Casually I confide
Awake and paralysed
Forever in one word
Forever is the longest time
It's the only one I'm not sure I'll survive
This is not a new game
So don't think that you know
Can you see these blood shot eyes
Can you see
That my strength is failing
I can't go on this way
This hearts not beating
It just doesn't seem the same
My strength is failing
I can't go on this way
Promise me
Promise me
Promise me you will not ever leave
Funeral For a Friend-Recovery
He sat there for what seemed an eternity, the gun dangling limply from his hand.
He took a long deep breath, trying to contemplate what just happened. He could feel the blood, but he didn't care. He took another long swig of scotch, just sitting there, staring into space.
He heard one, then another kick on the door and watched, distant, as the locks, then the hinges gave way and she walked in. There was a sharp intake of breath as she took in the sight. "I flinched." he said simply, taking another long gulp of scotch.
"Garret!" She gasped, throwing her arms around him. "Garret-you're alive!" Her cheeks were wet with tears as she nestled her head in the hollow of his neck. "Garret-I-I-I thought." He wasn't sure what the tears were from this time. He assumed joy. But he wasn't quite sure.
"Thought I was gone. No, I even fucked that up." She shook her head vehemently against him. She looked so fragile, so broken. She looked up at him.
"You're bleeding." She pointed out, gently touching the back of his head. He shrugged. He couldn't feel it, it didn't hurt that much. He just knew that it was there, it was a dull throb, and he could feel the blood dripping down his neck.
"Yeah." He said as she looked at it.
"You need stitches." He shrugged.
"I'm fine." He didn't want to talk. He was supposed to be dead. He wasn't supposed to be here, he was supposed to be in whatever the afterlife was.
"Garret, you've got a six inch long gash along the back of your head where you missed. At least let me stitch it." He shrugged and took another gulp. He didn't care. Let her do what she wanted ."Garret, are you there?" He turned to look at her.
"Look at me Jordan, I can't even kill myself properly-I've tried three times and failed three times, I just want to be free from everything. The scotch helped, but it stopped, and it started again, up until now. Now she's there, haunting me, I can't take it anymore Jordan, just let me go, there's five more bullets in there." He put the gun back up to his head, pulling the hammer back and she grabbed his arm, pulling it back down.
"Garret, don't. You've failed three times, you don't really want to die, you don't really want this. You want to survive Garret, there's still the you I know lurking in there, there's still the spark, the fight in there, you're not done yet Garret." She was begging, pleading, sobbing. She didn't want to see him dead.
"I'm done. I'm dead, Jordan, I'm just going through the motions. I've been dead for a long time, I've just been taking up space, breathing, sleeping, drinking, but never living. I haven't felt alive in almost a year. It's been eight months Jordan, eight months and I can't get over it. Just leave me alone and let me do this."
She pulled him close. "Garret, I'm not going to let you-you mean too much to me. If you go, I'm going to take that gun and do the same thing to myself-I don't have anything else. My dad's run off, Woody isn't there, Lily and Bug and Nigel have all been avoiding me, they don't want to know what's wrong, they just leave me alone, and if you go, it's going to break apart everything that we have. Garret, you're the only thing I have left-" She was sobbing into his shirt.
He held her close. Was he really the only thing she had? He didn't want her to go too, he wasn't going to drag her down with him, he didn't want to. "You have so much more than I have-my reputation was destroyed, I'm going to be retiring soon, I don't have all that much time left anyway-you still have to go get married, have kids, get to the top, grow up, I've done all that, and want to end it all, on my own terms." He kissed her gently on the forehead. "Now go, Jordan, let me be."
She didn't loosen her death grip on him. "I can't, Garret. I can't let you do this. I'll do anything Garret, just don't do this, you can get better, you can get something to make the nightmares stop, there's something you can do, you're not lost Garret, you're not so far down that you can't climb back up." She sounded so convincing. He wanted to believe her.
He wanted to do something. He wanted to get rid of the nightmares. He didn't want to hurt her. He just sat there, letting the gun fall from his fingertips. She picked it up and set it down on the table, and just held onto him for life itself. He wrapped his one arm around her, letting the tears fall down and soak his shirt.
The alcohol was wearing off and he could feel the stinging pain in the back of his head. He winced slightly and she looked up at him, at the blood that was starting to dry. "Don't you keep a suture kit?" She asked and he nodded.
"In the closet." She got up and handed him the bottle in the process.
"Drink up, this is going to be your last one ever. I'm not going to let you do this Garret, I don't care what it takes, I can't let you slide off the deep end like this again." He merely nodded. She was more talking at him than to him.
He could hear the words, he was listening, but it wasn't affecting him. He didn't care. He was beyond caring. The antiseptic felt cold and bit into him as she gently cleaned the wound. It wasn't that deep, but it stretched from just about ear to ear. He doubted if you could even see the bone, despite the lack of flesh there.
She was quick and adept with the needle though, stitching him up with a practiced ease. "Jordan?" He asked as she curled back around him. She felt so comfortable there, so right, his protector, his savior, the one who had been on his mind the entire time.
"What is it?" She asked.
"Why do you care so much?" He didn't know why she was doing this.
"Because I love you Garret, you're the one who saved me, you're the only one I have left-I have no one else to love. All of the others that are my friends, they just aren't the same-you know more about me than anyone, even my father. I trust you more than anything Garret, and I love you for that, No matter what happens, what you do, you're still Garret. And I don't care what you do so long as you're happy. Do what it takes Gar, I'm going to be here for you. I'll do anything for you." He held her close to him.
He was sick of the pain. He was sick of hurting, of drinking to make the pain go away hating it when the pain got worse and worse when he was sober. He was sick of failing at suicide. He was sick of everything. He looked at her, nestled against him. She would do anything. She said it. She met his eyes with her own. "Jordan-" He croaked softly. He didn't want to admit defeat. "Please. Help."
She looked stunned for a minute before she leaned up and kissed him gently out of what looked like sheer joy. "Anything Garret, I'm more than willing." The grin on her face made him feel better, whether he wanted to or not. Maybe she was right, maybe there was that spark in him that didn't want to go out. Maybe he still had a chance. Maybe this time he was going to make it.
A/N-this is a happy compromise between the Jordan in my head who wanted to turn this into a romance, my Beta reader who wanted nothing else but to see him live, and myself. well, not really, they won. I lost. I wanted to end it with the last chapter told from Jordan's point of view, she hears the gunshot ring out and just leans over the wheel of her car, sobbing. I have it all pictured in my head, just the sound, Jordan wincing, a second long pause and then the tears. But no, people didn't want that, so Garret lives-at least to see a sequel. The sequel is much much less angsty than this one, it's pure fluff compared to this...
I got my way by killing him off-twice-in two drabbles that'll show up sooner or later on here. He just didn't die here. I wrote a nice drabble that uses the slump over the wheel of the car scene. And another one where he's dead and it's everyone kinda reacting to it.
And Jules-he knew all along how selfish it was-hence his constantly reinforcing the way he tells Jordan to stop caring-he knows he's going to hurt her and doesn't want to.
And I would also like to thank all my faithful reviewers, seriously, if it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't have enjoyed this fic at all...well, I would have loved writing it, but not posting it, Jinubean, Keridwen, Jules, all of you, you guys are what make writing fun for me-reading all your great reviews as to why you love it, and GE-I know I already know what you think. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy having the good stats. This fic has gotten me a 3-1 review ratio when all is said and done, and it's the best I've ever gotten on a multi-chapter fic, it's also something to make me proud in that it's the first multichap I've written where each chap averages about 1000 words...I feel good. And proud. And that's largely because of you guys, thanks.