Not A Pretty Girl

by alchemy dream

Transferred to an all girl's school for the fall, Emma follows her hushhush pregnancy stuck between peace, J.T., and passion, Jay, with spiritual help from the Tao. What path will she ultimately choose?

15. Until The Day I Die

Not A Pretty Girl:Alchemy Dream

A/N: OMG, guys. Another update. Like, a month later. We've come a long way, right? Things are about to get really interesting with this story. Haha, I hope you all haven't abandoned it yet. I promised, right? I hope you're prepared for a pretty saccharine chapter here. I've been pretty sick lately, and I've been writing fluffy stuff like crazy. Weird. So anyways, here is the updated song list for you guys. New people? I'm creating a list of inspirational songs for my fic. Some of them are pretty good. Give them a listen. I like to think I have good taste in music. And special thanks to Castalma2010 for sharing her voice on things. Mwah, dahling.

Oh, and 'EatMySox' is the best name EVER. No questions asked.

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Chapter 1 - "We're Going To Be Friends" - The White Stripes

Chapter 2 - "Coming Up" - Ani Difranco

Chapter 3 - "Milkshake" - Kelis

Chapter 4 - "Something For Windy" - Bonobo

Chapter 5 - "Love Thing" - Joe Satriani

Chapter 6 - "Portions For Foxes" - Rilo Kiley

Chapter 7 - "Collide" - Howie Day

Chapter 8 - "It's Been Awhile" - Staind

Chapter 9 - "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy

Chapter10 - "Don't Be Cruel" - Bobby Brown

Chapter11 - "As Lovers Go" - Dashboard Confessional

Chapter12 - "Can't Stand Losin' You" - The Police

Chapter13 - "Heartbeat" - Annie

Chapter14 - "Not A Pretty Girl" - Ani Difranco

Chapter15 - "Until The Day I Die" - Story Of The Year

Summary: No one quite knows what to say about it. No one knows what to do when there's nothing to be done. But Jay knows that no matter what happens in the direct future, he cannot be alone tonight.

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It had become so easy for her.

Stuff pillows under her quilts, shut out the lights, climb up on the boxes and out the window. Out into the world. She just kept making the same mistakes it seemed. With the same boy.

Emma sat, silent in the passenger seat of the Civic, feeling the heat caress her face gently. She didn't know or care where he was taking her. She just knew that he was taking her away. Through the blurriness of her eyes, she saw the wind sweeping trees sideways in the blustery rain, slick pavement drifting under and away from her vision as he drove carefully, for once, down the suburban streets. Emma hastily wiped her eyes and looked over at Jay, who had been silent since coaxing her to come with him. He seemed markedly focused on the road, on the hypnotising windshield wipers that lulled the interior of the car into a calming rhythm. She closed her eyes and absorbed the sounds of driving.

Windshield wipers scraping the glass, squeaking every now and then. The light click of a turn signal, and the pavement under the tires as they turned. The sound of shifting, of the clutch being pressed in, of wind racing outside them, of drops striking the glass. And then the sound of Jay cursing.

"Damnit!"

Emma looked up and blinked a little.

"What?"

"I have to get gas. Do you mind?" he said, pulling into the nearest station and under the metal roof.

Emma chuckled sarcastically, "No, not if it means getting to our destination."

Jay looked over at her, tired and worried.

"Are you going to be okay for a minute?" he asked warmly, patting his pocket instinctually for his wallet. Emma rolled her eyes and nodded sharply.

"Do you want anything?"

"No. Thanks," she said, pulling the latch on the door. Jay looked at her funny, cocking an eyebrow.

"What are you doing?"

"Can I not get out of the car? I just need...some air," she said, sliding out of the seat, nonchalantly. Jay looked down as a loud beeping noise broke the silence. He looked, annoyed, at the caller ID. Spinner.

"It's Spin," he said, and he didn't know why. Emma shrugged and began wandering around the covered area of the gas station.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how are you, sweetheart?" Jay pulled the phone away, looking at the phone strangely.

"Spin?"

"You missed practice, you dick head. I had to hang out with Craig and Marco for two hours, under their direction, as they put it," Spinner said, exasperated. Jay sighed loudly as he punched a few buttons and unscrewed his gas cap.

"I forgot. Totally," he said, placing the nozzle into the hole, and pressed down, leaning on his car as the tank filled. "Look, just...give me a few days to dry out," and immediately, he knew he's said too much.

"Dry out? From what?"

Emma shuffled her feet around, kicking at the gravel. A few drops on her nose informed her that she had stepped outside of the metal roof, and was heading towards the street. She just kept walking.

Why had she decided to go with him? Wasn't this how it had all started? Was her life just looping, a skipping CD that would never get off a certain moment in the song? Hadn't she left that night when she should have been at Dracula rehearsal to meet Jay? Hadn't she done it night after night? Didn't that lead to her getting gonorrhea? Getting pregnant? And now...

She couldn't even cry anymore. Her body was empty. There was nothing left. She had expected some kind of reconciliation between her and Jay when they met. But it was only silence, only a vacuum of lost words and unspoken apologies. There was no comfort, only distance and regret. There was emptiness in her body, where the child had been, and her heart, where Jay had been. She had lost everything. It didn't seem right to live. And suddenly, she was standing in the middle of the road. The highway. And it was coming.

Everything was slow motion in her mind. The semi truck laying on the horn, the sound of feet padding violently across the gravel, rocks flying up behind his feet. She could see Jay's mouth moving, but couldn't make out the words. His face was contorted in fear, and his arms swung back and forth, tossing the phone to the ground. Emma looked questioningly at him. Wasn't he on the phone with Spinner? Had Spinner made him mad? Why was Jay running at her? She saw his eyes prick with fear, water glazing those beautiful blue eyes as he ran in the night. Why was he so bright? Like an angel? Emma smiled sadly, imagining that in another lifetime, maybe Jay was an angel. Her angel. It was then that she turned to face the truck. It was less than eight meters from her, it's lights blinding her. She held a hand up to shield her eyes.

It had struck her to run.

It made sense to run.

But she couldn't run.

She could only stand still. And recite the Tao to herself. She closed her eyes, and stood. Her mind empty.

Work towards emptiness and openness.

Cultivate stillness.

Breathe harmony.

Become tranquility.

As the ten thousand things rise and fall, rise and fall,

just witness their return to the root.

She must have repeated it twice, before something hard, but at the same time, tender impacted her body. She was briefly aware of a fleeting sound, of no longer being vertical. She felt the sensation of her skin, wet and gritty, of his arms, wide and encasing. Of his erratic breathing.

Emma and Jay just laid there for a moment, on the side of the highway, safe from traffic, wrapped against each other. Emma vaguely couldn't recall ever being so close to Jay. She smiled.

Jay, on the other hand was completely numb from fear. He couldn't feel his heart pounding out of his chest. He couldn't feel the warmth of their bodies enmeshed. He only felt relief wash over him when she stirred in his arms. He looked at her, just stand up from him, brush her clothes off, and offer him her hand. He blinked in disbelief, pushing himself up, and grabbing her shoulders, he shook her violently, as he shouted.
"What the fuck were you doing! Standing in the middle of the highway! Have...have," he struggled to catch his breath, "have you lost your fucking mind, Emma!" Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes. Emma looked at him, her heart wrenching. He had just saved her life. She wasn't sure what to say. So she said the only thing that came to mind.
"Thank you, Jay," and he sighed, exasperated, and pulled her into his arms, pressing her cheek against his. The grit was uncomfortable on them, but it was all perfect. A silent sob went unnoticed, and he let a tear fall. A 'thank you' was all she had offered. But somehow, it was enough.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too...

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does.

We'll make the same mistakes
I'll take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
'cos I know I still do.

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"Do you have to smoke?" Emma asked as they drove down the street to Jay's house. Jay sighed.

"After that? You bet," he said, blowing the cigarette smoke from his lips. "At least it isn't pot."

"There's that," she said, thoughtfully. "I've never seen your house. Where is it?" Jay threw the butt out the window, and turned off the radio.

"Right here. Tandy Drive. And...there is someone there," Jay said, slowing down a little. There was a red and white striped car parked on the curb at his house. "Dammit, that's my parking spot."

He pulled into the driveway and backed out to park on the other side. Shawn always demanded the driveway be free for him to get out for work. Jay frowned when it dawned on him. He looked at the digital clock. 1:45 a.m. What was Spinner doing at his house at 1:45 a.m.? Had Shawn even let Spinner in? He looked at Emma once, before turning the key in the ignition, and grabbing his soiled jacket. He reached up to grab his hat, but soon realized it wasn't there. It must have been left on the highway when they had left. Emma followed suit, grabbing her purse and jumping out of the seat, locking the door. She held her bag over her head as the rain poured down, following Jay to the door of his house. He fumbled through the keys and yawned, hoping to get to sleep as soon as possible. Of course, with Spinner present, that wouldn't be soon. The door creaked as Jay opened it, and he and Emma slid soundlessly into the little house. Looking around, Jay noticed Shawn asleep on the couch, a slice of pizza laying on his face. He looked strangely at him, and then noticed Spinner also sound asleep on the other end, a game controller barely held in his limp hand, the other one on the carpet next to Shawn. His phone lay in his lap, having given up on calling Jay.

Oh, right...my phone. Jay thought back to the dead phone he had left in the gravel. He got a sleepy laugh out of the thought of it ringing, all alone at the gas station, or even better, some old bum answering it and taking to Spinner. His imagination was still stuck on the pizza planted on his brother's face.

Wild party here, he thought sarcastically.

And there was another body, wadded up with a blanket in the recliner. Jay squinted, but Emma got to it first.
"Manny?" she whispered. Sure enough, Manny was cuddled up, in Jay Hogart's house, snoozing away. Her long, black hair feel into her eyes, and she snored. Snored like there was no tomorrow. Jay shook his head, confused.

"Let's go. Don't wake them up," Jay whispered, shutting off the dim light, and flicking off Grand Theft Auto. Emma really wanted a shower, but couldn't argue with Jay's logic. If they woke the motley trio up, they would never get any rest. And that was what they both needed above anything else.

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"Well..let me give you the grand tour," Jay said, shutting the door quietly and locking it. Emma put her purse down on a spot that looked, well...clean. "There's the bed, and there's the closet. The end."

"It's not bad...it's very, Jay," Emma said, looking around. The walls had water stains from the leaking water heater, and there were clothes everywhere. Everywhere but the closet, where he stored big plastic tubs of car junk. There was a small twin sized bed with a wooden frame and a few quilts and cotton sheets. There were no tables, except the dresser. The alarm clock sat on the floor next the the plug. Emma kind of understood why Jay didn't spend loads of time hanging out here. It was really...bare.

"Make yourself at home. I'm going to go to sleep," he said, pulling his shirt over his head, "but you can do whatever you want."

"As if there's much to do," Emma snorted. She watched, enraptured, at the sight of Jay getting undressed. It had been so long since she had seen his bare flesh. Even when they had had sex, she had never seen anything. She had been blinded. But now, she looked at him, the warm colour of his back, the way the muscles moved over one another, the way the shoulder blades came together. The way his hair ruffled as he pulled it over his head. She felt a guilty flush come over her. Jay noticed her in the mirror, and turned to look at her.

"Are you going to come to bed?" he asked, uncharacteristically gently.

Emma felt flustered. Surely he wouldn't...not so soon. "I, uh..."

"I won't try anything. I'm not a fucktard, Emma," he said, and winced at his language. "That wasn't very eloquent, was it?" Jay moved to stand in front of her.

"I'm not stupid, Emma. I'd never," he said softly, "do...that." Emma just nodded.

"Okay..." Jay looked down at her dirty pajamas he had dragged her from her house in.

"Do you want something to wear?"

"That would be great," Emma said, nodding. Jay complied, going over to the drawer in the dresser, and shuffled through a few garments, before picking out a long sleeved button down flannel shirt. He threw it over to her, and turned away, towards the window, as she changed.

"Okay."

Jay turned, and looked at her.

So beautiful.

He was in awe of how beautiful this girl, with dirt and gravel on her face, in her hair, in a flannel shirt looked.

"Is it okay if I take off my pants? Like, down to my boxers?" Emma blushed.

"Yeah, sure." Jay nodded and slid the loose khakis down his slim hips to the floor, revealing a pair of white cotton shorts. They contrasted beautifully with his tanned skin. He sat on the edge of the bed, scratching his shin, and slid between the blankets, holding them open for Emma.

"Oh, get the lights," Jay said. Emma walked over and turned the switch, and then slid into the bed, next to Jay. He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at her as she got comfortable. She turned to face him.

"What?"

"You're the stupidest girl I've ever met," Jay said, matter-of-factly. "I can't believe you did that. What were you thinking?"

Emma shrugged. "I dunno. I wouldn't have minded dying right then. I still wouldn't mind it," she said quietly. Jay looked hurt for a moment. He reached over and pulled her into his arms, resting his nose against hers. The rain patted loudly on the windows.

"How about now?" he asked. Emma was silent for a second.

"I think I'm okay now," Emma said. Jay chuckled a little, so tired he didn't care how stupid it sounded.

"You really are the most fucking stupid human being on this planet."

"But you still love me, Jay," Emma said, falling asleep quickly, as he gave her no response.

Jay waited until her breathing was light, and she was most certainly asleep.

"Yes, yes I do."

Should I bite my tongue?
Until blood soaks my shirt
We'll never fall apart
Tell me why this hurts so much ?

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

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Well, thanks for reading. Was it sweet enough? Too sweet? I don't know. I just can't write drama right now. Just...let them be in love for a little while. At least next chapter. Reviews are love! XOXO