A/N Jules, Jules, Jules...I warned you it was going to be dark. If you want light and fluffy why do you think I've been writing all those drabbles? It only gets worse from here folks, not better. But don't worry, he doesn't loose Jordan. Right, so if you're sick of the angst and suicidal tendencies, I suggest you stop reading right now. If you're still here, well, you've gotten fair warning so don't complain when Garret doesn't suddenly become Prozac's poster boy-I'm only halfway through the fic and believe me when I say that it has yet to really bottom out...and he's not manic depressive. Just depressive. He hasn't really been manic. Just depressed, more depressed and liquored. And I forget to say, Jinubean gets a cookie for pointing out HOUSE! That's my hometown that that show takes place in. And it's about a cynical doctor. Odds it's NOT on my favs list? 10000000000 to 1

You've given it all you can
And your life is in the garbage can
And you say you're tired and dry
Cause your mind won't let you cry
So you hang up what is left inside
And you want to kiss it all goodbye
You're lost in space you're swirling ever higher
You're lost on your own, you're too far from home
You're no one's friend, you gave it your best try, yeah
You're stuck in the drone of being alone
You turn to light but all you get is darkness
Your head turns to stone, your numbness has grown
You're stuck inside your little world of rejects
The good world unknown, your stuck in the drone

Bad Religion-You Give Up

He stared up at the TV, half paying attention to the movie that was on, some bad thing about a sleazy journalist tracking down a mass murderer that was based off of a bad Stephen King novel. He remembered reading the story, it was almost as bad as the movie, although he had to admit, the acting was good, whoever they got to pick the sleaze ball did a magnificent job of it.

He wanted a drink-needed one. He needed something. They had given him something to help him sleep the first night, but they refused to give him it for the second, and he hadn't slept at all. He kept seeing her, she kept mocking him, telling him that he couldn't even kill himself, that he was such a failure at life he even failed at death.

He was interrupted by the door opening and Jordan walking in. "Hi." He said as she sat down in the chair next to him. There was something odd about her that he couldn't quite place.

"Hi." She said simply, looking up at what he was watching. "That looks like it's incredibly bad." He smiled.

"Do they ever show anything good on the TV stations that hospitals get?" He countered and she laughed, knowing it was true.

"They're letting you out tomorrow." He nodded. "Want me to pick you up, since, well?" He nodded again.

"Yeah. Guess I have to go find something else drive. I was starting to like that beast too. Although I guess now I don't have to spend an entire paycheck just to fill the tank." She grinned.

"Yeah, lucked out in that regard." They lapsed into silence for a long while, both of them just watching the bad movie. "Garret-" She started and he turned to face her.

"Hmm?" Her eyes met his.

"I was doing the accident reconstruction-" He looked down. This wasn't what he wanted, he didn't want to talk about it. "Garret-you had to be going eighty to get out to where you did-"

"I told you I was speeding." He said and she met his eyes, there was a hint of pain and a hint of fear in them.

"Garret, there wasn't a single skid, not a single brake mark, you didn't even try to stop, you sped up, Garret, you did that on purpose." There were tears falling now, and his stomach sank out from beneath him. "You tried to kill yourself. You drove your car off a bridge in the middle of the night. Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell someone, why didn't you try to get help, something, anything?" Her hand was wrapped in his and he gently rubbed the knuckles. "Why?" She asked again.

He fought for something to say. He couldn't think of a good enough explanation. Because he couldn't shake the guilt, the pain? Because he was sick of seeing Abby every time he closed his eyes? Because he was just sick of life in general? Because he just wanted to be free from everything?

Why did she have to care? "Jordan-" he began and she looked up meeting his eyes. "Jordan I-it's just-" he tried to come up with a way to explain it all away. "Every time I close my eyes, she's there, reminding me how horrible I was, every time I turn around there's another reminder of where I've screwed up. Just go, Jordan. No point in being here, I know when I'm licked, and I've been knocked out."

She pulled him close and cried against his shoulder. "You're not." She said, and he sat there awkwardly with her half in his arms. "You're not done."

"I am. Every man knows his limits and I've reached mine." She shook her head.

"What happened to you Garret? You never were an optimist, but you were never like this before, you never were a downright pessimist, you always had some hope in you somewhere."

"Go read Nietzsche." He said simply. "He's got a great quote on hope." Hope had given up on him, he hadn't given up on hope. Hope had failed him, faith had failed him, he had nothing left.

"Garret, c'mon, you're the one that helped me back from the brink of death, you're going to get better-"

"Quit trying to convince yourself Jordan-" He broke off for a minute and stared at her. "I've given up, join the club." she glared at him with red-rimmed eyes. "Look at me Jordan, I'm a washed up old man who can't even kill myself correctly, I've given up on love, on life, no point in trying to convince yourself that I care." He was beyond caring, he didn't want to care, caring was what had gotten him into this.

"I don't care if you care. I care, Garret, its why I'm here-" He glared at her.

"So I guess I'm stuck enduring the pity parade and the sidelong glances from now on wondering if I'm going to be OK from everyone else around me. All of them constantly being on guard for the first sign of everything." She looked at him and shook her head.

"I haven't told anyone, Garret. I'm the only one who knows, even on the report it's down as an accident." he met her gaze. She had lied. For him. She had said that things hadn't happened the way they had to protect him. He felt a lump in his throat start to grow.

"Jordan-" He started and she kissed him gently on the cheek.

"Garret, you still have it in you." she said as she walked out, wiping her eyes on the back of her sleeve and standing up tall, the slight redness in her eyes the only sign that she had been crying at all, leaving him alone to think.