Caedmon regarded himself in the mirror, and wondered for perhaps the one thousandth time what his creators had been thinking.
Actually, he knew what they had been thinking, or rather hadn't been thinking. He was a generic combat unit created for the Hunters. He might as well have had 'cannon fodder' tattooed across his forehead and be done with it. Not the sort of Reploid anyone at his parent company would spend any time personalizing. Not the kind of Reploid they would waste any thought on.
And so they hadn't. His hair was light brown, framing a face that was simply… average. Brown eyes set in a face that was unexceptional in any way, good or bad. Not ugly, no, but he would almost have preferred that. At least then, people might remember his name. His body was average, too. Not too small, not too big, compact and light. His armor was light green and about as generic as it came. Even his personality was average. Not particularly witty, funny, or smart, he was painfully shy and awkward in social gatherings. His combat skills were also average. Not particularly fast or slow, strong or weak, just… average.
The only thing he excelled at was surviving. But it was a shameful gift. He'd wondered, more than once, why he always seemed to be the one to scrape free of the worst situations. So many people who were better, faster, stronger and with more to live for perished while he just kept going on. People with family and friends. Caedmon had been made just a year after X had been discovered, and he was probably the oldest Reploid in the building besides X and Zero. What had spared him? Dumb luck?
But maybe he was doing himself a disservice. Part of the reason he always seemed to make it was that he never lost his head, and always seemed to know exactly what to do when the shit hit the fan. Caedmon sometimes felt those qualities should have led to some kind of promotion, but it had never happened. It never would happen. He was just too forgettable, even for his commanding officers. He was glumly certain that no one would miss him if he disappeared tomorrow. Not until he missed a patrol, anyway.
Resigned to another day of complete obscurity, Caedmon left his room. It was Christmas Eve, and surely something interesting was going on.
But, to his puzzlement, there was no one around. He'd been in Hunter HQ for over twenty years, and he'd never seen it this dead on a Christmas Eve before. Usually there would be something to cheer him up, like Zero getting chased up a chandelier by a furious girl dressed almost entirely in whipped cream. Caedmon had never gotten the entire story behind that, but he'd had fun laughing and pointing. And then he'd gone to watch the hockey game on the outdoor rink several people had lovingly created. They had already made up teams and he hadn't been able to participate, but that was fine. Just watching had been enough to make him feel like he was part of the fun.
But now, there was no one. The HQ was almost deserted, except for a skeleton crew that was obviously keeping the minimal safety requirements going. Caedmon almost asked them where everyone was, then thought better of it. The one time no one envied the mostly human 16'th heavy artillery unit was during the holidays. A good half of their unit had to stay on duty at all times, to provide the proper deterrent to Maverick attacks. As a result, they could be more than a little cranky this time of year. Caedmon wasn't going to invite open mockery if he could help it.
Finally giving up, Caedmon went back to his room. He plugged in his kettle, and fixed himself a mug of coco. Drinking hot chocolate was a Christmas tradition. Somehow, though, it didn't taste as good sitting by himself in his room.
Trying to cheer himself up a little, Caedmon pulled out the small bag of presents he had bought, and got down to the serious business of wrapping them. Caedmon always put serious effort into picking out gifts, since he didn't buy very many. For X, he'd gotten a gift basket made with an assortment of his favorite cookies. They'd all been done up festively with red, white and green icing, and stuck on sticks to make a cute little display. That went in a gift bag… wrapping would have been impossible. For Zero, he'd found a stapler that was shaped like a shark. He was addressing that from Santa, since normally he wouldn't have gotten Zero something, and didn't want to look like a complete suck up. But the shark had just screamed 'Zero!' when he'd seen it, especially considering the red Hunter's attitude towards paperwork. Caedmon was sure it would be getting a laugh. A brand new laser scalpel for Lifesaver, as a thank you for the work he'd put into upgrading his buster last summer. Some gourmet coffee for all the Navigators, which would be much appreciated.
Caedmon hesitated over the last gift, chewing his lip. It was for Cinnamon, and he suspected it was a bad idea. The few times he'd dared give a gift to a lady he admired, the reaction had been the same… a short pause, an awkward smile and a quiet thank-you. If he was lucky, that was the end of it. If he was unlucky, there would be an even more awkward conversation a day or two later about how he was like a brother. Caedmon always hated that conversation. The smile was enough to give him the message. But with Cinnamon, he had a bit of a cover… she had helped fix him up, the last time he'd been injured. So maybe it would be better this time. He finished wrapping it, then stuck a tiny bow on the tiny gift.
Gathering them all up, he carried the gifts out of his room. There was a Christmas tree set up in the training room, and everyone would be gathering there tomorrow to open the gifts. Caedmon usually didn't receive anything… there was no one he liked well enough in his unit to get gifts for, except for X, and they felt the same way about him when they thought about him at all… but he liked watching other people open his gifts. In fact, he much preferred seeing other people enjoying presents than getting things himself. Being in the spotlight always made him too shy to sound properly thankful, and no one knew what he liked anyway.
He had placed the gifts under the tree, and was admiring the ornaments when he heard voices from the hallway.
"…Great party!"
"Yeah, going to Hyde Park was the best idea ever!" Caedmon stiffened, then tried to relax as the Hunters entered the training room. He didn't know any of them… they were from the 0'th unit. He moved politely to the side, so they could put their own gifts under the tree.
He listened to their conversation with a sick feeling. The usual Christmas festivities had been moved to Hyde Park, and it sounded like they had had a wonderful time. Not just hockey, this year there had been tobogganing, a snowman contest, a snowball war…
Caedmon quietly slipped out of the room, wondering how this could have happened. No one had told him. No one had mentioned a word… he'd heard people discussing the activities, sure, but he'd assumed it would be in Hunter HQ as usual. Of course he hadn't asked… he'd been here over twenty years and it had never changed. How had they let everyone know? Why hadn't he been invited?
His shock turned into something much bleaker and darker as he considered what must have happened. He had been forgotten. Maybe they had sent an e-mail, and his name had been left off. Maybe they had spread it by word of mouth, and he had been forgotten. He was certain there had been no personal malice to his exclusion, but that actually made things worse. If someone had deliberately kept him out of the loop, that would have been something he could stand against. What could he do about being forgotten?
Caedmon sat down on his bed, looking down as he considered what to do. His depression deepened as he thought about his life. It was probably stupid, getting this upset over a party, even a Christmas one, but it seemed symbolic for the rest of his life. The only valuable things he did were running patrols and not getting shot. What use was he? No one cared if he lived or died.
Caedmon considered that thought, wishing it wasn't true. But when he ran through the short list of people he really knew, he had to conclude it was so. The closest thing he had to a friend was X. They'd been closer, a long time ago, when X had been young and still uncertain of himself. Caedmon had been even newer, then, and more uncertain. But their paths had quickly diverged, and it was really sort of pathetic, a non-entity like himself trying to claim a friendship with X. Still, at least X would remember his name. Besides X, the only one he was sure would remember his name was Lifesaver. And if Caedmon killed himself, all he would care about would be the wasted parts.
Caedmon paused, as he realized what he had just thought. Was that what he was considering? Ending it all? Yes. He'd lost his joy in life so long ago, he could hardly remember ever having it. Maybe, if reincarnation did exist, he would have a better life next time.
Standing up, he glanced around his room. Should he leave a note? After a brief moment, he decided against it. He really had nothing to say. Explaining why he was doing this would sound really, really pathetic. On the other hand, if he just disappeared, they might not even realize he was dead. That would be for the best… it wasn't really anyone's fault that he had this problem. Not anyone still alive, anyway.
Caedmon accessed his teleporter system, finding an old set of coordinates. He'd saved them, a long time ago. The memories they were associated with were bitter, but it would still be a perfect spot for what he planned to do.
The spot he teleported to was very beautiful. A wooden bridge, over a deep, fast moving river, it was a perfect spot for moonlight trysts. As he had tried to use it for, once upon a time. Right now, though, what he was interested in was the waterfall nearby that could be clearly seen from the bridge. The sound of the rushing water was not too loud, but added a great deal to the ambience of the bridge. Caedmon, however, had another use for it.
Back in that long forgotten time, he'd heard that waterfalls sometimes had caves behind them. So he'd gone to see if this one did, and he hadn't been disappointed. The cavern was more than large enough for him to sit inside it, and he'd never found signs that anyone else knew about it. It would be a long time until his body was found there, if it ever was. He walked down the riverbank to the waterfall, then carefully scaled the wet rock to reach the cavern, settling inside.
Caedmon dispelled his armor, and took a deep breath, shivering as the cold spray from the waterfall hit him. He used his buster on patrol, but he also had a small gun he used as backup. That was what he would use for this. One shot to his fusion generator would do it.
Caedmon grunted in surprise and pain as his shot shredded his unarmored body… but his fusion generator did not explode. Warnings flashed across his mind, as his diagnostics tried to inform him of what had happened. He'd missed his generator? Completely? But that was the exact place he aimed for with Mavericks and if the armor broke they always exploded… Gods, it hurt, it should have been over too fast to hurt like this…
More warning shot across his mind as he started hyperventilating, his body trying desperately to make up for the loss of coolant. The pain was sharp, biting, but soon it began to go numb as his diagnostics informed him he was shutting down… going into safety mode. That wasn't right… he wanted to be sure. He fumbled with the gun, but his fingers were too numb to feel it and his arm was too weak to lift it again. Soon, he couldn't feel his body at all, as everything was shut down in favor of preserving his vital functions.
Caedmon was still wondering how he could have missed his fusion generator when his generator went into safety mode, and awareness went away…
"Rar!" Zero menaced X with his brand new stapler, making him laugh. "See? I told you someday Santa would bring me something besides coal!"
"Can I have your coal?" Axl asked, hand inching towards the sugar confection that went by that name. Zero slapped his hand away with a grin.
"Hands off, brat!" Almost all the Hunters in the HQ were in the training room. It was the only place big enough to handle such a crowd, and some serious work had gone into decorating it. Tables had been set up against a table, with snacks, punch and a place to set down gifts. There weren't any chairs, but that was fine… there were always the mats to sit on, if a person felt the need.
Right now, X, Zero, Axl, Alia, Cinnamon and Marino were using the mats, arrayed in a semi-circle and opening their gifts.
"Zero… this is just a touch inappropriate, don't you think?" Marino said dryly as she pulled out a silken teddy. "Although I admit, the color is nice." It was a green that almost perfectly matched her hair.
"I saw the color and I couldn't resist thinking of you," Zero said with a grin, which mollified Marino a bit. So did Cinnamon's awe.
"That's wonderful Marino, I want to see you wear that!" The cute little medic opened a gift of her own. "Ohh… what's in this?" It was a red velvet bag. She opened it up, and beamed. "Axl… thank you so much!" She threw her arms around the startled Hunter and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"H-Huh? I didn't get you that…" Axl said, confused, and Zero smacked his forehead as Cinnamon drew back, surprised.
"Well, then you shouldn't have admitted it!" He chided Axl, as Cinnamon looked at the gift again. The red velvet bag had held a delicate silver charm bracelet, with hearts dangling from it. Each heart had a different texture, and several were set with red and white rhinestones. On the bag, though, there was a little tag…
"Oh… it's from Caedmon?" Cinnamon said, utterly confused. "Who's Caedmon?"
"Erm… he's a member of my unit." X frowned. "You don't know him?" That seemed odd, and a bit strange. Cinnamon looked uncertain.
"I don't know… could you point him out?" That would certainly help. X smiled, relaxing a little.
"Sure, no problem!" He stood up, looked over the room… and blinked. "That's funny. He's not here." X frowned. He could vaguely remember seeing Caedmon just hanging around every year, drinking punch. Zero jumped in. He didn't know Caedmon at all, personally, but he had a knack for matching names to faces.
"Well, Cinny, he looks like this." Zero painted a brief verbal portrait of the missing Hunter, and Cinnamon brightened.
"Oh, I do know him! I helped Lifesaver fix him up last time. He must be saying thank-you!" She laughed softly, touching the hearts. "Marino, could you help me put it on?" Even if it wasn't from Axl, she liked the bracelet immensely.
"X? Aren't you going to open your stuff?" Axl asked X, tilting his head to one side. The blue Hunter was still scanning the room, searching for familiar green armor.
"Huh? Oh, yes…" X sat back down. Caedmon could have left the room for any number of reasons. He was probably just off doing something. Still… something about him not being here seemed wrong. Alia watched him for a moment, as he opened a gift with a distracted air, then smiled, her eyes twinkling.
"Why don't we just get Layer to find him, X, if you're worried?" She suggested. Her fellow Navigator was stuck working today, although Palette would be taking over for her soon. X looked up, surprised, then gave her a relieved smile.
"Thanks, Alia. I'm probably just being a worry-wart… but something about him not being here is bothering me."
"The fact that he's an institution." Zero put in. "The guy is older than most of the buildings in the HQ."
"You know, Zero, the same could be said about you," X said dryly as Alia contacted Layer. "And me, for that matter."
"Yeah, but at least we've changed with the times. His only talent is not getting shot." Zero said with a shrug, garnering glares not just from X, but from Cinnamon as well.
"He's changed with the times! Lifesaver upgraded his buster just a few months ago!" Cinnamon protested. "Don't be nasty, Zero." Zero raised his hands with a grin.
"Okay, okay! I know when I'm beat." X ignored the two of them, seeing a small frown on Alia's face.
"He's not in Hunter HQ." She said, lifting her gaze to X's face. "We're starting a wider search."
"He left HQ at Christmas?" Axl said wonderingly. "Does he have family?" Plenty of Hunters had left, mostly to go home to various odd little family situations.
"No," X said, feeling more troubled by the moment. "He was made by Mitiga corporation, before they went out of business, and brought directly into the Hunters as soon as he left the factory." At Axl's surprised expression, he added, "That was before Reploid rights legislation was passed." Now, a certain period was mandated for a new Reploid to adjust, before they were sent to their placement. And all Reploids had a contract, which governed how long they would work for the company or organization that had commissioned them, before they became free agents. In Caedmon's time, none of that had existed.
"We can't find him," Alia announced. "Layer is trying his communicator." A pause. "She says they have ping." X tensed slightly. Ping wasn't good. It meant the communicator was responding automatically, although…
"He probably just took off his armor, X. Or turned off the communicator. You get ping from me all the time," Zero pointed out, and Alia gave him a whimsical smile.
"Yes, we do, and we all curse you for it," she observed, making Axl laugh.
"Try to raise his emergency beacon." X said harshly, making everyone look at him, startled.
"You don't think so," Zero said uncertainly. The emergency beacon only came on if a Reploid was in safety mode or deactivated. Basically, when a Reploid was badly injured, there were three possible outcomes. The first, when the generator went critical and exploded, left no emergency beacon to signal. The second, when the generator was damaged so it went into a slow melt down, left the beacon intact but the Reploid itself was unrevivable. The last was safety mode. When a Reploid was badly injured but the generator was mostly unaffected, they went into a kind of stasis where the generator went onto low power, attempting to just keep minimal power running to the neural net. Reploids with that kind of damage were often revivable.
"Layer's trying for the beacon." There was a pause, and Alia's expression turned grim. "She has the beacon. Co-ordinates…" She rattled off the numbers, and X pushed himself up.
"I'm going too," Zero said, also standing up. He had no idea what could have happened, but he wasn't letting X go out alone.
"Me too, me too!" Axl hopped up, grinning. If there was action to be had, he wanted to be in on it.
"Alright." The three of them teleported to a spot near the co-ordinates Layer had given them, scaring the daylights out of a young couple standing on the bridge nearby. X frowned, orienting himself… and blinked.
"The signal is coming from the waterfall?" He said, surprised, then shook his head. "Strange…" He hesitated, then crawled across the limestone shelf. There was no room for more than one person, and Zero frowned as Axl fidgeted.
"Careful, X. It might be a trap." X waved with one hand, showing that he had heard, but didn't slow his search. He vanished behind the waterfall, and Zero tensed.
But a moment later, X slid back out, trying to maintain his balance as he carried a limp body. Axl hissed, and Zero's eyes narrowed as he saw that the body was unarmored and the wound was in his lower chest. A tremendous, gaping wound, obviously caused by a powerful firearm shot point blank.
"What happened…?" Axl said, stunned, and X looked at them both, his eyes dark and expression grim.
"His gun was on the ground beside his body." X said quietly, and Zero looked grim as Axl looked sick.
"He killed himself…? Why?" Axl asked, and X shook his head.
"I don't know." He hated having to admit that, but he really had no idea. His clearest memories of Caedmon were of him as a young rookie. They had both been rookies, actually… they had even shared some classes. He remembered Caedmon as a shy but friendly kid, with a desperate need to be liked. X didn't know anything about the quiet, self-contained Hunter he had become, and that bothered him. Caedmon was in his unit, and he should know at least a bit about all his Hunters.
"Well, let's get him back to HQ." Zero said practically. From the location of the wound, he was fairly sure they would find that Caedmon's fusion generator had melted down. But they had to take him to the repair bay for a check anyway.
"Right." An emergency teleport to the repair bay brought them to Lifesaver. His gifts were customarily delivered to his room, for him to go through later. He preferred his work to parties. Soon, Caedmon had been scanned… then hooked to life support.
"He's alive?" X said, utterly disbelieving. "Didn't he mean to kill himself? Or did he mean to live...?" With a handgun at point blank range, it was almost impossible to believe that Caedmon had missed his generator entirely. Unless the whole suicide was actually a ploy for attention. But Lifesaver shook his head.
"No, this was definitely a serious attempt. You see the location of the injury?" X winced. He really didn't want to. It wasn't a pretty thing. "That blast would have killed most current Reploids, including you and Zero. But Caedmon is a rather peculiar model, the Alpha 327. It's discontinued now, of course, but the generator sits higher up in his rib cage. But Caedmon didn't realize that, and struck where he would have on a Maverick. So instead of blowing up, he missed and went into safety mode." X nodded, looking down at the body and chewing his lip.
"But why?" X asked the world. "Why would he do it?" Lifesaver shrugged.
"Why don't you ask around?" He suggested, and X nodded… that was a good idea.
He went back to the party, and started doing that. There was no point in hiding what Caedmon had done… it would be all over the HQ anyway. Zero and Axl went back to enjoying the party, but X tried to gain information about Caedmon.
He quickly came to the amazing conclusion that he probably knew the other Hunter best. Most of the rest of the unit couldn't even remember his name… X had to describe him before they remembered him, and then he was just the guy in green. The few who knew him immediately had nothing much to say about him.
"Well, what have you found out?" Zero asked him a bit later, and X sighed in frustration.
"I can't find anyone who knows more about him than I do. In fact, most of them know a lot less." That just blew his mind. Zero lifted an eyebrow, then shrugged.
"Well, what did you know about him? What was he like as a rookie?" Zero asked, and X frowned, trying to remember. It had been so long ago, but…
"He was nice, but really needy at first. Sort of like a puppy running after my heels at first… then he stopped." X flushed. "Actually, I made him stop." He remembered speaking sharply to Caedmon once. The rookie had still been friendly, but a little distant, after that. Afraid of being hurt? "He was awfully clumsy."
"Clumsy?" Zero's tone was oddly sharp, and X blinked at him. "What makes you say that?"
"He was always bruised, when he came to practice." X said, tilting his head. "We shared the unarmed course, although he was behind me in the other courses. Sometimes the bruises were pretty bad… even a few dents. Why?" He didn't see why that would be significant. Zero hesitated a moment, then shrugged.
"X, you know I do rookie training sometimes, right?" It was a job he hated, but did well. X cautiously nodded. "When I see a rookie who's always bruised and 'clumsy', I start thinking maybe something else is going down. Like maybe some of the other rookies are beating the crap out of him. I'm usually right, too." X looked troubled, then shook his head.
"That was so long ago… how could that have anything to do with what he did now?" Caedmon had no reputation for clumsiness now. Zero frowned, then shrugged.
"I don't know… but if no one noticed, it might have gone on for a long time. That sort of thing can screw kids up. Still, it was probably something else. Although the problems when he was a rookie might sort of be a subtext. Ya know?"
"Not really, but I'll take your word for it." X sighed. "We won't know until they finish fixing him." That would be a few days at best. Zero shrugged, then slapped him on the back.
"Well, forget about it then. Come enjoy the party." This was their last day of liberty, before they started patrols again. Not even Mavericks launched attacks during Christmas… they were too busy with their own parties. Zero suspected Sigma despised it, but had to make a few concessions to keep the troops happy. The weird Christmas cease-fire had lasted for almost twenty years, and seemed to have become a tradition. X nodded, and went to get a glass of punch.
There was no point in worrying about Caedmon's problems until he woke up.
Caedmon didn't know what to expect of the afterlife. But he definitely didn't expect it to resemble the Hunter HQ repair bay… and if Lifesaver was an angel…
"There is no god." Caedmon muttered, trying to focus. His whole body was a bit off… and he bit back a groan as he recognized the sensation. He'd felt like this before, after major repairs.
"Caedmon?" A very familiar voice spoke from his right side, and he almost flinched, then steadied himself.
"Commander X?" Caedmon pushed himself up, wincing in pain, then flushed lightly as a hand on his shoulder steadied him. It was embarrassing… why was X wasting time on him? Oh. Because he had tried to kill himself, of course. "Can I help you?" Well, that sounded nicely idiotic. X gave him a strange look.
"I think it's more if I can help you," X said gently. "Caedmon, why did you do that?" He flinched, and looked down at the lab table he was sitting on, refusing to answer. He heard a soft sigh, then X was pulling him to his feet.
"Let's go talk about this in private." He said firmly, and Caedmon wanted to pull away, but… X was his commander. And he really didn't want to talk out in public, if he had to talk at all.
X led him to through the halls, to his own room, and Caedmon was acutely aware of the looks he was attracting. People were noticing him now, but it was the last kind of attention he wanted. He'd gone out of his way to disappear quietly so he never would get this kind of attention.
"Sit," X said, kindly but firmly. Caedmon gingerly sat down on a chair, as X sat on the sofa. He glanced around curiously… he'd never seen X's room before. It was very neat, and bigger than his own. It also had more style, although that wasn't difficult… the decorations in his own room were whatever had caught his eye at the local craft fairs. X had some very beautiful paintings, peaceful nature scenes. "Now… Caedmon, what's bothering you?"
"I…" He closed his eyes, and swallowed hard. This was going to sound retarded. "I didn't know about the stuff on Christmas Eve." X sat back, puzzled and disbelieving.
"We always have activities on Christmas Eve… you mean you didn't know it was in Hyde Park?" X asked, and Caedmon nodded. "The planning committee sent an e-mail to everyone in HQ. You didn't get it?"
"No." He checked his e-mail every day, so he knew he'd somehow been left off the mailing list. X hesitated, then sighed.
"Caedmon, I know missing Christmas Eve is disappointing, but killing yourself is a little extreme." No matter how disappointed he was, that was going a bit far. Caedmon glanced up, then down at his hands, folded in his lap.
"S'not just that," he muttered, staring at his hands. "It's… no one noticed I wasn't there. No one ever notices. You can't know what it's like," his voice gained some more animation, and X listened attentively, trying to project sympathy. "When you talk to someone every day for months, and they still can't remember your name. Or when you try to… to talk to a girl, and you might as well be a bug on the wall for all they notice. It sucks, X. It just totally sucks." X blinked, surprised by the depth of bitterness in his voice. "And my career is just… I'm nothing. I'll never be anything. What's the point?"
"That's not true!" X said, stunned. How could he think he had done nothing? While Caedmon was being repaired, X had gone over his records, and they had been impressive. "You have more Maverick kills than anyone in the building except me and Zero. You received medals for valor three times, you saved an entire busload of children…" The list of things he had managed to do went on. All the personnel evaluations noted how well Caedmon acted under pressure. He invariably made the right decision, which was a priceless gift. X tried not to think about what the rest of the evaluations had noted… his colorless personality and lack of any leadership skills.
"And it's gotten me so far," Caedmon said bitterly, raising his eyes to meet X's. "I never expected to be a hero, not like you. I was made to be cannon fodder… I must be the last of my type alive. But I wish I thought someone would care if I died." X was silent for a moment, then reached out to take his hand.
"Caedmon… if you want people to care about you, you have to reach out to them, too." X said compassionately, squeezing his hand. "You're doing this to yourself, at least in part." That silenced Caedmon for a moment. He knew X was right.
"…It's dangerous." He finally said, then winced, wishing he could take back the words. X tilted his head to one side.
"What is?" He asked, and Caedmon winced again. But it was too late to take it back, and the memories were welling up, old but still painful, unhealed wounds.
"Talking… to people. Opening up. Things can go bad." He said hopelessly, and X frowned slightly.
"Do you mean when you were a rookie?" He said, his voice neutral, and Caedmon's head jerked up. How had X known…?
"…Yes." He met X's eyes, and saw the warmth there, the compassion, and found himself going on. "It started when I tried to get to know a girl… I didn't know she was Vega's girlfriend, I swear I didn't. Do you remember him?" X thought for a moment, frowning, then shook his head. "He… organized some of the other rookies against me. When I met you and… and started following you around, I was desperate. They wouldn't touch me when you were there. Or Zero." X stared at him, horrified by the revelation, but not particularly surprised. Zero had been right.
"How long did this go on?" He asked softly, and Caedmon swallowed, looking down at his hands again.
"Until Vega died. Two years. I tried to fight them a few times, but I'm no Zero… that's when I 'fell down the stairs.'" X winced, remembering that incident. He'd been a little surprised someone could do so much damage to himself falling down steps, even a lot of steps. One of his arms had been so badly bent, it had needed to be replaced. "So I took it. I had to."
"Why didn't the rookie trainer step in? Didn't you tell her?" X hesitated as Caedmon gave him a blank look. "She knew?" He could hardly believe that, but… Caedmon nodded.
"She said… we really needed Hunters. Sigma had just gone Maverick, remember. So if it was a choice between losing me, or losing Vega and the other four, then… I'd have to go. Back to Mitsaga." Caedmon's face looked pinched, pale. "They would have recycled me. I couldn't… I had to take it. I just had to."
X examined Caedmon for a long moment, shocked at how deeply laid the seeds for his action were… and how deep the emotional scars were. He was uneasily aware that the first year of experience for a young Reploid made a very firm, definite imprint on their personality. Caedmon had spent his first years trying desperately not to be noticed. Had it become a habit? By now, it might not be breakable, no matter how much he wanted to. X felt sick as he remembered the desperate friendliness Caedmon had approached him with. Why hadn't he realized how desperate it really was? X shook his head. That was being unfair to himself. He'd been only a year older than Caedmon, and just as inexperienced. The real blame could be laid at the feet of the rookie trainer who'd allowed this to go on, even sanctioned it.
But that made no difference at all to Caedmon. X took a deep breath.
"Caedmon… I don't know if anyone can help you with that. But if you want to try, I can arrange some meetings with a good Reploid psychologist." Caedmon glanced up, surprised. "Hunter HQ will pick up the expense." That surprised him even more. That kind of treatment was very expensive, and never certain of success. But then Caedmon flushed, looking down.
"I don't want to look like a basketcase." He still had a firm aversion to looking pathetic. But X coughed, then spoke wryly.
"It's a bit late for that. You DID try to kill yourself, after all." That made Caedmon blush with embarrassment, since it was all too true. "Do you think you'd be willing to try the treatment?"
"…Yeah. I'll try it." Caedmon finally said, softly. He wasn't sure it would do any good… but he wanted to be more than he was. And most of all, he wanted people to remember him, and not just as the nutcase that had managed to miss his fusion generator at point blank range. He wanted to… have a life. "Thanks, X."
"It's nothing. I should have talked to you sooner." Caedmon stiffened in surprise as X suddenly gave him a hug. "Get better soon."
"I'll try." He would do the best he could do.