Why did you Leave Me?
Chapter 3
"I will not allow it!" A furious-looking Suzaku exclaimed. Byakko waved his hands wildly to try to calm her down in vain. "This is preposterous. Have you no loyalty to your master, Byakko? Are you insane?" She ranted on for twenty minutes before Byakko stopped her by shaking her shoulders.
"I know it sounds crazy but, Tsuzuki would have approved."
She crossed her hands over her chests and pursed her lips. "How could you have known?" she hissed.
Byakko said calmly, "It's Hisoka. Why wouldn't he approve? I have my reasons for doing this nee-san, and it's in Tsuzuki's interests at heart."
"You only receive orders as a shikigami. That is your duty. You don't make decisions, you receive them."
"Receive orders from WHO?"
"Tsuzuki!"
"He's gone!"
Suzaku shut up at this point and looked like she is on the verge of breaking down. The man took a deep breath and laid a hand on her shoulders in consolation. "I know it's hard for you to accept this, nee-san, but Tsuzuki is gone."
The woman finally broke down and sobbed in Byakko's comforting arms. "It's all my fault," she wailed. "I shouldn't have killed that girl. He lost it after that."
"You were only fulfilling the terms of the contract and your love for your master to protect Tsuzuki at all costs. It is not your fault, nee-san. Don't ever think that," Byakko said gently, caressing her hair. He continued, "I know Tsuzuki will not be at peace unless Hisoka is safe. I want to do this for him. Hisoka is not doing well at all, I can tell. And it's the least I can do for Tsuzuki, to look after Hisoka for him."
Suzaku sobbed even harder and cried out in between her sniffles, "The others won't approve either, especially Soh Ryu."
At this, Byakko smiled, "I cannot change their minds if they disapprove but they will not change mine either. I am only doing what I see fit. For both Tsuzuki and Hisoka."
Suzaku smiled in between her tears at Byakko's determination. "You know, I admire you."
"For what?"
"Actually doing something and not sitting around moping like the rest of us are doing."
A corner of Byakko's mouth lifted a little as he digested her words. "It doesn't mean I hurt any lesser, nee-san. We twelve are Tsuzuki's pride. You know that. He said it many times before. That is why he will not blame you for what has happened. If anything, Tsuzuki blames himself the most."
"But...if I did not kill that girl..."
"I told you. You were only doing what you thought was right."
Suzaku kept quiet. She looked a sight to behold, a powerful and commanding shikigami, but a broken one. She sat down beside Byakko and they stared together at the slipping sunset in silence. When the moon and stars strung themselves across the skies, Byakko stood up. "Well, nee-san, I have to be going now. I promised Hisoka to train with him tomorrow and—"
"What is this I hear? You, stepping into another allegiance without consulting us? This is an insult, Byakko!"
Byakko and Suzaku both whipped around to see a furious-looking Soh Ryu and an apparently indifferent Touda standing beside him. Anger was apparent in the older man's face and he growled dangerously. "Speak, traitor!"
Byakko retorted, albeit a little huffed. "Since when do you decide which side I turn to, Soh Yru-sama? And I am not a traitor. We are all on the same bank of the river."
"You betrayed Tsuzuki."
"How can I betray him when I am only doing what he wishes me to do?"
"I will not sit back and allow this to happen—"
Byakko is irritated this time and he stood up abruptly and stomped to where the other two were standing. "I am protecting Hisoka for Tsuzuki. How is that wrong?"
Soh Ryu raised an eyebrow. "Since when is Hisoka that important to Tsuzuki?"
Byakko rolled his eyes. "Appparently, you haven't been around much. Hisoka is the only partner Tsuzuki has had that did not resign. I mean, he lasted more than a year. That alone, is proof that they aren't mere partners!"
Soh Ryu huffed and crossed his arms across his chest, unable to say anything more. Touda, taking the whole scene in, turned on his heel and walked away. Byakko called after him. "Oi, Touda."
The man turned around, showing no expression but he looked rough on the edges, having to be the one to kill his master. Byakko said softly, "Don't blame it on yourself."
Touda hesitated. His mechanical-looking arms hung limp at his sides and he stared at Byakko for a very long time before walking off without saying a word.
Hisoka's POVI cannot count the days that have passed. Maybe three weeks or so since Tsuzuki died. I am not sure. Maybe four. The days pass by in a blurry haze and at such a routine manner that I cannot tell the difference. Each day, I do the same thing. I drag myself out of bed-usually an hour late, which is strange because I am never late-and head off to work and bury myself in the amount paperwork that Tatsumi gives me. After work, Shido would walk me home, Watari will come by for dinner and sometimes Tatsumi joins us, and they will always leave by ten o'clock. Then, I would be all alone and that is when my nightmares come to haunt me.
My nightmares differ every single night. But they all have one thing in common : Tsuzuki. Some nights, I would watch him walk away from me, smiling and saying goodbye in a cheery manner, some nights, he would be crying and asking me why didn't I stop him, some nights, I would relive the events of when he disappeared in Touda's flames. I would always wake up, gasping for breath and sweating, but the tears would never come because there aren't any left in me.
The rest of them have noticed me gradually withdrawing into my little shell. I have rebuilt the walls which were partially broken down during my stint as Tsuzuki's partner. This way, nobody gets hurt. It isn't worth learning to care when all you get in return is pain. I should have known that a long time ago. I was taught that as a little boy. You think they would have drilled that thought into my brains. The only people that I allow to have a semblance of a normal conversation with me are Watari and occasionally when I am not angry with him, Tatsumi.
Shido is a cheerful person by nature and the whole department has grown adapted to him and his friendly manner. He is like Tsuzuki in some areas. He would find ways to slack off from work but during assignments, he is always serious. I wonder about his past but I refrain myself from getting too close to him. Who knows, he might go away some day too. He has learnt, however, to keep his distance from me because I have pointed out that I don't wish for any close ties in more ways than one.
Watari have told me over the nights that he had spent at my house having dinner, that I resembled a zombie to him. If only I have the guts to tell him that I can't allow myself to feel anymore. The moment I open my heart, I would probably cry my heart out and collapse from the pain it causes me.
I'm tired. Tired of feeling. Tired of crying. Tired of just existing.
But I trudge on, day after day, and the only thing keeping me sane is to be an empty shell. It doesn't hurt at all like this. You just feel...nothing. And the lack of emotions is a blessed relief to the rollercoaster ride I have been enduring through the first few days of Tsuzuki's departure. Somehow, I have managed to put my shields up so high that I don't feel anybody else's emotions anymore. My mind is a blank oasis, the emptiness and the vastness of the space in it a welcome relief.
It is only when I suffer from the nightmares that I actually feel something. And that is when it hurts the most- when the intensity of the emotions hits me full-force and I wake up, reeling from the after-effects and feeling so lonely and lost.
I have stopped going over to Tsuzuki's house for comfort. I figured that I should stop hoping for something that would never return and then perhaps, my nightmares would go away. I am only fooling myself, of course. The nightmares will never go. So, I have resolved to other means.
Ever since they approved of Byakko being my shikigami after we passed all the compatibility tests and all, every night, after my nightmare, I would summon him, and he will accompany me to sleep. He understands my feelings without me ever having to explain why or how, and he just lets me go to sleep in his arms, promising to keep watch. Keep watch on what, I do not know. But it is comforting.
Tonight is the same as always. I wake up, sweating profusely from my current demons, and reach into my pockets for a fuda to summon the tiger- god.
He leaps out gracefully from nothingness, and greets me as usual. "Hello, Hisoka," he growls, in his animal avatar and pads over to my bed.
"Hey," I say wearily, sweat still dripping off my forehead. Every night he pops up, and every night I would apologize for summoning him for resuming the role as babysitter.
"I'm sorry," I say. "I just...I just needed to rest."
He nods, never questioning, just plain understanding on his part. He scoops me up using his enormous paws and cuddles me close to his chest, his warm fur inviting sleep. I wiggle around trying to find a comfortable spot and fall asleep almost immediately. "Thank you," I would whisper, into his fur.
He would then ruffle my hair with a huge paw, and growl, "It's okay, Hisoka. Go to sleep. I'll keep watch." And the nightmares won't come anymore until the next night.
"I want you two to investigate this case. There are three victims, all of them believed to be related because of the way they were murdered. Two of them are women, and the latest victim is believed to be a boy into his early teens," Tatsumi explains, pushing three pictures across the table towards Shido and I.
I nod blankly, looking at the photographs.
They have been murdered in the most gruesome way possible. It looked as if the murderer was taking his time killing them slowly, drawing every last drop of blood from their bodies. The body of each victim has been cut in many different areas, and their organs removed and put aside carefully, but not taken away. Then, the bodies were hanged from a tree, leaving a gory display to the public the next day.
The boy, was also given the same treatment, but as Tatsumi explained, his genitals were also removed, making them believe that it was a possibility that he had been raped.
The blood in my veins ran cold as a thought struck me. The way the victims were killed were eerily similar to the victims from the Kyoto case. If that is so, then the culprit must be...
I slam my fists on the table, startling all of them. Not looking up, I say in a low voice, "Tatsumi-san, is there a possibility that this is related to the Kyoto case in any way? If so, then the culprit..." I leave my sentence unfinished. But I'm pretty sure they know what I mean.
I look at his face for his reaction. He glances at Kachou meaningfully and then the both of them look my way. "We have thought it was possible," Tatsumi explains, pushing his glasses up. "However," he continues, "We do not have any proof that the culprit is indeed Muraki. And besides, what is his motive now for killing more people? The last time around, he wanted to use Tsuzuki-san's body as a means to relive his half-brother so he can personally kill him. The laboratory then would have been destroyed completely due to the intense heat of Touda's fire. Therefore, there isn't any reason for Muraki to..."
"Do you think Muraki needs a reason to kill?" I piped up quietly. Shido looks fearfully at me hearing the steel in my voice.
Then, I realize he has a hand on my arm in a small form of consolation as he spoke aloud his thoughts. Weird. I don't feel a thing coming from him. "Can't you ask another pair of shinigami to work on this case?"
Kachou pursed his lips as he reasoned that everyone was busy on duty now and he would not have asked me to go on the case. Great. Now he thinks I'm a wimp. I stand up abruptly and head towards the door. "We'll get on it straightaway, Kachou," I speak without looking back. Suddenly, there is a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from going further. I stop and look back.
It is Tatsumi. He says, "Kurosaki-kun, don't you feel anything?"
I blink at him before I realize he is referring to my empathy. I shake my head and say shortly, "No. And I'm glad to be rid of it."
Now, he looks shocked. I wonder why. My empathy was always, always a nuisance to me in the past anyway. It hurts when you can read people's minds of what they think about you, as in the case of my parents, I felt nothing but hate coming from them. From Tsuzuki, I felt guilt, pain and remorse and a lot of other things that he manages to hide from me. I asked him once, that it wasn't fair he knows so much about me and in turn, I know almost nothing. He had said then that if telling the truth meant rejection from us all, he would rather not say anything at all. But doesn't trust me enough to share his pain with me? I don't think so.
To put it plainly, that sucks. Now, I feel nothing. And that, is better than feeling anything at all.
"C'mon, Shido," I call to my partner. He comes walking after me and we teleport off to investigate, taking one of the Gushoushin twins as our guide.
"Tatsumi is so mean," Shido sulks, trying to make space on the floor for his mat. "Another cheap inn to stay in," he mutters under his breath.
I allow a ghost of a smile to appear on my face.
Gushoushin is sitting in a corner, typing furiously on his laptop. Shido walks over and sits beside him, wanting to know all the details of the case. As Gushoushin briefs him, I look over the pictures again and then my mind start to wander. I wonder what was the boy thinking when he was raped by that bastard. I wonder about his family. Did they love him? Or was he shunned and locked up just like I was? Did he take that one chance of freedom, when he saw the sakura tree and that person who looked like an angel descended from the sky?
The walls of the room close in on me as I imagine the innocent boy walking out for a breath of fresh air. Was he like me too, not knowing the meaning of love, not knowing how to care for other people? Did his parents shower him with love and kindness, instead of cruelty and hostility? Did they even let him out at all?
I flinch in my chair, snapped out of my daydream as I felt the touch of someone. I look up into my partner's eyes. "Are you okay, 'Soka?" he asks gently, with all the kindness as would an older brother or a father.
"Aaa.." was the only answer I could give as I try to relax in my chair. God, I feel so tired. Shido must have noticed because he doesn't allow me to look at the files anymore and instruct me to sleep. I almost feel guilty. How can I be so cold to him, and yet, he still shows the same kindness and compassion? Why is he so selfless, just like that guy?
I do not protest any further as I sink gratefully into my mat and fall into a deep sleep, filled with nasty dreams of Tsuzuki leaving me in various ways. Just a minute more and then I'll wake up, I tell my brain in mid- slumber.
Just a minute more.
"Gushoushin, can you tell me more about this Tsuzuki guy? I have been Hisoka's partner for almost a month now and I don't know anything about the either of them. Hisoka always seem so distant and cold towards me, yet I feel no malice from him. I take it that this Tsuzuki person is very important?" Shido asks the blue-haired bird who looks up at him, brows furrowed.
I open one eye, careful not to let them know I am awake.
"Yeah," Gushoushin chirped. "Tsuzuki-san was the only partner Hisoka-kun has ever had before you. So they were quite close. Hisoka-kun wasn't like this before. He had learnt to open up a little but now, he isn't quite acting like himself. Who can blame him, the poor boy. He is only just a child. And when he died, he was barely thirteen so of course he doesn't have any experiences of being a proper teenager. Actually the whole department loved Tsuzuki very much. He had served..." Gushoushin rambled on and on.
I squeezed my eye shut and try to block out his rant. I'm not a child. But why do I feel like one? So helpless, being so dependent on that one person, unable to do anything to help anybody...
I have to be strong. I must show everyone that I'm perfectly capable of handling things on my own even though I'm only fooling myself so far.
I pass the night by counting sheep-I reach until two thousand and thirty- six- before sleep embraces me. It isn't long before I wake up again and summon Byakko quietly outside the room and spend the rest of the night in his comforting arms.
"There is a laboratory situated in this town but it is not a definite lead. Since we practically have nothing to follow up from, I think we should check it out anyway," Shido mumbles, a stack of papers filled with information on one hand, and a half-eaten donut on the other. He coughs out bits of crumbly donut pieces, leaving Gushoushin to squeal in disgust. I merely frown at the gesture and instead focus on what he is saying.
"Do you know where the laboratory is situated? I ask my partner. He shakes his head cluelessly at me, biting off another chunk of that donut.
"By the way," he says. "What the heck were you doing outside the room this morning?"
I freeze, like a deer caught in between headlights. "Wh...what?" I gape.
"This morning," he says. "You were sleeping outside. You looked so peaceful I didn't want to wake you."
I start to tremble and mutter some nonsense hoping to throw him off. He just stares wryly at me and I know that he suspects something is up but there is no way I want anyone to know that I have to sleep in the arms of Byakko every night just to keep myself sane and free of my demons.
I'm lucky he doesn't push the subject.
We head off to the lab right after Gushoushin tracked the place down using his laptop and additional information from his twin in JuOChoh.
I stare up at the miserable building looking back forlornly at me. Its walls were badly in need of a fresh coat of paint, and it looked as if, no one has entered its quarters for a very long time. I wrinkle my nose in distaste. "Are you sure this is the place?"
Frankly, Muraki is a psycho but he isn't exactly a slob. Somehow, he manages to do his job-if you could call it that- professionally and neatly. This building is anything but the picture of neat. He isn't afraid to show himself up at proper respectable places so why the hell did he choose this dump?
My doubts start to grow as we walk nearer and nearer to its entrance. "Are you really sure???" I ask as Shido confirmed by last question. He nods again this time and says, a tad annoyed, "Ask Gushoushin. He is the one that checked it out and he is rarely wrong."
He got me there.
I protest no further as we reach its ancient brown door. It was originally red but it turned murky after three layers of dust. Shido hesitantly tries the door knob. It opens with a loud creaking groan, causing the three of us to jump.
An inky black darkness awaits us as we stare into the door.
"Well," I say a little shakily. "After you."
Shido tries to calm himself down and after a shake of his shoulders, he forcefully strides in, followed by a nervous Gushoushin
I take a deep breath, gulp and walk into the empty darkness.
t.b.c
A/U : I don't really like this chapter v much that's why I took so long to write it down :(. Partly cause I want tsuzuki back as soon as possible but I can't just drop him back on hisoka's lap so suddenly. Sigh. Maybe next chapter. Anyhow, review please :)
A big big thank you to my reviewers : Roxane1, jerricab, serene-ai, not so innocent bystander, SapphireDragon, JJ, Sagami Senko, Strega and ethereal-tenshi
I love all your reviews :D. they are so encouraging and helpful and it well, makes me write faster too. Sometimes ;P. i know i suck at updating. muax, thank you all.
Sagami Senko: Thanks for the helpful comments. Yeap, I did read your vvv long review and realize my mistakes :) especially the parts about having two diff dialogues in one paragraph. I changed it in this chap. Thank you!