Chapter Eight: Snow Wing Takes Flight

April, 1981…Remus is back at headquarters, asleep…

A sudden rapping on the window jerked Remus out of a very sound sleep. He had barely moved when the knock sounded again.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," said Remus grumpily to the owl who was beating hard at his window. "Keep your feathers on."

Remus let the owl in, took the letter from its beak, and before he could so much as give it a pat on the head, it had taken off through the open window. The letter was only one page long and was not in an envelope, but had been folded over and sealed with a wax stamp anyway. He slit open the note and saw a dispatch that was so hastily and shakily written that if he had not recognized the pattern on the seal, he would not have known who had sent it.

Dear Remus,

There's been an accident. Ermengarde has been injured terribly. We can't take her into hospital, it's too risky. Dumbledore's seen her and says there's not much more we can do for her than a Healer could, at any rate, and she's probably more comfortable here than in some hospital. You should probably come here as soon as possible, though, just to see her in case there are any complications and we do have to take her into St. Mungo's after all.

Sincerely,

Lily

Remus read Lily's letter at least eight times before it really sunk in. Then, all in one motion, he pocketed the letter, gathered up his coat and hat, and bolted out the door.

"Remus!"

Lily had just opened the door and looked shocked to see Remus there already. He was sure that his appearance was another reason she looked so taken aback. His face was paler than usual and his greying hair was very windswept from sprinting up the garden path. Lily stepped aside and let him inside, then took his coat and hat.

"Where is she?" said Remus without ado.

"She's in our room, asleep, but I'm sure she'd be glad to wake up to see you."

James was now entering the foyer, looking surprised and relieved to see his friend. He held out his hand and Remus shook it.

"Thank God you're here," said James. "So our letter got to you okay?"

"Yeah, I got it straight away," said Remus. "So, can I see her?"

"Yeah, sure."

James and Lily went upstairs with Remus, all three being careful to tiptoe.

"So…so how is she, really? Your letter was so vague," said Remus.

Lily gave James a significant look, then spoke in a whisper so soft Remus had to lean forward to hear a word.

"She's not well, Remus. Not at all well. Like Dumbledore said, a hospital's not an option. They couldn't do any more for her than we have and she wouldn't have privacy there. At least here, she's with friends all the time. But you should know, she's very different from when you last saw her."

"Different how?"

"Just…she's weak. When you talk to her, be patient. She's speaking very hoarsely and slowly, and she's not always able to focus her eyes. She's lucid, though, so no worries there. She'll know who you are and what you're saying. But she's very ill, so just be gentle."

"Of course I will be," said Remus, now feeling very apprehensive about seeing Ermengarde. "But what exactly happened?"

James and Lily looked at each other once more, then Lily spoke more nervously than Remus ever remembered.

"Remus, she – she was attacked by a werewolf."

Remus felt the colour drain from his face, as though it were water draining from a sink. James had put an arm around him to prevent him swaying.

"She what? She what?" said Remus wildly.

"It was the full moon and she was on night duty, and…" said James, trailing off. "She was bitten in the leg and scratched very badly, but then Lily heard her yell and came running and fought him off. We brought her inside and tried to care for her, but there was nothing left to do."

"Who was it?" asked Remus.

"I don't know," said Lily. "I did the Homorphus on him – that got him out of werewolf form pretty quickly – and he got away before I could do any more."

"This is my fault," said Remus at once. "I shouldn't have insisted she stay here. Why didn't I see it? He must have seen me when I was here last month, he must have –"

"Stop it, Remus," said James firmly. "This isn't anyone's fault, least of all yours. All you've ever done is try to protect her."

"And well done me," said Remus. "Well…I want to see her."

"Of course, of course, she's in here," said Lily.

Lily started to open the door, but James stopped her and turned to Remus, leaned his head close to his, and spoke very softly.

"Look, mate," he whispered. "Anything you've got to tell her, that you want her to know – be sure you say it, right?"

"Right," said Remus.

"Okay, are you ready?" asked Lily, hand on the doorknob.

"Yes, yes, I'm ready. Let me in," said Remus, running a hand over his face apprehensively.

Lily opened the door carefully and let Remus in, closing the door behind him. Remus walked slowly to Ermengarde's bed, not waking her just yet. For a moment, he took in the sight before him. Ermengarde's face looked much thinner and chalk-white than he had ever seen. She had dark circles under her eyes. Her hair, though carefully braided by Lily, was unclean and somewhat frizzier than usual. Remus reached out a hand and stroked her cheek softly, and Ermengarde's eyes fluttered open.

"Remus," she said in a throaty, slightly slurred voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you, of course," said Remus, smiling. He found he was unable to speak much louder than a whisper. "How are you feeling?"

"Better than before."

"Good, that's good. Listen, Ermengarde…is there anything I can do for you?"

"No."

The way Ermengarde said "no" was so final, so terrible, that Remus would have rather she hadn't answered him at all. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and kept on stroking her cheek for a moment, then moved to her hair. She closed her eyes and cleared her throat harshly.

"Listen, Remus," she started to say, but coughed a few times before being able to continue. "I want you to promise me that you won't let this get in your way. You must keep fighting."

"Of course I'll fight."

"No, I mean after I…well, just…keep fighting."

"You'll be fine," Remus said a little too forcefully. "You'll be okay."

"No, Remus, I won't," said Ermengarde, just as firmly.

"You will."

"I'm not going to survive this, I know it. I've accepted it. I need you to do the same, and to promise that you won't let it keep you from fighting. It's for the greater good, you know."

"The only good I'm concerned about is yours," said Remus.

"Remus, please," said Ermengarde, and she moved her petite hand up to Remus's and held it as tightly as she could manage.

He saw on her hand the raised, rough scars, black and grey and horrible. Remus felt his eyes burning, but made sure he wouldn't let Ermengarde see him upset.

"We both knew the risks," said Ermengarde. "We both knew what we were getting ourselves into."

"I should have insisted you stay with me. Then you'd have been at mine, not here…you'd have been safe."

"I wasn't attacked in the house, I was on guard. You know that perfectly well. If I'd been on guard at your flat, it could just as easily have happened there."

They were silent for a few moments. Ermengarde's eyes suddenly closed sleepily.

"Ermengarde?" said Remus warily. "Ermengarde!"

Her eyes snapped open.

"Sorry," she muttered.

"No, it's okay, I just worried."

Ermengarde smiled at him sadly.

"You're going to do such great things," she said. "I know this. You're going to be a teacher and a hero to so many. I'll be so proud."

"Please, Ermengarde, don't talk like this…"

"And so many will love you. And who knows? Maybe some lovely woman will come along."

"No, I couldn't love anyone but you," said Remus resolutely.

"But just in case, I give my blessing ahead of time," said Ermengarde as though she hadn't heard him.

"And anyway, you're going to be all right. You will," Remus insisted.

"No, Remus, I'm not going to make it. I'm sorry."

"How can you just lie there and act so fine with this all?" asked Remus, fighting harder than ever to keep his tone even.

"I'm not fine with it. You think I like knowing I won't last much longer? I have no time left. This is it. I feel it. I don't like it any more than you, but I've accepted that I've done my part in life. Now you have to move on and do yours."

"I shouldn't have waited to marry you," said Remus. "We should have got married straight away."

"Would it have made a difference?" asked Ermengarde. Remus didn't respond.

Ermengarde started coughing once more and tried to pull herself into a sitting position. When her coughs became more violent, Remus moved to her bed, helped her sit up, and thumped her gently on the back. Her coughs subsided and she slumped against Remus with a bit of a whimper. Remus held her close and listened as she took deep, shuddering breaths. Remus remembered what James had said about telling Ermengarde anything he wanted her to know.

"Ermengarde, I just wanted to tell you…you know how much I love you, don't you?"

Ermengarde did not respond, but her breathing was slow and even.

"And – and a few months ago, when I sent you to stay here, it was because I wanted you safe more than anything. It wasn't anything to do with my feelings for you. You do know that, right, Ermengarde? I just thought it was best for you. Obviously, I was mistaken, but…please, you have to understand."

Ermengarde made no indication that she'd heard, but Remus felt her nestling in to his hold, her head nodding slightly for a moment, then settling against his chest.

"Look, I…look, it's just that it's been hard being without you for so long, you understand? I know it's been hard on you as well. I wish so much I could have been there when this happened to you…I could have stopped it, I just know it. I wish I'd never had to go off, but you know, what with Lily and James and Harry. I love you and I didn't want to leave, but you know I just wanted to do good and protect everyone, especially you…"

Remus trailed off, recognising he was rambling. He hugged Ermengarde tighter and tried to calm his nerves. He gave her a kiss on the forehead and released his grip to be able to look her in the eye. As he did, he noticed her head was hanging limply.

"Ermengarde?" he whispered, hardly daring to speak at all.

He lifted her chin, but she did not open her eyes.

"Ermengarde. Snow Wing…Ermengarde, come on!"

He shook her, first carefully, then more forcefully as he realised she was still not waking.

"Someone help!" Remus shouted at the door. Moments later, Lily and James had burst in.

"What is it, Remus?" James asked.

"Something's happened!"

Remus could barely think straight. His heart was pounding and he could feel the blood rushing in his head. He knew his hands were shaking, but he made no effort to steady them. James went over to Ermengarde and prised her away from Remus. When Remus kept trying to get back to Ermengarde's side, Lily pulled him away and into the hall. She put her hands right on his shoulders and looked him straight in the eye.

"Remus, you've got to calm down for your own sake," she said. "There's nothing you can do."

"She's – she just…."

"There's nothing you can do," Lily repeated.

"No, no, no, that's not fair," said Remus, feeling totally dazed.

"Shh," said Lily, taking Remus into a hug that he fought and got away from. "It'll be all right."

"How can it?" Remus asked Lily. "She didn't hear what I had to say…she couldn't hear me tell her anything…she was gone before I'd finished…"

"You don't know that. I'll bet she heard everything," said Lily soothingly.

James came out of the room, closed the door, and shook his head. Lily grabbed hold of Remus once more to prevent him running back to Ermengarde and James helped her lead him downstairs, Remus cursing himself all the way.