Agent Spade, is it true that you and Agent Fitzgerald were in a relationship?

Yes, no, they were in a relationship. Sort of. For a while. They were seeing each other, spending time together, sleeping together.

'You make me happy'. What a stupid thing to say. 'You make me happy'…..So what? Plenty of things made her happy, blueberry pancakes with ice-cream, winning the poker game at Christmas time.

Martin made her happy.

Until it ended. Until he ended it.

He sat there at his desk and told her it was over, that he didn't want to wait around for her to figure out her problems. Right?

Why couldn't she get angry then. He chickened out, right? He wasn't willing to put in the effort, wasn't willing to wait……

But no matter how many times she said it, or how she tried to justify it, she knew it wasn't about that, Martin knew that she was looking for a way out, subconsciously and he was good enough to give her one, to allow her to hate him and maybe then she wouldn't hate herself so damn much.

No-one really knows that its over; Danny, he didn't know, he doesn't know. She was grateful to him, grateful for the way he tried to protect her, telling her he was ok, that everything was going to be fine, when it clearly wasn't, when he was so worried himself that he couldn't think straight, still he held it together for her, and what did she do, she brushed him away, rejected him.

He's in shock, she knew that, and she knew too that he probably saved Martin's life, but somehow, somehow she doesn't want help, feels like the pain she is feeling is warranted somehow. Maybe Danny felt that way too.

Viv knew, she always seemed to know, its like she has some kind of second sense, she knew when they were going out and she knew they broke up and she never said anything.

Vivian didn't approve though; not because we worked together but because she knew how they both were, knew that it wouldn't last. But did she realise just how quickly it would be all over? One moment they were sharing secret looks and glances, then they were sharing a bed and sitting on her front step reading the newspaper and the next he's sitting there saying he couldn't wait for her anymore?

Breath in, breath out……. It wasn't coming naturally to her anymore.

Damn you Martin Fitzgerald.

Oh Viv, where are you now. She needed a voice of reason, someone to tell her to snap out of it, that there was nothing she could do, she couldn't undo the past, couldn't change what happened. Now there was only Danny, Jack and Sam. Three out of five. And Danny was in enough pain without adding hers. Jack.

What could she say to Jack? Martin and I broke up a while ago, we're not seeing each other anymore, but I still feel………. What did she feel? What was it that was drawing her to his hospital bed, what was it that was making her promise that she'd be there for him, that things would be different?

Sam and Martin, when they were together they shared a lot of things, but at the end of the day they still knew very little about each other. She still didn't quite understand Martin's relationship with his family, didn't know what happened in the past, and she never told him her story, never told him about her mother, about running away, not really.

Mind you she hadn't told Jack either.

Jack and I, Martin and I…

That was the whole problem, that's been the problem all along, 2 men from the same office. That kind of thing it doesn't go down well, people talk, they make assumptions, they keep away.

That was why, that was why they couldn't get close, why they couldn't tell anyone, why…

….who was she kidding?

Information shared was control lost. That had always been her way.

And anyhow Martin always wore the same collection of striped ties with every suit and he read books that required a dictionary and a thesaurus before they began to make sense and he arranged his sock drawer by colour and type, he always washed up the dishes before eating his dinner and he knew things that no-one should, about alien abduction theories and strange computer codes and all kinds of other weird stuff. And they all hated him in the beginning, didn't they?

But there was so much that had been good about it……he never, ever, once in all the time they were together asked her for anything. And no matter how much she pushed him away he was still there, rock solid, ready to pick her up and dust her off. And even afterwards, when it ended and it was just Jack and Danny and Viv and martin and Sam, she knew he'd still get up at 3am and drive across down if she wanted.

"You wanted me to fight harder, didn't you?"

"It shouldn't have to be a fight."

It wasn't a fight, that wasn't what she had meant, it was just that in the beginning he was like her, cautious, careful, he wasn't used to getting close to people and neither was she so what happened, at what point did he suddenly decide that everyone had to know, that he wanted to show her off like some damn prize trophy. She just wasn't ready, you know, She couldn't let everyone know, not yet.

It shouldn't have to be a fight.

So that's why I'm sitting here Martin, and you know I've never been so scared in me entire life. And I know its over and I know that you don't love me anymore, and I don't know if I ever even loved you, but this time I think it's worth the fight.

I'll fight Martin, if you will.