turning onto her elbow to see his face. Above them a bird glided effortlessly against the pink and orange skies. The skies reflected in the glassy surface of his eyes.

"Can't afford it. I mean, my brother and I are pretty much just making it, and whatever cash I get goes to bills and shit."

"What about your parents?" Emma never knew Jay had a brother.

"My mom, she sends me and Shawn a check every month."

"What about your dad?" Emma asked, prodding deeper.

"I don't have a father." he said, annoyed.

"I didn't know." Emma said softly. Maybe there was a lot about Jay she didn't know.

"Because I didn't tell you." he snapped. Emma took the hint and laid back down, flat on the jacket-covered sand. Jay cleared his throat and spoke again.

"Well, with the kid and all, I don't think either of us can for a while." Emma felt sadness tug at her heart. She had wanted to go to college. She wanted to study to be a biologist. Maybe even teach. Since she was so opinionated and outspoken, Snake had told her she'd make a great instructor.

"I'm sorry." he said after a moment.

"Me too." Emma wiped a tear from her eye, longing for the futures that they could have had. "What would you study?"

"Hmm?"

"If you could go." Emma clarified. Jay turned over onto his stomach and rested his chin on the soft ground.

"I don't know...maybe business...or music."

"Music!" she blurted out. "What do you know about music?"

"I used to play."

"Play what?"

"Music."

"What instrument?" she said, louder, getting annoyed.

"A musical one."

"Damnit, Jay..."

"What?" he defended.

"What did you play?" she asked again.

"I only played for a few years. It doesn't matter, I don't anymore."

"So why do you want to study it?"

"For my mom. She wishes I still played." Jay said, a moment of tenderness creeping out into his voice.

"Oh." Emma got the feeling he was close to her. Silence played between them, and finally, Jay, weary of emotional exploration bullshit and general awake-ness, fell into a light slumber on the beach by the lake. His breathing became even, and Emma knew it was safe. She reached out and brushed her fingers over his cheek, which was warm in sleep. She could feel his breath. She removed his hat, and put it over her own head to shield her from the sun. He blinked a little, but then settled down and resumed his rest.

For the first time, she didn't see Jay Hogart as a life-ruiner, a bastard who had degraded her on many levels, but as a real human being who had made a mistake. He was capable of learning, and though she suspected his pleasant-enough behaviour was simply to pacify her anxiety over the examination, she was finally able to see some humanity in him, something to justify the fact that she, indeed, loved him.

And everything was perfect.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

The ride back to town was tense. Jay and Emma were mostly silent, except when communicating what food they wanted for lunch.

Sitting in the parking lot in front of the Littleton Toronto OB/Gyn building, neither wanted to make the first move to get out of the car. Emma scanned the lot for Snake's little red Mazda, finding it on the far end towards the street. They must be inside, she thought.

Finally, Emma opened the car door, unbuckled her seatbelt, and got up, waiting for Jay to follow suit. Thunder rattled lightly overhead, the rain arriving earlier than had been predicted. She hated fall in TO, it always rained it seemed. At least this year. Jay slid out, and joined Emma at her side, his hand lightly brushing her back, in a gesture he would hope read as comforting. She opened the door and met the mildly accusatory glances of her parents.

"Em, where were you?" Spike said.

"Jay came to pick me up early, I was nervous so we drove around for a while." she stated honestly. Jay was surprised at how mature she sounded. "I'm sorry I made you worry."

"Just go sign in over there at the desk. The doctor said he'd see you as soon as you got in." Snake said, putting an arm around his daughter. He smiled weakly at Jay, who reached his hand out in return. Snake took it and shook it firmly.

"Nervous?" Snake said, trying to make small talk to ease the tension.

"No sir...just anxious to see."

"Gotcha." Snake said.

"Is Em excited?" Spike asked.

"I think she is," Jay said, looking at Emma at the desk talking to the receptionist. "She's pretty nervous. But I'm sure she'll be glad to have this out of the way."

"She paged Dr. Mason, he should be here..." Emma strode up to her family, just as a young man in a white jacket came up to them.
"Miss Nelson?" he asked, hopefully.

"Yes, that's me. You are...?"

"Dr. Mason." He stuck his hand out, and she shook it briefly. "If you'd follow me?" And they did.

"Honey, we're gonna wait in here. Let us know if you need us." Spike said, holding Snake back by the arm.

"But Mom," Emma protested.

"No, you and Jay do this. Don't worry, it's fine. And I wanna see the ultrasound!" Spike said. Emma nodded and felt thankful for her supportive mother. Snake smiled and waved her on. Jay took Emma's hand and they followed the doctor down the corridor into a small examination room.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Jay sat in the small orange chair in the corner of the room, fidgeting with his hands, watching Emma sit on the paper covered leather exam table. The doctor sat on a small rolling stool, looking over some records.

"Now it's time for paperwork. Fun fun." he joked.

"Um, my mom and I filled out the paperwork at the front desk, should I have brought that?"

"No, Miss Nelson, that's all insurance paperwork. We need to document some personal information." he was silent for a moment as he adjusted his glasses. He was young, no older than 30. She suddenly felt uncomfortable.

"When was your last menstrual cycle?" She felt her cheeks irrationally burn with embarrassment that Jay was here, listening to all this.

"Um, late May." The doctor did some configurations in his head.

"You're in your second trimester? Have you had any care before coming here?"

"No, sir." He grunted a response.

"Alright, about your family..."

Dr. Mason proceeded to ask a long list of questions about her family's medical history, about the genetic history of chromosomal disorders. The only thing she had much to say about was Snake's cancer, but the doctor dismissed it since he wasn't her biological father.

"Okay, Miss Nelson, we need to do a pelvic exam, and a physical. Would you like Mr. Hogart to stay? If not, I will ask a nurse to come." Emma blushed.

"No, I'd prefer a nurse." She looked pleadingly at Jay. He felt a bit dejected, but understood why she did it. He would have been furious to see the man poking around inside her. He gave a deathly passing glance to the doctor as he left the room to stand in the hallway, instead of the waiting room where he was instructed to go.

The doctor performed a Pap smear, a culture to check for STDs after learning of the gonorrhea, tested her breasts for cancer, and took her height and weight. He stalked about in the room as she got dressed behind the curtain. When she emerged, he looked at her and took his glasses off.

"You've remained very slim for a pregnant woman." he said, sadly. "Have you had any vaginal bleeding during the course of your pregnancy?" Emma's heart began pounding. Shouldn't he be a little more excited after the money they were paying him, about her pregnancy? She sat on the leather 'couch' and thought.

"Yes, about a month ago, I did, while I was playing volleyball."

"I see." he said, marking the paper.

"What's wrong?"

"Any cramping?" he asked.

"Yes. What's wrong, doctor?"

'Was the cramping followed by the bleeding?"

"Yes.."

"Have you, you know...felt pregnant, for lack of better words?" He asked softly.

"In my head I have, but I mean..." A realization came upon her. "No...I haven't"

He looked down at the papers.

"We need to do an ultrasound." He rose up and gathered his paperwork. "Follow me."

Emma briefly thought of her mother, but dismissed it, as her fears gathered. Jay was standing outside, and followed her wordlessly down the hall. He grabbed her hand, but she shook it off angrily.

Emma laid on the table by the console, having removed her skirt, and pulled her shirt up to the middle of her torso. No need to get carried away since she didn't have a belly. The technician came in to operate it.

Everything was a blur.

The white ceiling, the walls that seemed to close in, her heartbeat that took over.

"Calm, Miss Nelson." The doctor said, assisting the technician. A cold white device glided on to her stomach. Jay stood next to her, looking down into her face. It searched for a clue about what was going on. She just pushed the tears back as the doctor sighed.

She looked at the black screen and let out a sob that confirmed her fears. The doctor spoke softly, sadly.

"There's no heartbeat."

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Well, yes, it sucked big time. It was too fast, the exam scene. I wanted to capture how slowly the wait passed, but how quickly Jay and Emma's world pretty much fell down. This confirms our fears, Emma has had a miscarriage.

I hope I won't lose all of my readers though, because this happens in real life, to real people. The story will be a little dark for a few chapters, but it will get better. Just trust me, I know where I'm going now. It will be interesting to see Jay's reaction to the loss of his baby. And if there were any inconsistencies with the exam and real life, forgive me, I'm not an expert. Oh, and the song featured was "Heartbeat" by Annie.

Stay with me, guys.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII