Chapter 4

Why did you Leave Me?

"So, are you satisfied now?" Enma Daioh asked sternly to a trembling shinigami, looking a bit, uh, disheveled.The room was dark, and empty, save for a rather majestic looking table made of old oak. There was a stack of papers on the corner, probably information about the souls that pass through Meifu every day. It was a bit ironic to see the powerful and divine Enma Daioh sit behind the table and slack through all the paper work like an ordinary working man. The walls were a deep crimson red, giving off a cosy impression, even though it was rather barren of anything else. And Tsuzuki had half-thought, from all the old wife's tales he had heard as a child, that when you die, you would receive your judgement in an eerie-green themed room lit with roaring fire and a fearsome God telling your fate. This somehow seems so...normal.

And he was quite clueless as to what had happened so far. He knew he tried to take his own life but that hadn't happened either because if it did, his soul would have turned to dust and nothingness and scattered all over Meifu.

Tsuzuki nodded softly to Enma's telling off, his eyes withdrawn. "It's for the best, isn't it? I made a decision."

"A rash one, without thinking of the consequences."

Tsuzuki flushed, looking down at his feet. Somehow, this second death was not what he had deemed to be. He was summoned from whichever place his soul-rather burnt, he would add- had been residing in and brought personally to Enma Daioh.

And he was quite clueless as to what had happened so far. He knew he tried to take his own life, but that hadn't happened either because if it did, his soul would have turned to dust by now and scattered all over Meifu into nothingness.

Enma sighed. He stared at Tsuzuki long and hard before speaking again. The powerful shinigami looked vulnerable and weary. His shoulders were slump, and his normally cheerful demeanor replaced with a totally resigned aura. He knew Tsuzuki had a soft heart, from the monthly reports Kachou gave him, he knew that the oldest shinigami of their division didn't take well to deaths.

Being insanely cheerful and goofy was just a mask to hide away all the pain Tsuzuki felt and the other side of him that he did not wish for anyone to know. Least of all Hisoka. Maybe it wasn't really fair of him but he did not have the courage to really let anyone peek into his past. He was scared, that if they knew, they would all turn and walk away from him. Just like the other kids did when they ran away, terrified of him, when he was a child. His colleagues had said they would not mind about his past, after all, every shinigami had his or her own dark stories to tell, which was precisely why they could not detach themselves from the world, but Tsuzuki was genuinely scared.

How ironic, Tsuzuki mused. I am the one running away from everyone now.

Despite all that, Enma Daioh had no intention of letting Tsuzuki go. Tsuzuki was their best shinigami in all of history, and although he would rather hang himself that admit it openly to the brown-haired man, Enma realized he needed to make Tsuzuki stay. "Since you, Tsuzuki, happen to be our best shinigami for over 70 years, I hope I have done the right thing by saving your soul. I won't stop you from moving on but we would prefer if you stayed."

Tsuzuki's head snapped up. He looked confused and muttered, "–saving my soul?"

"Yes, you owe Hakushaku-sama your life, or your afterworld-life, so to speak. He snuffed out your candle a moment before Touda's flames completely engulfed you and degenerated your soul."

So, they had intervened. Each shinigami was assigned a candle of life, even after death, and it wasn't much of a difference from normal people living on Earth, except that, the candle burns out after a while, signalling the death of a normal person.

Hakushaku-sama must have relit his candle of life after snuffing it out and saving his soul from the black flames.

He cringed a little at the thought of Hakushaku-sama. The lord was such a pervert that Tsuzuki shuddered to think what he would do to make Tsuzuki"return the favour" if he was back working in Meifu again.

Tsuzuki's mouth remained open as he continued to stare at Enma.

"Don't look so surprised," Enma snapped irritably. "What gives you the right to take away your soul as you wish? I give out the command," he said sternly.

Tsuzuki's cheeks turned a bright pink and he reverted his gaze back to his shoes. Hmm, it's been a while since he'd wash them. Hisoka was always complaining he was lazy and he supposed there was an ounce of truth to it.

Enma sighed again. "Tsuzuki," he said with a level of gentleness this time. "I know you've been through a lot. It's okay if you want to move on. But you just want to drop everything just like that?"

Tsuzuki looked up again before answering hesitantly, almost scared. "They are doing fine, right?"

Enma ignored him. He clasped and unclasped his hands.

"If I am not there... everything will be okay again right? So many have died because of me..." Tsuzuki stared miserably at the ceiling. Memories flashed in his mind. Every partner leaving him, not getting close enough to really know him, Tatsumi telling him that he is no longer his partner anymore...

"I'm sorry, Tsuzuki-san.I will not be working with you on this case..."

He remembered his instant panick. He knew instantly what was going to happen. It had happened many times before. He remembered hoping beyond hope that Tatsumi wasn't going to tell him those dreaded words. And so, he replied,

"Ah, that's fine. It's a piece of cake, anyway."

The rushed, choking feeling that engulfed him afterwords, waiting for Tatsumi's answer. Closing his eyes, Tsuzuki added, "Maybe, next time..."

Please, no..

"I will not be going with you."

The dreaded words echoed in his ears. So, this was it. And he had hoped Tatsumi would be the one among the many that could bear with him.

The cruel words bore a deep hole in his heart.

"Not next time, not after that either...."

What could he do? It wasn't as if he did not expect this. Everyday, he feared Tatsumi would walk away from him. Everyday, he grew closer to the blue-eyed shinigami and everyday the fear grew stronger.

It finally happened. Guess Tatsumi couldn't stand him any longer.

Forcing a bright cheery smile on his face, he pretended that nothing was wrong. That he was used to it.

"Oh, really?"

He knew Tatsumi saw through his facade, he was never good at hiding his hurt, no matter how hard he tried. But, it was over. The partnership was over.

"Tsuzuki-san..." Tatsumi said worriedly. He saw the flash of hurt in Tsuzuki's eyes.

Tsuzuki knew he had to get out of there before the tears came. He understood. Really. He was detestable, of course nobody wanted to stay long enough with him.

Wringing his hands wildly, he said, smiling, "It's allright. It's okay. I understand. I'm used to this kind of thing..."

Why...am i that hateful to be with?

He bowed, as a formal goodbye, a last testament to their partnership. "I'm sorry for troubling you, Tatsumi-san."

I'm sorry. It's all my fault.

Even so, he still held an ounce of hope that Tatsumi would perhaps change his mind.

"Thanks, Tsuzuki-san."

They shook hands.

It's over.

He walked off hurriedly, his back turned, head bowed.He didn't want to see the sympathy in Tatsumi's eyes. How many times did he see that look, on all his past partners' faces when they told him the same thing and then left, just like that, leaving him alone to wonder why was he so annoying, and hateful, that no one wanted to stay long enough with him?

Yet another one gone...

"And how many lived?"

"Huh?" Tsuzuki asked, snapped out of his daydream.

Enma grunted, annoyed. "Tsuzuki, we didn't keep you as our shinigami for more than 70 years for nothing. As painful as it is to take away lives, think about how many you have prevented from dying. I can only emphasize that none of the deaths are your fault, they are part and parcel of your job, Tsuzuki, but I cannot will your heart to realize that yourself."

"But..."

"I understand."

Tsuzuki kept quiet, preffering the silence to be his answer.

"You don't want to live anymore, is that it? " Enma said softly, smiling a little at his shinigami that he regarded as a son. He wanted Tsuzuki to stay but if he was that determined, Enma decided to let him move on. He loved Tsuzuki to some degree, but if he was this determined to go, he couldn't do anything either.

Tsuzuki simply looked back down to the floor. "Enma-sama, I have a request." His decision was made. His presence has only served to hurt those he love and care about. It would be better if he left. It would fix things.

"Before I go, I want to know how Tatsumi and the rest are doing."

Enma nodded solemnly. He waved a hand, and almost magically, out of the air, a shimmery glowing pool formed, where he could see what his ex- comrades were up to. Tsuzuki smiled affectionately at the scene where Watari blew up another one of his countless experiments and Tatsumi telling off the staff for overspending.

"He he..." Tsuzuki laughed, managing to sound somehow sad and nostalgic at the same time. "I'm going to miss them," he said in a small voice.

The shimmering pool turned back once again into nothingness. Tsuzuki's eyes widened and he turned back to the deity. "What about Hisoka? Is he okay? I'm his first partner. Are you sure he can handle things by himself? I mean, I know he can, Hisoka is tough but..."

"I'm worried about him," Enma said quietly.

Hisoka.

The shinigami rushed to the deity's table and slammed his hands full- force onto the smooth surface. "How is Hisoka doing?"

The papers on the corner of the table ruffled a little before settling down again.

Without another word, the pool in the air shimmered once more and after a few moments, Hisoka's face became clearer and clearer.

"Hisoka!!" Tsuzuki squealed happily, as if the emerald-eyed boy could hear him. His smile, however, quickly turn into a worried frown, as he noticed Hisoka wasn't being his normal, indifferent, glaring, mean self- at least, mean to Tsuzuki, anyway. His eyes were glassy, and he looked several pounds thinner. His orange shirt seemed to be hanging off his already tiny frame. He cried out in horror when he saw his young partner being comforted by Watari, the resident mad-scientist, after fainting in the workplace. Is Hisoka sick? Why is he so... broken?

"Enma-sama, is Hisoka sick?"

The deity glared at him. Tsuzuki felt somewhat stupid, feeling that he ought to know why his partner was being so depressed. Maybe Hisoka... maybe Hisoka was upset because he was gone!

"Is Hisoka upset because I left?" Tsuzuki asked, trembing a little over his words. An overwhelming sense of guilt filled his heart. Wasn't Hisoka the one and only partner who had stayed by his side for so long, when the rest of them left, too many for Tsuzuki to even remember their names? And there he was moping over the time when Tatsumi left him.....

Hisoka was the only one tolerant of him enough to stay, even after he knew and saw the darkness kept tightly leashed within Tsuzuki's heart.

All the memories of Hisoka flooded back into Tsuzuki's mind. Hisoka comforting him after Muraki killed that girl. Hisoka wiping away his tears, assuring him that he was human, Hisoka crying in his arms after Tsubaki-hime was killed, Hisoka pointing the gun at him the first time they met, Hisoka calling him 'baka' after the countless times he turned up late for work...

Hisoka was the only one who cared enough about him to stay by his side and now, he betrayed that trust by leaving him.

"Now you know why I asked you to think about the consequences for your actions?" Enma asked gently, jolting him out of his thoughts.

The realisation that he had done the same thing to Hisoka like he had been hurt so badly in the past hit him like a rock.

"You think that the rest can do very well without you but you are wrong. You are important to them, Tsuzuki, not just as your skills as a shinigami, but as a friend. You left, without wondering how they would feel if you did."

Tsuzuki felt the wetness in his eyes. "I didn't know," he hiccupped.

Enma sighed for the umpteenth time that morning and walked over to his shinigami. "I am not accepting your decision to move on, yet. You still have a few things left in your heart to resolve." And with that and a fatherly pet on Tsuzuki's shoulders, the deity disappeared, leaving the shinigami alone with the pool.

And there Tsuzuki sat for countless days, watching over Hisoka. His heart was filled with unbearable guilt as he watched his partner jolt awake every night and then cry silently over his nightmares. After a few days, Tsuzuki realized the tears stopped. Hisoka looked as if he didn't have any more emotions in him. He resembled a doll, beautiful to look at, but empty. The guilt doubled as Tsuzuki watched Hisoka gradually crawled back to his old, cold self, back when he first met him.

The pool not only showed Hisoka, it also showed him his beloved shikis. Tsuzuki felt more and more miserable as the days went by as he realized that they weren't taking it well either. Soh Ryu was becoming more and more snappy, and all was wise to keep out of his way. Touda refused to talk to anybody and Tsuzuki was sure he was blaming himself. Suzaku had fits-sometimes, she would be insanely calm, and other times, she would burst into tears. The others, well Tsuzuki couldn't tell coz they were busy trying to comfort the ones that were going mad from misery. His heart, however surged with pride and affection when he saw Byakko trying to patch things up. He was glad, at least Byakko would help increase a sense of security in Hisoka, even if it was only temporary.

Through the all-seeing pool, now, Hisoka was in a warehouse, alongside his new partner they had assigned him, Shido Fujisaki. Tsuzuki eyed Shido with scrutiny, his brows hunched, and his eyes glaring, as if to say "You better keep a good watch on Hisoka, or else." Hisoka looked distressed. That only served to increase his worry.

Is something wrong?

Hisoka's POV

The interior of the warehouse differed immensely from the exterior. It wasn't begging to have another coat of paint nor was it crying out to be demolished. Quite the contrary. Sleek metallic walls run through out the corridor, resembling some kind of a warped spaceship or a surgery room of a hospital.

The eeriness feel about the place makes my blood run cold as my footsteps echoed loudly, mirroring Shido's despite the fact that we both tried to be as quiet as possible. He said it was not worth teleporting since we don't even know the layout of the place and whether or not Muraki was behind all this nonsense although, I am willing to bet all of my socks that, that cold bastard, is definitely involved, somehow.

My breaths come out ragged as I try to calm myself down, preparing myself for the onslaught of Muraki. I can hear my heart pounding and for a while, I thought it was some other noise but the fast, rhythmic pace proved otherwise after a while.

Nearing a mechanical door, I hesitate. "Ano...Shido" I whisper, but the vastness of the corridor only served to magnify what I said until it sounded like I was booming. I wince, as if that would correct my actions.

Shido stops, one hand on the door, turning behind, looking quizzically at me. "Hisoka?" he asks. "Are you ready?"

After a momentary pause, I nod again. Gushoushin squeaks and trembles but otherwise, keeps his yellow beak shut.

Shido smiles encouragingly, hoping to give me a small ounce of comfort, before he opens the door. It glides open smoothly, without so much of a creak.

I gulp. And then I walk in, Shido at my heels, after standing aside to let me pass through.

It is empty.

I sigh-either relieved that the room is empty, or disappointed for not finding Muraki there. I scan the room, hoping for a clue, that could lead us to him.

Rusty surgery tools clutter the floor at the centre of the room, leaving me to my imaginations of what the menacing looking tools could be used as. A table heavily laden with half-finished chemical experiments ran along two walls, collecting layers of dust on the numerous test-tubes and various glassware. At the far corner of the room, there was another door.

I stride over forcefully to it, as if it will make the increasing trepidation in my heart go away. Using my right hand, I force the door open. What I see in the next room horrifies me beyond my belief.

I don't know how long I stood there, jaw slacked, beads of sweat running down my forehead, and my trembling hands gripping the door handle tightly, trying to keep myself steady. I knew all along Muraki was involved somehow. I just wasn't prepared for this. The actions that the man is actually capable of committing.

Lying on the cold metal table in the middle of the room is a young boy, barely 13, naked and shivering, but no sound escapes his mouth.

The only thing that was echoing from the bare walls is Muraki's cruel taunting voice, as he stroked the boy's hand gently, a gurgling laughter echoing from his throat. In his other hand is a knife. That did it for me, realizing what he is about to do- exactly what he did to me, three years ago.

In contrast to the other room that I just exited, this room is empty except for the operating table in which the boy was laying down upon.

I am not sure but I think I screamed, startling both the boy and Muraki. The boy looks into my eyes and I see hope, fear and desperation all rolled into his pleading gaze. My determination to save him increases.

"My, my, isn't this a nice surprise?" Muraki drawled. He smiled gently, just as a father would, to the boy lying in fear on the table. "I guess you'd just have to wait a little longer to die, boy."

His grin widens as he turns his attention to me.

"My beautiful doll, what brings you here?"

The anger restrained in me was let out. "Muraki," I hiss, with all contempt and hate I could muster. "Let him go," I say, my words laced with unspoken promises of making that psycho pay for what he has done.

"Now, now, why spoil my fun?" Muraki smiles again, pushing his glasses up to his nose. His previous inclination is forgotten as he seems more interested in me. He drops the knife, and walks over. Shido must be terrified because I am hearing squeaks from behind.

As his form draws nearer and nearer, I tell myself not to move from the spot. This doesn't faze him, in fact, it seemed as if his admiration for me is growing. "Why, Hisoka, have you gotten braver? That is certainly a surprise. I thought you would be a broken man after your beloved partner left you."

That struck a nerve. I block out images of Tsuzuki grinning goofily from my mind and realize something. He is calling me by my first name. That is odd.

He continues, talking smoothly, paying no attention to Gushoushin nor Shido. "You look thinner," he commented lightly. "I guess you were grieving, ne?"

I glare at him, but not uttering a word. Maybe I can't find the words to tell him how much I relish to drive a knife into his body, tainting his beautiful silver-white skin. Or maybe I am too scared to even say anything.

He continues approaching stealthily, and with each step he takes, the squeaks behind me grows louder and louder.

Finally he stops, just right in front of me. I never once took my gaze away from him, determined to hold it off. He seems incredibly amused by my actions and the glee in his voice when he spoke again was apparent. He cups my chin with his hand and leans in close. "So beautiful, boy," he breathes. "So, you've grown a spine since we last met. No more depending on Tsuzuki-san, I suppose.."

I try to jerk away, but the death-grip he is holding me remains firm. "Let the boy go," I say instead, looking into his mysterious, charming and dangerous silverish eyes.

"But I need my share of fun. After Tsuzuki-san died, I'm so bored," he says, pouting a little.

I cry out, trying my hardest to rip his hands off me. He withdraws his hand coolly and clicked his teeth. "There's no need to be rude, Hisoka," he frowns. He cast a glare in Shido's direction, whom by the way, is clinging on to Gushoushin for dear life. "I don't have the time nor the energy to waste on boring people like you so you need not be so worried," he says calmly to Shido, who bristled with unfathomable anger.

Then, he turns around, his white trench coat twirling about his legs, heading back to the table. "Now would you please leave? I'm busy here," he gestures towards the petrified boy and the knife gleaming on the floor.

I run forward and grab the hem of his trench coat. "Muraki," I cry out angrily. With surprising ease, he sidesteps me gracefully, leaving me to sprawl out on the floor like an idiot.

"I will visit you soon, you've grown up quite a bit," he says to me, very pleased with himself.

Shido helps me up to my feet, narrowing his eyes at Muraki. "You are insane!," he spits out, shaking his fist violently.

Muraki simply smiles at his words and says, "Why, thank you very much."

I don't think he likes Shido at all. He picks up the knife again, and starts trailing its tip lightly down the boy's arm. The boy whimpered and closes his eyes, succumbing to his fate.

Something snaps in me and I run towards the boy, launching myself fullforce towards the knife in Muraki's hand. I manage to send it flying out of his grasp and clattering on the cool floor. He stares in surprise after the knife, before regaining his composure. He looks a little irritated though. "Hisoka-kun," he practically purrs. "Do not tempt me."

Seeing red, I ran for the knife but a hand grabs my waist, preventing me from moving. He faces me and leans in close. I can feel his breath on my face. Totally and utterly helpless, I can only glare at him, refusing to look away. I left a mental note to request a change of partners if I make it alive. I can't help being mean but that useless idiot is doing nothing except squeaking in fear with the equally stoic chicken.

"Do you really wish for me to make you remember again what I did to you that night?" Muraki asks, his voice low and dangerous. I wince as he grips my waist harder, flashes of the red moon and my curse marks entering my mind. I desperately try to put my shields up higher. Having kept it locked up for so long, I am not prepared for any more mental straining. I feel his desire and anger boring into me and the images become clearer and clearer. Flashes of Tsuzuki giving up and calling for Touda, the bleeding moon of that night when he raped me only for me to suffer another three years to actually die, Tsubaki-hime who still proclaimed her love for him, even after knowing his true character, what he intends to do to me...

It is all too much.

A strangled, mad cry if hysteria escapes my mouth as I trash around wildly in vain. I've had enough. I want Tsuzuki back to protect me, like he always did by my side. I need him. I need him so badly it hurts.

My nightmare continues as he crushes his lips onto mine, drawing blood from my lips as I struggle. "Tsuzuki-san did not even struggle as much as you did," he mutters into my mouth.

"Noo!" I say desperately, pushing him away, with all the last bit of strength I could muster from within me. That worked. He lets go, and I fall back on the floor, my back slamming on to the cool surface, but the pain never registered. I just gape at him, watching him numbly, as he calmly wipes his mouth.

"Hn," he said, narrowing one eye at me. "You are just as broken as he is."

A muffled sob escapes my mouth.

Tsuzuki, where are you?

I need you.

He turns his back on me, and once more, walks towards the boy chained to the table. Looking around for the knife, he spots it lying on the far corner of the room and smiles. He heads for the sharp object.

Suddenly, I remembered.

Byakko.

I mutter the words needed to summon the tiger-god as quickly as I can under my breath. When the spell is completed, Byakko leaps out roaring, a majestic and magical air about him.

Muraki is startled and instantly displeased by the presence of my shikigami.However, he quickly recovers his composure.

"Why, this is getting more and more interesting, boy. How many more surprises are you going to give me?" he asks coolly, ignoring the snarls of the tiger-god.

I do not answer him; instead I order-no, almost begged- Byakko to rescue the boy, who was now sobbing quietly. Muraki can wait.

He nods gruffly and leaps towards the table.

"Oh no, Hisoka, you aren't going to spoil my fun," Muraki says gleefully, picking up the knife from the floor.

"Byakko," I yell. "Hurry!"

Byakko reaches the table.

Muraki took aim with the knife.

Time seems to stand still as I watch in horror; Muraki's aiming is perfect. The knife dove straight into the boy's heart. A piercing scream filled the air, as the boy cried out in pain. Five seconds later, all was silent.

The little boy had died.

A corner of Muraki's mouth lifted, as he looks at the sight of me, kneeling down in defeat. "Hmmph, you spoiled my fun a little, bouya," he says, sneering a little in contempt at the still boy lying on the table, before a magnificent bright light appeared before him, and he disappeared.

Always, always, I am so weak.I tried..to be strong.. but it wasn't enough. Muraki still wins.

I do not know how long I stayed that way, on my knees, looking at the boy. Attempts of Shido and Byakko to comfort me failed. All I remembered thinking before I sobbed into a very familiar person's arms was that "This is how Tsuzuki must have felt when he wanted to die". And then, I passed out.

t.b.c.
A/n: Don't kill me???? Please?? :3. I enjoyed writing Muraki, he's so insane it's hard to hate him..
I hope I kept Tsuzuki in character o.o, one of the reasons why i made this fic from Hisoka's POV, is because I didn't have the courage to write about Tsuzuki in the first place. He is a tough cookie .. soo.. I hope I kept him IC.

Review please.Praises(good for ego, ne:D )and constructive criticisms very very welcome(helps me improve), and flames would be cheerfully ignored and tossed into Touda's fire. Threats to update are also welcome :P. I'm horrible at updating so I need people to poke me repeatedly into doing it.
Replies to reviews :

JJ: Of course I don't mind. It helps A LOT coz i've only read the manga once O.O so i am a lil fuzzy on all the important details. thanks so much for sticking to my fic :). anyways, i hope what i wrote made sense, especially on the part where i explained how Tsuzuki was saved from the fire.... if it wasn't, then, please feel free to correct me :D.

Sapphire Dragon : I love you, you always give me so encouraging reviews. And you were the first reviewer too. And reviewed every chapter so far. :3 gives tsuzuki-plushie

Serene-ai :WAII!! I wuv you too!! Sniff sniff...your reviews are always soo encouraging. Thank you so much.

Ethereal-tenshi: :D. thank you for reviewing. I wuv you!!

Juipter Arkady : new reviewer!!

Karen Rhine: hehe, you'll have to read on then! (please? O.O) yes, inu- Tsuzuki is so kawaii desu :D.

xXLil Yu JahXx: I like your review. It was honest :). Yeap, when I reread my last chapters, I felt it wasn't good enough. Detail is always one thing I am weak at, and I am really glad you pointed it out. Makes me want to make the effort to improve and add in more detail. I hope this chapter has been an improvement. Thank you so much for reviewing :).