My beautiful Clarisse,

I promised you when everything in the world seemed like a lie, I would never lie to you. My darling, find it in your heart to forgive me.

Years ago, more years than I care to remember, I was summoned to the office of the previous king. I had never had dealings with him before, never stepped foot inside this wretched palace - I wish, apart from the love of you, I never had. My job, as you already know, was to serve the Genovian army and secret service. Considering I am Spanish, they were quick to scoop me into their underworld. My dear Clarisse, I never knew I would come across such corrupt dealings, such terrible misdemeanours.

I arrived here, more than wary, but eager to serve the king none the less. That was the first time I saw you, wandering arm in arm with His Majesty; that was the first time I felt a tinge of jealousy - that was the night I first committed murder.

The kings office was much as it is today, I'm sure you know. It still pains me to step in there, I can still see the painfully emotionless faces of the men in the room. The king was there, Rupert, along with Francois Gerard - your father.

I know now why he was there, I know now that he had asked the King this favour - my darling Clarisse, I had no idea then.

I can't remember the rest of the meeting, it was a blur, but as I stepped into the night air I knew what I had to do. I didn't want to hurt anyone Clarisse, but I was ordered to and I followed.

Your sisters were brought before me by your father, and he stood them in the courtyard. Clarisse my darling, never do I ever want to do it again. Each in turn, I shot in the head. The screams pierced the air, as did their cries and pleading. The blindfolds were removed, as were their bodies. The truth, you must know the truth.

This makes me a coward, I would have always kept this from you - had it not been for your husband. He threatened me with telling you. It was unbearable enough from the lips of me alone, never mind from the lips of someone else. This is why I'm telling you, this is why I'm telling the truth….this time.

He promised me and in my madness, I accepted his deal. I tell you this and if you forgive me, he will oversee our relationship - I can never hope for that now. I can only hope you don't hate my very being, I can only hope you will not order the death of me. I would quite happily kill myself.

I love you, no matter how much I push it away or ignore it, I love you.

Oh, Clarisse I didn't want to, from that day on the images plagued me, their screams woke me. It was over quickly my darling... if you can never forgive me, hate me forever; but remember, I only did my duty.

Forever yours,

Joseph. x

O0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

"….forever yours, Joseph", she whimpered the last lines of the tear smudged letter. She swallowed and swallowed again, leaning against the wall of her room to prop herself up. Why hadn't he told her, why hadn't he…..? Looking at the letter again, images, so graphically explained by him, coursed through her mind. She picked up the rose on the bed where he had left it along with the letter and crumpling the letter up tight she threw it into the fire. She felt immensely ill, the room was suddenly spinning and she swayed her way to the bathroom, hanging over the sink as she was sick countless times. Clutching her stomach, her head swimming, her skin tightening, her throat burning. He had lied to her, how could he!

Tidying herself up, she lifted her head from the sink, wiping her mouth with a wipe and splashed herself with cold water. Now was not the time to be weak. She wanted to kill him, more for lying to her than murdering her sisters. She had never been particularly close to them but he could have told her all of this. And he acted as if they were still alive, gave her the slight hope she might get in contact with them.

He had tried to lull his own guilt, he hadn't managed.

Slamming her fist on the marble counter she let out an " Arghh!" of both frustration, hurt. Betrayal, anger……..so many words.

She resolved to make this, get her own back on both of these men. She would NOT be weak. She would hate her husband forever, that deal had been signed long ago. She wanted to hate Joseph, she wanted to kill him, but as always love overcame hate. She wanted to make him suffer for this but in the back of her mind, his crime he had so committed against her seemed to be dwindling. A terrible thing he had done, definitely,but he had told her, much more than the courtesy Rupert had paid her.

She could feel him touch her, feel him breathing on her and she felt sick, yet she felt what he felt for her. It made no sense to her. She still loved him, for all she wanted to kill him, she still loved him. He had after all, done this to aid their relationship. He had proved the length he would go for her….yet, she couldn't help but want to make him suffer. She had trusted him so much, trusted him to love her, with her deepest secrets, with her.. body. She had given herself to him, in all manners; yet he had lied to her, professed his love but lied to her.

Turning one last time as she looked in the mirror, she knew this was impossible to avoid, she would have to talk to him.

Joseph stared lucidly at the full bottle of whiskey in front of him, he could drink it, get drunk and forget for a while. He didn't have the guts, he just let it sit in front of him as he slouched over the table in the middle of the kitchen, motionless. He had delivered the letter while she had been in a meeting. It had taken him three weeks to write, three weeks he had been tactically avoiding her for. He had done it, partly for his own selfish reasons, partly because he was afraid Rupert would tell her and mostly because he needed to, he needed to because he loved her and he couldn't live with lying to her.

The clicks of soft footsteps pulled him roughly from his thoughts. It was her, she had doubtlessly read it. Standing up quickly, he ran for the other door but she was already there. He felt her eyes burning his back as he ran like a coward. He turned slowly and his eyes met hers, coldly. The love that had been ever present in her eyes for him had dulled, if only a little.

"I wanted to speak to you, Joseph", she said softly. Her tone was gentle and it just managed to heighten his sense of guilt more.

"I need to speak to you", she whispered again, sitting down at the table and motioning with her hand to the seat across. He stared at the chair for a moment, as if it might bite him if he sat.

"Please".

He sat, swallowing slightly as he did so and nodded. He could not look at her, it was near impossible.

She reached across the table, taking the two rough hands of his resting on the surface. His eyes shot to hers and for a moment, questions flashed through them.

"Joseph", she whispered softly, her tone more hurt than angry, " Joseph, I hate you for this".

"he nodded, trying to pull his hands from her, she refused to let go, gripping them.

"But as much as I try", she swallowed, her eyes swimming with tears, " As much as I hate you, I love you more".

"Clarisse", he said forcefully, " Hate me! You can't love me, I don't …. I never…."

"Stop", she implored softly, " Stop this, I love you! It will take me years to forgive you, not for killing them but for lying to me. You lied to me, do you understand how much that hurt me?"

Her tone was so painful and he was angry at her for it. Couldn't she just shout at him, get so very angry. Why did she have to be diplomatic about it! And it must hurt, he had killed nearly every member of her family and she said it didn't hurt…..

"Clarisse, why aren't you angry! Get angry at me, hit me, go on, get so unbelievably angry", he begged.

"If I did that, it would only make you feel better", she commented quietly, looking into his eyes.

"I only did it because of your father and the King and Rup-", he tired to tell her, she nodded and quickly disrupted him. He was trying to justify it, but it seemed all but impossible.

"Fuck Rupert!", she said suddenly, her tone rising this time " I don't care about him! All I care about is this, me and you! This isn't about him, this is about you and I…..this is about how much I want, love you! Hell, Joseph…I need you!". She threw herself at him from where she sat, tears tumbling gently down her face.

"Just don't", she choked, "Promise me you'll never lie to me, ever Joseph. promise me?".

He gripped her tightly, clinging to her for strength. He wanted to forget all this, he wanted to take her away from all of this. He wanted her so much yet he had lied to her, he had broken her trust.

Clarisse waited what seemed like eternity for his answer, as if it might never come as they stood there in the kitchen, gripping each other.

"I promise you", he vowed quietly, gripping the sides of her face and looking into her eyes, " I promise you".

Clarisse couldn't push back the torrent of tears slipping down her face.

"We'll tell him", she whispered suddenly, her eyes burning with determination, " Rupert, I mean".

Joseph nodded, his hand coming to rest at the nape of her neck as he drew her mouth nearer to his.

In a setting like they were, it was neither the most intelligent or wisest thing to do but it was all he could do. He needed her strength, something which seemed to accompany her kisses. Devouring her mouth seemed to be an escape into his very own paradise. He had thought he'd never love again after what he had done; unintentionally hurting her. Yet here she was , giving him life and he would take it and enjoy it and revel in it. He would revel in this life and love…he would revel in her.