A/N: It's official…. I'm warped…. This chapter is not going to make ANY sense at all…. Even I'M confused and I'M writing it…. Again I'm in English…. Heh-heh I can't help it…. This lesson makes me want to write. Enjoy
A/N2: Um Nelius's description is that he's in his 40's and is very tall and thin with glasses and a flat cap (I don't know why he wears one either).
DIS: Um…. I don't own the battle concept?…. It's sort of a rip off of the Ant and Dec Poké battles they used to do on Sat mornings…. I swear they were Hilarious!
DayKnightmare: A Parody Of Sorts
Chapter 9: The quest continues Again….And again…. And again…. And again….And again…. And again!!!
When we left our intrepid adventurers we were in a right state. M.G drunk on birthday spirit and a fair amount of alcohol was unconscious on the floor, completely unaware of the precarious situation brewing on the right side of reality. Nelius her mentor, the second rogue author had breached the castle walls and was looking for a face off with the slightly less experienced Sparrow.
NEILUS: Ah Sparrow…. Been a while hasn't it?
SPA: PS OFF RIGHT NOW!! YOU TRAITOROUS SON OF A…..
NEILUS: Now that's no way to speak to your elders is it….?
SPA: HA! I spit on that comment, you're only an elder in age not wisdom….
NEILUS: Oooo getting all philosophical now are we…. I see the little madam over there has been teaching you the way of the fanfic author well, not well enough but well….
SPA: THAT'S NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS!!! M.G is a better teacher than you'll ever be…. Because she is my friend!! She won't sell me out just because the price is right….
NEILUS: Harsh words from such a young lady…. You shouldn't speak like that you might mar that pretty little tongue…. –Grins sardonically-
SPA: -Laughs- Harsh words…. We haven't even started….
NEILUS: Now that's fighting talk…. But I wouldn't be so confident…. You have to be sharp to survive in this world and I'm about as sharp as they come.
SPA: You're all talk Neilus and I am going to make you PAY for what you put M.G through.
NEILUS: -Laughs- You're pitiful…. But fine whatever you want…. I'll pay if you do!
SPA: WHAT!!??
NEILUS: Let's make things a little more interesting…. If I win… not only do I get this fic…. But I also get M.G's Laptop of secrets….
SPA: What!!.... I can't…. that's her very life…. She'd kill me if I lost it!
NEILUS: -HORRIBLE spine shingling laugh- Ah but what you get in return may be worth the risk…. I'll give you what you want…. My quill of eloquent wording as well as well as full control over the fic. I won't bother you again…. Should you win?
SPA: -Thinking- I can't barter with the Laptop…. It has all M.G's stuff on it. She'd die if she knew Neilus had won it off me…. But we really need that quill…. And what did he means before when he said you're friend will never wake up?........
NEILUS: AH…. You're finally starting to get it…. you see you have no choice but to enter this little competition…. Because your 'Friend' is under my control…. There was a special ingredient in that drink you gave her…. One, which consumed in large quantities, will make her sleep forever unless cured by this antidote… -Holds up vial-
SPA: -Insert swearing rant that can not be repeated due to explicit nature-
NEILUS: -Ears hurt- Ouch that was some colourful language
SPA: I suppose coming from you that is a compliment….
NEILUS: Well let's end this now shall we…. If you're not too chicken….
SPA: Chicken is a tasty meat…. And I don't think I'm a tasty meat at all…. I'm actually quite tough!! Bring it on OLD MAN!!!
NEILUS: Ha your youthful inexperience will be your downfall!!!
TRE: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON UP THERE!!!!
SPA: WE'VE BEEN INVADED!!! JUST HOLD THINGS TOGETHER DOWN THERE… I GOT SOME ASS WHUPPIN TO DO!!!
TRE: We've been INVADED!!!???
SPA: Just don't pay any attention for a while…. It's gonna get real loud and messy!
NEILUS: You're scared I can see it…. Lets work on that fear…. Come forth Almighty Little Sister of Annoyance….
-Out of Nowhere 'Red' Sparrow's sister appears-
SPA: NOOOO!!!
RED: I thought I told you to do this…. And that and stop stealing my shoes…. (And so on and so forth)
SPA: -Wincing- Argh No… must fight…. I summon FANGIRL MANIA to counteract your Little Sister of Annoyance!!
-Out of nowhere Westlife appears-
SPA: God I'm really glad M.G's not awake…. She'd have my hide right about now….. (M.G A/N: I HATE Westlife)
RED: OOOOOOHHHHHHHH MMMMMMMYYYYYYY GGGGGGGGOOOOOOODDDDDD!!!! –Faints-
SPA: Ha! Take that!
NEILUS: -Laughs- Ha indeed…. That was just a tester…. Now face…. Week Old Smelly Socks…
SPA: EWWWWW GROSSSSSS!!! Oh the smell –Goes Green-…. But this is no match for my Faffy Girly Toiletries!! Ha wipe out that stuffy stinky crap…..
NEILUS: DAMN! Clearly you have more things up your sleeve than I anticipated! Well no worries… I shall soon wear you down! You are no match for me Miss Sparrow!
SPA: Ugh… enough with the Miss already… I hate formalities!!
NEILUS: Well time to boogie and attack with The Dance Mat Of DOOM!!! (A/N: More random obsessions of ours)
SPA: ARGH!!! URGH… Can't stop dancing –Is dancing in Random fashions- Gotta fight against the groove…. YAA!!
NEILUS: Give up…. I've taken down much stronger opponents with this move…. You can't beat it!
SPA: I can and I WILL!! I gotta win this for M.G's sake!! I summon No More Credit GAME OVER!!!
NEILUS: WHAT!! How could you know that….?
SPA: Told you M.G taught me well…. You seriously underestimated me….
NEILUS: Maybe I did, maybe I didn't…. now I know what you're capable of it's time to pull out the big guns!!!
SPA: Ha you've got nothing left!
NEILUS: Haven't I..? Come on out then Niggling Doubts… tear her confidence down!
SPA: WHAT THE HELL IS NIGGLING DOUBTS?????
NEILUS: You'll see…. –Smiles mysteriously- I don't believe I have much else to do!
R.V1: Sparrow… you don't really think you can win this do you, he's too strong.
R.V2: And if you lose then what'll happen… M.G is never going to speak to you again if you lose her laptop….
SPA: NO NO NOOOOO!! THAT'S NOT TRUE!!!! SHE'S MY FRIEND SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT!!!
R.V1: Sure she wouldn't…. I'm sure you losing everything she's ever done would be just fine and dandy… she'll hate you….
R.V2: You know you're going to lose… why not just give in to the inevitable….
SPA: -Falls to knees- No…. you're ….wrong…. Because…. I'm….Not…. Gonna…. Lose…. But so…. Hard to…. Fight.
M.G: -As random little voice at the back of Sparrows mind- Come on Sparrow you can do it! It doesn't matter about the Laptop…. I would rather lose that than a friend… that's what we've always said remember….
SPA: -Nods- But how…. Can I…. Beat him???
M.G: -Still as random spirit voice- You can do it…. You know exactly what you've got that he doesn't…. and it's the only way to beat him….
SPA: What is it that I got??
M.G: -Groans and slaps forehead- Friendship dummy…. Now go kick his keester!
SPA: ALRIGHT NEILUS THE JIG IS UP…. YOU'RE ASS AND QUILL ARE MINE!!! I will take you out with TRUE FRIENDSHIP CONQUERS ALL!!!!
NEILUS: Impossible!!!! There is no such thing….
SPA: AH but there is…. It's a move M.G developed and so therefore you have no idea about it…. Say your Prayers you low-life piece of scum…. Because you're going down YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! –Unleashes true Friendship Conquers All-
NEILUS: NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! –Engulfed by light-
SPA: It's over…..
NEILUS: -Slumps to the floor- No I can't be beaten…. I just can't….
SPA: Hand over the quill Neilus…. I beat you fair and square!!
NEILUS: Fine…. Take it!
SPA: And the antidote….
NEILUS: Fine…. Take it all…. Just leave me be….
SPA: I don't think so…. –Snaps fingers-
-Neilus is trapped in a magical cage-
NEILUS: HHEEEYYY NO FAIR!!!!
SPA: VERY FAIR!!! So shut up moaning!!
-Throws antidote down M.G's throat-
M.G: -Stirs- Huh… what the hell just happened…. OWWWWW HANGOVER!!!!
SPA: She's alive YAY!!! –Dances around-
M.G: Enough with the dancing…. What happened?
SPA: Um…. Well Neilus broke in and drugged you….
M.G: WHAT!!!!!! Ow again with the hangover OOOWWWIIEE!!!!
SPA: Well he kinda challenged me and he wanted your laptop….
M.G: OMG!!! You didn't lose my Laptop did you!!..... Wait a minute you didn't…. I remember something…. I saw you…. I was helping you…. But I was out cold….. how??
SPA: I don't know either…. It's kinda weird…. But well I caned his ass and got the quill for you…. And then locked him in the cage over there.
M.G: You beat him…. Alright!! Way to go Sparrow!!!... –Wipes tear- I'm so proud!! –Glares at Neilus- You and me got some catching up to do Neilus….
NEILUS: -Gulps-
TRE: Is it safe to come out yet?
M.G: Yeah it is…. Sparrow kicked his ass in righteous style!
SPA: -Blushes-
TRE: Thank god for that…. I though we were in serious trouble there….
M.G: Nothing to fear with us on the case….
SPA: AHEM!
M.G: -Laughs- Okay you on the case…. You did good mate!
SPA: -Looks proud- OH YEAH!!! –Does Homer style whoop dance-
ALL: -Laugh-
TRE: Someone is happy….
SPA: You bet I am!!
NEILUS: LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!
M.G: Oh…. Almost forgot about you –Glares- Sparrow…. Do I have permission to wreck unholy vengeance on him?
SPA: Go ahead…. Do what you want with him!!
M.G: First of all –Snaps fingers, Neilus is dressed in a spangly showgirlesqe frock-
NEILUS: Oh the inhumanity!!!
SPA: You really have a thing for drag don't you…?
M.G: I can't help it…. It really amuses me….
SPA: You're unbelievable….
M.G: YUP!!! And now for phase two…
SPA: Authors hell?
M.G: -Nods- Authors Hell!! Plot Bunnies division….
NEILUS: NOOOO NOT THE PLOT BUNNIES!!!!!
M.G: Too late now…. Buh bye now!!! –Cage disappears down hole-
NEILUS: NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo –Echo thing again-
SPA: Oh yeah, we won! –Does random happy dance again-
M.G: Yup we did! Hey Treguard…. Unfreeze the crazy bunch will ya…. We gotta get moving!
TRE: YES MAM! –Finishes his Rap style Groin Dance-
SPA: Again SOOOOO wrong!!!
-The Crazy bunch unfreeze-
GAR: You will never know how much I hate that!
CLA: Amen!
TRE/ PIC/ AUTHORS: -Grin mischievously-
CHR: What did we miss….
M.G: Oh nothing really…. Just Sparrow kicking ultimate butt…
CONTESANTS: WHAT?????
SPA: Neilus turned up here while you guys were frozen! I had to sort him out good style –Grins-
CONTESTANTS: WHA…????
GAR: You mean 'The Bloody Enemy' Is no more?
M.G: Correct….
J.LO: But what about the quill? You did get it didn't you? –Shudders- I don't wanna be a guy again!
SPA: Don't get your oversized panties in a twist…. Of course we got it! Here CATCH!
-The quill flies trough to J.Lo-
J.LO: ALRIGHT!!!
TRE: Better call Merlin!!
J.LO: OI MERLIN GET YOUR SCRAWNY BEARDED ASS HERE NOW!!!
M.G: Ohhhh Boy, he ain't gonna like that!!!
-Merlin appears-
MER: WHY YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WENCHY PERSON! I AM NOT SCRAWNY!!! I'M JUST UNDER NOURISHED!
ALL: -Look very confused-
J.LO: Under nourished I'd say that about fits the bill!
MER: When you're finished making fun of my physical state can you please explain WHY THE HELL!! You called me out at this hour???
SPA: Merlin it's 11:30 in the morning! It's not that late or that early for that matter!
MER: WHAT… IT IS!!! Dammit I'm gonna miss my Yoga class!
ALL: YOGA!!!???
MER: Of course… How else do you think I've stayed so supple for the last few centuries….
GAR: I have a feeling I'd rather not think about any other possibilities.
ALL: -Nod-
MER: Enough…. What have you impudent and downright annoying people called me here for??
J.LO: Um…. Well we have the quill!!!
MER: -Looks very shocked- YOU DO!!! I mean…. Ah hell you do..???
J.LO: -Mutters- Senile old coot!
MER: What was that….
J.LO: I said I want some beer with root!
ALL: -Groan-
MER: Oh…. I'm sure we can supply some for you later. Gotta scoot…. Tootles!!
-Disappears in a puff of smoke-
M.G: Is it me or is he getting weirder by the minute?
SPA: He is… he truly is!
TRE: Guys and gals I hate to sound like a nag but we really need to move onwards!
M.G: Okay, okay!
GAR: RIGHT!!! Lets move it!
J.LO: Okay where am I going….
CLA: Take two steps to the right and walk forward….
-J.Lo does so and walks into next room. A huge cavern and to one side there is a tower and on it is a woman-
R.W: HALT!!
J.LO: Oh WHAT NOW!!!! –Looks miffed-
R.W: How dare you use that tone of voice! Bow down to me as I am all powerful on this level.
M.G: I suggest you bow…. That's Lynnette! Ruler of level two. (Yes I'm aware this is off, but I couldn't remember her name SOWWY)
TRE: I heartily concur with her J.Lo…. she's not a very nice person, not very nice at all.
J.LO: But I bow to NO ONE!!
LYN: You will bow to me unless of course you WANT to be killed…
SPA: Just do as she says J.Lo…. We can't interfere with her…. She can cane you good style.
J.LO: I ain't liking it, but I'll do it... –Bows-
LYN: That's better…. Now identify yourself traveller…. And I will decide whether or not to grant you safe passage!
J.LO: My name is J.Lo…. And you'd better remember it.
LYN: I am Lynette, Mistress of level two. All that you see around you is mine.
J.LO: -Mutters- And you guys say I have an ego.
LYN: Enough chit chat…. I will grant you safe passage if you can gift me with something.
J.LO: Guys what should I do…. I can't believe I actually said that.
GAR: Give her the Yo-yo…. It's all you have….
LYN: I'm waiting….
J.LO: All I can offer you is this Yo-yo….
LYN: You try to buy me off with a child's toy…. Pathetic, truly pathetic!
J.LO: Hey it isn't my fault they give crappy items….
AUTHORS: HEY!!!!
LYN: -Looks startled- Who was that???
M.G: It was us idiot…. We're the writers of this insanity….
LYN: Writers…? Ah yes I've heard all about you. You are the talk of the town so to speak at the moment…. Your defeat of Neilus and Johno was quite a remarkable feat…. They were very powerful…. I was hoping I might meet with those who vanquished them.
AUTHORS: -Look confused- Um…. Why?
LYN: Because I have a proposition for you that's why….
M.G: Go on?
LYN: Well how about I remove all obstacles on level two, bar the ones Lord Fear has placed…. And there are very few….
SPA: What do you want in return?
LYN: Hmmm…. There are many things I crave…. You could not possibly give me what I need.
M.G: -Growls- Quit playing!! What do you want??
LYN: I want a date with Treguard!
ALL: -Anime style shock pose- WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
LYN: I have adored you from a far for years…. Please…. Please say you'll go out with me, just this once.
TRE: Errrrr??
M.G: Treguard I'm not one to make threats….
ALL: -Give her 'The Look'-
M.G: Oh shut up up!
ALL: But we didn't say anything!
M.G: -Annoyed- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! Anywho…. You had better say yes…. It would make things so much easier…. Come on it's only one date….
TRE: Errr…. Well she's not exactly my type….
SPA: I wasn't aware you had a type –Raises Eyebrows-
TRE: I usually prefer less of the 'One wrong move and you die' attitude…. Just one?
SPA: Just one….
TRE: Okay then!
AUTHORS: YAY!!!! Lynette you have yourself a deal!!
LYN: Wonderful…. The J.Lo….. I therefore grant you safe passage through this room….
J.LO: -Whoops- YAY! –Walks forward-
LYN: Wait…. I think I forgot to….
-J.Lo suddenly plummets through a hole in the floor-
J.LO: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!! Huh I've stopped? But how?
-Notices that Yo-yo is wrapped around a rock, suspending her in mid-air-
J.LO: Okay that's just weird.
M.G: Amen to that…. But it saved your hide. Can't call it useless now can you?
J.LO: Okay fair enough…. Oh yeah and THANKS FOR THE WARNING!!!!
LYN: Sorry!! –Blushes-
J.LO: Can someone please get me up please!
TRE: Any idea's?
CLA: How about that spell we found….
CHR: Sounds good to me….
ALL: Spellcasting T-R-A-N-S-P-O-R-T, TRANSPORT!!
-J.Lo is magically transported to the other side-
J.LO: Nice going morons! –Walks through door-
-Bell gongs J.Lo is frozen just as she goes through the door-
TRE: Phew…. Glad that's over….
M.G: Amen! Treguard if you will?
TRE: Of course –Does breakdance head spin and almost knocks Pickle out. The trio freeze-
PIC: My Lord you almost crowned me then.
TRE: -Shrugs-
M.G: Yeah that was cool Treguard! Do it again.
TRE: can't until you want the spell reversing!
AUTHORS: DANG!!!
TRE: -Sigh- Now we just gotta wait….
AUTHORS: -Evil little chuckle- Oh no you don't Treguard….
TRE: WHA!!??
SPA: We're getting you ready for your date….
M.G: Yup!!
AUTHORS: -Cackle evilly-
TRE: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
And so we leave the scene there, with Treguard being put through the torture of date preparation. Things are certainly looking up. At long last the bloody enemy have been defeated and packed off to Authors hell…. They shouldn't be coming back anytime soon…. At least we don't think so…. Prepare for more insanity in the next instalment of DayKnightmare: A Parody Of Sorts!!!