The throne room doors burst open and Rincewind boldly marched in,

'Your Majesty! I would like to volunteer myself to whatever nasty adventure is in store for Corporal Nobbs and myself.' He declared, then seeing that the King's throne was occupied by the Patrician- someone extremely un-kingly whimpered, '…oh…hello. Where's the king?'

'That's what I been tryn' to tell you Wizzard!' Nobby roared and followed him into the room, 'King Carrot is missing! M I S E N G!' he spelt the word so incorrectly that even he felt like something he had said was wrong- and that was not often,

'Good day Rincewind, Nobby.' The Patrician smiled with all the pleasing cheer of a polar bear in the desert,

'Not really, your birds shat on me again today, Mr Vetinari sir.'

'Please, call me Havelock.' Lord Vetinari asked him but Rincewind knew he definitely would not,

'Anyway- you were saying Rincewind?'

'Well, I was going to volunteer myself for the mission… but you're here so that means it will be dangerous… possibly involving the Dungeon Dimensions…'

'Why would you volunteer yourself anyway Rincewind? You don't seem to me like the charity type.'

Rincewind rolled his eyes as if he had explained his reasoning many times before,

'This is how I work when confronted with danger. First- I run. Second- I Hide in a cargo crate. Then as my luck would have it I will be loaded onto the ship or whatever the mode of transport is and end up on an annoying adventure anyway. So I says to myself, Why not skip the lot and simply volunteer like a brave warrior?'

No one spoke for a moment- then,

'Your Robes are wet Rincewind.' Lord Vetinari observed. Rincewind looked down at a wet patch on his crutch,

'Yes I know,' he said, 'I pissed them. Can't win every battle you know.'

'Fascinating.'

Nobby who had been unusually quite up until now made it his business to torment Rincewind,

'Haha, ya daft bugger! Pissing your pants! Honestly!'

Then, defying all of the intelligence in the world he moved his face extremely close to the patrician, so his huge pimply nose almost touched and whispered hoarsely,

'Oi! Havelock, the Wizzard Pissed his pants! Funny shit huh?'

Vetinari glared at the annoying man who ignored him completely,

'You sir,' he said fiercely, 'are a bumbling fool.'

'My motha' says I'm special- she cuts my meat for me!' Nobby's largest nose pimple exploded and a glob of pus, speckled with blood splattered over the Patrician's left cheek, Rincewind visibly ducked for cover,

'Quite so.' Vetinari replied and wiped his face clean,

'Now, under any other circumstances I would have had you thrown into the scorpion pit, but since I am no longer ruler of this land- and the… king' he spat the word king out with deep resentment, 'is missing, I have decided to send you two buffoons who have a bigger chance of causing the king's death than old age to carry out the mission he has left for you.'

'…The king's missing?' Rincewind asked from his hiding place under the throne,

'Yes Rincewind. He disappeared last night- left this letter- apparently the worlds are dying and he's gone to find out why. He wants you two to go to Ankh-Morpork and find something called the Key, before joining up with his highness. Do you except?'

'No.' Rincewind answered immediately. The Patrician took a deep breath and tried again, 'The way I see it you have to choices- death by Scorpion pit or Death by doing the Mission. What do you choose?'

'Um… Can I think about it?' Rincewind asked,

'What was choice A?' Nobby questioned,

'LOOK! You're going to Ankh-morpork and that's final- You're no use to me in the palace so I'm sending you.'

Rincewind climbed out from underneath the throne. Nobby looked defeated,

'You sure we can't take the Scorpions?' Rincewind asked one last time,

'OUT!'